My Little Pony, My Little Pony, and Me 322: Way Too Much Ghost Sex Talk For an Episode with a Princess in It

“Okay, Juice,” Ditto said. “Hit us with another question.”

“Sure thing, Ditto,” Juice said, looking his brother dead in the eye. “I’d love that. That sounds like a great idea.”

“...Okay,” Ditto said, a note of caution in his voice. “So then --”

“BOOP-OOP-A-BOOP-A-BOOP-A-DOOP-OOP-BOOP-A-DOOP!” Juice called out, pulling out a magazine from under the desk.

“No,” Ditto said. “No, just fucking no. Not after the question we just had.”

“It does seem in pretty poor taste,” Scraps agreed.

“Poor taste, nothing, I’m just so fuckin’ done with ghosts right now!” Ditto said.

“This just in! Hot off the presses, straight from the eBray trade papers,” Juice said, waving the magazine in the air. “That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a Haunted Doll Watch!”

Ditto leaned back in his chair. “Mmkay, fine, hit me.”

“Okay,” Juice said. “Ahem, hem.

HAUNTED DOLL WISTERIA BLOOM

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY - MYSTERIOUS NOISES - GLOWING ORBS.”

“Hell yeah,” Scraps said, nodding. “Get those orbs in there.”

“AUTHENTIC! ANTIQUE! HAUNTED!
Condition: Good"

“Now, uh,” Juice said, holding up a hoof. “I wanna make clear here exactly how incorrect that last statement is real quick.”

He slid the magazine onto the table in front of his brothers. Scraps and Ditto leaned in, then immediately recoiled. “Oh sweet Celestia!” Scraps said. “I mean -- um. Fuck. That doll is fucked.”

“Are those burn marks?” Ditto asked. “Is that what happened to its mane?”

“Very perceptive of you, Ditto,” Juice said, picking up the magazine once more. “Let’s see.

“Today, I am pleased to introduce you to Wisteria Bloom, the powerful spirit of an ancient earth pony mage, who bound herself to this vessel after her death with potent necromantic Magyck.

“To be clear,” Juice interrupted himself. “That is ‘magic’ spelled with a ‘y’ and an extra ‘k’, so you know shit is serious.”

“Why do ponies spell it like that?” Scraps wondered. “Like, is it just to emphasize the power of it? Unicorns do magic all the time, but magyck? That shit’s out of your league, bud.”

“It’s like the misspelling increased the power,” Ditto said thoughtfully. “‘Magyck’ is more powerful than ‘Magick’ without a ‘y’, which is more powerful than plain ol’ ‘magic’. But ‘majyck’? With a ‘j’, a ‘y’, and a ‘k’? Blows all that other shit right out of the water.”

“It’s like ‘thicc,” Juice said. Before either of his brothers could fully react to that, he hurried on.

“Wisteria is a practitioner of White Magyck, an inherently creative form of spellcasting, and she is ready to show you her power.”

“This doll is fuckin’ ripped,” Ditto interjected.

“Check out her sweet, thicc, magyck muscles,” Scraps said, grinning broadly.

“Because of Wisteria’s great strength --”

Ditto interrupted, eyes wide. “Holy shit, is this ghost doll actually ripped? Has she got, like, abs and pecs?”

“She could bench your scrawny flank like a toothpick,” Juice said. “Alright, alright, it goes on for a little like that, let me see… Okay, here.

“I first encountered Wisteria while doing an urban exploration of a two-century-old tenement in Lawndon, now closed to the public.”

“And urban exploration is…” Scraps asked.

“Breaking and entering, but you brag about it to your friends,” Ditto explained.

“You go into old abandoned buildings and snoop around,” Juice said. “Probably the easiest way to get like, supernaturally fucked up.

“She was sitting in a room that, judging by the size of the bed, I would guess belonged to a child. The doll itself lay in a corner, undisturbed by the passage of time. I touched it, and immediately knew that there was a powerful presence in this vessel. I put it in my satchel and departed to consult with the spirit realm.”

“So, you broke into a kid’s room and stole their dolly,” Ditto said. “Wow. Okay.”

“Through the use of seances, I was able to discover that the spirit’s name is Wisteria Bloom, and that she was a powerful earth pony mage. Time does not pass the same way in the spirit realm, and so I cannot be sure how long ago she lived. However, I would estimate from certain things she has mentioned that she lived prior to the unification of the three pony tribes.

“And, uh, attached we have this picture of the doll with a Ouija board and an EMF meter,” Juice said, sliding the picture to his brothers.

“Hey, Juice? How do you know what an EMF meter looks like?” Scraps asked.

“Well, it’s mostly ‘cause of this next sentence here,” Juice said, tapping the page for emphasis as he read,

“The Ouija board and EMF meter ARE NOT INCLUDED IN THIS SALE!!!!”

Scraps and Ditto both burst into laughter. “Yeah,” Ditto said. “Yeah, that -- that’s fair.”

“Wisteria is a powerful user of White Magyck, an inherently creative force that can help you to achieve your goals and dreams. She is an incredibly active spirit. She manifests herself in shining purple orbs, and you may hear her running around the house at night --”

“Excuse me?” Ditto squawked. “Uh, no? No, I don’t think this one’s gonna do it for me. Imagine, imagine trying to drift off to dreamland when you hear these little fucking porcelain hooves skittering and clicking on your floor. I think the fuck not.”

“Well, hold on,” Juice said, holding up a hoof. “That’s the downside, for sure, but wait until you hear the bennies.”

“...Mmkay,” Ditto said, doubtful.

“Wisteria is a practitioner of Wish Magyck, the magical practice of wish-granting. To make use of this power, simply burn an offering, such as incense, money, or alcohol, before the doll and meditate on your desire. Larger wishes require larger offerings.”

“Okay,” Ditto said. “Now, let me tell you what I find buckwild about that. It doesn’t give you any idea of what the exchange rate is. Do I need to burn a whole bottle of bourbon to get that big promotion at work? How many sticks of incense do I gotta fry for my wallet to magically turn up?”

“Trial and error, I guess,” Juice said. “Uh, oh, there’s some conditions to purchase. First,

“Wisteria is a spirit of White Magyck, and as such, I would like her to go to a home with good intentions or a fellow practicer of White Magick. I do not judge those that seek to practice Black Magick, and neither does Wisteria.”

“It seems like you kinda do, though,” Scraps said. “It seems like you’re kinda saying, ‘I don’t discriminate, but if you practice Black Magyck, I’m not selling you this doll, fuck you’.”

“Yeah, it’s a shame,” Juice agreed. “Also,

“This is not a doll for the faint of heart! Buyers must be eighteen years or older to purchase.”

Scraps pursed his lips. “Eighteen years or older.”

“That is indeed what this listing states,” Juice said.

“...So…” Ditto trailed off. “Maybe… maybe the doll is down to clown?”

“I can’t speak to that, you would have to ask Wisteria yourself,” Juice said casually. “Although, as the seller mentions once again in this next paragraph,

"The Ouija board and EMF meter ARE NOT INCLUDED IN THIS SALE!!!!”

So you’d have to figure out your own way of communicating with her.”

“That’s important in any relationship,” Scraps said, nodding sagely.

“God, just imagine those horny, horny ghost messages, though,” Ditto said. “‘I’m a freak in the sheets, and I’m always in a sheet’.”

“‘Bustin’ makes me feel good’,” Scraps added.

Ditto rested his chin on a hoof. “If she’s staying around you and doing you favors because you like, pay her, does that make her your sugar baby?”

“Objectively, yes,” Juice said. “It’s weird, because she’s centuries older than you.”

“It’s also weird because, you know, she’s a doll and not real,” Scraps pointed out.

Juice cleared his throat again. “Alright, now we get into the boring part.” He breathed in, then started to read aloud rapidly.

“EBray rules insist that I state that this is for entertainment purposes only, you are buying a tangible doll. The seller cannot guarantee that any supernatural events will or will not happen in association with the doll, and is not responsible for the actions taken by this doll once it is in your hooves. You must be 18 years or older to purchase.”

“That’s the worst part of this segment,” Scraps said. “Really pulls the rug out from under our hooves.”

“Can I say, though? That thing about not being responsible for the actions of the doll undercuts the undercutting,” Ditto said. “Like, I don’t think eBray is especially psyched to see you say, ‘Hey, this ghost doll may or may not be real! I’m not saying which! But I can’t be responsible for her behavior!’ I don’t think that’s what they want in the disclaimer.”

“How much is she selling for, Juice?” Scraps asked.

“Uhh, looks like a hundred and thirty bits,” Juice replied. “But with, y’know, free shipping.”

“Oh, yeah, great,” Ditto said. “Just sell this magic, wish-granting ghost doll instead of wishing for, you know, a million bits.”

“But you have to pay for your wishes, Ditto,” Scraps pointed out. “Maybe the cost of a wish for a million bits is itself a million bits.”

“Well that’s pretty fuckin’ pointless, isn’t it?” Ditto asked. “Hey, Wisteria, here’s my offering of five bits, I wish I had a hayburger.”

“It’s like DoorDash but for haunted dolls,” Juice said.

“DollDash,” Scraps said, nodding.

“Well, anyway, if you want to keep your haunted, spectral sugar baby doll around, you know what you’re gonna need?” Juice asked.

“... Ghost traps?” Scraps tried.

“Yes, which you’ll need to buy with money. Let’s go to that Money Zone.”