Day to day life in a weird world

My job is pretty simple, well as simple as "bucking" trees to gather apples but most times I feel like I need to work more than that by any means, I mean it means a lot to me that Applejack would let me near her farm let alone work in it and I feel like I don't show my gratitude to that enough...I really should start showing more compassion to these ponies but I feel so displaced and I feel like I unearned their trust and kindness like there's something behind the pleasant words and commodities, I know that's just me but this kind of warning has been so drilled into my mind that I can't help but listen to it and have distance between me and them like the moment I accept their pleasantries I won't be able to come back and that scares me.

A sigh came from my mouth again, "I really should stop thinking like this" I said aloud to no one in particular, I always do this, make a big deal out of something so small and my anxiety goes up and then everything after that is just crumbled. I feel so guilty for being here, to be in this world of love and peace and leave to where I used to be; a cold unforgiving world with pain that everyone is just trying to mend.

...
Mayyyyybe I should just focus on the work and stop from this line of thinking, I promised myself I'd try harder.

But I can't really help it, the days seem to go slower and mold together with memory, I can't remember when I last bought essential items like food or clothing and that should already be red flags but I can't help but just seem so deflated with the tasks, I just..I don't like where my days are going and it all seems to get worse like when I first got here. The day when I was so filled with emotions that I kept bottled up and-

I slapped my cheeks both side with both hands. No, Just keep going Jack just keeping going and you'll see a light at the end like you always told yourself.

..But how many times did I expect light when darkness only greeted me?

I for once didn't reply to myself, I could easil-no no no

I really need to stop thinking about this, the more and more I focus on it the more it spirals out and-

"JACK!", My first reaction is have my anxiety skyrocket and immediately move my legs but thanks to my visits with Fluttershy I merely took a millisecond to calm my nerves and process what's happening.

I turn my head to the left, "Yesss?" I hissed obviously peeved that Applejack had to ye-wait Applejack? Fuc-

"Finally ya outta ye daydream, Granny Smith,Apple Bloom, and Big Mac were worrying over what happened to ya! And here I found ya just bucking the same tree." She was clearly peeved so I did the most reasonable thing.

"Sorry" I winced knowing that saying sorry wasn't going to cut it so I moved my hand to scratch Applejack's left ear

"Yo-oh ohhh" She swatted my hand with her hoof, "Gosh darnit Jack!" She stomped her front hooves on the ground and took up a stern look with a obvious frown, "This ain't just about work anymore, I'm startin' ta get worried and don't just say you're fine because ya can't lie to the element of honesty."

"Uh well" I'm cornered, I can't just brush this off sine she was already tipped off by my tardiness and there's no way I can lie my way out of this one but I can't exactly talk about this, I mean I think Applejack's great but I can't exactly explain and make it easy to understand because even I don't understand half of what it is.

"I uh" I tried to think of something ANYTHING

Then a sigh came out and her face softened, "Sugar cube I understand if ya don't want to talk bout' it now but me and the gals are starting to get worried and this wouldn't be the first time ya shut yourself out from us, ya barely out and bout' so at least talk to one of us."

I took a pause to take this into account, I mean sure I don't really go out but there's a good reason, I don't have anything to do outside I mean any activities outside that don't have a purpose within work is just to play games or hangout with frie-

...
Wow...Immense realization has never hit me harder than it did just now. I-I don't go out because I don't have friends, and as much as that sounds stupid and ridiculous and very sad It never hit me until now, the reason I was so easily able to stay at home was because I had plenty I could do inside without friends and I could make friends online but here? I'm alone, I-I mean I always knew I was alone but the sudden realization of how lonely i-is startling.

"I-I..wow uh I think I uh" all just fumbles of words could come out of my mouth, I always thought I was just odd so there was no point but now, now it's like tons of bricks just dropped onto me, to know that I've been alone for most of my life is not just so-so-so soul crushing.

"Sugar cube, Just promise me ya tell of the girls.", she seemed so concerned and worried about me, it was refreshing but sad, to think I've tried to distant myself from this is-but my mind always want to remind me why I distance myself like this, why I should keep having my distance between me and this world.

"I will Applejack", those simple three words seem to make her relax completely.

"Well we outta go for supper" she looked up to the sky which was starting to have a orange hue, "And it seems we better mosy on over if we don't wanna keep them waitin'."

"Yeah yeah I get it, I'm the bad guy" I said in a joking manner, but truth be told I did feel a bit bad but that was set aside to the reality of what I just learned, I'm alone..I really am alone.