An Absolutely Standard Shipfic

An Absolutely Standard Shipfic

Step Seven: Leaving the Post Office

***

Do you remember my telling you about those times when narrators can use their pathetic superpowers and change the scene and setting at their will? You were all attentive readers, weren't you? Or you just read it for the clop? ...You, ladies and gentlecolts, are a bunch of perverts.

Still, let me use my power and feel significant for a moment. I am transporting you away from Ponyville, and Manehattan, straight to the capital city of Equestria - Canterlot.

Off in the distance, where the flags flutter and royal guards march back and forth, trying to maintain the dying glory of Old Equestria, Princess Celestia stood on the balcony of Her Royal chamber, looking at Her sister's Moon shining in the sky like a beacon of warning to the weary... and wicked.

Something was off. Something definitely felt wrong. Very, very wrong. Something had changed. For the past few days, the deity had been noticing strange behaviour coming from her subjects. Happy pairs trotting up and down the streets, hugging each other, kissing each other, and... well, doing other things with each other. Surely the mores have changed, she told herself. Surely ponies were more open these days. But... It all looked like some kind of spell cast upon the ponies of Equestria, making them fall in love at once. And do everything that goes with it.

Her contemplation was interrupted by a winged shadow covering her, the alicorn behind her coughing politely. Celestia turned round and greeted her sister with a warm smile.

"Hello, Luna," she said, diverting her gaze from the blue alicorn and to the sky again. "Your Moon is espicially lovely tonight."

The younger sister blushed and began looking at her hoof, still giving way to her hang-ups. "Thank you sister." She paused and raised her head, gathering courage. "There... There is a reason for this."

"Oh, is there?" Celestia wondered, raising a brow.

"Yes, there is," Luna replied firmly.

The two sisters stood in silence for a while, both enjoying the night.

"I'm in love, Tia," Luna finally blurted out, addressing her sister in the manner she only addressed her when apologising or confessing.

"Oh." Celestia glanced at her sister and went back to her contemplation of scintillation of the stars.

"Oh?" Luna asked in disbelief.

"I said, 'Oh', sister, meaning I am quite surprised. With whom?" she wondered, finally fully addressing her attention towards the blue alicorn.

"I'll introduce them to you tomorrow, sister."

"Them?" The Sun Goddess staggered back in awe. "You mean there are two of them? ...More?"

The Princess of the Moon chuckled, shaking her head.

"No." She chuckled again. "No, no, no. There's only one - only one special somepony out there for me." She closed her eyes dreamily. "I just want her gender to be a surprise." She laughed. "After all, I'm an incorrigible trickster!" The blue hoof struck the air vicotiously.

Celestia snickered and shook her head gently.

"Luna, you do realise you have just given away her gender?"

The blue mare groaned and facehoofed, while the pristine Princess laughed light-heartedly.

"Well, anyway, you'll see her tomorrow."

With that, Luna took her leave, leaving Celestia to contemplate and muse.

She closed her eyes and concentrated on the power that she never really liked to use. However, now, something terrible was going down through the entire country, making ponies fall in love spontaneously, and she, as the ruler, had to stop it. Her horn lit up and a thousand visions rushed through her head - the visions of what her subjects were doing now. Some of those lasted longer than a few seconds.

"Oh, come on. Tavi, I'm sleeping on the left!" a white unicorn mare with a striking blue mane shouted, poking a grey earth pony mare with a hoof.

What were their names? Octavia, that she remembered. And... DJ PON-something?

The grey mare rolled on top of the unicorn, the large bed screeching below them.

"Vinyl, no matter how much I love you, you're a silly pony." She rubbed her nose against the unicorn's cheek. "You *are** sleeping on the left. It's the left side of the bed you're lying on."*

"Oh, right. I guess we've just been looking at it from different angles." The DJ rubbed the back of her head. "Well..." she suddenly grinned, making the grey mare blush, heat visibly rushing through her cheeks... and other body parts. "That's because I'm always on top."

Before the two mares could proceed to the obvious activities, the spell thankfully repaced this vision with another, making Celestia's eyes widenin surprise.

"This is science!"

"No fucking way, Twi! I love you but this... Simply NO!"

A particular cyan pegasus crossed her hooves, looking sternly at Celestia's prized student, who was for some reason holding a  "Morph spells. Advanced level." in her magical grip, opened on the page where was written a clear depiction of a- oh...

"Come on, Rainbow, honey! It'll be fun!" the lavender unicorn tried to reason the cyan mare, moving closer to her and kissing her...

Oh, sweet Me! I mustn't be seeing this!

"Growing a dick and sticking it into me isn't fun..." Rainbow Dash mumbled, her demeanour somewhat softened by the kiss.

"Believe me, it *will** be. Besides, it'll last only a few hours." Twilight smiled and began planting kisses on the pegasus' neck, who squirmed in delight, her wings popping up almost immediately.*

By My beard! Away, away!

"I'll let you lick it," Twilight whispered in the pegasus' ear.

Aaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Celestia thanked Herself as the disturbing sequnce went away, replaced by something completely different.

"I'll do it riiiight - Just like the humans doooooo~" A mint green unicorn mare sang in the shower, while a cream-coloured earth pony mare rubbed her back with foam.

"So sing with uuuus - if you like humans toooo~" she joined it, washing her partner's shoulders, and back, and flank, and-

Aaaand moving on to the next one!

The Princess sighed in relief as she saw a room, two stallions sitting on a couch. Finally, something non-sexual...

"Caramel, Ah'll be on top t'night!"

What the...

"Oh, Brae~" the stallion said in a sing-song voice, nibbling on the light golden earth pony, chuckling. "You know very well you like it when I take you rough..." He grinned. "But I need to be on top to do that."

Celestia had had enough. With a gasp, she dove out of the spell-induced visions, her head aching in confusion and dismay. Apparently, all the ponies she'd seen for the last few days were more or less in love... even her sister, Luna! But there was no logical explanation for this whatsoever. Or was there?..

"Discord..." Celestia hissed, her  eyes narrowing, and took off and flew into the darkened night.