Dangly Bits

Spike glanced at the stallion’s genitals, and then turned his eyes down to where his own should be.

There was nothing there. It was bare scales all the way down like it had always been.

Spike closed his eyes and tried to refocus on his task. He was in the back of Quills and Sofas trying to pick up Black Ink #35, which was Twilight’s favorite shade of dark ink. But there was nothing on the shelf between Black Ink #40 and Black Ink #30. The ink was missing.

Spike glanced down, he was also missing something.

Spike looked to his left and noticed as the stallion that had been standing next to him trotted away.

Spike sighed. Would Twilight really notice between the various shades of ink? He picked up a #30 and then made his way past a section of sectional sofas toward the front of the shop.

Spike stood in line right behind the stallion, and couldn’t help but stare up at the stallion’s masculinity.

A mixture of strange thoughts and feelings welled up inside Spike.

Where was Spike’s own masculinity? Surely he would grow his own set someday. Right? Out from his smooth scales would grow his own complete package and everything would be right with himself. His wings had come in miraculously, maybe his own maleness would appear one day too?

However, Spike had seen other male dragons before. They didn’t have anything like the male organs of a pony.

Or a yak.

Or a griffon.

Or hippogriff.

Changeling.

Minotaur.

Buffalo.

It seemed as if every male creature sported their own set.

Except dragons.

And in Ponyville, it was every male. They were all outwardly, visibly, strongly male.

Except Spike.

“That’ll be 12 bits, sir,” said the attendant to the stallion in front of Spike.

The stallion trotted out of the store with his purchases. Spike blinked and then stood up next in line and set the ink down on the counter. “Umm…” began Spike. “Do you happen to have any stock in the back of Black Ink #35? I didn’t see any on the shelf.”

The counter wasn’t staffed by the usual attendant. She must be new. The attendant looked down at Spike and then glanced down a bit further. “Sorry ma’am, if it’s not on the shelf, we don’t have it in stock.”

Spike’s insides squirmed. He wanted to say something. He had previously corrected the attendant who had normally been there. He should say something. He really ought to.

“Oh, okay,” said Spike. “Could I put in a special order for Princess Twilight Sparkle for 5 bottles of Black Ink #35? We can make do with this #30 ink in the meantime.”

“Certainly, we should have that ink ready for you in a week. Will that be all for you today?” asked the attendant.

Spike nodded as he paid for the bottle of the wrong ink.

“Thanks for coming in, ma’am,” said the attendant.

“Err… uhh…” Spike was about to say something, but noticed another customer behind him. Without another word, Spike walked outside.

He found a nearby bench, and sat down, frowning as ponies passed.

He didn’t like being… himself. Well—he did like himself. He liked being a dragon. He liked being a boy. He liked being Twilight’s #1 assistant. He just… didn’t like whatever this feeling was. He couldn’t describe it. It was the twinge in his stomach when somepony thought he was a she. The uncomfortableness when a shopkeeper would use “buddy” or “kid” right after a previous customer got to be called “sir”’ or “mister.” And it was also the feeling of lacking an important part of himself that every other male creature seemed to have.

Only dragons seemed to not have their own set. Spike didn’t know very many dragons. But he did have one nearby he could at least ask. Even though she wasn’t male, she might be good to talk to.

After dropping off the morning’s purchases at the castle, Spike made his way to the School of Friendship and flew around the school, looking for her.

He spotted Smolder lounging in the front of the school. She was eating a sapphire sandwich on a brick fence.

“Hey Smolder, how are ya’ doing?” asked Spike as he landed next to her.

“Fine,” said Smolder, giving Spike a quick glance and then paying closer attention to her sandwich.

“I was umm…” Spike began, but he trailed off. Biting nervousness suddenly poked at him. But what was there to be nervous about?

“If it’s about that homework that Professor Applejack assigned about honesty, I’m honestly never going to turn it in.”

Spike blinked, and his anxiety momentarily melted. “But, you’ll get a bad grade if you do that.”

“And grades matter... why?” asked Smolder

“Of course they matter!” said Spike, aghast. “If you get bad grades you’ll feel terrible inside like the entire world is going to blow up and the anxiety and stress of the low numbers will leave you cold, desolate, and terrified of life.”

Smolder gave a half frown. “I think you’ve spent a little too much time with Twilight.”

Spike thought about it for a moment and calmed down, “that’s fair.”

Smolder shrugged and then went back to her sandwich, crunching into a particularly large piece of sapphire.

“Well anyway, I just uhh… could I get your opinion about something?”

“Oh… sure,” said Smolder, gulping down half of her meal in one bite. “What’s up?”

“I was just wondering,” Spike thought about how to broach this subject. “Umm… how often do ponies call you by the wrong gender? Because it feels like it happens to me all the time.”

Smolder shrugged, “It’s not like I have a right gender.”

Spike tilted his head. “Yeah you do, you’re a girl.”

“I could be, but it’s not like any creature knows for sure,” said Smolder, scarfing down the rest of her sandwich.

Spike blinked several times. She hadn’t said anywhere remotely the words he had been expecting to come from his question and he was having trouble comprehending what she had actually said.

“But of course you’re a girl,” Spike said. “I mean—I use she/her pronouns on you because you’re a girl.”

Smolder shrugged. “Somepony had called me a girl when I first came here, and I just rolled with it. I roll with whatever they call me. I won’t know anything for sure for a couple of decades anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.”

Spike gaped at her. “Wh—what are you talking about?”

Smolder raised her eyebrows before furrowing them. “Nopony has told you anything about dragon biology, have they? Do I really gotta explain this too!?”

“Explain what?” said Spike. He was starting to get the feeling that he should not have talked to Smolder.

She had the kind of dejected look on her face that only very annoyed parents got when they had to have that kind of ‘talk.’

“Dragons don’t reach sexual maturity for several decades after their hatching. Until then, it’s nearly impossible to tell what their sex is. I mean—I could be male or I could be female. It all depends on whether I get an erection someday and have a penis, or if I lay an infertile egg. It could go either way.”

At this point Spike started shuffling his feet back and forth. “W—What?”

“Yeah, the same goes for you too, buddy. You probably won’t find out for a while. How old are you right now?”

Spike stared at her before her question finally caught up to his brain, “right right now? I’m twenty-two.”

“Oh… you got a while probably. I’m in my fifties so I should know in less than sixty years. But you still got six to ten decades before you’ll know your sex for sure.”

“What!? What’s with that range?”

“Well, dragons are really, really different from each other. Height, girth, shape, colors, all of it can have an impact on when sexual maturity actually occurs, but it’s not gonna happen until you get quite a bit bigger. Which… a dragon can live like… what? 3000 years? So all things considered, you’ll know your sex for quite a while of your life. Just not anytime soon.”

Spike gaped at her.

“You get all that?”

“So does—does that mean I’m not a boy?” asked Spike.

Smolder folded her arms and stared at him. “You could be, but you could also be a girl too. You can’t know for sure.”

“So… I’m not a boy?” repeated Spike.

Smolder stared at Spike and then glanced up to see Twilight flying off somewhere.

“Headmaster Twilight, you gotta sec!?” yelled Smolder from across the lawn.

“Now Smolder,” began Twilight as she rounded on her. “We’ve talked about this. Just because you’re outside doesn’t mean you need to use your outside voice.”

“I have some concerns. You kind of raised Spike, right?”

“Well yes, of course I did.”

“Uh huh, and how do you know Spike is a boy?”

Twilight raised her eyebrows. “Uhh… well… hmm… that is a very good question, Smolder.”

“And you don’t know the answer, right?” asked Smolder.

“Well,” Twilight blushed. “I’m sure I could find out but it seems a rather private subject to approach.”

“So why did you start using male pronouns around Spike then?”

“Oh, when I was a filly I just thought all dragons were boys,” said Twilight as Spike looked on in horror. “Y’know… like how all dogs are boys and all cats are girls? I just thought that that was how Equestria worked.

Twilight gave a weak smile. “Well… I was most definitely wrong on ALL counts! Though I still used male pronouns on Spike because I wasn’t about to ask for clarification.”

Spike didn’t know what to say to that.

“That explains a lot, Headmaster Twilight. But I think we’ve reached the limit for what you know about this. Were you on your way somewhere?”

Twilight looked positively relieved at the chance to escape Spike’s notice at that moment. “Yes, I have quite a bit of paperwork to fill out. I’ll see you all later!”

Smolder shrugged as Twilight disappeared. “So that’s that then, huh?”

Spike didn’t know what to say.

“You need anything else?” asked Smolder. “Let me know if you want me to change the pronouns I use for you or something. Though honestly being a boy or girl. It doesn't really matter.”

Spike stayed silent. He hunched over, dejected.

“I’m just gonna… go,” said Smolder, walking off.

Spike stared down at where he imagined his sheath and scrotum would be if he had one. It was nothing but smooth scales just like Smolder and all of the other dragons he had met.

Apparently some form of masculinity might happen to him one day.

Might.

If he did have a penis, it sounded like it would all be mostly internal. With stallions, they got to have a sheath so there was some outward appearance. And that was just the penis portion of their masculinity. Do male dragons not get balls?

Maybe that was better off. For the stallions Spike had seen around Ponyville, the full masculine set they wielded sometimes looked a bit uncomfortable. It couldn’t have been that safe to have such a dangly, precious organ hanging out there.

Maybe it’d be better to not be a ‘he?’

He could be a 'she' someday. But he didn’t know for sure. She didn’t know for sure?

She tried on the idea of being female for just a moment and then Spike shivered.

It didn’t feel right at all. He was comfortable being male. He wanted to be male. But what if a few decades from now he wasn’t male? What had Smolder said? He could lay an infertile egg and then he’d know he was a girl for sure?

That… was awful.

From Spike’s view from outside the friendship school, he could see quite a number of creatures about.

There was an adult stallion walking along with his wife and a young foal of his own. That stallion was barely a few years older than Spike. And he already had a family and everything.

While Spike had always been grateful to have Twilight. It didn't compare to how he would have liked to be raised. And he could raise his own hatchlings right in his own way. But now that wouldn't happen for forever, even if he did find the right spouse to share himself with.

Rarity would be an old mare before...

Spike shook his head. There were so many reasons his crush with Rarity would never work. But this news completely crushed whatever inkling of a desire he had left.

Spike spotted Gallus sunbathing on his back in the middle of a field, taking a nap. Even male griffons had a scrotum and a sheath.

Spike knew it was wrong to stare, but he couldn’t help but feel incredibly jealous in that moment. Where was his own set? He was a boy, right? He deserved to be completely intact with everything that came with, right?

Even if he was male, he wouldn’t have anything to show for it for decades.

That was such a long time.

Granted, he could be alive for about 3000 years so the amount of time he was completely intact would be more than 97% of his life. That was quite a long time all things considered. But he wanted to be male now.

If he even was male.

Spike got up and started flying back to his own room in the castle

What would it be like if he was born a girl? Honestly, probably not much would be different. Perhaps Twilight would have included him more in her adventures with their friends? Mares certainly did seem to be in more leadership roles among ponies than stallions. Would Twilight have treated him any differently?

He supposed he could still test it. He could politely ask to be referred to as she and her. And see how anypony else changed their behavior. He couldn’t even think of any examples of how his own behavior would change—besides the internal feeling of wrongness about it. It’s not like he would start wearing makeup or stop playing Ogres & Oubliettes or something. Any change from being a girl wouldn’t change much.

So then why was he so horrified by the idea of being a girl?

If he could take the feeling and apply some sense of logic to it, he supposed it came down to identity. He liked being male. He couldn’t put a claw on why. He just did. He was comfortable being male. If any pony asked him about his gender identity he could say he was: “Happily male.”

But what did that mean if he didn’t truly know one way or the other? He could say he was male and carry on the rest of his young life and a few things could happen.

Spike arrived back in his room, ready to scribble on a page and get these circular thoughts out on paper.

Scenario 1:
I continue to be male. And a few years from now I find I have a penis and all is right in Equestria. I am biologically and mentally male. YES!

Scenario 2:
I continue to be male. And a few years from now I lay an infertile egg and find out that I’m female. I am biologically female, but have been mentally male.
At this point, scenario 2 branches out.

2A) I’ll need to readjust and request that the ponies and dragons I know call me female pronouns instead. And I change my life to be female

2B) I continue to pretend I’m male, and only share that I’m biologically female with romantic partners that need to know.

Scenario 3:
I let everypony know that I don’t know whether I’m a boy or a girl. And that it’s up in the air. I guess they could call me by they/them pronouns? That feels worse somehow. At least for himself, having a gender feels better than not having one?

Spike stared at his list and felt very uncomfortable with all the scenarios. The odd part about this was that he wasn’t questioning what he wanted. He was already very comfortable being male. He liked being a he. And he wished with all his heart that he would stay a he for his whole life.

So… it could be Scenario 1, with Scenario 2B as a nightmarish worst case scenario. It was a 50/50 chance of either happening.

He didn’t like that probability at all.