Dangly Bits

It took a few days to get an appointment with Starlight Glimmer. A few days where he agonized over how to get a second opinion.

Ideally, there was some kind older male dragon that could explain some things to Spike about his own body.

Like… a father.

That thought brought a whole host of other feelings that were very upsetting and didn’t matter because that particular problem was likely never going to be resolved no matter what Spike did. He was just going to have to be a better father than his father was. If… he was even male that is.

Spike breathed in and out and then entered the counselors office.

“Hey Starlight!” said Spike with feigned cheerfulness.

“Hey Spike! How are you doing?” asked Starlight.

“I’m fine!” said Spike.

“Well great. Then what brings you in today?”

“I’m not fine!” said Spike, who somehow began to grin even though it was the exact opposite of how he was feeling.

“I can work with that! So… what are you not feeling fine about?”

Spike breathed out and clapped his claws together. “Well… okay. Let me back up for a second here and say that you probably aren’t the best pony to talk about my particular umm… anatomy problems. Ideally, I would talk to an older male dragon that could kind of tell me what to expect.”

“This is a dragon biology thing?”

“Yep.”

“Ah, yeah I’m probably not the best for that.”

“I know! I just… I really need somebody to talk to about this and Twilight has been terrible about this for forever. I mean—she did give me a stallion and mare anatomy textbook once which was simultaneously uncomfortable, helpful, and completely useless. I got some vocabulary words out of that. For mammals at least. And umm... so anyway... you don’t happen to know any older male dragons I could talk to, do you?”

Starlight brought a hoof to her muzzle, thinking for a moment. “Yeah, I really don’t know. I’m sorry Spike.”

“If you don’t know, do you know how I might get in touch with someone that might know?”

“Aren’t you good friends with Dragon Lord Ember? If anyone can help you it would be her.”

Spike scrunched his snout. “Hmmm… I had thought of her, but I’m way too nervous she’d ask questions about what I’m trying to ask questions about and umm…” He paused for a moment before shivering. “I just don’t even want to entertain that thought and it scares me.”

Spike’s eyes wandered down to the floor. “In fact, most of dragon culture scares me. While I’d like some nice dragon to talk to, most of them are just really really mean. So even if I have biological things that I’d like to know about I’m not so sure the dragon route is good to take anyway.”

“Okay,” Starlight said. “We’ll put a pin in talking to Ember for a second. How about someone closer to home? Is Smolder out of the question to talk to as well?”

“Oh…” Spike hesitated. “Smolder caused all this terror to begin with.”

Starlight cocked an eyebrow.

“Do you want to know the details? I don’t think you want to know the details. This is umm… kind of…”

“Spike, I’ve seen a lot of crazy things in my time, especially when I was mind controlling ponies,” she said wistfully. “There’s always a bit of their mind I get as well. So… I’m all ears. Plus, I learned this nifty forgetfulness spell the other day. I’m pretty sure I’ve never used it before. But that’s probably the forgetfulness spell kicking in. I’m better about that now though! I’m keeping tally’s in a filing cabinet now. So whatever I don’t remember can at least be catalogued.”

Spike could only stare at her as she took a sip of tea. “Why would you need a forgetfulness spell?” asked Spike.

“For complete secrecy’s sakes, of course. Sometimes it helps to really hammer home that I’m a good confidant to share something with.”

“Okay… I think the self-memory erasure may be worse for you than my current problem is.”

“Really?”

Spike chewed on the idea more, as if the notion was a particularly hard piece of amethyst.

“Then again, maybe not… hmm… okay it is a toss-up.”

“You… could tell me and I could compare too?” said Starlight.

Spike stared down in between his legs for a brief moment before staring at the floor again.

“I’m not sure if I’m a boy or not.”

Starlight listened intently, so Spike stammered on. “I mean… well… Smolder told me that she doesn’t know her own gender biologically either. But she just went by ‘she’ because that simplified things. Apparently dragons don’t even develop their sexual organs for decades after hatching—sometimes a century! I… won’t know if I’m a boy or a girl until then.” Spike trailed off and silence filled the room.

“And…?” asked Starlight.

“This is horrible!” said Spike. “Age-wise I’m 22 right now and I just got my wings. And now I won’t even get a dick or balls until I’m in my 80’s!? If then? It’s not fair! I know stallions my age that are already fathers and I’m here without… without anything. I’m not masculine… I’m not feminine… I can’t help create a family. I… I really don’t belong at all.”

“That is a lot to unpack,” said Starlight.

“I know!” said Spike, eyes finally tearing away from the floor and to the potted plant next to Starlight. “I can’t stand going outside. I see all these creatures of all shapes and sizes that are fully intact. There’s no doubt if they’re male or female at all from the second they are born. But I don’t get that luxury. I’m not male or female. I’m unknown until sheer time reveals what I am.”

“Forgive my intrusion, but do you need to know right now?”

“YES!” said Spike, sitting up straighter and moving his claws around wildly as he spoke. “Every other creature knows what sex they are right away. Twilight literally just called me a boy on a whim with no reasoning behind it. It feels like my entire life is upside down. And that’s not even the worst part! I may not even be a boy at all. I really like being male. It’s nice in it’s own ways and I’ve gotten really comfortable being male. I want to stay being male. I’d like my own set of masculine anatomy like every stallion that I see every day gets to flaunt around like it’s not something special. And I thought I’d be getting my own pair soon after these wings came in but now I learn that that’ll happen decades from now if it happens at all!”

Starlight took a sip of tea. “You’re right, that is not the best.”

“Yeah…,” said Spike, leaning back into the sofa.

“I’m not one to compare misfortunes in life, but in this case, I’d say your biological predicament outweighs my self-forgetting spells.”

Spike smiled weakly. “I still think the self forgetfulness spells are probably a bad idea.”

“Note taken,” said Starlight, literally scribbling down something on a sheet a paper. “Well, I want to let you know that your feelings are entirely valid. I never thought knowing I’m a mare would be something I’d be taking for granted, but here I am.”

“I just want a dick,” said Spike, who hastily added, “my own dick!”

Starlight nodded, “Always good to clarify.”

“With my own set of balls and everything. But I’m not sure if dragons even get balls, do they?”

“Hmm… as far as I’m aware, most reptiles have internal genitals. So your testicles would probably stay safely inside your own body.”

Spike frowned.

“It does seem a safer place for them all things considered. I don’t know how stallions manage with everything on the outside like that.”

“Well… whatever male dragons are supposed to have… I’d like that please.”

“I’m not sure if I got any spells on hand that do what you’re looking for.”

“No— I meant in a vague sense of ‘I’d like the universe to grant me a dick,’” said Spike, who realized what Starlight had just said. “Although… if you got some magic and you’re offering, I’ll listen to what you have to say.”

Starlight gulped. “I don’t think I have anything for that, I’m afraid. There are a few magical ways to at least check what your sex is though.”

“Really!?” Spike perked up, finally looking at her directly.

“I’m extremely hesitant to do any time travel, especially because I’d have to get permission from all four princesses to even try anything. And it wouldn’t be a pure reconnaissance trip, as I’d actually have to ask your century old self whether he’s male or female which could get awkward.”

“Hey! I have a good memory. I’d save that date forever! Whatever day in the future you go to I would be grateful to see you and to tell my past self what happened.”

“Hmm… okay… let’s put a pin in that for now. And don’t let me forget that talking to Dragon Lord Ember is still pin #1.”

Starlight physically got out a box of thumbtacks and hastily wrote down “#2 Time Travel,” “#1 Ember,” before scribbling “#3 Human world.”

“How many weeks does it take to get to the dragon lands?” asked Starlight.

“Around two,” said Spike. “So guaranteed a month gone altogether.”

“Hmm… do you think the dragon lands will have any extra insight you’d like to hear? I mean you could always go the happy route of (she wrote down #4: Acceptance) just taking life as it is.”

“Why in Tartarus would I want to take life as it is!? That’s terrible.”

“Okay, we may need to change some of your vocabulary. It’s not ‘terrible.’ It’s an inconvenience. A bother. Contrary to expectations. Upsetting. Terrible is a bit too strong of a word.”

“It’s terrible then.”

Starlight coughed on her tea.

“Yeah… I can’t think of a stronger word to describe how I’m feeling so let’s go with that.”

“Okay, let’s try pin #3 then,” said Starlight, rearranging her pins. “When you went to the human world with Twilight, you transformed into a dog, correct?”

“Uhh… yeah! I did! Hey! I could—“

“Yes! You could. Dogs are mammals like ponies so it should be pretty clear what sex you are.”

Spike’s face lit up like it was Hearth’s Warming Eve.

“You don’t happen to remember what sex you were as a dog, do you?”

Spike racked his mind, desperately trying to remember how he peed when he had been a dog. “No… I don’t.”

“Well then, let’s find out if you have a dick!”

Spike blinked.

“I take it you would like some discretion and privacy after getting to the human world, right? I mean—this should be a very quick in and out trip, but you’d probably be uncomfortable if a bunch of humans were around, right?”

Spike thought about it for a moment. “Yeah… I’d prefer it if it was just me.”

“I’m going to come too, just in case terrible things happen and the gate closes or sends you to the wrong plane of existence or something ridiculous.”

“That wouldn’t happen, would it?”

“Spike, it’s a magical gate to another dimension. It’s probably fine. But arcana like that is always fiddly in all the wrong ways, so I’d like to be cautious.”

Spike had half a mind to rush into the mirror room, quickly check, and then rush back home. But Starlight did have a point.

“How does midnight tonight sound? Everything should be calm and quiet on the other side for a quick check and back.”
Spike nodded. For the first time since the conversation with Smolder, he felt better. It wouldn’t take decades to find out what he was, just a few more hours.