The otherworldy adventures of Cain and Abelby The Great FATSBYChaptersTwo Ton TonyBetween a rock farm and a hard placeMy name is Pinkie PieTwo Ton TonyA rapidly descending bolt of lightning illuminates the bleak night sky like a fireworks display and the accompanying crack of thunder stirs the living and the dead alike. A second, third, and later a fourth strike of elemental electricity rocket down from the sky and are followed shortly after by more deep, bellowing roars from the near instantaneous heating and expansion of the surrounding air. Large, heavy drops of contaminated rain pour down by the bucket full and drench all those who remain out and about at such indecent hours, fortunately those who do prowl about under the cover of darkness care little whether they stay dry or not, in fact all they care about is their next meal. Cain used to love the sound of rain, it calmed him, soothed his irrational anger, and more often than not lulled him into a long, deep slumber, and he still does, but now it’s different. It no longer comforts him as it once did. Now it just worries him to no end. To be fair it isn’t the rain that specifically torments him, no, it’s the mournful cries and the awful wails and the lasting shrieks of those who stand out it the torrential downpour and search endlessly to fill their gaping maws with the flesh of those like what they once were. They howl and scream, they moan and weep, they screech and holler and it’s more than enough to drive any man insane. But Cain is no average man; he is far superior to his fellow Homo-Sapiens in both mental capacity and physical strength but the ongoing voices of the dead and damned take a toll on him nonetheless. He covers his ears and half sings an old song to himself, he rocks to and fro and clenches his eyelids together, he drowns out the white noise of the ghouls and the rain and prays to God or whoever may be listening, he breaks. Days, weeks, and now months of being bombarded from every which way by the siren song of the undead are finally taking their toll, his lost wife and deceased daughter only add to the stress on his mind. He shivers from the cold and fingers his sidearm; ‘One second,’ he thinks, ‘one second and I could end all this and be rid of these damn creatures and be with Cassandra and Del again… One pull of the trigger and…’ his morbid thoughts go unfinished as a resonating crash from outside meets his ears. “The fuck was that?” he shouts into the dark. “A zombie of course!” a voice from nearby answers. “What did you think it was? Jehovah’s witnesses here to tell us the good news?” “Dammit Abel,” Cain swears as the crashes and rattles from outside fade away, “Don’t give me that sarcastic bullshit, you know I’m paranoid and I’ve every right to be.” “Go to sleep Cain,” Abel commands quietly, “we’ll be fine and when morning comes we’ll ditch this filthy warehouse and find us a nice place to wait this whole mess out. Just you wait an see, starting tomorrow everything’ll start to go our way. Trust me.” Abel readjusts himself on his bedroll and immediately begins to snore, a few feet away Cain nods to himself and wraps his blanket tighter around his shoulders. “Yeah,” Cain mutters, “starting tomorrow, everything will go our way.” And with that Cain dips his head down and drifts to sleep. * * * Sunlight filters into the long abandoned and recently reclaimed warehouse through cracks in the boards and planks barricading the buildings windows. Abel silently sharpens his machete on a wet stone and glances over at his sleeping comrade and the dead at their door whenever one or the other moves much. After a half hour of cleaning, checking, and preparing all of his weapons Abel finally decides that his friend has slept in long enough. With a solid kick to the thigh and a lengthy string of swears and degradations the farmer manages to wake his inner-city cohort. “The hell was that for?” Cain asks groggily as he stands and stretches. “That was for sleeping in so damn late,” Abel calmly explains, “ready to head out?” “Yeah, gimme a minute.” Cain rudely pushes past Abel and meanders over to the bucket they had designated as toilet. Abel averts his eyes as his friend drops trou and relieves himself. “So where are we gonna go now?” Cain asks in-between grunts. “I ain’t quite figured that out yet,” Abel replies while loading up all of his gear and supplies, “as far as I’m concerned anywhere’s better than here.” “I won’t argue with that,” Cain mutters, “I’m up for going anywhere as long as we can get some grub and clean water, I ain’t eaten in a week and I’ve been shitting nonstop cause of this fetid piss we’ve been drinking.” Cain stops and sighs. “Hey, any chance we could head back towards Detroit?” “Uh,” Abel stutters, “I don’t think so, the place is sure to be crawling with infected, besides I’m sure it’s been picked clean of supplies.” “Damn…” Cain curses as he stands and begins his own packing. “Oh well, say, how ’bout we-” his proposition ends prematurely, interrupted by a sudden burst of gunfire and thickly accented voices shouting from outside. “Ahh hell no…” Abel buries his face in his hands as a pair of muscular men barge into the warehouse and point automatic rifles at Cain and him. “Hands up! Weapons down! You come with us or kill you dead!” a bearded man holding a Kalashnikov yells in broken English as the other man walks towards Cain and Abel. “What the fuck is going on here?” Cain demands to know. “Shut up!” the bearded man screams. “Kill you!” he raises his gun threateningly. “Shit…” Abel mutters as the second man confiscates his weapons and the Cain’s. “You now move.” The man with the beard orders and points at the exit. “In car, else kill, move now!” due to the rather persuasive maneuver the abductors are utilizing Cain and Abel follow their directions and quietly allow themselves to be lead to a convoy of three waiting Humvees. Abel and Cain heft themselves up and into the supped up rides and find themselves sitting directly across from their worst nightmare: a fat slob of an Italian who went by the name Two Ton Tony. Before either of the shell shocked survivors can even speak the SUV shifts into drive and Tony begins. “I have been informed of some upsetting news recently,” he says with a strong accent, “concerning you twos not paying protection to my men and me. Why do you disrespect me like that?” “With all due respect Mr. Tony-” Cain starts to say. “Two Ton,” Tony corrects, “call me Two Ton.” “Uh,” Cain stutters, “Okay Two Ton, what I was going to say was that we had no need of your protection, we’ve been doing aight without anyone’s help.” Tony laughs heartily making Cain jump and Abel twitch. “What? Are you twos idiots? Are yous pulling my leg? I don’t offer ‘protection’ I just collect protection money.” Tony chuckles a bit more and then stops dead, a grim expression overtakes his previously jolly face. “Now if yous know what’s good for yous then you’ll pay up. NOW.” The obese mobster explains. “Hmm.” Abel mumbles. “No.” Cain refuses outright. “What?” Abel asks in bemusement. “WHAT?” Tony asks in rage. “No, we’re not going to pay your fat ass for nothing.” Cain tells him. “I thought you’d say that,” Tony grins, “don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll figure out an… acceptable payment plan.” “Shit…” Abel swears under his breath as Tony laughs deviously and the Humvee takes them further and further from the safety of their warehouse, it may have been shitty but even it was better than this. *** The blistering heat of the summer sun bears down on the land and evaporates all of the water that had been displaced by overflowing clouds that morning and the night before. The glare forces Cain and Abel to look down as they are escorted from their Humvee and into the middle of a small arena filled with a couple dozen hollering spectators. Tony walks beside them and shouts above the roar of the crowd. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’d love to introduce to you Cain and Abel!” the crowd voices it’s approval. “These two think they can get away with not paying me for protection,” the crowd boos, “well, Imma demonstrate just why they need protection.” A guard leads Cain and Abel over to a lone ten foot pole sticking out of the ground and handcuffs them to it before stepping away. Tony pulls back his suit jacket to reveal an odd looking sidearm, he retrieves it and holds it up for the anxious crowd to gaze and gawk at. “I acquired this beauty from some experimental scientists in the army, I don’t know what it does but I’m sure it will teach these two degenerates a lesson.” Tony raises the weapon and aims at Cain. “Should I?” he asks they crowd. “YES!” the crowd eagerly responds. “Without another word Tony pulls the trigger and a pale blue light arcs out of the barrel of the gun and speeds towards Cain, as soon as it touches him he screams in pain and vanishes from sight. The crowd and Tony both stare as the blue aura jumps to the pole and then to Abel, causing them both to disappear just as Cain had done moments ago. A hush falls over the makeshift stadium until one brave soul applauds Tony’s show of force. Soon more hands join in on the clapping until everyone is cheering for Two Ton Tony. Tony stands staring so intently at the now vacant spot in the land that it takes a minute for him to even notice the standing ovation he’s receiving. He turns and smiles at his loyal fans. “I sure showed those chumps never to fuck with TWO TON TONY!” the crowd cheers once more and Tony does a little bow, not because that’s all the people deserve but because it’s all his obese body can manage. With a final cry of victory Tony walks away from the stadium and returns his thoughts to business and how he can utilize this new toy of his. *** Elsewhere in the multiverse two men and a ten foot length of steel pole rip and tear through the fabric of time, unraveling much of it as they go, and end up slipping through a lose seam and into a different world all together. They land within seconds and inches of each other; first Cain on the hard, dry ground and then Abel on the soft padding of Cain’s abdomen and finally the pole only a millimeter from Cain’s face. “Goddamn…” Cain mutters and pushes Abel off of his stomach. “Where in the hell…” Abel’s statement needs not be concluded as his friend understands it immediately, they now stand in a wide open field of nothing but dust and flat, smooth rock as far as the eye can see. Nothing more, nothing else except, wait. “Is that a farm house?” Abel whispers. “Let’s go and see.” Cain proposes. Together the two worn down and beaten up men walk through a strange farm and towards their only hope for help. They may be lost in a foreign land and without and assistance but as long as they are allied they will prevail. They always have. Between a rock farm and a hard place“Jesus tap dancing Christ it’s hot!” Abel whines as he and Cain trudge past dozens of large, flat rocks and towards the farm house. “No shit,” Cain agrees, “now let’s quit bitchin’ and get a move on, I’m sure whoever owns this place will let us crash in the barn for a night.” “And maybe they have food!” Abel adds hopefully. “Yeah,” Cain mutters as they near the barn, “maybe they do…” He stops for a moment and squints at the barn. “And maybe they have a well and a water pump!” Without waiting for his friend Cain breaks out into a sprint and doesn’t stop until he reaches the light red building. “Thank God!” he cries to the heavens above as he furiously starts to work the water pumps handle up and down. Abel quickly meets his friend and laughs joyously as fresh, clean water spills from the pump. “Is it cold?” Abel asks. “Does it really matter?” Cain replies before dunking his entire head underneath the stream of crystal clear liquid. “I guess not…” Abel sighs and bends down to get a drink. They kneel there guzzling the lukewarm water and pouring it onto their faces and necks until their thirst is quenched and their warm skin is cooled. “This is…it’s…” Cain mumbles as he pulls a canteen from his pack and fills it. “It’s a miracle, a Godsend…” Abel continues. “And it’s on my land.” A husky voice concludes. Cain and Abel turn to look at the speaker. “We didn’t mean to trespass,” Cain begins to explain before even seeing who he is addressing, “but we’ve gone months without any clean water and…” After surviving the zombie apocalypse, fleeing from bandits, sleeping with once famous models, and most recently being blown away by a fat fucking guido Cain had thought he’d seen it all. He was wrong. “Where in Equestria have you two been that you couldn’t get clean water,” a light brown pony wearing a black fedora and tie asks, “and where in Equestria are you even from?” “Equestria?” Abel mouths silently. “Huh… wha… uhh…” Cain stutters and babbles in shock. “Did that horse seriously just talk to us?” Abel asks skeptically. “I… I think he did…” Cain confirms. “Horse?” the stallion mocks. “I’m no horse, I’m an earth pony.” “…” Cain fails to speak and instead just stares at the talking animal in front of him. “What the hell did Tony do to us?” Abel asks right before fainting. “Abel!” Cain shouts as his friend slumps over and collides with the side of the barn. The brown stallion rushes to Abel’s limp body and supports him until Cain can help. “Is your friend okay?” The stallion asks. “Yeah,” Cain murmurs, “yeah I think so. He’s just… shocked I guess.” “Well I think that we should probably get him inside.” the stallion nods at Abel and then the farmhouse. Cain grunts affirmatively and slings Abel over his shoulders. “Lead the way man.” He tells the stallion. Soon the two men and one pony are inside a quaint home and out of the heat for the time being. Cain gently sets Abel down onto a modest couch and takes a seat next to him. The brown stallion stands eye level with the dark skinned man now and speaks again. “The name’s Clyde by the way,” he introduces himself, “and you are?” “Uh, just call me Cain.” Cain answers with a bit of hesitation. “Cain huh?” Clyde smiles softly and nods. “Well it’s a pleasure to meet you Mr. Cain.” He holds a rough, worn hoof out to shake. Cain copies the motion and wraps his fingers around the hard bones that composed Clyde’s single toe. “Just Cain’s fine,” Cain points at his passed out friend, “and that’s Abel, or at least that’s what I call him.” “Don’t you know your own friends real name?” Clyde asks curiously. “Naw,” Cain admits. “Well how’d you two come to be friends if you don’t even know each other’s names?” Clyde questions. “I saved his sorry ass from some Z’s awhile back and let him hang with me. When he asked my name I just told him to call me Cain, you know, like the guy from the Bible, and then he joked that if I was Cain he hoped he wasn’t Abel… and I guess we just stuck with those nicknames ever since.” Cain explains. “Z’s?” Clyde looks confused. “Nothing you need to worry about,” Cain assures the equine, “I’m sure there aren’t any of ’em around here. Speaking of here, where is here?” “Here is Equestria o’ course!” a feminine voice rings out from the kitchen. “My wife; Sue.” Clyde tells Cain. “Come in here and meet our guests, dear.” Cain turns around to look as a pale mare with grey hair and half moon glasses enters the room. “Oh my!” she shouts, startled by the odd looking creatures sitting and lying on her couch. “Dear Celestia! What are you?” “Sue, these are our guests,” Clyde scolds his wife, “they’ve been through a good deal and Cain here has informed that they haven’t even had clean water lately.” “Or any food…” Cain adds. “Oh my,” Sue smiles sweetly, “I’m so very sorry, I meant no offense. Wait, what do you mean you haven’t had any food or water?” “We ran out of food last week and the only water available was contaminated rain…” Cain tells her. “You’re… Oh my… Really?” Sue asks in astonishment. “Really really.” Cain answers. “Well then,” Sue says with a huff, “would you and your poor, exhausted friend like to stay here for supper?” “Absolutly!” Cain immediately accepts. “If that’s okay I mean.” He smiles at Clyde. “Of course it is,” Clyde pats Cain on the arm, “anypony who is in need shall be cared for by those who can. You two obviously are in need and we’ve plenty of food to give you.” “Thank you Clyde.” Cain says sincerely. “What’s going on?” Abel blinks his eyes and asks weakly. “Weird shit,” Cain tells him, “weird shit man.” My name is Pinkie PieSue promises on starting supper but insists that Cain and Abel get something to drink first. Both men thank her repeatedly when she brings a large pitcher of iced tea out for them. “I have a veggie casserole cooking,” Sue tells them, “would that be okay?” “Sounds wonderful.” Abel answers with a happy grin. “Fine by me.” Cain agrees. “It’ll be ready soon.” Sue assures them all and looks over to her husband who is reading a local newspaper contently. “Clyde, could you go fetch Inkie and Blinkie for me and tell them about supper and our quests?” Clyde rises from his chair and nods to his wife and guests. “I’ll be back in a bit.” He tells them and leaves. Sue waves to him as he walks away and returns to her station in the kitchen. “So where are you colts from?” she asks. “Detroit.” Cain mumbles, ignoring their hostess’s odd choice of words. “Chicago.” Abel practically yells. “Hmm,” Sue hums curiously, “I’ve never heard of either of those places… are they near the Griffin kingdom?” “No,” Cain answers, “they’re cities in America.” “Oh…” Sue sounds surprised. “Is that near Japony?” “Nope,” Abel corrects her, “to be honest I don’t even think it’s on this world.” “Wha?!” Sue exclaims. “Then how in Equestria did you arrive here?” “We’ve been axing ourselves the same thing ma’am.” Cain replies. “My oh my, so do you colts have a place to stay?” Sue ponders. “Not at the moment.” Abel admits. “Well you two are more than welcome to stay here until you find your own place, I’m sure Clyde will be fine if you help him out a bit with the farm.” “I think we could do that.” Cain says with a slight shrug. “So who are Inkie and Blinkie?” Abel asks out of the blue. “Two of my daughters,” Sue explains, “they and Pinkie will all be joining us for supper tonight. I hope that’s okay.” “It’s all cool.” Cain assures her. “So when will they be h-” Abel’s question is cut short by a slamming door and a long squeal. “OhhhHHHHhhhhHHHH my gossssshhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!” a high pitched voice squeals. Cain and Abel look over at a slightly pudgy mare who could be none other than the aforementioned Pinkie. “Ican’tbelieveit’sreally,actually,totallytrue!” he says suddenly and without any pauses between her words. “Dad told me you were here and described you but I know they aren’t any humans in Equestria, that’s just an old mare’s tale, but you are here and you are humans and he wasn’t exaggerating and oh my gosh and wow your skin is dark, but not dark like coffee but not dark like hazel either and your friend is so pale and why’s your hair all messy and why are you clothes wrinkled and…” “PINKIE!” Clyde’s deep voice booms from the doorway as he walks in with two other mares, one light grey and the other mild blue, presumably Inkie and Blinkie, following him. “Please don’t disturb our guests.” “Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie hops in the air and slowly drifts back down. “So anyways…” “Supper’s ready!” Sue calls from the kitchen just in time to spare Cain and Able from any more of Pinkie’s rapid fire questions. “Inkie, Blinkie, Pinkie,” Clyde nods at each of his daughters and then towards his guests, “I’d like you all to meet Cain and Able, they are travelers who will be staying with us for a while.” “…” Inkie silently acknowledges the two men. “Good afternoon.” Blinkie politely greets them. “Ohmygosh!” Pinkie exclaims, “It’s so totally awesomeriffic to actually meet a living, breathing, smelly human!” “Heh,” Cain chuckles at Pinkie’s overwhelming excitement, “it’s nice to meet you all too.” He looks at Inkie, Blinkie, and Pinkie and smiles at each of them. No one but Abel notices how Cain looks at Pinkie just a few seconds longer than he had at her sisters or that his courteous smile turns into an honestly pleased one just for her. Abel considers mentioning it but decides to bring it up at a later, more appropriate, time. Right now there was food waiting for them. Sue ushers her daughters and guests into a small dining room and busies herself with setting out plates of rolls, pitchers of tea, and a large casserole dish containing the delicious smelling main course. “Everypony go ahead and sit down,” Sue sweetly orders as she finishes her work, “we’ll let our guests say grace, if that’s okay I mean.” She winches slightly at the thought of accidentally offending Cain or Abel. “No problem.” Cain says as he pulls an oddly shaped chair out and sits down without thinking. “Dear Loroohh shit!” the beginning of grace swiftly morphs into a pained swear as the chair legs crack and send Cain tumbling to the ground. “I am SO sorry.” He apologizes after hitting the ground. “Are you alright?” Clyde jumps from his seat to help Cain up. “Yeah,” Cain mutters, “I think I’ll just sit on the floor to eat, the table’s low enough down and I’d rather not take any chances with another chair.” He looks at the splintered wood and sighs. “Sorry ’bout that…” “Don’t you worry about a thing,” Sue tells him in a motherly tone, “so long as you’re alright we could care less about a simple chair, besides, it was old and wobbly anyway. Would you still like to say grace?” “Sure thing.” Cain accepts as soon as he finds a comfortable position to sit in which Abel also adopts, “Dear Lord, um, we thank you very much for, uh, letting us live through today and delivering us into the care of such kind people… ponies as these. Also, thanks a load for an actual meal! Amen.” Cain finishes his impromptu prayer. “Amen.’ Abel echoes. “Oh dear…” Sue whispers. “Tsk.” Inkie rolls her eyes. “In Celestia’s name.” Clyde announces solemnly. Blinkie and Sue both copy his words. “Dig in everpony!” Pinkie joyously concludes the prayer. Sue fills plates with casserole, rolls, and steamed veggies and passes them around to all seated at the table. Cain and Abel both follow Pinkie’s advice as soon as their plates arrive and are quickly asking for second helpings. “For two weary travelers,” Sue smiles at their request, “of course.” “So Cain,” Clyde swallows a mouthful of casserole and wipes his muzzle with a napkin, “when you said grace…” “I take it you all believe in a different god than we do,” Cain smiles nervously, “I hope I didn’t offend anyone because of that.” “Don’t worry about it,” Clyde closes his eyes and rubs his left temple slowly, “I just hope that you would respect our beliefs as we will yours.” “I can do that.” Abel blurts out. “Deal.” Cain says and reaches to shake Clyde’s hoof. “Deal.” Clyde says. “Sooooo,” Pinkie suddenly speaks up, “when can I throw you two a party?” “A party?” Abel questions the pink mare. “For what?” Cain asks. “To introduce you to everypony in Ponyville!” Pinkie exclaims. “Duh!” “Oh.” Cain grunts. “How about tomorrow?” Abel suggests. “Tomorrow it is than!” Pinkie says with a large, toothy smile. The meal continues on without much more excitement; Clyde tells Cain and Abel about the rock farm, a type of organic quarry, and Pinkie goes over every possible bit of planning for the party. When all of the plates are cleaned and everyone is stuffed supper is proclaimed to be over. “If you’ll give me just a moment I’ll have the quest room set up for you.” Sue tells Cain and Abel. “That was my old room!” Pinkie reminds everyone as her mother scurries off to put down clean sheets on the bed. “Good night.” Blinkie says to all and heads to her own room. “…” Inkie nods and follows her sister out of the room. “She sure is talkative.” Cain jokes. “She’s not much of a socialite,” Clyde explains, “please pay her rudeness no mind.” The aging stallion rises from his chair and turns to leave the house. “I’ll be on the porch having a smoke.” He says as he leaves. “I’m gonna go find out where the toilet’s at.” Abel says and hurries away leaving Cain and Pinkie alone together. “A real, live human.” Pinkie stares up at Cain making him more than just a little uncomfortable. “I never thought I’d see the day… But I did and you know what?” she asks suddenly. “What?” Cain takes the bait. Pinkie hops onto Cain’s lap and kisses him straight on the lips. “I like them.” Before Cain can even utter a word Pinkie giggles and jumps off of him. “See ya tomorrow!” she singsongs while walking out the door. Cain sits deathly still for a moment before taking a gasp of air and speaking to himself. “Damn…” In an attempt to clear his head Cain vacates the kitchen and joins Clyde on the front porch. “Mind if I sit with you?” Cain asks when Clyde looks over to him. “Go ahead; these chairs are much stronger than the ones in the kitchen.” Clyde invites him and Cain takes the proffered seat. “You wouldn’t happen to have a match on you,” Clyde asks, nodding to his unlit pipe as he speaks, “I forgot mine in the kitchen.” “I got something better,” Cain withdraws a cheap plastic lighter from his pants pocket and lights the pipe for Clyde, “there ya go.” Cain says as Clyde takes a puff and blows a few smoke rings. “You mind if I light up?” “Suit yourself.” Clyde answers with another barrage of misty, floating ovals. “Thanks.” Cain says as he retrieves a crumpled package of cigarillos and lights one. The two fellows, one human and one pony, sit there for a good half hour without even speaking, they just enjoy the night and compete to see who can make better smoke rings. Sue comes outside after a while to inform Cain that his bed is ready and that Abel is already sound asleep. Cain thanks her and raises to leave but a worn, rugged old hoof presses down on his hand and stops him short. “Pinkie and I had a brief conversation before she left.” Clyde states matter-of-factly. “And?” Cain asks. “And she seems to be quite stricken with you.” Clyde tells him. “Strucken,” Cain repeats, “how so?” “Not really sure; I didn’t ask, though I assume it to be as more than just a friend or an interesting pony” Clyde admits, “but whatever happens just remember that Pinkie IS my little girl and I do love her very much.” “I’ll remember that,” Cain promises, “but even if she is interested in me as more than a friend I don’t think I’ll feel the same way. Goodnight.” As Cain walks inside Clyde can’t help but laugh softly to himself. “Not even the same race as I but I can still tell when he’s lying, even if he can’t.”
Two Ton TonyA rapidly descending bolt of lightning illuminates the bleak night sky like a fireworks display and the accompanying crack of thunder stirs the living and the dead alike. A second, third, and later a fourth strike of elemental electricity rocket down from the sky and are followed shortly after by more deep, bellowing roars from the near instantaneous heating and expansion of the surrounding air. Large, heavy drops of contaminated rain pour down by the bucket full and drench all those who remain out and about at such indecent hours, fortunately those who do prowl about under the cover of darkness care little whether they stay dry or not, in fact all they care about is their next meal. Cain used to love the sound of rain, it calmed him, soothed his irrational anger, and more often than not lulled him into a long, deep slumber, and he still does, but now it’s different. It no longer comforts him as it once did. Now it just worries him to no end. To be fair it isn’t the rain that specifically torments him, no, it’s the mournful cries and the awful wails and the lasting shrieks of those who stand out it the torrential downpour and search endlessly to fill their gaping maws with the flesh of those like what they once were. They howl and scream, they moan and weep, they screech and holler and it’s more than enough to drive any man insane. But Cain is no average man; he is far superior to his fellow Homo-Sapiens in both mental capacity and physical strength but the ongoing voices of the dead and damned take a toll on him nonetheless. He covers his ears and half sings an old song to himself, he rocks to and fro and clenches his eyelids together, he drowns out the white noise of the ghouls and the rain and prays to God or whoever may be listening, he breaks. Days, weeks, and now months of being bombarded from every which way by the siren song of the undead are finally taking their toll, his lost wife and deceased daughter only add to the stress on his mind. He shivers from the cold and fingers his sidearm; ‘One second,’ he thinks, ‘one second and I could end all this and be rid of these damn creatures and be with Cassandra and Del again… One pull of the trigger and…’ his morbid thoughts go unfinished as a resonating crash from outside meets his ears. “The fuck was that?” he shouts into the dark. “A zombie of course!” a voice from nearby answers. “What did you think it was? Jehovah’s witnesses here to tell us the good news?” “Dammit Abel,” Cain swears as the crashes and rattles from outside fade away, “Don’t give me that sarcastic bullshit, you know I’m paranoid and I’ve every right to be.” “Go to sleep Cain,” Abel commands quietly, “we’ll be fine and when morning comes we’ll ditch this filthy warehouse and find us a nice place to wait this whole mess out. Just you wait an see, starting tomorrow everything’ll start to go our way. Trust me.” Abel readjusts himself on his bedroll and immediately begins to snore, a few feet away Cain nods to himself and wraps his blanket tighter around his shoulders. “Yeah,” Cain mutters, “starting tomorrow, everything will go our way.” And with that Cain dips his head down and drifts to sleep. * * * Sunlight filters into the long abandoned and recently reclaimed warehouse through cracks in the boards and planks barricading the buildings windows. Abel silently sharpens his machete on a wet stone and glances over at his sleeping comrade and the dead at their door whenever one or the other moves much. After a half hour of cleaning, checking, and preparing all of his weapons Abel finally decides that his friend has slept in long enough. With a solid kick to the thigh and a lengthy string of swears and degradations the farmer manages to wake his inner-city cohort. “The hell was that for?” Cain asks groggily as he stands and stretches. “That was for sleeping in so damn late,” Abel calmly explains, “ready to head out?” “Yeah, gimme a minute.” Cain rudely pushes past Abel and meanders over to the bucket they had designated as toilet. Abel averts his eyes as his friend drops trou and relieves himself. “So where are we gonna go now?” Cain asks in-between grunts. “I ain’t quite figured that out yet,” Abel replies while loading up all of his gear and supplies, “as far as I’m concerned anywhere’s better than here.” “I won’t argue with that,” Cain mutters, “I’m up for going anywhere as long as we can get some grub and clean water, I ain’t eaten in a week and I’ve been shitting nonstop cause of this fetid piss we’ve been drinking.” Cain stops and sighs. “Hey, any chance we could head back towards Detroit?” “Uh,” Abel stutters, “I don’t think so, the place is sure to be crawling with infected, besides I’m sure it’s been picked clean of supplies.” “Damn…” Cain curses as he stands and begins his own packing. “Oh well, say, how ’bout we-” his proposition ends prematurely, interrupted by a sudden burst of gunfire and thickly accented voices shouting from outside. “Ahh hell no…” Abel buries his face in his hands as a pair of muscular men barge into the warehouse and point automatic rifles at Cain and him. “Hands up! Weapons down! You come with us or kill you dead!” a bearded man holding a Kalashnikov yells in broken English as the other man walks towards Cain and Abel. “What the fuck is going on here?” Cain demands to know. “Shut up!” the bearded man screams. “Kill you!” he raises his gun threateningly. “Shit…” Abel mutters as the second man confiscates his weapons and the Cain’s. “You now move.” The man with the beard orders and points at the exit. “In car, else kill, move now!” due to the rather persuasive maneuver the abductors are utilizing Cain and Abel follow their directions and quietly allow themselves to be lead to a convoy of three waiting Humvees. Abel and Cain heft themselves up and into the supped up rides and find themselves sitting directly across from their worst nightmare: a fat slob of an Italian who went by the name Two Ton Tony. Before either of the shell shocked survivors can even speak the SUV shifts into drive and Tony begins. “I have been informed of some upsetting news recently,” he says with a strong accent, “concerning you twos not paying protection to my men and me. Why do you disrespect me like that?” “With all due respect Mr. Tony-” Cain starts to say. “Two Ton,” Tony corrects, “call me Two Ton.” “Uh,” Cain stutters, “Okay Two Ton, what I was going to say was that we had no need of your protection, we’ve been doing aight without anyone’s help.” Tony laughs heartily making Cain jump and Abel twitch. “What? Are you twos idiots? Are yous pulling my leg? I don’t offer ‘protection’ I just collect protection money.” Tony chuckles a bit more and then stops dead, a grim expression overtakes his previously jolly face. “Now if yous know what’s good for yous then you’ll pay up. NOW.” The obese mobster explains. “Hmm.” Abel mumbles. “No.” Cain refuses outright. “What?” Abel asks in bemusement. “WHAT?” Tony asks in rage. “No, we’re not going to pay your fat ass for nothing.” Cain tells him. “I thought you’d say that,” Tony grins, “don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll figure out an… acceptable payment plan.” “Shit…” Abel swears under his breath as Tony laughs deviously and the Humvee takes them further and further from the safety of their warehouse, it may have been shitty but even it was better than this. *** The blistering heat of the summer sun bears down on the land and evaporates all of the water that had been displaced by overflowing clouds that morning and the night before. The glare forces Cain and Abel to look down as they are escorted from their Humvee and into the middle of a small arena filled with a couple dozen hollering spectators. Tony walks beside them and shouts above the roar of the crowd. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’d love to introduce to you Cain and Abel!” the crowd voices it’s approval. “These two think they can get away with not paying me for protection,” the crowd boos, “well, Imma demonstrate just why they need protection.” A guard leads Cain and Abel over to a lone ten foot pole sticking out of the ground and handcuffs them to it before stepping away. Tony pulls back his suit jacket to reveal an odd looking sidearm, he retrieves it and holds it up for the anxious crowd to gaze and gawk at. “I acquired this beauty from some experimental scientists in the army, I don’t know what it does but I’m sure it will teach these two degenerates a lesson.” Tony raises the weapon and aims at Cain. “Should I?” he asks they crowd. “YES!” the crowd eagerly responds. “Without another word Tony pulls the trigger and a pale blue light arcs out of the barrel of the gun and speeds towards Cain, as soon as it touches him he screams in pain and vanishes from sight. The crowd and Tony both stare as the blue aura jumps to the pole and then to Abel, causing them both to disappear just as Cain had done moments ago. A hush falls over the makeshift stadium until one brave soul applauds Tony’s show of force. Soon more hands join in on the clapping until everyone is cheering for Two Ton Tony. Tony stands staring so intently at the now vacant spot in the land that it takes a minute for him to even notice the standing ovation he’s receiving. He turns and smiles at his loyal fans. “I sure showed those chumps never to fuck with TWO TON TONY!” the crowd cheers once more and Tony does a little bow, not because that’s all the people deserve but because it’s all his obese body can manage. With a final cry of victory Tony walks away from the stadium and returns his thoughts to business and how he can utilize this new toy of his. *** Elsewhere in the multiverse two men and a ten foot length of steel pole rip and tear through the fabric of time, unraveling much of it as they go, and end up slipping through a lose seam and into a different world all together. They land within seconds and inches of each other; first Cain on the hard, dry ground and then Abel on the soft padding of Cain’s abdomen and finally the pole only a millimeter from Cain’s face. “Goddamn…” Cain mutters and pushes Abel off of his stomach. “Where in the hell…” Abel’s statement needs not be concluded as his friend understands it immediately, they now stand in a wide open field of nothing but dust and flat, smooth rock as far as the eye can see. Nothing more, nothing else except, wait. “Is that a farm house?” Abel whispers. “Let’s go and see.” Cain proposes. Together the two worn down and beaten up men walk through a strange farm and towards their only hope for help. They may be lost in a foreign land and without and assistance but as long as they are allied they will prevail. They always have.
Between a rock farm and a hard place“Jesus tap dancing Christ it’s hot!” Abel whines as he and Cain trudge past dozens of large, flat rocks and towards the farm house. “No shit,” Cain agrees, “now let’s quit bitchin’ and get a move on, I’m sure whoever owns this place will let us crash in the barn for a night.” “And maybe they have food!” Abel adds hopefully. “Yeah,” Cain mutters as they near the barn, “maybe they do…” He stops for a moment and squints at the barn. “And maybe they have a well and a water pump!” Without waiting for his friend Cain breaks out into a sprint and doesn’t stop until he reaches the light red building. “Thank God!” he cries to the heavens above as he furiously starts to work the water pumps handle up and down. Abel quickly meets his friend and laughs joyously as fresh, clean water spills from the pump. “Is it cold?” Abel asks. “Does it really matter?” Cain replies before dunking his entire head underneath the stream of crystal clear liquid. “I guess not…” Abel sighs and bends down to get a drink. They kneel there guzzling the lukewarm water and pouring it onto their faces and necks until their thirst is quenched and their warm skin is cooled. “This is…it’s…” Cain mumbles as he pulls a canteen from his pack and fills it. “It’s a miracle, a Godsend…” Abel continues. “And it’s on my land.” A husky voice concludes. Cain and Abel turn to look at the speaker. “We didn’t mean to trespass,” Cain begins to explain before even seeing who he is addressing, “but we’ve gone months without any clean water and…” After surviving the zombie apocalypse, fleeing from bandits, sleeping with once famous models, and most recently being blown away by a fat fucking guido Cain had thought he’d seen it all. He was wrong. “Where in Equestria have you two been that you couldn’t get clean water,” a light brown pony wearing a black fedora and tie asks, “and where in Equestria are you even from?” “Equestria?” Abel mouths silently. “Huh… wha… uhh…” Cain stutters and babbles in shock. “Did that horse seriously just talk to us?” Abel asks skeptically. “I… I think he did…” Cain confirms. “Horse?” the stallion mocks. “I’m no horse, I’m an earth pony.” “…” Cain fails to speak and instead just stares at the talking animal in front of him. “What the hell did Tony do to us?” Abel asks right before fainting. “Abel!” Cain shouts as his friend slumps over and collides with the side of the barn. The brown stallion rushes to Abel’s limp body and supports him until Cain can help. “Is your friend okay?” The stallion asks. “Yeah,” Cain murmurs, “yeah I think so. He’s just… shocked I guess.” “Well I think that we should probably get him inside.” the stallion nods at Abel and then the farmhouse. Cain grunts affirmatively and slings Abel over his shoulders. “Lead the way man.” He tells the stallion. Soon the two men and one pony are inside a quaint home and out of the heat for the time being. Cain gently sets Abel down onto a modest couch and takes a seat next to him. The brown stallion stands eye level with the dark skinned man now and speaks again. “The name’s Clyde by the way,” he introduces himself, “and you are?” “Uh, just call me Cain.” Cain answers with a bit of hesitation. “Cain huh?” Clyde smiles softly and nods. “Well it’s a pleasure to meet you Mr. Cain.” He holds a rough, worn hoof out to shake. Cain copies the motion and wraps his fingers around the hard bones that composed Clyde’s single toe. “Just Cain’s fine,” Cain points at his passed out friend, “and that’s Abel, or at least that’s what I call him.” “Don’t you know your own friends real name?” Clyde asks curiously. “Naw,” Cain admits. “Well how’d you two come to be friends if you don’t even know each other’s names?” Clyde questions. “I saved his sorry ass from some Z’s awhile back and let him hang with me. When he asked my name I just told him to call me Cain, you know, like the guy from the Bible, and then he joked that if I was Cain he hoped he wasn’t Abel… and I guess we just stuck with those nicknames ever since.” Cain explains. “Z’s?” Clyde looks confused. “Nothing you need to worry about,” Cain assures the equine, “I’m sure there aren’t any of ’em around here. Speaking of here, where is here?” “Here is Equestria o’ course!” a feminine voice rings out from the kitchen. “My wife; Sue.” Clyde tells Cain. “Come in here and meet our guests, dear.” Cain turns around to look as a pale mare with grey hair and half moon glasses enters the room. “Oh my!” she shouts, startled by the odd looking creatures sitting and lying on her couch. “Dear Celestia! What are you?” “Sue, these are our guests,” Clyde scolds his wife, “they’ve been through a good deal and Cain here has informed that they haven’t even had clean water lately.” “Or any food…” Cain adds. “Oh my,” Sue smiles sweetly, “I’m so very sorry, I meant no offense. Wait, what do you mean you haven’t had any food or water?” “We ran out of food last week and the only water available was contaminated rain…” Cain tells her. “You’re… Oh my… Really?” Sue asks in astonishment. “Really really.” Cain answers. “Well then,” Sue says with a huff, “would you and your poor, exhausted friend like to stay here for supper?” “Absolutly!” Cain immediately accepts. “If that’s okay I mean.” He smiles at Clyde. “Of course it is,” Clyde pats Cain on the arm, “anypony who is in need shall be cared for by those who can. You two obviously are in need and we’ve plenty of food to give you.” “Thank you Clyde.” Cain says sincerely. “What’s going on?” Abel blinks his eyes and asks weakly. “Weird shit,” Cain tells him, “weird shit man.”
My name is Pinkie PieSue promises on starting supper but insists that Cain and Abel get something to drink first. Both men thank her repeatedly when she brings a large pitcher of iced tea out for them. “I have a veggie casserole cooking,” Sue tells them, “would that be okay?” “Sounds wonderful.” Abel answers with a happy grin. “Fine by me.” Cain agrees. “It’ll be ready soon.” Sue assures them all and looks over to her husband who is reading a local newspaper contently. “Clyde, could you go fetch Inkie and Blinkie for me and tell them about supper and our quests?” Clyde rises from his chair and nods to his wife and guests. “I’ll be back in a bit.” He tells them and leaves. Sue waves to him as he walks away and returns to her station in the kitchen. “So where are you colts from?” she asks. “Detroit.” Cain mumbles, ignoring their hostess’s odd choice of words. “Chicago.” Abel practically yells. “Hmm,” Sue hums curiously, “I’ve never heard of either of those places… are they near the Griffin kingdom?” “No,” Cain answers, “they’re cities in America.” “Oh…” Sue sounds surprised. “Is that near Japony?” “Nope,” Abel corrects her, “to be honest I don’t even think it’s on this world.” “Wha?!” Sue exclaims. “Then how in Equestria did you arrive here?” “We’ve been axing ourselves the same thing ma’am.” Cain replies. “My oh my, so do you colts have a place to stay?” Sue ponders. “Not at the moment.” Abel admits. “Well you two are more than welcome to stay here until you find your own place, I’m sure Clyde will be fine if you help him out a bit with the farm.” “I think we could do that.” Cain says with a slight shrug. “So who are Inkie and Blinkie?” Abel asks out of the blue. “Two of my daughters,” Sue explains, “they and Pinkie will all be joining us for supper tonight. I hope that’s okay.” “It’s all cool.” Cain assures her. “So when will they be h-” Abel’s question is cut short by a slamming door and a long squeal. “OhhhHHHHhhhhHHHH my gossssshhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!” a high pitched voice squeals. Cain and Abel look over at a slightly pudgy mare who could be none other than the aforementioned Pinkie. “Ican’tbelieveit’sreally,actually,totallytrue!” he says suddenly and without any pauses between her words. “Dad told me you were here and described you but I know they aren’t any humans in Equestria, that’s just an old mare’s tale, but you are here and you are humans and he wasn’t exaggerating and oh my gosh and wow your skin is dark, but not dark like coffee but not dark like hazel either and your friend is so pale and why’s your hair all messy and why are you clothes wrinkled and…” “PINKIE!” Clyde’s deep voice booms from the doorway as he walks in with two other mares, one light grey and the other mild blue, presumably Inkie and Blinkie, following him. “Please don’t disturb our guests.” “Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie hops in the air and slowly drifts back down. “So anyways…” “Supper’s ready!” Sue calls from the kitchen just in time to spare Cain and Able from any more of Pinkie’s rapid fire questions. “Inkie, Blinkie, Pinkie,” Clyde nods at each of his daughters and then towards his guests, “I’d like you all to meet Cain and Able, they are travelers who will be staying with us for a while.” “…” Inkie silently acknowledges the two men. “Good afternoon.” Blinkie politely greets them. “Ohmygosh!” Pinkie exclaims, “It’s so totally awesomeriffic to actually meet a living, breathing, smelly human!” “Heh,” Cain chuckles at Pinkie’s overwhelming excitement, “it’s nice to meet you all too.” He looks at Inkie, Blinkie, and Pinkie and smiles at each of them. No one but Abel notices how Cain looks at Pinkie just a few seconds longer than he had at her sisters or that his courteous smile turns into an honestly pleased one just for her. Abel considers mentioning it but decides to bring it up at a later, more appropriate, time. Right now there was food waiting for them. Sue ushers her daughters and guests into a small dining room and busies herself with setting out plates of rolls, pitchers of tea, and a large casserole dish containing the delicious smelling main course. “Everypony go ahead and sit down,” Sue sweetly orders as she finishes her work, “we’ll let our guests say grace, if that’s okay I mean.” She winches slightly at the thought of accidentally offending Cain or Abel. “No problem.” Cain says as he pulls an oddly shaped chair out and sits down without thinking. “Dear Loroohh shit!” the beginning of grace swiftly morphs into a pained swear as the chair legs crack and send Cain tumbling to the ground. “I am SO sorry.” He apologizes after hitting the ground. “Are you alright?” Clyde jumps from his seat to help Cain up. “Yeah,” Cain mutters, “I think I’ll just sit on the floor to eat, the table’s low enough down and I’d rather not take any chances with another chair.” He looks at the splintered wood and sighs. “Sorry ’bout that…” “Don’t you worry about a thing,” Sue tells him in a motherly tone, “so long as you’re alright we could care less about a simple chair, besides, it was old and wobbly anyway. Would you still like to say grace?” “Sure thing.” Cain accepts as soon as he finds a comfortable position to sit in which Abel also adopts, “Dear Lord, um, we thank you very much for, uh, letting us live through today and delivering us into the care of such kind people… ponies as these. Also, thanks a load for an actual meal! Amen.” Cain finishes his impromptu prayer. “Amen.’ Abel echoes. “Oh dear…” Sue whispers. “Tsk.” Inkie rolls her eyes. “In Celestia’s name.” Clyde announces solemnly. Blinkie and Sue both copy his words. “Dig in everpony!” Pinkie joyously concludes the prayer. Sue fills plates with casserole, rolls, and steamed veggies and passes them around to all seated at the table. Cain and Abel both follow Pinkie’s advice as soon as their plates arrive and are quickly asking for second helpings. “For two weary travelers,” Sue smiles at their request, “of course.” “So Cain,” Clyde swallows a mouthful of casserole and wipes his muzzle with a napkin, “when you said grace…” “I take it you all believe in a different god than we do,” Cain smiles nervously, “I hope I didn’t offend anyone because of that.” “Don’t worry about it,” Clyde closes his eyes and rubs his left temple slowly, “I just hope that you would respect our beliefs as we will yours.” “I can do that.” Abel blurts out. “Deal.” Cain says and reaches to shake Clyde’s hoof. “Deal.” Clyde says. “Sooooo,” Pinkie suddenly speaks up, “when can I throw you two a party?” “A party?” Abel questions the pink mare. “For what?” Cain asks. “To introduce you to everypony in Ponyville!” Pinkie exclaims. “Duh!” “Oh.” Cain grunts. “How about tomorrow?” Abel suggests. “Tomorrow it is than!” Pinkie says with a large, toothy smile. The meal continues on without much more excitement; Clyde tells Cain and Abel about the rock farm, a type of organic quarry, and Pinkie goes over every possible bit of planning for the party. When all of the plates are cleaned and everyone is stuffed supper is proclaimed to be over. “If you’ll give me just a moment I’ll have the quest room set up for you.” Sue tells Cain and Abel. “That was my old room!” Pinkie reminds everyone as her mother scurries off to put down clean sheets on the bed. “Good night.” Blinkie says to all and heads to her own room. “…” Inkie nods and follows her sister out of the room. “She sure is talkative.” Cain jokes. “She’s not much of a socialite,” Clyde explains, “please pay her rudeness no mind.” The aging stallion rises from his chair and turns to leave the house. “I’ll be on the porch having a smoke.” He says as he leaves. “I’m gonna go find out where the toilet’s at.” Abel says and hurries away leaving Cain and Pinkie alone together. “A real, live human.” Pinkie stares up at Cain making him more than just a little uncomfortable. “I never thought I’d see the day… But I did and you know what?” she asks suddenly. “What?” Cain takes the bait. Pinkie hops onto Cain’s lap and kisses him straight on the lips. “I like them.” Before Cain can even utter a word Pinkie giggles and jumps off of him. “See ya tomorrow!” she singsongs while walking out the door. Cain sits deathly still for a moment before taking a gasp of air and speaking to himself. “Damn…” In an attempt to clear his head Cain vacates the kitchen and joins Clyde on the front porch. “Mind if I sit with you?” Cain asks when Clyde looks over to him. “Go ahead; these chairs are much stronger than the ones in the kitchen.” Clyde invites him and Cain takes the proffered seat. “You wouldn’t happen to have a match on you,” Clyde asks, nodding to his unlit pipe as he speaks, “I forgot mine in the kitchen.” “I got something better,” Cain withdraws a cheap plastic lighter from his pants pocket and lights the pipe for Clyde, “there ya go.” Cain says as Clyde takes a puff and blows a few smoke rings. “You mind if I light up?” “Suit yourself.” Clyde answers with another barrage of misty, floating ovals. “Thanks.” Cain says as he retrieves a crumpled package of cigarillos and lights one. The two fellows, one human and one pony, sit there for a good half hour without even speaking, they just enjoy the night and compete to see who can make better smoke rings. Sue comes outside after a while to inform Cain that his bed is ready and that Abel is already sound asleep. Cain thanks her and raises to leave but a worn, rugged old hoof presses down on his hand and stops him short. “Pinkie and I had a brief conversation before she left.” Clyde states matter-of-factly. “And?” Cain asks. “And she seems to be quite stricken with you.” Clyde tells him. “Strucken,” Cain repeats, “how so?” “Not really sure; I didn’t ask, though I assume it to be as more than just a friend or an interesting pony” Clyde admits, “but whatever happens just remember that Pinkie IS my little girl and I do love her very much.” “I’ll remember that,” Cain promises, “but even if she is interested in me as more than a friend I don’t think I’ll feel the same way. Goodnight.” As Cain walks inside Clyde can’t help but laugh softly to himself. “Not even the same race as I but I can still tell when he’s lying, even if he can’t.”
