A Mad Dash into Insanity

Everything was dark, Rainbow Dash could not see, hear or feel anything, but she knew that she was there, she knew she was somewhere. She tried to walk, but felt no ground below her hooves. She tried to flap her wings, but felt no air moving over them. Slowly, she began hearing voices, they were familiar and they were calling her name. Rainbow tried to make her way in the direction of the voices, and eventually saw a small light and the outline of some ponies.

“Dashiiiiiiie” the voices spoke dreamily, Dash continued toward the voices, she found ground below her hooves, but still couldn’t see anything. She continued until the figures became clear, it was her mom and dad. They both stood facing her and smiling. Her mother spoke: “Hello, my sweet Rainbow Dash! How’s our little champion feeling?”

“I bet you feel great! That was a heck of a show you and the Wonderolts put on!” her father said.

Rainbow tried to speak, and found that she did have her voice

“Um…” she spoke “Wha… where am I?” she asked, her voice seemed to echo.

“Oh sweetie, we are at home! Can’t you see?” her mother asked

“Everyone is here to congratulate you Dash!” her father said

“Yeah Dashie” piped a voice, Twilight Sparkle materialized in between Dash’s parents. “We saw you fly with the Wonderbolts, you were amazing!” Twilight said.

“My hero!” peeped a smaller voice, Scootaloo was standing by Twilight’s hooves. “you were awesome Rainbow Dash!”

“What happened?” Dash asked

“Well, after that wonderful show, we all went home and threw you a party!” her mom said

“We invited everypony, you’re the pony of the hour! They all love you, and so do we!”

“No” Dash said “That can’t be”

“What do you mean?” her mother asked

“I… I crashed” Dash said

“What?” her father said “What are you talking about?”

“My rainboom, my wing… it hurt so much… lost control… I…”

“Now, now sweetie, it’s alright, come lie down and rest, it will make you feel better” her mother said

“My… my wing…” Rainbow said “What’s wrong with my wing? I can’t feel it!” she started to panic

“Come lie down, honey. You will feel better if you rest.” Her mother said

“Your mother’s right Dashie, come lie down” her father said

“No, no NO” Dash kept saying

“Its ok Dashie” Twilight said “We are all here for you”

“I…I…” Rainbow stammered, she was afraid now, the world around her began to spin, the ponies around her began to fade

“It’s ok Dash, it’s all going to be ok” her mother’s voice came from the now fading light

“Everything is going to be just fine………”

*Beep* *beep* *beep*

Rainbow Dash’s eyes opened, the light around her was blinding, all she could hear was a beeping sound. She saw figures moving about around her and muffled voices. She tried to speak, but she had no voice, and she could not move. As her vision cleared, she saw many ponies around her. One rushed to her side, she was wearing all white, and she began sticking various instruments all over her body. Rainbow finally found her voice.

“Wha… where…?” every breath hurt. “where am I?” She finally managed.

“You’re in the hospital” said a voice, it was the pony with the instruments and white outfit. “Ponyville General”

“Guys, she’s awake!” said another voice, whom Rainbow Dash recognized as Pinkie Pie.

One by one, her friends gathered around her.

Rainbow smiled “Hey guys” she said.

“Oh sweet Dashie darling, thank goodness you’re awake!” Rarity said, using her magic to wipe her eyes.

“What the hay happened?” Rainbow asked, she managed a bit louder this time.

The ponies looked at each other, and then Twilight spoke:

“Dash, you were in a coma for two weeks” Twilight said in a solemn voice “At the Wonderbolts facility, you… you crashed, it looked like you were falling from the sky, you managed to regain some form of control, but you hit the ground hard, and hit your head on the wall of the building. We… we thought you died…” Twilight’s voice broke on the last word and tears formed in her eyes.

Slowly, Rainbow Dash’s memory returned, the perfect flight with the Wonderbolts, her perfect, record breaking dive, the pain in her wing, the loss of control, the collision, and the last thing she remembered was hitting her head, then nothing. Dash looked at herself. Her entire body was covered by what looked like a cast, her right leg was elevated, and her head was heavily bandaged. She couldn’t see her wings behind her, but her right one felt bandaged, however her left felt numb.

Spitfire came in “Morning, Crash” she said, looking exhausted “So, full body wing-and-hoof cast eh?”

“How bad was it?” Dash croaked

“Pretty bad” the pony in white spoke, Dash could now see it was Nurse Redheart. “You’re lucky to be alive, you broke all four legs, several broken ribs, fractured wing, and severe head trauma, with a bad concussion. There was some internal bleeding in your intestinal area that we were lucky to get under control in time. Miraculously, there is no damage to your spine, so you will walk again. But your wing…” Nurse Redheart trailed off

“What?” Dash asked

“well,” the nurse hesitated “there was nothing we could do…”

“What do you mean?” Dash asked in disbelief

“I’m so sorry, a doctor was brought in from Manehattan, but even he couldn’t save your left wing. There was just too much damage”

Rainbow Dash couldn’t believe her ears “What do you mean too much damage?” she demanded, she tried to wiggle her wings, her right one throbbed in a dull pain in its bandages, but the left felt numb, all the way down to the root, as if nothing was even there. “What the fuck is wrong with my wing?!” she screamed

“We…” now even Nurse Redheart began to tear up “We had to amputate it. There was no other way, the doctor had no choice.”

Rainbow Dash began hyperventilating “No…” she croaked “No, that can’t… I’ll never get to… fly again?” she looked at her friends for reassurance, but they all started back at her, all on the verge of tears themselves.

“No!” Dash said again “NO!” she was lightheaded, the room was spinning around her, she couldn’t breath. “NOOOOO!” she managed to scream she tried to move but couldn’t, her cast prison prevented any movement. Every move drove pain into her body, but still she tried to get free. She wanted to run, she wanted to fly, she wanted to fly far away from here. She began sobbing, and let out a sound that sounded more like an animal roar.

“I’m so sorry sugar cube” Applejack gently rested her hoof on Dash’s “We truly feel your pain, every bit of it. But y’all gotta stay strong now, hear?”

“I’m terribly sorry, it’s such a tragedy” Nurse Redheart said

After what felt like hours to Rainbow, she finally got her sobs under control.

“So, now what?” She croaked, barely audible.

“Well” said Nurse Redheart “you hit your head very hard, the doctor suspects brain damage, but we will need to run some tests in a few weeks, you need time to recover first.”

“A few weeks? But what about…” her voice trailed off, she had already forgotten she will never fly again, and she had to fight back some more sobs.

“I… I think I will go, give you guys some time. I will return in a little bit to change her IV fluid, and then you ponies need to clear out, she needs to rest.” And Nurse Redheart left.

Nopony spoke; Dash just stared at the neon light fixture on the ceiling.

“Guess that means I’m no longer in line to lead, eh coach?” Dash said in a low, laboured voice.

Spitfire came up beside her and wiped her eyes on a handkerchief in her pocket.

“I… I don’t even know what to say” she paused for a long while. “You’re… you’re one hell of a Wonderbolt, Dash.” She then lost her voice, tears flowed down her face, she squeezed her eyes shut “S-sorry” she said almost inaudible to keep her sobs back, and she quickly turned and left the room.

It was quiet again for a while. It felt like hours, finally Fluttershy broke the silence.

“Oh Dashie, I’m so sorry”

“Don’t” Dash replied “Don’t say it. Makes me feel worse.”

“My life is over” Rainbow said

“No, don’t say that Rainbow” Twilight said

“Why? It’s true” Rainbow said, still staring at the light on the ceiling. “What good am I without my wings?”

“We will find a solution Dash, together, right girls?” Fluttershy said.

“There is no solution” Rainbow said hopelessly

“What about prosthetics?” Pinkie Pie asked

“Its next to impossible to replicate pegasus wings, the feather texture has to be right, and everything needs to be brought together perfectly.” Dash said “even if some how it was magically done, it would be years before I could even get close to where I am…” her voice broke off “…where I was…”

“Spike and I will check our books in the Royal Library back in Canterlot, I’m sure there is something in there, it’s the richest library in all of Equestria” Twilight suggested

“Don’t bother, Twilight” Dash said sadly “There’s nothing in those books. Face it guys, I’m done. What’s the point of even continuing now?”

“Now listen here Rainbow” Applejack said in her motherly tone “It may not look it, but y’all ain’t in such a bad place. You will walk outta here, you heard what the nurse said, you will be able to live a normal life again. I’m very sorry you can’t fly, we all are. But as your friends, we will always be here for you and support you in any way we can.” She took off her hat and held it to her chest “And we will try our darndest to find a solution to your wing problem, maybe there is a way to getcha flyin again, we just gotta find it.”

“Yes, I agree with Applejack” Rarity said “Don’t worry darling, we will get you flying again I just know it! Why even I flew once on a pair of the most fabulous wings”

“Oh ya, I remember, and then you flew too high and they melted and you fell out of the sky and Rainbow Dash had to save you.” Pinkie Pie piped up cheerfully “Its funny to think back now”

Rarity blushed “Yes, maybe magical wings aren’t the best idea. Nonetheless, we won’t give up until we find a solution.”

“You just rest up Dash, we will help you get back up.” Fluttershy said with a smile.

“Thanks guys” Dash sighed, but she was not feeling optimistic.

Nurse Redheart returned “Ok everypony, time to go, she needs to rest.”

“We will be back tomorrow Dash” Twilight said

“We love you, Dashie!” Pinkie Pie squeaked.

And they made to leave.

“Wait!” Rainbow called. “Did I…” She paused and took a deep breath “Did I break my record?” She asked

Her friends smiled “You did” Twilight said “Spitfire assured us all, you did it Dashie, you made history!”

“Ok, please, its time to go” Nurse Redheart told the ponies.

“Huh” Dash said to herself “I did it. I did it, Firestorm, I did the impossible” she felt good for a second, but her dread returned. She was all of a sudden very tired, and after Nurse Redheart changed her IV drip, she quickly fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

The weeks seemed to drag by as Rainbow Dash recovered in the Ponyville Hospital. Everyday she got visits from her best friends, and members of the Wonderbolts, even her parents came to Ponyville to see her for a few days. Dash’s spirits were barely moved, she felt awful. She had powerful, vivid dreams of flying in the hospital, only to awaken in a fit of sobs. She had no idea what she would do when she left the hospital. On top of it all, her body ached all over, especially her head, which throbbed frequently; she had vomited quite a bit, and it was difficult to eat in the cast and with her insides being practically cut open to stop her internal bleeding and ultimately save her life. She almost wished they hadn’t done anything, that they just left her to die. She was nothing without both her wings, she was nothing without the ability to fly.

One day, several weeks after her waking up from her coma, she was taken for a CT scan of her brain. A few days later, a doctor came into her room with the results. Dash’s friends were all there with her.

“Well, we have done an extensive scan, we looked deep inside your head. What we found was concerning.”

“Great” Rainbow Dash thought “More bad news”

“There is some damage to your Frontal Lobe and Cerebellum” the doctor went on “The parts of your brain that control concentration and judgement making processes, and coordination and precession processes respectively”

“English doc. My understandibelum cortex something something is not registering this.” Dash rebutted irritably.

“The Frontal Lobe is your short term memory, as well as your concentration, judgement, and decision making, and behavioural regulation. The Cerebellum controls your coordination, balance, precession and some feelings. Now the damage you received is moderate, but I have seen much worse. You can expect some difficulty with hand-eye coordination, concentration, and decision making abilities. Also behaviour may be affected. Given the abnormal shape of your Frontal Lobe, I suspect you will have the greatest challenge with emotional and behavioural regulation in your life going forward.”

Rainbow Dash was dumbstruck, she lost her wing and her head was permanently damaged. She felt dizzy, she wanted to pass out, before she could help herself, she vomited right in front of her, luckily her covers took most of it.

“Ugh. Fuck me” Dash groaned.

“Let me get that” Twilight said. She used her magic to clear Rainbow’s soiled cover and get her a new one from the cupboard outside the room.

“Thanks Twilight” she mumbled.

“Yes, ahem, your Frontal Lobe has a slightly irregular shape to it, and combined with your traumatic brain injury, there are risks of conditions developing later on; most notably, difficulty with balance, coordination, judgement and decision making. Later on, you may or may not experience behavioural and emotional difficulty. Conditions like aggression, paranoia, psychosis and even schizophrenia have been seen in some cases.”

Dash felt like her other wing was just taken in some sick prank. “Hmm” She said “So, not only will I never fly again, but now I’ll become a dizzy, bumbling, paranoid, schizoid, psycho too?”

The doctor looked uneasily at Dash, then her friends, then back to Dash. “Only time will tell Miss Dash. You may experience all of these, or you may experience none of them, I can’t say for sure, the brain is extremely complex, it is impossible to know for sure”

“What do you mean you don’t know? Aren’t you brain doctors like the highest paid ponies in all of Equestria?!” Rainbow snapped at the doctor.

“Dashie!” Rarity scolded

“No no, you shut up!” Dash snapped back at her.

Rarity was completely taken aback, she blushed a deep shade of red.

“So what doc? Am I gonna be on some sick drug? Or will I be sent to the nut house? Tell me doctor, am I a danger to others and to myself?”

“That’s enough Dash!” Applejack said sternly

“No, it’s quite alright.” The doctor said “This is an extremely overwhelming situation for a pony, I completely understand. We will be in touch when that cast comes off Miss Dash.” The doctor said as he got up to leave “take it easy, good day” And he left out the door.

Dash couldn’t speak, she couldn’t even cry anymore, she just lay in her bed, immobilized by her body cast prison. Was she already crazy?

“You ok Rains?” Pinkie Pie asked

“I’m sorry Rarity” Dash said

“Nonsense, it’s alright” Rarity said adjusting herself. “Like the doctor said, it’s an extremely overwhelming experience; I would have done the same thing.”

“We’ll let ya get your rest sugar cube” Applejack said and they got up to leave. Dash didn’t want them to go, but she couldn’t speak. She just lay in her bed, unable to even blink.

Eventually, it was time for Rainbow’s cast to be removed. It was nice to feel the air in her coat again, but she was incredibly stiff. Her head and chest had some very ugly scars from where her internal bleeding was treated. But what bothered her the most was the scarred stump left behind where her left wing used to be. It looked hideous; Dash couldn't bear to look at it any longer.

She was taken for various X-rays and then back in her room, she was consulted by a physical therapist, a young pegasus mare named Priscilla Stars. Priscilla tried to motivate Rainbow by explaining how much fun it would be to get moving again, but Dash wanted none of it. She just wanted to be released from this depressing hospital and go home. She was kept one more night to ensure her stability, and was discharged with her parents escorting her home. She was carried up to her home in a special stretcher that her parents carried as they flew her up. It didn’t help Dash feel better, quite the opposite. She couldn’t even properly go home.

She wanted to be alone. Cloudsdale was too depressing for her to even think about, yet her home being a cloud ensured her friends wouldn’t show up too often either. Dash began actively trying to isolate herself from society. She read no books, watched no TV, she didn’t even answer the door for her friends. Sometimes they would just come in anyway, but then Dash wouldn’t talk to them, hoping they would just leave. Pricilla Stars came three times a week for Rainbow’s physical therapy sessions, and though slowly, she was improving.

“Excellent work!” Priscilla would chime “You’ll be back to normal in no time!”

“Normal?” Dash would think to herself “I’ll never be normal, I’ll never be myself again”

At night, her dreams were wild and vivid; she would awake in sweat or in tears frequently. Her days were spent alone in the dark, she barely ate, she just lay in bed, but found sleep difficult. Her very existence was pain. She couldn’t bring her awake mind to even wander towards the Wonderbolts. She didn’t think she could ever visit that place again. It was hard enough to see it in her dreams.

As the weeks turned into months, Rainbow Dash continued to spiral into depression. Her appointments with Priscilla were over, and she was considered rehabilitated by her, but she felt anything but. She spoke less to her friends, who’s concern grew. She grew more irritable, she snapped at Starlight, sent Scootaloo away, and drove Silverstream to tears. Dash felt remorse for these actions, but she didn’t know how to fix them. She wanted to talk to Spitfire, Dash had not seen her since she left the hospital in tears, she wanted to tell her that she would be back to training soon, but at the same time she knew that was not happening.

In a last ditch attempt to cheer up their friend, Twilight and the girls brought Dash a wing prosthetic. Dash tried it on, but it flew off the second she tried to really flap her wings, she knew that the best they could do was decoration. The doctor at the hospital even said a flightworthy prosthetic was very unlikely, and even if it were to work, her brain damage prevented her from ever flying safely again, let alone ever being a Wonderbolt again.

Rainbow felt hopeless, she had had enough, she wanted her suffering to be over and done with. She began to think.

“I could jump off this cloud” she thought to herself “Nah, I run the risk of another hospital episode, no thank you.” Then she remembered she had some rope somewhere “That will work” she thought.

Dash found her rope. After much clumsiness, she made a strong knot and a loop. She fixed it to her ceiling fan, and put the loop over her head and climbed to the top of her four-poster bed. She closed her eyes and imagined her life on the other side, where she could fly again. “Volo, Nunc et Semper” she muttered to herself, a single tear slid down her cheek “Goodbye” she whispered, and stepped off the four-poster.