A month passes and things have gotten worse. My previous social status within Ponyville somewhere along the lines of neutral residential alien now turned to dangerous villain the elements keep in check. After my whole incident with that pathetic excuse of a pony, most of the town folk seem avoid me, a rumor of me being some hexing creature that preys on the weak keeps me from fitting in. Not all ponies believe everything they hear and some even treat me normal but that’s the minority. Thankfully, ponies ignorant enough to believe I could curse them have generally left me alone, likely in fear of the rumors. I try to ignore it all and continue with my life with a motto, live the way you want because no matter what you do, they’ll judge you anyway. A little cynical but it helps keep me going.

With the girls, my relationship with most of them has become more comfortable for both sides, some of our likes and dislikes more well known as I become more accustomed to their norms and Equestria. I even helped out Aj at her farm a few times, the work a nice getaway and workout for myself along with bonding time with the cowgirl. I feel like I have a better sense of how these ponies feel as well making the way they act more expected. Ponies usually act very compassionate, dedicated, and are easily startled. They’re like Santa’s elves when it comes to their special talents, working away at what they do best, elves that deeply enjoy affection, fearing every little thing they don’t understand. It’s adorable in its own special way.

Besides my social status, my relationships, and my home being more furnished now, nothing has really changed. Scratch that, my mental health has certainly taken a dive.

With each day of disgusted looks, whispers, and my Magic’s draining effect, I’m starting to feel more of an outcast. Things have actually gotten to a point where I struggle to remove myself from my own home. My shopping trips have become less frequent along with my days over to any of the girls places. With energy lower than normal, simple tasks liking getting up in the morning have become daunting. Still as things progressively get worse, I fight some days to make sure I get something done, as an uneventful day adds to my self hate.

Although today is different than normal, I promised myself to leave the house and get some shopping done. My fridge, which still makes no sense how they invented without knowing how to make a lightbulb yet is rather empty and even though my appetite has been lighter lately, it’s still better to have something stocked up for guests.

I lace up my shoes and open the door to my home to spot the grey mail mare flying away. Her names Derpy Hooves which wasn’t that hard to remember as her eyes both suffer from ‘lazy eye’ going off in random directions whenever she seems rattled. It’s sort of cute and I hope the poor mare doesn’t get any flack for it cause she seems like a nice mare, always greeting me with a smile if she sees me. I sort through my mail box throwing away certain hate letters sent anonymously to me, it’s become routine at this point. The first were a surprise, and an unwelcome one at that, I regretfully read them and never will again. After shifting through the rest, I quickly toss my mail inside on the table and head back out toward the Ponyville market.

The last few days have been rather cold, winter slowly seeps its way over the valley. The foliage taking its final changes before falling with the life stealing wind buffering against my sweater. Most of the trees still carry some color however it would be unsurprising for this not to be the case within even a weeks time. Ponies although protected by their coats, still bundle up during this time of year, wearing assortments of scarfs and winter hats to wrap over their sensitive ears. It makes it difficult to read some ponies emotions as those pointy sonars above their heads were a helpful tell.

Along with fall there was a holiday that passed as well, the running of the leaves which I of course did not participate in, yet still cheered for the rivalry of Dash and Applejack, this years result a draw. It surprised me how much Dash depends on her wings for speed seeing how Aj easily kept up in a foot race (hoof race?). After these events the town has really settled down, hunkering in for the winter.

Personally I enjoy winter, the light fall of snowflakes as my feet crunch under the snow on a still night, nothing tops the silence the defining snow brings. The ponies here do celebrate something similar to the winter holiday of Christmas however they refer to it as ‘Hearths Warming’, the purpose being a remembrance of the formed bond each pony race made during a tough winter. It still carries most of the same traditions just without the religious connection but, before this holiday there is another, Nightmare night.

If you were to take this holiday and replace it with Halloween, nothing would change beside the weird lore of a ponies banishment in the back of everyone’s mind. Truthfully, I think the version here is kind of fucked up seeing how it’s based on a current living pony’s corrupted past, something I’m sure if it were about me I’d be upset. Luna told me of the holiday however, and said that she loves it, seeing it as a day for ponies to have fun in honor of her rebirth from Nightmare Moon. She started to get really giddy while talking about scaring everypony this year, I found it disturbing how much she looked forward to scaring ponies for a whole day. I digress.

Continuing my walk through Ponyville, I try to ignore most of the stares, the attention becoming sadly normal to me. Even the collar I wear at times disappears from my mind almost like wearing a pair of glasses in the way they fade out from your vision. By the time I reach the marketplace, word of my arrival had gone through as most vendors shut shop prematurely as I walk by. Thankfully I still have a friend in the market who happens to own a grocery, their opinion on others not swayed by gossiping tales.

“Joeeeyyy my pal, nice to see ya! Your looking a little scraggly though, I could maybe hook you up with my barber?” A large greased up pony yells to me from behind the counter as I walk in. His coat white with a black slicked back mane and a mustache goatee combo. He reminds me of a big Italian guy you’d see in the movies running a pizza shop, something like the guys from ‘Do the right thing’. Sadly both his name and appearance don’t do his character justice, that being Shifty Deals.

“I’ll be fine D, I have a razor at home just not feeling up to shaving off what’s left protecting my face in this cold, It’s like a scarf to me. Thanks for the offer though” I show my appreciation with a smile and head into the store to check off this shopping list.

Finishing my chore, I check out and wave one of my few pals bye before heading back into the street. I’m met by a large gust of wind blowing into my face, I shudder from the cold.

This sucks ass, I can’t wait to get back and rest by the fire

Before I go home, I remember asking Twilight about having the report on the one pony that shared my issue, her previous mentioning of it gaining my curiosity. Heading over to check if she has it yet, I quickly run inside to meet Twilight at her check in desk. We talk for a moment before she hands me a journal.

“This is a replica of the original text, it’s condition is too fragile for me to take from Celestias private library. The original text was from over 1000 years ago Joey, 1000! That makes it around the time of Luna’s banishment!” She exclaims, geeking out as well in the process.

“Damn, so my condition is really that old? Doesn’t really breed hope into solving this shit”

She settles down, “We’ll figure something out don’t you worry however, there’s a few interesting things in there I never mentioned to you seeing how I didn’t have excess to it before but, now after reading it I suggest you study it up as well. We need all the brains we can get to work on this together!”

I nod giving Twi a hoof bump and exchange goodbyes. I can’t help wonder what the history behind my magic is, and maybe... just maybe the answer to curing me is right here. I look at the journal in my hand, it’s cover a brown leather protecting the pages within, no text residing on the outside. I place it into my backpack that rests on my shoulder, continuing on through the cold.

I hurry my way back home without issue besides the Rainbow colored pony waiting at my door, peeking inside my window. While she doesn’t look mischievous I still have the urge to spook her.

“HEY!” I shout to scare her.

Jumping up into the air, her hair straightens out as she is caught snooping. She turns to see her big human friend making his way down the hill toward her, bag of groceries in hand and fat grin on his face.

She crosses her hoofs together standing on two feet, “That was fucked up! I just wanted to see if you were home” Her use of the word fuck gets a laugh out of me, it still feels so wrong to hear.

“I am now so let’s get inside out of this shit” Pointing my thumb behind myself to empathize the ‘shit’ as I walk past her unlocking the door.

We both walk in, Dash taking my bag to the kitchen helping take care of my groceries while I take off my new boots Rarity made, purchased for with my own bits. It took some convincing, I had to explain how I felt terrible not being able to pay her back especially seeing how I get paid for practically existing at this point. She caved in eventually letting me make my first purchase at her Boutique. It was a small win.

After placing my boots to the side, I walk over to the kitchen helping Dash with putting away the last of my food. “Thanks for helping, I didn’t even have to ask and you helped” She snorts at my sarcastic surprise.

“Yea okay big guy” Rolling her eyes as she talks. We finish up and move to my living room both resting by the fire. “No pony is messing with you anymore right? Cause I’ll set them straight”

I chuckle at her fiery spirit, “Nah they just ignore me now, it’s less stressful than before though”

“Yea their probably afraid of what Rainbow Dash could do if they mess with any of her friends!” She jokingly flexes her small muscle.

“Heh, no I think they’re scared of me. The rumor going around is that I’m some hexing wizard that can curse you with even a stare” I move my fingers menacingly outward. “Oooo I curse you with a dire need of mare love” My voice simulating a cartoonish ghost impression as I wave my hand over Dash. She bats my hand away laughing.

“Ha only if they knew what a big softy you are! Your more dangerous to yourself than somepony else” She jokes but as she says this I can see her regret.

I avoid making a reaction but her true words cut deep, deeper than she realizes. I’d hate for her to act differently around me just because of my issues so I try to seem unfazed. “The most dangerous thing being this fucking collar, who knows when I could get this thing stuck and choke myself”

“So just take it off, I mean it’s just the two of us right now”

I pause, the collar still hasn’t been removed since the first day I put it on, it’s placement around my neck more tight than I wore before as it rubbed at my neck as it swung around. It wasn’t embarrassing to me anymore beside when a new pony saw me wearing it and it wasn’t uncomfortable either. The issue was I felt obligated to wear it since that stallions passing.

“It’s fine Dash, it doesn’t really bother me anymore”

She stared at me confused, “Yea but I would take that thing off whenever I could if I were you”

“Well your not me so”

“Joey just take it off, stop being ridiculous”

“Why are you so interested in me taking it off?” I start to get riled up.

“Because it’s awkward you keeping it on all the time! I mean if I wore a collar even when we were alone wouldn’t you think I have some sort of kink or something?!”

I stop and scratch my head, she has a point. “I can’t say why but it needs to stay on, and it’s not a kink”

“I’m your friend Joe, just tell me why it’s so important it stays on and I’ll respect your decision” Her gaze is determined and truthful.

“Alright but I’m going to need a drink, you want some?”

“Of course, I’m cold as shit still”

I smile at what she has to say and gather us both something to drink. I’m not a wine person at all so whenever I need something to drink just know it’ll never be wine. Dash shares my taste as well, and beside Aj every other pony I know loves wine, their fridges only having the foul liquid as an option. I hand her a glass and dig through my bag pulling out the journal, setting it next to my seat for later.

“Thanks” Dash says while taking her drink. “Now why can’t you take it off? Does it have something to do with your magic?”

I shake my head no, “Not really, more like something my magic did” Dash drinks from her glass waiting for me to continue. I let the ice cubes swirl around as I build up the courage to say my next line. “You know that pony, the one we met that sold ice cream”

“The prance guy? Yea I heard he... killed himself” Her voice low as if she were trying to avoid somepony from hearing.

“I think when I bumped his magic that I.... that I’m the reason he did... that” I look into the fireplace unable to face Dash, I don’t want to see the disgust on her face. My nightmare from before appearing in my mind, her face horrified to know me as a murderer. Instead I try to focus on the crackling fire, flames ravaging away at the timber reducing its form to charcoal. It’s almost symbolic to me, my own magic as the flames, eating away at the life that remains in the timber before reducing it to nothing, mere ash.

Dash speaks up after some silence pulling me from my fog, “I don’t think it was you Joey, I mean you said yourself that it hurts ponies overtime. We only talked to that pony for a minute at most”

“Maybe we don’t understand what I have yet, maybe it can stick to ponies. Twilight gave me a book on the last victim of my problem, I was hoping to find some answers there”

“So, why keep wearing the collar though? There’s no pony you can hurt here”

I answer ashamed, “The least I could do to pay that pony back is to never take it off again”

Dash looks to me angrily, “You didn’t have anything to do with that! You don’t owe anypony”

“You said you’d respect my decision”

“That wasn’t your decision! That was some other pony who doesn’t know what they’re talking about!” She stands up now moving toward me. “Why are you so hard on yourself, taking all the blame even when there is none to take!”

“Why can’t you tell the truth and tell me I fucked up! You and I both know it was my fault, first suicide in over 8 years? That’s no coincidence!”

“Fine, if you can’t stop blaming yourself, I will beat the Joey that hates you out!” She punches my arm as hard as she can.

I grab at my arm squeezing it tight, the pain burning more than it should. “Agh fuck” I lean over straddling my arm, a warm wetness leaks down my sleeve. I look to see a red blotch forming around where she punched me, blood staining my orange long sleeve shirt. Dash looks to my arm horrified from hurting me.

“H-how it was just a punch?” She looks afraid to move forward. “Im s-sorry, p-pull your sleeve up, let me see it” She goes to move my sleeve up before I pull away.

“NO NO it’s fine just had a little cut there from earlier, must’ve opened back up” I shout in a panicked voice.

My outburst surprises Dash, her head recoiling back at my suddenness. “Well can I see it I mean it’s bleeding really bad we should wrap it up”

“Don’t worry I’ll go wrap it u-“ I’m interrupted by Dash knocking me over trying to pull at my sleeve. She wrestles against me before biting my shirt and ripping it off entirely. Her eyes become pinpricks.

My bleeding arm is bandaged already with large gauze around my shoulder however down my arm there are scars of previous cuts, their wounds not entirely healed over, still red in most cases. My other arm remains mostly untouched but carried a few scars of its own around my wrist. I’ve been cutting myself. Dash falls back off of me as I clutch my bleeding arm, she looks to my face for an answer I cannot give. Hurrying over she rushes to get some fresh bandages from my cabinet, her knowledge of their location coming from her own history of crashes while practicing her stunts with me. Bringing me fresh gauze, I pull away at my dirty bandage, the wound freshly bleeding sticks to the bandage as it pulls away.

“Fuck me” I whisper while Dash grabs a spray bottle of disinfectant.

“I’m sorry... this is going to hurt” I take off my collar without thinking and bite at it in preparation. She sprays at my cut, it’s sharp burn instant.

I growl biting down hard into the collar, it’s material keeping the shape of my bite from the force. The pain continues to burn away, I squeeze my leg painfully with my other arm as Dash starts to wrap my wound. “Joey, I’m sorry I didn’t know” She looks downtrodden, disappointed in herself.

Embarrassed, I struggle to talk, my throat feeling dry. Dash fills the silence for me. “If I was a better friend I would’ve know the pain your in, I could’ve prevented this...” Tears begin to brim in her eyes. I’ve never seen her cry before or even become close to, I feel like shit for the pain I caused.

She finishes my bandage and rests her head into my bare back, as she sits behind me. I face the fireplace ashamed, my worst secret now revealed and it hurt my friend, my best friend. I can feel the wetness of Dash’s tears as she lightly sobs into my back, hugging my waist with her hooves. I don’t know what to say, words not reaching my lips as I sit there quietly, the room still with a few crackles of the fireplace and Dash’s sobs.

You sure fucked up, it’ll be tough now knowing they will always worry about your safety once word gets out what you did. They can’t even trust you to be alone! We’re better off dying in some ditch then hurting these ponies.

I mentally torture myself, treating the real me as if it was someone else I could blame, that I was better than that, better than him. This is far from reality though, and my chances of not being a burden are now slim to none. I can’t let Dash tell anypony, especially Twilight, she’s the one I’ve hurt too much already, if she hears about this she’ll blame herself and I can’t let her suffer anymore for me.

“D-dash?” I say almost whispering. Her crying dies down as she lays against me, still making small noises of discomfort as if just breathing hurt.

I have never heard or seen Dash this broken before and I don’t want to ever again, her sounds of pain eat away at my insides. The element of loyalty is what she prides herself on and this seemed to put that into question for herself. Clearly she isn’t at fault here however, knowing how stubborn she is I doubt I could convince her otherwise.

“You can’t tell anypony about this”

“What?! Are you insane!” She pulls me around to face her, tears still running down her face. “Your cutting yourself and who knows what else you’ve done! How could you ask me to keep this a secret! I can’t do that Joey, I mean I have a job and my own place, I can’t keep an eye on you all the time as well!” She furious at my plea, disgusted that I could even dare ask her to do such a thing.

“Please just hear me out” I desperately reach for her hoof to calm her down. She pulls away stomping, her face matted with tears and her trembling lips unable to hold back a frown.

“No I can’t, that’s too much for you to ask. Me and the girls are here for you Joey and we have been since the beginning. You still went and did something stupid like this and then you have the guts to ask me to keep this a secret! I know this is partially my fault as well, if I was a better friend I would have noticed your suffering sooner but, I will not lie for you”

“This wasn’t your fault at all, if I wasn’t trying to fix everything myself we wouldn’t be arguing right now but I fucked up Dash and I can’t take it back. The other girls didn’t fuck up either but they sure will blame themselves if they hear about this, just like how you feel and I can’t do that to them, please Dash” My face shows how tired I am, tired of keeping secrets and tired of suffering. The weariness of battle starting to take me.

“But you can do it to me?” Her pained voice cracking more than usual, it’s general tone raspy.

“I didn’t plan on anypony figuring it out alright, it just... I can stop, I’ll be better” My desperate tone doesn’t help my case at all, along with the fractured trust we now have.

She looks to me with sad eyes, “Look at you..” Her hoof hovers across my scarred arms and pale complexion, my hair messy, unkept. “Your a mess, you need help”

“I’m not going to therapy so some pony can tell me I’m creating my own problems and waste my time. I’ll figure it out on my own” We both stand there indifferent of one another’s ideas.

Dash sits there thinking for a moment, then paces around the room before coming back to face me. “Pinkie, you have to tell Pinkie as well”

“What why? She’ll say the same thing you did!”

Dash looks away ashamed of helping me with my scheme, “Not if it’s a promise...” she proceeds to head toward the door. “I’ll tell her to come over after her work but you have to tell her the truth... agh this is so STUPID STUPID STUPID!” She stomps angrily into the floor.

“Rainbow... I’m sorry, I really a-“

“Please.... please stop” She holds up her hoof. “Another time, just don’t do anything stupid before Pinkie gets here okay? You owe me this at least” Her voice is sad, heartbroken at each lie I had told over the previous weeks, my persistence that I’m okay and that nothing is wrong. Topping it off, she came over today it seems to hangout with me yet I go and hurt her enough to make her leave, who the fuck am I?

I can’t blame her for leaving me alone after this, my plea conflicted with her staying until somepony else could watch me. If she did something like that, the girls surely would know something is up and I’m grateful for her doing this favor even after what I have done. Maybe her leaving me right now is a bad idea but how would she know any better, self harm and suicide is taboo here, very rare and unknown. All I know is that I can’t stay still here or my own head will tempt me so I look around for a distraction. The journal from earlier sat there on the couch. I go and change my shirt, storing the bloodied one into my hamper for later, it’ll be tough to explain the blood to Rarity without giving up the truth.

I open the journal reading the first page’s description. ‘Various contaminates and other magical dangers’ published in 997. Holy shit that’s old, Earth and Equestria on the same time line makes this book 1023 years old, a period before Lunas banishment. I read through the index looking for instances that relate to contagious magic, my quest short lived as a small section covers one accident that had taken place around 967. I read through, stunned to see the resemblance of my problem.

A pony named Quantum Matter was stricken with illness following his experiments with Equine magic, looking for ways to share his own abilities with non unicorns. Without any pony willing to experiment on, he was forced to use himself as a test subject, reflecting his own spell into a crystal after briefly changing himself into an Earth pony. In a way his experiment did work, his magic was unbound however, he was unable to change himself back as well as his magic becoming uncontrollable, constantly pouring from his own body. Over time as he suffered from symptoms of magic fatigue, his conditioned worsened, as the publisher wrote, ‘he was stricken by an illness unfamiliar to pony kind, one of debilitating sadness and sorrow’.

The book goes on describing his symptoms, they match most of the common ones seen today with depression. The thing that surprises me the most is that the publisher states that his illness was never seen before and after that, was commonly sprouted up in random ponies over time. A recent study (to the time) showed his magic chemically changed DNA of most ponies creating viable subjects for possible sickness. The disease was without a proper name seeing how uncommon it was still had a term to be referred by, the ponies of the time called it, ‘The sorrow sickness’. I flip through the book to see more on what had become of the disease to find a small section written out. It stats that, ‘up to 85% of ponies living currently could be carrying the DNA from this illness’.

I sit back, unable to process this. A illness that is structurally ingrained into ponies? The book publisher stats that it was 85% in 997 so that would make today’s percentage small by now seeing how it’s been 1000+ years. Its surprising to even think that some living ponies could still be carrying it however this doesn’t seem to be enough proof to let me off the hook. The odds of such an illness being within our victim are low, low enough to assume it’s more likely I’ve caused this. Hell even if he did have the DNA, it was me who set it off like a cancer in his brain. I store the journal away into the desk in my room, locking the drawer with a key.

Sitting in my desk chair, I lean back letting my mind wander. It’s not long before I realize my original sickness is somewhat faded, a dull urge pulls at me rather than the normal intensity. Confused I reach to my neck to feel nothing, panicking I run into the living room scanning for my collar to find it laying there near the first aid kit. I grab it inspecting it’s condition, my bite mark still visible but not as much as before. I hold it for a moment thinking of how wonderful it feels without, the feeling of cold air against my neck feels free. The added benefit of my usually sickness seems to be faddish as well, life flowing into me as my own magic pours out, it’s almost euphoric. Guilt steals this moment for me, I shouldn’t take it off, I owe that pony my suffering, it’s the least I could do now.

Placing the collar back around my neck I get up from where I sat, cleaning the mess from earlier and resting back onto the couch, my only hope for escaping this reality sleep, a momentary bliss as Luna protects my dreams now with a magical ward. The last time we met was within another of my nightmares however, Luna had made a plan for the common occurrence. Placing a magical ward over my collar on top of its current magic resisting capability in order for me to find peace sleeping at times she wasn’t protecting the dreamscape. It was a very kind gesture and I planned on making it up to her but, seeing how she was a pony of 1000+ years, it would make it difficult to reward her. Perhaps just spending time with her would be enough seeing how she referred to me as one of her few friends outside the castle. After brainstorming an idea, I take a smaller dosage than usual of medication in order to take a nap, Pinkies arrival being sooner rather than later I would like to avoid sleeping for the medications suggested 9 hour dosage.

Rather than work the way I intend, it makes me sleepy but not enough to sedate me. I lay in a somewhat coma like form, unable to really think but unable to sleep as well. It’s truly unnerving as I’m able to move around without thought like my body is on autopilot. I close my eyes trying to wait it off, my strategy working better than intended as I eventually succumb to exhaustion.

I wake up to knocking at my door, I rub my eyes wondering who it could be. Glancing at my clock as I walk to see it’s sometime after 9, awfully late for a visitor. My brain fog starts to clear a little remembering Dash’s condition to my plan, my hands start to sweat as I open the door. It’s the pinkster all right.

Pinkie stands there looking tired and messy after a days work in Sugar Cube Corner but, still carrying a large smile with her as she stands at my doorstep. Along with her she wears a purple scarf, it’s embroidered with Twilights mark, likely a present from a past birthday or something. “Pinkie! Now what do I owe the pleasure?” I try to come off surprised.

“Dashy said to come over after my shift! That it was super duper very important and I should go as quickly as I could!” She’s excited for the wrong reasons, unaware of the purpose of Dash’s strange request.

“Oh yeah... come on in” I stand to the side holding the door. Pinkie bounces inside excitedly, heading over to my couch.

“Woweee, it smells really metaly in here? Do you weld part time, or do you have a present for me that’s metal? THATS why you invited me over right!?” I completely forgot about ponies being animals, their sense of smell much stronger than my own, I should’ve lit a scented candle or something.

I shake my head no, lighting a lavender candle gifted from Twilight. “Sorry Pinkie, I’ll explain in a bit just get comfortable. Can I get you something to drink?”

“Do you have hot chocolate? I’ve been craving it today with all this cold” I nod heading to the kitchen as she lays back taking off her scarf and placing it into her bag, she carries that big ass thing everywhere. It’s a normal saddlebag but it’s capacity is clearly reached, I’m getting off topic.

I fetch us both a mug, giving one to Pinkie as I sit down right aside her. “So how was the corner?”

She laughs, “I wouldn’t stoop that low Joey”. Hey play on words of my joke are funny enough to draw a chuckle out of me however, my minds elsewhere wondering how to say what’s wrong. “It was great as always. Mr. and Mrs. Cake had me working extra hard to prepare for Nightmare Night, they wanted to make sure they’d have enough treats for everypony this year, but it’a not like they’ve ever been short before. You can’t be too careful when it comes to the holidays!”

The first time I really hung out with Pinkie, I found her quick spoken and long drawn out answers annoying yet as I listen to her now, it’s somewhat comforting in the consistency of her voice. It’s almost like having a noise maker for when you sleep, something to avoid the silence of night to help you relax. I sink into the couch listening to Pinkie tell me her day, sipping from my hot chocolate occasionally. She goes on for a few minutes on a story about helping some tourist elderly couple find their way through Ponyville.

“Isn’t that the cutest! I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a relationship that intimate”

Its nice until you realize she doesn’t love you anymore

I allow myself to slip up for a moment frowning in displeasure of my previous last relationship stirring back up. It wasn’t that recent from when I was transported here however, it was my first and I damn sure tried my best to make things work. I was sure things were meant to be, how ignorant.

“It’s nice..” I say aloud. Pinkie looks to me in shock.

“YOU have a special somepony!?!” Her hooves on both sides of her face, somewhat resembling the scream art piece. Heh, imagine Pinkie in replacement for that picture.

“Special person, and had. Things didn’t turn out so well” Pinkie frowns, scooting closer to me and resting her head against my shoulder.

“What happened? If you don’t mind me asking”

Scratching her head with my hand, look into the raging fire as I speak, “I’m not sure I’m okay with talking about it yet” I look to Pinkie, “It’s still a little fresh” She hugs my arm tight.

“That’s okay Joey. Can you tell me what it was like though... to love somepony..like that? I mean I love my family and the girls but I’m not sure what it feels like to be in.... love love” She gives me the dreaded puppy eyes with a blush.

“Easy! Put those things away” She laughs squeezing into me. Her warmth combined with the fire is intoxicating, it’s becoming difficult to move, worried about losing this comfort. “I’ll explain it how I felt. It was like living your life without purpose or understanding only until one day everything made sense. The tickling feeling in my stomach, the warm feeling in my chest, the lightness in the air. It gave me purpose, drive, I felt happier than I’ve ever been before and I didn’t want things to ever end with her. Moments where we had to separate were difficult but when we were together, time had gone by too fast, never enough to satisfy my urge to hold her, feel her warmth. Even her voice was soothing to my soul, calming me down at my worst, promising everything would be okay”

I hadn’t realized it but I had started crying as I was speaking, tears streaming down my face leaving marks behind were they had traveled. “And when we had broken up, I couldn’t bear to think about her, I threw everything away that reminded me of her. Just the very thought of us not working out after everything I did made me too sick to do anything. She promised me... she, although love can make you more happy than you can imagine, nothing can replace it when it’s lost”

“J-Joey, *sniff* I’m s-sorry, I never knew *sniff* that you experienced that” Pinkie fought at tears spilling from her eyes. I hugged her close, wiping my own face.

“It’s okay, it was for the best that we moved on anyway. She’d be happier that way and that’s all that mattered to me” Selfishly I wanted more of course but, certain things you have to learn to let go.

“B-but, that’s not fair! What about how you feel, she should have considered how you felt!” I chuckle.

“Pinkie you known not everything is fair right?” I say while booping her nose. She looks to me with tear filled grumpy eyes.

“Not funny” Her voice cracking as she spoke.

“You ponies seem to think a lot of my jokes aren’t funny, it shows a clear lack of taste”

“No, your jokes are too sad!”

This is enough to make me smile just for a moment before I remember the purpose of her being here. I pull at the collar around my neck as I look away.

“Umm Pinkie, do you know why Dash told you to come over?”

“Because your lonely and she knew I’d love to get a Joey recharge” She says confidently.

“Ha, yea... only if” I scratch my neck, “truth is, I’ve.... can you Pinkie promise me you won’t tell anypony?” Worriedly her eyes glanced toward my own.

“Is it serious?” She asks with an eyebrow raised. I nod yes. “Okay, cross my heart hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye” The last part followed up with an imaginary cupcake slammed toward her eye.

“*ahem* alright, I um... I’ve made a mistake and I promise it won’t happen again. I’m going to fix things myself but Dash said I had to tell you as well” Pinkie looks worried now as I go on but, doesn’t interrupt. “I did some... bad things and, maybe it’s best if I just show you”

I pull back my sleeve enough to reveal several cuts across my wrist. I can’t face her in this moment, my humiliation at an all time high, blushing furiously. I wince expecting some sort of backlash, instead I’m met with the feeling of something running along my arm. I look to see at what Pinkie is doing, she traces up my sleeve pulling it back the rest of the way, moving her hoof over my scars with a sad look.

“Oh Joey... you really can do the stupidest things” She doesn’t look up to face me though as she says this, settling for expecting my wounds instead. After a few seconds she pulls my sleeve back down and places her hoof on top of my hand. She stares into my eyes with not a look of disappointment but with confidence, her mind already made up. I stay silent.

“I’ve decided” I give her a puzzled look. “I’m moving in with you! You clearly need help and I’m sure you won’t charge me rent like the Cakes. It’s a win win” She smiles, cuddling back into my side. “I see why Dashy wanted me to know as well...”

Im conflicted, while I wouldn’t mind Pinkie moving in, it feels more like she’s obligated to. If her reasoning being that she owes this to me than I would rather she didn’t, I’m not worth the time. I look down at Pinkie, her eyes closed as she relaxes into me. How can she be so calm about learning about this?

“Are you... mad at me?” I ask sheepishly.

“That would be awfully selfish for me to be mad at you, plus you’ll be paying me for my services with warm hooman cuddles” She replies without opening her eyes. I guess that’s a fair bargain.

“But... you don’t feel like you have to do this right? I’m not forcing your hand or anything am I? Because I can stop, I know I can and-“

“Shh, I want to help my friend. Is that reason enough?” Her demeanor has changed completely since my reveal to a more respectful and responsible pony, her tone soft enough to tame a tigers wrath.

“I’m sorry”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for” I’m embarrassed but Pinkies calming presence makes me not care. I settle for laying down across the couch with the party pony atop of me relaxing like a cat upon its owner. “You know Joey, you really are a wonderful pony, even if you don’t think so”

Her words bring heat to my face, I fight back against the tide of emotions, “That’s not true, I just cause problems for everypony that’s close to me, I’m a walking talking mistake. I shouldn’t even be here”

“Do you ever feel like doing more than hurting yourself?” I bite my lip, unable to give an answer. “I think you should love yourself more. You care too much about others and your leaving yourself out of the picture, it’s okay to be selfish sometimes”

She hugs me tight to prove her point, my warmth both an example of my willingness to please others and her own selfish desire. I guess not all self centered desires can be negative, Seeing how I don’t really mind her being this close as much as I did before.

“I don’t deserve to be happy”

“Sure you do, I mean you do whatever you can to help us girls out, even if your uncomfortable or if things get too much. Think about the time you went around town helping me out with your new collar, I could tell that was a lot to ask of you”

“It was fine, I’m just a baby” I keep my answers short with displeasure laced in my voice as we continue to speak about myself.

“I think your tough, and brave. Anypony would be lucky to have you as their special somepony” Her voice continues to get more relaxed however, not enough to fall asleep.

“That would be a waste of time... clearly my ex realized that”

“She didn’t appreciate you for how wonderful you are clearly, sounds like the dumbest pony I’ve ever heard of”

“She was pretty rude those last few months... I still can’t help but wonder if she came back, would I accept her? I don’t even know if I love her anymore... it makes me feel so sick just thinking about it” I move my forearm over my eyes.

“I’ll be here every step of the way Joey, until you love yourself as much as we love you”

“I don’t want to hurt anymore... I wish I was dead”

“Don’t say that!” She lifts her head to face me. “You don’t actually want that, your just tired of hurting not living. You just have to trust me that things will get better if you keep going”

My voice cracks as tears spill over the side of my face, my eyes still covered by my forearm. “I’m trying... I really am”

“Then that’s all that matters, I know you can get through this. Your the toughest pony I know” I’m unable to deny her last statement, focusing too much toward not breaking down in front of the pony laying atop of me.

Neither of us speak for the rest of the night, only the crackling of the fireplace fills the silence as we lay there until we both fall asleep. When I wake up it’s the morning, the short hand of the clock around 11. I get up noticing the distinct lack of Pink pony and a terrible case of my morning sickness. I spot a note left on the coffee table beside me.

‘I have to go to work, sorry for leaving without telling you but you were so sleepy! Anyway I’ll be back later tonight, I have to tell the Cakes about me moving out and prepare my things. I’m super excited to be roommates with you! I can’t wait for all the exciting adventures we will go on!’
~Love Pinkie

I snort, “adventures? I’m the most boring, antisocial being in this world” I shrug my shoulders and head to the bathroom to shower for the day, the smell of cotton candy overwhelming floods my nose. After cleaning up and dressing myself I start to head toward my room in order to read something to pass the time as a knock comes from my door. Heading over I peek out the window to see my visitor, it’s Princess Celestia herself.

Shit! She probably here to bring me in for killing that pony

My heart rate increases as I shakily reach for the door knob. Opening it to see the white monarch standing elegantly at my doorstep. She smiles, “Good morning Joey Marshall! Would you mind my company for a bit?” She said my full name, I’m fucked!

Author's Note

National Suicide Prevention Hotline
800-273-8255

If you ever feel like things are too much or your having suicidal thoughts, I suggest you give this number a call. Nobody is ever alone and there is always someone who cares! Everything has a purpose and if you keep moving forward I’m sure one day you’ll look back and be proud of yourself, glad you persevered.

If your uncomfortable with calling, there are chat rooms for people as well.

If you want I’ll always lend an open ear as well if you private message me but, I suggest you talk to a professional.

As always, I hope you enjoy ;)
Have a wonderful day/night