The Conversion Bureau: Tourist Trap

Southern boys aren’t as stupid as the world wants to think. Those space nerds gloss right over the fact that the old NASA headquarters was in Houston, Texas, and astronauts were trained in Huntsville, Alabama. And that guy who built the adapter for the carbine dioxide scrubber for Apollo 13, graduated from Mississippi State University. No sir, southern boys aren’t stupid. In fact, while the east coast goes stupid with politics and the west coast bleeds to death trying to give everything away, the South just keeps on keepin’ on.

When the oil ran out, we still knew how to handle animals. When the energy ran out we still knew how to make fire. When the food ran out… Dumb shits died, but not us farmers, preppers, and eagle scouts – “be prepared”, as my dad would say. So when a tumor opened up in the sea, we weren’t going to just let the horses that popped out of it invade our land. Government gave up though. They’re letting the horses turn people into them to “emigrate to Equestria”. Some people think that fucks up their mind, and now there’s a bunch of chicken shits shittin’ their pants over the idea of getting “potion” dumped on them from the sky… I ain’t that stupid. Some people think that getting turned into one of them is the Mark of the Beast and you lose your soul. I ain’t that stupid either. If those idjuts would just read their bible, they’d know that you have to choose to accept the Mark of the Beast, but when news got out about that one group spraying down the Super Bowl and turning everyone there into horses, I knew that was bullshit, but I was born an American, and I’ll die an American.

The best part about being “in the middle of nowhere” is that no one has reason to bother you. The horses haven’t gotten this far inland, and I doubt they ever will really, but the government is giving up and letting the horses call the shots. I can’t stand for that, and neither could the owner of the Sour Notes Winery, which apparently used to be called Stone Hill Winery before it moved. Guy who ran it figured out how to tap into horse magic to power up the old machines. Then he went and figured out how to use it to keep the horses out. Again, I ain’t one of those dumbasses who sees something he don’t understand and starts screaming “it’s the devil!” So magic exists, big whup. Radiation wasn’t discovered till some French guy figured it out, but that don’t mean it wasn’t there.

Somehow this guy bought the land out right from the USA, and now the whole city of Branson, Missouri belongs to him as a separate nation. Ya see, this guy used the magic to power up this old amusement park there called Silver Dollar City. People come from all over just to experience the good ole days again… But that’s just a front. Branson is a quiet walled city where the horses can’t get in because the magic pushes them out, so if and more likely when the US hands over the country to the horses, this place will still be free.

Speaking of free, that’s the trap. Some people think they’ll be just as free under the horses as they would be in America, but the horses sold their donkey slaves to the city. Now, everyone calls the park “Pleasure Island” after Pinocchio because the donkeys do all the heavy work, like farming, so we can prepare for the fight we know is coming. Any country that allows slavery can’t be that free, so while all the limp noodles go running off to be horses, fixin’ to find themselves as slaves or something close enough, I’m running to the one place they can’t follow. Cause Southern boys aren’t as stupid as the world wants to think.