The battle of the century
Alright, let's do this one more time...
I'm Shawn. Alright got the name out of the way...
Now, onto what I am....
I would say I'm human, but I'm not one. What I am exactly, there isn't a term for.
I'm like a.. god? Kinda, sorta, not really...
So, I wrote and put together this whole universe.... based off of this show called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Yes. I know, "ThAt'S A LiTtLe GiRl'S ShOw," I don't care, I liked it, still do in fact.
Only weird thing is, the day after I was done putting it together.... I died(I think). Don't really remember how, don't really remember why, all I remember is a loud bang, and a sudden flash of pain. Other than that, it's all fuzzy.
Cool thing is though, after I was floating in a black void for.... I don't even know, I was visited by a.... god. She called herself Faust, and she wanted to give me a chance, for what ever reason. So, what chance did she give me? To watch over the universe I made, my dudes. Isn't that insane?
So after I think maybe a few thousand years (Yes, I'm that old), she caught me doing something unforgivable...
I left her toilet seat up.
What? Did you expect something that was actually horrible? Anyway, she "caught" me doing that, and, as punishment, she brought an Anon into my universe, and threw into it as well, taking some of my powers, which is complete and utter bullshit.
But whatever. Actually, you know what? Being down here is much better than sitting in Faust's space palace for all eternity.
So, obviously, my first goal was to get laid, because I swear to god, I - actually, nevermind.
...
Yeah, I should probably skip that...
Anywho, remember the Anon I mentioned? Of course you do! Yeah, he is.... interesting. We click, so that's all that matters.
Also, apparently, Faust yoinked a poor, random brony(of course) from my old world, threw him into an Anon body, and boom shaka laka, here he is.
Now... I should probably get onto the actual story.... Yeah, roll the intro...
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ₜₕₑ Bₐₜₜₗₑ ₒf ₜₕₑ Cₑₙₜᵤᵣy
Written by
ᏕᏂᏗᏇᏁ ᏕᏖᎧᏒᎷ
╚═══*.·:·.☽✧ ✦ ✧☾.·:·.*═══╝
At the moment, I'm sitting in Twilight Sparkles castle, next to my best friend(and worst enemy), Anon.
We're just waiting for Twi to finish setting up everything for Hearth's Warming, or more likely, she was checking to make sure everything was there, like the neat freak she is. We were also waiting for the others to arrive, because, for the love of fuck, they have to take their precious fuCKING TIME, AND W E H A V E T O W A I T F O R S O F U- Actually, I'm not gonna complain. That's not what good friends.
Fucking...
Anyway, I guess to make conversation, Anon turns to me and asks; "Who, out the Mane SIx, would you bang?"
Yo, what the fuck? I thought. I mean, if were just sitting back in my old collage dorm room, I'd be firing off about why Applejack is the best out of the Mane Six in every way possible, and I would.... nevermind. But, I mean, now? We're friends with them now; literally every brony's dream. And, come on, who the fuck would want to bang the guy that looks like an edgy 12-year with a big grey hoodie and baggy jeans? I mean, I can't even grow I beard!
Fucking space horse taking away my ability to grow a beard...
Naturally, I was fairly taken aback by the sudden question. I was going to tell him what I just told you - the "we are friends with them" part - but I decided to just roll with it. "Applejack." I said simply. For some reason, I felt like someone was listening in on the conversation, but whatever. That's normal when you're talking about someone behind their back... that sounds bad.
"Okay, cool." Anon said.
"What about y-"
"Next question-" Anon interrupted. "Who is the cutest pony?"
Ah. I saw where this was going. At least this question isn't restricted to the Mane Six, so I thought about my options. You see, I probably don't have the same definition of "cute" you do. Sure, if I see a kitten, I'mma it's cute, but then it get's complicated, then it changes. You see, what makes a person( or in this case, pony) cute to me, well, it depends on a couple of factors, most of which I'll keep private. Y'know, in case I get blackmailed. There is one thing that really hits me though, and that's when someone get's flustered, and does the whole "baka" thing, and my god, I just realized how retar-
WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA OFFENSIVE WORD, OFFENSIVE WORD
Alright, geez...
Anyway, I guess I should answer, because I'm 99% sure I have the most brainless expression on my face right now, using my own definition of "cute."
"Limestone."
Silence.
Legit, nothing happens. It's like his brain died or something.
It was actually kind of scary.
I couldn't read his face, because it's literally a giant question mar-
Wait.
What the fu..
The top of the question mark begins to squish as his brow furrowed.
I think he's gonna kill me.
"Alright!" A pleasant female voice floats across the hallway. "I've checked everything, and have made sure that all the presents are, well, present. Did either of you bring gifts?"
Whew! Saved by Twilight.
Also, yeah, I had a small stack of gifts next to me the entire time. No, I didn't forget to mention it. I glossed over it on purpose. Sue me.
Please don't, I can't afford a lawyer.
I pat the gifts next to me while nodding. Not sure what Anon did, but I guess he did something similar.
Twilight's small smile turned into a toothy grin.
"Great!" She said, still beaming. "Just come in and set you're gifts down under the tree, and everypony will be here in a little bit!"
"Poggers." I said automatically.
Twilight's happy look faltered slightly, showing visible confusion.
"W-what?" She asked.
"Uh... space god for 'understood.'" I heard Anon snort quietly beside me as I stood up.
"Oh, okay!" Twilight said happily. "I'll write that down!"
Yeah, this is gonna come back to bite me in the ass.
I wrap my arms around the nine presents, drop three of them while I pick them up. Twilight magicks the presents I dropped under the tree.
I walk into the library (Where we're celebrating), over towards the tree, and stashed my gifts under it.
I look around, and holy shit, Twi magically installed a fireplace. Now, that's setting the mood! Other than that, there was the Hearth's Warming usual; stockings, lights, ornaments, carpets, couches, and squishy armchairs. Also, above the mantelpiece on the fireplace, was a large photograph. It was of me, Anon, and the girls. And Spike. And Starlight. And, I'll explain this guy, an orange pegasus stallion with a dark grey mane.
Oh boy... remember when I said I was shoved into my version of FiM? Yeah, this guy is the obligatory seven Element of Harmony OC I made. And I tried to make him unique.... which kinda worked? I mean, his element is being over-protective(Protection). I also killed off his parents in his backstory, so.......
Also, his name is Niro Ashnidon... because his mane is an ash color. I know, I know, I'm amazing at naming thi-
"Shawn?" Twilight asked, concerned. "You okay? You look kinda... out of it."
Oh yeah. I should probably stop explaining things. It's making me look mentally absent.
"Uh, yeah, I'm fine." I say quickly.
"Alright." Twilight said cautiously.
I walk over to one of the aforementioned couches, and sit down. Twilight hops up on the couch as well, and sits on the opposite end.
No one says anything for the longest time, and I think Anon fell asleep.
Maybe I should continue my explanation about Nir-
BANG!
The door slammed open with the force of a freight train.
Anon fell off his chair with a yelp.
"GUESS WHO IT IS?!" A raspy rasp rasps. You know who it is.
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight, whose mane was standing on end, half choked, half exclaimed in excitement.
"The fuck did you do?" I heard Anon manage."Falcon punch the door?"
Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well.
"No?" Rainbow said. "I just hurricane - kicked the door open, ya sleepyhead!"
Anon scoffed and stood up, and sat in his chair.
Rainbow sat between me and Twilight, who looked at her with a look of great annoyance.
"Where's Niro?" Rainbow asked. Anon groaned.
As if to answer her question, Niro pops into existence in the doorway.
"Oh hey." Dash said.
Niro's face had a look of alarm, which was understandable, seeing as it sounded like something fucking exploded.
"W-what happened?" He said, voice cracking slightly. This is exactly the voice I imagined him with.
"Rainbow Dash." Anon said.
The look of alarm was immediately wiped from Niro's, replaced with a knowing scowl.
"Faust-dammit, Dash." He mumbled, walking to the other chair.
'Ight, so, it's been an hour and everyone's here.
What? I spared you all the boring shit that happened.
Aright, mental head count....
Twilight
Spike
Niro
Anon
Dash
Applejack
Pinkie
Rarity
Fluttershy
and... Starlight!
All present, and accounted for. Heh, present...
Also, which each new pony, came a bunch of gifts, except Dash, because she wanted to put her's under the tree two weeks early. Oh, and Spike(and Niro), but that's because he lives here(So does Niro).
Everyone was just chatting among themselves, Niro and Dash were slightly brushing against each other, which was weird.
In fact, watching this whole thing pan out was weird, especially because I was just sitting off to the side.
After about a minute, I begin twiddling my thumbs.
I see Niro walk up to Twilight, who was talking to Rarity close by, and I heard him say something.
With nothing else to do, I begin to eavesdrop. This was what I gathered;
"Hey, Twilight?" Niro asked, slightly nervous.
"Yeah?" Twilight replied, turning around to face him.
" I just remembered something.." Niro hesitated, " I may or may not of invited one of my friends without telling you..." His sentence became quieter as he went along.
Twilight's eyes widened slightly in alarm, " W-what? Who?"
"And your parents...." He practically whispered, which was only caught because of my really sensitive ears.
Twilight's pupils shrunk.
As if on cue, there was a knock on the door.
"Huh," I'm pretty sure it was Spike who said that, he was the closest to the door.
He walked to it cautiously, grasped the door handle, and opened it.
At the door was a unicorn stallion, whom everyone turned to silent.
He had a black mane, pear-colored fur, a boombox cutie-mark, and purple eyes. He was also kinda tall. He was wearing a red and green sweater, and a Santa cap, who I've had to explain many times.
"Heeey!" He exclaimed enthusiastically.
I heard Anon groan.
Behind the unicorn were two other unicorns.
The other two were Twilight's parents, Velvet and Night Light. They didn't like me all too much.
"Backtrack!" Niro said, shuffling away, visually thankful for an excuse to get away from Twilight.
Pinkie also hopped over to Backtrack. Something about Backtrack never getting a proper party, which was fucking impossible. No one can escape Pinkie Pie, I've known this for millennia.
Damn, I forget how old I am sometimes...
Anyway, yeah. Backtrack is another OC of mine, and he's a lot more chill than I initially intended, but that's cool.
Only thing that matters is that I gave him a harem, I think, so....
Twi's parents walked up to the bookhorse herself, glared at me, and began talking to her about boring family stuff.
Everyone began talking again, and I legit just realized how out of place I am. Like, seriously, I don't belong
"Hey, Twilight." Dash rasps. "I think I left a present at home, do you mind if I -"
"No, go ahead."
"Thanks."
She walked towards the door, said something to Niro, who was talking to Backtrack. Backtrack heard it, and his eyes widened with a flabbergasted grin on his face. Niro himself looked at Dash with an odd look on his face, eyes squinted. After a few moments, he slowly nodded. Backtrack look absolutely astounded.
Niro followed Dash out. Backtrack followed them with his eyes. His grin somehow widening.
Well, that looked interesting. Too bad I couldn't here it.
I was about to stand up, when the aforementioned unicorn walking up to me, trying his damnedest not to laugh.
"Hey, Hoodieman." He said, his voice strained. The nickname didn't really fit at moment, because I was wearing a sweater. "Guess what?"
"What?" I asked, curious.
"You saw what just happened, right?" He choked, he was about to fucking explode. "With Niro and Miss Wonderbolt, right?"
"Uh, yeah?"
"Well.." He said, laughing slightly. "They ain't grabbing a present, let me tell you that."
Oh my god...
After about two hours, Niro and Dash returned, Dash actually clutching a present under her wing. One thing that was off was that Niro goofy grin on his face.
We were all gathered in the dining hall a few minutes later.
We had an surprisingly uneventful dinner. Food was good though.
We were all heading back to the library when.. it happened.
"Hey, Shawn." Anon asked, a little too loud. "Remember what we were talking about earlier."
Not wanting him to really say much else, I answer, "Yeah.. why?"
"Well.." He began as we were going through the door to the library. He was still talking a little loud. Luckily everyone else was, too. "... did you mean what you said when you said about Limestone being the cutest pony?"
I saw Pinkie turn towards us in the corner of my eye with an... unsettling smile on her face.
"Uhhh..." I said, looking at her before looking at Anon. "Yeah...?"
Pinkie's smile widened more, if possible.
Anon, being taller than me, started to seem a lot taller for some reason. He had an oddly cold aura around him.
"Why not Fluttershy." He said in deadly whisper.
........................
what?
"W-what?" I said.
Pinkie also looked confused.
Anon answered with pulling his suddenly much more muscular arm back, and swinging it forward across my face.
And, you know what, I flew across the room, smashing into the wall. Due to my leftover "god" powers, it didn't injure me, but holy shit, that hurt...
Everyone obviously heard it.
They all turned towards me, then Anon.
And, to top it all off, as if this was a fucking anime, the question mark on Anon's face was red.
...
What the actual fuck?
I scrambled to my feet.
"W-what was that for?" I asked.
"Shawn Laren Storm." He said in a much deeper voice. "You have committed a violation under the decree of the Brony Faction's segmented law under chapter 420, section 69 - 'thou shalt not disagree with another's opinion on whichever topic of their choosing.'"
"Uh.." I tried to say something. I really did. This was probably the most stupid thing that has happened to me thus far.
Also, "Chapter 420, section 69?" Who wrote this, an unfunny teenager?
"The punishment for such a heinous crime," He continued, " Is death by ridiculous anime power moves."
"He's got that right..." I heard Niro mumble to Backtrack, who snorted.
Anon was about to charge, maybe blast me with a Rasengan, when Twilight stepped in between us.
"Anon." She said in an unimpressed voice. "He's the apprentice to the maker of all things; Faust. Do you really thing you'll be able to do anything."
"Well.." a mischievous voice said, coming from Anon's body. "Seeing as I'm the spirit of chaos..."
....
"DISCORD!" I shrieked, proving my masculinity when it came out as a high pitched squeal. "WHAT THE FUCK?"
Anon disappeared with a poof! and was replaced by everyone's least favorite draconequus; Discord, who began cackling. "You should have seen the look on your face!" He flew towards a window, "Well, my job is done here, happy Hearth's Warming!" He flew off, cackling loudly.
Everyone turned towards me.
Dash snorted, "Your middle name is Laren?"
Author's Note
This is so late because I procrastinated.
Will make spin-offs and sequels if requested.
