He Can’t Keep Getting Away With This!
“Sister, all we are saying is that we believe it to be... a little excessive.”
Celestia slammed a hoof on the table, causing the two tea cups on the table to jump from the impact. Droplets of cold tea swished passed one’s brim and stained the table. The alabaster alicorn bore her bloodshot eyes into her sister’s far healthier ones. “You have not seen, what I have seen.”
“Correct. Pray tell, why would that be? Could be that thine sensibilities have waned, and refuse to allow us to help alleviate the dreams that plague you so?” Luna chided, her frown deepening as her sister looked away. “But we are not here to talk about thine dreams, we are here to talk about thine attempt to slaughter the human! That is most certainly a bastardization of justice!”
“I’m being... excessive because he’s so much worse than what my dreary mind could ever hope to fabricate— in even my worst nightmares!”
“Sister, Anonymous’ interrogation has yet to even finish… yet thou have already decided on the verdict! What ever happened to the notion ‘Innocent, until proven guilty’?”
“I stoped believing in that pile of horse feathers once that… that thing committed tax evasion!” Celestia spat the final word with enough venom to kill... shit I dunno, an elephant.
Luna gasped at her sister’s shout and raised a hoof to cover her mouth, “Sister.” She took a shaky breath. “That crime... it is one of the most vile things a creature could possibly commit. And thou would levy such a thing against Anonymous? With utmost certainty? Our own sister would doom an endangered race on chance?”
“If it was his race? Ah, perhaps…”
The vanilla half-deity was smacked over the head with a sharp WHAP and let out a yelp of pain.
“Mother would be ashamed of thee! Thou would toss a wounded colt to the Timberwolves because of a hunch— of which thee refuses to even elaborate on!” Luna yelled.
Celestia growled. “He had drugs in his possession, he committed piracy, he is no colt— he is a monster straight from the deepest pits of Tartarus!”
“Horsefeathers! Thou spoke of 152,870 pounds of this ‘crack cocaine’ being in the evidence locker below the court, yet no such thing was there!”
“He burned it all down! Why else would the guards be loopy once you’d arrived?!”
“That is not how that works, they were sleep deprived. And not one soul from thine own jury hast come forth to proclaim Anonymous’ guilt!”
“He bribed all of them!” She growled.
“Thou are making excuses!” Luna hissed back.
Celestia smashed her hoof on the table again before nearly tripping at the speed at which she left her chair. Her eyes burned with rage. “Fine, I’ll prove it! We’ll go to the interrogation room together! And then you can see what a monster this human truly is!”
“Fine!”
“FINE!”
The two lit their horns and disappeared with a pop.
He has been trying to get an answer out of the suspect for nine hours.
Nine. Bucking. Hours! Nine! He wasn’t even germane…
Case Cracker, head investigator and the one spear heading Anonymous’ interrogation, has listened to this creature drone on and on and on!
The human continued to horrify him with both a dark sense of humour and strange way of stringing false leads. He simply refused to answer Case’s questions in a way that could actually allow him to pinpoint an alibi. He was blasé in everything he stated, no matter the subject matter.
“—yeah I’ve blown up my fair share of orphanages in the past few years, but come on they were practically begging for it.”
“...Sir. You were placed under arrest for drug possession.”
The human shrugged. “Same thing really.” He pointed at the investigator. “Also it’s suspicion of drug possession. You have no proof that I’m actually guilty. Cracker.”
Case Cracker sighs, a strange agitated forming at the way the man said his name like a curse. “Everything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law.” His voice had since deadpanned. The proceedings were clearly taking a toll on him.
“The only court I take seriously is the basketball court.” Anon nodded to himself with a smirk.
The pony opened his mouth before a flash appeared in the room.
The princesses had arrived.
Case Cracker visibly relaxed. Finally. Somepony sensible.
Anonymous beamed at the lunar princess in particular, and His whole demeanour switches from a sarcastic smart ass, to an innocent human who couldn’t hurt a fly— in the blink of an eye. Bars.
“Hi Lulu!” He gives Luna an exaggerated wave, a dopey grin on his face.
Princess Luna smiles gently for him. “Hello human, it is good to see thee in good health.”
“I can not wait for everypony to see you hang from the tallest tree in Canterlot’s downtown.” Celestia chuckle is macabre, and more than a little frightening.
“Celestia!” Luna shouted at her sister, “There aren’t any trees downtown!” She hissed.
Celestia grits her teeth. “I will grow one.”
Luna leans closer to her sister. “Give Anon a chance.”
The human whimpers in supposed fear, animated in his cowering of Celestia, but it was absolutely probably maybe feigned. (god he was so good at this.) “P- Please don’t let Miss Tia h- hurt me, Aunty Luna.” his high pitched voice warbles. The act completed with a set of teary eyes and a quivering bottom lip.
Luna, of course, comes to his aid. Because how can you say no to those wide nonexistent eyes?
“Shhh shhh, ‘tis alright sweetheart,” Luna coos, coddling the human with her wings as she’d since shuffled closer, “We will not allow this... brute to harm thee.” She glares viciously at her sister, her hooves wrapped protectively around the green human, who cuddled in close to her plumage like fluff around her chest.
Celestia scrunches up her nose in disgusting. “Seriously, you’d actually fall for this pitiful display of his?!”
“Shush, heathen! Thou doth scare him!”
“Oh for bucks sake—”
Case Cracker cleared his throat.
Both of Princess Celestia’s ears twitched at the sound before she turned to him, her face gaining a small smirk. “Detective Case Cracker. Just the stallion I was looking for. Now that you’ve interrogated this human, and obviously gathered enough evidence, could you perhaps schedule this creature’s public execution say… tomorrow?”
Case Cracker blanches at that.
“Sister!”
“Now hold on there Princess,” Case began, scratching the back of his head and letting out a sigh. “To be truthful, I haven’t been able to find... well... anything. I looked over the evidence, which was pretty lacklustre, and found multiple contradictions to your accounting of the situation.”
Celestia frowned, eyes narrowing. “How so?”
“Well you see, Anonymous said that he wasn’t anywhere near Canterlot on the day you supposedly held court for his case— a case which, despite my best efforts, was no where to be found in official records. And when the guards placed him under arrest, he was in Ponyville.”
“He can fly!”
Case Cracker glanced towards the rather pitiful looking and wide eyed Anon.
“...I don’t see any wings.”
“My guess is that he uses some kind telekinesis to propel himself.”
Case blinked. “But he doesn’t have a horn? And our unicorns didn’t pick up any magical signature.”
“Human magic must not operate under the same rules as our own!”
Princess Luna groans at her.
“But Princess, Anonymous was arrested only an hour after this supposed event took place, if he has no magic signature, and he can fly, and he didn’t use the help of a unicorn— how did you know he was in Ponyville?”
“He rubbed it in my face while I was unconscious! He told me, and I quote: ‘Yo, fat idiot moron buffoon retard baka. I’m gonna have some bitchin’ tea with Fluttershy now. See yah later, nerd.’ all while I was sleeping!”
“Celestia, thou art allowing delusions to cloud thine mind! These events thineself speak of never happened! It must have all been a nightmare. A nightmare that thou are using as an excuse to harm another!”
Celestia grit her teeth and pointed a hoof at her sister. “I know what I saw, darn it!”
Case Cracker sighed once more. “I’m sorry Princess, but so far the only thing Anon is guilty of is having a sick sense of humour and a strange personality. Well actually... he did admit to blowing up an orphanage, but as far as I know, there haven’t been any catastrophes involving any orphanages for several years now. Anon’s been in Equestria for… a year at most?” He looks to Luna for confirmation, who nods.
“I am not crazy.” Celestia glares at the detective.
Case put up his hooves in a disarming gesture. “We never said you were, Princess.”
Anon snickers.
Celestia whipped her head in his direction, a fire in her eyes. “You.” She glowered.
Anon pressed the tips of both his pointer fingers together and gave her a bashful look. “Moi?” He bats his eyelashes at her.
Celestia grit her teeth together. “Why you little—“
“Enough!” Luna shouted, her chest rising and falling rapidly as if she was out of breath. “...Enough. Is. Enough. Sister, thou are done.”
“But—“
“No.” Luna scowled, her shoulders dropping. “Thine attempts to expedite the demise of an innocent creature brings both shame on yourself and the ideals we were said to strive for— as higher beings, this behaviour is unacceptable.” Luna’s nostrils flared as she stared her sister down. “We—I will not accept this.” She holds her head high, because sudden character development is the best kind.
Celestia’s ears droop sadly.
“This case will no longer be delegated by you, sister… I will make sure Anon receives a real hearing.”
“You—Luna…”
“No. I will hear not one more word. Now go.”
Celestia opens her maw as if to speak, but words fail her. Once her expression falls she’s able to speak through clenched teeth. “This is a mistake, sister. You’ll see that eventually.” She’s teary eyed as she lights her horn and vanishes with little fanfare.
For a moment there is silence, before Luna almost sinks to the ground. “Why must my dear sister act this way?” She whispers, a solemn tone warbling her vocal chords in a way that would’ve surely tugged at most heartstrings. Sadly Anon was a psychopath, and he simply pats her head in a way that everyone else but her would’ve seen as condescending.
“Some mare’s don’t need a reason, princess Luna. Some mare’s just wanna see the world burn, and sister, that pony controls the sun. But sometimes that’s just the way the cookie crumbles, y’know?”
Luna sighs, wrapping her wings tighter around the human. “You always know how to delegate the truth while still delivering underlining messages of hope, Anonymous.” Then she pauses, before muttering to herself. “Could it be possible? That my sister is becoming undone by the very darkness that nearly destroyed me?”
“I’m afraid it’s worse than that.” Anon hums.
Case cracker breaks the long awkward silence he had found himself lost in by clearing his throat. “Mr. Anonymous? What do you mean by worse? What could be worse than having a parasitical entity highjacking your very brain chemistry?”
“Taking the blue pill.”
Both ponies frown at that, confusion dotting the duo’s face’s as they met one another’s eyes in a side glance.
“Gather around, my pony friends. I have lots to teach you.”
A storm was brewing.
Anon’s grin is wide and frightful.
And it wasn’t even Halloween.
Celestia is distraught by her failure and lack of constitution. If she was a better mare, she would’ve simply undone Anon then and there.
But what would her sister have thought of her?
She would’ve thought her a villain.
Curse that man… and curse his startling proficiency in wrapping other creatures around his finger. She should have seen it from the beginning— the way he wormed his way into the hearts of her little ponies, always treating them with respect and kindness… always making good on promises… never taking advantage of them. Doing such inane acts like helping old mares cross the street, or helping little fillies find their lost balloons.., You’d almost think he only had it out for her, that he gave her special treatment.
He was just that good.
She needed to think. She needed to plan…
A storm was brewing. Their clashing would be a hurricane.
Princess Celestia would return. And when she did, she would be ready.
Author's Note
Goofy battle of the titans. Who will win? Who will lose? Are you trembling with anticipation? I am! Although that’s probably the early onset Parkinson’s to be honest.
Anyways, love yourself NOW! How else am I suppose to keep readers engaged in you’re not happy!?!? Rahhhh! Love yourself!!! Rahhh!!! They say you gotta love yourself before you can love someone else, and goddmanit I need a parasocial relationship to keep myself afloat! Please!
Enough zoomer talk, I grow weary. Catch you cool cats later.
Heart.
Imagine a big beautiful glowing organ when you read that, that’s me to you, baby.
