The First and Only Chapter Because Bicyclette Needed to go to Bed and I Need to Get Back to Cleaning and Packing Since I'm Moving This Week and Next Week. I'm Only Moving Like 50 Miles, But Also I'm Hella Extra So It's Going to Take a
One day, Spike grew a second head.
“Oh, well that’s not good,” he said.
“I’ll say,” the other head agreed.
Meanwhile, Trixie woke up missing her rear left leg. The bottom half anyway. Like below the knee. Do horses have knees? Fuck if I know. Anyway, she also decided this was not good. For you see, today was the day that she was planning on trying out for Princess Celestia’s buckball team, because buckball’s easy. It’s barely even a game. But now she had to find something else to do because her leg was half gone. She supposed she could steal Kerfuffle’s prosthetic leg. It’d be a pretty dick move, but that’s kind of Trixie’s wheelhouse.
Of course, it struck Trixie as a bit contrived to travel all the way to wherever Kerfuffle lived just to steal her prosthetic leg. Surely there were more convenient solutions that were not so Ableist. Something that probably involves Spike, because otherwise that would just be a narrative thread that hangs loose all the way until the end of the fic.
Anyway, forgetting Spike for a moment, just like the show writers half the time (aye-oo!) Trixie decided as a back-up plan: she would simply amputate one of Celestia's legs and any other buckball competitors so that they all would be on an (un)even playing field. She decided that she would need a very capable bonesaw for this, and fortunately Bonesaws and Quills (But not Sofas) had set up shop right next to Ponyville’s Electric fans and Panini Presses store. Said store does in fact appear in the show, as evidenced by th
e image below, but later after it showed up, the store manager, Fanny Mae decided to expand into selling panini presses as well.
“One bonesaw, please!” Trixie yelled, barging into the aforementioned actual business shop Bonesaws and Quills (But not Sofas). “I need to hack off the lower limb of the sovereign of our nation in order to level the playing field for a game that is, in fact, easy.”
Back to Spike for a moment. His heads were now making out with each other in the name of “Practicing for when I actually kiss Rarity”, because this Spike still had his early show characterization that was only necessary to mark Rarity as the attractive one despite being drawn in the same template as all of the other equally hot main characters. I feel like by the end of the series he had kind of moved on from that crush but I honestly don't remember, and I feel like it's the kind of move on where if she did change her mind he would definitely smash if the situation changed. And I mean, can you blame him? To quote acclaimed Canadian comedy Letterkenny (which you should definitely watch), “Rarity is a fucking rocket!" (Please don't look at my Rarity-tagged favorites on Derpibooru with the filter off.)
Now back to ignoring Spike because his arcs never really were very interesting. Trixie needed to follow her own shallow motivations for injuring the immortal Goddess-Queen that had guided the very civilization she was part of from its inception. Fortunately, Bonesaws and Quills (But not Sofas) was a proper Bonesaw and Quill specialty shop unlike those generalist HACKS at Bonesaws and Quills and Sofas who only got into it to follow the trend. Fuck them. So Fanny Mae, Mr. Breezy’s daughter and also also store manager, since he had retired from the day to day operations so as to explore franchising opportunities in YakYakistan (apparently the Yaks, in their machismo ways, feel it’s not cold enough there and want to buy fans to increase the windchill factor. Or maybe they’re just getting bored and are looking for new things to smash. If so, good for them. I mean, I have no clue how they would power the electric fans other than portable generators, and those make a lot of noise, but, hey, to pull a pertinent quote from Paul Simon’s 1986 smash hit record Graceland, “Who am I to blow against the wind?”
Oh right, Fanny Mae was able to sell Trixie a bonesaw capable of cutting an alicorn leg in twain. That is how she is relevant to this story. Now that she had her tool, all she had to do was find Celestia and the current roster of her buckball team to nonconsensually remove part of one of their limbs.
Not that consensually removing parts of limbs is typically recommended except in emergency cases. In fact there’s a term for ~~people~~ ~~ponies~~ creatures which wish to harm themselves by acquiring a disability: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_integrity_dysphoria
Trixie was satisfied because by providing an educational service, this fic would now be eligible to receive grant funding from the EEA, and she needed the bits to pay off that expensive bonesaw. And what she owed in back taxes. And the Manehattan Mob. And Starlight. But we don’t talk about the last one.
Fortunately, Trixie was able to find Celestia and her entire team playing a practice game on the buckball court at the School of Friendship. By entire team, we mean eight players. Buckball only has three athletes from each side on the field at a time, so a roster usually only includes seven to nine players. This is good worldbuilding. For more of the minutia of Buckball, We encourage you to check out
EBuckball Abstract
Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer are big fans of buckball.
Pineta ·
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Of course, Trixie would now have to figure out just how she could get said players and ruler of a continent-spanning nation-state in a position to get the bottom half of their rear left legs removed, just like her hero, Kerfuffle. She thought about it for a bit, and even packed a bowl to smoke, since unlike in the human world, Equestria doesn’t classify marijuana as a Schedule 1 drug because its lawmakers don’t have a stick up their collective ass.
It was fortunate that she had done so, because the introspection a good bowl of the marijuana provides was enough for her to realize that her disability had not affected any of her actions in the story so far, but of course the degree to which such things should be emphasized is a line that is difficult to navigate for the conscious writer. This did cause her to actually look down below the knee that horses either do or do not have and realize that she did in fact have the bottom half of her rear left leg still attached to her, and it only felt like she had not because it had been cut off from her internal body map. This of course makes the question of whether or not she was actually missing said part of her limb a fairly philosophical one.
Of course, Trixie is an imaginary creature, so whether a substantial portion of her leg was missing is more an academic exercise than anything else. Does it even matter? Does anything matter? I mean, the fact that you, dear reader, are reading this would seem to indicate that not much matters to you, given that there are literally millions of ways you could better use your time. Alas, you are still here. How queer.
But this is how the Trixie in this story ends. High, ruminating on the pointlessness of her own actions and existence as she halfheartedly watches a practice game for a sport she has no respect or interest for. Her life is forever frozen in this moment from our perspective, for this is where the story leaves her.
Meanwhile, Spike was at the comic shop trying to haggle on the price of some new Power Ponies comics, because every single story that mentions in-universe comics drops the fact that they’re Power Ponies comics specifically.
Suddenly, █████████████████████ because when a prolapsed-█████████████████████████ ribcage was forcibly █████████████████████████████████████████ you and your mom!” Tempest Shadow roared before bringing the spear down on ██████████████████████████████████████████████████ ravioli and fecal matter both █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ and his turgid shaft █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ muffins up her ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ both of the spa twins at the exact same time! But the salad tongs slipped and ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
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“And that, Rarity, is why Hydras suck at giving head,” Spitfire concluded.
Rarity just stared at her, horrified. “What the fuck?”
Author's Note
Thanks for cowriting, Bicyclette! For more humorous hijinks, go read a great story of theirs here!:
TThe 41-Second Goddess
What exactly did Pinkie Pie do during the time she held Discord's power? An Equestrian intelligence officer leaves a message to her successor on what little they know so far. Warning: Superintelligences and existentialism
Bicyclette ·
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or for something more serious, here!:
TTimescales
A tragic cutting short of a budding romance. A confession of time travel and incurable disease. What was left behind. An instant, a lifetime, millions of years. Three timescales. Two timelines. One love story.
Bicyclette ·
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357 views
