Dead Cells - The Caballus Conundrum

Equestria - canterlot castle: 700 years before the return of nightmare moon:(ya i know it's the third time we see this headline, but bear with me with this, its all plot relevant.)

It was a very peaceful night in the city of canterlot: ponies went to sleep after a hard working day, the streets were all most empty; with only some few patrolling guards and of course the few bat ponies that lived in canterlot doing either night shifts in their jobs or just having some fun. But far from the city streets, in canterlot castle, one bat pony royal guard (the only bat pony royal guard) was beginning her first shift in the guard; after so much hard time just to being except.

She was a bat pony mare (of course) with a coat color of dark blue with a strong grey stripes around her body. But she was not a full bat pony. No she was an half breed of a bat pony with an a all most extinct subspecies of ponies... The shadow ponies.

Many in equestria see shadow ponies as bad omens or monsters; do to the bad history that their name came with. (thanks to a certain villain with a great concept, but bad, so bad execution.), but in reality they are no difference between the shadow ponies and the equestrian ponies. They all can do the same things, but the only differences they have is that: shadow ponies have no cutie marks and they have a better control with dark magic. (but we came to hear a story and not the profiling of another pony subspecies.)

Anyway. The name of this certain half breed royal guard mare recruit, was Noctra. And while she was preparing for her first night on the job, she never imagined it will change her life forever, but will it be good? Or bad? Only time will tell. (bad it will be bad.)

"Take a deep breath Noctra. It was a long ride getting hare, but you are now a member of the royal guard. And every action we make will be to improve the worldview of bat ponies in the land... No pressure." Noctra said to herself in the mirror to calm down. (it did not work.)

After her bad attempt to calm down, Noctra began to put her custom made royal guard armor. While it was tradition for the color of the royal guard armor to be gold, celestia ordered a dark blue version with some alterations to the design; for her bat pony figure. (fun fact, this armor is the proto version of what luna's night guard will use 700 years from now.) after putting on the armor and her family heirloom she got from her father, a shadow amulet that amplify the power of shadow magic, and a standard issue bat ponies curved sword. Noctra was ready to begin her first patrol.

Exiting the guard barracks, she went to report to Guard Captain longsword (who chose her to become a royal guard to begin with), she open the door to longsword's room and with a salute she said, "Captain longsword, this is recruit royal guard Noctra, reporting for duty sir!"

But then she notice, he was not in his room. "That's strange, Captain longsword said he will give me a short briefing." while Noctra was trying to think of a good reason why Captain longsword was not in his room. A very large explosion came from the royal garden...... (nothing happened).

(I said, A VERY LARGE EXPLOSION CAME FROM THE ROYAL GARDEN!!!).

(large explosion sounds... Thank you!, i am working with amateurs. Anyway back to the story).

"What was that!" Noctra said with an alarming voice.

She started to fly to the direction of the gardens to see what happened, and when she got there she saw something beyond explanation. More then 30 royal guardsponies covering the hallway to the garden. Some of them where hiding behind the columns, some of them where inside holes in the walls and the rest where just on the floor. "What, what happened here?" Noctra asked herself while moving around the wounded unconscious bodies of her fellow guards.

"I don't get it. Who ever did this could kill all of them, why leave them alive?"

"Because i asked him not to kill anypony." a voice said further in the hallway.

Noctra turn and she saw princess celestia, limping to the hallway with a guardspony helping her. (it was the veteran guardspony from before.)

"Princess celestia!" Noctra yelled while running to celestia, but was stopped by the guardspony that was helping celestia.

"What do you think you are doing recruit!. You are in front of her royal highness princess celestia, act like one of her guards, not like somepony from the countryside!"

Noctra then stopped running and said to them while bowing her head, "i'm so sorry sir, your highness. Please forgive me!"

"It's fine, my little pony. We have a bigger problem at this moment, and we need your help with it." celestia said to Noctra in the most calm way she can; while all so hiding her huge amount of pain.

"Of course i will help, this is why i joined the royal guard."

"Thank you, young Noctra." celestia said to her with a smile. "Sergeant can you go help the other guards while i explain the situation to Noctra."

"Yes your highness." the veteran guardspony said to celestia. "Ok all of you, get your lazy flanks up now!"

Celestia and Noctra were both amazed by how just from the veteran's order every guard got up. (all so the unconscious guards... Some how.)

"When this is all over i think i am going to give this guard a promotion. Noctra do you know the name of this Pegasi?"

"Yes, i think his name his FireTurret."

"Sergeant FireTurret, i will remember that."

(another fun fact, Sergeant FireTurret is one of the ancestors of wonderbolts captain Spitfire. The more you know.)

"Now Noctra i need you to go and help Captain longsword as long as you can, can you do that?"

"You can count on me princess, but what exactly happened to begin with?"

"Well it all started when..."

(flashback transition sound)

Canterlot castle - gardens (what happened during the first act of this chapter):

"(I know i promised not to kill anyone and i will but, i am going to teach your guards to be... More polite.)"

He then reached for his backpack and from it he grabbed a very large Broadsword.

"(Now then, who's first.)"

The garden was all most quiet, with the only sound there was came from the cold air of that dark night. Both the royal guardsponies and The Beheaded were ready to battle, the question is who will make the first move. (i think we all know who will make the first move.)

Captain longsword and The Beheaded looked like they were ready to kill each other. When Captain longsword then said ,"royal guard, for the prin..." but before Captain longsword could finish his words, The Beheaded vanish leaving only dust where he stood.

"What just happened?" said the young guardspony.

"Find him, he used magic to teleport from here, there must be some trace of magic we can use to find him!" Captain longsword said to his guardsponies.

"Captain longsword!" celestia yelled calling her captain.

"Yes princess celestia."

"You need to order your guards back to the castle and apologize to my guest, now!"

"Apologize!, i will not apologize for doing my job."

"That was not a request longsword, that was an order and you will do WHAT YOUR PRINCESS COMMANDS YOU TO DO!" celestia yelled at Captain longsword with her royal canterlot voice.

While princess celestia and Captain longsword were yelling at each other. Above them at one of the many castle rooftops The Beheaded was looking at them while eating. (and yes it was a baguette)

"(Wow, that princess needs to have a better captain. My hand of the king was loyal to the end, even when he tried to kill me, but to be fair that was when he thought i was just some prison trash. But at least he followed my orders and not argue with the one he serve. If this keeps up she will have an attempt on her big horse ass.)"

Bobby was thinking while eating his baguette, and then an idea got to his head. He then grabbed his Broadsword and he jumped from the roof while standing on the Broadsword's blade and holding the hilt, while doing this he started to yell, "(LEEROY!!!)"

(back at the ground with celestia and the guards)

While the guards where watching their guard captain and princess at each other's throats. The young guardspony started to hear a very strange heavy whooshing sounds from somewhere. He then looked up and his face started to pale with terror.

"Cap, cap, cap, CAPTAIN!" the young guardspony yelled with full voice.

"What is it guardspony!"

"ABOVE US!"

Then captain longsword, celestia and the rest of the guardsponies all looked up and like the young guardspony before them their faces started to pale in terror. But only celestia could hear what Bobby was yelling in the sky, and it was some sort of strange battle cry.

"(JENKINS!!!)"

Then the huge slab that was the Broadsword's blade hit the ground in such force that it caused a very large explosion that made all the guards fly with force in to the castle.

"(Nailed it.)" bobby said while returning his Broadsword back to his backpack.

He then turn to celestia, (with a big "what the hell just happened" face). Then he grabbed her by the face with both of his hands and said to her, "(Do you trust me?)"

"Yes i trust you."

"(Ok, good. Then let me just say i am very sorry.)"

"Sorry about what?" celestia asked bobby, only to receive a punch to the face that made her unconscious.

"(Good, now then.)" bobby said while entering the huge hole in the wall and was searching for something or someone OR somepony.

Bobby then found captain longsword, coughing inside a pile of rubble. Longsword was starting to open his eyes and in front of him was the strange monster with the burning head, only this time he was getting something else from his backpack.

After like two seconds, bobby grabbed from his backpack his Wrenching Whip and looked very close at captain longsword and even if he could not hear him. Bobby then said, "(Time to teach you some manners, punk.)"

(end of flashback)

Canterlot castle - throne room:

The canterlot castle throne room, this room was the center of the equestrian government. Here upon her throne of sunlight. Celestia meets with foreign leaders, ambassadors and even the nobles of her kingdom to conduct negotiates and other forms business to improve nation relations.

But now that is not the case. For this night this proud room of royalty is a battleground between the captain of the royal guard and their worst nightmare, a headless comic relief character with a strong bloodlust and an appreciation for french cuisine. (oh, l'horreur. That's french for - oh, the horror.)

(anyway.)

At the throne room a loud sound of the door being open was heard and from the doors the Noctra entered with force, "captain longsword i came to help... You..." she said very slowly. Because before her eyes the entire throne room was in a complete mess. But what was more shocking was that her captain, longsword. He was tied with a Whip and next to him was the monster, a headless monster with a burning head and blueish skin. The monster was sitting on celestia's throne while holding a sword in one hand and in the second hand was some sort of a blue ball. And with one leg stepping on longsword's head.

Noctra saw him, all menacing like he came from tartarus its self. And she was wondering what a monster like that was thinking in his twisted mind.

"(What the hell, is that a pony that's looks like a bat... I want to hold it!)" (so much for "a menacing monster" don't you think.)

"Release captain longsword at once!"

Bobby looked at Noctra and then at the pony under his feet. Then he shrug his shoulders and released the captain. He return the Wrenching Whip to his backpack and kicked longsword from the high spot next to the throne to the floor. (like a Boss.)

"Captain!" Noctra cried as she run to him.

"Noctra, what are you doing here?"

"I am here to help you."

"Don't. Just run. That thing is beyond anything we faced before."

"All do respect sir, celestia asked me to help and i'm not going to disappoint her. Now, i will take care of this monster."

Noctra then went to the throne only to see the monster taking out of is backpack: bread, cheese, vegetables, fruits, meats and a cake.

"Are you making a picnic?"

He nodded with his head and handed her some sugar cubes.

"Thank you, i think. Oh by the way celestia used that telepathy magic on me so i can hear you as well."

"(Oh nice. Well don't just stand there eat something.)"

"Ok then."

In her mind it was insane. She was expecting a battle against a monster, but instead she was getting a free dinner.

"I don't get it!" Noctra said while holding a fruit salad.

"(What?)"

"I was thinking we will be fighting!, not having a night picnic!"

"(Look where i come from its kill or be killed, so this is more of a vacation for me.)" bobby said while biting his sandwich.

"So why did you attacked the guards and the princess?"

"(Hey!, they attack first. And i punched... What was her name celestia. Well i punched her to not break her authority.)"

"I don't get it."

"(Look. When your ruler and her captain of the guard don't stop yelling at each other, it is not a good look to have. So... I give them a new problem to focus on.)"

"Hold on!, you risked your life just to solve a problem that was not your concern."

"(Yeah pretty much.)"

"You could got hurt or worse!"

"(Nope, not gonna happened.)"

"How can you tell."

"(Bitch, i'm immortal. I can't die. Trust me on that. But keep it a secret for now.)"

"Sure... So what you gonna do now?"

"(Well, i have a job to do in this world can't really get in detailed about it. But i think i will leave see this world a bit before doing my job, its a good change of scenery.)"

"Perhaps i can help you." a very familiar voice said to them.

Both Bobby and Noctra turn their heads to see celestia with some strange six jewels with her.

"(Yo princess flying horse, what's with the jewels.)"

"Show some respect to the princess or i will cut you."

"(No you won't, if i want i can kill all of you. The reason i don't is that i find you ponies surprisingly funny.)"

"Forget about that for now. But bobby how about you work for me as one of my spies."

"Your name is bobby?"

"(Hold that thought for a moment bat horse. You want me to work for you as a spy. Why?)"

"You said you came here for a job and the best way to get information is to visit other kingdoms. So if you work for me as a spy you can find information about that job of yours and information that i need its a win win."

"(You have a point.)"

"So, do we have a deal?"

"(Sure why not. But only if the bat horse joins me.)"

"What, you can't ask the princess for that." Noctra said to bobby.

"Very well then. Both you and Noctra will be our new spies."

"WHAT!, do i have a say in this."

"No."
"(No.)"

Both celestia and bobby said to Noctra.

"Oh fine, but i am calling the shots."

"(Sure have fun with it. Now can we finish this dinner.)"

"How lovely is that cake. I really love cake." celestia said like a child.

"Hey don't eat my fruit salad." Noctra said while running to her food.

Before bobby return to the food he saw longsword on the ground and out of pity, he grabbed him from the floor and put him next to celestia and handed him a salad.

"Oh... Thanks. Sorry about the whole kill the monster thing back there."

Bobby just did a "forget about it." gesture with his hands and open a bottle of wine for all of them.

(and they ate dinner like nothing happened. Again kinda anticlimactic but wholesome.)

Over the next five years both Noctra and bobby were sent to spy missions for princess celestia. But all most no one in the castle knew who bobby was with the exception of celestia, Noctra, longsword and the two guardsponies (FireTurret and his young partner named buckshot.)

But after the long five years a new group of recruits came to the castle and celestia was thinking about a new way to test them. And that test involved her special headless friend.

(god have mercy on their souls.)