Knock Knock Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door. Wait a Minute, This Isn’t Heaven. Where’s my Refund?
Anon sat up with a start, phantom pain of his demise flooding his senses and causing him to wince. And then he blinked and it was gone. He stood up from where he was sitting with a groan and proceeded to take a gander at the scenery, blinking in confusion at the otherworldly nature of it all.
Anon felt strange, as if he was lighter. He looked down at his ghostly hand and-
“Holy shit I’m fucking dead, bro.” He gaped.
It was true. The green human has found himself with a mean case of the dead-y.
Anon was a man of very... few talents. But he’d like to imagine not fucking dying to be one of them. Something about plot connivence or whatever that floating, milk dud loving, banana shell eating, ‘God of Chaos’ kept spouting on about.
But it seems that not even being the main character could stop magic cancer. Huh, strange. He could remember how he died, but not the memory of it.
He continued to look at his semitransparent fingers, flexing them in awe. And then Anon touched himself, but like, very un-sexually; and in his findings... *GASP* He realized he was ethereal.
He plunged his finger through his skull a few times before the sound of someone clearing their throat met his ears.
“Human.”
Anon whirled around with a “Wahza?”
And there, in the misty clouds of the afterlife, stood a being black as night and dark as death. Or was it the other way around? It’s face was shrouded by a hood, it’s quadruped stature easily dwarfing Anon’s bipedal one.
It stood there menacingly.
“Your time. It has come.” The feminine voice that came from the creature was smoky, and pierced Anon’s very soul.
He blinked, his eyes making contact with the large scythe balanced on the creature’s side. He shivered.
That scythe... could it be... that Death was here? Obviously he’d have to treat this revelation with the utmost care.
“Yo Death!? H-holy fuck Is that you, nigga?” He sputtered out.
The creature—which Anon assumed to be a female horse personification of the grim reaper or something—nodded, “Yes Anonymous. ‘Tis I! The Grim Reaper, here to guide your soul to the afterlife!”
She seemed... really excited.
Anon looked around, “Wait. Uh, this isn’t the afterlife?”
She shook her head.
“No. ‘Tis just the waiting room.”
Anon nodded, scratching his head. “Cool, cool.” He cocked his head. “Say... am I going to the big pearly gates? Or...” He gestured towards the ground a few times, an eyebrow quirked with inquiry.
Death opened her mouth to speak but coughed as the cloudy vapour that shrouded her ended up in her lungs. She swiped the Smokey vapour away, revealing herself some more.
“*COUGH!* Bucking... stupid smog! Who keeps burning that style of incense? I can’t stand it! Augh. I can’t breath in this thing...”
She took of her hood with a growl. Anon took note that the hood, and maybe even the robe, was too big on her, appearing baggy as if to give the illusion of a bulky frame.
“Bucking... stupid, glorified bathrobe...” She grumbled with a shake of her head.
Anon was taken aback for a moment. He was almost certain that this pony was... someone he already knew.
Where had he seen that horn before?
’No, it couldn't be.’
Anon cleared his throat, “You uh... you good?”
She nodded and began to slowly walk towards him, the scythe hovering next to her in a dark blue aura, “Yes, thank you for the concern, Sir Anonymous.”
’Sir Anonymous.’
Anon blinked in surprise, there was only one pony who called him that.
“...Luna?” He was befuddled, what was she doing here?
Luna froze, and to Anon the visual of her ears flattening paired with the audible squeak of surprise leaving her mouth nearly made him ‘dawww’ out loud. But he’s a man, damnit! They get physical and use head pats like true warriors!
Despite that, Anon decided against getting close enough to deploy the pets, he felt like she’d depart his arm from his shoulder if he tried. And Anon wouldn't want such a stable relationship between the two to undergo an involuntary divorce.
That and he also liked the hands which connected to said arms, I mean how else was he supposed to make obscene gestures at the ATF?
Back to Luna, who was looking very nervous as she shuffled in place, allowed a crooked and very fake smile to stretch across her lips.
“P-princess Luna? What art thou speaking of? We hath never heard of her!”
Anon just gave her a cheeky smile. “Yeah. I never mentioned Luna being a princess, doofus.” He crossed his arms smugly, as if to say ‘checkmate, filthy casual.’
Her face burned with embarrassment, her snout scrunching up adorably. “W-we just a-assumed! Luna; tis such a regal and prestigious sounding name, no? Tis only natural for us to think them a Princess!”
Anon deadpanned, a hand meeting his face. He pinched his nose at Luna’s blatant show of vanity towards herself.
“I’m starting to believe that smoke was used just to blow it up your own ass.” He muttered.
Luna growled and stomped on the ground like a child, she began to shout “How dare thee!?” But her voice cracked with a squeak, she cleared her throat before deciding to up the volume, “MOTHER GAVE US THAT NAME, AND MOTHER KNOWS BEST! TIS A WONDROUS NAME! APOLOGIZE!” She roared.
Anon winced at her yelling but still gave her a shit eating grin. Too easy, dark pony.
...
Shit wait, that sounded wrong.
He shook his head and pointed at Luna accusingly, “Ah hah! So you admit it! Wow, you’re too easy Lulu.”
Luna recoiled and seemed to get more embarrassed, but her eyes quickly narrowed as she growled at him.
“Enough! We art not easy! We art HARD!”
Anon burst out laughing.
Luna started to fume as the embarrassment began to tinge her ears a soft red.
“STOP MAKING FUN OF US!” She began with another stomp, “ELSE WE TELL MOTHER ON THEE!”
Anon smacked his knee as he laughed, managing to respond in between his bouts of giggles with...
“Or what? *Snrk* What is your momma gonna do? Smite me?”
Anon was then swiftly struck by a lightning bolt and set on fire.
He screamed.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!-“
And he continued to scream as he rolled around on the floor, attempting to put out the fire that covered his entire back.
“OH GOD STOP IT, STOP IT! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!!!” His voice squeaked in horror.
Luna giggled in glee like the psycho that she is, trying to contain her deeper laughter as she spoke to him.
“S-sir Anonymous, thou are already d-*snrk* dead. Thine body is not able to feel pain.”
“AAaaaaaaaa?” Anon’s screaming tapered off as he blinked. She was right, he didn’t feel anything, the fire didn’t even burn through his clothes.
Now his face was red as he stood back up, the fire licking at his back harmlessly. His face scrunched up in a embarrassed scowl as Luna burst out into hysterical laughter.
“Hey! Stop laughing, this isn’t funny!”
Luna doubled down as she noticed that the fire had now spread to his head, falling to the floor, the scythe following next to her as she continued to howl with laughter.
“Bitch I’ll cut you!”
Luna ignored him and began to heave, holding her sides in pain, her giggles kicking at her chest and making it difficult to breath.
“HAH ha ha!- Ow, ow our sides! Thou should’ve seen the look on thine’s face!”
She contained her laughter for a moment—though her smile, she did not contain even the slightest—and began to wave her hooves around in mock terror, mimicking a baby crying.
“Waaah! Waaaah—Tis thee by the way—Waaaaaaaah!”
She dropped the act and began wheezing.
Anon looked way sulking. “...It’s not that funny.” He muttered.
He was still on fire.
“Hey can you put me out?” He tapped his foot impatiently.
Luna’s giggles continued for a few minutes before finally tapering off.
She hummed with a half chuckle. “We don’t know. Perhaps after an apology?”
He scoffed.
“Get bent, shaft head.”
“Burn eternal then, green menace!”
Anon whirled around to look at Luna, who was now in the process of standing up. “Menace? Your mom’s the one who set me on fire!”
She shrugged and gave him a dark grin. “Perhaps next time thou should not ‘talk that smack’ on mine name then. Thou didst that to thine self.”
He glared at her.
She rolled her eyes and lit up her horn. “Fine, we suppose thou hast suffered enough.”
Anon groaned at her once the flames disappeared. “Hey... can you like, knock it off with the Shakespeare?”
She cocked her head. “Shake... what was that?”
Anon seized, and like a sleeper agent programmed to spout 4Chan fuckery, his brain short circuited and caused him to blurt out the first response he had.
“Shake your booty! HAH HA! G-got... em.”
Anon then paled at her violent stare.
“Uh... y-you can just Ignore that.” He chuckled nervously.
“I already have, human.” She deadpanned.
“A-ah, right. As I was saying; can you talk, y’know, normally?” He crossed his arms.
She rolled her eyes. “Thoust mean modern, yes?”
He nodded.
She sighed. “Perhaps. Tell us, how does this sound?” She cleared her throat.
“Yo yo yo! Whuz poppin’ my fellow night lovin’ brotha?” She tossed what looked like gang signs up into the air with her magic.
“I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.” Anon said in a small voice.
How did she know what human gang signs were?!
“Oh don’t hate me cuz’ I’m beautiful-“
Anon pointed at her, “I’m gonna stop you right there. Fucking... tone it back, dog.”
Luna let out a long sigh along with an eye roll. “Fine. Don’t let me have my fun then.”
He let out a breath of relief. “Thank you.” He smiled.
And then he clicked his tongue. “So...” He trailed off, “Heaven or hell?”
Luna tilted her head. “Are you asking if you’re designated for Paradise or Tartarus?”
Anon nodded.
“Oh, straight to Tartarus. The deepest part of Tartarus.” She nodded.
He went deathly pale.
And then she let out three boisterous laughs. “Just kidding! You’re actually coming back to life.”
He sighed, “Oh thank god- wait what?”
She shrugged. “Oh yes, believe it or not, you are not dead! That so called “Magic cancer” you thought was killing you was really just a bad case of magic overflow.”
Anon blinked.
“...Huh?”
Luna nodded. “Oh yes, you were simply suffering from an overabundance in your magic reserves. You never released any of the excess magic you were carrying which led to an overdose, so now you’re laying in the horsepital comatose!“
“...Huh!?”
“Oh don’t act so surprised. Twilight had warned you about that fact a few days before your body had gone unconscious due to the build up in your system.”
“...”
Anon cleared his throat. “I uh... can’t remember.”
She blinked in surprise. “Oh! So you really did gain some brain damage after that! Huh, sister was right!”
“I’m sorry what?” His eyes bulged.
Luna just waved a hoof nonchalantly, “Oh just some memory loss, nothing more. I can restore it, if you’d like?”
He paused for a moment before nodding.
Then his head cocked to the side. “But... then what was with the whole death get up?” But then his eyes narrowed, “Hey wait a minute! If I’m dreaming then that means you were the one that struck me with lightning-”
“Oh would you look at that, all restored!” She cut him off as she activated her horn.
And thus, his memories returned.
“Just got tested positive for being the realest mf alive...” Anon mumbled drunkly, taking a swig of alcohol.
Twilight growled, a migraine rapidly spreading across her face. She was currently wearing one of her lab coats with a clipboard in her free hoof.
“Anon, for the last time. You have four days before the magic in your system forces your body to undergo a forced shut down, where you will stay unconscious as your body attempts to alleviate the excess magic inside! Why don’t you just allow me to help you like I did last time?!”
Anon growled. “I don’t like how it feels!”
“You don’t like how it feels?!”
He nodded, “Makes me feel gooey.”
“...”
“...Gooey?”
He nodded. “Gooey.”
Twilight took multiple deep breaths, “I cannot in good faith allow you to do this to yourself, as your friend, I will get that excess magic out of your body with or without your consent.” She growled.
Anon frowned. “I’ll tell your teacher that you’re trying to molest me.”
Twilight sputtered in horror. “W-what?! I would never!”
Anon harrumphed. “I’ll tell her that you took advantage of this poor drunk human for your own sick twisted desires! How do you like them apples doc?”
Twilight grumbled, “I am not a doctor...”
Anon pointed at her and stumbled a bit. “You gotta follow the- *hick* hypothetical oath or whatever! Or else you’re a bad, bad pony doctor...” He trailed off before falling off the table he stood on.
Twilight watched with twitching eyes as Anon began to snore, “Y’know what?” she smiled, “Fine, I’ll let you figure it out on your own. Until then;“
She decided to pull out some parchment to write to her teacher with.
“I’m just going to make sure you don’t die once you end up in the horsepital.”
She began to write.
Anon coughed as if he was at death’s door. Well, probably because he was.
“Anon-“
His finger went to Twilight’s lips, shutting her up.
“Shhh shhh, don’t speak. There was nothing more you could’ve done.” Anon coughed once more, his skin pale and his nose runny.
Twilight scowled. “Actually-”
“Oh Nonney, this is terrible!” Cried Pinkie Pie as she wrapped her hooves around him, whimpering into his chest. “What cruel sickness could possible take you away so soon?!” She wailed.
She was pulled away by a sniffling Rarity. “Now now dear, we don’t want to upset Anon now.” Her lips quivered. “Oh who am I kidding? I feel as though I’m about to collapse from my inability to do anything!” She cried as she buried her snout into Pinkie’s hair.
Anon shook his head. “Don’t blame yourselves, no one could have seen this coming-“
“I saw this coming you bucking-” “Anon!” Twilight was interrupted by an uncharacteristically loud Fluttershy, her eyes brimming with tears as she sat at the edge of his bed.
“It’s to soon for you to go.” She croaked as her head landed beside one his legs, nuzzling it pathetically.
Anon shook his head sadly at her, a hand slowly patting the top of her head. “...We’ll meet each other again, Fluttershy.”
Twilight rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Probably tomorrow you absolute-“
And then another voice chimed in. “...We still haven’t gone on that race yet, dude.”
Rainbow Dash had stood over him silently for the past few minutes, only breaking her silence to mumble those words to him.
Anon nodded, smiling weakly.
“Sorry Dash.” He began, his sad eyes causing the rainbow Pegasus’s own to mist up.
“Looks like we won’t get to have that race...”
Rainbow’s shoulders shook as she sunk to the nearest chair.
“Oh for the love of Celestia, are you serious?” Twilight mumbled.
Anon ignored Twilight, eyes looking past her to spot a certain farm mare who had been standing in silence at the corner of the room.
“Applejack.” The human sighed and began coughing again, which seemed to make the mare move closer to him.
“...Anon?” She inquired softly once she’d gotten close enough to stand over him, Her hat was perched on her head, covering her eyes. It did nothing to cover the shakiness in her voice.
“It’s too late for me.” Anon stated with a shake of his head.
Applejack flinched as if she’d been struck.
Anon grasped at her. “I can feel it.” His eyes looked at the ceiling. “My time... it has come, AJ.”
“D-don’t say that, Sugarcube.” She whispered.
The man took a deep breath. “I need you to do one last thing for me.”
“Anything.” She whispered, her hoof coming up to hold onto the hand he had used to grab her.
Anon opened his eyes to look back at her, still not being able to see her eyes due to the hat. “...I need you to look under my bed for a basket of magazines,” He began before taking another deep breath, “A-after I’m gone I’m gonna need you to take those magazines—and burn them. Burn them all. Do you understand?”
She nodded stiffly.
Anon felt a burning sensation and he seized.
“G-goodbye, AJ.” He hiccuped. “Goodbye everyone.”
And then his hand fell from her hoof, his eyes closing and his head tilting to the side.
The wails from a few of the mares filled the room. Horror struck the others.
Except Twilight. She just glared at Anon.
Rainbow Dash stared at Anon numbly, muttering a “No.” to herself before she locked onto Applejack’s stilled frame, who continued to gaze at Anon’s frozen form.
“A-applejack?” She croaked.
Applejack lifted her hooves to her hat and adjusted it.
“It’s a terrible day for rain.” She said, looking up at the ceiling.
Rainbow Dash looked out the window and then back to Applejack “W-what do you mean? It’s not raining.”
Dash’s ears flattened as two streaks of tears fell from Applejack’s hidden eyes.
“Yes, it is.”
Anon blinked at Luna as the memory of him in the hospital bed saying goodbye to his friends faded. He quickly cringed from embarrassment.
“...So I gave that whole heartfelt goodbye to the girls for nothing?”
“Yep.” Luna replied with a nod.
Anon hissed through his teeth and bit his lip.
“Oh shit, I’ve done goofed.”
Luna nodded. “You most certainly have.”
Anon gulped, backing up away from Luna who began to approach him with a grin.
“...Hey, can we stay here for a little bit longer?” He held his hands up in a ‘I surrender’ kind of gesture.
“Nope.” She shook her head, “You’re waking up now.” She grabbed him by his collar.
“...”
She lit up her horn a final time.
Anon sighed.
“Fuck.”
Some very angry faces met his gaze on the other side.
Author's Note
Kept you waiting, huh?
I hope everyone’s day or night is full of splendour. Just pretend I extended high-fives to each and everyone of you. Party on you funky babies. 🎸
