Making Equestria Something or Other Again
The smell of paint drying far too slowly on this cold but sunny morning would normally be enough to shake anyone out of a stupor. However, this was absolutely not true for one Mayor Meyer Mare as she blearily stumbled up the steps of the source of paint-stench: a rebuilt train platform.
She nearly tripped over herself before Raven Inkwell, her longtime assistant and confidante, rushed to prop her up and help her across the landing where a dais had been set up for a standard executive speech.
“Meyer, you… really don’t look well,” said Raven, trying to keep her boss upright while adjusting her own glasses and blowing an errant lock of mane out of her face.
The mayor groaned. “Of course I’m not okay. I’m hung over as all hell. The sunlight’s hurting my eyes and my sinuses want to murder me.”
“Cold?” Raven asked.
Meyer’s breath hung in the air as she said, “Maybe.”
“Regardless, you still have to give some kind of speech to open the new train station,” Raven whispered as they slowly approached the dais, below which a few dozen of Ponyville’s citizens had gathered. “It’s part of your job. The easiest part, in fact.”
The mayor allowed herself to let go of Raven and grabbed the edge of the dais before she could fully lose her balance. As she stood before the small assemblage, squinting as she attempted to focus her vision beyond what her half-rimmed bifocals could do, she involuntarily shuddered before turning to Raven and whispering, “Is it just me, or do they seem angrier than usual?”
Raven scanned the crowd, nodded, but then shrugged as she tapped the dais, her way of telling Meyer to get on with it.
Mayor Mare cleared her throat before looking down at her notes to begin her speech. Upon realizing she had no notes, she rolled her eyes in resignation before winging it.
“Okay,” she began. “So, here we are, at the brand newly rebuilt and refurbished Ponyville Station. I’m honestly not sure just how many times the old place was blown up, torn apart, or ripped into a void of non-reality. Hopefully we’ll have better luck with this place. City Hall is, um, still looking for a new stationmaster since Time-Keeper took early retirement and relocated to Falabella Nightingale’s Happy Home for… what was it?… right, Shell-Shocked Ponies. So, if you don’t have anything better to do, you can apply. Or something. Help out our community. A nice train station is a fixture of a nice town, or something like that, and I am thankful for the donations that came in from viewe- uh, locals like you to supplement our ‘Disaster’ budget to get this place built even with everything else that laid us flat over the past year. May the Princesses continue to bless Ponyville and Equestria and, uh, stuff. Thank you and goodnight.”
“It’s morning,” hissed Raven.
“Morning!” the mayor corrected herself. “Sorry, I have trouble with the sky sometimes.”
Just then a stallion raised his hoof as if he were in a classroom and Meyer the teacher. His expression was one of distinct foulness. This caused the mayor to cock her head in confusion.
“Can I… help you?” she asked. “I’m pretty sure you’re not the press.”
The stallion shook his head no. “I’m not one of those fake-news ponies. I’m a taxpayer. A real Equestrian. And you need to explain yourself,” he snipped.
“No I don’t,” retorted the mayor before immediately reversing herself. “Actually wait, maybe I do. What’d I do this time?”
“That!” he gestured to Equus Mountain in the distance, home to Canterlot and the Princesses. “Chancellor Orangeglow is in the capital facing a sham trial before Princess Celestia throws him in jail! And YOU helped put him there!”
At that, Mayor Mare blinked a few times. Of all the questions she wasn’t expecting, this was the most out of left-field. Still, she briefly rubbed her forehead to dull the pain before answering.
“As a seasoned politician, it behooves me to give you an answer. But because I don’t care and am literally three steps away from vomiting, I’m just gonna tell you the truth. That soon-to-be-ex-Chancellor Orangeglow and I did not get along is no secret. But I have a question for you, sir. How can you defend him?”
“Chancellor Orangeglow was just trying to make Equestria great again!” shouted some dumpy mare in the back row who wore a gold-coloured bandana.
Mayor Mare raised her eyebrow. She addressed the assembled crowd directly. “Is that why all of you are here? To gripe at me about Orangeglow?”
“YES!!” nearly every pony screamed. The ones who did not, mostly background ponies who make a habit of showing up to mayoral speeches plus some government employees, backed away slowly.
Raven and the mayor looked at each other.
“This is new,” Raven said as quietly as possible, a twinge of concern in her voice. “What do we do?”
With a resigned sigh, Mayor Mare replied just as softly, “I’m still way too hung over to care. They’ll get it straight from the horse’s mouth, if you will.”
“Well??” snipped the stallion from before.
Mayor Mare levelled her eyes at him. Her voice took on a less singsong, slightly deeper timbre as she threw whatever was left of her decorum onto the nearby railroad tracks. “Were you there?” she demanded of him bluntly.
He replied with an annoyed, “What do you mean?”
“You’ve not met Orangeglow face-to-face, right?” she queried. “Sure, maybe you went to one of his gatherings held during the Blue-Flu outbreak, but never dealt with him professionally. I have. At least three times. It was never a pleasant experience. You’re defending a chancellor who came to this town, our town, to steal land under Royal protection so he could build an outdoor prison for non-ponies he didn’t like. He tried to have my friend, our most skilled herbalist, run out because she’s a zebra. He pretended to build a wall along our border with the Crystal Empire. He literally corrupted at least a quarter of the Royal Guards to try and overthrow the princesses!“
“Nuh-uh!” one of the ponies in the crowd retorted. “Fake news!”
“It’s not fake news!” the mayor almost screamed, then put a hoof to her forehead for a bit because the loudness of her own voice made her brain hurt. “I saw and/or heard from him every last thing I just told you. He also tried to have me arrested without cause. Twice.”
“Yeah well maybe you deserve it! Maybe you deserve to lose your job and go to Tartarus instead!”
The mayor, catching Raven off-guard, busted out laughing.
“Oh my word, she’s finally lost it,” Raven mumbled to herself.
Once Meyer calmed down, she continued. “Try it! Try to kick me out of my job! Six years ago I tried every way I could to get myself fired. Didn’t stick! Princess Celestia wants me in this job so that’s that. Do you idiots have any clue how much I would rather be back in the Crystal Empire drinking myself into a coma? DO YOU?? No! I. Am. Tired. For over a decade I’ve had to fix disaster after disaster, beg and plead with the Imperial Senate for funding to keep Ponyville running and not crashing in on itself, probably literally! Yes, I suck at my job. But I really doubt any of you yahoos could do it any better. Even if you could, like I said, the powers that be want me here. So we’re stuck with each other. Orangeglow’s fat flank is getting sent to Tartarus later today and there’s nothing any one us can do about it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed back to my office to eat something and try to nurse my hangover. Thank you.”
With Raven’s help, the mayor left her post and headed toward the side-stairs. The small mob tried to rush her but were instantly stopped in their tracks. More precisely, they were stopped in a bubble summoned by a deep-voiced draconequus.
“I must say, Meyer, that was one of the best speeches you’ve ever given,” he said, slowly applauding as he drank a milk of glass.
Mayor Mare rolled her eyes. “Discord. How convenient.”
“Is it?” he asked, not facetiously. “You know I like trains. I also relish messing with the willingly mentally infirm. And, much as you may not want to believe it, I’ve taken a liking to you and your lady-friend here. I can say, Scout’s Honour, that every princess believes Ponyville is in good hooves with you around.”
“Thanks,” said Mayor Mare flatly.
“Um, Discord?” Raven began to ask, “How come you’re not in Canterlot for Orangeglow’s trial?”
Discord’s eyes widened as if Raven had sprouted a second head. “Why would I need—? Hold on.”
He levitated the bubble full of angry ponies and, with a flick of his wrist, sent it hurtling at absurd velocity south toward the Equestrian Badlands. Mayor Mare, Raven, and the few remaining ponies looked on in not-disapproving silence.
“Anyway, where was I?” he continued. “Oh. Right. The trial. Well, all I did was conspire with Granny Smith to trick the chancellor into revealing everything in a way that could be recorded and shared with a tribunal. My work is… le done. Besides, the Senate doesn’t like me, not that I can really blame them after I convinced Viscount Autumnbottom he was a cat, which he isn’t, and he spent the next week stuck in a tree. In my defense, I didn’t know he could climb that high. So, yeah, my presence would be a distraction and might spur the Senate not to convict Orangeglow.”
Mayor Mare nodded. “Okay. That’s a good point.”
“Discord,” said Raven as nicely as she could. “You’re insane.”
He smiled. “Why, thank you, Miss Inkwell. But! Mayhaps we have it backwards? That I am in fact the sane one and it is the world itself that is, for lack of a better word, nuts?”
The two mares both shook their heads no. Discord shrugged.
“Well… Okay, yes, the world is also insane,” Raven admitted. “I learn that more and more with each passing year. And yes, as much as I try to be the voice of reason, I’m beginning to understand why Meyer is so through with everything. Even so, I want to keep helping her and Ponyville.”
“So noble.” Discord flicked away a tear. It exploded when it hit the ground.
As she and the mayor slowly walked down the path leading from the train station to City Hall, Raven glanced up to Discord, quietly hovering (literally) behind them.
“I guess there isn’t much point in asking if you’d like to join us. You’ll just do what you want,” said Raven, not angry but a tad weary.
“Y’know,” Mayor Mare suddenly spoke up. “If I’m gonna be honest with myself, I do want to know what’s happening at that trial.”
Discord perked up upon hearing that. “Well, ladies. Once you get to your office, perhaps we can arrange something…”
