Chapters Pharynx, The Change Gang, And This Freaking Alicorn
The Worst Love Story Since “Twilight”
“Eeeee! Oh my gosh, it’s really him!”
Pharynx cringed and gritted his teeth as an unpleasantly high-pitched squeal assaulted his ears, nearly causing him to drop his apple cider. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that the glass was still full and in one piece, before turning to look behind him.
He saw a trio of unicorn mares staring at him with shining eyes while their grins seemed to take up a disturbingly large portion of their faces. “Prince Pharynx!” the unicorn greeted with a squee. “We have heard sooooo much about you!”
“Ignore them, Pharynx,” Flutterwings quipped quietly, gritting her teeth and furrowing her brow at the sight. “They’re just trying to waste your time.”
“Yeah, tell them you’re taken!” Scorch agreed with a huff.
Pharynx sighed heavily. “Calm down, you two,” he said as he turned to his comrades. “They probably want something else .”
“But Pharynx-!” Flutterwings protested, only for a dark cyan hoof to briefly press against her mouth as Pharynx hesitantly trotted closer to the eager fangirls.
“So, ladies,” he began, clearing his throat as he did. “Can I… help you?”
“Eeee! He’s actually talking to us!” one of the earth ponies cheered, prancing up and down in place.
Pharynx resisted the urge to gag at the overjoyous gesture. “Er… do I have to ask again?”
“Oh no, of course not! We’ve just been looking all over for you!” the unicorn answered. “How has life at the hive been?”
“Uh… fine, I guess?” Pharynx’s eyes darted around the area, seeking for any sign of his younger brother amongst the crowds of well-dressed ponies. For some reason, he still had some hope that Tempest would possibly show up to the gala after all. Nonetheless, he turned back to the mares. “Why?”
The unicorn opened her mouth to answer, only to be unpleasantly pushed aside by one of her peers. “Ehehehe!” she giggled a little. “Don’t mind her , Prince Pharynx. Clearly, it’s none of her beeswax.”
“Clearly it’s none of your beeswax, either,” Pharynx muttered under his breath, turning his head away.
He tried trotting off in a random direction, only to be enveloped by a magical aura that kept him from departing. “You’re single , aren’t you?” one of the unicorns asked, getting all up in his face.
Pharynx cringed backward. “What?! No!” he spat bitterly. “I-I mean, I was—”
“Shhhh…” a hoof pressed up against his lips. “Relax, my prince,” she said. “Whoever you’re with, well, I’m sure they won’t mind. Or notice.”
Pharynx swallowed heavily as sweat began pouring down his face; he felt like he was about to vomit then and there.
The unicorn giggled, displaying the most flirty expression possible as she stood up on the tips of her hooves, in an attempt to reach up to his height. The other two unicorns began closing in on the changeling, with all three of them clearly ignoring his state of discomfort. “I’m sure nothing in Equestria will ever come in between us…” She smirked as she leaned forward and whispered into his ear;
“...Master.”
.
Scorch and Flutterwings galloped up to him. “You okay, Pharynx? We just saw you fleeing for your life back there,” the latter pointed out as soon as she approached him.
Pharynx looked over with an annoyed expression. “What’s it look like?”
“Like you had just run a marathon. Which you kinda had,” Scorch added awkwardly.
“Whatever… where are your little gang members at anyway?”
“They’re over at the chocolate fountain,” Flutterwings answered. “We’d show you, but I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t wanna see such a juvenile sight.”
“Forget it,” Pharynx deadpanned, rolling his eyes. “Anyone have any clue where my brother is currently residing?”
“Anywhere as long as the blue lizard lady is with him?” Scorch suggested.
“I honestly wouldn’t doubt that in the slightest,” the prince murmured in reply. “Though, I’ll give him this,” he added after a moment. “At least he was able to spend more than five minutes with his special somecreature.”
“Where is this Fizzberry Sodapop anyway?” Flutterwings wondered aloud.
“It’s Fizzlepop Berrytwist, Flutters,” Pharynx corrected, “and she prefers the name Tempest Shadow.”
Flutterwings blinked, holding back a snicker. “...I can see why. Dunno why I keep forgetting her real name though.”
“Whatever. You guys make sure your little clique doesn’t pull anything stupid, okay?”
“No promises.”
“What’s the matter, Phar? Still no sign of Tempest?”
“Apparently not,” Pharynx mumbled as he pressed the side of his head against the table. “I know I keep bringing this up, especially on a night like this, but I still don’t see the point in making her Twilight’s personal guard. I mean, Celestia has like—what, a hundred or even a thousand of those guys, and they’re only better at serving her than serving a purpose. Actually, no, they’re only capable of getting served by whatever they’re trying to deal with.”
Thorax turned to him, cluelessly raising a brow. “And what do Celestia’s guards have to do with Tempest and Twilight again?”
Pharynx lifted his head back up to stare his brother dead in the eye. “Assuming you weren’t cowering in a dumpster during the Canterlot invasion, you’ve seen Twilight put up a fight against some of our best changeling warriors. She shouldn’t need a personal guard.”
“Well, I see what you’re trying to say. Kinda,” Thorax admitted, before looking in a random direction and putting a forehoof to his chin. “Though, I do still remember seeing her encased along with the others in the throne room. You know, when we—”
“I know what happened, Thorax,” Pharynx cut him off sternly, before sighing heavily, “but that’s not the point. I just wish she wasn’t so busy with her new job. Then maybe I won’t have to deal with any of these stupid fangirls breathing against my carapace.”
Thorax gritted his teeth apologetically, his ears lowering a bit. “Right…” he said after a moment. “Well, I can say I’ve been where you are now.”
Pharynx’s eyes widen a bit. “Huh? When?”
“Well, back at the rewarding ceremony at Twilight’s castle, I was hoping that—”
“Thorax, you and Ember haven’t even met .” Pharynx cut off his brother yet again. “How were you even hoping that she’d show up at that sappy little ceremony?”
“...Eheheh.” The lime changeling blushed sheepishly, clearly embarrassed that his attempt at comfort had unsurprisingly failed. “Oops?”
Pharynx sighed again. “...I’m going get another drink. If Tempest finally decides to ditch her guard duties and show up, tell her where I’m at.”
He trotted away before his brother could say anything else, making his way towards the cider table and pouring himself his third glass of the night. “Why’d I even come here?” he said to himself quietly as he began steadily chugging down his beverage.
BUMP!
Pharynx stumbled forward as he felt an unexpected figure collide with his backside, just barely catching himself before he landed flat on his face. He spat and choked up his wasted cider, wiping his mouth, before looking behind him.
“Hey! Watch where you’re—” Pharynx scolded sternly before cutting himself off immediately upon seeing who had bumped into him. “What the-?!”
Behind him was a female alicorn... at least, that was what it looked like. One with a very dark purple coat and a pitch black mane streaked with hot pink. Instead of the expected gala attire, she had both a red choker around her neck and a messy purple cape that barely covered her flank, which displayed what Pharynx assumed was her cutie mark. Though, if anything, it didn’t really look like a cutie mark at all. It looked more like someone had posted a photo of a blindingly bright galaxy on her flank. To top it all off, her blood-red eyes gave off this completely dead stare that really got under Pharynx’s skin... or chitin, in this case. Point was, he didn’t like it. At all.
“Uhhh… did you need something?” the changeling asked the stranger, trying his best to keep a straight face. Please say no. Please say no…
“im sorry i didnt see you there sir”
Now, Pharynx was really cringing. Has this pony ever learned proper speech? “Okay then…” he replied, taking a few steps back. “In that case… I’ll be going now.”
“Wait dont leave!”
The changeling froze, blinking at the alicorn. “Um… why?”
“Do you remember? we knew each other since we were kids! you saved me from those ponys who bully me!” The alicorn exclaimed.
Excuse me? Pharynx thought bitterly as his attempts to mentally grasp this situation failed miserably. “... Can you elaborate?”
“My parents are Nightmare Moon and Sombra. they always beat and abuse me every day because i wasnt evil like them. ponies like to bully me because of my powerful magic. they tried to hurt me but you saved me!”
Pharynx could only think of one way to respond. “No. No I did not.”
“Yeah you did! dont you remember?!”
“Well, fortunately, I don’t recall ever running into you. Ever. I don’t even know your name. ”
“Oh i forgot about that! my name is Nova Shadowlight! i really missed you Pharynx!”
Pharynx shuddered. “How did you—”
“i finally found you, my love!” Nova exclaimed, throwing her forelegs around the changeling and nuzzling against his neck.
Now, Pharynx really wanted to vomit. “Please, get off of me.”
“heh. sorry.” The alicorn released him.
“T-Thank you,” he stuttered, his eyes darting around frantically in an attempt to find the best window to jump out of. “Now, if you excuse me, I’m just gonna—”
“I want to show you something i’ve never shown anyone before.”
“Wait, what?!”
In a flash of neon light, the two of them were gone.
“I still don’t understand why that ‘Rarity’ pony was freaking out so much. Hasn’t she seen anyone wear a tuxedo with a skirt before?” Flutterwings rambled as she kept looking down at her outfit. “I mean, I guess it’s—”
“Hold on,” Scorch put a hoof to his sister’s mouth, turning his head to gaze in a random direction. “Did you hear that?”
“Hear what? What is it?”
The two remained silent for a moment. “Huh. I could’ve sworn I heard someone teleport outta here.”
“Oh… You think it was Pharynx? I mean, he said he would talk to his brother for a bit, but I can’t find him anywhere,” the purple nymph said.
Scorch thought for a moment. “Well, I don’t remember seeing Pharynx use any teleportation spells. Or maybe…”
“Wait a minute, what is that?! ”
“What’s what?”
They peered out the window and into the Canterlot gardens, seeing Pharynx walking with an… alicorn?
Okay, it was easy to tell he was getting forcibly dragged by the alicorn; any attempts to shapeshift or scurry away from her was rudely interrupted by a neon purple aura holding him close to her. Too close to her.
“...You’re seeing what I’m seeing, right?”
“...Unfortunately, yes.”
Without any hesitations, the two changeling siblings darted towards the doorway that led to the Canterlot gardens, pushing their way through the crowd of well-dressed ponies and busting the door open.
The pair galloped outside, stopping to catch their breath as well as to scan the area for any signs of a dark purple coat or a flowing violet mane.
“Shoot,” Flutterwings spat after gazing at her surroundings for a bit only to find nothing. “You think they teleported again?”
“I honestly hope not. Who knows where that creep would take him? Pretty sure the leader of changelings wouldn’t want some freaky alicorn throwing herself onto his older brother,” Scorch remarked.
“No kidding. I mean, what kind of—”
The duo suddenly jumped upon hearing what sounded like a muffled scream. “What was that?!” Flutterwings squeaked, frantically gazing around the area.
“It came from over there! Let’s go!”
Flutterwings and Scorch sprinted in the direction the sound was coming from. Upon reaching their destination, however, a rather… unpleasant sight greeted them.
Pharynx was pressed against the grass as the alicorn kept pressing her lips against his, her neon purple aura preventing him from dashing away. Every time Pharynx would yank his head in a random direction to avoid her, she would only grab him and continue kissing him, her unnaturally large wings wrapping around him and hugging him.
“You there!” Scorch snarled, finally getting the alicorn’s attention. “What do you think you’re doing?!”
The alicorn’s blood red eyes widened upon seeing the two angry changelings, and Pharynx finally gasped for breath, pushing the mare off of him. “About time someone showed up!” he spat. “What took you so long?!”
Before the changelings could answer, the alicorn grabbed Pharynx in her aura, hissing like a cat. “WHAT DO YOU TWO WANT FROM ME?!?!?! I AM SO SICK OF BEING TREATED THIS WAY!!!!!” she screamed.
“Woah, girl, calm down, ” Flutterwings said, stepping back. “We’re just trying to ask you to stop hassling Pharynx like that. Sheesh.”
“DONT YOU DARE TALK THAT WAY ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND!!! SHUT UP AND GO AWAY OR I’LL MURDER YOU!!!!!”
Flutterwings and Scorch froze like a pair of deer in headlights. “Boyfriend?!” they parroted in unison.
“THATS RIGHT YOU HEARD ME!!!! I LOVE HIM AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!!”
“Uh, hello? He’s taken! ” Scorch spat back. “You know, by Tempest Shadow! ”
“SHUT UP!!! SHES JUST TRYING TO TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE SHE HATES ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES!!!!!!”
“Okay, I don’t think she’s ever even met you, but I won’t exactly doubt the prediction that she’d hate you,” Flutterwings deadpanned.
“GRRRR…….” The alicorn’s horn flared wildly as she held tightly onto Pharynx. She blasted the ground, somehow launching the two siblings away from her, sending them tumbling in random directions. “THATLL TEACH YOU TO MESS WITH ME! GO AWAY OR ELSE I’LL SEND YOU TO THE MOON LIKE HOW CELESTIA DID TO MY MOTHER!!!!!!”
Within a flash of bright purple, the “couple” was gone, leaving two utterly shocked changelings alone in the garden in complete dead silence.
For a while, at least.
“...Wait, her mom is Nightmare Moon? ” Flutterwings asked flatly.
Author's Note
You have no idea how badly I’ve wanted to finally post this.
Just in case you were wondering; yes, all those punctuation errors in Nova’s dialogue were intentional, as well as the sentences in caps.
Pharynx, The Change Gang, And This Freaking Alicorn
“I’m telling you, guys! A hideous purple alicorn contaminated existence and snatched Pharynx away like a money bag!”
“Seriously, Scorch?” Venom gave his brother an aside glance as Flutterwings continued rambling. “I thought I told you to keep her away from the cider table!”
“She didn’t drink any cider, Venom, I swear ,” the red changeling replied. “And yeah, some alicorn really did snatch Pharynx away like a money bag. Trust me, I was there. We both were.”
“Oh really?” Spiny raised a brow, folding his forelegs. “If there really was a weird purple alicorn kidnapping handsome creatures, why haven’t we encountered it then?”
“Well, you did just invent the possibility that she only encountered handsome creatures,” Scorch deadpanned.
“Hey!” the teal changeling spat back, glaring at him.
Thistle merely rolled her eyes at the scene, standing up from her chair after she finished cleaning off the chocolate stains on her outfit. “Well, it sounds like an… interesting explanation as to where Pharynx suddenly went,” she admitted, walking to the brother-and-sister duo. “Though, are you guys absolutely a hundred percent sure that this pony was an alicorn?”
“Yes!” Flutterwings and Scorch said in unison.
“Okaaay… did you see where she took him?”
“Out in the castle gardens!” Flutterwings answered confidently, pointing a forehoof in the appropriate direction.
“She took him into the castle gardens?” Cricket spoke up.
“She dragged him into the castle gardens,” the nymph clarified.
The green changeling blinked. “And he let her?”
Scorch and Flutterwings glanced at each other for a moment, then back at the other four reformed changelings. “Uhhh…”
Spiny sighed heavily. “Face it, guys,” he said. “If there really was a purple alicorn snatching random dudes up, Pharynx would’ve beaten it to a bloody pulp. Plain and simple.”
“He tried to!” Scorch protested. “But for some reason he—”
“Forget it, Scorch.” Flutterwings rolled her eyes, gripping her older brother’s forehoof. “Let’s just show them where we last saw ‘em.”
“Is this it?”
“Pretty much, Venom. It’s the spot where Lady Edgeflank started ranting about us ‘trying to hurt her boyfriend’ before suddenly disappearing,” Scorch explained.
“She disappeared?” Cricket asked cluelessly.
“Tch. Pretty sure it’s called ‘sobering up’, Cricks,” Spiny muttered while folding his forelegs, eliciting a fit of snickers from Venom.
“Come on, guys!” the red changeling whined. “This is what happened! We wouldn’t lie about a prince’s whereabouts, would we?!”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Venom admitted, rubbing the back of his head. “I mean, there was that one time where you—”
Venom immediately cut his sentence off when he and the others heard what sounded like the rustling of bushes nearby. “...Hm?”
“Oh great…” Flutterwings whispered, before turning to Scorch. “You think that’s her right now?”
“Perhaps,” he responded. “Brace yourselves, guys. This could get ugly.”
The six changelings slowly trotted in towards the shrubbery, peering in closely in subtle tension…
...suddenly, out came a sunflower.
The Change Gang stared in silence and awe as the shockingly sentient plant hopped up to its root-like feet, before grasping and pulling up the flower pot its “torso” was secured in and hurriedly waddling off as if it were in serious need of a belt.
Spiny blinked, before finally deciding to break the silence between him and his peers. “You guys absolutely sure there was nothing in that chocolate fountain we were just at minutes ago?”
Before any of them could even attempt to answer, they heard a faint jovial tune somewhere nearby. Their ears perked in response, and they turned their heads in the direction it was coming from.
After a short journey through the shrubbery, the changelings’ mouths fell agape as soon as they laid their eyes upon a rather… interesting creature.
This creature seemed to be a complete mishmash of what appeared to be many other animals; mismatched horns, mismatched limbs, even mismatched wings, complete with a long scaly red dragon tail and an immensely tall and slender body. To top it all off, he appeared to be wearing a gardener’s outfit.
Upon even closer inspection, he had a wheelbarrow full of plucked flowers—some of which were leaping out and scampering out of sight—next to him, and he was busily watering a bed full of weeds.
“Rosemary, Rosemary, on the contrary…” the creature mumbled.
“Ahem.” Venom cleared his throat.
“How does your garden grow—”
“AHEM.”
The creature turned around to face the changelings with wide red-and-yellow eyes, and as soon as he did that, his jaw dropped to the ground… in a more literal manner than it usually is. By that, it completely fell off its hinges and onto the grass in front of him.
The Change Gang couldn’t help but cringe slightly at the sight. Unfazed, the creature casually picked his jaw up from the ground and reattached it back in. “I swear to Celestia, I will never properly get used to their new appearances.”
Venom raised a brow, stepping forward from the group. “Excuse me?”
“You know exactly what I’m referring to!” the mishmash answered upon teleporting up to the changeling in a white flash, now wearing a more fancy and formal outfit—complete with a top hat—suitable for the gala. “You all do! With your buggy eyes and your new wings and your… tails… ”
“You’re certainly one to talk, Mr. uh…” Flutterwings appraised the stranger closely. “...Griffin-goat?”
His eyes widened as he leaned in towards the nymph, making her jump in surprise. “Griffin-goat?” he parroted in mock-offense. “Why, I haven’t heard that one since even before I was petrified! Hm…” He snapped his eagle-like claw, and a pen and notepad appeared right into his grasp, and he started writing. “Perhaps I should write that down for later.”
Scorch stared in even more awe as the figure snapped its claw yet again, making the notepad flutter off as if it were a bird of some sort. “Right…” He quickly shook his head. “Look, we don’t really have time to question the logic of whatever you’re doing, sir… uh…” he said.
The creature made a name tag appear out of thin air. “Discord.”
“Right, Discord, we’re looking for an alicorn, have you seen it?”
“Well, it depends on what alicorn you’re specifically referring to,” Discord replied. “If it’s Celestia, then the first place I would check is the dessert table. I don’t recall the last time she wasn’t stuffing her gullet with a triple-layer cake.”
“Actually, it wouldn't be an alicorn that anypony would be familiar with,” Spiny explained, rubbing the back of his head with a hoof. “Well, at least I think that’s the case… assuming we’ve all been sober the whole time.” He snuck a glance at Scorch and Flutterwings, who both huffed and folded their forelegs at him.
“Hm…” Discord thought for a moment, grazing his white beard with a claw. “This case seems to be much more complex than I expected it to be… you all know what this alicorn looked like, yes?”
“Uhh…” four of the changelings said in unison. However, two of them stepped up.
“Well, to put it bluntly, she really wasn’t your average -looking alicorn,” Flutterwings said.
Scorch nodded. “She was this weird purple alicorn with this black-and-pink mane, and these bright red eyes, and these huge wings—”
“Hold on a second…” Discord pressed a talon to his mouth, cutting him off. “You’re referring to that knows-nothing Nova pony, aren’t you?”
“Wait, who—”
“Oh nonononono, just as I was hoping I wouldn’t have another run-in with one of them ever again.”
Flutterwings arched a brow. “Who’s ‘them’?”
“Allow me to explain over a few milkshakes, shall we?”
“Uh… what?”
Discord snapped his appendages. Within a flash of light, they were suddenly sitting in what appeared to be a shabby, run-down bar, with the draconequus himself behind the counter, squirting a mountain of whipped cream on top of a vanilla shake.
“Just thought we’d have a lot more privacy when discussing this controversial topic,” he said. “Thankfully, we appear to be the only ones residing in this place.”
“The only thing we should be ‘discussing’ is Pharynx’s whereabouts, Discord,” Thistle replied bluntly, gazing around the area with a frown. “Why’d you bring us to this miserable hole-in-the-wall of all places?”
“Now, now, we couldn’t have any nosy ponies eavesdropping on us now, could we?” the draconequus answered firmly. “Though, you’re not too far off about the ‘hole-in-the-wall’ part.”
It took the Change Gang about five seconds to realize that they were literally sitting inside a giant hole in the wall.
“Right…” Cricket uttered, turning back to Discord. “Now, what was that about that… Nova pony?”
“Nova Shadowlight…” Discord muttered, folding his arms with a huff. “I’ve had an unfortunate encounter with one of her little lackeys .”
“What lackeys?”
“Cookie Cutter!”
“Who?”
“Why, she’s—” Discord sighed heavily, facepalming. “I’ll explain later. Now, whose whereabouts were you wondering about?”
“Prince Pharynx of the changeling kingdom!” Flutterwings exclaimed. “That clingy pony was smooching all over him, and then she—”
“Snatched him away like a moneybag?” Discord finished, suddenly appearing while dressed in a robber’s outfit while holding a sack of money.
“Yes, that!” She nodded quickly.
Another flash of light ensued, and Discord was now walking around the bar holding a long and skinny object that appeared to be a detector of some sort. As soon as he snaked over to the opposite wall of the room, the detector made a loud beeping noise. “Just as I thought.”
“Uh… what is it?” Venom asked as he walked over to investigate.
“Why, it appears that our ‘odd couple’ has gone right into a plothole.”
“I’m sorry, did you say ‘plothole’?” Scorch inquired. “What even is that?”
“Oh, it’s nothing special. It’s only the most foul, wretched, and sickeningly saccharine place one could possibly imagine,” Discord explained, folding up the device and effortlessly shoving it into one of his ears. “It’s also where all the flawlessly perfect immortals tend to reside. I’m honestly surprised it took me so long to figure out that it’s also where that imbecilic Cookie Cutter came from,” he added.
“So how does one possibly enter this plothole?” Spiny asked, walking up to Discord while flipping through the pages of a romance novel he had gotten from one of the nearby bookshelves. “I mean, do we find a certain page or paragraph where the main character—”
“Oh, don’t be so unorthodox! ” Discord scolded, slapping the book out of the changeling’s grip, making him jump in surprise. “It’s common knowledge that the plot hole is a secret passage hidden between the lines and off the pages!”
Spiny blinked upon recovering from the smack. “Uh… what does that even mea—”
“Therefore, we must unveil other strategies!” With yet another snap, Discord made a small remote appear in his paw. He pointed it at the large shelves behind the bar counter and pressed the large red button in the very middle. Slowly, the shelves began to rise and fold up, revealing a shining vehicle glistening in the spotlight, much to the Change Gang’s amazement and disbelief. “Behold!”
The vehicle wasn’t anything that any normal creature in Equestria would be familiar with, as it had both wheels and a working motor. The colors consisted of black, light grey, and scarlet, and in the very front of it sat a blue license plate that read “K-OZ-LRD” in white letters.
“The GMC’s a rather specific choice, I know,” Discord said to the wide-eyed changelings, “but if we’re going to rescue your little friend, we have to stand out quite a bit from those plothole residents, do we not?” He teleported next to the vehicle and exclaimed, “Pile in, fellow journeyers!”
Venom, Thistle, Spiny, and Cricket all quickly scampered into the back seats, while Flutterwings and Scorch climbed into the two front seats that were next to the driver’s seat.
“It’s settled then. Now watch and learn.” Discord went up to the wall that was across from the van and dragged his talon in a circular motion. Soon, a bright portal began to open, displaying swirling neon colors that the changelings had to shield their eyes from.
The draconequus immediately teleported into the driver’s seat, before putting on a pair of shades. “Glad to see that I didn’t have to tell you all beforehand that I’ll be taking the wheel.”
Discord firmly pressed a foot against the gas pedal, and they drove into the vortex.
“Discoooord!” Cricket cried aloud, holding onto his seat tightly as he kept trying his best to look away from the window. “I think I’m gonna hurl!”
For at least five minutes, they had been speeding through this cavernous error, watching the infinite mass of misspelled words as well as warping neon lights and swirling colors swam past the vehicle.
“Well, pardon me if my driving skills are a little rusty! Discord called back. “This shouldn’t be any longer! Surely, we should survive riding through a poorly written passage full of never-ending continuity errors!”
“Now, I’m really wondering if we’re still sober,” Spiny remarked to Cricket, shuddering.
“So, you’ve driven into one of these before?” Scorch asked the draconequus at the wheel.
“Well, honestly, I’m not too familiar with driving in general,” Discord responded. “The one type of ‘driving’ I’m a hundred percent used to is driving mortals to the very edge.”
“Edge of what?” Flutterwings questioned in confusion.
“Why, the edge of—”
“HIT THE BRAKES!” Cricket screamed as he pointed his hoof.
Discord’s red-and-yellow eyes bulged out of the lens of his shades. He stepped hard on the pedal, and the van came to a screeching halt. By the time they came to a full stop, however, there was an alicorn stallion squashed flat against the front of the van, with his face pressed against the windshield. The first few things they all noticed about this stallion was his pitch black coat and his neon red mane, tail, and eyes, as well as his oversized bat wings.
Flutterwings stared blankly. “Is this the ‘edge’ you were referring to, Discord?” she asked, gesturing towards the red-and-black pony.
Discord blinked. “Uh… no, I’m afraid not.” He pressed a button and the windshield wipers turned on, causing the stallion to peel right off the glass. He then opened the van door and stepped outside. “Well, lookie here,” he said. “Seems like we’ve about reached our destination.”
The Change Gang stepped out of the van to gaze at their surroundings. There were countless castles that all seemed to outdo Canterlot in both size and quality (though the latter was actually pretty questionable). The sky was an intensely bright galaxy of many unnatural colors with huge planets even being visible to the average eye. For some reason, there were rainbows in that sky, too. The ground was an endless supply of colorful flowers, and to top it all off, the place was filled to the brim with alicorns.
Well, there were other creatures in there, too, but mostly alicorns.
LOTS of alicorns.
“...I think I’m gonna hurl!” Cricket said for the second time that day.
Pharynx, The Change Gang, And This Freaking Alicorn
“Holy cannoli ,” Flutterwings uttered.
“Holy cow ,” Scorch breathed.
“Holy words I can’t say because we’re currently short on a ‘Profanity’ tag,” Discord commented.
The other two could only turn their heads to stare blankly at the draconequus.
Thistle shuddered audibly as she took the time to gaze around at the eyesore of an environment she and the others were in. “Ooookaaay, so uh…” she hesitantly and awkwardly began. “…we’re finally here. Where do we start?”
“Well, other than to try and get Pharynx back, our current occupation is to avoid literally anything that breathes in this place,” Spiny answered, watching the brightly colored galaxy-filled sky, specifically at the many alicorns that lingered through the air, one of which was talking to what appeared to be a rainbow-colored butterfly-winged cat with an angel halo. “And I mean literally anything .”
Scorch turned to glance at him. “I’m guessing you’re no longer questioning our sobriety, Spiny?”
“No, but now I am questioning if we’re currently witnessing the hallucinogenic effects of LSD.”
The red changeling sighed heavily. “Took you long enough,” he muttered flatly.
“Alright everyone, enough lollygagging,” Venom said as he came in between his two brothers. “The sooner we find Pharynx, the sooner we can get outta here with our brain cells still intact.” He turned around trotted up to the draconequus. “Okay, Discord. Any ideas where we can find this ‘Nova Shadowlight’ pony?”
Discord caressed his short white beard with a talon as he thought for a moment. “Hm… well, fortunately or not, I’m not as unfamiliar with these Plot Hole inhabitants as I wish I was,” he admitted, watching a neon-green and electric blue fox with bright glowing eyes walk right past him.
He cringed even more when he also saw a tall and lanky stallion whose purple coat was speckled with orange and green. Not only that, but judging from the overload of accessories he was wearing, he had looked as if his wardrobe had thrown up on him. Nonetheless, he continued. “One thing to know about the alicorns that live here is that they’re apparently able to pay for their overpriced home construction loans.”
Cricket tilted his head, blinking. “Uh, what’s that supposed to mean?”
In a white flash, Discord appeared in a construction worker’s uniform, complete with the orange vest and the yellow hard hat, and unrolled a blueprint depicting an extremely large palace that rivaled the size of both Canterlot and Twilight’s castle combined. A large rainbow arch was also drawn in crayon directly above the palace, as if a little filly had doodled on it. “These alicorns seem to take great pride in their castle exteriors,” Discord explained. “I honestly don’t see why Nova wouldn’t follow this trend.”
“If that’s the case, Nova could probably be anywhere. Look how many castles this place has!” Flutterwings pointed a hoof towards the numerous towering palaces in the horizon. “What, are we really gonna go door-to-door asking if she lives there?”
“Eugh, no.” Venom gritted his teeth. “We don’t even have time for that. Hey, Scorch, you got any ideas?” He turned, expecting the red changeling to still be at his side. However, all he got was thin air. “Scorch?”
After a few more glances, Venom saw Scorch walking up to a bright pink alicorn with an oversized rainbow mane and tail. She also had large yellow wings and a long horn that was striped with red and green. To top it all off, she had a pair of huge glittery blue eyes that seemed to sparkle drastically.
Resisting the urge to throw up in his mouth, Venom immediately ran up to him. “Scorch, what are you doing?!”
“What’s it look like I’m doing? I’m trying to get us to Princess Shadowflank!”
“I know, but should we really be asking for directions from… from… that thing?! ”
“If it helps us find Nova, then yes!”
“your looking for Nova?”
The two of them turned to the pink alicorn, now sweating heavily. There was no going back now.
“hi Im princess Sparkle Rose! Im Novas bestest friend since we were fillys!”
“Er… you know her?” Scorch asked, cringing heavily.
“Yea! shes the most special powerful alicorn princess! my mother Celestia said so!” ‘Sparkle Rose’ answered with a bright smile. “she told me how she defeated 9,000 villins of Equestria with one great big magic blast and became the element of power and the ruler of her kingdom!”
The six changelings and the draconequus stood in dead silence after hearing all that. “…And where is this ‘kingdom’ you’re talking about?” Flutterwings asked.
“its the most beutiful castle youve ever seen! its big and purple and beutiful and its protected with superstrong superpowerful magic that blocks out other cretures teleportation!” the alicorn replied. “becaus shes super powerful and the best kingdom ruler in the universe!!!”
More silence. Thistle sighed loudly. “…I’m guessing your mother told you that, too?”
“yes!!!!!”
“Well, guess what, Sparkly Glitterpants?” Venom suddenly snapped. “This ‘super powerful kingdom ruler’ has kidnapped the changeling prince! We have to know where she’s taken him so we can get him back!”
“WHAT?!?!?!?!” the pink alicorn suddenly screamed at the top of her lungs, her once-glittery blue eyes now glowing a bright blood red. “HOW DARE YOU TALK BADLY ABOUT NOVA SHADOWLIGHT!!!!! IM THE PRINCESS OF HAPPYNESS AND YOU MADE ME SUPER ANGERY SO PREPAR TO BE BANISHED TO THE SUN FOR 1,000 YEARS! I WILL TRANSFORM TO MY DARK SIDE PRINCESS BLOOD ROSE!!!!”
The Change Gang jumped at the abrupt outburst. Discord, however, rolled his eyes, clearly unimpressed by this pony’s painfully unsubtle attempt to be threatening. He snapped his talons, and a zipper appeared on Sparkle Rose’s mouth, sealing it shut.
“Nice try, my dear, but I’ve seen Angel do better.” He turned to the six changelings. “I think we’ve gathered all the information we need.”
He snapped his claws again, and within a flash of light, the group teleported to a dark gray pathway that led up a very large hill. They looked in the same direction of the path and saw a huge purple castle resting on the very top of the hill underneath a shimmering moonlight.
“I’m guessing this is it?” Cricket asked.
“Hm… it does look rather promising,” Discord said as he appraised the building. “Though, I thought we’d be able to teleport inside the castle, or at the very least teleport right at the door.”
“Great… don’t tell me the ‘magic that blocks teleportation’ thing is real in this world…” Flutterwings groaned.
“…it wouldn’t be too out-of-the-ordinary, actually.”
“…So, we’re all gonna have to head all the way up there on our own wings and hooves then?” Scorch asked.
“Mm…Yes.”
And so, they all continued onward.
“and then they made fun of my wings and my magic so i killed them all with one great big powerfull magical blast!!!”
Pharynx slumped his head against the table with a deep frown plastered on his face; for the very first time in his life, he’d rather sit in the Feelings Forum than sit within six feet across from this mare in her own overly-decorated dining room. The rope tied around his forelegs and torso and the magic suppressor on his horn only made matters much, much worse.
Nova lowered her head and whimpered. “no one in equestria ever understands all the pain i went through. I was bullied a lot as a kid and all the ponys hate me just because i was diffrent.” She looked up and stared into his lavender eyes. “youre the only pony to ever care about me and love me.”
Pharynx breathed through his gritted teeth, lifting his head up. “Okay, first of all,” he began, “I’m not a pony. I’m a changeling. Secondly—”
“i know what its like to be diffrent.”
The changeling furrowed his brow as Nova cut him off. “…What?”
“your different from all the other changlings when your brother became leader just like how i was different from all the ponys.”
“…Okay, I can somewhat get behind that, but that’s not the point.”
Nonetheless, Nova continued. “but now i know what true love feels like and what it truly means. ever since i met you ive always loved you becaus you were nice to me.”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s nice and touching, whatever,” Pharynx muttered, straining in his ropes. “Now, if you excuse me for once, I should be getting back to my brother before he’s suddenly smart enough to realize I’m gone.”
“what?! but you cant leave me! not now! please dont leave!”
“Why can’t I?”
“because…” the purple alicorn trailed off. “there is something i’ve been wanting to ask you.”
“For how long? Two hours?” Pharynx quipped, still trying to break the rope. “Save it, because I don’t need to hear it.”
“its really inportant for both of our kingdoms,” Nova said. “we can rule together in love and peace and harmony for the rest of our lives. we can battle equestrias greatest and strongest enemes and become the most powerful in the world.”
“Listen, please, ” the changeling growled as he glared at the alicorn. “At least let me—”
“Prince Pharynx. will you marry me—”
“No, I will not marry you. There. I said it. Can I go home now?”
The alicorn’s eyes suddenly widened. “w-what??”
“You heard me,” Pharynx said bluntly. “I have an army to run, a brother who has an entire kingdom to run, I have friends, I have family, but you know what else I have?”
“…what?”
“I have a girlfriend! ” the changeling snapped loudly. “A girlfriend who’s probably done with her duties as Twilights personal guard, and is probably back at the gala wondering where I am! ” he yelled. “How hard is it to understand that she needs me? And so does my brother? And his subjects and literally everyone else in the hive?!” He breathed heavily through his teeth.
A moment of silence occurred between the two. Without warning, Nova started hysterically bawling and sobbing and wailing at the top of her lungs.
The changeling breathed through his nostrils. “…I see you’ve finally got my point. Now can you please take me back now?”
Pharynx didn’t know what he was expecting as an answer to his question, but he certainly didn’t expect a pair of stallions with pitch black coats wearing bright and shiny purple armor to suddenly burst into the room.
“Princess! whats the problem?!?!” one of them said, his bat-like eyes darting across the room.
“w-why do you HATE me?!?!?!” she eventually asked between sobs. “you hate me just as much as Tempest does!!! why does everyone treat me this way?! why does everyone hate me?!”
“Tempest doesn’t even know you!” Pharynx spat back with a snarl. “You’re the one who keeps claiming that!”
“PRINCE PHARYNX HOW DARE YOU SPEAK RUDELY TO THE ELEMENT OF POWER?!?!”
The changeling turned to the pair of guards who were now trotting over to him with death glares. “I’m sorry, what?” he uttered. “She just came up to me and called me her boyfriend, despite me having to explain over and over to her that I’m taken, and she suddenly brought me here and asked me to marry her despite me barely knowing her…” he took a breath. “And you’re blaming me for all this?!”
“YOUR A MONSTER!” the guard with the blood red eyes snarled at him. “WHAT KIND OF STALLIONFRIEND TREATS HIS MAREFRIEND THIS WAY?!?!”
The guard with the overly bright blue eyes nodded. “AS PUNISHMENT YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO THE DUNGEON AND YOULL NEVER MARRY NOVA UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZE TO HER!”
“I just made it clear! I don’t want to—” Pharynx tried to speak, but the guards suddenly levitated him up. “Hey! Are you ignoring me?! Let go!”
They both started to carry him out of the dining room and they went to a lone door that was located at the very end of a long hallway. Without saying anything else, they opened the door and threw him inside, locking the room shut.
Pharynx grunted as he was dropped to the floor, groaning and grumbling in pain. “…numbskulls…” he muttered. “I’m in a world full of complete and utter numbskulls.”
He could only stare at the floor he was laying on and sigh heavily.
A much more preferable fate than sitting with an eyesore of an alicorn.
Flutterwings panted heavily as her wings gave out and she ungracefully flopped onto the ground. “Are we there yet?” she asked for the sixth time. “Did we make it?”
Discord looked up at the castle in front of him, humming monotonously while grazing his chin. “Hm… oh dear…” he said as a frown crossed his face, getting the attention of the six exhausted changelings. “…I’m afraid our prince is in another castle.”
“WHAT?!” they all screamed in unison.
The mirthful smirk on the draconequus’ face said it all. “…I’m kidding.”
The Change Gang exhaled heavily. “Whatever,” Spiny said as he trotted up to the door. “Any ideas on how we’re gonna get inside without anyone noticing?”
“Perhaps we could go through that balcony up there.” Cricket pointed upward at the nearest tower, which indeed had a fancy balcony.
“Hm… I don’t see any holes in your plan, but that could only be because you all lost them when you all transformed.” Discord shrugged.
Cricket sighed. “Don’t remind me.”
With that, the six changelings flew upwards and landed right onto the balcony, Discord floating up after them. Upon carefully opening the door and walking inside the castle, they all took a moment to gaze at the interior, specifically at the many gaping hallways.
Venom took a breath. “Okay, everyone, let’s get this over with.”
Author's Note
There they go to save the day.
