The stale tale of Cake, the dumbass!

Cake woke up before the trumpet blared, before everypony else in the room. Her whole body hurt, her joints in particular. She could still taste the iron in her mouth as she stared at the metal bars of the bunk above her as the moonlight shinned in from the window. She could smell herself now, and she almost gagged when she did, rolling over and staring at the bathroom door, debating on if she should take a shower now, in the middle of the night, or wait it out. Then her eyes hit Shining’s bunk.

Empty, but made, the stallion was not present in the room. It made her worry for a moment. If it was late enough for her other squadmates to be asleep then he should have returned by now. Unless…

Fighting her own body’s urge to not move she rolled onto her side, it felt like her muscles had been sliced open but she pushed on, falling onto the floor. Then the mare pulled herself to the door. She almost tried to stand and open it before she reminded herself she was a unicorn. After the door was cracked open and the hallway was scanned for seniors she continued to crawl onwards, getting used to the pain and building up a small tolerance.

She didn't knock on the door but silently opened it as quietly as she could, the expensive hinges thankfully did not creak and it opened without much fuss. Inside she could see the stallion was right in the middle of the floor, coved head to toe with red lipstick kisses and wearing one of the mares uniforms going off the skirt. She would have laughed loudly at the sight had her lungs not felt like a soot filled furnace.

She sat in the hallway poking him with her magic, trying to wake him up without causing him to panic. When it proved fruitless she moved onto opening his eyelids, then pulling his tail, and finally crawling into the room and slapping him with her own hoof.

The stallion could have been considered legally dead at this point, had he not been softly snoring. She couldn't pull him out and back into their room, she couldn't wake him, and she wasn't clever enough to think of any other ways to get him out so she left him there.

Once she was back into her room she used her conserved strength to crawl back into her bed and head-started her morning routine by brushing her hair and brushing her teeth. Then the trumpet rang out.

Cake got up and walked slowly into the bathroom, laid down in the tub and turned on the water. Just when she relaxed the door she forgot to lock opened and in walked Dilly who didn't pay a lick of attention to her.

“Do you mind?” groaned Cake

“No,” replied Dilly as she began to brush her mane out in the mirror.

“Fine, but if your brother comes in here I'll put him in the infirmary,” replied Cake

“Now don't tempt me,” replied Dilly. “Seen Shining?”

“Yeah… still in cloud nine.”

“Do you think he’s gay?”

The question made Cake’s mane itch, she wasn't a fan of gossip and neither was she interested in humoring Dilly. She remained silent as she leaned back in the tub. Dilly didn't bother to continue the small talk and finished up before leaving.

Once Cake left the bathroom, her mane brushed and dried., Shining still wasn't back and Violet wasn’t up either. There were no seniors marching through the hallway and there was no chatter heard in the other cadet halls.

“Is uh… Violet awake?” asked Cake

Daffodilly climbed up the ladder and smacked her brother's chest and then a look of shock came over her face, which changed to horror. Quickly she panicked and jumped up on the bed and checked his pulse.

“He… never sleeps in…” mumbled Dilly

Cake rolled her eyes “And I never skip the brussel sprouts.” She opened the door and didn't waste time moving to the pegasi room and barging in.
Everypony inside was still asleep without a sign they had even moved.
Cake went from door to door to see a similar sight of sleeping cadets who wouldn't wake up.

“What was for dinner last night?” Cake said in a worried tone.

“Oh we uh… didn't have dinner? They said it would be better to eat in the morning after our… workout,” Dilly said with a shrug.

“Yeah well, nopony is up in ANY of the rooms!” Cake said nervously. The mare was struggling to stand but she had bigger problems on her mind.
That's when Hard Tack entered the room and stared at the two fillies.

“When we give you a meal you eat it! Not just a little bit, the whole thing. Now you two get to help move the sleepers,” he said angrily while the two fillies stared at each other.

“And you won't be able to participate today, so you automatically fail… which will not be good on your record, Cake,” he followed up. “Now get Violet down from up there without breaking his neck and move him into the hallway.”

Just past Hard Tack’s shoulder Cake could see another senior mare pegasus opening the door to her own squad’s room. She shook her head and knew that somewhere, somehow, somepony was laughing.

“Out of all the cadets it just HAD to be this one,” she said when she noticed the young stallion laying limp in the middle of the floor. “Hey, we got a situation over here,” she said to another senior.

Soon there was a small gathering of guards shaking their heads at the sleeping colt while murmuring to each other. Cake and Dilly looked at each other, waiting for the other to say something as Hard Tack went to see the commotion.

“Celestia damn it! Silver Mane is gonna be up my ass now. You two wanna tell me why the hell your squadmate is sleeping in another squad's room, covered with kisses from his hooves to his horn, wearing a MARES UNIFORM!?” Hard Tack’s rage hit its peak as he wrapped up his rant.

Dilly pointed a hoof at Cake. “Her idea.”

Cake glared at Dilly for a moment before returning her gaze to Hard Tack. “He- well- we needed to make a deal and-”

Hard Tack cut her off. “So you sold the poor nerd’s virginity to them?”

Cake went red. “No no… I mean, they didn't actually-”

One of the other seniors cut her off in her stammering. “Well he doesn't have any kisses on his belly so… he seems clean to me. Move him to the infirmary, he can't go into the test looking like this.”

“I didn't think they would do anything serious with him!” Cake blurted out.

“The stallion sticks his neck out for you twice and you do this to him… you're never going to make it past third week,” Hard Tack said as he turned and left the room. Dilly was already working on getting her brother off the bunk as the other seniors pulled away Shining from the pegasi’s room.

Once all the bodies had been moved into the hallway the seniors loaded them onto carts and hauled them off. Cake and Dilly sat in their rooms and stared at each other.

“So… what do you think the test would have been?” asked Cake.

“Forest navigation. They would have dropped us on the other side of the mountain and seen how long it takes for us to get back to the city…” Dilly said as she leaned back in her bunk and stared out the window.

Cake was silent for a moment, and followed Dilly as she leaned back in her own bed and grabbed the letter from the night before, pulling it out of the envelope to write more into it.

P.S. I suck at making friends, already I've used a pony for my own gain without thinking of what would happen to them. At this rate I'm more likely to get kicked out of here than I am to see Graduation.

“Mother or father?” asked Dilly.

“Mom,” replied Cake.

“That's good. My dad wants us to write a full fourteen page report of what happened through the week with each day being two pages long,” Dilly said as she closed her eyes.

“So… have you started on yours?” asked Cake.

“Fuck no, and my brother is already on his eight,” Dilly said with a tinge of hate in her voice. “I didn't write one for last week either.”

“You don't even want to be here, do you?” Cake asked. Dilly pointed to her cutie mark. It was a basket, half made with the other half being assembled.

“I’m literally a fucking basket weaver. I loved making them when I was a filly, having a basket on you at all times lets you hold so many things you could never take with you if you have hooves. From flowers to rocks all the way to the materials you would need to make another straw basket,” Dilly said with regret in her voice.

“I used to always have my saddlebags with me, carried around a sheath to hold my yardstick I cut into a spear with a duct tape handle,” said Cake, trying to find common ground.

“I hate this,” said Dilly. “I hate this place, and everypony in it. I wish I was back home in Ponyville.”

“You're not talking about the Academy, you're talking about Canterlot,” Cake picked up.

“The days when me and my brother were still living in that orphanage were the happiest ones in my life, and I always took them for granted. He wasn't as much of a hot head wannabe guard and we would get into all sorts of trouble. One time we went into the Apple family’s orchard to steal apples, just because we could, and we were caught in a net trap. Turns out the trap wasn't even for us, it was for some tall tale apple family ghost they were trying to capture or some hillbilly shit like that. Ended up making the two best friends a little filly could have… Then we got a fucking letter in the mail some noble from Canterlot had adopted us… My brother was so happy to finally get a family… Then we got a bitch of a mom who only wanted us to brag and a dad who wanted us to become guards or he wouldn't feed us,” Dilly vented.

“Fuck… Sounds like life hasn't been fair to you,” Cake said, at a loss for words.

“And my brother… he just ate it up, thinking that being a guard would be his calling in life, he doesn't have his cutie mark yet,” Dilly said, reminding Cake she was also a blank flank.

“What are you gonna do?” asked Cake.

“After we graduate, or get kicked out, I'm heading to Ponyville. I’m old enough to get a proper job now, and I can change my identity with a quick manecut… Lots of basket weavers in Ponyville…” answered Dilly.

“Appleloosa could use one of those, we have plenty of farmers but nopony to make much equipment,” said Cake.

There was a knock at the door as Silver Mane entered the room. “You two follow me, since you're not going to be doing surprise forest navigation you’re going to at least practice some magic.”

Both the fillies followed the mare as she led them up into the senior level, then in a large room. Bookshelves and wooden tables made it clear the room was a large library, focused on every type of book a guard in training should read to become the best. Silver Mane levitated one of the many books off a shelf and laid it on a table as the two fillies got comfortable in their seats, and promptly left the room.

“So… any good at magic, Cake?” asked Dilly as she read the cover of the book.

“No, I only know two spells. Levitation and, uh, a family spell my grandmother invented or made? Like I said, I don't know magic.”
Dilly gave Cake the book and she inspected it herself. The cover read ‘100 easy spells for foals of freedom and young unicorns.’ The back description went on about how it's the right of every creature, be they pony, yak, griffon or zebra, to arm themselves to both protect against and fight tyranny. Cake agreed heavily with this, and she felt pride going through the writer's beliefs before flipping the book open to read the first chapter.

“Family spell? Like what?” asked Dilly.

“Oh, I can cut things with my magic, not too hard to summon up but it's only good against things like fruits and stuff,” said Cake calmly as she went down the first page about the types of dangers one can face when being mugged on the street or resisting unlawful arrest.

“Woah! So do you, like, cut a small slice and pull it apart or can you make knives and stuff?” asked Dilly as her eyes opened in excitement.

“Oh it's a knife, I guess, Grandma used it to open up cans of food and stuff. I think…” Cake trailed off as she remembered how little she had known about her grandmother, her mother hadn't told her much as she hadn't known much about her either.

“Alright, the first spell here is a field destabilizer, apparently it can uh, fuck up the fields of magic that come from our horns for a bit, making to so neither the caster or the affected unicorn can cast spells. I say we try this last,” Cake said as she flipped the page onto something else. “And this one is about purifying water… this one is about how to change the flavor of grass so you don't get tired of eating it… and… oh! This one’s called ‘Cannon’ and apparently it's used to throw things, but like, really hard,” she said, reading through the book.

“Alright! Let's look around for something to throw, and something to hit,” said Dilly as she scanned the room. Her eyes landed upon a pencil holder, filled with sharp no.2’s and a large can to hold them in. She pulled out five pencils and laid them on the desk, and placed the can on an adjacent desk.

Cake got up and grabbed a pencil with her magic as she held the book open to her right and the pencil to her left. She fired the pencil in her magic and it flew through the air, until it lost height and fell under the desk, landing under a bookshelf. She scratched her mane embarrassed as she gave the book over to Dilly.

The other unicorn aimed her pencil higher and focused on the spell with more intensity, when she let go the pencil flew like an arrow and pierced through the tin can with ease, leaving a large hole behind until it stopped halfway through the glass window overlooking the courtyard. Both fillies looked at eachother, eyes wide, which only went wider once Silver Mane suddenly returned to the library.

“Nice job, you two, now I'll have to call in the janitor to fix this.” The Mare turned her head and whistled, and in came a young unicorn stallion who spotted the pencil and glared at the two fillies before trotting over to the glass. With a few pulls the pencil came free and he focused his magic on the hole. The glass reminded Cake of two slices of cheese in a frying pan melting and coagulating into one solid mass. The unicorn then pulled a ruler out from his toolbelt to make sure the glass was flat before leaving with his nose up.

“Now, were you two to use any more spells like that, please do so while aiming at the target dummies in the courtyard. It's a terrible look for two very capable ponies such as yourselves to need somepony to clean up after you.” Silver Mane passed Cake a small blue ribbon along with a bar to place it on as she left.

“Uh, what do you think this is for?” asked Cake as she looked the ribbon over.

“For getting your uniform back, probably, but don't go showboating to everypony because, like, half the other fillies have the same one,” Dilly said, obviously upset she didn't have hers yet.

“Uh, okay,” Cake said as she carefully tried to place the bar and the ribbon on her chest.

“You’re doing it wrong! See how it’s sagging, and really uneven… Just take the blouse off and I’ll put it on for you!” Dilly said as she pulled the ribbon away from Cake in her own magic. Cake complied and did as she was told, taking off the blouse and laying the requested items down beside it on the table. Dilly got to work pulling small pieces of thread, needles, and cardboard out of her pockets and expertly attaching ther bar, then the ribbon, onto the blouse using the cardboard to keep it from sagging down.

“Wow, thanks, I wouldn't have thought of that,” said Cake as she looked over her now slightly more impressive shirt and slid it back on.

“First one’s free!” exclaimed Dilly as she picked back up the book and headed back outside, leaving the pencils and can to their fate.

[ed]

Outside the noon sun flew right above to the center of Equestria and shone down on the pair as they continued to practice their new spells.

Cake swapped out the pencils for blunt training spears as Dilly used an empty blackboard to keep score. Silver Mane watched them from a distance as the occasional guard would come out to talk to her for a few seconds before running off.

“You still haven't figured out how to use the spell right?” asked Dilly as Cake’s magic struggled to stay focused on the heavy spear after using so much magic.

“Yes I have!” replied Cake as her horn flared and threw the spear at the training dummy, overshot and hit it straight in the head, pushing the neck back as the spear flew past the straw filled pony and into a safety net.

“Yeah, it looks like it,” said a voice behind them. Shining Armor walked up the fillies back in his own uniform and no longer covered in lipstick kisses. He picked up the book and went over it, searching for the spell the two were using as Cake thought of something to say.

“Hey! Uh, Bro… Sorry about what happened last night…” said Cake as she scratched her mane and looked around frantically.

“It's cool! Don't worry about it!” replied the colt as he picked up a spear and got into position.

“Well I owe you one either way, and probably another one on top of it for helping me at the track,” Cake said as she watched Dilly add Shining's name to the chalkboard. Then add another zero under Cake’s score, making the mare sigh.

“Alright, this spell seems easy enough to replicate,” said Shining.
His horn charged and the spear went flying through the air, hitting the training dummy square in the purple circle where its knee would be on its front left leg. Daffodilly stomped her hooves to congratulate him as she wrote down a large fifteen under his name.

“Beginner’s luck!” teased Cake as she smiled and levitated him a bow and quiver. “Let’s see you try that again with something a bit foreign.”

Bows were indeed foerign to ponies, griffins had mastered the use of a bow while ponies preferred throwing spears and magic, only in recent history were bows added to pony armories. Shining picked the bow up in his hooves as he sat down, not sure how to hold it he clasped the bottom of it in his grasp as he loaded an arrow in with his mouth while the mares watched. He pulled back and kept one eye closed as he zeroed in the target and let the arrow fly. It hit its mark perfectly as the two scratched their heads on how he pulled it off again. The target was only a good forty feet away but it was still impressive to the small group watching him, if you counted Silver Mane who looked rather impressed at the sight.

“Alright you three, since you seem to be naturally in competition to see who's the best, how about we make this more challenging?” The mare put a hoof to her mouth and let out a low whistle as the janitor from before pushed out a large rack of old rusted armor that had been made for either a full grown Cake or Shining Armor. “Put these on, grab the spears and whoever can get a bullseye and hold it against the other two won’t have today’s, or last night’s incident put on their training record,” Silver Mane said as she raised her muzzle up and smiled at the trio.

The group looked at each other and then put on a unified grin as they each raced to the armor rack. Shining strapped on his first, the armor fit him like a glove as he trotted around in it, getting used to its weight. Dilly had to put on her straps extra tight to prevent the armor from sliding around, It was clear its weight was making her awkward. Cake was the last one to make her way to the javelin line, her helmet obscured her vision and the nose guard had to go over and hug her nose. The steel horseshoes were not her size and she was forced to leave them behind as Silver Mane shook her head in disapproval. She hadn't seen the straps for the armor but it didn't make much difference as she wasn't able to move anywhere near fast enough for it to slip off.

“Shining, since you seem to have the best aim, why don't you go first?” said the older mare as she took out a notebook and pencil.

“Yes ma’am!” Shining replied enthusiastically, he grabbed a javelin from the rack and got into position a few feet back from the farthest white paint line two-hundred feet from the target. After a brief running start he raised himself up on his back hooves as he flung the javelin in his magic, landing just a few inches shy of the red deadzone.

“Very good, you go next Cake,” Silver Mane said as she watched the young mare stumble to the rack. Cake wasn't sure what the difference between a spear and a javelin was, mostly because she could only see the different colored grip without looking up. After picking her preferred color, purple, she moved to the line and tried to stand on her back hooves like Shining had done. But her back hooves were in no way fit to handle the massive weight of the armor, making her fall onto her stomach and the spear hit the ground.

“Uh- just gotta see if the grass is good first!” she blurted as she pretended to inspect the white painted grass before standing back up and grabbing her spear in her hoof, her horn tired from the previous failed contest. After raising her helmet up to see and stretching her hoof she raised the spear up and her shoulder back and threw it, using the full power of her body to toss it.

The spear only traveled half the distance before it fell onto the grass and slid to the second white line on the grass. “Not bad Cake, you were never expected to get it above your head,” Silver Mane said as she walked close to the mare and removed her helmet.

Cake could feel the pressure behind her eye ducts as she looked away and walked back to the rack to put her armor back. She didn't bother to watch the rest of the competition as she walked back inside before the tears made their way past her last shred of pride. Both her squadmates watched her with empathy as opened the door and slowly made her way up the stairs and back into the barracks.

Once she made her way back to her bunk she sat down and opened her unsent letter. She reread it once, then twice, then after a long moment of silence she began to write more to it.

P.P.S. This isn't going to work, I'm sorry to let you down ma but I'm just going nowhere. I'm not going to waste another day here playing pretend and getting laughed at like a failure. I’ll probably get kicked out of here before this letter makes it past the post office but I hope you can forgive me.