Schadenfreude HATES MAGIC

Chapters

Like, a LOT
Nope, still awful
Yeah, magic sucks
Sure, that's a good idea
Why not, magical horse rhyming
Fine, into the angry bowl.
Great, this will end well.
Fantastic, it's him again.
Wonderful, more good news.
Oh good, we're back to this.
Finally, we're done here.
Just brilliant, let's get him involved, shall we?

Like, a LOT

Author's Note

2020 sucked, right? Have a weird Schadenfreude story. Another multi-chapter one, at that.

Going somewhere different, but rest assured, even in this weirdness, I will do my best to retain the spirit of Schaden that lives in us all, rent-free.

Like, a LOT

If the big capital letters weren't clue enough, my name is Schadenfreude, and I HATE magic. Not from any moral or religious standpoint, mind you. I couldn't even tell you what religion I am, honestly. Morally speaking, well, I have morals, but given my penchant for dicketry, I'm not exactly a solid foundation from which to be making such arguments. No, I hate magic because it really fucking hurts.

For the uninitiated, I attend what is arguably the strangest high school in the country, Canterlot High. We have magical girls, inter dimensional monsters, giant man-eating plants, talking dogs, mind-controlling demon chicks, and memory-erasing garden rocks. To start. For some reason, however, it seems that every single time magic rears its ugly, pointy head, I end up in or near a hospital.

The mind controlling demon? Blew a hole in the front of the school big enough to drive a bus through. Part of the rubble fell on me and broke my leg. Which I was then mind-controlled into trying to walk on.

Inter-dimensional monsters? Turned the school into an angry super-competitive powder keg. I got in three fights, one of which dislocated my shoulder and broke my nose.

Giant evil plants? Knocked me three rows deep into the bleachers, where I re-dislocated my shoulder, twisted my ankle, and broke two ribs.

School party on a cruise? Nearly drowned, then got turned into a magical talking horse, where Timberwolves tried to eat me. In another dimension. As in, wolves made of timber. Giant barky loggy boys. NOT GOOD DOGGOS. Splinters everywhere, and don't ask about the bite marks. I still have scars.

Then there was the time the magical girls lost control of their powers for almost a week, and I got my eyebrows burnt off by explosive Skittles (not a joke), had the other arm dislocated by a farm girl with super strength trying to rush through the hallway after she'd ripped a locker door out of the wall, got mauled by squirrels because the girl that can talk to animals told them about my putting neon blue hair dye in one of the other girl's shampoo bottles in gym (which she only found out was me because she read my mind), and had to pull magical diamond shards out of my skin after one of the other girls dropped a magical chandelier she conjured out of mid-fucking-air. Oh, and the girl with telekinesis (because why the hell not) landed her bike E.T. style out of the sky on my CAR.

So yes, I hate magic. Not the people who use it, not the place it comes from, just magic. By itself. Because whenever I get anywhere near it something fucking awful happens to me.

Oh, and the memory-erasing stone? Made me forget the final draft of a 20%-of-my-grade term paper. I got a D. In a class I had, HAD, an A in.

"Ok," Sunset Shimmer said, alarmed, after I'd finished my rant. The rest of the Rainbooms were looking at me with varying degrees of concern, as I had wound myself up a bit, and am usually annoyingly excellent at maintaining my composure. "So... why are you bringing this up now, Schaden? At my house? On a Saturday?"

"Because I had to miss school yesterday," I explain, speaking a bit slower as to gain my composure. I could already feel my blood pressure rising. "Because, when I woke up Friday morning, this thing was on my arm!" I raised my right hand and pointed accusingly at the artifact in question. A simple, if a bit bulky, golden wrist band with a bright blue gemstone in it. It looked, honestly, like a panic button.

"Oooo-kay..." Sunset replied, staring at the wristband. There was an appreciative 'Ooooh' from Rarity in the back of the room. "So, what's wrong with it?"

"Well, for starters, I can't take it the FUCK OFF," I barked, already having had enough of this bracelet's shit after only a day and a half. I demonstrated, angrily, by pulling on it as hard as I could. It stubbornly refused to move past my wrist, in either direction, despite having at least half an inch of wiggle room. I have skinny arms.

“Well that’s not good,” Twilight said from behind the door. She stepped out onto Sunset’s porch to take a look at it herself. “Hold on, let me try.” Her hands glowed with the tell that she was using her telekinesis.

“Sure, why not, what else could hap-HOLY SHIT OWOWOWOWOW!” I jumped back, clutching my arm, as the bracelet kindly refuted Twilight’s attempt at removal by electrocuting me.

Rather brightly, I might add, as Sunset and Twilight recoiled from the flash of light, and yelps of pain. “Sweet Celestia!” Sunset cried, taking a step back. “Alright, now I’M worried.”

“Oh, only now?” I droll, the feeling slowly returning to my arm. I give it a shake for good measure.

Twilight took a cautious step forward. “Has it... done that before?”

“No, actually. That’s brand-fuckity-new. Look, I know you’re all probably secretly enjoying having a conversation with me that doesn’t involve some kind of prank, pun, or overall social irritation-”

“Secretly?” Rainbow Dash cut in.

I glared at her best I could, given that I rarely have occasion to glare at people. She seemed unimpressed. “As much as I deserve that, this isn’t some cheap prank. This thing is causing me no end of grief, and I have no idea where it came from, what it is, or how the get rid of it. I’ve lost all semblance of composure, my dad can barely hold a conversation with me, and I sure as hell can’t go to school with this thing on my arm!”

Sunset raised her hands defensively, attempting to get me to calm down. “Whoa, slow down. Besides the not-taking-it-off part, and the apparently rather violent magical security system, what the hell is it doing?”

I took a look at my watch, and with as much sarcasm as I could muster, replied, “I’m so glad you asked. It’s about a minute to eleven, which means I get to SHOW you, instead of trying to explain this shit again. You see, once every two hours, on the dot, for exactly one hour-” I pause, as I feel the magic in the bracelet kick in again, and my body starts to glow. I’m briefly interrupted by the transformation, as it’s kind of hard to talk when your vocal chords are shapeshifting. Especially when it comes with a big FLASH, BANG. Stuff grows, stuff disappears, and I’d really rather not describe the exceptionally uncomfortable process, until a minute later, then the magic ends. I take a second to regain my composure, and adjust to my new height of half a foot shorter than 70 seconds ago, before I lift my wrist again, pointing at the bracelet, and yell in a much higher pitched voice than when I started the sentence, “-THIS MOTHERFUCKER TURNS ME INTO A GIRL!”

---------------------------

After the laughing was done, and there was a LOT of it, the girls (now including myself), had seated themselves around and about the living room. The novelty of never having been in Sunset’s house before was quickly overridden by wild irritation and, quite frankly, emotional distress. Not to mention one of the worst hormonal imbalances ever. Apparently having an all-female body does not give you an all-female mind, and the two quickly collide, as they had done every couple hours for the last day and a half.

If I end up living with this for a thousand years I still won’t get used to it.

“So, do you have any idea who could have put this bracelet on you?” Rarity asked. “I mean, it is a bit gaudy for my taste, up close, but that is a rather splendid lapis lazuli, and I-”
“Rarity.” Applejack said tersely.

“Right, of course. My apologies. As I was saying, do you... have any suspects, as it were?”

I thought about it for a moment. “Not anymore. Honestly I thought it was you guys at first. Right up till the point where I got tazed, I mean. I figured this was just some magical slap on the wrist for being a douchewaffle.”

“Why the hell would we do that?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Actually, that kind of makes sense,” said Twilight, before I had a chance to answer. “I mean, if it hadn’t been actively hurting him until now, I could see him interpreting it as a kind of friendship lesson: turn into a girl for an hour before school starts, so that he’s the butt of the joke for once, he comes to us for help, gets his friendship lesson, and if he doesn’t learn it right away, he gets another hour. Rinse and repeat till whatever lesson we might have been trying to teach him sinks in, then we take the bracelet off.”

“Pretty much,” I added, nodding to Twilight. “And up to the point you turned me into a piece of Home Alone bonus footage, that was exactly what I thought was going to happen. Of course, my dad didn’t even let me go to school yesterday, which is why I’m here now.”

Pinkie Pie giggled, and upon receiving a room full of weird looks, explained, “Sorry, it’s just really funny hearing you talk with a girl voice.”

“Well, who else would have access to this kind of Equestrian magic?” Sunset asked nobody in particular, before I could respond.

Applejack spoke up first. “Honestly, take yer pick. We keep findin’ magical stuff lyin’ around everywhere. Magic staves in the ocean, magic rocks in the woods, hell, a couple of pop stars found a time loop thingy over the summer. With all the stuff Equestria kept dumpin’ on this side of the mirror, anybody in town coulda done it.”

I rolled my eyes in exasperation. “And of course, anyone I personally haven’t pissed off, my dad might have, just doing his job as a tax accountant. So really, it’d be easier to shortlist the people that don’t have a motive.”

“Wonderful,” Rainbow Dash groaned. “So now we gotta play Fancy Drew for the school asshat?”

“Rainbow!” Fluttershy scolded. I jumped slightly, having forgotten she was sitting there. “He... I mean... she... might not be our best friend, but she... he... they... oh this is confusing. Schadenfreude came to us for help. We should at least try.”

“Absotootely!” Pinkie Pie jumped in. “I mean, if any of us was turning into boys, well, I mean, I don’t think Schaden would help exactly...”

“I can say with all honesty that I would hold off any and all mocking, commentary, and/or outright guffaws until after you got things sorted out,” I said, holding up a Scout’s Honor gesture.

“He did wait until our powers got under control till he started makin’ jokes,” Applejack added.

“That’s because I didn’t want to DIE,” I deadpanned. “I was spending that whole week avoiding the hell out of you. And wooded areas.”

Fluttershy ‘humphed’. “The squirrels said they were sorry.”

“I had to pull an acorn out of my ear canal. It popped my eardrum.”

“...very sorry.”

“Ok, ok,” Sunset interjected. “We have just a small bit of information and a lot of questions. And frankly, I can only think of one place to go for answers. We might-”

“NO,” I said flatly.

“Schaden, we’re probably going to-”

“NOOOOO.”

“You know there’s no other-”

“FUCK NO.”

“WE’RE GOING TO EQUESTRIA.”

“...dammit.”

I slouched back into the couch, as Rarity patted my thigh. “Do you... want to call your dad first? Or stop at home?”

I thought about it. Then about the fight dad and I had yesterday. Then again last night. Then this morning. “No. He’s... not handling this well. The only times he’s dealt with magic were the times he had to drive me to and from the hospital. He kind of... implied that I should maybe not come home until I get this sorted out, or at least figure out if it’s permanent.”

“Wait, hold on... I thought you an’ yer pa were thick as thieves?” Applejack asked. “Why’s he kickin' out his son?”

“He’s not. He just doesn’t know how to handle this. I don’t know how to handle this. We had a couple heated fights, stuff like he wanted to transfer me out of school, send me to live with my mom, that kind of thing. Both of which were ideas that I, in my rather emotional state, didn’t respond well to. I think he just needs some time to think about this. I’d love to take some time to cool my head and work this out logically, if I wasn’t having the world’s worst hot flashes once an hour.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how hot flashes work,” Rainbow chided.

“Actually, a hot flash is defined as a sudden influx of testosterone in a normally estrogen-balanced system. So really, whenever he turns back into a guy-”

FLASH. BANG.

“Like that, he gets a huge surge in testosterone-”

“-and gets really fucking beside myself!” I add, yelling at the bracelet.

“...what’s sad is this isn’t even the strangest conversation I’ve had with you,” Sunset groaned.

“No, that was the time you had to explain how you figured out I was behind the bright blue hair dye, which I’m still not sorry about by the way, by accidentally grabbing my crotch.”

The room as a whole turned to look at Sunset, who had gone from a soothing yellow tone to DEFCON red in seconds. “And what part of bringing it up is ‘NEVER TALKING ABOUT IT AGAIN’?” she growled.

“Look, I have been in your living room for over an hour without screwing with someone, and have changed genders twice since this conversation started. If I didn’t piss someone off soon I was going to self-destruct.”

“I was wondering when we’d get there,” Twilight mused.

Nope, still awful

Author's Note

The first thing I publish in over a year and a half and it hits the top of the feature box. Thank you so much for your support, you guys!

God I missed this.

Also, something I forgot about my particular writing style: an awful lot of squiggly red lines under words that I can't do jack shit about.

My dictionary doesn't exactly come preloaded with words like cocksocket.

Nope, still awful

[Elsewhere, in a magical land of horses and totally not anime, a book vibrates.]

Sunset – Hey Twilight, it’s Sunset. Listen, we’ve got a bit of a magical problem over here. One of the Canterlot High students seems to have woken up one morning with some kind of magical bracelet? It’s a big old gold thing with a- hold on- Rarity says it’s called a lapis lazuli stone in it. Dunno if that helps. Well, we can’t get the bracelet off, and it seems to be warded against magic. Also, it keeps turning the student into a girl every other hour.

Twilight – That… is alarming, to say the least. I can honestly say I’ve never heard of an artifact like that, ever. Let me see what I can find, and I’ll get back to you.

S – Actually, it’s pretty time sensitive. The guy can’t really go home without fixing it. Something about a fight with his dad. Also, he-wait, sorry, she now-is rather extraordinarily pissed off about it. Like, I’ve known this person for years and I’ve never seen them this angry. Or upset.

T – Well that’s no good. I mean, I’ve kind of got a lot going on here, too-princess fun times, wooo-but I’ll try to come by as soon as I can.

S – I was honestly kind of hoping we could just hop over to Equestria ourselves. It’s the weekend here, and we really kind of need this dealt with as soon as possible.

T – I understand. You know you’re always welcome at the castle, Sunset. I’ll make sure someone greets you at the mirror portal if I can’t do so myself. By the way, is the student someone I know?

[There is no response for several minutes.]

T – Sunset?

[Still no response]

T – Sunset, you th-

S – It’s Schadenfreude.

T – NO. No, no, no. Absolutely fucking not. Not a chance in hell. He can wait his happy ass over there as far away from me ass possible while I research this myself, in MY library, ALONE.

S – Twilight, he’s really upset. And this isn’t just going to go away or get better. He needs help-

T – Which I will gladly give him by doing everything I can to find a solution to this problem AS FAR AWAY FROM HIM AS POSSIBLE.

S – Twilight, he-

T – NO.

S – Twilight-

T – FUCK NO.

S – Twi-

T – AB-CELESTIA-LUTELY GODDAMN NOT.

S – TWILIGHT [The latter was said not with a pen, but a giant red stamp firmly squared in the center of the page, made especially for occasions like these.]

T -...what.

S – The bracelet gives him a mild electric shock whenever it detects interference by external magic.

[There is a brief pause.]

T – Sunset Shimmer if you do not bring this poor soul in need to my castle right away for help I will never forgive you.

“So, good news!” Sunset exclaimed, looking up from the journal.

“I’ve been barred from Equestria for all time and she’s just gonna throw a book through the portal that tells us how to turn this bracelet into slag?” I asked, with a sense of half-hearted hopefulness. The two of us were all that was left at Sunset’s house, after she had made it painfully clear that only the two of us would be going to Equestria. Namely because the Equestrian counterparts of all the other girls were national heroes, celebrities, and in general just too damn important to have two of running around over there.

“...no. Twilight is going to meet us at the mirror portal and do everything in her power to help you,” Sunset explained, still a little too cheerfully.

“Alright, what’s the catch?”

She blinked, her now obviously fake smile faltering slightly. “What do you mean?”

I feel my shoulders make a valiant attempt to fall off my body. They succeed only in slumping. “Sunset, I know that look. That’s your ‘There’s a really big catch behind this but as long as I don’t say it out loud maybe nobody has to find out and I can still fix the thing’ look. What the hell did she say?”

“Well…” she trailed off, not quite looking me in the eye. “I had to tell her who I was bringing…”

“At which point she tried to light the journal on fire, right?” I might have only had brief interactions with Princess Twilight, but I had been assured that my Equestrian double was almost nationally renowned for being the biggest non-villain non-noble cocksocket in Equestria, and frankly, the sense of pride was the only thing keeping me going.

“No, but she was very adamant that you not come to Equestria, and that she do the research alone, with you very far away.”

“-and you convinced her otherwise how? Was that stamp magical or something?” I asked, glancing at the rather dubiously large page-wide rubber red stamp she’d practically slammed into the page.

“Oh, no, that’s just a stamp with her name on it. I use it to interrupt her when I can’t get a word in edgewise.”

“...you made a stamp the size of a keyboard for the express purpose of cutting off a Princess mid-sentence?”

Sunset looked a little sheepish. “Maybe? Yo have no idea how hard it is to get her to stop writing sometimes.”

“...that is the second most beautiful thing I’ve heard all day,” I said quietly, wiping a tear of pride from my eye.

“You’re still not over the whole ‘Your otherworld clone is such a giant douchewaffle they had to draw up a 5-page legal document just to list all the things he isn’t allowed to do in the capitol city, and there’s a mandatory training session involving said document for any guard that has regular interaction with him’, are you?”

“Not even a little bit over it.”

She sighed, and pinched her nose. “I’m starting to feel less bad about this part, then. So, the only way I could think of to convince her to let you anywhere NEAR Equestria was to tell her about the whole ‘magic makes the bracelet electrocute you’ thing.”

“...you know what? I’m not even mad.” FLASH. BANG. “AT YOU,” I added, glaring at the offending piece of jewelry.

“I still can’t believe there’s a portal to a universe full of magical supernukes, talking horses-”

“-PONIES-” Sunset interjected.

“-equines, supervillains, dragons, and dogs made of tree branches just sitting around, always open, in front of a fucking inner-city high school,” I mused. I took another look at my watch, just to make sure it wasn’t close to the hour. The last thing I wanted was to change genders and species at the exact same time. Sunset also wasn’t sure what would happen if I did.

“To be fair,” Sunset said, taking a quick look around to make sure no one else was around to follow us through, “We’ve seen our fair share of magic over here, too.”

“Yes, but I’m more amazed we don’t have a constant influx of students jumping in and out of this thing for funsies.”

“Which is exactly why we’re here at 5 p.m. on a Saturday, and why I’ve been making sure nobody follows us. Everyone at the school knows about magic, but not everyone knows about the mirror portal. And we try pretty freaking hard to keep it that way,” she added, adjusting her bag over her shoulder. We’d both packed a bag, at Sunset’s insistence, which I found kind of odd considering ponies didn’t wear clothes.

“What about all the people that came through the portal after the boat fiasco?”

Sunset’s expression slid from one of determination to a flat, humorless smile. “Honestly, after your incident with the wolves, the boat sinking, traipsing through the rain in pony form, and a whole host of other stuff that night, nobody involved besides the girls wants anything to do with Equestria anymore.”

“I do not blame any of them in the least. Are you sure I have to come with, on that note?” I drawled. I was very much not looking forward to this. On top of a rather well-earned dislike of magic, which was growing literally by the hour, I have never liked horses, ponies, or anything with hooves.

“It’s either that or sit around doing nothing but change genders every hour waiting for two bookworms to find some obscure piece of lore in what could be any number of libraries. Which you wouldn’t be able to do at home, which sucks-”

“-yeah…”

“And even given the circumstances there is no way in HELL I’m leaving you alone in my house for an undefined amount of time.”

I had to smile a little at that. “Which I completely understand. Even as much as I hate this whole genderswap bullshit, I honestly can’t say I wouldn’t be tempted to try some of your clothes on as a girl.”

She raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Schaden, no offense, but even as a girl you could get knocked over by a slight breeze. There’s no way you’re fitting into anything I wear,” she chided, emphasizing her point by cocking an envious hip.

“You’re just mad because, in the event I do end up staying a girl, shopping for bras would be infinitely easier for me. Not to mention the significant lack of future back problems,” I added, with a passing gesture at her chest.

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that.”

“...I will, thanks.”

She took one last look around as we stepped up to the portal. “Alright, ready or not, here we- DAMMIT PINKIE I SAID NO!” she barked, glaring at a bush my the school’s front door.

“Awwww…….” said the bush.

Yeah, magic sucks

Author's Note

For some reason I found myself making like, 5 webcomic references in this chapter alone.

Yeah, magic sucks

“Schaden, you’re going to have to move sometime,” Sunset groaned.

“Says you. I’m just gonna lie on this nice solid floor, not moving, barely breathing, until this thing is off my arm and the world doesn’t look like a coloring book just puked down my cerebral cortex,” I argued, vaguely muffled, as my face was flat on the castle floor. At least, I assumed it was a castle based on Sunset’s word and the fact that the rook we popped out of the portal into looked like an Iron Fortress got busy with a Saturday morning cartoon.

“No seriously, just get up. I promise you walking around is much easier on four legs-”
“WHICH I DO NOT HAVE.”

“And if you don’t get used to the hooves thing now-”

“DON’T HAVE THOSE EITHER.”

“-then this is going to be extremely difficult for both of us. And you might as well stop being stubborn now, you’re going to need that energy later, when-”

“Hi Sunset!” a familiar voice cheered, followed by the… weird clapping noise hooves make. I don’t know. I hate horses.

“She gets here. Hi Twilight!” I lifted my head just enough to see the two pastel quadrupedal night terrors exchange hugs.

“This is hell. I’m in a magical rainbow hell and I haven’t even finished sinning yet,” I groaned, complying against my better instincts and rising to my… hooves.

Twilight, the new… or old? Twilight raised an eyebrow at me, which is not something regular horses can do, and gave me an appraising look. “Hello Schaden. Other Schaden.” She shuddered. “God, I hate saying that. There’s two of them.”

Sunset nodded solemnly. “I know. Believe me, I get it. So the sooner we get this bracelet off of him, the better all our lives will be.”

“...why does it have wings? Horses don’t have wings. And I seriously doubt those flap-flaps are anywhere near the comfortable wing-to-body ratio for proper flight. AND DON’T SAY MAGIC.”

“...it’s magic. Also, we have skeletal systems closer to birds than horses when we grow wings. They’re called pegasi. But yeah, magic,” Sunset explained.

“...Dante is screaming right now.”

Twilight’s expression had achieved a wide array of emotions in the last few sentences, eventually settling on curiosity. “Dante?”

“Dante Alighieri, late 13th century Italian poet. And NO, SCHADEN, you don’t get to explain hell to the Princess of Friendship,” Sunset added, rather vehemently.

I lifted my… hoof, and nodded at the bracelet.

“...ok, fine. But not right now.”

Twilight looked between the two of us, aware of something obvious only to us. “Do I want to know, actually?”

Sunset sighed, and tapped her forehead with her hoof. What I assume to be the closest thing to pinching the bridge of your nose here. “From a theological, anthropological, and artistic standpoint? Absolutely. For the sake of your sanity? Absolutely bucking not.”

“I’m… sorry, did you just say bucking? Why not just say-”

“Don’t do it,” Sunset warned.

“No seriously, we’re all adults here. I mean, at least you two are, and I’m almost 18. You say it back home all the time. What’s wrong with saying-”

“No seriously, don’t.”

“Buck? ...buck? Buck. Buuuuuck. Ffffffffff-buck. Oh you have GOT TO BE KITTEN ME,” I bellowed.

Sunset groaned. “There’s a Decency Filter on the castle. For a wide variety of reasons, not the least of which is the regular presence of kids here. I know, I hate it too. Once you get like, a couple meters away from the castle-”

“-WHICH WILL NOT BE HAPPENING-” Twilight interjected.

“Have I mentioned I bloody hate magic?” I growled.

“Multiple times, and yet you never seem to run out of reasons to do so,” Sunset noted.

“WELL MAYBE IF IT WOUBLHGLRHGBRGLHGRBRGLHRGBRLGHRLGBLGRHG-” is all I get out before the bracelet electrocutes me again and I fall to the floor, having lost the feeling in my forelegs.

“Twilight!” Sunset barked.

“What?! I just wanted to see if it worked! I didn’t know it would be that bad!”

“What part of electrocution sounds not bad?!”

The Princess huffed. “Well, I thought it would be like, I dunno, a static shock or something! Not a shock collar! And you said it was mild!”

Sunset glanced from Twilight, to my twitching body, to Twilight. “You’re right, that is a lot stronger than when other Twilight tried it. Maybe it’s because of how much more powerful you are?”

“Skrrzit margle flargle marm,” I grumble, shaking my leg to get the feeling back. It maybe twitched a little.

“It could be due to the greater ambient energy in Equestria as opposed to your world,” the Princess suggested.

“Murgle barg burgle blimp.” Oh hey, there you are legs, good to see you.

“Maybe it’s drawing on an external power source, stemming from this dimension? It could grow in strength due to proximity-”

“CUMP,” I exclaimed, very shakily standing up, and swaying back and forth.

Sunset seemed to remember the recently tazed horse in the room first. “Oh, sorry, Schaden! Are you ok?”

“Ig gonfa fome upspoon,” I managed to get out.

“He seems a little shake-Sunset, what’s with the bucket?” Twilight asked, as Sunny shoved a big metal pail- from where I have no idea- directly under my face.

Into which I promptly emptied my stomach.

“Let’s just say being a teenage girl with a bunch of other teenage girls as friends means I can understand the phrase ‘I’m going to throw up soon’ in pretty much any format.”

Once my stomach had settled, and the girls had agreed that electrocuting the person who came to them for help was in poor taste, I had been escorted to The Science Room™. Princess Twilight had called it something else more… professional, but the instant I saw it, that was what I called it. The Science Room™ looked like Frankenstein had taken up watercolors instead of reanimation, but with very similar methods. Seriously, why was everything in this awful place bright pastel?

Including the lights blinking to and from the giant pasta strainer on my head, the metal bands on all my legs, and the wide variety of EKG stickies all over my body.

“What’s an EKG?” Twilight asked, placing the last one on my temple.

“Electrocardiogram,” Sunset and I said simultaneously.

The former elaborated: “It’s a device humans use to measure electrical activity in the body, focused on the electrical signals leading to and from the heart.”

“Fascinating!” Twilight mused. “I wonder if I could retool the MIS to do that?”

“MIS?” I asked, barely squeezing the question out of a wooden plate Twilight was shoving in my mouth.

“Magical Impulse Spectrometer,” Twilight and Sunset echoed. Again, Sunset continued: “It measures the body’s reaction to magical impulses to chart the flow of magic throughout your system.”

“An da ooden ton tin?”

Twilight didn’t look up from whatever machine she was fiddling with. “Oh, that’s in case the MIS triggers the defensive response of your bracelet. Don’t want you biting through your tongue.”

Sunset gave me a deadpan stare, which I returned in kind. “Yes, yes, I know, ‘You hate magic’.”

I nodded, glad she got the message. The system beeped a few times, then a few more, as Twilight moved from device to device, reading output graph after graph. Within moments Sunset, too, was swept up in The Science™, and I was almost all but forgotten.

You know, until FLASH. BANG.

Which, for some reason, none of Twilight’s machines particularly enjoyed. They ‘voiced’ their displeasure through a series of explosions, sparks, and rather vehement alarms as The Science Room™ went tits-up.

About five seconds into everything going to hell (with a distinct and disturbing lack of glitter, mind you), we were all swept away in a flash of light, and reappeared in a much brighter, more open room.

“FLARGBHRBLBRHGLBRLHGBRLH.”

“Oh, right, triggered by magic,” Twilight groaned, with a respectable amount of remorse.

After another bucket and a round of apologies, the next place I found myself, and this should come as a surprise to absolutely no one, was a library.

I glanced around the room, at a wide series of books in languages I didn’t speak, I mused allowed- “And we didn’t start here why?”

“Because I wanted more information to narrow down my research,” Twilight explained, somewhat exasperated, turning a page. She had settled into a large armchair with an almost comical stack of books. “The more data I have, the faster I can narrow down whatever I’m looking for.”

“So why aren’t we outside, running more tests? I can’t imagine you got everything you needed from like, five minutes with the Magic-O-Tron 5000 down there,” I guessed, giving up trying to read anything in this room and settling widely into a rather comfortable couch.

“Ok, first off, Magic-O-Tron?” Sunset chided. “Second, letting you outside is a distinctly bad idea, mainly because, even taking into consideration present circumstances, we don’t entirely trust you not to do something fishy.”

“Ok, come on, even I’m not that bad,” I argued. I shifted a bit to get more comfortable. Not counting the BEING A HORSE thing, which was a point I was ready to hammer home until the nail popped out of the ground in Australia.

Sunset glanced at me, put her book down, and sighed, closing her eyes. “Schadenfreude, I don’t think you understand the position you’re in. Number one, there are still plenty of ponies- yes, ponies- who don’t know about the parallel world, so explaining how you got to Ponyville- don’t even start- without anypony- no seriously just roll with it- having seen you come and go would be hard enough, especially considering how small this town is. Yes, even with the castle here. Two, people in this town know you. You’d have to be ready to explain your presence, and absence from your royal duties, to anypony- seriously can you put the face away?- you come across. You’ve got friends here, and any story you could make up about you being here from Canterlot would fall apart the instant they asked for anything even resembling details. Three, your Equestrian counterpart is so notoriously dickish as to have legal documents drawn up about him, and regularly edited.”

“I was meaning to ask about that, anyway,” I interjected. “Wouldn’t a document like that be extremely difficult to enforce, legally? I mean, even in a… monarchy?”

“Diarchy,” Twilight corrected.

“Right, even in a royally governed country like this one, I can’t imagine having a legally ratified charter saying I can’t like, tie knots on Wednesdays would actually hold up in any kind of court.”

Twilight laughed humorlessly. “It wouldn’t. The only reason our Schadenfreude hasn’t challenged it under, really, and number of civil rights laws is because he sees it as a sort of game between him and the Princesses. Training the guards about the list is more just to make sure he isn’t twisting the rules into an unrecognizable, crying knot every other week.”

“...that all does sound like something I would do.”

“Right,” Sunset jumped in, eager to make her point. “Now imagine that-” she emphasized, pointing a hoof at me, “-that mentality right there, in the hands of somepony- will you stop with the face- that has both political influence and direct contact with any number of royal figureheads on a day to day basis! Between your counterpart’s rampant reputation in the national capital, the rate of gossip between magazines, traders, and, you know, our own presiding royalty,” she gestured to Twilight, who barely acknowledged the gesture, having rapidly sunk back into her book, “There’s not a lot of ponies who don’t know who you are. Now, I know none of this is your fault, and while your other you isn’t exactly seen as any kind of villain, famous is still famous, especially in a small town full of gossip. It would only be a matter of time before it got back to Canterlot that there was another one of you running around, and then who knows what would happen?”

“Ok, even giving that I bought all of that, that’s still all based on the underlying, and rather dubious, premise that the other me is horse-famous. You said he’s basically just a more privileged version of me, how can he be famous?” I argued.

“Twilight?” Sunset asked.

The Princess didn’t even look up from her book. “Best friends with the God of Chaos. Made several guard captains cry, including my brother, the head of the royal guard. Sparked at least three international incidents, one of which still hasn’t completely resolved. Has actually, and very annoyingly, saved the world on more than one occasion, including breaking my personal record by doing it three times in one day. Which, as a result, means he’s now recognized as an honorary Class 2 Archeomancer, despite not being able to use magic!”

Sunset’s eyebrows shot up. “Class 2? I thought you were a Class 2? Aren’t there only like, 4 of them?”
“Like I said, honorary. Also, I got demoted after that… incident. Something something leave the puzzle boxes alone wee wah wee wah.”

“...the buck’s an archeomaBBLRHGBRLHGBGBGLHRBRLBRLHGBR.”

“TWILIGHT."

Sure, that's a good idea

Author's Note

Choo-choo, let's gooooooo

Sure, that's a good idea

“Twilight,” Sunset said plainly, staring down the, apparently she’s called an “Alicorn”.

The purple horse bird didn’t respond, but stared at the ground sheepishly.

“Twilight…” Sunset’s voice turned to a low growl.

“OK! I’m sorry I just electrocuted you,” she exclaimed, throwing her hooves in the air.

“Three times,” I pointed out.

“Oh, the first two don’t count. When you got here I was under the impression that it was a, and I’m quoting you here, Sunset, a ‘mild electric shock’. So, maybe a partial apology. The second was because I was teleporting you out of a lab that was catching fire,” she emphasized, glaring at us both.

“Come on, Twilight, you know that’s-”

“Nah, it’s ok,” I interjected, in my much more effeminate than normal girl voice. “She’s technically correct, which is the best kind of correct. But seriously, don’t do that again unless you like, have to. WOW that sucks. And why did your lab explode like that anyway? You’d think that much equipment would have surge protectors on it.”

Sparkle looked both very upset and, god help me, extraordinarily curious about the affair. “Exactly! They DO! The surge of magic from you changing genders is an obscene amount of power! It blew through my surge protections and energy dampers like tissue paper!”

I wasn’t sure if I should be amused or horrified by Sunset’s sudden recoil. “That… that’s a ridiculous level of output. No wonder the shocks are so powerful. Either it’s drawing on local ambient magic, in which case it will never, ever run out of batteries, even in the human world, or it has such an incredible internal power source that you could charge a few city blocks with it.”

I glance precariously at my new ‘attachment’. “So, uh… get it off me?!”

They both look at me, then at each other, like they’d just remembered this is what we’re all here to do. “Right!” Sunset said, a bit louder than necessary. “So, what do we know? It turns you into a girl...”

“Check,” I said, shaking my rear a little for effect.

“It responds to any external magic stimulus with a debilitating electric surge,” Twilight mused.

I feel my stomach roil a bit. “Check.”

“It can’t be physically removed,” said Sunset.

I make an attempt to pull it off with my teeth, as we hadn’t actually tried just taking it off since I started having hooves. No dice. “Rrrr, check.”

“And either internally or externally, it channels an absurd amount of magical energy,” Twilight concluded.

I swear I can hear a fire alarm in the distance, almost in response. “Check. Speaking of which, isn’t your lab, you know, on fire?”

Twilight dismissed the idea with a wave of a hoof. “Please. I’ve got cleansing spells on almost every room in this castle. If anything gets too damaged, burnt, flooded, or straight up exploded, the room, especially my lab, will reset itself to a previously saved template. Which is why I also teleported all of the data we collected, as little as it is, out of the room with us.”

“So why couldn’t we just take shelter somewhere in the lab while it burned, and let the room reset itself, instead of teleporting me and, you know, bzzzzzzt?”

My honestly innocent question was met with a glare. “Well, for one, I panicked, and was more worried about getting ponies away from explosive lab equipment than anything else. Two, as replaceable as it all is, I still would rather not watch all of my favorite scientific instruments burn to the ground. Three, and I cannot stress this enough, we are not part of the previously saved template.”

“...oh,” Sunset and I said in unison. Shimmer continued, “Do I… want to know what happens to ponies who get reset?”

“NO. YOU DO NOT,” Twilight said firmly.

There was a brief but uncomfortable silence after that. I glanced, mildly uncomfortably, around the library. “Well then,” I said finally, trying to change the subject. “Is there… something I can do? Cause I can’t honestly read any of these. Don’t suppose you have any books in, you know, English?”

Both girls looked at me like I’d lost my head. Sunset glanced at Twilight, then back at me. “Uhhh, what do you mean you can’t read them?”

At that moment, boys and girls, I felt a spark. Something small, really, but so noticeable by its recent absence that it almost overwhelmed me. Yes, I discovered the urge to fuck with somebody. So I glanced around, looking for the closest book I couldn’t understand, and dragged it to me (give me a break, hooves are weird). I flipped it open to a random page, and read aloud: “Ahem… horseshoe star unicorn unicorn star lightning bolt swirl horn claw star horn unicorn unicorn horse horseshoe swirl lightning bolt swirl.”

The girls exchanged a somewhat worried glance. Meanwhile I pulled another book from nearby. “Broken line two lines box with lines box of lines broken s two right angles upside down l upside down l really tall u.”

Twilight shook her head in disbelief. “That shouldn’t be happening. Going from one world to the next has always provided some kind of translation effect for people or ponies going either direction.”

I was already on the next book. “Squiggle squiggle squiggle SQUIGGLE squiiiiigggllllleee sqggl squig squiggly squiggle squig.”

“I think we get the point, Schaden,” Sunset deadpanned. “But you’re right, that is weird. I’d say it’s the bracelet keeping outside magic from affecting him, but if that was true he’d still be human. And probably in a lot more pain.”

“Eoal efrfres qri2s,” I continued, reading a local newspaper title. At least I assumed it was the title.

“Yes, Schaden, thank you,” Twilight groaned. “But really, what else could it be? Maybe the bracelet wasn’t considered attached to him when he was being transformed?”

There was actually one book nearby with a single sentence I could understand, but the rest was illegible to me. “Eigi fellr tre við fyrsta högg. Huh, neat.”

“YES WE GET IT SCHA-did you just speak Futhark?” Twilight said, doing a fantastic double-take.

I shrugged. “If that’s what it’s called. There’s a book series I read that uses the phrase once in a while. Literally the only sentence in that language I recognize.”

Sunset rubbed the back of her neck. “Dude, you just gave me some serious whiplash. Let’s… not do that ever again.”

“Every chance I get, got it.”

“No, Schaden, we’re trying to help you here,” Twilight said pointedly. “I know you’ve been reeling it in since we started, but please just try to keep a lid on it for a bit longer.”

“Just constantly with it, nonstop. Whatever you say, boss.”

Sunset rolled her eyes at me. “Schaden, keep this up and I’LL taser you,” she said in a rather familiar ‘I’m absolutely not fucking around’ voice. I mean, I hadn’t even broken out the glitter yet, sheesh.

So the library was a total bust. Not only was it going slow as molasses, with me bored out of my mind and two notorious bookworms just face-melting into every text they could find, there wasn’t actually anything in any of those books that could help me. The girls were at an impasse, and I’d already changed genders three times since we started. Being a male again was nice, although given my skinny non-muscly ass seemed to be just as scrawny in pony form as human, the only real differences were my voice, and everything attached to the far end of my voice.

Sunset and Twilight had been having a quiet argument about what to do next. “We absolutely can’t take him to the Royal Canterlot Archives. The panic would be ridiculous, and there’s no way in Tartarus I’m letting the two of them anywhere near each other,” Twilight debated hotly.

Sunset groaned. “So what’s the alternative? The Castle of the Two Pony Sisters? Just teleporting him fifty feet electrocutes him so bad he throws up. No way he’d survive a jump like that. And don’t even suggest dragging him through the Everfree Forest on hoof. I mean yeah, we could protect him, but I can’t imagine he’d respond too well to anything living in there. Not to mention it’s full of magical creatures. That do magic things. That electrocute him. Some of them even before the bracelet kicks in.”

“Well it’s not like we have a lot of other options! I mean, name one pony we could ask for help that wouldn’t snowball this into an absolute clusterbuck!” Twilight argued.

At this point I was more bored than anything, as any attempt to ‘entertain’ myself had been met with either a scolding, threats, or outright physical restraint. Turns out the bracelet doesn’t consider leather straps animated by magic something to get all shocky over.

Hence why my next statement was said from the surprising comfort of an armchair I was strapped down in. “I’m surprised this place doesn’t have like, some creepy old voodoo witch living in the woods and scaring away kids with poison apples and freaky masks. They usually know what’s up.”

The two gave me a look like I’d just grown a second head. Which I’m pretty sure I would have felt. Then, at once, they exclaimed, “ZECORA!”

“Bless you,” I replied.

“No, you nonse,” Sunset grumbled. “Zecora is a friend of Twilight’s. She’s, well the human equivalent would be like a hoodoo shaman. She lives in the Everfree Forest.”

“...you mean the one we just agreed is very bad for me to go into?” I pointed out.

“Yes, but unlike the entire library of another castle, she can just walk here,” Twilight said.

“Oh. Well, I mean, as much as I loooove the idea of introducing creepy forest shamanism into this mess, and, you know, putting my fate in the hands-HOOVES, sorry-, of some...*sigh* -pony who lives in what sounds like a giant DEATH TRAP, I think I’d rather just risk going for gold in the Electrocution Long Jump event,” I said, with as much sarcasm as I could muster. Which in my case is quite an awful lot.

“Oh come off it, Schaden, you’ll probably like her,” Sunset said dismissively.

“Oh really? And why’s that?”

Sunset grinned at me, a smile I was rather familiar with. “She speaks in rhymes.”

“Sunset if you do not summon forth this mystical forest witch post-haste I will forever glitter-bomb every other other open-able container in your proximity.”

Why not, magical horse rhyming

Author's Note

Sorry bout the wait, been moving into a new apartment.

Why not, magical horse rhyming

As Twilight had gone off on her Mystical Forest Disney Adventure(TM) by herself, Sunset was left alone in the castle library with me. As such, she had deemed it necessary to not untie me. Which was not wholly unwarranted. Distressing, but mildly understandable. Up until- “I’m serious, Sunny, I’s GOTS TO GO.”

“I’M TRYING,” Sunset growled, one of the leather straps in her teeth. She quickly spit it out after a few more tugs. “I’m sorry I don’t have the magical finesse to get you out without shocking you- again, my bad- but seriously, who in their right mind ties somepony down like this?” She grumbled, biting another strap and tugging at it with renewed vigor.

“I guess that would depend on the pony being tied down and the pony doing the tying,” I mused, well, more grumbled. “I mean, this isn’t even the fun kind of-”

“Do NOT. Finish that sentence when I am trying to UNtie you. Seriously, I don’t need to know. EVER,” she added with a renewed tug. Which, surprisingly, (and after about five minutes of trying) broke the strap. At which point she stopped to stare at it.

“... Look, I’m all for admiring your handiwork, but pur-leeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeee GET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR.”

She glared at me. “I’m TRYING to figure out how these straps come undone the easy way, you tumble-dried wank-sock.”

I froze entirely in sheer awe at both the ingenuity of the insult and the readiness in which it was delivered. “How long, exactly, have you been waiting to use that one?”

“Since the Fall Formal. Now hold still, I think I’ve got it. God, you’re like a child sometimes.”

“...I am a child. All the time.”

She paused and blinked, just as the next strap popped open. “Oh, right. I... tend to forget when I’m here.”

“Understandable. I’ve already forgotten what normal color pallets are,” I conceded. “I mean, how do you even keep it straight in your head?”

“Honestly?” she said, popping a leg free, “I don’t, all the time. It’s why I don’t make regular visits here. You basically have to relearn half of everything every time you change dimensions, even for a short time period. Doing it over and over again? I’d probably go nuts. Also, yes, even I find the pastels grating.”

“Oh, come on,” said the familiar voice of a returning Twilight, “They’re not that bad.”

Another pony, or, actually, zebra, trotted in behind her, but before she could get a word out, there was one last POP as the last strap broke free, and I tore through the room like a cat in a cucumber bathtub. “Sorrygottausethebathroomhellostripeyhorsenothingrhymeswithpurpleseeya!”

The laughing would not stop. Three grown-ass women, not a one of them taking this seriously. “Yes, yes, get it out of your system,” I grumbled, climbing back onto the couch, which was now slightly taller from my newly female perspective.

“I... I mean... were you able to get it out of your system?!” Sunset howled, pounding a hoof on the carpet.

“Yes, and it’s a good thing horses pee outside.”

Twilight was doubled over in an armchair. “Y-yes, but not usually at the same time!”

“No, that is a rather unusual situation, having to change genders mid-stream, I agree.”

Zecora, it seemed, had enough self-restraint to stand up, but was still greatly amused. “I agree with my friends both orange and purple, I’m surprised you did not urinate on your curple.”

“I...wait, what? That is not a word. Tell me that’s not a word,” I groaned.

Twilight nodded, still giggling. “It’s the curve of a horse’s rear-end. So yes, not only does something rhyme with purple, you came to the one universe where everyone knows what that word is,” she chided.

I rolled my eyes. “God I hate horses. And magic. This day sucks.”

Zecora raised an eyebrow at me. “How does one despise such a native idea? Such discordance would surely disrupt one’s paideia.”

Twilight smirked at me. “Paideia means-”

“The training of ones mental and physical self to achieve an enlightened state in harmony with ones cultural development. Yes, I paid attention in Greek Lit. And to answer your question, Oh Wise Witch of the Woods, I’m not native,” I explained, before either of the unicorns in the room could interrupt. “What? I would think that information is mildly important to someone trying to help with my current situation,” I emphasized, pointing an accusing hoof at my newest cruel gift from on high.

While Sunset and Twilight exchanged glances, and... I don’t know, telepathy maybe, Zecora walked closer and stared at the bracelet. “This little trinket is what causes such commotion? I was hoping for a beast or some kind of magic potion. If my eyes to not decieve me and I remember true, it’s imperative we get this bracelet off of you.”

“That’s what I’m saying!” I barked.

Twilight’s ears perked up. “Why, do you know what it is?”

“I do, but you’re not going to like the answer,” the zebra said solemnly. “This bracelet was designed by an old archaeomancer. He designed the thing for training, to ...educate young foals, but this stallion’s idea of learning was to rake one over coals. His methods were so cruel they were forbade across the land; including this awful device, once called a Penance Band.”

All the mirth in the room seemed to disappear all at once. Zecora was downright grim, Sunset looked physically ill, and... well, for once, I agreed with Twiggly-Wiggly, as being the most confused people in the room. “What the buck is a Penance Band?” Twilight asked.

Sunset groaned. “It’s a- *hrk* -very old-school ‘reeducation’ device designed by Peyote the Mad. In academic circles, they’re called Retraining Bangles. The idea behind them was that they would survey whoever they were attached too, determine that person’s greatest character flaw, and give them a magical challenge to overcome directly related to that flaw.”

“...ok, so why did you just have to stop yourself throwing up in your mouth?” I asked hesitantly, leaning away.

“Because Zecora’s right, the guy who designed them was a sadistic sociopath,” Sunset growled. “Peyote the Mad was a eugenic utopianist who believed the only way to have a peaceful, productive society was to either breed or train the flaws out of its citizens. The band doesn’t just train out your worst flaw- it trains out the next, and the next, and the next, until you’re basically stripped of your individuality and independent agency altogether. No wonder it’s been electrocuting the crap out of you, that’s exactly the kind of sick aversion tactic he’d use.”

Zecora nodded. “Peyote’s ideals were as sick as described, which is why all his tactics, and that band, are proscribed.”

“...wonderful. You know, I’m supposed to go to a PostCrush concert next weekend...”

“ME TOO,” Sunset shouted, “Ohmigod I am gonna be SO PISSED if we miss that-” she cut herself off, as Twilight and Zecora started giving her weird looks. *Ahem* “Yes, right. Magical contraband. Bad.”

Surprisingly, Twilight’s library did not have any books about Peyote the Mad, which only served to further annoy the Purplest Pointiest Pony Princess on the Prairie (along with that sentence), and Zecora’s knowledge was secondhand at best. Even Sunset, who knew enough about the psycho to hate him from (apparently) 200 years away, didn’t know much about the bracelets beyond what awful torture devices they were. Which, of course, led us back to the laboratory, which had by now plenty of time to reset itself.

“Well, at least we know why pony you is getting worse shocks than human you,” Sunset mused. “Or, at least, a working theory. These bracelets are probably enchanted specifically for ponies. Peyote was kind of a purist.”

“Oh goody, not only am I wearing a semi-lethal brainwashing bracelet, I’m wearing a semi-lethal brainwashing bracelet designed by Horse Hitler,” I growled.

Sunset recoiled. “Oh gods no. He was a psychopath, not a world leader. Think less Adolf and more The Wizard Whateley.”

“Oh yes, because that makes me feel infinity better.”

Twilight looked up from some machine or other to raise a cautious eyebrow. “Do I even want to know who you guys are talking about?”

“NO,” Sunset and I said in unison. Which made Sunny give me a weird look. “What? There’s a big difference between talking religious philosophy and The Third Bucking Reich.”

“Fair. Zecora, how are you... no, scratch that, what are you doing?” Sunset asked, having caught a glimpse of Zecora’s ‘workstation’. Which consisted of a large boiling pot, a pop-up shelf of a wide variety of plants and potions, and the largest motherfucking mortar and pestle I have ever seen in my goddamn life how did they even get that fucker in the room.

“If my theories of magic and the bracelet are true, I may have a way to remove it from you. In Equestria, certain plants are like spells, much like the ones I have here on my shelves. Some are for health, and some are for humor, and some negate magic, if you believe the rumors,” Zecora explained, dropping a very poisonously colorful plant into the pot.

“I swear to god if my life is saved by Dr. Freakin Seuss I’m gonna cry a little inside,” I groaned. “Which, by the way, I’ve been meaning to ask. Apologies if this seems rude- yes I’m apologizing professionals have standards, too -but the rhyming thing. Is it cultural? Familial? Congenital? I’d really rather not mock your admittedly sick verses if it’s something you can’t control, you know?”

Zecora gave me a playful smile. “Do not worry yourself of your jokes and your chiding. My rhymes are a choice, not something I’m hiding. The truth is I used to speak with a stutter. The rhyming has helped smooth my words out like butter. I no longer need them, but they bring me joy. You are not the only one who likes to annoy,” she explained with a wink.

“...ok, Zebras are wayyyyy cooler than you magical pastel pony losers.”

“Twilight, if you want to electrocute him, I’m not looking-”

“NOT AROUND MY EQUIPMENT AGAIN.”

Fine, into the angry bowl.

Author's Note

Tentatively coming back to writing horsewords.

Fine, into the angry bowl.

"I swear to whoever you quadriplebs consider the founder of modern religion I'm just gonna throw myself into the nearest combine harvester if you tell me I have to drink that," I groaned, feeling as ill as Sunset looked moments ago. Zecora was currently leaning over a large, gurgling pot of what looked distinctly like a photo-negative of flowing magma, which had taken her long enough to... concoct that I’d turned back into a girl again.

"While I can understand your apprehension, allow me to relieve some of that tension," Zecora said soothingly, slowly stirring. "This concoction is not meant for pony consumption, though it is not an unexcpeted assumption. This mixture is meant to be bathed in, while hot; now hop your skinny ass into the pot."

I didn't really like that answer any better, but I’d only been half-serious about the harvester. I was willing to do damn near anything to get the ‘Penance Band’ off me, now more than ever knowing what it was for. “If you say so,” I grumbled, stepiing closer to the cauldron. I glance over my shoulder at Twilight and Sunset, “Look, if this is some big giant scheme to cook and eat me-”

“-Oh for buck’s sake Schaden-” Sunset started.

“If you overcook me I will haunt every kitchen you ever set foot- or hoof -in,” I finished, propping myself on the edge of the cast iron death tub. I was just looking for a good angle to heave my now four-limbed body into the pot when Zecora grabbed me by the flank and tilted me in headfirst with one hoof. I jad just enough time to wonder how the hell strong she actually was before my body registered the while hot part of Zecora’s instructions. I came up for air a second later. “SWEET FIXER CHRIST IN A ROCKET MANGER THAT’S TOASTY!”

The girls looked more than a little amused with themselves. “God I wish I’d brought a video camera. This might be the most satisfying thing I’ve seen all day.”

I raised an eyebrow at her. “What, a skinny horse twink shaking his mane in a magical bathtub?”

“And now you’ve ruined it,” Sunset groaned. “Congratulations, the phrase ‘skinny horse twink’ is now scarred into my subconscious like a wood burnt kitchen sign.”

I had lined up another sarcastic comment, as was my wont, when I noticed a distinct humming from my bejeweled arm. Foreleg. Whatever. The entire thing was humming. “Uh, Zecora?” I asked tentatively, holding the buzzing limb aloft. “Is it... supposed to do that?”

Zecora inspected the foreleg, now rumbling slightly, as if full of a bunch of angry bees, and took a few steps back. “I believe the potion is taking effect, if my understanding of this mixture is correct,” she said happily, eyeing the now furiously shaking limb, “Although it is not negating the spell, I believe this experiment will end well. Schadenfreude, I do wish you good luck, to the rest of the room, one word for you: DUCK!” she yelled, and dove-tackled the other two mares.

I was about to ask why, when my shoulder felt for all the world like I’d held a shotgun wrong while firing, as the band shot off my hoof with all the enthusiasm and force of a gauss rifle slug who was just so happy to be here, dammit, crossing the room and carving a hole in the basement wall in an alarmingly short amount of time.

Meanwhile, on the other end of the physics equation, I was launched out of the cauldron at shoulder-braking speed, landing squarely between a workdesk and an electric coil. “SCHADEN!” Twilight and Sunset yelled.

I felt myself slide down the wall, almost comically, landing gently on the floor, with the image of three ponies running at me with worried expressions before I blacked out.”

I slowly woke to the kind of soreness reserved for the day after hauling logs or moving house. “Hrrmmmfugoinoner?” I felt myself grumble, well before any other part of my body had come to. My eyes slowly slid open, once again reacquainting themselves with satan’s daughter’s color scheme. I noticed three of the brightly colorful things in my immediate field of view were moving, and... staring at me.

“Oh thank Celestia you’re awake,” Twilight sighed in relief.

Sunset nodded. “Yeah, good to have you back. How are you feeling?”

“Remember that time I asked Bulk Biceps for a backrub?” I groaned.

Sunset flinched a little. “That bad, huh?”

“No, I’m saying I’m starting to miss that,” I grunted, sliding towards the edge of the bed. Or, I started too, till my shoulder screamed in protest. I glanced at it, and saw the new sling it was in. I felt a surge of joy at the absence of the bracelet, as part of me had worried it would find it’s way back from the wall. A surge midly dimmed by the fact that my arm was probably broken, and significantly diminshed by the observation that “I’m still a bucking girl?!”

Sunset and Twilight flinched. Zecora, who I was slowly sensing was a bit more pragmatic, and possesing a better bedside manner, stepped in quickly, “Removing the band was priority one; be glad that at least that much is done. Magic no longer electrocutes you, and now we can do a more thorough review. We now only need to unravel this curse, be grateful that things had not gotten worse.”

I shook my head slowly. “Oh don’t say that,” I grumbled. “So you’re saying I’m still changing? That’s wonderful. Gonna make having a broken arm just a ton of fun, I bet.”

Twilight smiled sheepishly. “Wellll...”

“Oh for buck’s sake what now?” I snapped.

“Good news and bad news, Douchehorse,” Sunset deadpanned, with a hint of a smile. “Good news is your arm’s not broken, just wildly dislocated. We popped it back into it’s socket, and healed some of the torn muscles, but walking around on that’s gonna... not happen for a while. Neither is the gender change thing.”

“But you said you got the bracelet off, and all that was left was the curse,” I said, slightly panicked.

“Correct,” Sunset exclaimed, “The curse that turned you into a girl. That was in effect when we got the bracelet off you. The bracelet that is now in a hundred pieces of shrapnel fifty feet into the ground. Sideways. Also the bracelet that was activating the countercurse we don’t know every hour. That’s some of the bad news. More of the good news is, because you no longer turn into ball lightning in the presence of magic, our options have now exponentially increased, as have our resources.”

She stopped talking, and I knew, I knew it was to get me to ask what the rest of the bad news was. Although, given her expression, and Twilight looking downright dour I wasn’t sure if the bad news was for me or her. “Alright, fine. I’ll bite. What’s the rest of the bad news?”

Twilight groaned. “While you were unconscious, we ran some more tests, now that we could. You’ve been out for almost a day, by the way, so you know. I was hoping to have an answer for you, or even have cured you entirely, before you woke up. Ideally, you’d have just come to in your own bed with a sling on your arm and your gender where you found it.”

“But...” I continued for her.

Heaving a sigh, she pressed on, “But all my tests came back inconclusive. I have no idea which gender bending spell -yesthereismorethanonedon’tgetmebuckingstarted- this is. And of course there’s only one other place in all of Equestria where I-we, can go for answers.”

Between Twilight’s progressing gloom, and Sunset’s smile-bordering-on-rictus, I was terrified to ask, “Where?”

“WE’RE GOING TO CANTERLOT!” Sunset yelled.

Great, this will end well.

For as much enthusiasm as Sunset put into that proclamation, I sensed an equal and opposite amount of sarcasm. Something that I have a well-tuned sense of. “Why do I get the feeling you’re holding that smile in place just so you don’t scream?” I asked, entirely sure I did not want an answer. Need? Yes. But no, did not want.

“Well, uh… you remember those long drawn out conversations we had around the time of the Fall Formal about how you’re constantly dealing with an entire school of people -sans a few outliers- who find you generally distasteful on principal?” Sunset asked tentatively. Even though you’ve only really interacted with a couple dozen of them at length? And how, while you say you’re ok with that, because you have a decent circle of friends, everyone who knows you knows that’s only partially true?”

I gave her a disapproving look. “Do you also remember the part where that was nobody else’s bucking business?”

She, at least, seemed to feel a little bad about that. “Well, it is now. Cause if you thought Canterlot High was bad, Canterlot The Royal Capital of Equestria is much worse. Keep in mind the ‘you’ from this side of reality grew up in Canterlot, has had many, many, many encounters with the guards, and has the personal eye and ear of the leaders of the country, as well as over half a dozen diplomats from around the world, is best friends with, and I mean this in the most literal possible sense, THE GOD OF CHAOS, has several honorary prestigious titles, and, apparently, outranks both Twilight and I in certain circles-”

“HONORARY!!!”

“-and still manages to be wildly disliked by a large population of the populace. He got his job as butler to a prince as a punishment to the prince. This Schadenfreude is you, if you managed to somehow become a White House Aid and stop a second Missile Crisis within an hour of each other, then proceeded to glue all the furniture of the Oval Office to the ceiling. I don’t think you’re ready for how much Canterlot isn’t prepared for two of you,” Sunset emphasized.

I sat up in bed, somewhat shell-shocked. “And you want to bring me there… why?!”

Sunset shook her mane. “Oh, no. I’m not taking you anywhere near Canterlot. That was all to explain why, in no uncertain terms, are you to leave this bed until your arm has healed, or we get back.”

Zecora, who for a second had blended into the background (an impressive feat given her stark contrast with the surroundings), nodded and smiled at me. “I will be staying to make sure you heal. Be assured I understand how you feel. Waiting around for others to try to fix all your problems while seconds tick by. I’ll keep you company till they return, at least that much sympathy I think you’ve earned.”

“...ok, so if I’m staying here, and you’re going to the Royal Capital alone, why do you two girls look so put out?” I asked. I was not… enthusiastic about the idea of sitting around waiting for someone else to save the day for me, but marching my injured, female self to the magical capital of the world where everyone seemed to hate me seemed like a much worse option.

Twilight’s eye twitched. “Because… since my demotion in the Equestrian National Unicorn Society, there’s only three ponies in Canterlot with the clearance to the Restricted Section of the Canterlot Archives. One of them is Princess Celestia, who, and I can NOT stress this enough, I really don’t want to explain this scenario to. Another is Princess Luna, who is largely responsible for my demotion, and is of the opinion I should not be left to the restricted section unsupervised, since that’s where I found the puzzle box that got me demoted in the first place. I would also rather avoid that conversation if possible.”

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Wait, who’s the third pony… no. Twilight, no. Please, please tell me you’re not thinking what I think you’re thinking just to avoid a conversation with the Princesses.”

“But this is a problem from the human world!” Twilight exclaimed. “I can’t go to the Princess and tell her I can’t solve this one either!”

“...what do you mean, this one?” I grumbled.

“The memory stone Wallflower used,” Sunset explained. “I simply nodded in recognition as she continued, “But Princess Celestia was more than happy to help then!”

“They’re also still rather unhappy with a bunch of humans being led through Ponyville as a shortcut to Canterlot High,” Twilight said.

“Ok, that’s not fair, that was my… oh. Ohhhhhhh….” Sunset trailed off. “They, uh… don’t know that was me, do they?”

“Nope. I took the heat for that one, too, just so Celestia wouldn’t go all ‘disapproving mom’ on you the next time you met,” Twilight said.

“Awww, thank you. So wait… this would kind of be strike three, wouldn’t it?”

I couldn’t help but interject. “Nope. Nuh-uh. How is that ok?”

Both unicorns… alicorns… pointy ponies raised an eyebrow at me. “Why… do you care?” Twilight asked.

“Cause it’s not your fault!” I barked “The memory stone was… ok, I don’t know the whole story there, but there is no way in hell you could have foreseen that shenanigans. I also happen to know, through a very blabbermouthy bodybuilder, that the storm staff thing was an unmitigated disaster and you only dragged everyone through Equestria to keep them from drowning. Not to mention we don’t even know who put this bracelet ON ME yet! How are you taking the heat for any of this?!”

Twilight almost looked touched. “That’s sweet, but it’s not just the Princesses I’d have to explain this to. I’d have to explain to them why I need access to the archives, and if anything went south, they’d have to tell the Chancellors.”

“So it’s not just a question of the Princess's approval,” Sunset cut in, “There’s also a huge bureaucratic nightmare waiting in the wings if, Celestia forbid, this gets any worse.”

Twilight groaned. “And there’s only one pony currently in Canterlot with access to the archives and a penchant for skirting both the rules AND the rulemakers.”

That didn’t sound pleasant. “And that would be…”

“YOU!” I heard a Royal Guard bark from down the hall.

I spun on my hooves. “ME!”

“Why the hell are you roaming the halls on the clock, Schadenfreude?! Everyone in the Castle knows you’re not allowed to leave Blueblood’s side during the day!” said the angry white unicorn, stomping up to me.

“I am also not allowed anywhere near the griffon embassy or it’s representatives!” I explained.

His expression, turned to slight confusion, without losing a drop of anger. An impressive feat, no matter how many guards I see do it. “Why is that impor… tant…” he trailed off. “Oh my god it’s Beak Week.”

Beak Week, also known as the International Avian Diplomatic Conference, was a relatively newly established venture. Being only three years old, the event was both a sporting and cultural festival, and an international conference to debate aerial trade routes, cultural relations, and weather management. Basically, a week of everyone from griffins to hippogriffs, changelings to dragons and, of course, pegasi, to argue over who got to fly what where and why. Given that I was barred from any and all interaction with at least two-thirds of the relevant diplomats, and that Blueblood was, as a member of the Royal family, required to attend any and all diplomatic functions held within Canterlot city limits, I had, for the first time in a while, an entire week off. “So what are /you doing today?” I asked enthusiastically, which caused the guard to turn and march in the other direction. At speed.

Well, half a week off, to be fair. The conference was only for four days, and today was halfway into day one. I also didn’t expect to have all of the fourth day to myself. What I did have, however, was hundreds of flying guests from a hooffull of different countries who weren’t diplomats, and who had never heard of me. While most creatures who did would assume, not without precedent, that I would be taking this time to find as many new victims as possible, I wasn’t after a cheap four-day fix. I didn’t want just one small window of opportunity to mess with people. And, admittedly, I wasn’t looking to cause an international incident (again).

No. I had much bigger plans. With new species come new ideas. New cultures. New inventions. New pranks. I fully intended to spend the next four days learning as many new ways as I could to be absolutely irreverently annoying to the people I already knew.

“Schadenfreude!” I heard a familiar voice yell from behind me. Not angrily though, which was new. Turning around, I was quickly reminded that one of the greatest tools in my arsenal was also the largest double-edged sword one could carry: Murphy’s Law. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. And, of course, I was not immune.

“Hello, Twilight Sparkle. And… friend?”

Author's Note

Sorry these are a bit shorter than the rest of the story.

Fantastic, it's him again.

Author's Note

So I've noticed some confusion in the comments as to some of the events in the story. This story, along with all other Schadenfreude stories I've written, are all a part of the same canon. The newest chapters in HATES MAGIC refer specifically to the events of Schadenfreude Does a Thing, so you might want to read that if you need a refresher.

Fantastic, it's him again.

The new, bright-orange-and-red unicorn looked tensely at me. “Hello,” she said with a practiced, and overly polite, smile. “I’m Sunset Shimmer. Twilight and I have come to you to ask about a rather… unique problem.”

Sunset Shimmer. I know that name. I know I know that name. Sunset… Shimmer... “Pleasure to meet you! I’m going to assume by the barely-contained excitement in your voice that my reputation precedes me! My name is Schadenfreude von Douchehorse. Royal Butler, Honorary Class 2 Archeomancer~” I added with an eye waggle at Twilight. I took great pleasure in reminding the Princess of Friendship that there was, in fact, someone who could outrank her. On accident. At least she’d stopped lighting me on fire when I did so.

She was distinctly not amused, although she showed great restraint in leaving me unscathed. “Actually, Schaden. That’s why we’re here. As much as it physically, psychically, and emotionally scars me to say this, we need your he- your he… your hel- WOW this is hard.”

Sunset rolled yer eyes. “Schaden, we need your help. Specifically, we need the supervision -(hurk) oh Celestia I think I just threw up in my mouth a little- of a… Class 2 Archeomancer.”

Now, I’d had a few very brief, very shining moments like these. The moment I was first told I was going to be Blueblood’s butler. My first date with Derpy. A couple other personal moments in my life that, while brief, shone like the sun. Pure, perfect moments in which everything lines up exactly perfectly for me. “Oh, Twilight, what did you do?”

“What?! What do you mean what did I do?!” she barked.

“Twilight, you and I both know there’s only one place in all of Canterlot a Class 2 Archeomancer has access to that a Class 3 does not,” I explained smugly. “It’s literally the only reason they gave me the honorary title, because it’s the only place in Equestria with the necessary safegaurds to store the Shatterbox. And, having been the pony who solved the damn thing, I was given my Class 2 status specifically for the express purpose of keeping tabs on the shiny evil little bastard. Also with the added technicality that there wasn’t anything else in the Restricted Section that I could, or even wanted, to use.”

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Ok, what does that have to do with Twilight doing something wrong?”

“Because, miss Sunset-” There it was. It kept on bugging me. Where the hell do I know that name from?! “-The only reason Twilight would need to use the Restricted Section so badly as to come to me for assistance is because something went wrong. Moreover, it went so wrong that she would rather deal with me, voluntarily, in the flesh, than have to explain to either Princess Luna or Celes...ti...a…” Then it clicked. Fell into place like dominoes. Oh my god. OH. MY GOD. I KNOW NOW. “*ahem* Celestia what exactly it is that went wrong. So one of two things has happened. Either A: some kind of horrible ‘Friendship Problem’ has reared its ugly head and you’re determined to handle it yourself, OR,” I added, with a knowing look at Sunset. One she responded to with a rather puzzled expression, “Something happened in that weird alternate bipedal dimension I keep hearing about.”

Sunset’s expression went from confusion to alarm rather quickly, though she did her best to regain her composure. Too little, too late. I KNEW it. “Now, neither of these would entirely exclude the Diarchy as a viable recourse, as they’re both relatively reasonable ponies, and have plenty of experience with things getting out of hoof, unless you were somehow directly responsible for whatever it is you need one of the most secretive and dangerous collections of magical knowledge and history in all of Equestria to fix.”

Twilight’s eyes twitched back and forth. “Weellll… yes and no. You were right about the… weird bipedal dimension thing, although I have no idea how you know about that-”

“-Celestia-”

“-of course she would. But it is not entirely my fault. Actually, screw that. It’s not my fault at all. Unfortunately-” she added, as I opened my mouth to ask many annoying questions, “-I’m closing in on three strikes, and would rather avoid the absolute bureaucratic nightmare that is the Equestrian National Unicorn Society if at all possible.”

I nodded sagely. “That does make a great deal of sense. They are surprisingly eager to flex what little authority they have over the Royal family. They were almost disturbingly eager to revoke Blueblood’s membership. Although that might just be him.”

Both Sunset and Twilight smiled a little. “No, that’s probably entirely my-” Sunset cut herself off. “-he probably did that to himself.”

“Quite,” I said, raising an eyebrow at her. “So, to narrow things down, you need me, that is, the only non-royalty in Equestria with access to the Restricted Section-” yes, yesss, twitch little alicorn eyebrows, twitch “-to chaperon you and your… unicorn friend here to said Restricted Section. I would imagine you also do not want me to report this to either of the Princesses, the ENUS, or anyone that might pass along the information”

“Yesss….” she said through gritted teeth.

What a great day. “Which means…”

“Schaden, don’t” Twilight grunted.

“Which meeeaaannnnssss…”

“Schadenfreude, I swear to the sun…”

“Say it.”

“NO.”

“Say it. SAY IT. I love it when you say it,” I chided.

“...I… owe… you… a fa- a fahahaha- a falalala- a frrrbrbrgrlrlrbghrl-” Twilight struggled. I. Could not. Be happier.

“Once more for the ponies in the back,” I said encouragingly.

“I OWE YOU A FAVOR!” Twilight roared, then quickly covered her mouth as a passing guard gave her an odd look.

Sunset patted her shoulder consolingly. “It’s ok, Twilight. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.”

“Actually….” I said. Then just looked at Twilight expectantly.

She stared at me. I smiled back. She growled at me. I continued to smile. Finally, she sighed. “TWICE,” she added, with an almost gargantuan sense of defeat.

It’s the little victories.

“My word this is boring,” I grumble aloud, leaning into my hoof as I stare lazily into space. Seated in an admittedly cozy lounge chair in the corner, my eyes struggled to stay open as I watched the two mares pour over volume after volume, and no shortage of scrolls.

“You know, you’re not exactly helping,” growled Sunset.

“Hey! My help was getting you two here in the first place. Also, I offered to look with you, but you won’t even tell me what we’re looking for!” I argued, rather effectively. If I do say so myself. Which I did.

Sunset gave Twilight a pleading glance. “You know this would go faster with another set of eyes, Twilight.”

“Mmm-hmm,” the alicorn said noncommittally.

“And he’s just gonna be a pain in our flanks until we either finish or give him something to do,” Shimmer continued.

“Yeah-huh,” said the Princess, not looking up from her book.

“You know what? Buck it. We’re looking for-”

“Don’t TELL him!” Twilight barked, now giving the conversation her full attention.

“Why in the Tartarus not?!”

“What if… what if he learns how to use it?!”

Sunset leveled the most deadpan stare I have ever seen in my life. Which, given my varied and well-traveled experience, was an extremely impressive feat. “What if he learns how to use it?”

“Well, yeah!”

“Twilight. It’s a counterspell,” Sunset groaned.

“Shhh!”

“A counterspell to a very, very specific gender changing spell,” the unicorn continued.

“Shut up!”

“HE’S A BLOODY EARTH PONY!”

“He knows Enochian!”

“HE- wait… what?!”

I nodded sagely. “Indeed. I speak two living languages and four dead ones.”

“H-how?” Sunset asked desperately.

“My room is directly above Princess Luna’s,” I explained. “Who talks in her sleep. I’ve been learning Old Words involuntarily for years now. Which, I might add, doesn’t actually let me use magic, Twilight. That’s a common misconception born from a time when magic items were encoded with Words of Power, commonly written in dead tongues like R’lhyen, Enochian, Babbleonian, etc. Earth Pony scholars kept setting off the devices by reading the inscriptions because those artifacts used stored magic. That practice went out of style when tribalism cooled down, and unicorns started accepting that Earth ponies and pegasi could be scholars, too.”

Twilight, I could tell, was visibly torn between being wrong and learning something. “Where did you even pick that up?”

I shrugged. “I made the same mistake. Princess Luna was more than happy to sit me down for a history lesson and explain exactly why nopony was worried about me having access to the archives, because outside of keeping an eye on the box, and becoming the BEST at trivia night, there was literally nothing for me to gain from coming down here. Which was a distinct disappointment when I realized I would not, in fact, be able to give you a panic attack by casting a spell you didn’t know.”

“I knew you would do something like that!” Twilight yelled.

“Yes, yes, I’m an annoying prick. Now do you want me to help you or not?”

“NOT.”

“Twilight…” Sunset started.

“...fine. Would you please he… hel… oh god it’s in my throat. Heeeeeellllp meeee….” she choked out.

“You know, I didn’t even know I needed this until now,” I said, beaming.

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Schaden…”

“Yes, yes, off to work. Now what am I looking for?” I asked, hopping down from my chair and making my way to the nearest bookshelf.

“Like I said earlier, we’re looking for a counterspell to a gender reassignment curse,” Sunset explained, while Twilight tried to brush the taste off her tongue with a hoof.

“Wonderful, that narrows it down. I don’t suppose you know what’s casting this curse?” I groaned. The sheer number of gender change spells, hexes, curses, and enchantments available to pony kind was staggering.

“Something called a Penance Band-” Sunset cut herself off as I turned at speed away from the bookshelf and found a nearby wastebin to empty my stomach into. “-which I’m guessing you’ve heard of?”

A few minutes later, after some dry heaving and a more thorough explanation of things, I found myself absolutely indignant. “And somepony did this to a child?!” I screeched.

“We’re not sure,” Sunset said calmly, in an effort to calm me down. “We don’t even know if someone did this on purpose. Magic on the other side doesn’t work the same way, and there’s apparently a freakin’ flea market’s worth of magical objects just literally lying around in the tall grass waiting for someone to pick them up.”

“Oh that’s just delightful. Where the hell did all that Equestrian Magic come from, anyway?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Apparently, some of the more… famopus figures in Equestria’s history weren’t exactly the best at cleaning up after themselves. Starswirl the Bearded-”

“-Clover the Clever-”

“-the Storm King-”

“-Discord-”

“Right,” I interjected. “So this… human world was, until recently, just a dumping ground for bad magic?”

Sunset flinched a little. “Kind of? I mean, a few more notorious monsters from Equestrian history were also just dumped into that dimension. Celestia knows what else got left behind. But, in what is proving to be a series of ‘unfortunatelys’, that’s a problem for later. Right now we’re just trying to help this kid get back to his regular life. I mean, I kind of owe it to him, I feel partially responsible.”

Twilight gave her a consoling look. “Oh, Sunset, we don’t even know if the Band was a recent thing. It could have been dumped there ages ago to keep it out of harms way. You shouldn’t feel responsible just because you brought new magic to Equestria.”

I gave them both a curious look. “That’s where this sense of misplaced guilt comes from? I thought it was just a by-product of Celestia being your mom.”

“EK-FUCKING-SCUSE ME?!” Twilight roared.

“GODDAMMIT SCHADENFREUDE!”

Wonderful, more good news.

My word there was a lot of yelling going on. Twilight yelling at Sunset, Sunset yelling at me. It’s a good think the archives were buried underground in a stone cave, although they probably weren’t doing anything to quell the rumors that the particular section of the library where the hidden door was was haunted. Probably for the best. Where was I? Oh yes, yelling.

“What do you MEAN Princess Celestia is your MOM?!”

“How the hell did you find out anyway?!”

“We’ve known each other for years and you never told me?!”

“You didn’t even stop to think that maybe, just maybe, you should not tell anyone?!”

“Why did you never tell me?! Why did Celestia never tell me?! Why did I have to hear it first from this douchecanoe?!”

“Douchehorse,” I corrected.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP SCHADENFREUDE!”

I considered sitting back and just letting them yell themselves hoarse (he-he), but to my chagrin, and probably much more to the poor soul we were down here to help, time was a small factor here. “Not that I don’t take great pleasure in disobeying a direct order,” I said calmly, “But isn’t this a conversation we should be having after we solve this poor child’s gender problem?”

“Are you kidding?!” Sunset barked. “I’m not even sure I want to help you now!”

I paused, confused. “Wait, I though I was helping you.”

Sunset stopped, her eyes went wide, and she paled rather intensely. “No, you’e right. We’re uh, you’re here to help us. Absolutely.”

I gave Twilight a sideways glance, who looked absolutely panicked. Then a small thought occurred to me, and for once in my life I wanted very much to be wrong. “Twilight?” I asked quietly.

“Y-yes, Schaden?”

“What’s the human’s name?”

“What… uh… what do you mean?”

“The human. Who had the Penance Band. Who we’re trying to turn back into a guy. What. Is his name?” I could feel myself both panicking and growing distinctly annoyed.

“I’m, um, not sure how that makes a difference. I’m sure the spell isn’t specifically targeted at the pon-er-person, so we probably don’t need it to find a counter-”

“TWILIGHT,” I said sternly. Which was more than enough to stop Twilight mid-sentence, a feat I had rarely if ever accomplished in my lifetime. Even Sunset stood straighter, and was still paler than driven snow. “Of all the ponies in the world who could have gotten you into this room, you came to me. Whether that has anything to do with the… patient or not, I’m not sure. But if you’re going to ask me for help, especially help this big, I’d ask, no expect, a little more transparency. So what does Sunset mean by ‘help me’? Why does this unicorn-” I pointed a hoof at the now slightly shaking Shimmer, “Talk not only like she’s met me before, but has done so with regularity? Who, exactly, is the child -from a dimension in which we all have weird bipedal clones walking around- that we’re trying to help?”

All of this I said with an air of authority I didn’t know I had, as I spoke tensely and quietly to a now rather scared-looking pair of mares who, for all intents and purposes, looked like I’d caught them smoking in the bathroom during class. “It’s… uh… you,” Sunset said slowly.

“...what.”

“What,” I said again, staring at nothing in particular, after a somewhat wordy explanation from both mares. At the same time.

Sunset sighed heavily. “You- I mean he- the other Schaden,” at which point she stopped to shiver, which I was too shell-shocked to enjoy, “Came to me for help a few days ago, with the Band still on his arm. It took a bunch of trial and error, and eventually a magic potion from a zebra-”

“-WHAT-”

“-to get it off. Unfortunately, he was a she when that happened, which meant, we found out later, she was stuck like that until we found the counterspell the bracelet was casting automatically. Which we couldn’t find in Twilight’s books, so we came here,” she finished, exasperated.

Twilight opened her mouth to say something, to which I just raised a hoof. “Don’t. Not EVEN.” To her credit, she did think better of it, and stayed quiet. A silence which lasted for a few moments until I gathered my wits a little “Twilight.”

Sparkle jumped a little. “Y-yes?”

“You remember how, a few minutes ago, you told me about the Penance Band, and I promptly vomited into a trash can?”

“Uh… yes?”

I sighed a little, trying to set aside some of this rather disconcerting simmering rage I could feel building up inside me. “Well, you were right. I have heard of it before. Far back wall, upstairs, bottom shelf. You’ll have to reach around a small stalagmite to get it.”

The princess had already taken off, only stopping at the top of the stairs to ask, “And, uh… what book am I looking for?”

“The Youth of Equestria and How to Correct Them, by Peyote the Mad.”

She flinched appropriately at the title, and set off to find it. With only one other pony to deal with at the moment, I found myself calming down a little. “Sunset.”

“Yes!” Shimmer said loudly, still nervous. “I mean, uh… yes?” she repeated in a much calmer voice.

“While I am still not happy that my own personal attachment to this… problem… was kept a secret, I can, at least a little, understand your hesitation in keeping this from me,” I reasoned. “Given what little I know about the human world, it occurs to me that there’s a distinct probability the… ‘other me’ is just as, well, me as I am. I can understand your reluctance to dealing with two of us simultaneously, and the idea of keeping me from knowing there’s more than one of me trotting around Equestria right now. So to speak,” I added, remembering what they’d told me about the busted shoulder I had suffered.

Sunset sighed a little. “Well, thanks, I guess?”

I nodded, as an ‘A-ha’ rang out from the background. Apparently Twilight found the book. “To answer your ‘other’ question, Celestia at no point had asked me to keep your familial relationship a secret. While I can understand you not wanting to know that the ruler of Equestria is your mother, I get the distinct impression that Celestia is in no way ashamed to call you her daughter.”

The orange pony smiled, and got a little choked up. “Awww, that’s sweet. Now when’s the other horseshoe drop?” she added, with a dry smile.

“Gimme a minute,” I answered, as Twilight trotted up with a large tome. While nowhere near as large as The History of Equestria Vol. 1, Peyote the Mad’s written works were long-winded and disturbingly detailed. Twilight dropped it on the table with a large ‘THUD’.

“So how do you know this book has the counterspell in it?” Sunset asked. “I mean, I assume you’ve read it, of course, but even given that I only know teenage human you I would assume you don’t have a magically inclined academic background.”

“Table of Contents,” I said simply, flipping the book open. “Chapter 7: Penance Bands, Construction and Application.”

Twilight flinched. “I’m not going to like this book, am I?”

“No,” Sunset and I said together.

Several minutes later, the mood in the majority of the room had turned sour. Sunset was emotionally drained, and Twilight was visibly distressed. “So… there’s no way to turn him back?” Sunset asked quietly.

“...actually,” I replied, a thought having occurred to me.

“No,” Twilight answered, either having not heard me or ignoring me on instinct. “The countercurse is cast once every hour because if it isn’t, the gender change spell becomes permanent after four.”

“Well…” I said a bit louder.

“So you’re telling me that we electrocuted a kid, nearly tore his shoulder out of his socket, knocked him unconscious for a day, TURNED HIM INTO A PONY AGAINST HIS WILL, and we can’t even send him home in his own gender?!” Sunset barked, tears of frustration in her eyes.

“Now that you mention it-” I answered, at a noticeable volume.

“What?!” both girls yelled at me.

“There might not be a counter-curse, but there is a spell that can permanently reassign his gender, by default fixing the issue,” I explained.

Both of them looked ready to kill me. Which, given how correct I was being, was practically flirting. “What do you MEAN?!” Twilight screeched. “Why didn’t you tell us this ‘sooner’?!”

“Three reasons,” I said pointedly. “One, the spell has a few stipulations, not the least of which being that it requires the presence, and a portion of flesh, from when the subject was the opposite gender, which means it only works on somepony who has changed genders, and also has a living male clone and or counterpart lying around. Which, leads me to number two, I didn’t know this was an option, since I didn’t know it was ME,” I said pointedly, which served to temper their anger a bit.

“And three?” Twilight asked after a moment.

“There’s no written record of it. I only know it exists through conversation, and I only know one pony in all of Equestria who can cast it. Which means…” I added, trailing off intentionally.

Sunset raised a worried eyebrow. “Which means…? ...no. No, Schaden, you have to be kidding.”

I was already walking to the door. “I’m gonna tell your mom, Sunset Shimmer!”

Author's Note

You're gonna get in trou-ble!

Oh good, we're back to this.

“I have SEVERAL questions,” Sunset Shimmer said, now from a rather precarious angle on the back wall. “I mean, like, a LOT of questions.”

“I’m sure you do, dear,” Celestia replied, in that condescending mom tone that just screams ‘Can we please move along now?’ “But I believe we have more pressing matters to attend to.”

“Nah, I wanna hear this one,” I interjected. Yes, there are many times when I do, in fact, forget Celestia runs the country. It’s actually a common mistake among castle staff who spend too much time with her or her family. The princess of course gave me a look that said Not right now. “Ok fine, can she at least ask while we walk? Or… fly? Please don’t tell me we’re teleporting.”

“Schadenfreude,” Celestia continued, now on her ‘Serious Royal Business’ voice, “As much as I hate to admit it, Ponyville is ground zero for almost anything terrible that can, or has, happened to this country in the last ten years. I feel as though this particular entourage walking or flying into town would cause more than a little panic among the populace. It would be more prudent to simply teleport directly into Twilight’s Castle and avoid the crowds.”

“Fine, but somepony better take a chuck-it bucket, cause teleportation and I don’t get along,” I said, already feeling queasy. I steadied myself with a hoof to the chest as Discord had a chuckle at my expense.

“Shouldn’t we go get Twilight first?” Sunset asked.

“Oh, yes. Twilight Sparkle. My most. Faithful. Student,” Celestia grunted. “Yes, let’s go have a few words with her.”

As the lot of us marched off to the Restricted Section again, Sunset turned her attention on Discord. “Ok, I have to ask. Peyote the Mad?”

Discord, who had taken to floating in the air alongside, as he found walking as distasteful as the color gray, for very similar reasons, rolled his eyes. In his palm. “I’ve had better moments, of course.”

“No, but I mean, he was a pony. We have drawings of him. He-”

“Sunset,” I interrupted. “You’re talking to someone who can trade heads with people, turn rocks into pony-eating vines, and disassemble himself at almost a cellular level. Turning into a pony isn’t exactly far-fetched.”

Sunset sighed in resignation. “Ok, fine, but the mad racial purist thing?”

“Well, I’ve always been mad,” Discord joked. After Sunset just stared at him, he continued, “It was an experiment, you see. Around the time the tribes had started all that boring getting along nonsense, I was poking around what would soon become Equestria. I came across a particularly grumpy batch of old unicorn stallions who, as seems to be the case in every generation, were absolutely opposed to anything resembling change. Which is hilarious to me. So I decided, in my infinite wisdom, to show them just how absolutely wrong they were.”

“By giving them exactly what they wanted,” Sunset said, with reluctant understanding.

“Naturally. And in the worst way possible. I mean, without killing anyone. Murder is permanent, and therefore boring. I fact, there was an awful lot of soon-to-be Equestria I found boring, but that’s another story.

“You keep talking like you’d just got there. Here… whatever.”

“What, you didn’t think I was from here, did you?” he added, seeing the puzzled look on Sunset’s face.

“So where the hell are you from?” Sunset asked.

“Couldn’t tell you if I wanted to,” Discord said through a snide smile. “No idea. The problem, my dear, with being a being of pure chaos for so long is that not everything settles into place properly, including memories, when one finally decides to settle down. I remember quite a bit of being Peyote, mind you, if only because it’s probably the longest I’ve ever held a physical form. My current visage notwithstanding, mind you. Peyote was, as I said, an experiment. A bunch of warring pony tribes finally settling down and carving out their differences? Why, of course I’d want to help! And what better way to settle your differences than-”

“Making sure you don’t have any,” I finished for him. “So the Penance Band was a really sick joke at the expense of a bunch of ponies trying to peacefully resolve a civil war?” I said with no lack of disgust.

“Schadie, we’ve talked about this. I. Used. To be. Evil. Never in a million years would I create something so horrendous now,” he insisted, insulted. “I mean, of course I would make a bracelet that changes your gender every so often, that’s hilarious.”

“...objectively, yes,” I conceded. “As long as there’s an easy undo button.”

“Speaking of which,” Sunset mused. “I thought the spell became permanent if left alone for too long, which is why the bracelet turned you back every hour.”

“Ha! Who told you those silly lies?” Discord laughed.

“It was in a book… by… Peyote… You motherfucker,” Sunset growled.

“Dear, nearly everything written in that book is a farce, a gaff, a joke, a prank, or a misdirection. Sure, the instructions on how to make the artifacts are accurate within acceptable degrees, but the warnings and vile tripe are just stage dressing. Something to ruffle the historian’s trousers,” Discord explained. “I mean yes, there technically is only one countercurse to the gender change spell, which would be ME,” he admitted, “And only a small hoofful of techniques to reverse the change should the countercurse become unavailable, but what in the world would make you think the Lord of Chaos would do anything with permanance behind it? There’s more than a few spells built into that bracelet, my dear, should any of them fail or be countered. All I’ll need to do is activate one and-”

“Oooooohhh….” Sunset groaned, with a sideways glance.

Celestia, who had been presumably ignoring us until now, stopped. Without turning around, she said, “Ooooooohhhhh, what, Sunset?”

“So, remember how we bathed… other Schaden -blech- in anti-magic potion?”

Celestia slowly turned her head. “Yes?”

“And remember how it shot off his hoof fast enough to dislocate his shoulder?”

“Yesssss……”

“Well, it’s currently… in a wall.”

“...and?”

“And in a bout a hundred pieces.”

Discord flinched. “That, uh… is not good.”

“HOW not good?” I asked.

“Well… how do you feel about jigsaw puzzles, Schaden?”

“I quite enjoy them, actually.”

Discord smiled and waved a paw. “Oh, then we’re fine.” I raised an eyebrow at him, and he continued, “What? I hate tiny puzzles! It’s booooooooooooooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnguuuuuuuhhhhh….” he said slowly, melting into the floor in protest.

Celestia paused, took a breath, and kept moving. “Discord, the next time you have something distressing to say, please make sure it’s bad news for more than just you.”

Of course, Twilight was right where we left her, pacing back and forth in the Restricted Section, mumbling to herself. Although her mane was in a rather distressed state. “-she’s gonna send me back to magical kindergarten and revoke my library card and banish me to the moon and-”

“That was one time!” Celestia yelled.

Twilight hit the roof. “PRINCESS CELESTIA! How… uh… how are things?”

“Twilight Sparkle.”

“...yes?”

Celestia looked at her student for a moment, and sighed. “While I can appreciate your willingness to help ponies in need, and your dedication to doing so under your own power, I must admit I’m rather insulted that you thought you couldn’t trust me with something like this. Even taking into account your recent brushed with the Equestrian National Unicorn Society, I would have been more than happy to assist you. If you had just been honest with me from the start, Twilight, I could have given you a solution right away. Or, he could,” Celestia added, gesturing to Discord.

Twilight turned her head, noticing Discord for the first time. “Hello, uh Discord. What brings you here?”

To which Discord responded by turning into a mildly mad-looking brown and green unicorn. “Who is this Discord you refer to?! I am but Peyote the Mad!”

“YOU MOTHERFU-”

After we successfully got Twilight off of Discord, and calmed her down, discussion had turned toward the practical. By which I mean the boring. Being the only pony here who didn’t actually have a say in the magical proceedings, by virtue of both not being able to use magic and not caring how it gets done, I set to wandering around the room. The three mares and Discord were discussing the logistics of piecing the bracelet back together, activating the appropriate failsafe, and, of course, where the other me would be staying while his shoulder healed (moving someone with a physical injury through the portal had provided… undesirable results), as well as what to tell his family while he was here, really all boring professional things that didn’t require my input.

I, on the other hoof, had a moment to stop and thing after what was quite honestly a surprising and eventful day. On the one hoof, Twilight Sparkle owed me not one, but two personal favors. On the other hoof, I recently found out one of my best friends used to pose as a psychotic eugenicist for funsies. A fact that, while set very far into the past, was still fresh to me. Especially since he had used said past experience to prank me. Not only did he tried to prank me, he failed. Unforgivable.

Thus, it was my responsibility as a professional practical joker (and, less importantly, a decent person), to ensure that his punishment fit the crime. After all, this entire scenario was his fault. Twice. Thus, I headed off to my personal favorite shelf in the Restricted Section, and the only reason I had yet to do anything to endanger my privilege of unfettered access.

The Weird History section.

I returned some time later to a rather civilized conversation, carrying a couple books on my back. Twilight, Celestia, and Sunset had all taken a seat around a rather large table, while Discord, never one to miss a chance to one-up somepony, had become a seat. Which I then sat in, leaving the books off to the side. “Excellent, Schaden. Just in time,” Celestia said. “We were just finishing up.”

I took a quick glance around the table, and it appeared the Princess had taken at least some time to properly vent her disappointments at her protege and daughter. Discord, I wasn’t sure of, mainly because he was one of the few people that could take a proper dressing-down from Celestia and not care. Myself excluded, because man, she scary sometimes. “So what’s the verdict? I feel like this could have been done by now, honestly. Teleport to the castle, let Twiggly-Wiggly put the bracelet back together so Discord can flip some magical switch, send Sunset back to her room without dessert, and park other me in the Friendship Castle for a week or so. Bingo-bongo what took so long-o?”

The looks alone were worth how stupid I felt saying that last sentence. “Bingo bon- ok, no. Nevermind,” Twilight groaned. “Yes, it is mostly that cut and dry. That’s the easy part. We were mostly talking about what to do after we corrected Discord’s mistake,” Twilight said with no amount of shade cast in the draconequis’s direction. “Like what to do about the Penance Band, what to tell other you’s parents-”

“-parent,” Sunset corrected. “I don’t know what all is going on, but I know his mom’s not… in the picture.”

“...yes, well. What to tell his father, how to explain this mess to the ENUS should they come knocking-”

“Not to mention the absolute scolding Celestia just gave you both,” Discord chuckled.

Sunset glared at him. Me. She glared at my chair. “Mom yelled at you, too, you know!”

“Pfffft. Please. Celestia's yelled at me for hundreds of years. Why should now be any different?” Discord shrugged.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of that,” I added, pointedly staring at my hoof. “I have a few things I’d like to discuss before we go, as well.”

“Actually, Schaden, I’d prefer it if you stayed here,” Celestia said patiently. “I really would rather avoid having more than one of you in the room-” she stopped mid-sentence as I pulled a large book from off the floor and dropped it on the table.

“I thought you might say that,” I mused, smiling. The table at large flinched. Even Chair-cord moved a little.

“Oh god, I know that look,” Sunset groaned.

“How-oh… right. Well, good to see mini-me has learned that much, at least. Now,” I said, flipping open an unnecessarily large tome. “This is The Royal Favor,” I explained, to the confused looks of Twilight and Sunset.

Celestia looked slightly ill, then turned to Twilight. “Twilight, you didn’t… tell me you didn’t say ‘I owe you a favor’.”

“Twice,” I answered for her. “Now, according to this book, written by a one Princess Luna, certified and signed, the contents therein are legally binding guidelines for the process of exchanging, acknowledging, and performing favors owed by, and to, royalty. I’d like to turn your attention to a section called ‘Shared Debt’, describing the means by which a favor can be rendered either by the debtee, or their family, at the debtor’s discretion.”

Twilight groaned loudly. “No, no, no, no, no….”

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “So… what? You gonna call Shining Armor now?”

Again, I smiled. “Not quite. You see, this provision here, amended after the legalization of marriage between tribes, including alicorns, specifically states that the favor can be requested, within all legal means, from immediate family, extended family, or-”

“-or in-laws,” Celestia groaned. “By which you mean me, seeing as how Twilight’s brother married my niece.”

“Exactly. So, Princess Celestia, by the law of Royal Favor, I request that the first favor owed to me by the Royal Family be that I am allowed to travel to Ponyville and directly interact with my other-worldly duplicate.”

Everyone but me shuddered almost violently.

Discord recovered first, his curiosity getting the better of him. He reached a claw over my shoulder and pointed at the other tome. “So if the first book is about favors and stuff, where’s the second?”

“Draconiqui, Care and Discipline Of, by Fluttershy.”

Finally, we're done here.

I have to admit, whoever the hell I was expecting to come fix my current situation, it wasn’t whatever the fuck this guy was. I was being regaled, in every sense of the word, by Zecora’s tales of her homeland (and learning some absolutely SICK rhymes while she was at it), when in strutted this evolutionary etch-a-sketch of a dude. Seriously, whoever this guy was, he looked like you asked a 5-year old about his Carebear villain OC. Like someone took a screenshot of Toy Story 3’s furnace scene and put it through a Snapchat filter. “I mean it, dude,” I continued, as he stared at me with a very amused look, “I didn’t know dyslexia could metastasize yo your visual cortex. You look like somebody mugged a vat of primordial ooze for parts and sold it on eBay.”

The… guy turned around and said to somebody out in the hall, “Ok, now I one hundred percent believe he- sorry, she- is supposed to be you.”

Then, of course, something even weirder had to walk into the room. It was… me. Older me. I think. Sunset tried to explain age differentials across the portal, but I fell asleep in self-defense. “I told you so,” other Schaden said. “What was it I said to you five minutes after we met?”

“That if stained glass could walk and talk, and then suffer a stroke, it would look like me?”

Otherden (which is what I had chosen to call him, regardless of you got here ‘first’) smiled. “Precisely. And you remember how grumpy I get on bedrest. Now, you,” he said, pointing a hoof at me. “We have good news and bad news. The good news is that, after leaving Twilight Sparkle alone with the bracelet for an hour, and then giving it to Discord here-”

“Of bucking course that’s your name.”

“-we have successfully found a way to reverse your gender permanently. The bad news is that, given your current injuries, sending you home isn’t an option right away. Believe me when I say the experts at hoof -why are you flinching- have assured me that doing so would only exacerbate your injury, so you’re stuck here for a couple more days.”

I sighed, having expected that outcome already. Partly in relief, as I still had doubts when it came to magic, partly in frustration, as I hadn’t grown to like this world even a little. “Well, needs must. Did we ever figure out who did this to me?” I groaned, sitting a little farther up in bed. “Also, where the hell did Zecora go? She was just here.”

“Oh, the Zebra?” Discord said off-handedly. Hoffedly. Pawedly? I was gonna have a stroke. “She pointedly walks out of any room I’m in. She is… not a fan of mine.”

Otherden gave him a sideways glance. “Right. Also,” he said, pointing a hoof at Discord, “He did it.”

“Ek-scuse me?!”

“Not on purpose!” Discord groaned, staring at the ceiling in frustration. “At least, not to you on purpose. It was supposed to hit him,” he elaborated, pointing a claw at Otherden, “But this stupid magic portal thing between your worlds messed the whole thing up!”

“Which is now why he has a week of remedial classes with Twilight on Friendship,” other me said with a rather familiar grin. Huh, so that’s what it looks like from here.

“...wait. Hold up. Friendship classes? What, is there a school for that?” I asked.

“Did… did you miss the giant collegiate building attached to the Castle when you got here?” Discord replied, with a hint of mockery.

“Ok, first, I haven’t left the building since I got here. The portal is… upstairs? Down… stairs? Somewhere in the castle. Second, giant collegiate building?!” I barked, then winced as the effort put strain on my arm. “Third, and please tell me I’m wrong, is that an entire SCHOOL about Friendship?”

Other me shrugged. “Well, given that ‘Friendship’ in this context is a measurable, tangible branch of magic based on the synergy and relationships between people, and has, and I wish this were a joke, saved the world quite literally over a dozen times, yes, they made a school for it.”

I felt something in my brain snap. “Ok, nope. Done with magic. Done with horseworld-”

“-Ponyville,” Discord corrected.

“Equestria, actually,” Otherden amended.

“DONE. WITH. PASTEL QUADRUPED MAGIC LAND. Please, please just turn me back into a guy. I really don’t know how much more of this place I can stomach.”

I really did feel bad for him. Other, smaller me, I mean. Not a pleasant situation to be dragged into. No agency, in actual, physical pain, and missing a few notable appendages, in more ways than one, I could absolutely understand his frustration.

However.

There was work to do. Much of it had already been done. Discord’s week of classes with Twilight, which had been Celestia’s suggestion, taken from the pages of Fluttershy’s book, had been a compromise to actually telling Fluttershy. Seems the panicked state we’d found him in was him trying to figure out how to fix his mistake before news got back to her about it.

Twilight and Sunset, while having received a distinct talking-to from the Princess, had otherwise come out of things OK. Neither Celestia nor I (as their superior in the ENUS) saw fit to report the use of the Restricted Section, as really none of it was there fault anyway. As much as I love using bureaucracy for petty purposes, I try to reserve it for ponies, or creatures, who deserve it. Also, I got to be there for most of Celestia’s ‘Mom and teacher’ lectures, which was plenty satisfying in its own right.

Although I did have a few new measures added to the list:

167: Schadenfreude is not allowed to drift in the castle halls or any of its rooms.

168: Schadenfreude is not allowed to address Princess Celestia as ‘Momlestia’, ‘Miss Sunset Shimmer’s Mom’, or ‘Sunmommy’.

169: Schadenfreude is not allowed to tattle on members of the Royal family except in an emergency or event of national security.

170: Schadenfreude is not to be granted any further Royal Favors from any member of the Royal Family.

171: Schadenfreude is to be accompanied by a guard during Beak Week, if not already in the company of Prince Blueblood.

172: No provisions on this list apply to the second Schadenfreude.

That last one had a few inkblots around it, as the scribe had had a coronary hearing about the ‘second me’.

Zecora, I had been informed, had also been given some kind of accolades from the Equestrian National Unicorn Society for her efforts, although having never spoken to her, this was secondhoof information.

All of this I happily shared with a now-male, still bedridden Mini-Me, as I had been granted the opportunity to spend the day with him while he rested, with the understanding that, as terrifying as two of us in a room could be, Celestia wanted to minimize my interactions with the foreign delegates as much as possible.

“Ok, so this list,” Miniden asked (my own nickname for him after he called me Otherden out loud), “It’s got 172 rules on it?”

“I have a copy right here,” I informed him, handing it over. “Keep it, I have several. Also, they update automatically, although I don’t know if that’s true across dimensions.”

“Oh, so it’s not like Twilight and Sunset’s journal?”

My ears perked up at that. “Their what?”

Miniden smiled. Huh, so that’s what it looks like from here. “Yes, actually. It’s a handy little, and by little I mean there’s many, many volumes, because they don’t stop writing each other, book that lets them write notes to each other from across the portal. It even buzzes when the other holder has written in it. Although my favorite part is that Sunset has a giant rubber stamp she uses that just says TWILIGHT on it that she uses to interrupt Princess Twiggles when she gets to writing too fast.”

I felt a tear form in the corner of my eyes. “That is the most beautiful thing I’ve heard all day. Also, Twiggles?”

“Yeah, what do you call her?”

“Twiggly-Wiggly.”

Mini-me choked up a little. “That’s art. She must hate it so much.”

“Oh, she does. Also, if you’ll give me a moment, I have to go ask her for a favor. I’ll be right back,” I added, seeing his budding disappointment.

I stepped out into the hall, and followed the rather loud conversation Sunset and Twilight were having in the other room.

“-I’m just saying you could have told me!” Twilight whined. “I’m not expecting you to make it national news, but given my relationship with both of you-”

“-Your relationship with my mom is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you, Twilight!” Sunset groaned. “Do you have any idea how much I resented you?! When your mom tells you you’re gonna grow up to be a princess, and then gives it all to somepony you’ve never met? Even after we became friends I still hadn’t truly forgiven mom. It wasn’t until I saw her in person with the Memory Stone thing that we even started talking again!”

I coughed somewhat loudly. “Um, sorry to interrupt-”

“And I would have been more than happy to help! Also, it would have gone a long way to explain why you stole the crown from me when we first met!”

“Excuse me!”

“Even if we didn’t have that whole mess between us, I’m not exactly keen on anypony knowing she’s my mom in the first place! For buck’s sake, I didn’t even tell ponies before I ran away! Do you have any idea how hard it is to be taken seriously as a unicorn in academic circles when you’re Royal blood? Either they assume everything was just handed to you, or they go out of their way to make you fail in front of your family just to make themselves look better!”

“PARDONNEZ-MOI!” I barked.

“What?!” the two mares yelled back, turning to me.

“Not that I don’t understand the… import of this conversation, but Twilight, I have a Favor to ask you. Don’t worry-” I said, seeing her arming a complaint, “-I assure you it’s nothing illegal, immoral, embarrassing, or even inconvenient. Well, maybe a little inconvenient. I don’t pretend to know magic very well-”

“Yes you do!” they both yelled. Again.

“No, I never pretend. Also, I know magical lore, not actual magic. As in, I have no idea how difficult it would be to-”

“To what?” said Twilight, in a much quieter, but still exasperated, voice.

“I wanted to ask you to create a pair of journals for me and mini-me, like the ones you two have,” I explained.

Twilight paled a little. “How, uh… how do you know about those?”

I stared at Sunset, who had a sheepish grin and was looking anywhere but at Twilight. “Oh, I know a guy who knows a girl.”

Twilight gave off some serious side-eye at Shimmer. “Sunseeet….”

“OhwouldyoulookatthetimeIreallyshouldgosayhitomomagainbeforeIleaveEquestriaforeverbyyyyyeeeeeeeee!” Sunset rattled off in a high-pitch voice, then bolted out of the room.

Twilight watched her go with a sour expression, then turned to me. “Fine, Schaden, I’ll see what I can do. Although there will probably have to be some… provisions about its use-”

“-Eeeehhhh, we’ll write that list when we get to it,” I interjected.

“-but it shouldn’t be a problem, given how much experience I have making them now. It’s going to take a while, but it should be ready before he heals up,” she explained.

I smiled and nodded. “Thanks, Princess Twiggles.”

Her whole body twitched slightly. “I’m sorry, what?!”

[SEVERAL DAYS LATER]

I had just gotten home from my first day back at school, and gotten up to my room after a thorough inspection from my father that I hadn’t brought anything else magical home. Convincing him to let me keep the journal was a long, drawn out conversation, but he conceded, mostly out of what I think was guilt for how he’d handled the situation, and then worry for me being gone so long, even with assurances from both my classmates and our Principal that I was in good care and would be home soon.

Dizzy would be coming over soon, so I didn’t have a whole lot of time, but I wanted to get a few words in. So I opened the journal Other Me had given me as a parting gift, with a rather pained smile from Twilight and Sunset, and wrote:

Me: So I did a little digging, and yes, it seems like the Discord from my school is your Discord’s counterpart. Really, that suit should have tipped me off.

Other Me: I can only imagine. Are you also friends with him?

M: Kind of? He’s our school’s career counselor, although I’m pretty sure he’s on something.

OM: ‘On something’?

M: Sorry. It means I believe he’s partaking in recreational drugs.

OM: That, I don’t doubt. I’m pretty sure our Discord would be to if he could find one that actually works.

M: Also, I have to ask, I saw the list got updated again. What’s this about you not being allowed to use me as a threat?

OM: Oh, some guard got huffy when I was being candid with Princess Celestia about something, and I told him to ‘Mind his manners or I’d go get the OTHER me’. He laughed, until he saw the look on Celestia’s face, then ran into a broom closet and didn’t come out till dawn.

M: Wow. I think if I told people over here there was a second me they’d just come to school the next day with earplugs and welding goggles on. I should test this theory.

OM: You should.

M: Oh, Dizzy’s here! Sorry, I need to leave.

OM: I still find it amusing we’re dating the same… person in both dimensions.

M: Agreed. Although I think if you put them in the same room they’d just end up staring at each other for an hour then leave to bake something.

OM: I… can’t argue that. Farewell, Mini-Me!

M: Later, Oldenfreude!

OM: Kid shut the fuck up.

Author's Note

To Be Continued!

I will admit this wasn't my strongest Schadenfreude. I started this story wanting to do something more serious, then trying to lighten it up because people weren't digging the vibe. The two year gap between chapters didn't help, either. I doo feel like I'm getting back into the swing of things with Schaden again, and I'm excited about the next venture, whenever that happens.

Just brilliant, let's get him involved, shall we?

What had started as a jaunty walk at turned into an all-out sprint as I tore through the castle’s halls with Sunset hot on my heels. So hot, in fact, that most guards I passed didn’t bother chastising me for running in the halls, as they saw who I was running from before the sentence had formed in their heads. Thank the stars there was precedent for this, as I soon had a clear shot to the throne room.

Which only made Sunset run faster. I took a quick glance behind me, and saw that her hooves were glowing. She was obviously using some kind of speed spell. “Unicorn, Schaden!” she yelled triumphantly.

“Earth Pony, Sunset!” I yelled back, and took off.

Now, here’s the thing. Most, if not all, Earth Ponies have some kind of magical attachment to the, well, Earth. Some borrow the mountain’s strength, some attune themselves to the needs and wants of plants and wildlife, and some of us, namely, moi, can run almost as fast as pegasi fly.

Of course, it did help that I had a lifetime’s experience of ponies chasing me away from things at high velocities to back me up. I might be a skinny bitch, but I can muh-wooooove.

I burst through the front doors of the Royal Hall to a stream of rather indignant swears behind me, and came to a sliding stop just in front of the Princesses, who seemed to be in a rather important meeting. Oh, right, Beak Week.

Celestia gave me a look of both exhausted resignation and curious deja vu, as if we’d been to this place before. Luna, in contrast, bore an expression of morbid curiosity and slight relief. She was never one for diplomatic meetings. The surrounding hippogriffs, on the other hand, looked both alarmed and horribly confused.

“Who, pray tell, is chasing you this time, Schaden?” Celestia asked.

“Your daughter,” I said simply, pointing at the now wide-open double doors and a bright orange unicorn panting with rage.

Of course, I had seen Celestia confused before. Befuddled. Outright bewildered. But her current expression was one of such absolute incomprehension as to necessitate the use of one of my favorite words: flabbergasted. A shiny new level of absolute bafflement. I doubt I could ever, ever get her to make that face on purpose. Eyes wide, slackjawed to an almost medically impossible extreme, she looked back and forth between Sunset and I so quickly her jaw actually took a second to catch up.

I have also never, ever held in a laugh as hard as I was in that moment.

“What the fuck did you do?!” the Princess yelled at me.

I smiled radiantly. “It’s not my fault this time!” I said, with almost manic glee.

To which she immediately sighed. “Unfortunately, I believe you. You’re FAR too happy about that sentence for it to be a lie,” she elaborated, then turned her attention to the hippogriff delegation. “My esteemed guests, it seems I must table this discussion for later. A very rare and urgent family emergency has arisen, and I’m afraid, given who it involves,” she said with no amount of side-eye at me, “That ignoring it could be quite disastrous. Luna, if you would kindly show them to the hostelry, I believe some refreshment is in order while they wait.”

Luna smiled a big dopey smile and happily corralled the hippogriffs through the double doors. “This way, lords and ladies!”

“What’s a hostelry?” one of the delegates asked.

“It means BAR!” Luna shouted, followed by a mass of cheers from an eagerly retreating delegation.

Celestia sighed wearily again, and waved a now significantly calmer, although still distress, Sunset Shimmer into the room. “Alright,” she said “One at a time, and take it from the top- Schaden if you do a four count I will imprison you on PRINCIPLE.”

About an hour later, we had caught the Princess of the Sun up to speed. Which I was sure she absolutely regretted. “So let me get this straight. You brought the other Schadenfreude to Equestria-”

Sunset muttered a small “Uh-huh.”

“-who is a minor whom you ELECTROCUTED-”

“On accident!”

“-fine. Accidentally electrocuted. Then, of course, you and Twilight Sparkle who I will be having many many words with, proceeded to -rather smartly, I will admit- enlist the help of a Zebra who managed to remove a cursed artifact from, and I can not believe how much psychic damage I’m taking just saying this, the other fucking Schadenfreude, DISLOCATING HIS SHOULDER in the process and putting him in a DAY. LONG. COMA.”

“...that is correct, Princess-”

“-don’t you start with me young lady I’m not even CLOSE to done,” Celestia said firmly, in what was somehow her Royal Canterlot Voice AND her Mom Voice simultaneously. “Then, having discovered they were trapped as a girl, and bedridden, left them under the care of said zebra, and, having considered all your options, decided to involve THIS Schadenfreude, just so you could gain access to the restricted section of the library, without telling ME, LUNA, or even informing the…” she stopped to shudder slightly “Original Schaden that the minor you were trying to help was his counterpart?!”

“...yes, mom.”

The Princess pinched her nose slightly. Then a bit more so. “Hey Sunbutt, you might wanna stop,” I pointed out. “Last time you drew blood.”

She gave me a sideways glare, took her hoof off her nose (don’t ask me how you pinch your nose with your hoof I couldn’t explain it if I tried), and shook her head to regain some composure. “Thank you, Schaden. Alright, first things first. Yes, I know the gender change spell you’re talking about, Schaden. And no, we won’t be using that. There’s a far simpler method available.”

Sunset looked at her mom like she was, well, her mom. “What?! Why haven’t we been able to find it?!” She was immediately cowed by her mom giving her a disapproving glare.

“Because, Sunset,” Celestia said calmly. “If you had come to me earlier, I would have been able to tell you that Peyote the Mad was a pseudonym. The original sorcerer who created that awful artifact is, in fact, still around. And will most likely be extremely distressed to discover one of his old ‘toys’ survived this long, let alone made it to the human world. That is, if he wasn’t the one who activated the thing in the first place.”

I felt a familiar itch in the back of my head. “Who, uh, who is it a pseudonym for, exactly?” I asked cautiously.

The Princess answered by heaving a mighty sigh and rolling her eyes. “Discord.”

I’d like to say I was surprised by this turn of events, bu honestly, since making friends with the God of Chaos, my subconscious has developed a self-defense mechanism, in that any time his name pops up I just go “Of bucking course” and march on. That wasn’t to say I wasn’t significantly disappointed in him at the moment, but somehow it sounded like something he would have done. The old him, of course. It goes without saying that I’ve never actually met the old version of Discord. I doubt we’d be friends now, even given his earnest rehabilitation. Both of them. I’ve only ever known him as the still-chaotic but well-meaning natural disaster he’d become.

We found him, somewhat confusingly, in the small part of the castle cordoned off for when he stays in Canterlot for any length of time. I’d say ‘designated’, but he has an even longer list of rules than I do, and his are much more serious. Not that many of them are necessary anymore, but still. He likes the air of mystery and danger it affords him. And the privacy. Although he didn’t seem particularly concerned with either, upon seeing him. He was more focused on a large stack of what I would only hesitantly call books. Some of them were just stacks of paper, some barked, some… you get the idea. It’s Discord. His notes probably take him. Where, I wouldn’t ask.

He hadn’t even noticed the three of us entering his ‘study’ (we’d left Twilight in the restricted section, opting to keep Discord’s involvement a secret until necessary, as they still had… interpersonal issues) until Celestia coughed into her hoof. Discord looked up in a slight panic as Celestia said, “Discord. I believe we need to talk.”

“Not now, Princess, I’m very busy trying to find-”

“-your Penance Band?” Celestia asked seriously.

Discord looked at her with refreshed panic, until he noticed me. “Schaden! Oh thank heavens, there you are!”

Now it was my turn to look confused. “Um… hi? Good to see- ok what the hell did you do?”

He glanced nervously back and forth between Celestia and I, not even noticing Sunset Shimmer. Who, to be fair, seemed to be developing quite the headache just from being in the room. I was sure she’d never had to deal with Discord in person before. “Well, buddy, pal, I uh… may have… activated the band… as a prank? It was just supposed to show up and mess with you for a little while! I figured you’d either go to the Princesses, who would know immediately what it was, or would come find me your friend, and the resident master of chaos magic to help! At which point I would laugh and we would move on!”

I mulled the idea over. Honestly, it made sense. Discord, as misguided as he was, would absolutely see a Penance Band as a prank, especially if I could just walk up to Celestia, Luna, or him, and just get it removed if it became too inconvenient, or dangerous. “There’s a problem with that, though,” I said finally. “It went to the wrong Schadenfreude.”

He nodded vigorously. “Yes, I know! I’m sorry! When I created the bands thousands of years ago -yes, plural, yes, I destroyed all but one of them-, there wasn’t two constantly linked dimensions for them to choose from! And they were never meant to be attached to humans! I didn’t even know humans existed back then! I didn’t even realize I’d missed until two days had gone by and I hadn’t heard hide nor hair from you-” he said, pointing a claw at me, ‘-or you-” he added, gesturing to Celestia. “That’s when I figured something must have gone wrong, and I’ve been trying to track the little devil since! I had a bead on it for a few hours, and had narrowed it down to Ponyville, but I lost it again! And I didn’t want to just traipse into town and say ‘Hey, did anyone see this magical medieval torture device attached to an alternate universe clone of a really annoying butler’?”

He spoke very quickly and with a hint of panic. Which, I think, is what softened Celestia’s demeanor. I certainly believed he was sorry. “Discord, it’s fine,” she said soothingly. “The band has been removed. You lost the signal because it was destroyed. Unfortunately,” she added, with a glance at Sunset, “The… other… Schaden was still female when it was removed. We just need to to reverse the gender curse.”

“It still physically hurts to say ‘other Schaden’, doesn’t it?” I asked.

Sunbutt glanced over her shoulder at me. “Not that I have anything against your continued presence, but the immediate image of the sheer amount of paperwork two of you could generate in a DAY is almost nightmarish.”

Discord breathed a sigh of relief. “Is that all? Please, that’s very easy. Although I do have to ask, how’d you get the bracelet off, anyway?”

Sunset spoke up for the first time, and I was surprised to hear her voice come from the ceiling. I shouldn’t have been, but there you go. “A zebra friend of ours brewed an anti-magic potion for him to bathe in.”

Discord sucked in a hiss of air. “Ooh… bathe? How, uh… how’s his shoulder?”

Author's Note

Almost done here! But don't worry, I already have an idea for the next one!