Hearts and Hooves Day for the Ponyville Blackmsith

Chapters

Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

Prologue

*Schluuurp*

The sun shone down from the sparsely cloudy sky, lighting up the street as brightly colored ponies set about their business in pairs, talking, laughing, and generally having a good time.

*Schluuuuuurp*

A small café on the corner of the street bustled with noise as couples came and went, eating food, and enjoying lovey-dovey couples-only specials.

*Schluuuuuuuuuuuurp*

Amidst the sea of pastel ponies, a lone human sat at a terrace table, attempting to drink out of both straws of a couple’s drink to little success, the forcibly bent straws pulling at the edges of his lips with surprising force, thus decreasing the amount of suction force his mouth could produce.

*Schluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp*

Parody sat, one leg across the other, arm over the back of his chair as he gazed out at the crowd, watching overly affectionate couples mill about as he tried desperately to get his drink from out of the cup and into his mouth.

*Schluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp*

“… If yer havin’ that much trouble with that, why don’t ya jus’ drink from one straw?”

Parody glanced over at Apple Bloom, “At this point, it’s a matter of pride.” Though he tried to speak out of the corner of his mouth, it was still enough to free one of the straws. It whipped free from his jaws with enough force to fling dribbles of fizzy drink all over the table. “Aw, darnit.” He reached over and forced the straw back into his mouth.

*Schluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp*

Apple Bloom shook her head, “Anyway, that’s why I can’t hang out with ya today.”

Parody shot Apple Bloom a confused look as he pulled the drink away, the entwined straws clattering around as they were suddenly released from his maw. “What do you mean ‘that’s why you can’t hang out with me?’ You didn’t explain anything. All you said was that you already have plans today. That’s it.”

Apple Bloom gave him an unamused look, “And that’s all yer gonna get. I ain’t gonna tell you my Heart an’ Hooves Day plans when yer jus’ gonna make fun of me for ‘em.”

Parody set the drink down on the table and leaned back in his chair, hand press against his chest over the silly cartoon face printed on his shirt. “You wound me. Do you really think so little of me that I’d make fun of an honest girl being true to her feelings?”

“Yes. I’ve known ya long enough to know that’s exactly what ya’d do.”

“Well, you got me there,” Parody shrugged and attempted to take another sip of his drink, to no success. “Well, there go my plans for the day. What should I do now?”

Apple Bloom shrugged, “Why not go on a date with somepony? It’s Hearts an’ Hooves Day after all.”

Parody quirked his brow and tilted his head with an exaggerated smirk, “Me? Go on a date with someone?”

“Ah figure if ya get yerself a special somepony they’ll fix that crooked personality of yers.”

Parody threw his head back and laughed. “Fair enough. Well, since Fluora isn’t here for me to drag around, who should I go out with?”

“I dunno,” Apple Bloom shrugged, “Who do ya like?”

Parody gave her a blank stare.

“Right, stupid question.”

Leaning back in his chair, Parody flicked the straws around as an idle expression crossed his face, “Well, if I’m gonna be in the market for a significant other, what should I be on the lookout for?”

Apple Bloom rubbed her head awkwardly, “Well, uh, I dunno. Somepony ya just… click with?”

Parody smirked, “Someone I click with?”

“They’ve gotta be somepony ya don’ mid hangin’ out with.”

“Obviously. It’d suck to date someone you hated.”

Struggling to find words, Apple Bloom continued. “And, uh… I guess it should be somepony around yer age?”

Parody raised his brow, “‘Close to my age,’ huh? Well, that narrows my options considerably.”

“Alright, look,” Apple Bloom glared at Parody, “there ain’t exactly a guidebook fer this-”

“Actually, I think I saw one in the library.”

Apple Bloom slumped in her seat, exasperated, “Then why are ya asking me?”

Parody smirked and leaned forward, “I think you know why.” At Apple Bloom’s frown, he laughed, “Aw, don’t be like that, you’ve given me plenty to go off of anyway. Besides, that book’s probably been checked out anyways.” He leaned back in his chair, “Still… ‘someone I click with, that I don’t mind hanging out with, and is close to my age.’ Reviewing the data, I can only come to a single conclusion.”

Slamming his hands on the table, Parody stood up and declared, “I’m going to Canterlot to date Celestia!” With that, he took off down the street, leaving behind the fancy couple’s drink that was as full as when he first got it.

Apple Bloom was left flabbergasted. “… What?! Where’d ya get that from?!”

Author's Note

(edit) I totally forgot about this silly little omake:

A couple minutes after Parody leaves, Apple Bloom's date shows up.
"Oh, you already got us a drink? Cool." *Schluuuurp*
Apple Bloom: "No! Wait!"

Chapter 1

Sunlight streamed in through large stained-glass windows, creating beams of colored light that recombined into a gentle ambiance that filled the courtroom. Princess Celestia sat upon her throne, looking out over the line of ponies that had come to court, most (if not all) were nobles. The room was silent save for the noble standing at the dais petitioning. On the surface, he was lobbying for some cause or project that needed funding, but in reality, he, and all the other nobles, were after a different objective.

Her.

Today was Hearts and Hooves Day, and it had become something of a tradition to try and woo Celestia on this day. In the past it was merely asking for her hoof for a day, and should she have no problem with the pony in question, she may have spent the day with them and that would’ve been it. A nice, calm day spent with another pony, and no responsibilities until morn.

But the game had grown more complex since then.

Dating the Princess brought a certain amount of prestige, so naturally nobles clambered over each other to be the chosen one for the year. It was problematic, but Celestia had been able to deal with it. But the game evolved even further than that. Every noble here had one objective:

To get Princess Celestia to be the one to ask them on a date.

If getting to date the princess had been worth some prestige, then being asked out by her was worth leagues more.

Once upon a time, Celestia’s Hearts and Hooves Days had been little breaks she could spend with her little ponies, but for the last many years, they had been filled with sitting on her throne for hours on end listening to blatant bootlicking and sycophantism, all in an attempt to draw her interest.

Her Hearts and Hooves Days were very dull now.

It’s not that she minded going on one-off dates with them, even if it did stoke their egos… a lot, but she knew that it would only cause headaches if she were to be the one to ask, regardless of who she asked. So, all she could do was sit in silence as the pony in front of her fervently attempted to curry favor with her, hoping that something would happen to make today interesting.

Suddenly, shouting could be heard from the other side of the courtroom door. As it grew louder and louder, it drew more attention from the nobles in line, until even the petitioning pony stopped talking to turn and glare at the door in annoyance. Eventually it grew silent. However, as the noble turned back to start talking again…

*BAM!*

The doors were flung open wide, revealing a tall figure. Parody strode forward, one of the door guards wrapped around his waist in an attempt to stop him, the other merely facehoofing. After clearing most of the courtroom, Parody stopped and struck a pose, pointing forward.

“Celetsia! Go on a date with me!”

… Eh, it’s better than nothing.

The noble at the dais scowled, “How dare you address the princess in such an informal manner.” He scoffed, “Besides, the princess would hardly deign fit to date beast such as yours-”

“Sure, why not?” Giving a slight shrug, Celestia rose from her throne.

“WHAT?!” Came the cry of most of the line.

“Well, he’s the first person to ask me on a date today, and I’m not opposed to it.” Celestia gave the line of nobles a slight stare, “Surely I’m allowed to take part in todays festivities if I should so please?”

That got them. They couldn’t say ‘no,’ since that was the whole reason they were here.

The noble at the dais scowled for a moment, before turning back to her with the most charming grin he could muster. It was incredibly forced. “Then surely I would be better than the likes of that.” He lifted out his hoof in an invitation. “Princess, would you go on a date with me?” He must have been trying to salvage the situation, thinking that if he couldn’t get Princess Celestia as ask him out, he could at least pull her away from Parody.

But Celestia wasn’t going to let that slide.

She frowned slightly, an expression that sent chills down the spines of the whole line. “That hurts. Do you really think I’m so loose a mare that I’d cast aside my date for another stallion after I’ve already agreed to go out with them?”

That sent him scrambling. He bowed low and attempted to run damage control. “N-no, of course not, I’m sorry for even insinuating such a thing. But, do you really intend to go out with this monke-” He turned to point at Parody, only to realize that the human in question was standing right next to him, crouched low to make eye contact. “Gah?!”

“Monkey, huh?” Parody pulled a banana out from under his cape. Moving slow, he peeled the banana and began eating it, gradually returning to his full height while doing so, never breaking eye contact.

After Parody was halfway through the banana, Celestia spoke up. “Parody, what are you doing?”

“Asserting dominance.”

After finishing the banana, Parody held the peel out to the noble. “Hey, throw this away for me.”

The noble scowled, “And what authority do you have to order me around?”

Parody flashed a grin while making a sideways ‘V’ next to his eye, “My authority as Celestia’s date for the day.”

The noble’s face scrunched up, cheeks puffed out, holding back tears of frustration like a child on the verge of a tantrum. After quivering in place for a moment, the noble snatched the banana peel away and stormed out of the room.

Parody shot Celestia a grin. “Ha! This is fun.”

She shook her head, “Parody, play nice.”

“Make me.”

Celestia quirked her brow.

Parody backed off immediately, “Point taken. Consider me made.”

Celestia stepped down form the dais as the rest of the line began to grumble and disperse. “So, I take it that since you came all this way to Canterlot to invite me on a date, you have some kind of plan?” They began to walk out of the courtroom.

“Not at all!” Parody declared loudly. “Kinda decided this on a whim.”

Celestia giggled, “You invited one of the diarchs of Equestia on a date, on a whim?”

He shrugged in response, “Yeah, why not?”

“Why not indeed,” Celestia smiled gently, “Were it not for the endless stream of headaches it would cause, I’d wish more ponies would act on whims as you do. Day to day life would certainly be more interesting.”

“Hold on. You think I’m a headache?”

“Aren’t you? Twilight certainly thinks so.”

“What? Princess Twilight thinks I’m a headache?” Parody looked appalled, but the mirth in his eyes let her know he was just playing around. “No way. Why would she think that?”

“Why do you call her Princess Twilight?”

“’Cause it annoys her”

“Why do you call me Celestia?”

“’Cause it annoys everyone else.”

“And you wonder why you’re a headache.”

Parody smirked as he gave an exaggerated shrug, “I just don’t get it.”

Smiling, Celestia turned to walk out the castle’s doors.

“Oh, before we go, think you could do something ‘bout this guy?” Parody patted the hooves of the door guard still wrapped around his waist. “Kinda making it hard to breathe.”

Celestia turned to look at Parody and sure enough, one of her guard ponies still had his hooves wrapped around Parody to slow him down. “… At ease, Corporal. Return to your post.”

“Yes, Princess.” Letting go of Parody, the guard gave her a crisp salute before turning around and walking down the hall as if nothing happened.

Parody shot a glance over his shoulder before following Celestia outside into the light of day. “Hmph. Real loyal.”

“Of course. They’re my royal guard, they have to be.”

The two of them strolled through the streets on Canterlot in companiable silence for a few minutes.

Glancing around the city, Celestia let out a soft sigh. “You may not know this, but it’s been many years since the last time anyone has asked me out for a Hearts and Hooves Day date.”

“Oh yeah? How’d that last one go?”

“It was a little colt, years ago.”

Parody’s mouth curved into a wicked smirk, “Wow, I-”

Celestia’s horn lit up, using magic to clamp Parody’s mouth shut so as to cut off any crass remarks. “He was sad that he couldn’t play with his friend because she was sick, so he gave me some flowers and asked me to play in the park with him.” The light around her horn faded as she released Parody.

Parody held up his hands in mock surrender, “Alright, alright. That’s pretty cute. So, how’s he doing now?”

“Happily married, last I checked.”

“To the friend?”

Celestia nodded, before smiling mischievously, “You should have seen the look on her face when I not only attended their wedding, but introduced myself as his ex.”

Parody sputtered a moment before throwing his head back with a wild cackle. “Oh man! I’d’ve loved to see that!”

Celestia laughed alongside him. “It was pretty funny. They took it in stride once I told them what actually happened, but I suppose it makes for quite the story to tell friends and family. Not many ponies can claim that a princess is their ex.”

“Aw, you told them? That ruins the joke.”

Celestia gave him a look. “But if I hadn’t, it could have ruined their relationship.

Parody nodded his head from side to side in thought. “… I guess.”

Celestia paused. “You would ruin someone’s relationship for a joke?”

“I’d die for a joke if I thought it was funny enough.”

Celestia blinked. His response was immediate, his tone flat, and his expression serious. The man in front of her truly would die for a joke, even if he could only laugh from beyond the grave. She shook her head lightly, “I know there are those who would make great sacrifices for their passions, but I’m unsure if I should applaud or scorn that level of commitment.”

Parody shrugged, “I get that a lot.”

Celestia couldn’t help but wonder what exactly a joke worth dying for would be like, not that she could come up with an answer. She just couldn’t think of any way to make dying funny. She supposed Parody couldn’t either, or else he wouldn’t be walking next to her having this conversation.

Shaking her head, Celestia decided to stop thinking about it and changed the topic, “Either way, I told them the truth, and those two are happily married. I even get to attend their family reunions.”

“Oh, that’s nice.”

“It is, they’re a rather warm family.” Celestia smiled wistfully, “I wonder if I’ll ever get that someday.”

Parody held up his hands, “Sorry, but I’m not looking to make any commitments.”

Celestia shrugged, “That’s fine. You’re not really my type anyway.”

“Really?”

“I prefer someone who’s easier to tease.”

“Easier?” Parody looked almost offended, “That implies that you can tease me at all.”

Celestia could feel her mouth pull up into a slight smirk, “Can’t I?”

Parody was silent for a minute, before shrugging.

Celestia turned her gaze back to Parody, “So, what now? You mentioned you don’t have any plans, but surely you have some ideas.”

“Eh, not really. Figured we’d just wing it. Take it as it comes.”

“So, we’re just going to walk around in silence until something catches our eye?” Celestia gave small shrug, “Well, I suppose I have been on worse dates.”

Parody rolled his eyes, “Alright, fine. We’ll try going traditional. Let’s start with lunch. Know any good places?”

Celestia gave him a knowing smile, “What, you’re not going to bring me to a restaurant on your own?”

“Yeah right. I don’t know this place. I was only in Canterlot for a week, and I spent half that tied up in your closet.”

“Yes, but that was your own fault. Do you have any idea how worried Twilight was when she couldn’t find you for three days?”

Parody laughed, “Worried enough to make me move to Ponyville. Where I immediately got lost for five.”

Celestia wore an amused grin. “Yes, she told me she found you dangling upside down from the ceiling of a part of her basement that she was unaware existed.”

Parody gave and exaggerated shrug, “What can I say? I’m nosy. Pinkie was happy at least. She got to throw me three parties: the first ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ surprise party; the ‘Oh No, Where’d Parody Go?’ search party; and the second ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ surprise party two weeks after all that. I’m honestly surprised she had the patience to wait until I’d forgotten about everything.”

“So surprised you punched her in the face?”

“Oh, don’t you start too.”

“… Speaking of nosy, you never did tell me what it was you were doing that resulted in you being tied and gagged in a pile of my old dresses.”

Parody smirked, “And I still won’t. So, about that recommendation…”

Author's Note

I originally wanted to write this as one large chapter, but I quickly realized that I wasn't going to finish in time, so I've broken it into several smaller chapters. I'm gonna try to at least get chapter 2 done before Valentine's Day is over.

Chapter 2

“Damn, this place is fancy.”

Parody’s words were not wrong.

As befitting of the most expensive restaurant in the city of Canterlot, the decorations were grandiose, ostentatious, and made of enough glittering gold to blind Parody should he look at them at the wrong angle. Magnificent carved pillars held up the ceiling from which solid gold chandeliers hung. Imposing statues watched over the room, guarding the masterpiece artworks adorning the walls. A delightful aroma of subtle seasonings filled the air, whetting one’s appetite.

As the snazzy waiter guided them to the best seats in the house, Celestia turned to Parody, “Yes, I have hosted many a dinner party with foreign dignitaries here.”

“I can tell, this place is super fancy. Thankfully, I’ve dressed for the occasion.” He reached up and flaunted the clip-on bowtie attached to his shirt.

Celestia let out a giggle, “I see you’ve pulled out all the stops.”

After reaching their table, Parody immediately plopped down and stared slouching in his chair.

Celestia glanced at her chair, “Not feeling very chivalrous, are we?”

“Hmm?” Parody blinked. “Oh, right, your chair.” Rather than stand up, Parody decided to lean back in his seat and nudge the opposite chair out with his foot.

With a soft laugh, Celestia sat down. Parody attempted to pull her chair in by hooking his foot around the leg of her chair, but as he didn’t have the leverage, he quickly gave up with a dismissive, “Ah, you’ve got telekinesis, you’re fine.”

As Celestia scooted herself in, the waiter returned with water and menus. “Here are your waters. I will return shortly to take your order.”

The waiter walked away, and Celestia turned to Parody, “So, what are you going-?”

He held up a hand to silence her, staring at the menu with intense concentration. Figuring that he was busy deciphering the menu, Celestia shrugged and looked over her own.

After a couple minutes, the waiter returned. To Celestia’s surprise, Parody ordered with an unexpected level of confidence. He spoke clearly, and didn’t ask any questions. ‘Perhaps he has more experience with high society than I thought.’ Celestia mused, before placing her own order.

After the waiter left, she glanced at Parody, “So, what made you choo-?”

Parody turned and cut her off, “So, what the heck did I just order?”

“…What?” Celestia blinked, caught off guard. “Wait, you don’t know what you ordered?”

“Celestia, you’re lucky I can read and speak basic Equestrian. I don’t know any of the other fake languages on this planet. There’s no way I could have read that menu. Plus, to make things worse, the blasted thing was written in pony cursive. Pony Cursive!” Parody threw his hands in the air in exasperation, “And here I thought cursive couldn’t get any worse!”

That brief image of a confident Parody started to crumble in Celestia’s mind. “If you couldn’t read the menu, then how did you order so confidently?”

He shrugged, “Dude, I just picked a couple things at random and spent the entire time trying to piece together how the individual words were pronounced. I can say the words; no idea what they mean, though.”

Illusion shattered, Celestia began to laugh. He was back to being the same old silly, nonsensical human. She felt silly for thinking otherwise. “If you couldn’t read the menu, why didn’t you ask me for help?”

Another shrug. “Guy’s gotta look cool.”

Peals of laughter echoed throughout the restaurant.

Parody smiled and pointed, “That. That is why I didn’t ask for help.”

Trying to stifle her giggles, Celestia glanced at him, “Well, I appreciate the laugh, but now you’re stuck eating whatever you just ordered.”

“Geh,” he froze, “You’re right.” He was silent for a moment. “… So, are you going to tell me what I ordered?”

Celestia shook her head, “No, I don’t think I will. After all, why ruin the surprise?”

With a sigh, Parody slumped in his chair, “Well, I hope it’s something I can eat.”

“This… is not something I can eat.”

Laid out before Parody was what appeared to be a fancy noodle dish with braids of hay and dandelions, garnished with colorful flowers and drizzled in vinaigrette.

Celestia laughed from over her grand garden salad. “Not to your taste?”

Parody picked up a braid and nibbled on the end of it. “Begh,” his face scrunched up, “Oh yeah, that’s a very… earthy taste.” He glanced up, “Can’t say I’m a fan.”

“Well, you’ll have to tough it out,” Celestia spoke between bites of salad. “It would be very rude to not eat anything after ordering so confidently.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Gimme a sec.” Parody glanced off to the side. Celestia turned to look, but there wasn’t anything there. After a couple seconds, Parody returned to his plate and began eating, this time with no reaction.

Figuring that he was just toughing it out, Celestia shrugged to herself before resuming eating.

After finishing most of his braids, Parody took a swig of his tea, a blend Celestia recognized as one of the sweetest teas out there, mixed with cream and sugar. While not one of her favorites, Celestia herself was rather fond of the brew, though she knew there were ponies who found it almost repugnantly sweet.

“How’s the tea?”

Parody raised his brow and shrugged, “Bitter, I guess. It’s tea.”

As something of a tea aficionado, Celestia took a little offense to that. “‘It’s bitter because it’s tea?’ Those are the words of someone who doesn’t understand the many fragrances and subtle flavors that can be provided when properly brewed.”

Parody held up his hands in surrender, “Alright, look, I’m not a big tea guy, okay? I’m a soda man, but there’s not really any fountain machines here. Besides, I didn’t really order this intentionally.”

“Hmph.” Celestia turned her nose in the air and playfully snubbed him before returning to her salad. Still…

Bitter?

That was one of the sweetest teas available. Unless his tastebuds weren’t working, it shouldn’t have been bitter at all. If anything, his mouth should have puckered up at the sheer sugar content. Perhaps forcing himself to eat the braids messed up his sense of taste.

Celestia glanced up at Parody.

Either that or he was just trying to get a rise out of her.

Noticing her stare, Parody smirked.

Definitely just messing with her.

“Well, anyway, I’m just glad it wasn’t wine or anything. Not a big alcohol guy, either.”

“Really?” Celestia was surprised. “I’d have figured you for a guy who likes to cut loose.”

His face became a little serious, “Yeah, well, contrary to what most people think of me, I’m not too big on ‘losing control’ of myself, so to speak.” He smirked, “Besides, can you imagine me being drunk?”

“Oof,” Celestia winced playfully, “I just did. You know, we both actually orderd some dessert wine, but I think I’ll just help myself to yours.”

“Please do.”

With nothing else to say, the rest of the meal passed in silence. As Celestia finished off her dessert, a nice slice of rich, chocolate cake, the waiter returned. “Ah,” she spoke up, “here to settle the bill?”

“In a way,” The waiter bowed, “The owner would like to make your meals on the house as a Hearts and Hooves Day gift.”

Celestia raised a hoof, “Oh, that won’t be necessary.” She gestured at Parody, “This gentleman invited me on a date, so he will be paying.”

Parody choked on his tea. “Hmm?” After a moment, he looked up, smile frozen on his face. “I’m paying?”

“Of course.” Celestia smiled brightly, “You weren’t trying to mooch a free meal off the princess, were you?”

His smile stiffened, “… Of course not. That would be ridiculous.”

“You do have money, right?”

“…Yeah, I have… money.”

Celestia shook her head, “You’re too easy to read, Parody.”

He scoffed and looked away. “… That’s just ‘cause I’m letting you read me.” He perked up suddenly. “Now if you don’t mind, I have to go to the bathroom.” He got up and walked away, before coming back sheepishly. He turned to the waiter, “Hey, uh, where’s the bathroom?”

“Allow me to show you.” The waiter guided Parody away.

Celestia sighed, grin on her face, “Too obvious, Parody.”

After a couple minutes, the waiter returned, not with Parody, but with the owner.

“Was there a problem with my offer?”

Celestia shook her head, “Oh, no. I was just teasing my companion. I’ll gratefully accept your offer, but are you sure?”

The owner smiled, “Princess, you’ve hosted many dinner parties here, and that alone has given us quite the reputation, but today you came here on a Hearts and Hooves date. That is worth far more than the cost of your meals.”

Celestia gave an understanding laugh, “Alright. Just keep it in moderation, okay?” He nodded, and she placed some bits on the table, “However, allow me to pay for my companion’s meal, as well as a tip. I’d feel bad otherwise.”

Both the owner and the waiter bowed. “Understood. Thank you for your patronage.”

Celestia walked out of the restaurant and around to the side of the building. She stood in silence for a little bit. “… You know, bailing on your date and leaving them with the bill is considered very rude.”

Parody poked his head out of the bushes lining the street. “Yeah, ‘bout as rude as taking your date to the most expensive restaurant in town, then surprising them with the bill.”

“I know. That’s why I didn’t actually make you pay for it.” She grinned, “I told you I could tease you.”

“Yeah, yeah. So, the bill’s been paid? I’m not gonna have to sell my shop? ‘Cause I’ll be honest, I’m kinda fond of the place.”

“I took care of it, yes. You’ll be paying for dinner in exchange, however.”

“Sounds fair.”

Celestia glanced down the street, “So, what’s next?”

Parody shrugged, shaking loose a few small leaves. “Well, movies are pretty common dates back home. You guys got movies or plays?”

Celestia nodded, “There should be a romantic play showing in the theater today.”

Parody rose from the bushes, scattering leaves everywhere. “Sounds good, let’s go.” He stopped after a couple steps to glance back, “Oh, but we’re paying for our own tickets, okay?”

“Alright,” Celestia followed after him with a wry smile.

Author's Note

Alternate Event:

Parody choked on his tea. “Hmm?” After a moment, he looked up, smile frozen on his face. “I’m paying?”

“Of course.” Celestia smiled brightly, “You weren’t trying to mooch a free meal off the princess, were you?”

His smile stiffened, “… Of course not. That would be ridiculous.”

“You do have money, right?”

“…Yeah, I have… money.”

"After all, it's only natural that the one who invited the other to be the one to pay for the date, right?"

Parody lifted a finger, "You know, that's a very good point. If I may offer a counter point..." He trailed off before bolting up out of his chair and dashing to the door, only to be tackled by the Royal Guards serving as Celestia's escort as he left the building and dragged back inside kicking and screaming.

Well, that's all the I had written out as notes, so the rest of the story is going to take a while to finish, but I'll try to get it out as soon as I can.

Chapter 3

“I’ve gotta say, as far as theater experiences go, that was pretty sub-par.”

The bright sunlight seemed far harsher than normal coming out of the dark theater, blinding everyone as they exited the building. As the white faded into color, the vibrant streets of Canterlot came into view. The road was bustling with vibrant ponies dressed in snazzy outfits going every which way as they went about their business.

Celestia stopped just outside the theater and gave Parody the look of a mother scolding her child, “That’s because you slept through most of it.”

Parody looked affronted, “I slept through most of it because you put me in a silence bubble.”

“I put you in a silence bubble because you were heckling the actors.”

“It was boring!” Parody threw his hands in the air, and they began walking down the road together. “It was the pony version of ‘Romeo and Juliette’! They didn’t even die at the end; they worked it out through the magic of friendship.”

Nodding and waving to all the ponies that greeted her as they walked down the road, Celestia shot Parody a glance. “And how exactly do you know how the play ended? You were asleep.”

His mouth pulled up into a triumphant smirk. “You underestimate my ability to multitask. Such matters are a trifle to one such as I.” After a moment, he glanced to the side and muttered, “Quiet you.”

Celestia giggled. “Still, that was quite the noise you made when I woke you up.”

Parody frowned. “That’s ‘cause you startled me.”

“I tapped you on the shoulder.”

“I’m a light sleeper!” he crossed his arms and turned his head away. “Number of times I’ve been attacked in my sleep; you’re lucky I didn’t wake up swinging.”

Celestia giggled as Parody tried to save face. After walking down the road in silence for a few minutes, Celestia’s smile faded slightly. “So, how did you know they were supposed to die at the end of that play?”

Parody scoffed, “Oh that?” He waved his hand dismissively, “Those two star-crossed dolts are one of the weird universal constants across-” He paused and turned to Celestia, “Were they real here?”

She nodded. “They were nobles from the earlier days of Equestria.”

“Oh.” Parody blinked, “Wait, then why change the ending? Don’t tell me it’s ‘cause you ponies can’t handle a little death.” His mouth pulled into a mocking smirk.

Celestia shifted her gaze to him. Though her expression was neutral, there were all manner of emotions hidden within her eyes. “I just wanted to give them their happy ending, even if only in fiction.”

Parody smirk froze on his face. “Ah. Well, way to bring down the mood.” He relaxed his expression. “I take it you knew them?”

Celestia turned forward, her gaze slightly wistful. “I considered them both dear friends, and I regret it deeply that I wasn’t fast enough to help them.”

Parody nodded along to her words. “Oh. That sucks.”

Celestia blinked, not expecting such a blunt response. After a moment of silence, she looked forward, a soft smile on her face. “… Yes, it does.” She glanced back at the approaching Parody, a light smirk on her face, “Still, I wasn’t expecting you to be so blunt about it.”

Parody crossed his arms as they continued walking. “Hey, if you’re looking for sympathy, you’re looking at the wrong guy.”

Celestia nodded, “Oh, I know. Honestly, even that was more than I was expecting from you.”

“Really?”

Celestia’s smirk faded into a wry smile. “I don’t think she means to, but some of the reports Twilight sends about you make it sound like you have no heart.”

“Ouch,” Grinning wildly, Parody placed a hand over his chest. “That really gets me in the empty void between my lungs.”

Celestia giggled. As her mirth faded, she glanced around at the street they were walking down. They had walked a ways from the theater. Crowds of couple, and even a few small herds, walked about a wide city street decorated with all sorts of colorful hearts and other festive decorations.

Watching the pairs of ponies walk around, Celestia’s mouth twisted up in thought as an idle curiosity popped into her head. “Actually, I have a question for you, Parody.”

“What’s up?”

“What’s your type?”

“My type?” Parody arched his brow, “What brought this on?”

Celestia shrugged, “It’s Hearts and Hooves Day, after all. I already told you I like a partner that’s easy to tease, so I’m curious; what do you look for in a partner?”

“That implies that I’m looking.” He shrugged, “I don’t really have a type.”

“So anyone works as long as they love you?”

Parody frowned, “I mean, I guess that’s one way to put it, but that makes me sound desperate. Like I said, I’m not really looking.”

“So you’ve never thought about it? Not at all?”

Parody shrugged, “No point pondering the impossible.”

Celestia raised her brow, “You really think it’s impossible?”

Parody rolled his eyes. “Alright, let me try that again. My type doesn’t really matter, as I’m critically lacking in female acquaintances that can tolerate me behavior.”

“Really?”

“Yep.” He held up a finger, “Grand total of one.”

“Well, how about male acquaintances? No need to restrict yourself in pursuit of happiness.”

“Hmm.” Parody’s footsteps stopped, his face scrunched up as he lost himself deep in thought. He rubbed his chin in silence for a moment, before twisting his mouth into a grin as he glanced at Celestia, “You know, I just took a peek behind door number two, and you know what? It’s just as barren. Guess I’m just an unlikeable person.”

Celestia gave him a light frown. “I feel like you’re being to hard on yourself. It’s true that you may have…” Celestia trailed of as she grew lost in thought. “… Many traits undesirable in a partner, but-”

“Eh whoa whoa whoa! Hold on! You just tried to count my flaws, didn’t you?! And you totally gave up ‘cause there was too many!!”

A benevolent smile filled Celetia’s face as she placed a supportive hoof on Parody’s shoulder. “I’m sure you’ll find someone who loves you for who you are, faults and all.”

With a sulky frown, Parody slapped away her hoof. “I don’t need your pity.” He turned and stalked down the road.

Giggling, Celestia trailed after him, and eventually they were both laughing aloud, drawing the attention of the surrounding ponies.

“So,” after their laughter faded, Celesita once again turned to Parody, “what now?”

“You know, you keep asking me that as if I know what I’m doing. I don’t exactly-” Parody paused as he spotted something out of the corner of his eye. He stopped, mouth twisting into a smirk. “Hey, I know this isn’t exactly a ‘date-like’ activity, but how about that?” He gestured at an open plaza, prompting Celestia to glance at the large banner that stood at the entrance.

It read: Annual Hearts and Hooves Day Canterlot Cake Eating Contest.

“Oh?” Gone was the affable air that Celestia had carried herself with until this point. Now, she looked down on Parody as if she were a mentor looking down on her upstart pupil. Her mouth curled into a provocative smile. “Are you challenging me?”

Parody puffed out his chest and slowly swaggered his way up to her, a fierce smirk across his face. “I guess I am.”

“Me? Princess Celestia of Equestria? Raiser of the Sun? Known worldwide for her love of sweets?”

He nodded, “That’s right.”

Celestia briefly glanced at the venue. “You know, I’ve won so many of these things that they’ve actually banned me from competing.”

“Really? They banned you?”

“Well, it’s more they politely asked me to refrain from competing in the interest of fair competition…” She turned back to Parody, the very air around her burning with competitive spirit. “But if I’ve been challenged so directly, then I suppose I have no choice, do I?”

Parody crossed his arms, “Hmph. You know, I think I actually have a good chance a winning.”

“… I look forward to putting you in your place, peasant.”

“Bring it, wench. Your crown is mine.”

Full of fierce fighting spirit, they stepped into the plaza.

“By the way, I don’t mean your actual crown, I- I meant that as in, like-”

“No no, I understand.”

“Okay, good.”

Author's Note

Hey, been a while. Really took my time, didn't I? I promise, I have a very good explanation for why it took me so long, outside of the usual "life got in the way" stuff (which it did):

I might have a bit of a reading problem.

After, like, five straight years of reading nothing but My Little Pony fanfiction, I started branching out into other books, and now, about 2.5 years later, I've spent about $9,600 on real books (and that's a conservative estimate)…

… I miss when reading was free.

Anyway, I'm back for now. I've got a little over half the next chapter done, and I'll try to finish it all this time (Story will end around chapter 7 or 8), though, with work and other things (other things being my crippling addition to literature) it'll probably take a little while, since I'll only be working on it in my spare time. It probably won't take me another year...

... Probably