Tense, Unmoored (A Floating Sense of Time)
I lay down on the couch. "Maybe I have a lot of problems, Doctor. Or maybe my problems are all in the past. Sometimes it's hard for me to tell."
"Mmm-hmm," Starlight Glimmer said. I couldn't see her, because the couch was positioned to point my face away from her chair. She'd told me that was to help ponies feel they weren't being judged. But I secretly thought it was so she could play games on her mobilepone without getting caught.
I heard an almost stealthy crunching noise. My guess was, she was eating snacks to take her mind off of work.
I asked her, "Don't you have any questions for me, doctor?"
Starlight replied, "What questions do you think I should have?" Sockdarned doctor wanted to make me do ALL the work. She wouldn't give me any insightful answers OR insightful questions.
I thought this doctor ought to be paying ME for wasting an hour of my time, instead of anypony paying her. But Twilight's Royal Court had ordered me to see some kind of counselor or brain doctor. I had to come here once a week, whether or not I thought it would ever do me any good.
Twilight didn't exactly ORDER me to see this particular counselor instead of some other, but she strongly hinted that Starlight Glimmer really needed more business. Nopony asked MY opinion. I thought Starlight had trouble finding and keeping clients for a reason.
I said, "I'm not sure you could understand. It's...a problem with time. Sometimes I don't know if events are in the past, or in the present. I'm aware of events, but I literally don't know when things happen."
"Oh!" she exclaims. EXCLAIMS! Not exclaimed. EXCLAIMS.
It's starting again. Another shift. Suddenly everything feels so immediate. Sounds seem louder, sights seem more vivid...and I'm so lost in the moment, I lose all ability to think about things from a broader perspective. Sometimes I would even prefer to experience things at a slight remove. But now I can't.
I think maybe it comes from my being too tense.
Starlight says, "So...when do you think it is, right now?"
"I guess...it's NOW, right now."
"How profound," she says. She must be working hard now, to not sound any MORE sarcastic than she does.
At that moment, my point of view changed again, seeming to throw everything into the past. It was as if I only REMEMBERED my appointment with Starlight, instead of being directly in it. Some of the finer details were blurry or missing. My awareness seemed clouded by the imperfections and gaps that usually mar our memories of past events.
"It's like I'm not even here right now," I murmured. "I feel that I'm not having this talk with you, but only remembering it. I feel I'm just telling somepony about my memories.
"And that's not my only problem," I told my useless unicorn counselor.
"Sometimes I also have difficulties with...thinking clearly about ponies' identities. It can become hard to know exactly who I'm dealing with, or talking about," I told the lavender unicorn. "Oh, UNICORN! Not alicorn. So I guess at least you're not Princess Twilight. Unless I'm even more confused than I think."
"Who do you think I am?" the doubtful doctor asked me.
"You're a quadruped who bears terrifyingly strong magic and a single horn. A pony with a dark history of making serious mistakes, but possibly a brighter future. So we hope."
"Can you say my name?" she asks me. ASKS me. Oh sock, another tense change for me!
I say, "Doctor, right now I can hardly even THINK your name. Even though I can still describe you. I can call you the notorious ex-dictator. Or the aspiring counselor whose mail order degree in psychology is so new, the ink on her diploma is still wet. I can even refer to you as one half of a travelling mountebank's secret mutual marecrush."
"You know a lot about me, for somepony who doesn't seem to know my name."
"It's not my fault," I say. "It's a side effect of my condition."
"Your condition?"
"Occasionally I'm omniscient third person," I explain. "If I pay attention when that happens, I can learn an awful lot. Including some things that maybe I'd rather not personally be aware of, but that's the breaks."
"The breaks?"
"When I break character. Narrational character, I mean. When I can be aware of just about anything happening anywhere, in Equestria and beyond. Once I even broke the fourth wall, and I could tell you about people in another universe."
"How...INTERESTING," the doctor remarks. "I don't think I've ever had a patient quite like you before."
"What I hear around town is, you haven't had a lot of patients period. Especially long term patients. No offense, but I know you opened your office only a few weeks ago."
"No offense taken," the purple professional says. "We're just exploring how aware you are of your surroundings. It's part of diagnosing and treating you."
Somewhere in Ponyville, somepony was thinking I was a raving loony. It might have been somepony very close by. But I would only find out the details much later.
"Are you ever aware of thoughts," I asked, "without having any idea who's thinking them?"
Starlight stomps her hoof on the table. "That does it." She sounds angry. I hear a quill scritching on paper. Is she writing a letter to Twilight, saying I don't seem to be taking my treatment seriously? Or maybe saying I seem like such a difficult case, I'm probably incurable?
"I'm honestly trying," I plead. "It's just...hard to explain. My point of view is sometimes very strange, and it changes a lot. Once I think I know how I see things, it changes again."
"Get off my couch."
What can I do? I get up off the couch.
Starlight has more to say. "There's nothing I can do for you. I'm sending you to a specialist. I never want to see you in here again."
Starlight levitates a scribbled note at me. All I can read is the address, which she printed in block letters.
I stare at the note. "Are you sure about this?" I ask. "This address..."
"Never surer. Now get out!"
I let myself out the front door.
***
All I have is an address. And it seems absurd. But I'm under a court order, so what can I do? I have to at least try it.
Fifteen minutes later, I'm knocking on the back door of Sugarcube Corner.
The door is opened by a pink, poofy-maned pony wearing a big, bushy fake beard. "Hello!" she says. "Why the glum look, chum?"
I hold out the note. She takes it and reads it. "Come in," she invites me. Right away, she gives me a cupcake. As I eat it, I'm already feeling a bit better.
"Thanks, Pinkie," I say. "I needed that."
Pinkie hugs me. "I know you've had a very confusing day. Because I guess for you, every day is confusing."
"You've got that right. I hardly know what day it is, and whether I'm coming or going."
Pinkie nodded. "I know what it's like. I read Doctor Glimmer's note, and I can tell she's very confused." Pinkie grins. "I think she's even more confused than you are! But where are my manners? Come sit down."
Pinkie leads me to a table and chairs. We sit facing each other. It's nice to be able to see her cheerful face.
"So..." Pinkie says. "Tense?"
"Right now...I'm in first person present tense. Or no, it just shifted. First person past."
Pinkie nodded. "Good, good."
"Good?" I said. "Do you have any idea how confusing it is, to try to live like this? Every day being constantly reminded, with every shift, that I'm crazier than a nuthatch? At least BIRDS know what season it is, not just what season it WAS."
Pinkie gave me a serious, big eyed look, patting my hoof. "When was the first time you were able to look back on events from a future perspective? And have you ever given any serious thought to how HELPFUL that could be, if you learn to do it right? Would you like me to give you some tips for better managing your condition?"
An absurd-sounding question, you might think. But that was the question that utterly changed my life.
"Someday," I said, "I will be so happy you asked me that. And someday starts right now."
"Good!" Pinkie said. "So how about another cupcake? These have chocolate metasprinkles! They taste kind of weird when you eat them, but you'll remember them forever."
"That sounds great," I say. "Because I never want to forget this day. The day I learned there's somepony else who understands."
"Now THIS sprinkle," Pinky says, pointing her hoof at a tiny brown spot on top of a cupcake, "is named Madeline."
"If she has a name," I reply, "maybe I shouldn't eat her."
"But which is worse?" Pinky asks. "To live forever, but never truly known and loved by anycreature? Or to exist for only a limited time, but be remembered fondly?"
I think about it. "If it were me...I think I'd rather not have anycreature eat me. If I die, the real me is gone forever. But for as long as I'm still alive, even if I'm dissatisfied with my life, there's still hope."
"Good point!" Pinkie squeals. She reaches into a large tin, and hoofs me another cupcake. "Now THIS cupcake is completely anonymous. It has no identity whatever. It's just 'one of those twelve.'" She leans in very close to me, and whispers, "That means it's ok to eat it."
"Thank you," I say. I accept the cupcake, and take a nibble. It's delicious. Maybe even memorably so. But I can't tell you for sure, not quite yet. Not until I shift again...and get a different perspective.
Author's Note
Choose one or more numbers between one and six.
(Censored)
(Also Censored)
If I added a dedication, that would just make things even more confusing. So thank you, secret dedicatee(s)!
Wouldn't it be wonderful if Pinkie Pie could do something like this for more ~~ponies~~people?
If you think your prescription isn't really working right for you, please tell your doctor. If you think your prescription is working right for you but you've lost all hope of ever feeling better, please tell your doctor anyway. Also, be very careful about taking medical advice from fanfiction.
There's a lot of good advice out there, and some bad advice, but most of it isn't in this author's note.
