~ VI ~

To See Him Leave

Twilight wore a smile as did the rest of her friends at the entrance of the castle, wearing a party hat that fastened her mane faintly over her face, her lips, below, blowing a party horn. The rest of the girls joined in as, above, a soft explosion crackled—and confetti rained from above.

The dragon had walked into the dark room to be assaulted by light and sound and laughs and love. Coming to stop in surprise as the bottom of his jacket floated to a stop. He was quick to wear a smile, with a head fallen to the side, eyes closed, a claw scratching the back of his head.

"You girls."

Rarity was the first to walk to him and flick him with her tail. "Girls, Spike, and don't you dare make a joke about a lack of distinction."

Applejack chuckled as she was the next to walk behind the dragon, slowly and around, like a shark around a prey. Her glance bounced to Rarity. "Y'know, you're kinda turnin' into him, Rares. Realizin' his jokes before he makes 'em. You could almost crack them for him."

There was a flap of wings, and Rainbow hovered over the dragon's shoulder, looking down at the two. "You kiddin'? Rarity's the kind of girl to turn to stone if she ever cracked a crude joke." She brushed the texture of his jacket. "Cool jacket." She looked at him. "This proof you're trying to get laid? My cloud's just outside."

Twilight blushed and stumbled in place. "R-Rainbow! That's—"

"Don't ask for what you might not be able to take," the dragon replied with a smirk that revealed a glinting fang. "You do know you're smaller than Rarity, right?"

Rainbow could not have looked happier at that instant as she snuggled the side of her face into his. "Spike! Spike, my boy! Finally! Finally, you grew up!" She peeled away and crossed her forehooves. "Able to flirt and crack a joke and—laugh! Why are you leaving now of all times?"

Spike chuckled and reached a claw for her hoof, brushing his thumb over her fur, as she smiled in taking it away. "I'll be back soon enough. Just need to catch up on the life that I'd been missing out there."

Rainbow's body heaved before slumping. "And there's the return of the dork."

He flicked her forehead. "Hunk of a dork."

Rainbow crossed her forehooves and turned away in the air. "Hey! Only I can do that to squirts, squirt." She peeked over her shoulder and looked him up and down. "And don't be calling yourself anything yet. Hunk is too big of a word for you yet."

"Give me a few years out there, and we'll change that around."

There was a crack in the air and a hammer on the heart on the jest that showed how long the dragon planned to be away for. The friends looked to each other for a second, a quick glance that he could not catch—before the smiles went back up.

Rainbow, however, flew back to his neck, which her forelegs swung around, and she hugged him. Draped along his neck with her muzzle buried beneath his frill. "You can come back weaker so long as you come back sooner, champ."

His claw squeezed her hoof. "Promise I'll be back before your first wrinkle."

"Spike. C'mon. Please."

He exhaled.

"Promise I'll come home as soon as I'm ready—and visit plenty before that."

Rainbow kissed him. "Thanks, big guy."

None of the friends mocked the girl for this, as, for her to expose and express herself like this—meant and was a lot to her. Being able to make herself weak before a crowd with the trust that they wouldn't rip on her for this. Rather the rest of the friends pooled up, each to his limb, coming in for the group hug.

He chuckled and wrapped his arms around the girls, inhaling deeply, the feeling of all the warm, pressed bodies, their fluff and how they rubbed against him. Their love. Their friendship. This place had been his home, and that truth came easily from his lips.

Twilight had found herself against his stomach, laying her cheek against it, looking up, to see his head hovering above. Looking down with those glowing eyes of his. Green, and softly burning. A smile followed on his lips.

And one did the same on her own. She snuggled into him, easily, and his claw laid on her neck, holding her tightly, for this one last act of love.

Then it was over as the friends back away.

The party was a bunch of little games with a cake and a bowl for drinks and mostly heartfelt conversations. Footstep results with confetti stuck to hooves and feet alike and were ignored as laughter from 'Pin the Tail' distracted one from stuff like that.

But soon, the day was coming to an end and, all throughout the party, Twilight could feel the glances as her friends. She was able to look at them easily, smile and nod, proof that she'd already accepted the ending to this challenging chapter.

And then it was time for the dragon to go.

Spike kneeled before the door as the six friends gathered before him in a curve. Pinkie was the first to walk up with a large bag.

"You told us you were thinking of walking it that super-duper long way," Pinkie said as she lowered the bag before him, "so I figured I'd pack you some drink and snacks, healthy and not-so-healthy, to better enjoy the trip!"

Spike chuckled and lifted the bag with a nod, twisting and placing it inside the one on his back before turning back. He laid his palm on her head and ruffled her mane, with the mare giggling the whole way through. "Thanks, Pinkie. I'll party hard when I think of you."

She snickered and bounced back. "Don't forget to laugh harder!"

Fluttershy was next and silently so. She walked right into him, with a head turned away, only a pink waterfall of mane visible of the little pony. Next, she was on him, on two hooves, the other two, hugging him, as she kissed his cheek.

Spike gasped but not for long. Blowing out any air of strength he had in allowing himself to be weak. His arms weakly rose, barely able to wrap around her. Then he hugged her. Tightly. Enough to give him warmth, a feeling of love, to get him through that door.

She pulled away without words, only another kiss on his cheek, before stepping back to the rest of the crowd—still hidden beneath her mane. Unable to look at him. To reveal herself. But he smiled at this. Understanding immensely.

Rainbow had already walked around him, falling into his side, snuggling against him, with a foreleg brushing over his wings. "Don't you go forgetting all the hard work I put into teaching you. You're bigger but lithe. Your setting dictates how you use these."

Spike chuckled and hooked an arm around her neck. "A maneuver for every situation."

"Jackpot." Rainbow then slipped out from his hold, backing away with a blush. "Later, big guy."

He tapped a claw to his forehead and gestured it outward. Already someone was pressing into his waist. Rarity, with her muzzle beneath his coat, placing something into his pocket. She then hugged him. "A watch and a photo of us. Let too much time pass and that photo begins to be less accurate. Understand me?"

"How can that be?" Spike replied in fishing in for the pocket watch, a round thing of gold, his thumb sinking into a button. The watch opened to reveal a clock and, to the side, a photo of the girls, recently posed, all blowing him kisses with their hooves. He smirked. "When you're set to be beautiful until the end of time?"

Rarity pranced onto two legs and rose to kiss his chin. "I love the way you lie; it's so reassuring."

Twilight twitched.

Rarity pulled away a mere step. "I know it wasn't for long, dear... but I did enjoy our romance together."

Spike nodded. "Taught me a lot."

"And taught me far more."

Applejack came next with a hesitant step and even heavier breath. Looking to the ceiling but not to suppress tears. Rather her hoof lifted to her head, and she took off her hat, pressing it to her chest.

Spike coughed. "C'mon Aj. I'm not dying here."

Applejack weakly smirked. "I know. You'll give the world a good hiney whooping on my account. I taught you how to kick straight, right?"

He weakly smiled back. "And when such a kick deserves the delivery."

Her smile strengthened. "Then I did raise you right."

Applejack stole forward and, while doing so, motioned her hoof downward. Her muzzle made to whisper in his head, and so, the dragon lowered his head—in time for her hat to be slapped onto his head. His spines sunk underneath it as it barely touched his forehead.

He blinked as she whispered something into his eyes. Then he shook and reeled back to look at her. She was laughing and nodding and then launching herself at him. The tightest hug that usually only went to family. Not even the strength of a dragon could return it.

The mare was splayed against him. Hind legs around his waist and forelegs over his shoulders. He held her tightly, too, and stroked her back with a claw. Applejack chuckled into speech. "You take real good care of that hat now, ya hear? Wouldn't trust that even to Rainbow."

"Hey!"

“Promise nothing will touch it.”

"Good! Because there's nowhere in them badlands that are safe when I'm huntin' you down." Applejack peeled herself away, and the dragon lurched after her, already missing the contact of another. "You give that hat back to me the next time we see each other. Don't matter how long that is. You feel me?"

He blushed. "Feel you."

She grinned and turned away.

It was all so scary to be here for real. Down on his knee as the castle was dark save for the lights pouring from the windows behind. Knowing his friends sat on the edge of darkness, that he would be leaving them there.

They all would be alright, of course, and he was glad his departure had some effect. There was always the fear that, in ceasing to be as close or around someone for a while that, suddenly, the past did not matter.

What two had gone through, and what they had felt for each other, would no longer matter if enough time had gone by. Yet the hugs and the love. The gifts and the nip of pain in the air. The girls wouldn't be destroyed by his leaving. But it would make the next few days harder.

And even though he didn't wish to cause any of the strife.

It caused him a little joy to know he meant something to them.

His digits tapped on his hat and followed its rim, its shadow falling over his face until his claw fell to his jacket. He looked around the walls, the decorations, the photos of their years together. It cracked his heart in a good way.

And then someone significant came before him.

Spike looked down in emotional confusion as Twilight stepped toward him, who looked at the ground as her tail swished behind. She looked like a guilty pony, in trouble for stealing a cookie. It was a bit comical. But he suppressed the laugh.

Twilight then raised her muzzle to reveal her face, the soft sorrow bathed across it, the eyes glinting in violet. Her smile reached out but then fell back. Shoulder rising only to drop. Proof that she was giving all of this her best effort.

Spike opened his arms.

And she fell into them.

The girls watched around the couple as the mare stood on two legs, with herself pressed against him, her head resting on his shoulder, her hooves tracing across his back. The dragon was the same, nuzzled into the other side of her face, stroking her mane.

What kind of departure was this? The leaving of a friend? A lifelong friend? The separation of lovers? A tragedy in a mistake overcoming a friendship? Or was it a relationship now? None of those words and none of the questions ever panged truth in their hearts.

For it was not any of those.

This was that Spike was leaving.

And that Twilight wouldn't be seen for a long time.

Nothing could encompass them better than their names. Spike hugged tighter a little bit tighter, and she did the same in return, the last breach of love before months of nothing. Softness brushing against him. Smoothness stroking down her back. His claws gripped her, and her forelegs nearly choked him.

They weren't best friends or lovers.

They were Spike and Twilight.

Twilight was the first to wiggle beneath his grasp, and Spike lightened it, allowing the mare to lean away. She was smiling, raising a hoof to his cheek, stroking it. Going so far back as to brush his ear fin as well.

They looked into each other's eyes, with only an inch to spare, their breaths, caught by the other, their warmth, felt by each other. Keeping close. Feeling warm. The pleasantness of intimacy greatened by their love—for intimacy was an expression of that love.

Spike swept the mane out from her eyes to see them better, which caused the mare to blush, glancing downward, but flicking back up to him. And he could see it, then. Without words. No insecurity to get in the way. He could see that all his fears and woes were no more.

There was no routine. No wit or wordplay. Not a game to be played or a character to be acted. Spike could see the mare's being, what she underneath it all, the girl deep inside. How she looked to him. What was infused in this connection.

Twilight saw it as well in her baby assistant, who had grown into a dashing drake. Young and strong and tall and kind. Bigger and better without losing that childish delight. Scales so strong, and yet, eyes so soft. To be a beast without being a beast at all.

He was grown now. Set on a life of his own. With a hat and a jacket and the skill and will to traverse dangerous lands well on his own. Both able to battle hazardous creatures and able comfort those in need of help. So much that he could have been—were he not stuck here.

Yet she saw his love. How his eyes glinted with touches of moisture at the corner of his eyes. Spike looked at her like none else had done in her life. Softly. Tenderly. Infusing his being into his gaze as its inspiration was born from what he saw in her.

The way he loved her.

To overcome it all. Insecurity and doubts. Fears and shames.

Even before their closeness.

He would have done it all.

He loved her deeply. Back when they were more affectionate. Before they got slotted into their official roles in life. What they had to be. Needed to be. What was accepted. Before fears of weakness and the desire to be strong. The two were able to melt into each other's arms.

Twilight closed her eyes at that moment and, while the dragon's claw slipped from her waist, she leaned in, toward his face, onto his lips. She kissed them. Even though they were still. Despite not returning her love. She kissed them, slowly, passionately, as though it would be the last time.

That claw returned, only this time, to the back of her head, helping it, holding it, as the two kissed. It wasn't a playful battle. Not one of their games in the bed. It was a real, genuine kiss, an expression and transfer—an acknowledgement of the depth of the other's feelings.

And how it all matched in the end.

The kiss was done in a few seconds, and none could label it. Friends normally didn't kiss like that. Separated lovers knew to take that risk. Yet they were none of those. Instead, they were Spike and Twilight. And all that had happened.

Felt right.

Twilight backed out from his hold and stumbled with the rest of her friend, smiling up at the dragon, able to stand taller, wider, and happier. As though releasing a great weight, guilt and pain, in not revealing what she was beneath the surface.

But now, both of them had to return to the states of their world.

Spike chuckled as he rose onto his feet, with a last look at the girls, before giving them a salute. He turned to the door and opened it. Stopping at the door frame, he sighed, then struck him straight and gave them a final wave.

Then he was out the door, and then it closed, and none watched him through the window. Moments passed like ice being crunched—every ticking of the clock hurting their hearts. Once enough time had passed, however, the girls collectively breathed, gasped, and then collapsed.

All of them fumbled to the floor.

"Oohoohooo..." Rainbow groaned from the floor. "Anyone feel like their stomach's about to explode?"

Applejack had her back slumped against a wall. "More so my chest on this one."

Pinkie blew and wobbled her lips. "All feeling in my legs is gone!"

"My head is worse than after a few bottles of wine," Rarity chimed.

And Fluttershy whimpered.

Twilight Sparkle was the only one left standing as she looked around the entrance of her castle. It all seemed to be bathed in a different light. Dimmer, the air, changed, less tension—less anything.

There wasn't anything here now. Her friends were. They radiated a slight essence into the room. A faint one, for she knew they would be gone soon. Soon everything would be calmer, emptier, and easier.

Isn't that what she wanted? An environment that would always be the same? That she wouldn't have to worry being weak or strong in—for none would see? It was her safe place. Where she could get away from everyone and everything. Where she could become what she needed to be in the same conditions.

No pesky changes to worry about.

The perfect environment for a princess... with close friends... but not too close as to get in the way.

Twilight stood up on two legs and, leaning back, did not care about how she crashed on her wings. Everyone heard and looked over at her. She was staring at the ceiling, smiling, her lips opening to reveal laughter.

She started laughing. Slowly and softly. Building into loudness with cracks forming throughout. And then she was aware of the whimpering between the laughs. The tears caused her laughing to wheeze. How her forelegs paddled in the air and her body rolled, and her tail flicked around.

And then she recalled the friends that formed around her, hugging the crying, laughing mare, who had just lost her Spike.

The grass was cold beneath his foot, and the dying, golden sunset bathed the silhouette in the town for the last time. The dragon climbed the hill in a hunch, exhaling steam in reaching the top, turning around, slowly, to look at home.

His claw pulled down the hat to block the rays of light as he stared on. Another crack beneath the scales would cause him to get stronger. No matter how much it hurt, regardless of how weak it made him feel. Going through all of this would make him stronger in the end.

And one often had to do the right thing to then feel the right thing.

Spike waved to the town like an adventuring kid, even though none would see it, though his future self would remember this fond goodbye. It helped his heart to wave it off and made it much easier to turn around.

Before he loomed the forest he was never allowed to enter alone, a place where, so many years ago, all the girls were terrified to enter. Things had so much weight back then. Places too scary to go inside or too far for him to be allowed.

Yet the dragon stepped into the forest with ease, and wandered inside of it for long, with no set path, only the impression his wandering heart led him to. Towering grass tickled his knees, and rotting wood crunched beneath his unseeing foot. Dark green vines hung above and drooped very low.

His claw was able to slice through them as he went along, sometimes sliding over hunks of dying trees. There was the ruffling of grass behind him. Glowing eyes that floated in the darkness between the black trees. Many of them, watching him until the dragon snarled.

His lip rose to reveal his fangs as spurts of emerald fire washed out from his mouth. Smoke wafted upward, growing in size, as the dragon stood tall. His eyes burned, and their glow wavered in intensity.

Suddenly. Around him. The floating eyes stopped appearing and, in the coming seconds, soon disappeared into the darkness. Once the last one was gone, the dragon breathed, chuckling, taking off his scary face.

"No girls to save me," Spike muttered to himself while placing his claws on his waist, "no needing Twilight to direct me." He shook his head. "Finally, my own dragon. Independent! Maybe... maybe I'm cut out for this after all."

Living life out in the wild, finding a way to survive, seeing new places, meeting different kinds of creatures. It was a life he dreamed of as a kid. To become strong enough to see the world. Spike never expected it to happen. And it nearly didn't feel real even now.

But his adventures had him camping in the forest, where he set camp and a fire, sitting on a log of wood with claws pressed to the flames. The green glow laid over the surroundings. He sighed and looked around—none to talk to.

He then looked up to see a clearing in the dense foliage. The sky loomed above. Vast and bright with stars so close that his claw reached for one. Excitement broke inside to share this with someone. That someone else could see how beautiful the sky looked, how the fire felt, and all the minor developments of late.

"We all used to do this," the dragon rattled only to himself while still looking up, "the girls and me. Just come out one night and look at the sky. It's crazy to think that, even on all the nights we're all so busy, that the sky still looks like this."

Then he chuckled as his shoulders dropped. "Even before that. Canterlot Gardens. Twilight and I used to come out every night, after cleaning and studying, to enjoy the cool air—and look at the stars. She used to tell me what they meant, and I used to tell her how that cloud kinda looked like Celestia with a moustache."

He chuckled, and his head fell to the side. His glance around the empty campfire depleted him. "I wonder. Will I spend the rest of this trip myself? Or will others want to join me for the trip? I could protect them... help them to where they're going... maybe even... make some friends of my own?"

His head shook even though he was smiling.

He was set on going his own path.

But a part of it did not feel right.

He spent the rest of the night looking at the sky, focused only on that, all his problems, him as a dragon, all of it, fading as he watched the stars. Able to become one with them as he lost his mortal self at that moment. One becomes alive when they looked to the sky.

Spike was glad to forget himself, as he would be, as his travels took him well beyond the forest.

It had been a day or days, the passing of time, no longer important, for the princess it once mattered the most to. Before she opened the doors of the castle to the darkness of the interior. The moonlight behind shone in, as did the chill that nipped at her coat.

She didn't bother with a jacket, nor did she flick on a light on coming inside. The doors slammed behind, and her horn glowed enough to see the way—no sense in turning on lights for a couple of seconds. Being optimal was what counted.

Strolling through the hallway had her rubbing a hoof into her shoulder with a rolling of her heat. There'd been a knot in the muscles that pricked at her throughout the walk. She chose not to deal with it now. Instead going to her bedroom, the door, opening and closing, the clopping of her feet on crystal, the only living sounds, and they too ceased once she leapt into bed.

The squeak of springs died to the sinking of the mattress.

Twilight laid on her bed with another sigh and found them contagious. She didn't bother wiggling beneath the covers. Rather she curled into herself. Stroking her raised tail which she hugged to her torso. Waiting.

And waiting.

Waiting for something.

It was foolish to wait for anything now. There would be no surprise visit from a friend. The dragon would not suddenly be returning home, having forgotten something, much less changing his mind. She didn't pretend not to miss him. Or that she was better off without him.

Those thoughts and feelings flared for a second—and for a second only.

But Twilight was waiting for something. What was it? There were no events that came to mind. No future parties or plans as a princess. On her desk was a stack of papers that, for the first time, were left undone and overdue.

But Princess Celestia had not written to her about it.

Twilight's shoulders dropped as the frozen breeze rolled in from the open window. Chilling across her furs and stinging at the skin beneath. All that awaited her tomorrow were studies and magical practice. Day after that was a meeting with some guards to set her taking over the throne easier in their minds.

Work.

Twilight buried her face into her chest and kicked her knees as close to her belly as could be. Knowing that yesterday would be the same as tomorrow without hope of variation. Princess Celestia ruled that way. Leaving little room for surprises due to her strength and routine. It allowed her to govern better.

Wasn't that what you were wanting? What that whole thing with Spike was for? To get over that pesky problem and get back on the program you were meant to be on? Wasn't this all that you wanted all throughout your life? To be left alone to study, to work, to become what Celestia wanted to be?

Then an even smaller voice, one of a filly, answered her.

But I was always left alone with Spike—which isn't alone at all.

Twilight laid her head onto the pillow as her mane spilled across it. She snuggled into it, twisting and lazily kicking on the bed, coming to slip her forehooves beneath the pillow. Hugging it for its faint softness and warmth. It, nothing, to abyss within that was needing to be filled.

Do I want to be with him? Of course, I do.

She snuggled the pillow harder to her chest, laying her chin on the top of it, and looking out, across the room, through the window, to the moon forever away.

Do you want to be with him like that?

Her heart clenched the answer.

I want to be with him in every way possible.

Her stomach did a twirl.

Friend? Lover?

Her cheek smushed and rubbed against the pillow.

None of that. He's my Spike.

Her heart leapt at her possession of another to an intensity of a blush and the heating throughout her body. The room was cold, and the breezes becoming stronger. Closing the window, getting beneath the covers, casting a warming spell.

All of them would be quick and easy.

And yet.

Something within stopped her from doing anything.

I don't own him. He's not mine to have. He's Spike. My Spike.

She choked, and her body warmed against the cold.

It's not right at all to want him after all of that. I just remember being so afraid... when he wanted to be closer. L-Love. That's what this is, i-isn't it? A mare like me actually in love? That's not... no. T-That doesn't happen to girls like me. That's meant for other ponies. Ponies like Rarity and...

But Rarity had found love to be boring and lust to be more interesting.

But not me. I'm... I'm the girl with her nose in a book. Only keeps with her friends and never does much deeper than that. Maybe like. Want a kiss. T-That night where I... it... that stallion was an e-experiment!

Steam exhaled through her lips, from warmth touching cold, what was inside facing the outside.

M-Maybe I could find love after a while. O-Once I'm used to this w-whole p-p-princess thing. I'd find someone that was right. T-Then I would go through all the feelings... everything would be... be as it should be? I'm the kind of mare that finds love later on. Or not at all. What this is, is...

What was it then? The chance of intimacy with Spike? A one-time event to help her through a problem and have it be a separate incident? Were it just that, she would feel nothing more than that, and yet, her heart, it pounding on the interior of her chest.

In some ideal, fantasy world, I find the perfect prince and e-experience p-proper love. Some faceless, dashing stallion, and all the cliches my mind could muster.

Her shoulders slumped into each other.

The image of Spike popped into her head. Tall and goofy and wearing a tuxedo. Going to offer her a claw only to trip and fall bang his nose into the stone beneath them. Her laughing in a white dress from above. Him grumbling. And then her offering a hoof to help him up.

That idea warmed up her, an imperfection, which was perfection itself, so clear, and evoking hurricane inside. Tears stung at the corner of her eyes as marriage never touched the girl's mind. Yet Twilight saw herself with Spike without having to try.

And the images of the life that would follow, not so much from the life that they had so long ago. Back when yesterday being the same as tomorrow could not have made her happier—for it met another day with her assistant.

With her Spike.

I love him.

Twilight cried silently to herself. Feeling her throat, croak, and chest wound awfully sore. She wheezed her breath and fought to keep herself in check. Like a greedy little filly that cared only for herself. Punished for acting out of line.

Bhut I... I was s-s-scared. A-Actually becoming that close. It was scary. G-Going that next level—I'd never been there before! H-How else was I supposed to react! When he said it, he meant it. He meant it. Oh, Celestia. He meant it, and it meant it was for real, and it meant that we would have to be together, and it meant—

She was breathing in quick spurts and, in catching herself, drank a gulp of air, swallowing, slowly, to calm herself. There'd been the expectation to a claw to be running down her back to help her through this—but it wasn't there. It would have been, though, and so much else had she not said 'no.'

Guilt crept its return.

H-He was willing to brave... his fear of lust... to make you happy... and yet... yet... you could not brave... loving the dragon you love... out of fear... of all the things you wanted...

The idea of loving someone, deeply and truly, for the rest of her life—that vague notion terrifiedher. Once she gave it some thought, though, to wake up in a bed with a dragon stroking her mane, to sharing a shower and having some fun... to breakfast and conversation to a day at work... only to come home... with the lights on... room warm...

Twilight winced and wiggled through the pain. Seeing how those rough days, she could come home, lay in his lap, be brushed, and drone about all that had been nipping at her. Twilight carried herself tall and strong and stoically dealt with her pains that, while it caused her to be stronger, also made her weaker in another way.

She could become a princess that dealt with all pains in the light but succumb to them in the shadows. That didn't need to rely on anyone else but herself to get through all the troubles of duty and life. But having that dragon. Of being able to come home, cry and whine, to be consoled, loved, and given the affection, the needed words to go on.

Princess Celestia never needed someone to return to after a long day of being a princess. Didn't need to curl into someone's lap and be loved to fight the next day. She's stronger than that. And I have to be even STRONGER than THAT. So how... why...

Twilight was in a whirl and a mess, and her hooves were reaching beyond the mattress. Her hooves clattered onto the ground as she stood, shaking herself still and wiping the tears from her eyes.

I'd also want to be there for him. To make him feel good in whatever way I could. Knowing I had that direct effect on someone. He's so easy to please in every way possible. Even when I sucked... his face, so red, so panting, s-so cute. I-I loved making him look that way. I love...

She pressed a hoof to her head and exhaled the exhaustion away. Her scattered mind tore her to a thousand places of a million feelings in the span of a couple of seconds. There was no getting over it. No proper answer. Just conflict wherever she looked.

And they would only be resolved with a choice.

Twilight's horn shone, and in the second next, a flash consumed her.

The softly violet room was cast in low, warm lighting from the candle perched on the drafting desk. Princess Celestia sat before it, wearing glasses that none were allowed to see her wear, while she bit on a quill.

Magic would have allowed her to easily write. At least using her wings, while not perfect, would have been better. But the alicorn wanted to get in touch with her earth pony roots and decided this to be the night to try something new.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but the princess is currently occupied and asked to not be disturbed."

"I understand that." The voice was quiet and soft to the point of a strained whine that came from a cry. "But please. Do you think I could talk to her? It's important."

"Important enough as to be deemed an emergency, ma'am?"

Celestia dropped the side of her muzzle to the desk, letting the quill drop from her teeth, before turning, rousing, and walking toward the door. The other voice barely spoke above a whisper. "I-I... suppose not. Could you schedule me for an appointment at the—"

Celestia's hooves pushed the doors open as she leaned out from them, looking out into the hall, where two guards were posted on either side of the sprawling rub. Before them was the shy, lavender student, that she hadn't seen in years.

Always buried beneath that princess trying to be strong.

"Anything that would cause a pony to seek a friend after midnight is, indeed, an emergency, gentle colts." The two guards spun, to the clunk of their golden armour, before saluting the princess. "Please be so kind as to allow my guest inside. Do feel free to enjoy a break and allow ourselves some privacy."

Twilight stood behind the guards and was sunk into herself. However, at hearing her voice, the filly beamed, walking forward, still nervous, but happily so. She stepped next to Celestia, brushing into her legs, and Celestia nuzzled the top of her head.

Twilight then disappeared into her room with Celestia about to turn around. However, the guards were still looking at her. It didn't take long for the princess to glare at them while touching a hoof to her glasses. "No word about these to anyone. Ever. Do you two understand me?"

They nodded, slowly, and stepped away, still slowly, walking backward, through the hall, as though waiting for a blast from her horn. They turned a far corner like this. Princess Celestia grinned before a heavy sigh escaped her. Then she returned to the room and closed the doors behind her.

Twilight was already lying at the center of the room, curled into herself, something she hadn't done even before moving to Ponyville. Celestia smiled, and Twilight frowned. The latter went to get up but, before she could, Celestia was lying down around her—pulling the smaller mare beneath a wing.

The filly giggled and allowed the wing to hug her, barely poking through it, her side snuggled into the larger mass of the princess. She wiggled into a bit. Rubbing her cheek into Celestia's fluff. The older mare laughed, stroking Twilight, the two, enjoying this strange, sudden trip to the past.

Moments passed. The two kept together without words. One brushing the other. Twilight laid her muzzle on the floor, looking at the ground, as the princess watched her from above. More time went by before the filly so much as sighed.

And then came the release of words.

"Do you know why I'm here, princess?"

Celestia smiled—the kind of smile that was painful to wear. "I do think I have some idea. Although I thought I would have received a trip from you earlier."

Twilight glanced up at her with pleading eyes. "How come you didn't write to me? Warn me?"

And now that smile was even more painful. "I was going to let you work out that problem on your own. It wouldn't have been your development if I influenced it." She nudged the little one's head. "Of course. The moment you choose to write to me—I would have helped in any capacity. But that needed to come from you, first."

Twilight looked down and, after a second, ultimately nodded. "I understand."

"But I guess that's the reason why you're here now? Although, with the change in seasons..."

Twilight shook her head and looked back up again. "It's not about that. It was... harder, this year. But Spike got me through it."

Celestia swallowed, and she recoiled. "Spike? In what regard?"

"...in all the regards you're properly thinking."

"Were you two?"

"Never like that." Twilight exhaled and looked away. "Only helped because I didn't have anyone else. Promised him it wouldn't lead to anything more or change anything like that at all."

Celestia closed an eye. "And I suppose that didn't remain the case for long?"

"It was the first time, both of us, had even gotten close to someone in our lives." Twilight bitterly smiled at the memory as she laid her chin on the top of her forehooves. "It's so strange to be able to talk about this so easily. But I think I've already burned all my anxiety on it."

Celestia lowered her muzzle to her student's mane, nuzzling it, infusing it with as much love as possible. "Tell me what happened, my dear Twilight."

Twilight groaned and huffed like a wounded, teenage filly, with a heart sore from being so slashed up. "W-We came to find out we loved each other. Not as friends or lovers. But I loved him and... and he loved me."

"A love beyond any known identity? That's very sweet, Twilight." Celestia's muzzle pulled away. "I'm very proud of you two."

Twilight set her muzzle away from her mentor. "Be more proud of him. We were both scared of that love. But while he was willing to be brave enough to try it..."

"You choked?"

"Celestiaaaa..."

Celestia smiled. "It's nearly been a decade since I've last heard that. You have a way of cutely droning other's names." She then sighed as that happiness left. "So you rejected him. Did you two end up fighting?"

Twilight shook her head. "Not at all. He kept around to help me with my season, and I... kept him longer even after that." She blushed but made no mention of it. "After a while, though, I-I guess... dunno. He felt stuck. Or something. And wanted to go out and explore the world and live with the dragons and maybe stay with them forever and then never come back to see me because I rejected or did something or—"

Twilight didn't know when the oxygen ran out, and the hyperventilation began, but she was breathing, in fact, huge chunks, while a wing brushed at her back. Slowly, matching her tempo, then slowing that, offering her a guide on how to breathe.

After a few moments, her breathing had returned, somewhat, to normal.

And a little after that.

Her heart rate returned too.

"S-Sorry."

"Please." Celestia didn't stop brushing her back. "As strange as it is to say... I've missed helping you through your panic attacks." She chuckled. "It seems like I started being the cause of them after a certain point." She grinned. "And that a certain dragon took my role in consoling you."

Twilight softly nodded at that.

Celestia sighed and looked forward. "But now you must know that I have to ask you why you're here, Twilight."

The poor mare wiggled into herself and, thus, more underneath the wing, trying to get away from her mentor and, inadvertently, getting closer to her. She was such a strange mare as though not suspecting even to be comforted like this.

Or maybe that she was beyond the age where she could be comforted like this.

Eventually, however, the filly peeked out from underneath the canopy of the wing. "I-It's just, um, t-there's been this question on my mind. Y'know, since the start of all this. How you managed to rule alone. You and Luna, never needing to, uh..."

Celestia's eyes closed with a heavy weight building on top of them. Numb hooves painfully tingled as breathing carried swampy air. She passed through the trouble with even more incredible difficulty. "That... is a question I've been waiting for you to ask, and dreading to answer it."

The princess raised her head as the end of her horn glinted in the colour of frost. Swirling and growing as a replica of the sphere appeared before them. Twirling with frozen winds that were contained within the shape. Their sounds were silent.

Twilight sat up to Celestia's wing, draping over her more. She peered forward at the magic. "What is that? I've never quite seen a spell like that before."

Celestia smiled despite not wanting to. "That is a spell crafted by Luna and myself and has not seen use beyond the two of us." She too looked into the magic that had stolen her of everything special. "Its use is targeted only to alicorns. Hence why thought it best it be kept to ourselves."

Twilight swallowed the spice of apprehension. "W-What does it do?"

And then Celestia told her the cold hard truth. "The world you found yourself born into, Twilight Sparkle, was not the same world Luna and I were thrust inside. Powerful chaos imbued the lands, and ponies were separated by discord."

Twilight listened on. She glanced back to the freezing sphere. The two mares looked into it.

"Once Luna and I had ascended and brought harmony to the lands," Celestia went on, "there was still the need to bring order to ponies. To provide leaders they could trust as civilization began. Our heat is our connection to our time before that. Us leaders needed to be strong."

Twilight was shaking her head into the inner-curve of her teacher's warm wing. It was smooth and sleek and enough to keep her nuzzling. "But you two... were strong! I've read the books! All the chaos you banished from the lands..."

The mare blushed in her realization of speaking like a filly.

Celestia giggled and stroked Twilight's head. "That's a reflection of might, and not true strength, dear." Her brushing stopped. "We needed might to defeat our foes. We needed might to show that we could hold order." She exhaled longingly. "We could not convert Discord as your friendship had. We did not live in a time where our ponies would have regarded us well for stumbles and fumbles."

Twilight shot downward and stroked her wrist with a hoof. The end of a wing settled on her cheek, wiping it, before lifting it back to Celestia's face. She saw something that Celestia had never shown her before. Something that the princess might have never shown before.

For the first time in her life.

Twilight saw Celestia being tired.

The frozen blue magic had lowered and twirled the princess's face, revealing the wrinkles, the faded eyes, the worn shoulders. The dried fur and the patchy skin. The mane was like straw as it clung to her back.

Celestia went to smile, the lips, slow and cracked, fighting to push away her cheek. Then she smiled. Smiled for a second. Before the exertion was too much and her lips were forced to return to normal. "We lived in a time, dear, where our mistakes would have meant the end to everything."

Then the magic carried back up her face, and the princess was returned to normal, flowing mane and glowing eyes, everything one expects to see from a being above beings. "You live in a time, Twilight, where ponies learn from your mistakes with you, and the world feels closer to its next princess for it."

Her smile was easier, and held longer, but how real was it?

"Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Twilight dipped her head. She didn't think. Deciding not to trust that thing anymore. Rather, she spoke, and let the words go. "That you had to appear as strong, no matter what, to protect the land. But now that the world is more harmonious... that I can risk being weak?"

Her ears flopped and her head shook. "Guh. I dunno anymore."

Celestia went back to petting her. "What I'm offering you, my dear Twilight, is a choice. Should you choose to step into that magic over there, it will deprive you of most warmth, to every aspect, until you choose to undo it."

Now it was time for Celestia to swallow regret. "It means you will not succumb to heat and expose yourself to be like everyone else. It means no pony in all the world could cause you to love them and risk national affairs. You will not fear anything, no matter how grave the effect. This spell allows your every weakness to be taken away—so only strength remains."

The old mare couldn't help but chuckle. "And taking this magic is weakness itself. True strength is allowing oneself to be weak. True power is being able to let power go." She slowly shook her head. "You have the ability to be stronger than us. To make mistakes. Fumble and stumble. To depend more on your subjects. To convert more foes than we defeated."

Celestia bent her head. "Cadance choose to walk the path of warmth, no matter how much it burned, regardless of how weak it rendered her, for she always had Shining at her side. He was already a fine guard at the time. But even she will be cast into the ultimate weakness... once his time has come."

Twilight winced and wiggled back and out from the wing, coming to stand away from the princess and the spell but, at the same time, feeling compelled toward them. Celestia knew that the teacher had to be quiet during the test.

"It would... be so much... e-easier..." Twilight muttered to herself in stealing a step toward the glowing ball. "No more anxiety. No more doubts. Just pure logic. Steady improvement. Fine ruling. No little warm spots threatening to ruin everything big. Everything important."

Celestia glanced at the ground.

Something need not be big to be important.

Twilight walked toward the sphere, not thinking, her steps controlled by pain. Unease and woe and everything at all she would want perished. To make life so much easier. Objective. Better for everyone.

Frost licked at her skin. Froze the tuft of her chest. Enough to cool her inner-heat. To freeze over that annoying, beating heart. Her hoof lifted toward the magic. Wanting to dip it in to see how it would feel. Yet she was still. Unable to move.

"Ya seem as distant as the farm is to the moon, sugarcube. Care for a sit and to look at the sky with me?"

N-No. Sorry. B-Busy with a spell and—

"Fine wine and verbally bashing tasteless guys is the essence of a lady's life! You've come, but you don't seem as involved anymore. Tell me, have you not been trying your luck? Or do these nights no longer interest you?"

Nothing like that! Just... tired of talking about that one stallion. And I don't live much of a life that gives me much to complain about over wine! I love you, Rares. And I should love this. But I...

"Can you help me with the animals this weekend, Twilight? Maybe we could share some tea and talk—"

No no. Sorry, Fluttershy. Busy. Busy with...

'You're going to be a really real princess soon, Twilight! How about—"

No parties. Too busy. Sorry. I would love to but—

"You should hang around your friends more, Twi. At least fly around with me. Let ponies see you out and about. Let them know you're still Twilight. They're not wanting the next Celestia, y'know. We already got that."

But they need someone as good as Celestia to protect them! What happens once you girls are gone? Or the time comes when I'm truly alone? I need to be strong, in all regards, to prepare for that! I need to be someone that can be weak and strong when they need to be! If I can't make it alone, I can't—

"I love you, Twilight."

Not now, Spike! I have more important things to...

Twilight hiccuped and stepped away from the portal, with a hoof pressed to her mouth, choking on tears already. She didn't try to hide them. Coughing and crying as her eyes did not close no matter how much they watered. Those voices of her friends. They weren't even from the future.

But the sayings of the past.

I was the one to leave them.. s-spending... all that time... to be ready without them... but not... spending the time they had... w-with... with them...

Twilight choked another sob as it was not the world that was horrible—but she who had made it so.

M-My strength? What is it? Where does it come from? The girls were the ones to make me stronger. Even when I'm the last in the fight—it's them that causes me to fight on. And how do I repay that when it counts most? How do I—"

Then she became more aware of the hoof on her lips.

Spike. Standing before the stove and making them dinner. Silly pink apron, him twisting, a toothy grin from over his shoulder. The two in bed. Him holding her. She snuggled against him. Brushing her mane. The jokes he could have made. The times he didn't. His wit came out when she was strong.

But his respect for her emerged when she was weak.

Twilight thought that was when she would be the most toyed with.

Yet it was then she was the most revered.

So much that chronicles of her life were lessons that most of the world knew and took wisdom from. The reason why they wanted her as a princess, not expecting a drastic transition from the mare they knew. All of that faded away, however, as the nation, her tiara, its importance, suddenly didn't matter.

"I love you, Twilight."

I...

"I love you, Twi."

I love...

"I love you."

I love you.

I love you, Spike.

I love you, Spikey.

Twilight broke out from her trance with a step back, not before looking at Celestia, who had been silent. There is a question needed to be asked or for help to be offered. But not before it was requested. "I love him. I love him, Celestia. But I never showed it as much as he did for me."

Celestia smiled. "It's easy to love being loved, Twilight, but much harder to love loving someone."

Twilight shook her head. "N-No. I love all that he does for me but... but... there was so much more I lost out on." She sighed and collapsed onto the floor. Curling into herself. Unable to cry as all her tears were gone. "To cling to his back as he walked. To toy with his earfin. To pepper his neck in kisses. But maybe... I'm more selfish than that."

Celestia's eyebrow rose, though her mouth did not.

"He loved me, every part of me, and that's... something I don't have to feel insecure about." Twilight's muzzle lifted from the carpet as, before her, the frozen sphere, shrunk. "That if I jumped into the shower and he saw me with my mane down that... it would blow him away. I like having that effect on him. Among... other things."

And now the princess was smirking. "How you've developed, dear."

Twilight actually found herself, even weakly, smirking back. "There were so many things I could do, with... me, being me, that would do so much for him." She rolled onto her side and then onto her back, a hoof set on her heart. "And he was the same way with me. Whenever he grinned. Or held me close. Or when I peeked when he had a shower and—"

Twilight giggled and kicked her legs like a little girl and couldn't stop the overwhelming blush that spread throughout her form. Celestia was giggling as well, forgoing comment, but happy to be in the warmth of someone else.

And then Twilight fell on her side. "But now he's gone. Gone for a while. And he might not even be the same dragon when he comes back." She sighed. "Or want anything to do with me. Even when I rejected him, he did everything he could for me. I gave him mixed signals. Wanted him to chase after me without giving him a clue to do so. I'm... a terrible mare. I—"

"You never got to experience what teenage romance is like," Celestia interrupted, "so you were forced to make your mistakes now. We think we're stronger than we were in looking to the past. No sense for regret when you can still reverse it."

Twilight's head shook. "He's gone, Celestia, and I'm the one who drove him away."

"What you did wasn't fair to the poor dragon," Celestia said as she looked at the shrinking spell. "Nobody can blame Spike when he stopped chasing after you." She glanced over her shoulder, and Twilight looked down her belly, both looking at the window, which was smacked on by cold winds. "But that doesn't mean you can't be the one to chase after him."

Twilight's eyes closed. "He wouldn't want that. I mean. He already has a place with Ember! Able to live with his own kind for a while! Finally, he won't be sucked out by me." Her head shook like a spoiled girl. "Able to focus on himself and what it's like to be a dragon. Seeing the world and how he interacts with it on the way there. I-I... I can't steal that from him! Just for him to focus on me again! That's selfish! T-True love.. would be letting him go..."

Celestia blew a long breath like a mother sitting next to her daughter on the same bed. Twilight was always like that to her. But she never got to experience helping her through drama-antics that came from romance. "True love, Twilight Sparkle, is allowing him to make the choice."

Twilight whimpered. "I kissed him before he left. On the lips."

"And so?"

"So he still left! He knew what that meant... even if I didn't say anything! And it's still not fair to him!" Twilight rolled and rocked in place and hating that she still felt like such a child. All this time and talks of being strong and powerful. All to be a filly again before her mentor. "All those plans. Already saying goodbye. To do all that—to come back so soon after? Or to deny him something if he... finds better freedom over there."

Celestia nodded as she stood. Walking over to the window, she opened it, letting the cold air in. The princess did not shiver—but that filly did. And the older one envied the younger one for that. She glanced back at her student once more. "Indeed, none of this is fair to him. You should have made this choice before he went away. Yet wisdom comes not in the midst of a mistake but in the realization afterward."

Twilight whimpered some more.

And Celestia, coming to her side, dropped, and hugged the younger mare. Twilight allowed herself to be picked up as she sunk into her teacher's chest. The warmth it still provided despite the coldness behind it. "None of this is fair to Spike. But you must ask him if he even cares about such things. You must give him that choice."

Celestia hugged her daughter close, stroking her mane, rubbing her back, and letting herself also break. "It's because you, Twilight that, once you take over, this spell can finally be removed from Luna and me. But please. Please don't sacrifice all that makes you, you, to take it over."

And then Celestia silently cried. "I shouldn't intervene. Shouldn't tell you what to do. Allow you to find the truth for yourself." Her head shook at that logic. "But chase after him, Twilight. Let him know it all. Your every desperation. Your every love and fear of him. Don't hide anything. Allow him to know it all so he may make a better choice."

Her forehooves tightened around the girl. "Throw yourself at him and spill your every secret. Let him know how much you loved him all along. Be willing to have your heartbroken. To let him leave for however long he wishes. To have that freedom, in rejection, to know he always has you as a friend."

Twilight returned the hug.

"Tell him you love him," Celestia said, "and see if he loves you back."

Author's Note

And we're nearing the end! It seems like our purple pal has finally fucked off and our favourite princess is... attempting to deal with that. It's weird to be writing about this story so long after I wrote it.

There's not much to talk about after the fact. The story isn't as fresh when you write about it a month after it's original composition. Maybe, writing these notes after I finish writing the chapter is worthwhile. I'll try that with the next story.

Anywho. This story should wrap up in a few more chapters.

Catch you then!
~ Yr. Pal, B