Snickers: On the Road

Snickers yawned and stretched only to feel forehooves hug him tightly. He opened his eyes and saw pink fur everywhere. “Morning, honey,” Diamond whispered. “You fell asleep on me last night,” she giggled.

Snickers lifted his head to look at Diamond, then gave her a kiss. “Morning, you’re really comfy,” he said.

Diamond giggled again and hugged him closer. “Your mane needs a brushing, can I brush it today?” Diamond asked.

“Sure, that’d be nice. Where’s Silver Spoon?” Snickers asked as he looked around the room.

“She went to pee, like, a minute ago. Did she wake you up?”

“Nah, I don’t think so. It’s early, so we should get ready to leave Seldem. We’ve got a few days of travel ahead of us before Frand.” Snickers said as he sat up and rubbed at his eyes.

“Ugh, I don’t wanna walk anymore,” Diamond whined. “Can’t we just get a ride to Frand?”

Snickers thought it over and smirked. “You know what? I don’t see why not. It seems bits are worth a lot more than local currency… unless you want a different kind of ride.”

Diamond rolled her eyes. ”We’ve ridden you more than you’ve ridden us, technically.”

Snickers leaned in for a kiss. “You’re more flexible than I thought you were.”

Diamond hummed. “Are you complaining?”

Snickers shook his head, his mind jumping between thoughts. “Nope. What I am wondering is how much different bits are to local money.”

Diamond’s ears perked up and she quickly turned to the side table. She pulled a notepad covered with writing and numbers on it to her chest before sitting up with a grin. “Okay, so, like, I did some asking around and Lorde’s money is legit everywhere. He’s a lord across the area and literally prints his own bits, er, coins!

“Each coin is worth a fraction of what an Equestrian bit is, so by the math I used, thanks to daddy, I figure we can ride to Frand in style! Look,” she turned the page and tapped her hoof to a drawing of several wagons, “we can hire a full caravan to take us, and Trixie, to Frand in five days!

“We’re talking a food wagon, guards, a sleeping wagon just for us and one for the others,” she grinned at Snickers. “Can you guess how much this’ll all cost?”

Snickers looked at the images and worried. “A hundred bits?”

Diamond laughed loudly. “You’re thinking like an Equestrian! This is only gonna cost us two bits… two bits! We overpaid at the inn when they asked for coins and I just paid without asking. Snickers, we’re rich here! And thanks to my bottomless bag, I’ve got a thousand bits or so to work with, not including what you and everypony else brought.”

She tapped her hooves together and grinned wickedly. “We could buy our own town and make it into whatever we want. I could open the first Barnyard Bargains in the Undiscovered West and start my daddy’s business across this whole land. He’ll be so proud of me,” she beamed a smile at Snickers.

Snickers was silent, thinking of what he was being told. “I think we should start smaller, Diamond. Let’s start with a wagon to Frand, maybe a couple guards, and then go from there. I think we’d be painting a target on our flanks if we suddenly showed all our bits and started a multinational corporation, right?”

Diamond deflated, then after a few seconds nodded. “Yeah, it would be kinda dangerous to show all our money at once. Maybe we can start small and open an outlet of Barnyard Bargains in Frand?”

Snickers shook his head. “How do you know there isn’t already something like that established there? We have to spend some time out here to learn the land before we go changing everything. You’re a year older than me, you should think about the future more than I do.”

The door opened and Silver walked in, closing it behind her with a sigh. “I almost didn’t make it, there was a line and some stallion with a tie wouldn’t let me cut. What a jerk… oh, good morning, sweetie,” she said as she reached the bed and hopped up. “I see Diamond’s going over her plan to take over the world with our bits?”

“I’m not trying to take over the world, I just want to help daddy sell some stuff. And, before you ask, no, he didn’t like the caravan idea,” Diamond said, tapping the drawing again.

“What?! Why not? We can travel like royalty and save our hooves the trouble. You complain about your hooves and mane almost as much as me and Diamond combined!” Silver shouted.

“Because, Silvie,” Diamond said, “he made a good point; that we’d be asking for trouble throwing around our bits like that. Like that stallion that was robbed in Manehattan that time, remember?”

Silver nodded. “It was on the front page of the paper, that stuff never happens! Oh my gosh, that could have totally been us!”

Diamond dropped the notepad and moved to face her herd sister. “I know! They wouldn’t have even known about it back in Equestria, either.”

“We should start with a way to send messages back and forth before we start buying land, Silver,” Diamond said.

Silver nodded. “Like, totally. And then we have to get a good lawyer team to keep us safe legally, and a bodyguard to keep us safe from ponies that mean bad news.”

Both fillies bumped forehooves. “We’re so smart, right, Snickers?” Diamond asked with a knowing grin.

“Yeah, totally smart,” he said, unsure of what else he could, or should, say at the moment.

Diamond clapped her forehooves happily. “We’re all up, so let’s buy a wagon-”

“Rent,” Snickers interjected.

“Right, rent a wagon to get us to Frand. I’ll check it over and make sure it’s big enough for all of us, and I think Trixie pulling it would be a better choice than hiring a puller, don’t you, Snickers?” Diamond asked.

Snickers shrugged. “If she can even pull it. There’s several of us, plus the guards we’re gonna hire, what if we’re biting off more than we can chew? I don’t wanna be a wet blanket, but there’s a lot of little things we aren’t thinking about because we’re only foals. We should probably ask an adult for advice on this.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me, right, Silvie?” Diamond asked. Silver nodded again. “Great, so… wanna do anything before we leave?” She asked, seductively lowering her eyelids at Snickers.

“No, but if you really wanna do something; that thing Silver Spoon taught me would be a good start, I think.” Snickers offered, glancing at the grey filly.

Silver cocked her head, then broke into a huge grin when Snickers wiggled his tongue at her. “Oh, yeah, I totally loved that one! Diamond, you can do it to me while he does it to you!”

…

Just outside of town the herd met with a salespony to rent a wagon, only to have Diamond take charge.

“Welcome to Wagon’s Wagon’s, I’m Wagon, how can I help you fine foals today?”

“We’re looking for a wagon that’ll fit six and a couple guards to get us to Frand over the next week. What can you show us that’ll do the job?” Diamond asked as she looked up at the stallion with her best business voice.

Wagon looked down at her, then around the area, then leaned down to get more on her level. “Aren’t you cute? Where’s your mommy so I can do real business with somepony?”

Diamond didn’t budge. “We’re on an adventure and didn’t bring our parents, but we have money to rent a wagon and some guards. Can you show us a wagon that will fit our group?”

Wagon stood up again and looked at the two fillies with a colt. He sniffed the air and then smiled. “Welcome, welcome! A fine family you are and a fine wagon you’ll have to get you to Frand,” he gestured at a wagon on his lot, “and nothing says traveling in style like this bad girl. She’s got new wheels and a harness that won’t chafe.

“Enchanted to weigh half as much as a normal wagon, this baby will pull two tons of cargo or a small herd with ease. Would you like to rent the puller, too, by the way?”

“I don’t think so, we’re traveling with a mare that should be able to do the job. Can we see inside before we talk more about renting it?”

“Why, of course! Renting or buying sight unseen is something you clearly aren’t going to do.” Wagon said and moved to the rear of the wagon, pulling the handle with his forehoof to open the door. “Voila, a space large enough for you to travel with supplies and friends! There’s places for hammocks or even two mattresses for your group.

“The lights are controlled here and can brightenup to ten candles worth of light, there’s a water gem in the back there that can be recharged once you get to Frand supplying about a week’s worth of water for the five this is designed to carry. There are streams and creeks along the way, too, though, so you don’t have to worry about running out of water as long as you don’t mind roughing it a little.

“The wagon’s insulated pretty well, too. There isn’t even a chance of catching a cold in this baby in the middle of a winter storm,” he said patting a wall panel while the foals looked around the space.

“How much are you looking to rent this for?” Diamond asked.

Wagon looked around the room for a few seconds. “One hundred coins to get you to Frand, plus additional fees for any damages you incur on your trip there. This is one of the best I have to offer, so if it’s not cleaned and polished like it is now, it’ll cost a few coins to get it back to this state when you deliver it to the depot there.

“That includes two unicorn guards, too. I’m not going to send a wagon this lovely into the woods without protection.”

Diamond nodded. “I agree, but let’s put a tac in this one and look at a couple others before we sign a deal. What if there’s a better one than this for our trip?”

Wagon smiled. “You’re a smart young mare, and I respect that. Come, let’s look at the next wagon, everypony.”

…

“The Great and Powerful Trixie will pull the wagon,” Trixie said as she looked at the wagon they’d rented, “if only to have such a lovely thing behind her on the trail. This is a beautiful wagon worth its weight in bits, back home. And two strapping guards to watch over Trixie in the dead of night?” She smirked at the stallions as they looked under the wagon. “With such great flanks? Diamond Tiara, you are to be commended.”

Diamond huffed. “I didn’t rent this so you could have sex with the help, we need to get to Frand and I’m tired of walking like some common traveler, we all are.”

Trixie laughed. “You are a common traveling pony, silly filly. It’s cute how naive you are about the world at large, and yourself,” she finished with a poke into Diamond’s sternum. “Wanting a family before you even know what side of your pillow is most comfortable is the sign of a desperate filly.”

Diamond slapped Trixie’s foreleg away. “Worry about yourself and stop trying to fuck the guards,” she hissed. “We’re packing up and making one last run through the market before we leave. Laxxie’s taking the scenic route because she isn’t comfortable being on a wagon or in a town, yet. If you have any complaints, keep them to yourself.”

Trixie quietly laughed. “You have no say over what Trixie says, does, or plans to do. Remember that you’re ten years Trixie’s junior and she has every right to leave you and your wagon behind if you cross her, unless you think you can pull a wagon that size by yourself.”

Diamond grit her teeth. “Fine, do what you want, but unless you wanna pay bits from your own purse to get a driver, you’re gonna pull the wagon.”

Trixie turned abruptly, slapping Diamond with her tail as she trotted to the front of the wagon. “Prepare yourselves and climb aboard; the wagon is about to set sail!”

The group gathered into the wagon and found places to rest as Trixie hitched herself up. “So, do you think this was a good waste of bits?” Gil asked Diamond.

“It only cost two bits, actually.” Diamond looked smugly at the surprised gryphon. “A bit is worth almost seventy local coins, plus we got the best caravanner guards with the best weapons for the extra change. I wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to travel safely all the way to Frand, after all.”

Gil snapped his beak shut and looked admirably at the filly. “You’re pretty good with bits… maybe you’re not all useless ponies.”

Cress shoved Gil with a forehoof. “You’re one to talk. What have you even done besides follow us since we left Canterlot Palace?”

“Let’s see,” Gil lifted a closed talon and began counting off, “scouted ahead, fished for you, attacked a bandit duo that were waiting for you to cross them; not that they would’ve posed a danger anyway, kept you and Kiwe company… I’ve done plenty that you don’t even account for.”

“Wait, what was that about bandits?!” Cress asked.

“Two mares with hatchets that were lying ahead of you on the path. I buzzed them and bit at them, scaring them off before you even knew about it. If you spent less time trying to get Kiwe to mount you, you’d have noticed the threats on the road.” Gil concluded.

Cress sat up and hoof slapped Gil. “I’m not trying to get Kiwe to have sex with me!”

Gil rubbed his beak. “Could’a fooled me with how much you two talk and whisper around me. All I know is that you ponies have sex too much, look at these three! They smell like sex right now, even.”

The herd blushed individually. “We just like how it feels, is that so wrong?” Silver asked.

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Cress stated. “We’re sexual beings and can do what we want, as long as we understand the consequences.”

Gil huffed and held the egg closer to his body. “I’m fine until I get back home, thank you. I’m not into mares, anyway.”

Cress inwardly admired the care Gil gave the egg, but outwardly she scoffed. “You won’t even get laid then, don’t get your hopes up.”

Kiwe’s golden magic lit the room as he brought a towel between the two. “Take a moment to gather yourselves, you are acting like yearlings in a bath fighting over a toy.”

Diamond and Silver tittered. “Oh, called out by a zony,” Silver said.

“Cress and Gil, sitting in a tree--” Diamond started to sing before the towel was thrown into her face by Gil. She laughed with Silver and Snickers. “Sounds like some creatures have a rough love life, right, Silver Spoon?”

Silver giggled into her fetlock. “You’re right, Diamond Tiara. I think that they need the room to themselves for a couple minutes to work off their frustrations.”

“Now, now, girls,” Snickers interceded, “don’t make the cock mad or he’ll swing something hard at us.”

Gil’s blood boiled and he flared his wings, knocking over several dishes that were secured to shatter on the floor. Cress tumbled to the floor, too. He bared his talons and roared loudly as a lion could. “I am not a cock!”

Cress picked herself from the floor and blushed at the imposing sight of the huge gryphon looming over her. Any comment she had died in her throat as he glanced down at her. His avian eyes bore into the deepest parts of her instinct to run and cower while her evolved mind told her to stay and fight.

Cress trembled for the first time in years from fear and awe, then a goofy grin crept onto her face as his attention redirected to the herd across from them.

The cart stopped suddenly with a lurch causing Gil to falter and fall onto his furry haunches. A few seconds later the back door opened and Trixie stood in the doorway with two armed guards behind her. “It has been less than five minutes we’ve been traveling! If you’re going to behave like foals, you’ll be treated as foals! You three, out!”

Snickers, Diamond, and Silver Spoon balked at the mare. “Why us? We didn’t do anything, it was Gil that roared and broke stuff!”

“Trixie does not want to hear it! Leave the wagon at once and the guards will work a rotation for you to go in while the others leave. If more of this nonsense continues, Trixie will strap one of you to the harness and you can pull her! Now, out!”

The foals slipped from their spots while Gil waved them goodbye. Trixie caught his action and glared at him. “As for you three…” she started and went in, slamming the door behind her as Snickers left the wagon. His ears twitched at the sounds of bird calls and various insects clicking or chirping.

“Well, this sucks,” Snickers stated as he felt the gravel under his hooves.

“We paid to not have to walk, and now we’re walking!” Diamond shouted at one of the guards.

The guard looked down at the pink filly. “Ma’am, you should just listen to your guardian and--”

“She’s not anypony’s guardian, she’s just some mare we’re following! I can’t believe this, it’s a travesty! I spent almost two hundred coins to travel in style, and I’m walking like a commoner still,” Diamond stomped the ground petulantly in a large arc until Silver rushed in to give her a hug.

“Di, it’s okay, we’ll make her pay for our poni-pedi when we get to Frand, okay?” Silver tried.

“No! It’s not okay, Silver Spoon,” Diamond pulled back with tears brimming in her eyes. “If we marry Snickers, we’re legit royalty, Silver Spoon. I’ll be a Princess by every right. I shouldn’t have to walk everywhere still like some unimportant pony across a bajillion miles of rough unpaved roads. That’s not how princesses are treated.”

Silver pulled Diamond into a hug again. “It’s fine, don’t you think Princess Celestia gets tired of walking sometimes? Besides, our prince is right here walking with us and he won’t leave us alone.”

Snickers was nervously shaking his head as the guards looked at him pointedly, unsure if he was royalty or just some colt. “Girls… can we stop talking about certain things in front of creatures that don’t need to know certain things?”

Both fillies stopped talking and looked at Snickers, then to the guards. “Oh, uh…” Diamond sniffled as she stepped from Silver, “just playing house.”

Silver nodded. “Yeah, like, he’s the daddy and stuff. Er, prince, and we’re the ladies. It’s a different kinda house game, it’s called… uh…”

“Royal Tree!” Diamond cut in. “Yeah, it’s all about pretending to be a part of the royal family tree.”

Snickers lowered and shook his head as the guards disregarded the fillies. “Sir, keep your fillies in line, okay?”

Both fillies gasped in shock. Snickers nodded. “Sure thing,” he then gave a mock salute.

“Excuse me?” Both fillies said, indignantly. The guards returned their attention to the closed door and the shouting Trixie was making. The door handle glowed blue and opened letting Trixie out. It slammed once she was clear again and with a final glare at the foals as she passed them, she hitched up again and began pulling the wagon in silence with guards at the side of the wagon and three foals at the rear.