Once upon a time, there was a man named Robert. Robert was not special. Robert was just like everyone else. He woke up, got dressed, brushed his teeth with extra-strength toothpaste, flossed until his gums bled and the dentists dabbed, and ate breakfast.
He did other normal human being things too, but that's not all that important.
Actually, you know what? It is important. Robert was an enjoyer of My Little Pony. Not just a fan, mind you; he was above such smooth-brain matters.
We begin our story with you. You are reading this story. This story is about Robert. Robert is a human being, like you and me. Maybe that shadow lurking in your bathroom, too, but I wouldn't know.
Robert is currently thinking of ponies. He is thinking about Twilight Sparkle. Robert thinks Twilight Sparkle is best pony. With that one sentence, Robert now has an angry mob at his doorstep.
"Jeff Jeffery Jefferson!" Robert called in a rather calming voice. "Jeff J. Jeff, would you mind answering the door for me?"
Jeff opened the door and proceeded to be flattened. Press F for Jeff.
As for Robert, he didn't mind the angry mob. His... superior intellect placed him far above the people screeching around him. In fact, his comprehension of language is so beyond what can be considered "normal" that what you and I hear as conversation, Robert hears as mere noise.
Now, you may ask, where do the ponies come in? When do the ponies come in?
Patience, dear reader. Robert shall bless us with ponies in due time.
That time being now, I mean.
Twilight Sparkle was having a good day. The sun was shining, there was a nice breeze in the air, and she'd set aside some time to slap the Cozy Glow statue in the face for the thirtieth day in a row. This was a new record.
The ground began to rumble. The sky turned dark, because of course it does. How else does a sleep-deprived college boi foreshadow doom and gloom?
Slowly, the sky began to turn even darker than before. A slow, bellowing laugh echoed through the air as Robert began to leak into the universe.
"Wh--" Twilight lit her horn. "What's going on?"
"PONIES." Robert's voice boomed as his face materialized in the sky. "KNEEL BEFORE ME, FOR I AM YOUR NEW RULER FOR ALL OF ETERNITY."
Twilight hardly raised a brow.
"FOOL." Robert boomed again. "YOU PUNY PONIES NEED TO LEARN SOME RESPECT. BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE BEST PONY, YOU SHALL BE SPARED FOR NOW."
Twilight chucked a book at Robert's disembodied face in the clouds. Naturally, with him being a nonmaterial being that has taken possession of this entire story universe's Equestria, the book hit him smack in the face.
Twilight proceeded to be smited.
"Another god?" Discord made eye contact with Robert. "My, it's getting crowded in here, isn't it, boys?"
The crowd of Discords applauded.
Man, I need to get some sleep.
"You're approaching me?" Robert turned his full attention to Discord. "Instead of running away from me, the new Elder God of all Equestria, you're coming right to me?"
Discord rolled up the cuffs of his nonexistent sleeves. "I can't beat the sh
t out of you without getting closer. Scaring ponies is my job!"
The thoroughly-incinerated Twilight Sparkle watched the two bicker. At some point, Celestia joined in as well.
"Don't think you're staying out of this, Celly," Discord reached down and plucked the alicorn off of the ground. "Now then, we have you outnumbered two-to-one!"
Robert yawned. Discord ceased to exist. Robert always found Discord to be rather annoying. Also, Celestia is now wearing a maid outfit.
But Robert's power-fantasy was only beginning. He was no mere human in Equestria. No, he had Equestria in him. All that exists in the land of Equestria amounts merely to figments of some dude's imagination.
Flim and Flam arrived on-scene to deliver their usual mid-story advertisement, but they also promptly ceased to exist.
Robert materialized himself a new body on the ground. He walked over to Twilight; the mare he had on posters plastering his room, the mare he dreamt of each and every night, the mare that--
"O-okay, just gonna butt into this here weirdness for a moment--" Butter Knife, the Black and Red alicorn with five dead parents that draws her power from the soul locket they are stored within that hangs around her neck, tore a hole in the fabric of reality. Aka Robert's shirt pocket. "Hey, Bobert! Stop being creepy with the ponies!"
Butter Knife was promptly yeeted back into her own multiverse by Robert. She was the only one with enough cringe energy™ to defeat him. He had to keep her at distance.
Not that Edgy mcEdgington really cared, anyway. She pretends to be heartless to look more edgy.
Robert sealed the hole in his shirtpocket. After all, having a hole in the place where he keeps his mayonnaise packets was a big no-no.
You know what else is a big no-no?
Flim and Flam cartwheeled into the scene, but were promptly banished into the middle of the sun by Robert. Weren't they already erased from existence earlier?
Robert grunted. No matter; if they came back, he could simply erase them again. As for the rest of his new toys...
Celestia's body locked up into pre-defined poses. She had become an "action figure".
This is the part where the author once again reevaluates his life choices.
Y'know, for a freshly-minted god, Robert really hasn't done much, has he?
Equestria promptly had its name changed to Robertland, Robert's Land of Ponies. Twilight Sparkle became a generic neko girl with magical powers, who accompanied her maid teacher Celestia in a quest to defeat the evil Flash Sentry, known by all (but mostly Robert) to be the ultimate waifu stealer.
And with the power of Robert and anime on her side, Twilight Sparkle will ultimately prevail and defeat the Waifu Stealer! She will shower her patron deity, Robert, with love and adoration for the rest of her time, and he shall be praised forever onward as the one true god of Equestria. Heretics shall be yeeted into a black hole.
Dangit, Robert. This is why we can't have nice things.
Author's Note
end me.
