A Pie by any Other Name

On the truth and the ultimate disappointment. Hang ups about hook ups. A matter of minutes. A reluctant acceptance completely denied.

It is and - to some degree - always has been of immense interest and equally gigantic disinterest to the public the generalities of the love lives of public figures. Some find the love and kinship of those openly visible to be so enthralling that they can scarcely talk about anything else. Others - some of whom are also part of the first group by means of a substantial amount of cognitive dissonance - find it utterly dull and of no interest to them.

Both of these groups, at various inconvenient moments throughout time, would find themselves - by means of some unknown mechanism - to occasionally talk about the subject together that one half absolutely adores so much they can hardly fathom talking about anything else while the other half detests it so much that they somehow know more about it than the first half.

Both of these groups, therefore, would find the love life of one Twilight Sparkle to be a topic of immense interest - and in fact it had become the subject of much debate and controversy. Many fictions had been spun and would be spun in the years to come about the mare who seemed most at home behind closed doors. Some said that she was a whore in secret, disguising herself as somepony else by application of magics which were well within her range of abilities and then selling herself on a street corner whenever the opportunity arose.

Another popular theory is that she kept a harem consisting of most of Ponyville and its environs - with tendrils of her perverted sex cult touching each and every settlement, village, town, and city she had set hoof in; in addition to some she hadn't even heard of. Others said it was just the Elements, Starlight, Trixie, and the lucky few who she had picked up in Canterlot before she had moved to Ponyville to diversify her collection away from the upper crust.

One tabloid ran the story that an anonymous source had confided in their most reputable of organizations the story that Twilight, in fact, was Celestia's personal slut who came at the older mare's beck and call - and in more than one way. It went on to say that Luna had gotten in on the action shortly thereafter and that she had slowly gained as much influence over the whorish mare as her older sister.

Of course, said anonymous source was an aggregation of information gathered from a variety of drunkards who had nodded along to a reporter asking leading questions with an admixture of bathroom graffiti of varying anatomical exactness - but the font of information rarely mattered when it came to publishing such wonderfully slanderous pieces that rarely found themselves exiting the gravitational influence of gossip circles.

With all these theories that were discussed behind the princess' back, the truth - it was guessed - was something much much saucier. Something truly depraved that would break the entire nation and the international community if it came out into the light of day - especially as most of the theories eventually implicated foreign dignitaries, rulers, and random bystanders.

It was, therefore, possibly the greatest let down of all the ages* that Twilight, the mare that she was, had no such skeletons in her closet and that - in actual fact - she was a virgin in more than one way. Twilight, in fact, was part of the segment of the population that found it hard to think of herself - or any other pony for that matter - in anything approaching a sexual situation. What made it all the worse for these rumors was that Twilight also counted kissing, snuggling, most sorts of touching, and even certain kinds of looks as 'sexual situations.'
*The previous title holder for the greatest disappointment provided by the truth was the truth behind the rumor that Luna's 'olde timey' sensibilities essentially made it so she would swoop down at random to fuck a pony in order to claim 'prima nocta'. The truth for that one was that Luna was and is actually asexual and so extremely unlikely to do anything of the sort.

If one was to consider this with a critical eye, it made perfect sense - the worst sort for rumor mills. Twilight had, before her introduction to the ponies who would later be known as the Elements of Harmony - and later the Council of Friendship - she had no interest in friendship. It had been speculated - and for once to a degree of accuracy that was above zero - that she had a particular mental condition that was uncommon in ponies that made making friends a matter of great difficulty.

However, despite this being the truth - and so squashing any hope for the Canterlot Harem theory - Twilight did begin to find out certain things about the magic of friendship - and, eventually, love. Namely who was the object of hers.

Twilight, of course, had been told what love was and how to pick it out of a lineup of emotions on an intellectual level - it just so happened that understanding love on anything that wasn't an emotional level was a folly on par with understanding a game of golf as a sort of expressionistic artform.

This being the case - and in consideration of her circumstances - it is easy to see why she didn't immediately profess her love when she had figured out what she was feeling was actually love. "Who?" You might ask. Why, the first pony she met in Ponyville.

Despite all evidence to the contrary - and any number of personality tests that would profess their utter lack of chemistry together - Twilight found herself irrevocably attracted to Pinkie Pie. It was an odd state of affairs for the bookworm, and caused her no end of anxiety.

Learning friendship was one thing - a rather difficult thing for Twilight - but learning love? Understandably, things got quite a bit complicated. Most ponies would've, at some tactful point, mentioned their fondness for the pony that they loved. Twilight, however, did not feel so inclined. It just didn't feel right for her.

Time passed on, and Twilight slowly built up her courage to tell Pinkie her feelings. She stewed at night about how she'd tell Pinkie and what she might do in any number of contingencies - including complete rejection, partial rejection, a quantum state of quasi-denial and pseudo-acceptance , and the complicated network of utter social ostracization in which Twilight would be forced to live under a rock in the middle of the Badlands.

Whilst drawing up schemes for irrigating the land around her rock, Twilight also considered the slim possibility of acceptance. What would she do if Pinkie Pie said the feelings were mutual and that she also loved Twilight since that first day? It felt impossible and utterly insane, but - knowing Pinkie as she did - there was an outside chance that it would happen.

The day came when Twilight felt confident, and so marched up to Pinkie to tell her the truth about her secret love. She marched up to Sugar Cube Corner, opened the door, stepped inside, drew in a breath to make her announcement, and then stopped.

Twilight's heart fell as she saw Pinkie and Cheese Sandwich hugging with Pinkie shedding what were apparently tears of joy. Twilight had failed. Pinkie was now a taken mare, to be given in marriage to Cheese Sandwich. Her heart broke. It was abundantly clear that she had missed her one and only opportunity.

It was all she could do to not break down in sobs while Pinkie and Cheese explained. It hurt her on a level she hadn't expected. It was all so much to take in. Twilight, being the mare she was and is, kept a stiff upper lip, and congratulated the new couple.

She didn't have the heart to say that they shouldn't be together - to interpose her will on Pinkie and say that she loved the mare. She couldn't just walk up and tell Pinkie that she loved her now - she was engaged! It was now all too little and far too late.

Worse yet, Twilight knew that 'far too late' had been just a matter of minutes.

The wedding was worse, having to watch as Pinkie was married off and taken by a pony that Twilight otherwise liked. Her enjoyment of Cheese Sandwich would, however, find itself greatly diminished after that day. Twilight desperately wanted to be happy for them, to be alright with the situation that had come about. She wanted to congratulate them and earnestly wish them a happy future. She wanted to be a good friend.

When she told them that she wished them a long life together as they left the ceremony, Twilight knew that she was faking it. When she said they were tears of joy, she knew she was lying. When she later told Spike that she was deep in study and just wanted to be left to her books, she knew she was just trying to block out the pain.

No books would help her, and no distraction could save her from her thoughts. Her pain permeated her being, leaving her in the dust where she crumbled away. She wanted to move on and forget, to let the newly weds have a great time together, but in the end it just wouldn't work. No matter what she did, she couldn't fix her broken heart.