A Pie by any Other Name

Soup and cake. A panic without a discotheque. Lil' Cheese calls for breakfast. A good cry into the fluff. Botany! The accident involving apples. The truth that does more than disappoint. Hell hath no fury. A word to the unwise. Returning the favor.

Twilight murmured to herself as she rolled over in her bed. She smiled to herself, wrapping a leg around Pinkie's warm form as she exited the soup of sleep and slowly cut into the bitter cake of wakefulness. That was a good sentence, she thought blearily. 'The soup of sleep' had the sort of... sluggish feel that she felt appropriate for the land of dreams and the like while describing wakefulness as a bitter cake was both unique enough for the purpose while conveying its meaning crisply.

It was sentences like those that she could only depend on her half-awake brain to develop.

She slowly mulled that sentence, an absent minded quill scratching it down on a stray piece of paper, only to stop partway through to reexamine the rest of the sentence that had struck her brain like an egg hitting a slowly heating skillet.

Taking a heavy chomp out of that cake, Twilight shot bolt upright and looked at Pinkie beside her. Her head swiveled to the clock on the far wall and then the window to confirm. Her heart thudded in her chest as she panicked more and more - a part of her nodding in appreciation at the proper application of natural panic.

It was the morning, she had somehow taken Pinkie away and had held her into the morning and all the while had left Pinkie as a statue-like puppet. That part was, much to Twilight chagrin, becoming less and less unconscionable, but the part that struck at her heart was the thought of a little filly being left alone without her mother.

She flopped her way out of her bed, smacking her face hard against the floor as she got caught up in the sheets and failed to escape before the critical moment of impact. Groaning against the floor but for a short moment, she flailed about and got to her hooves, only to stop even as she lit her horn to awaken Pinkie from her trance.

From somewhere in the castle she could hear the sounds of a small laugh - a laugh that usually wasn't there that made her heart soar in hope and confusion. Leaving Pinkie as she was, Twilight moved her way out the door of her bedroom and walked out into the halls, following her swiveling ears as she closed in on the sound of voices.

Minutes of walking slowly through her castle, she arrived at the kitchen door. Light poured out from under the door. Pushing it open she locked up at the sight that met her.

In the kitchen was Rarity, laughing in her wonderful way, a glob of some batter on her muzzle that matched the glob of batter that clung to Lil' Cheese's hoof. Needless to say that Lil' Cheese was laughing her heart out as well - it was rare to see her doing otherwise.

The sight released such a pressure that had taken a vice like grip on Twilight's heart that she felt her heart might burst from rapid expansion.

Rarity turned to Twilight, giving her a nod and a kiss at the air. It was as if to say 'I have you, Darling. No need to worry now.' It both set Twilight free of worry while inspiring a new one to grow. Particularly: what was Rarity's game?

At the moment it looked like it was 'who can get more batter on the other.'

Lil' Cheese was winning.

“Go back to bed, Twilight Dear, Little Cheesy and I want to surprise the two of you with breakfast in bed.” Rarity said with her little smile.

“Bwefiss!” Lil' Cheese burbled joyfully, throwing her hooves - and more batter - up in the air. Twilight found it impossible to deny such a display, and simply gave a nod before returning to her room while thinking what she'd do to make sure this didn't all just blow up in her face.

Sitting down on her bed a short moment later, she thought over her options - still completely unsure what to do. She was having a hard time reconciling how or why Pinkie would stay at the castle the entire night and end up sleeping in the same bed. She wasn't even sure if what Pinkie had had counted as sleep.

That thought brought a spark of inspiration to Twilight, an ingenious spark catching on the kindling of her mind.

A few adjustments to Pinkie's pliable mind later and Twilight felt confident that she had a good cover story to work off of. It wasn't stellar and likely wouldn't hold up under any sort of scrutiny, but it was about the only good idea she could come up with on short notice.

Pinkie stretched out as she returned to her normal self, smacking her lips happily as she entered the world of the waking.

And then she was fully awake and bouncing on the bed happily. “That was a fun slumber party!” Pinkie chirped as she bounded up and down on Twilight's plush bed. It did Twilight's heart good to see the mare in such high spirits, especially after the near explosion earlier.

“Y-yes, thanks for agreeing to it!” Twilight fumbled, unsure of herself but sure she needed to sell the story she had constructed for Pinkie to believe. “I think Rarity and Lil' Cheese will be up shortly. They want to surprise us.”

“Ooh, I can't wait to be surprised!” Pinkie said, settling down to simply bounce up and down on the mattress without actually leaving its surface. The mare was just an inexhaustible ball of energy. Twilight doubted if missing a night of sleep would even end up slowing her down - especially since it certainly seemed like the mare had had to skip due to the spell's influence and still acted like this.

“Did you rest well?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah! Slept like a snug bug it a woolen shrug wrapped in a rug!”

“In a hole it dug?”

“Ooh, I'll have to add that to the list!” Pinkie said, her exuberance unrelenting in the face of any opposition as she giggled at the silliness that was life. Her positive attitude was so infectious that Twilight couldn't help but giggle along with the mare despite herself.

Then again, perhaps an honest appraisal of the situation would be that her life was on the up and up. She had Pinkie - to an point - and got to enjoy the mare as she desired. She'd have to learn to restrain herself to a certain extent - she couldn't depend on Rarity's generosity with the mare having to jump between store locations.

Frankly it was a miracle that the fashionista had had time enough to spare to pull off the game saving play she had.

“I'm glad you're doing better.” Pinkie said with a sincere smile - not as though she knew any other types. The words caught Twilight off guard, who simply stared at the mare with her minorly wilting smile slipping from her own lips.

“What?” Twilight asked lamely, trying to decipher what Pinkie had said.

“Silly Twilight, you've been down since you got in town. Don't think that I don't remember having to make you smile earlier.” Pinkie said with the lecture qualities of a foalsitter who would still be giving the kids who tore up the house a double scoop of ice cream before bed. “You just keep on getting yourself in the dumps, but I'm glad to see you're coming up for air now and then. You need to be happy!”

Twilight sighed, nodding to herself with the haggard remains of her smile still clinging to her lips for dear life. “I suppose.” Twilight said noncommittally.

“I know so! Come on, Twilight, why aren't you happy?” Pinkie asked, scooting that much closer. Twilight, without thinking, turned Pinkie off and hugged the mare deeply in her blank state.

“Because I love you!” She wailed into Pinkie's shoulder, her emotional state deteriorating in the blink of an eye. “I want to be with you! I want to be yours and you to be mine! I love you, Pinkie, but you love somepony else and I can hurt you by making you leave them!” She pulled back, tears running down her cheeks as she looked over Pinkie gorgeous, frozen features.

“You can't understand because I can't let you know.” She said in a whisper, her eyes flicking over the face of beauty before her. “I can't let you know, Pinkie, because I know what you'd do. I know you'd be flattered at best and then move on like nothing happened, but I can't! I can't move past it, Pinkie!”

Twilight buried her face once more in the fluff of Pinkie's chest, letting her tears flow freely to relieve at least some small part of her sorrow. She knew that this sort of treatment of her friend and of her own issues was by no means healthy - if she had a therapist she was sure they'd tell her so and more.

But she didn't have a therapist, and if she did she'd get real good at ignoring them in a very short amount of time.

So she continued to cry into Pinkie, wrapping her hooves around the mare as she did. She wanted to be happy, but so much held that happiness away from her. She wished she could just pluck happiness from the world like a ripe tomato from the vine, but instead she found herself only able to pick the deathly nightshade of bitter despair and drowning sorrow*. Life could be so unfair, and Twilight seemed unable to get anything but the short straw in life.
*Had Twilight thought on that sentence at the time, there might've been gleaned a new hope in its interesting choice of metaphors. If you are not sure why, consult a botanist. They're dying for you to talk to them - they get very lonely.

Whether moments had been seconds or minutes, the moment passed and Twilight pulled away from Pinkie, gathering herself together as best she could between sniffles and snuffles. A few deep breaths, uses of a hankie, and a tactful employment of a towel on the damp chest found Twilight back in her right mind - or a vague approximation of such.

Steadying herself with one last breath, she let Pinkie come back to her animated self, who still looked quite concerned for Twilight in Pinkie's way.

"Come on, Twilly," Pinkie encouraged, "You can tell me what's got you all grumpled." Twilight, however, didn't feel like going through it the second time. She almost attempted to lie to Pinkie to get the conversation out of the way when the doors to the room burst open in a grand display of convenience for the alicorn.

"Breakfast is served!" Rarity cried, her magic cradling a platter out of the reach of Lil' Cheese's hooves. "We have pancakes, made by the two of us; applesauce, which was supposed to be a fresh apple for all of us that Lil' Cheese here generously turned into sauce for each of us; and some glasses of orange juice with a few stray pieces of apples in them." Rarity said beneficently.

"I love applesauce!" Pinkie said happily, bouncy more fiercely without actually leaving the surface of the bed. It was a physics defying display of exuberance that was simply too infectious for Twilight to not laugh at as she too gave a gentler, more law abiding bounce on the mattress.

Lil' Cheese, picking up on the energy that had begun to grow in the room that was her mother, began to bounce her way across the floor towards the bed with a delighted squeak and a cry of, "Abbusoos!"

Rarity smiled at the shenaniganry that was the room, but did not join in the bouncing, instead elected to walk with all the poise and grace she was used to. It was likely to the salvation of their breakfast.

The four of them happily dug in, Lil' Cheese and Pinkie Pie being the first to chug down their fresh made applesauce - Twilight being a close second in that department. The three of them burst out into laughter, seeing the applesauce mustache on each of the other ponies. Rarity for her part gave a delighted giggle, gently slurping at her dish of applesauce in a show of solidarity.

The breakfast was a generally pleasant affair, each of them having any number of reasons to smile, giggle, or otherwise guffaw at the others as they enjoyed their meal. It did Twilight's heart good - especially considering they were whole wheat pancakes.

Twilight was about to offer to help Rarity with the dishes when the doors to her room were thrown open violently. The entire room jumped - though in the case of Pinkie it was a half second before the doors flew open. Storming in in a fit was a pony that Twilight almost didn't recognize. His mane of frazzled brown drooped about his ears unceremoniously and his coat was a splotched mess of colors that might've been a sort of yellow tainted by any number of colors.

Lil' Cheese, barely old enough to speak much less coherently express her emotions, began to cry loudly at the disturbance, by no means enjoying the loud interlude to their otherwise pleasant meal.

"Shut the fuck up, kid!" The pony shouted, shambling over towards the bed. It was at that point that Twilight realized for certain who she was looking at, and it sent a spike of icy panic and fear through her heart.

"Cheese!" Pinkie reeled back. "Y-you don't speak to our daughter that way!" She roared, instantly rising to her hooves while her mane seemed to think a moment too long for comfort about poofing out to its regular volume.

"And why's that?" Cheese snapped back, snarling at Pinkie as he did. "I come in from a long tour and, lo and behold, my wife's not at home. I come home, waiting to see her shining face, a mug of coffee, maybe some pancakes, perhaps even a back rub and a 'how was the trip, Cheesy' but NO! And before you pity ask, it was terrible! So I have to fuckin' ask Mrs. Cake where the fuck you went off to.

"She doesn't know, fuckin' have to ask Derpy - she doesn't know! I wander all about Ponyville, ask everypony I don't know and the few I do, no pony but the last pony knows a damn thing about where the single most popular pony is! Fuckin' Twilight's!"

Twilight shrunk back at that, the reality of the comment hitting her differently than it hit the others. Not wanting to be overly involved, she scooped up Lil' Cheese to calm the filly down. She stroked her mane and planted a few kisses across the little filly's brow to comfort the fragile thing that quaked like a leaf in an autumn breeze.

"Cheese Sandwich, you stop this foul language right now!" Pinkie demanded, stopping a hoof rather ineffectually against the bed.

"Or what? You're gonna throw a party at me?" Sandwich groaned. "Please, I married you for your looks, not your threats - or brains for that matter." Pinkie gasped in shock, so taken aback that she couldn't even put it into words - which was likely a first. "Yeah, I fuckin' said it. What are you going to do? Throw a literal pity party? 'Oh boo hoo, my husband married me cuz I look like a five star hooker.' Yeah, right."

"Out..."

"And another thing, five star is generous. I've fucked dozens hotter before I knew you. I just thought you were the one that would stay hot. Thought 'Well golly gee, she's an Element of Harmony, that's gotta make her immortal or some shit but whoops-a-daisy you still look like shit like the rest after the first kid."

"Out... now..."

"What's that, Princess? Oh, I see you're holding the brat." Cheese Sandwich sneered unapologetically. "Yeah, you can have her. She might make a good hooker when she's older, but I ain't into that pedo shit."

"Cheese Sandwich." Twilight said, having grown so furious that she had wrapped around and approached calm from the other end of the spectrum. "You will leave my castle. You will leave Ponyville. If you are wise, you may even consider leaving Equestria." She said in a near whisper that carried such venom and monumental power that it could've been heard in the Crystal Empire during the height of the blizzard of the century.

"Oh yeah an-"

"You misunderstand, Cheese Sandwich." Twilight said, cutting the stallion off before he could start again. "This isn't Twilight Sparkle, Doctor of the Arcane*; Twilight Sparkle, the owner of this castle; Twilight Sparkle, the librarian of Ponyville; Twilight Sparkle, the resident of Ponyville; Twilight Sparkle, the Element of Magic; Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship; or even Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of ALL Equestria speaking to you when I tell you to leave my castle, my town, and my nation.

"No, it is none of those ponies talking to you at this moment, because - as opposed to what you might think - they are all far too unimportant to say this to you, Cheese Sandwich. The pony that has just told you in simple terms to leave is none other that Twilight Sparkle the friend of Pinkie Pie who will, at one more word from you... well, let us just say that I will close the door behind us since I obviously care more about Lil' Cheese than you do."
*Twilight indeed had completed her doctorate - and what's more - had done so during her reign in a feat of juggling of responsibilities that put even the most ambitious college student to shame. Her ArD had been completed actually only a few days before she had come to Ponyville for a visit that would somehow end up at this point.

Cheese Sandwich took a step back, taken aback at the sheer fury that emanated from Twilight Sparkle, the friend of Pinkie Pie. He almost took the step back and opened his mouth to speak once more, but his eyes darted back and forth before he charged out of the room without another word. Twilight, not being one to even look at the hall where the stallion had gone, closed the door tactfully with her magic.

As the doors closed, Pinkie crumpled to the bed, sobbing her eyes out. Twilight looked to Rarity pleadingly, who nodded and held out her hooves, taking Lil' Cheese to comfort the small filly as best she could. Twilight gave an appreciative nod, then turned, wrapping a gentle hoof around Pinkie.

Pinkie immediately whirled about and buried her face into Twilight's fluffy chest, giving Twilight a taste of her own medicine. Twilight cautiously patted the crying mare on the back, not having expected such a reaction but welcoming it thoroughly. She was glad to be there for Pinkie when she needed her most.

Looking over to Rarity, Twilight was somewhat surprised to find the mare already looking at her with a sad smile. Twilight wasn't sure what to make of it, but returned to consoling Pinkie as best she could, her mind abuzz with questions and questions about questions.

There was, however, one central thought around which all other thoughts crystalized and orbited. A question that felt so very pressing, and yet had no easy way to answer. She had suspicions, but all of them were outlandish. In the end, it simply remained at the center of her thoughts as she gave Pinkie the hug that she needed at the moment while letting the one question swirl about her mind like a pitiable leaf in a storm drain.

Why was now the point Cheese Sandwich erupted and why had it been so violent?