A Pie by any Other Name

Jus ultima noctis. Learn to be perfect. What she truly deserves. One more monologue for two. The final answer. The question that was too late, now perfectly on time.

Twilight sat down to another plate of food. It wasn't that she didn't like what she had before her, it was more that she had no interest in food at the moment. The feeling in the pit of her stomach that she had somehow caused all of this drove away the urge to eat. It wasn't the first time, and doubtlessly wouldn't be the last, but it was the strongest case of it yet.

She wanted to say that it would all be alright and that everypony could go back to some semblance of normal, but that hope had been dashed as soon as Pinkie had said her first words to Twilight the day after that eventful morning.

"Cheese Sandwich never came home last night." It was heartbreaking for Twilight. She had seen Cheese Sandwich, in the presence of his own daughter, cuss and swear until she had to step in to stop further harm coming to anypony - especially to the stallion. She had watched as he chose to deem his daughter's only worth to be in the young filly's looks. He degraded his relationship with Pinkie to be on par with the relationship he had had with hookers and harlots.

And Pinkie's first words were concern about him not coming home.

Twilight's mind about this was that the stallion not returning was for the best. She rather not see the stallion ever again, though mostly so she wouldn't be tempted to invoke an ancient power granted to Equestrian nobles that rarely saw the light of day - or dark of night as the case might be. The particular right of jus ultima noctis - that is to say, the right of the final night.

Back when Equestria was a foundling nation that had just set up a diarchy because neither Celestia and Luna would rule alone, certain rights were deemed necessary for the stabilization of Equestria. Most ponies nowadays assume that 'jus prima noctis' was one of them, but oddly enough - especially considering the neighbors all had it - Celestia and Luna rescinded the right. They, however, did not rescind a right that only a few neighboring powers had allotted to their monarchs.

Jus ultima noctis was the right to choose when some creature should have their final night - whether just sexually, as it were, or more... permanently. This right, rarely exercised even when it was first granted, was usually used by other rulers to extinguish the lines of heredity of rival factions and any families that might possibly oppose them in future - including siblings since blood was the most distinct threat to a throne.

The right, when it was boiled down, was the right to either castrate a creature at the ruler's leisure, or - in more delicate situations - kill a creature outright without a trial or jury at the ruler's discretion.

Twilight, though not a pony prone to violence by any stretch, was of the mind that if she saw Cheese Sandwich one more time she'd revive the old right and let her council of lords and ladies rescind that right from her afterwards. Sure, it was an emotional decision that would likely end with Twilight losing quite a few otherwise useful powers in a sort of domino effect, but Twilight needed some emotional pay off from all of this.

Ensuring she knew which night was Cheese Sandwiches last would certainly deliver such on a silver platter.

All these thoughts and more filled Twilight's mind as she considered her options in an attempt to ignore the more pressing situation that surrounded her. It was a familiar coping mechanism that had - if not helped - at least diminished the pain of the moment in the past. Yet another tendency that likely wouldn't be categorized as entirely healthy by a psychologist - but Twilight was currently saving bits hand over fist by simply acknowledging things probably weren't healthy and then doing nothing about it, and she wasn't the sort to start spending money needlessly.

Something she did think she could spare some coin for would be Pinkie. Ever since the incident the mare had been walking about Ponyville - which was bad enough for the pony that usually was bouncing anywhere she went - with a half deflated mane. Everypony in Ponyville had a decent idea what that meant, of course excluding the newcomers that had about as much experience with Pinkie as they had with a hard day's work - minimal and confusion on how they ended up mixed up in it in the first place when it did happen.

She wished there was some way she could help the now so sullen mare with her heart break, but when all was considered, Twilight was more than likely the source of it all in her mind. If she hadn't been the direct cause of Cheese Sandwich's outburst - much as she constantly feared - then she in the least gave him the straw on the camel's back that made him fall apart catastrophically.

Even if she would invoke his last night, Twilight still had enough heart to feel bad about it. Not bad enough that she wouldn't do it, but bad enough that she'd have to live with regret for the rest of her life if she did have to go through with it. The sort of horrid feeling that Cheese Sandwich would share with her, though for significantly less time.

She shook herself, finding her thoughts constantly filtering back towards ending Cheese Sandwich. She needed to get into a new headspace - one that had less to do with the death penalty or possible castration. Then again, Twilight knew for a fact that she wouldn't want to stop at castration when in came to Sandwich.

She shook her head once more. She knew what she wanted to think about, but it wasn't what she needed to think about. Some might argue that there really wasn't anything pressing to think about, but Twilight would argue that what she needed to think about was just about anything that wasn't what she wanted to think about. It was just about that simple.

The distant, yet magically near, sound of somepony knocking on her front door brought Twilight back to the here and now. She sighed at her untouched - except for vague disinterested stirring about - plate of food, coming to the conclusion that later on she'd feel hungry and that the pony at the door likely needed to be attended to sooner rather than later.

A few moments later, having navigated the halls while doing her best to not think about how best to execute a certain pony discreetly, Twilight opened the front door of her castle. "Afternoon, Twilight dear." Rarity said in a voice that betrayed the utter lack of chipper energy that characterized their entire friend group of late.

"Hi, Rarity." Twilight replied on rote recall. "Come inside?" She asked, opening the door a slight bit more. Rarity bowed her head slightly in thanks, stepping inside without another word until Twilight had firmly shut the door behind her.

"I see you're keeping yourself busy." Rarity noted, her eyes falling on the thoroughly used chalkboard in the study that could just barely be seen from the entrance.

"Oh, that's old work." Twilight said waving a hoof in dismissal. "I really haven't been up to doing anything of late for... obvious reasons." Rarity nodded in response, staring off towards the board - though Twilight could tell her friend was looking through it towards the mythical middle distance.

"It has been hard times the last few days." Rarity noted. The two of them stood in silence for a short moment, neither one of them wanting to be so rude as to ask the question both of them had. Of course, this wouldn't last to incredibly long considering the ponies involved - manners only go so far. "He hasn't been seen again, has he?" Rarity finally asked, not even turning her head.

"Not as far as I know." Twilight answered, sighing after she had said it. "I think he took me quite seriously."

"I think that that would be the first smart decision in a while from that stallion - considering what he said before he ran out." Rarity said grimly. "The stallion was a fool, and not the sort that Pinkie deserved to be saddled with." Twilight snorted at that.

"Pinkie deserves a deity for how good she is to the rest of us, and Lil' Cheese deserves a second parent who loves her for who she is without such... diabolical thoughts tainting that love." Twilight said with a shudder. Rarity nodded at the statement, remaining silent for a few choice moments.

"You know," She began, breaking the silence anew, "I always found it interesting how Celestia, of the two sisters, was the one to be deified after a sort while Luna became the princess of the ponies. Especially considering those first few times Luna tried to... interact with the ponies of Equestria."

"Celestia had a longer history with Equestria." Twilight said with a shrug, happy to have her brain engaged in something that wasn't methods of death - or killing, to be specific. "Celestia was around for over a thousand years and every day lifted the sun and moon in their proper time. Ponies saw that power which the unicorns lost now being used by a singular pony and sort of... assumed.

"Meanwhile Luna, with her personality and particular charms, seemed far nearer. She was distanced by a gulf of time like Celestia. Sure, she is... was a princess, but she acted more like... I suppose an older sister or mother than what ponies expected of a princess. She cultivated a different sort of relationship with all the ponies of Equestira." Twilight explained simply.

"I suppose so." Rarity said with an accepting nod. "By the way, Darling, did Celestia transfer the duty of raising the sun to you? I can't quite recall at the moment." Twilight rolled her eyes.

"She's given me the responsibility every other week. A sort of trial run. By next year she'll only raise the sun on special ceremonial occasions or if something happens to me." Twilight said.

"Oh, so a sort of a solar timeshare then?" Rarity asked.

"Something like that I suppose."

"And you can move the sun all by yourself? The moon too?" Rarity asked.

"Yes, quite easily now that I've had consistent practice."

"I see..." Rarity said with a nod and then chuckled. "I suppose that puts you many times on equal hoofing as Celestia." Twilight almost brought out a rebuttal when Rarity placed a gentle hoof against Twilight's lips. "You raise the sun and moon. You are the ruler of Equestria. Give it time, Twilight, and doubtlessly you will become quite the goddess in the eyes of ponies.

"And who knows," she added with a coy little smile, "perhaps one day you'll see that you are the deity that deserves to be with Pinkie." Twilight was aghast to say the least, but then it all clicked.

She... she loved Pinkie. She loved her more than life, loved her more than any single pony that she could imagine. She loved her, and loved the daughter that now stood without a father. She loved the two of them, not because they were pretty - though that certainly was true - but because... because they were Pinkie and Lil' Cheese.

"Maybe..." Twilight said after another moment's thought.

"Twilight," Rarity began with that maternal tone of hers, "so help me, if you don't ask Pinkie if she'd like to go out to dinner with you I will ask her for you." Twilight flushed slightly at the thought - though it wasn't particularly unattractive in a way. "Stop waiting, Twilight, and seize what you always wanted. Take her and give yourself to her. You deserve one another!"

Twilight blinked a few times, staring down at her hooves in thought. Some ponies certainly would agree with Rarity's assessment - and Twilight desperately wanted to be one of them. There was something so alluring about agreeing that she deserved Pinkie, but in the end she really didn't think she did.

"Pinkie deserves somepony perfect." Twilight said, lifting her eyes to meet with Rarity's. "She deserves a pony who truly loves her and would cherish her without end. She deserves a pony that means it when they say 'to death' and 'for richer or poorer' and all other parts of the vows. She deserves the very best."

"You're right, Twilight." Rarity said, her patience - if not everlasting - at least enough to impress a saint. "I wager, though, that you would keep any vow - you're the sort of pony that would. I also think that you'd love and cherish her far more than any other pony out there. I've seen how you look at her when you think no pony else is watching. You adore her, and frankly, I wouldn't even see anything wrong with a scene where you worshipped at her hooves.

"True, you are by no means perfect - everypony, not least of which being you - knows that," Rarity said, taking a step closer to press a hoof against Twilight's chest, "so work at it. Become perfect, but don't wait on it to ask her out to dinner. Become her perfect mare while the two of you live in each other's embrace. Become the perfect pair not today or tomorrow, but over the long years of eternity.

"You're an alicorn, Twilight, you'll have a long time to learn how to love her - a long time to learn to be perfect. So DO it." Rarity finished, lowering her hoof from Twilight's chest. "Think on it, Darling. I think you'll find that if you don't deserve her, that she - in the very least - deserves you." With that, Rarity turned and left Twilight without another word.

Twilight stood there for a good long time, her mind failing to process what she had heard. It wasn't that the words made no sense, but the more she thought about it the more it made sense and the less she wanted it to. Of course, that wasn't entirely true, emotions are quite complicated and Twilight's mental dissonance over her own desires only complicated the matter further.

She deeply wanted to be with Pinkie - it was likely what would be considered her heart's truest desire - but she couldn't just... be with Pinkie. Pinkie deserved so much better! She deserved the very best and Twilight was far from that!

"Become perfect..." Rarity's voice echoed in her mind.

"You don't just become perfect!" Twilight said to herself, beginning to pace back an forth.

"What, you think ponies are born perfect? Perfection isn't something you stumble into, its something you work at." Twilight scoffed at herself. "Paintings don't become perfect because some pony tripped over a bench and spilled paints just so, they had to perfect their craft!"

"Well some paintings that are 'perfect' certainly look like that..."

"That's not the point!" Twilight snapped. "Perfection is attained; it is achieved! We aren't perfect but we can become closer to it."

"What if I never deserve Pinkie? What If I'm never good enough." Twilight quavered. "What if she one day decides that she doesn't want to be with me?"

"Then you cherish what time you had! You don't not do things because you're afraid they won't work out! If you did, why are spells still made? Their the single least predictable things that can be predicted!" Twilight said in exasperation.

"But... but she's too important to just... flounce into her life! She deserves so much more than I can ever be!"

"And that is why you have to try!" Twilight countered. "You aren't perfect, but you can try your hardest to become perfect. It's just that easy. Take one step and then the next. One day you're either perfect or just closer than you were yesterday. That simple, Twilight."

"But..."

"No 'buts', Twilight! This isn't a time to second guess, it's time to act!"

"There is an issue, though." Twilight pointed out. Twilight waited for herself to say what that issue was. "Pinkie will never willingly divorce Cheese Sandwich. She's far too loyal to him, even if he isn't the same to her. She holds out hope and will continue to do so that he'll come back and apologize. We can try as hard as we want to become perfection, but she won't abandon him until he's dead."

"I suppose that is true..." Twilight acquiesced. "But then again... perhaps this is the redemptive use of that spell?" Twilight posited to herself. "I mean, I always thought the spell was a mistake but perhaps it was... a blessing in disguise? I could use it to fix the issue."

"Yeah, that would work. I could make Pinkie realize that Cheese Sandwich isn't worth her time - that she's much better off without him and with somepony else. No pony in particular, mind you, just not Cheese Sandwich." Twilight pointed out.

"It would be painful to see her have to divorce the pony she thought loved her." Twilight mused. "But... perhaps there's a silver lining to all of this? He isn't coming back after all."

"If he did it wouldn't be for long..."

"Either way, he isn't coming back. That means he essentially divorced her without the paperwork. He admitted that he didn't love her!"

"Did he?"

"YES! He told her that he didn't love her and that he liked the harlots better. It's plain as day that he considers their marriage a sham!" Twilight exclaimed as self imposed realization dawned.

"Pinkie doesn't."

"We can fix that."

"Does it need to be fixed?"

"YES!"

"If you say so..."

Getting Pinkie into the castle wasn't hard. Honestly all Twilight had to do on a good day would be to ask the air if Pinkie was listening and the mare would appear to comfort Twilight that she, indeed, was not listening to Twilight at that moment before zipping away. Today, though, was not exactly a 'good' day, to be fair.

That, however, didn't stop the fact that getting Pinkie to the castle would be a synch. It just required a bit of know-how - which Twilight had in spades.

All she needed to do was send her a letter.

Of course, this summoning ritual wasn't very fancy or particularly unique to Pinkie - the same would work for any other pony who could read and had an address - but in the end it was still effective, and that's what counts. One letter into Pinkie's mailbox - completely obviating the need for postage or the lottery that was Derpy Hooves - and within the appointed time the mare would show up.

When she did, Twilight was surprised to find her in what for other ponies would be considered a good mood - which of course meant that Pinkie was still a few notches below her usual amount of energy. Twilight couldn't fault the mare for not being at full energy, but at least she wasn't as down and out as she was before.

"Hiya, Twilight." Pinkie said at a speed far more normal than her usual. It broke Twilight's heart to see the mare like this, but at least she had the comfort that she was about to fix it. At least part of it.

"Hi, Pinkie!" Twilight said, filling the vacuum of energy in hopes that it would drag Pinkie up a few notches by osmotic pressure of energy in the environment. "Come on in!" She said, stepping aside. Pinkie smiled and walked in, making Twilight's heart drop once more. It was horrible to see the usually so bouncy mare just walking around.

"You said you wanted to have a little get together?" Pinkie prompted, looking about the castle.

"Yeah!" Twilight said, softly closing the door. "Just a little 'howdy hey' and so on. It's been a hard few days and I thought it best if we had some time to... you know, destress." Pinkie smiled at this.

"That sounds nice, Twilly. It sounds real nice." She said in a way that would be considered exuberant in others but instead just came across as dower for Pinkie.

"Yeah, just some time to help get your mind off of things and maybe get you in a better headspace." Twilight said, already igniting her horn. "I'm sure by the end of this you'll feel a lot better." With a flash of magic Pinkie found that her mind thoroughly was off the topic of the past few days - though, to be fair, this wasn't true for just the past few days.

Twilight sighed, coaxing herself in the absence of Rarity to more ahead with the plan she had concocted. She needed to do this, not just for herself but for Pinkie. She couldn't leave her friend hanging! She just couldn't!

Looking on Pinkie in her still, unthinking state, Twilight felt her heart flutter as it the first time and every time since. Unable to help herself - mostly because she knew she could help herself - Twilight leaned forward and planted a kiss on Pinkie's unresisting lips.

It felt good. Right. As natural as breathing to just lock lips with Pinkie for moments without number. She loved it - loved Pinkie and all the ways the mare made her feel. She wanted it to last forever and beyond, but knew there was work to be done.

Stepping back, she took a breath and scanned the spell with her magic once more. It was there and still as vibrant as the day it had been cast. It was powerful for an accidental spell - that much was for certain. Twilight even found herself admiring the spell work, the precise lines of runes that worked in tandem to produce an effect that the spell she had meant to cast had never intended to use them for. It was almost as if the pony that had made the spell had made the spell in such a way to produce the effect for how convenient it was.

She'd certainly have to research the pony that made it - but that was for later if ever.

Likely never.

Taking in a breath, Twilight subtly began to alter the spell and how it interacted with Pinkie's mind. Slowly and ever so carefully she adjusted thoughts, feelings, convictions, and the smallest of aspects of Pinkie - taking extreme care to not alter the larger picture, simply the smallest edges of the shading.

It felt like an eternity as she worked tirelessly, shifting things with grace and care. It was nerve-wracking work but Twilight was up to the task as she moment to moment reshaped the smallest pieces of Pinkie while balancing the rest of the mare's personality.

She worked hard, aiming for a very specific goal. She wanted Pinkie to move forward and to divorce Cheese Sandwich - leaving behind the stallion who had been a net neutral in her life. Twilight reflected that the only thing he had ever done to balance out all the negatives he had brought was by being the sire - though not father in Twilight's opinion - of the magnificent blessing that was Lil' Cheese.

Twilight shifted things about, making Pinkie open to the idea of the unfortunately necessary divorce and emotionally capable of going forward with it. She also took the time to add a little extra - namely making Pinkie open to a new relationship afterwards. She wanted to give the mare time to heal, but perhaps she could just so happen to make that time significantly shorter.

Her heart yearned to have Pinkie for her own and to be Pinkie's own. She craved to be part of the mare's life in a more prominent way. She found herself daydreaming about being called mommy by Lil' Cheese. She smiled at the thought, at the dream.

Perhaps that explained why a small string wormed its way into Pinkie's mind without Twilight's notice or direct action. It would certainly explain a lot of things, but then again, perhaps these things just happen.

Or perhaps somepony else wanted to make sure others thought that things just happened.

Sighing in satisfaction at a job well done, Twilight took one last kiss from Pinkie - contenting herself that she'd at least have that much left for her - and then stepped back, looking the mare over before releasing her from the effects of the spell.

With a shiver that ran from the tips of her ears to the very end of her tail, Pinkie came back into life, her mane and tail poofing out back to their original size while her smile returned full force. It was wonderful to see and made Twilight's heart leap for join. She had Pinkie back!

"Wowwy! I don't know what you - I mean - what just happened, but I suddenly feel a lot better!" Pinkie said with her usual speed. Twilight giggled at the return to form, relieved to have Pinkie back to her old self.

"I'm glad that you're alright, Pinkie." Twilight said, still smiling at the mare. Her smile faltered when her hindbrain nudged her forebrain about the second step in the plan. Well, the mood was good, she might as well ruin it with a dumb question. "Say, Pinkie, would you like to go out to dinner with me? I mean, I had thought about just staying home tonight, but you know..." She trailed off, unsure where to go with her sentence.

Pinkie, for her part, blinked a few times, and then beamed at Twilight. "Sure, Twilly, I'd love to!"

"I..." Twilight began, not sure what to she wanted say - though she did know what she ought to say. "I don't mean a meal, Pinkie."

"Then why would we got out to dinner? A meals a meal!" Pinkie said in confusion while stamping a hoof to empahsize the point in an almost comical way.

"I mean... I mean, not just a meal... I..." Twilight fumbled, unsure if she had the guts for this. In the end, she had to try. "I mean... would you like to go out on a date with me?" Twilight tried.

"A date?" Pinkie blinked. Twilight already began to preemptively line up curse to be used on herself in the event this went the way she thought it would from the start, but instead plowed on ahead.

"A date." Twilight repeated back to Pinkie. "I... I love you, Pinkie. I want us to be together, and I understand that it might be a bit too close to the day that... well, you know. I'm alright with waiting a bit!" Twilight said defensively, cowering behind her words as they streamed out in an unregulated flow. "I understand that you might not want to start dating right now but I just had to tell youthatIloveyoubecauseIdidn'tlasttimeanditendedupreallybadbecausethenSandwichproposedandthenthismesshappenedandI'mreallysorry!" Twilight rattled off, beating Pinkie's usual speed of speaking by a small bit.

Twilight closed her eyes and jerked her head away from Pinkie, her heart pounding violently in her chest as she awaited rejection. There was no way that this would work! Pinkie was too fresh from her treatment at Cheese Sandwich's hooves and would certainly need time to rest and heal after such a terrible ordeal!

She felt her head being moved by a hoof to face Pinkie, but she kept her eyes closed. They did, however, shoot wide open when she felt Pinkie kiss her passionately. She stared into Pinkie's now closed eyes, her brain firing off fireworks and shooting off sparks as it celebrated and also failed to keep up with the world that was whirling about her in a fierce storm of emotion and circumstance.

Things were certainly looking up!