Celestia will not forgive this.
Author's Note
Sleep deprivation central, here I come!
Celestia will not forgive this.
Celestia was having a good day, much like the author of this hot garbage was three hours ago. He is now sleep deprived at 2 in the morning instead.
But that's not the story. This story is about Celestia and the slice of pumpkin pie she was about to consume with all the daintiness fitting for a ~~goddess incarnate with the power to move freakin' balls of nuclear fusion of unimagineable power~~ princess. She brought the fork closer to her mouth, thinking about what villain she should send Twilight and her friends off to fight against today. Maybe she could make them tax collectors instead.
"Hmm."
Celestia opened an eye. There was a... creature? Some kind of creature standing in front of her. It seemed a good bit like the 'humans' she'd seen on the other side of the mirror portal before, but this one...
Well, the nose on this one took up almost a fifth of its face.
"Hrm." The humanoid repeated, making eye-contact with Celestia. His straw hat slid a little on top of his bald head.
"Can I help you with somethi--" Celestia stopped mid-sentence as the villager somehow sucked the pumpkin pie--not just the slice, but the entire pie off of the table into his sleeves and wandered away.
"What."
Bobert the villager closed his eyes, soaking in the warm Equestrian sun on his billboard-sized forehead. The pumpkin pie he had acquired for an absolute steal of a deal from that horse was simply delicious. He had to make more of it. Not only for himself, but for the world... at a price, of course.
Bobert opened his eyes, staring down at the lower levels of Canterlot beneath him, and beyond that, the railroad leading to Ponyville. Ponyville was a town that had a good number of farms. It would be a perfect place for a simple villager such as himself to set up shop.
"HALT." A horse wearing gold armor shouted. This was a surprise, as horses weren't supposed to talk. "How did you get here on the balcony, and how dare you take the midday snack of the Princess!"
Bobert yawned in response, though nobody would've seen anyway since his big ol' honker blocked most of his mouth.
"Hrm." He mumbled, backing toward the edge. He was about to pull what can be called a 'pro-gamer move'. More specifically, he saw this happen in a music video once. It was time to go protagonist mode.
Bobert jumped backward off the balcony as one of the armored horses stepped closer. There was enough water nearby to make it in one piece, thankfully.
"Mommy, why's there a strange creature in a robe falling out of the sky?"
The mare looked up, eyes widening at the rapidly-plummeting Bobert dropping toward a small puddle leaking from an old barrel. "Cover your eyes, Honey," she held a hoof up to the filly's eyes. "I don't think this will turn out very well."
Bobert dropped with all the grace of a rock into the already-evaporating puddle. He stood still for a moment, drifting slightly to the left as more water leaked from the barrel.
Honey Ham pushed her mother's hoof aside. "No, look! The creature did it! He landed and didn't get hurt! Also, what's ham?"
It was from that moment onward that Honey Ham's mother decided to never try naming anything ever again.
After a second or two more of drifting, Bobert walked away. His cunning escape had worked perfectly.
"Pumpkins, get'yer pumpkins here!"
Bobert's rectangle head turned toward the source of the voice with laser precision.
"Big pumpkins, small pumpkins, we'll even pim--oh?" 🅱umpkin 🅱atch glanced at Bobert, who only stared back with his blocky, unblinking eyes. "You here to buy pumpkins?"
"Hrm hm!" Bobert nodded. He slid an emerald onto the counter.
"Oh, sorry, I only take bits, sir--wait, this is huge! Go ahead and take my whole stock, sir! Your generosity is graciously accepted!"
This is the part where the author reminds you that it only takes nine emeralds in Minecraft to make a cubic meter of the stuff. A single Minecraft emerald must be massive.
As for Bobert's part, he silently chuckled at the masterful scam he'd set up. The last person he'd bought pumpkins from had an automated farm, and forced him to buy pumpkins at one emerald each. The glowing sword was all the intimidation he needed for that kind of persuasion back then, but here? Well, these horses don't know what hit 'em! Those emeralds come dirt-cheap where he comes from!
As for the pumpkins, Bobert slapped them to pieces and absorbed them into whatever the heck he's got under his robes. Maybe some sort of bag of holding or something. Or just a really, really deep pocket.
Speaking of 'back then', how did he get into this land of horses, anyway? Bobert stopped and took a look around. Everything was so... smooth. The blockiest things in sight were some of the chests beneath the tables of the shops. Come to think of it, there was this huge Illager beast thing that charged at him not too long ago...
Oh well. Isekai story is an isekai story. Bobert's probably gonna figure out that he's got a magical power or something now 'cause he's an isekai protagonist and the author of this trash wants to slam his face into the keyboard for writing at 2:30 in the morning.
Ahem. Back to the story.
Bobert, now some thirty-something pumpkins richer and only down a single emerald out of a virtually infinite supply, wandered his merry way to the train station. After paying yet another emerald for a pass aboard, he climbed into his newly-purchased first-class luxury car. The horses that were already in there didn't look very impressed by his entrance.
"Who invited the hat rack?" One of them snorted.
Bobert only glared in response with his cold, soulless eyes.
"Hrm."
Bobert turned around and stood on top of one of the seats, staring not out the window, but into the metal paneling of the car above the window. It is an unstated rule among his kind, after all, that sitting is a cardinal sin of villagerkind. One must only stand or lay down. There is no in-between.
"...Are you going to sit dow--"
"Hrm." Bobert whipped around, flames in his emerald-green eyes as his unibrow expressed anger the best they could. Little grey clouds with lighting striking from them appeared around the villager as he continued to glare at the horse.
After what seemed to be an eternity, the train stopped in Ponyville. Bobert slowly backed away from the terrified nobles, having never once blinked during the entire trip as he finally stopped staring. He tipped his hat to the conductor and left without a word.
A particularly pink pony pronked up to Bobert, ready to welcome the villager to Ponyville for the first time. However, using an advanced evasion technique called 'holy crap those stubby legs move quick', Bobert somehow managed the impossible and escaped Pinkie Pie. He was, of course, on a mission, and was not about to be set off-course by a mere horse.
What happens next is a series of rapidly-paced events written solely because the author decided he didn't want to spend too long writing a joke.
"Hrm."
Flim opened the door. "Yes?" He yawned, staring at Bobert. Bobert stared back. "Ah, a fellow businesspony... er, creature. Come in, come in."
Bobert and the Flim-Flam brothers proceeded to discuss topics ranging from world domination to the best way to obtain a monopoly on Equestria's pumpkin supply. Somehow, even with making only nasal hums, Bobert was able to communicate clear as day that he was more interested in the latter. However, he was open to helping with the former as well, once the pumpkins were in his inventory.
As for actually acquiring these pumpkins...
By the power of the single brain cell bouncing around in my head like a game of pong, I shall now make this a three-way crossover!
And by that I mean that suddenly Dr. Doofenshmirtz is here to make an attract-all-pumpkins-inator. Bobert slammed his forehead on the button, activating the machine. Here in Equestria, there was no Perry the Platypus anywhere to foil the plans of the ragtag team of weirdos!
Every pumpkin on the face of the planet began to hurtle toward Bobert at ludicrous speeds as Dr. Doof cackled. Flim and Flam sat and watched. One of them stroked their mustache, but I didn't bother to remember who it is that has said mustache.
And now, with a return to Minecraft physics (and logic), Bobert simply absorbed each and every pumpkin into himself. Or more specifically, whatever inventory a Minecraft villager has. He's probably got shulker boxes for days hiding beneath that robe, I'm tellin' ya.
Now, with all the pumpkins gathered, the next phase of his plans were about to start.
"Hrm." Bobert turned to Doofenshmirtz. Somehow, this was translated perfectly to the words "The emerald distribute-inator, activate it now."
Dr. Doof pulled the lever on the second -inator as Bobert began pouring infinite numbers of emeralds into the machine. While he did in fact intend to and succeeded in acquiring each and every pumpkin in existence, he was still an honest salesvillager, and that meant paying the price he himself placed on the items he was buying.
Suddenly, Equestria's economy imploded within seconds. Farms became rich enough to buy out not only completely-unrelated businesses, but also the government itself. Equestria is now an anarcho-agrarian nation with hyperinflation problems stemming from a single bald farmer farting out infinite emeralds into some other guy's weird tuba-shaped machine, all while twin brother horses renowned for their scammy practices watched in silence as their hopes and dreams were accomplished in mere seconds by two creatures that hadn't even existed within their world just a day ago.
Man, am I tired.
Also, Celestia's pumpkin pie is still missing, and that is a war crime in her book. Also, it was at this moment that the author realized that Bobert was meant to come to Equestria via portal, but decided to leave it as an isekai story because screwit I'm done with this flaming disaster of a fic.
