Friendship With A Side Of Toast

Time, Ken, & Wes Dork Around In The Wasteland

Slightly based in the FoE universe

by TimeForSP, WeirdBeard/bronyken, and TheOnlyWes

“Freaking A, Time!” Ken screamed out.  The hapless idiot rubbed his back from where he had fallen.  He looked around confusedly, their surroundings completely changed from the kitchen in Time’s house where they had met.  The sky was covered with dark gray clouds and hardly a ray of sunlight penetrated through.  “We finally meet other each and the first thing you do is teleport us somehow!”

“Well it’s not my fault!” A red pegasus mare rebuked, picking herself up from her spot on the soft dirt. “I thought it was a cupcake!”

        Ken arched his brow and scowled.  “How could you confuse a banana for a cupcake?!”  he asked.  Ken finally locked eyes with his friend.  “And now you’re a pony! Why does crap like this always happen?”

        “Well then you shouldn’t have put my bananas in the wrong drawe- wait a second...” Time examined her new body: she now had hooves where her hands should be. Hooves? Hooves! “Holykoolaidpitcher! I’m an O.C. now! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” The mare threw her hooves to the air, not remembering that she should be standing on them, and promptly planted her face into the ground.

The unchanged human smacked a hand against face.  He scratched at his short brown hair in frustration and replied, “I think that’s the least of our problems right now.  Take a look at where we’re at.”  Ken swept his arm and pointed to the desolate landscape.

The pegasus spat some dirt out of her mouth, brought her head up and took a survey of her surroundings. “Looks like we’re somewhere in New Jersey,” the mare stated.

“Har har, ya filthy animal.  The price is wrong, we’re stuck in the Wasteland.  Apparently we’ve pissed off every ancient god or whatever and now we’re just their puppets.  Nice job, Time,” Ken insulted.  He bit at the corners of his ‘stache and frowned.  Figured something like this would happen.

        “Well bananas from ancient indian burial grounds are way cheaper than regular ones.” Time crossed her arms.

Ken stared blankly at the mare and sighed.  Just great.HIs brown eyes scanned the horizon once more before responding.  “Look, we’ve both read Fallout Equestria.  We gotta get someplace safe quick before a radroach bites my face off or something.”

“Let’s go to Hoofington! That place is great!”

“Don’t be stupid,” Ken retorted.

“I just want to hug Glory. Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaassseeee?” Time annoyingly pleaded, making puppy eyes cute enough to kill an elephant.

“No.”

        “So that’s a yes. Let’s go!” The pony started trotting in a random direction.

        The human threw his hands up into the air.  “Good night nurse, at least grab a weapon!” he exclaimed.  Ken examined the ground closely before finding a rusty nine-iron.  Why in the name of all things holy was there a nine-iron in a land of ponies?!

“Don’t worry. I’m fine.” Time pulled a baton out of seemingly nowhere.

“Where the hell did you get that?” Ken asked.

“You don’t want to know.” Time gave the human a wink.

Ken’s jaw dropped.  “That’s disgusting.”

The mare rolled her eyes and zipped up her fanny pack.

“...Are you seriously wearing a fanny pack?” the human asked.

“What? Did you think I was gonna shove my stuff up my ass?” the pegasus raised an eyebrow.  She suddenly stopped in mid-step and slowly shook her back legs.  There was something missing.  Time stared down between her legs.  It took several minutes for the discovery to kick in.  “I’m not a man!”

Ken simply shook his head and began walking off.  “Again.  Wasteland.  Death by horrible dismemberment or even worse.  With our luck though, you’d become Chief of some raider tribe and still sodomize me for the fun of it.”  He took a few more steps forward, but suddenly tripped over a half-buried barrel.  “DANGIT!”

Time burst into laughter.  “Good job, buddy! You might even be able to last an hour out here.”

 “Shut your dirty mouth, you want to go to Hoofington!” Ken sarcastically replied, pushing himself up.  He paused however and stared at a nearby patch of grass.  “Don’t move.”

“What’s wron- SOLAR-FLARING ORGASMS OF CELESTIA!”  The pegasus stared face to face with a giant mantis, standing frozen in place.

Ken readied his nine iron and slowly moved into position behind the mutant insect.  “Don’t.  Move,” he quietly whispered.

“What do you think I’m doing?”  Time spat back.

The human grinned wickedly.  “I’ve always wanted to do this.”  At this statement, he brought the golf club down heavily to where the mantis stood.  However, the oddity dodged away from the attack and latched onto Time’s face.

“FFPPHFHFFP” The pegasus stumbled back, ungracefully tripped over a rock and tumbled over to the ground; all the while flailing her arms impetuously.

“Hold still, I’ll get it!” Ken shouted. The man started to swing his nine-iron down at the giant mantis, forgetting that there was a mare’s face underneath it.

The dead mutated insect slid off Time’s face, revealing the collateral damage -- a very bruised face and a very angry Time -- caused by Ken’s attack on the mantis.  “Remind me to kill you...” The mare shook herself, then raised herself to a standing position. The pegasus looked dazedly at Ken. “Hey... Why are there two of you?”

Ken rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled awkwardly.  “Sorry ‘bout that.  C’mon, let’s find you a healing potion or something.  There’s gotta be something around here,” he stated.

“Let’s go check out that OMINOUS LEDGE over there!”  Time pointed her hoof at a decline next to the duo.

The human glanced at the directed spot.  A sickly mist rose slowly from below the ridge and Ken replied, “...Sure!”

The duo pranced merrily to the ledge like magical little fairies.  What could possibly go wrong?

XXXXXXXXX

        “Run run run RUN RUN RUN!” Ken screamed.  He sprinted ahead of the pegasus, his own legs carrying him farther.  Behind the pair, dozens of giant mantis skittered quickly toward them.

“Don’t leave without me!” The pegasus attempted to use her wings to propel herself forward, -- away from the onslaught -- but since she had no experience using the appendages she ended up doing a nose-dive, skidding on her face to a halt.

The human stopped in his tracks, noticing the mare’s mishap.  He grunted and doubled back.  Ken almost retreated away at the sight of the mutant insects, but scooped up his friend and resumed their escape.  “You just had to throw a rock at them, didn’t you?”

“I thought it would be funny!”  The mare cried.  Suddenly, Time spotted something in the distance with her new, keen pegasus eyesight.  “Go that way, Ken.” The mare pointed in the direction of the unidentified object.

“That’s the last thing I’m gonna do!  In case you already forgot, you’re the one who got us in the mess with your stupid advice!” Ken yelled, struggling to carry the shifting mare.  He glanced behind them and immediately wished he hadn’t.  One particularly freaky-looking giant mantis was only a few feet away.

“Well it doesn’t look like you have any other choice,” Time argued, bouncing in the man’s arms.

Ken rolled his eyes, but changed his momentum to the pointed direction.  “Fine!  Don’t blame me if these things catch us and decide to wear our faces for Halloween!”

“Whatever! Just run!” the mare screamed as the mantises closed in.

        “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” the human yelled in fear as two of the insects latched onto his back.  “I FREAKIN’ HATE YOU, TIME!”

        “Don’t worry. I’ll grow on you, just give me a year or twenty-seven.” The red pony climbed up onto his shoulders and swatted at the bugs, swiftly sending them flying off Ken’s back with strong blows from her hooves.

        Ken quickened his sprint even more, not wanting any more mutants to jump onto him.  It would have been a rather comical sight.  This gangly human and pegasus perched atop his shoulders fleeing from a giant sea of green, mutant mantis.  “Just shut up or else I’m dropping you off with the these things!” he shouted angrily while Time swatted at more leaping bugs.

Hopefully whatever they were running towards would help solve their little predicament.

XXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile, an entire world away, a young man strolled through a bustling Renaissance fair. Though perhaps ‘strolled’ was too kind a word. Rather, he was sprinting as fast as he possibly could, the plates of his archaic armor clacking together audibly as pushed through a sea of similarly-clad knights and noble ladies. His white cape, emblazoned with a black cross, trailed behind him in a dramatic fashion, though nothing about his quest was ‘dramatic’ in the slightest.

“Excuse me!” He called as he pushed through the crowd. “Pardon me, fair maiden! Forgive me, good sir!” His feigned Old English was beyond atrocious, but he didn’t dare act out of character. Even when his stomach was growling in protest as it struggled to digest the myriad of greasy, horrendously unhealthy food he’d fed it mere hours earlier. Of course, the young man was smart enough to know when a fight was lost, and had promptly sought out the faire’s lavatories.

When the blessed sight of the wooden stalls came into sight, he let out a triumphant cry that startled everyone around him. His pace quickened to a truly impressive speed, even as he narrowly avoided tripping over a small child in his haste to reach the stalls. When he finally did manage to lock himself into one of the rancid-smelling, stifling-hot toilets, it took him the better part of ten minutes to undue the necessary armor pieces covering his body. It was with great relief that he finally sat down, resting his sword gently beside him.

Unbeknownst to the young man, a wind began picked up around the stall. Dust and debris was kicked up with reckless abandon, completely obscuring the lavatory for a long moment. Then, as quickly as the wind had disappeared, it vanished...along with the stall and its occupant. Of course, said occupant was completely oblivious to the otherworld occurrence that had just transpired. In fact, he didn’t even know something was amiss until he finished his business within the stall, donned his armor once more, and swung the door open in a dramatic fashion.

“Whoaly shit.” He muttered under his breath, fanning the air in front of him as he lifted the visor of his helmet. “This side of the park is closed....every...one...?” He trailed off as he finally took notice of the desolate, barren wasteland around him. His eyes widened as he looked around, his gauntleted hand falling on the hilt of his sword. It was only when an annoyed voice shouted at him, did he look down and see a donkey staring up at him.

“Hey!” The donkey called. “Watch where you’re going, pal. You coulda crushed me with that thing!”

The young man stared at the talking donkey for a long moment, before promptly falling backwards as he fainted.

XXXXXXX

        “Run! Run faster, you wimp!” the pegasus screamed, the mantises still trailing behind them. “Faster, horsey!” Time kicked the man in the butt.

Ken grunted from the jab and glared at the red mare atop his shoulders.  “Again, you’re not helping!  Why don’t you fly us both up or something?” he questioned while Time pushed her forehooves harder down upon his matted, brown hair.

“My awesome presence and fluids are leaking into your body. That’s help enough!”  the mare proudly stated.  It was not helping the duo that the mutant insects kept their steady, fast pace.

Ken gritted his teeth and tried desperately to stay focused on the task at hand.  They were finally nearing the location that Time had directed to previously; a rundown, shackled wagon cart.  The human darted ahead while the swarm maintained their heated pursuit.  At the lead of the wooden cart, a strange, ghoulish donkey was pulling the vehicle effortlessly.

 Out of the blue, an outhouse fell from the sky, raining the duties of many fair maidens and knights upon the the mantis horde.  The intense crash launched Ken and Time out of the way while the mutant bugs sat in disbelief.

“Ewww, this is so disgusting!” cried one of the mantis.

“Oh mah gosh, there’s poop all over me!”

“So gross! I need a manicure!”

“This is not fabulous, in any way! Gosh!”

After the bizarre outcries from the insect horde, they abruptly turned around and skittered back to their spawn hole.  The mare and human glanced at each other, but Ken shrugged at just another oddity to add to their growing list of madness.

“All hail the mighty toilet gods!” the mare exclaimed and threw her hooves to the air.

Ken shook his head dismissively, but paused when he heard a peculiarly familiar voice echoing from behind the outhouse.  Upon inspection, his jaw dropped when he realized that the one and only Cranky Doodle Donkey stood before them.

“Look, Ken! It’s Doctor Professor Mister McUnhappy-Pants Doodle Donkey, Esquire!” Time merrily pointed at the depressed donkey.

“Great.” The donkey grumbled. “First I get stopped by bandits and now...toilets are falling out of the sky. Toilets.” He peeked his head around the side of the outhouse, narrowing his eyes at Ken and the mare. “And just who are you calling McUnhappy Pants, eh? Eh, whatever. You, String Bean.” He pointed a hoof at Ken. “Get over here, would ya? Some weirdo stumbled out of the toilet here, and ya’ll look mighty similar.” As if to emphasize his point, there was an audible groan from the ground at the donkey’s hooves.

Ken raised an eyebrow, but neared toward where Cranky pointed.  Sure enough, another human lay flat on his back.  ‘Fantastic,’ he thought to himself when he noticed the homemade armour and medieval garb.  Either this was the worst knight in history or this chum was from a Renaissance fair.  “Yo!  Wake up, Larpy!” he muttered, kicking the prone human.

Time trotted over to where Ken was kicking the fallen knight. “Can I help?” the pegasus questioned the bearded man.  At his affirmation, the mare turned her flank to the downed man and delivered a strong buck from her hind legs. This sent the man flying, but he still didn’t awaken. “He’s either dead, or just a heavy sleeper.”

“Heh. Nice buck, kid.” Cranky Doodle grunted. The donkey adjusted one of the many, many, weapons he wore on his back and trotted over to where the armored human had landed. He quirked an eyebrow at his still form, before casually slapping his helmet.

“Whahey!” He exclaimed, awakening with a jolt. “What’s the big idea, you jack...ass...?” He trailed off, before suddenly screaming shrilly and jumping to his feet. “Demon donkey! Stay away from me, spawn of Sata-oof!” The young knight careened into Ken, bringing both humans down to the dusty, sun-baked ground.

Ken shoved the newcomer off him and groaned loudly.  “Great!  I’m stuck in the Wasteland with a freaking donkey, an insane man-turned-pegasus, and Garfunkel the Wonder Larper.  What a good sign of things to come!” he yelled sarcastically.

The mare glomped the angry man, shouting, “This is gonna be so fun!”

While Ken tried to escape Time’s embrace, the armoured knight sat in confusion next to them.  Waves of confusion swept over him before he whispered, “My name’s Wes.”

“NOBODY CARES!” Cranky and Ken angrily shouted in unison.

“I only care if it has to do with cupcakes and sexual puns.” Time smiled wildly, everypony/body looking at him, “What?”

Brace yourselves.  Part 2 is coming.