Friendship With A Side Of Toast

Llama and Guru get ‘Swapped

or

Oh Penis, Where Art Thou?

Slightly based from the "On a cross and arrow" universe

by: MagicLlama and TheGameFilmGuruMan

“What just happened?” asked Jim, rubbing his forehead and bumping his hat with his hoof.  Wait, his hoof?  Bugger.  This couldn’t end well.He let out an exasperated sigh, before hearing a low moan to his left.  Turning to investigate, Jim found a teal pegasus mare with a red mane sprawled at the base of a tree.  She looked familiar somehow, but why?

“Are you OK?” Jim asked, then realized what a dumb question that was.  She obviously wasn’t ‘OK,’ judging by the bump on her head.  Ouch.  That must have hurt.

Suddenly, the mare in question let out a long, pained groan and slowly flopped over on her back, all four legs awkwardly sticking up into the air.

“OOOWWWWW!!! What the F?!” she moaned.  She cracked her eyes open, wincing at the harsh light of the noonday sun.  Blinking a few times, she rolled over onto her side and stared at the grass, completely oblivious to the pony awkwardly sitting next to her.  “Outside.  Headache.  Sun hurts.  Ouch again.  My nose feels funny.  Huh?” she mused.

“Do... I know you?” asked Jim.  “You look kinda familiar.”

The teal mare’s ears shot upright, and she twisted around to see the speaker.  When she finally saw him sitting there, her eyes bugged out of her head.

“AAAHHHH A TALKING PONY!” she screamed hysterically.

“Speak for yourself,” muttered Jim.  “You’re one, too.”

The mare froze, then slowly looked down at herself.  Her mouth dropped open and she took a deep breath in preparation for more hysterical screaming.

“Don’t start bloody screaming again, gosh dang it!” yelled Jim at the mare.  “My ears can’t take any more.”

The pegasus sputtered as the shriek died halfway out.  She looked down at her haunches, carefully and deliberately maneuvered her new body into a sitting position, then crossed her arms and darkly pouted.

“You look ridiculous like that, you realize,” said Jim, facehoofing.  “How does this even happen?  One moment I’m a normal human going to work, the next...”

“Wait. You’re a human, too?” she asked.

“I was.  Then poof, I’m a pony.  Do I know you?  You look really familiar.”

“I... don’t see why I would. Since I’ve been a pony for all of... however long I was unconscious. I was just minding my own business, when BAM! I’m on the ground! With four legs and a tail!”  She paused. “...A tail...”

“Let me guess, you’ve always wanted one,” said Jim dryly.

“It’s like a whole nother limb! I can do stuff with it! Like flick it around a bunch!” She flicked her tail against her side and giggled. “It tickles, too!”

“Well hooray for you, Miss Flicksalot.  Let’s just ignore the fact that we’re stuck here in the land of magical talking ponies, and-”

“But-!”

“Gah!  I can’t even rant vaguely sarcastically.  Who are you anyway?”

“I am a complex being! One of many titles! Distant galaxies-”

“Shut up.  Now try it again without the blasted title sequence.”

She wilted. “Uh... well... on the internet, they call me MagicLlama...”

Jim spluttered incoherently before shouting, “What?!  That can’t be right.  What the hay is going on?!?!  But that means...  There can’t be two... The odds that two people from the same silly forum about ponies end up as ponies, is...is... Gahhh!!”

The mare froze, ears twitching and eyes widening in shock. She leaned in closer, squinting critically at the stallion before her. Then her eyes widened in a flash of recognition.

“...Chaos?”

“NO!  Guru, you dunce.  And why the heck are you a mare?  I thought you were a guy.  I even talked to you on a video skype call!”

“Oh, don’t be silly! I’m not a mare, I’m a... I’m... a...”  She froze, then unceremoniously shoved a hoof between her hind legs and groped around, eyes widening in horror.

“Just be glad you aren’t stuck with Time.”

But Llama was deaf to the world. Her eyes began to tear up, and she collapsed onto her side with a Littlepip-esque bleating noise. She sniffled a few times, then began bawling loudly, the way only girls can.

Jim looked awkwardly at the bawling mare.  “Er...um...nevermind.”  He couldn’t relate at all.

“You... you don’t understaaaand!!!” she choked out.  “I wanted to have kids the EASY WAAAAAY!”

“Dude, this isn’t cool.  No guy should have to suffer this... except maybe child molesters.”

Llama eventually cried himself (herself?) out. She sniffed and slowly sat up, wiping away tears, and blinked at Guru.  “Wait... how come you’re still a guy?”

“How come we’re ponies?  I dunno!  I woke up, like, a minute before you.”

“Okay. Let’s... let’s try... to be logical, here,” the pegasus mare sniffed. “I’m a girl pony. You’re a guy pony. We know each other online. We... might be in Equestria. I can’t tell. We don’t know how we got here. Does that sum it up?”

“Pretty much, except that we look like our OC’s and for some reason I still have my hat.”

“Ooh, so I’m Thunderbreeze! ...Except a girl. I need to think up a Rule 63 name for myself...” she murmured.

“Thunderbreezette?  Oh, and you’re missing your trollface cutie mark.”

She blinked, then spun about and stared at her ass flank. Then she shrugged, before dramatically throwing up her hooves and screaming to the heavens, “NOOOOOOO!!! My cutie mark that I never actually haaaaaadddd!!!”

“I’d smack you, but I don’t hit girls.  Do you count as one, though?”

“If it’s debating about whether to hit me, then yes, I count as a gir- Ooh, shiny!”  Llama leaped to her hooves and raced down the grassy slope, or tried to, at least.  She still wasn’t used to having four legs, and thus, fell flat on her face. Guru wiped his brow and sighed as the disaster was averted.  Llama let loose on whatever land this is?  He thought, shuddering, before shakily getting to all four of his hooves and wobbling very slowly after the fallen pegasus.

“You idiot.  You could have broken your neck,” said Jim before helping the pegasus back to her hooves.  “Come on, there’s a road over there.  It has to go somewhere, right?”

As Jim and Llama walked, they found that the motion became more and more natural to them.  This is not to say that it stopped being challenging altogether, but the number of times they ended up sprawled in the dust decreased as the day continued.  The sun was just starting to reach its apex and their stomachs starting to growl when they saw a green sign stuck in the side of the road that read ‘Ponyville-  2 miles.’

“Well, at least we know we’re in Equestria now,” muttered Jim to himself.  “So, should we just go by our OCs’ names, now that we’re ponies?”

“Sure.  Whatever.  I’m huuunnnggrryyyyy...!” whined Llama Thunderbreeze.

“Yeah, so am I.  We don’t have any money, though, so even if we get to Ponyville, we’ll be stuck.”

“Pssh, don’t worry about it!” the teal mare scoffed.  “I’m a girl now!  I’ll just use my feminine charms to seduce somepony into giving us some food.”

“You?  -snerk-  I suppose it’s worth a shot, but still!”  Guru bent over in silent laughter.  “Besides, Ponyville is, like, mostly mares.”

“Exactly! Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I have to stop liking them!”  She paused, eyes widening. “Oh my god, I’m a lesbian!  Yes!  I’ve always wanted to be a lesbian!”

“Remind me to sock you once you return to normal.  You’re assuming that Ponyville has more lesbian mares than stallions you could seduce.  If anything, I should be doing the seducing, considering the population make up.”

“Dude, think of the fanon! According to bronies, every single pony is bisexual!”

“Not all the bronies, dude.  Besides, it’s just fanon with little to no evidence at all from the show.  In all likelihood, certain bronies are just idly fantasizing and your idea is sunk.”

“I can still dream!”

“Yeah, whatever.  Hey, maybe we should get ourselves arrested, then we’d get food and a place to sleep for free!”

“Hey, remember, this is canon Equestria. You said it yourself. Since there’s no law enforcement in the show, that means there isn’t any here, by your logic!” She stuck her tongue out at him.

“Appleloosa has a sheriff, ha!”

“Yeah, well your mom’s a-!  Hey, look, Ponyville!” Thunderbreeze exclaimed brightly.

Indeed, as they crested a hill, the quaint little town of Ponyville popped into view, spread out across the small, shallow valley below.

“I’ll forget what you were about to say, but only because you’re a female now,” said Guru.  “Let’s see if we can’t find some food or something, ok?”

As they continued over the rise and down the hill past a sign that read ‘Welcome to Historic Ponyville, population 3252’ and into the town proper.  For some reason, there were a lot more stallions roaming the streets than either ex-human remembered from the show.  Still, it was Ponyville, and that in and of itself made the two ponies stand gawking at all the sites, smells, and sounds of what was to them once a cartoon caricature of a small town.

“You must be new here,”  said a stallion’s voice from behind them.

“Yeah, we seem to be getting a lot of newcomers lately, don’t we Harpsy?” said another voice.

Thunderbreeze and Guru slowly turned around to face the two stallions behind them.  They stared. The stallions stared back, quizzically. The teal mare glanced to her friend, then leaned over and muttered, “Dude. Is that...?”

Guru muttered back, surprise dawning on his features, “I looks like it, but... how?”

Thunderbreeze stepped back and did a full 360, taking another, closer inspection of their surroundings. Over there was a drunk stallion that oddly resembled Berry Punch. And there was a cream-colored stallion with a pinkish mane, selling roses from a roadside stand. And... ooh, there was a really ugly mare that kinda resembled Caramel.

The pegasus’ eyes widened, and she turned back to Guru.

“Dude? I think we’re kinda screwed.”

“At least some of your plan has more of a chance of working, though,” whispered Guru back.

“What? No! I’m not gonna seduce a guy!” she loudly retorted in horror.

“If you lovebirds are quite finished, would you like some help?” asked Harpsy.

“Buwhaaaa?!” Guru and Thunderbreeze exclaimed, backing away from each other in horror.

“Only couples whisper like that; we figured you were together,” shrugged the second stallion.

“But- he- we...!”

“We’re just- that’s not-!”

Harpsy and his pale friend snickered. “Oh, calm down!” the other chuckled. “We’re just messin’ with you.  I’m Babar, and this is my... friend, Harpsy.  And from those looks you had a minute ago, I’ll bet fifty bits that this is your first time in our little town!”

“Er, um, yeah... Hi.  I’m Gurumane and this is... uh... Thunderbreeze.”

“Thunderbreeze... no offense, but that kinda sounds like a colt’s name.”

“Er... yeah... uh, you see, my dad, he always wanted a little colt of his own, to follow in his footsteps as a, umm... hoofball player? Yeah, a hoofball player! But when I came along, he was just so stubborn that he-”

“You can just call her Breezy,” Gurumane cut in, chuckling.

“Oh. Yeah. Breezy. That’s me!” she blushed, with an awkward little wave and a death glare at Gurumane.

“Aaaanyways...” Babar slowly continued, “is there anything you two are looking for?  What are you folks doing in Ponyville?”

Gurumane and Breezy glanced at each other.

 “We’re, uh, looking for magical advice,” said Gurumane.

“Looking for food,” said ‘Breezy’ over top of him, resulting in an intelligible jumble of jibberish.  They glared at each other.

“You came all the way to Ponyville for... magical food?” snickered Harpsy.

Gurumane facehoofed.  Whyyyyy?!  He let out a small groan.

“Er, nevermind.  Where’s the library?” he inquired, as his pegasus companion scuffed at the ground, muttering darkly about her metabolism.

“Oh, here to see Dusk? Well, see that intersection over there? Just turn left there and the library’s in two blocks.  Can’t miss it.  It’s... a giant tree,” Harpsy cheerily offered.

Breezy and Gurumane thanked the two stallions, and trotted off towards the intersection in question. Once out of earshot, Breezy leaned over and whispered in her earth pony friend’s ear.

“Hey. I wonder if fanon works here, cuz if so, those two are totally gay.”

“Naw,” said Gurumane with venomous sarcasm through gritted teeth, “I thought they were European.”

And then world ended violently, in a massive explosion of confetti and pink-ness.

Gurumane plopped down hard on his rump in shock, while Breezy simply fell over, feet sticking up in the air.  As the confetti began to clear, the pink wraith carried within emerged from the swarm, bearing an overly-excited, possibly-sadistic grin.

“HI!!!”

Gurumane’s eye twitched.  Breezy’s legs twitched.  The shockingly roseate stallion stared at them expectantly, grinning madly all the while.  Gurumane tilted his head to one side. The frighteningly cheerful stallion mirrored the motion.  Gurumane’s mouth opened, and the Pink One leaned forward in anticipation, ears flicking as the entire square seemed to fall silent around them.

“...Hi?”

Then the stallion exploded into motion, sweeping both Gurumane and the semi-comatose Breezy into a giant hug as the town returned to its business as usual.

“Well hi again!! My name’s Bubble Berry!!! Everypony in this town is my friend cuz everytime there’s a new pony or in your case new ponies (that’s plural!) I find them and I say hi and then I throw a party and then they like me and I’m their friend, and it’s worked every time which you may have guessed when I said “EVERYPONY IN THIS TOWN IS MY FRIEND” just a few lines ago!”  The pink party pony paused to partake in a particularly prodigious gasp of air prior to proceeding.  “So, yeah. Basically? Hi’s. Party. Friendship. Everyone.”

Breezy shook her head rapidly, snapping out of whatever had stricken her.  “Did someon- er, somepony mention food?”

“Not quite, but there will be loads of food at the PARTY later!” Berry beamed.

“I’m not sure if we-!” Gurumane started, before Breezy slapped a hoof over his mouth.

“Aaaand when exactly is said party?” she inquired slowly.

“Uhmm... Ooh!  How about at 7 this evening?”

Breezy’s face drooped.  The pink stallion seemed momentarily confuzzled by this, until he heard the tell-tale sound of a certain mare’s stomach rumbling.

“Although... if you want a little sample right now...” he added slyly, turning to the odd confetti-shooting machine behind him. He pressed a couple buttons and turned a knob, muttering about “mixing up batter and confetti,” “what happened last time,” and “reversing the polarity of the chameleon circuit.”  Then he spryly hopped out of the way, and grinned at them.

“Introducing, the new... well, newly fixed... feature of Bubble Berry’s Amazing Welcome Wagon(TM)!”

“Uh oh,” said Breezy and Gurumane in unison just before a cake shot outwards and covered both of them with chunks of sugary goodness.

After a moment of stunned silence, Breezy slowly bent down and shamelessly licked a big chunk of cake off of her foreleg.  Gurumane gave her a look and shook his head in exasperation.  Why?!

Seeing his look, his pegasus companion gestured her head and him and tried to talk around another large mouthful.

“C’mon, try shome! Itsh delicioush!”  Gurumane winced as he was showered with partially-masticated globs of cake.

“Llama...” he muttered, but snuck a lick of cake off of his face.  His eyes widened.  “This... This is GREAT, Pinkie... I mean, Berry.”  He caught himself, but the damage was already done.

“You know Pinkie?!” yelled Berry Bubble in joy, suddenly inches from Gurumane’s face.  “This is amazing!  Is she with you?  Is she?  Is she?  Is she?!”

Gurumane attempted to back away, but couldn’t break away from the soul-piercing stare Berry had him fixed with.

“I... er... well...” Guru stuttered, not sure what exactly to say to the pony inches from his face.

“She’s not with you, is she?” Berry asked, seeming to deflate a little.

“Er, no.”

“Darn...  Oh well!” Berry said, immediately brightening, “At least I have you and your marefriend here to party-”

“She’s not my marefriend!”

“Sure, you just keep telling yourself that.  See you tonight!”  With that, the pink menace bounced away, leaving Gurumane sputtering.

After a moment of silence, Breezy slowly began “...Well, look on the bright side! This greatly reduces the chances of gross stallions hitting on me!”

“I don’t hit girls,” Gurumane muttered to himself.  “I don’t hit girls.  I don’t hit girls.  I don’t hit...”