Can't Snuff the Rooster

Can’t Snuff the Rooster

A My Little Pony and The Ranch Crossover

Chapter 2: Ch,Ch,Changes

The rest of the night was a cornucopia of nightmares, each one seemingly worse than the one before it. Which if what he heard was to be believed then it meant that he’d pissed off the one responsible for keeping bad dreams away. Still, it wasn’t anything that he was too worried about. Bad dreams were something that was expected after a long night of drinking. Usually dreaming that he was going to end up with his hand up a cow's ass for the rest of eternity tended to make some awkward and frankly terrifying dreams.

Slowly habits from his life back home kicked in and he found himself getting up before daylight. He stretched, looked outside, and took in everything before him. He groaned as he stretched, and in stretching he noticed something. Everything that had happened yesterday, the ending up here, which part of him wanted to believe that he was in a coma, and the stress of trying to figure out what was going on led him to not notice a few things.

Now that he was awake, stretching, he realized that there were two things that demanded notice at this exact moment. His eyes widened as he reached up and felt something feathery. He swallowed, closed his eyes, and shook his head.

“Come on,” he whispered hoping against hope that this would work, “Come on now, please wake the fuck up man. Wake up and be at home laid up.”

He opened his eyes and saw the same room. Finally he looked toward the mirror he’d seen last night and there on his back was two fucking wings. Both were stretched out, and he easily had a four foot wingspan. Memories of listening to his dad reminded him that the bigger the bird the bigger the wingspan was needed to give it lift. Somehow he doubted that a four foot wingspan was going to do much for him. He looked at his clothes. His shirt, which he’d apparently taken off during the night, seemed to be designed so that he could fit his wings through the back. It wasn’t a totally backless shirt, but it was damned close.

If this was a coma he wasn’t saying a fucking word to Colt or their Dad. There was no way either of them would ever let him live this down. He opened the door and saw a different girl, mare, whatever than had let him in the previous night. The other one was stockier built, more rubinequese than the one standing before him. If he had to make a guess she’d be about eighteen, if she was human, maybe sixteen, but regardless she was close enough to jailbait to just pass it on by.

Of course though she was wearing the “I’m down to bang” uniform worn by all girls that were down to bang, or at least where in his experience. Her t-shirt was a printed shirt with the logo for something called the Hayburger on the front. It concealed what looked like a pair of decent tits. They seemed perky, their nipples both standing at attention, and he could see that just below the shirt was a pair of panties. She sniffed the air, her eyes widening, and a sly smile crossed her lips. She moved, seductively, toward him, her eyes looking not at him, but rather at his package.

He stepped back, closed the door, and heard her on the other side of it. She pounded her fists against it, and then moments later it was quiet. He heard some shouting, and then the door opened. He watched as it opened, preparing to deal with the obvious crazy chick that had been standing there when the other one opened the door.

“Did you come out a moment ago?”

He looked at her, “I was getting up,” he said defensively, “What the hell is going on?”

She eyed him, “What’s going on is my daughters are in season, you cloud humping, empty headed, mother plucking, simple minded plot sniffer!”

Having been in multiple relationships, and most recently in a relationship with a woman that was a few years his senior, he understood that when a woman was pissed the best thing to do was to just let her vent. She glared at him, and then after a moment the glare softened. She breathed out, closed her eyes, and then shook her head.

“Look, my daughters are my life,” she said sounding tired, “Both of them are, and both of them need to experience life before some drifting on the wind stallion convinces them to bend over.”

She finally looked at him, “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to watch out for them, and while I can keep them occupied during the day, it’s harder at night. That’s why I said stay in your room until morning,” she said sounding remorseful, “Both of them know that you’re here now. So, you’re going to have to gather your belongings.”

He nodded, “Didn’t mean to cause trouble,” he said trying to apologise, “Honest, I really wasn’t, I’m just used to being an early riser.”

She gave a nod, “I get it, I really do,” she said sounding exhausted, “But I can’t be watching them every second of every minute. If you’re here then they’re going to make it their mission to get in here. They can’t help it.”

He understood where this was going. He gathered his shirt, the bag that had Mother Plucker on the front, and walked downstairs. She opened the door for him, and a moment later he stepped out. When he did, the door closed, and he looked at the mostly vacant streets before him. Not having a room sucked, but at least he had been able to rest. Besides, as far as he knew this was all happening in a coma.

If that was the case then it meant that somewhere deep inside of himself was someone that wouldn’t take advantage of a girl that was so horny that she’d basically try to sneak into his room and have her way with him. He stood there and thought about that for a moment. That wasn’t like him. That wasn’t like him in the slightest. In truth there was a chance that if her daughters had come in there during the night he'd have ended up sleeping with both of them. That was the kind of person he was.

The more he thought about it the more he began to realize that he wasn’t dreaming. This wasn’t some coma induced dream that he was riding along on. This was the kind of thing that happened in comic books, old television shows from the seventies, and things like that. It was far fetched, nearly unbelievable, and yet everything pointed to it being true. It was true. He wasn’t in a coma, and he was beginning to see that. There’d been a couple of guys back in Garrison that had been into My Little Pony.

One of them had actually been semi normal, or at least as close to normal as anyone in Garrison was. Now he wished that he would had asked some questions, learned about the series, and maybe learned something beyond what he’d seen on Rescue from Midnight Castle. If for no other reason than to make himself get in a little better with some of Pregnant Linda’s kids or some of Mary’s grandkids.

Mary, he wasn’t going to see her again. He was worried about her. Sure, they were mostly just having fun, but he could have actually seen them settling down at some point, or at least he thought that they could have. But she was there, with Nick, and there was no telling what that son of a bitch would do. Thinking about it now he wasn’t that worried for his dad or Colt. After all Beau Bennett had enough guns to supply a well maintained militia if he wanted to.

Nick wouldn’t make it past the front door before his stomach was pumped full of double ought buckshot. His running had been really for nothing. He could have went to his Dad’s place, let them know what was going on, and they could have handled it. Maybe he was pulling a Colt after all of this time, but that didn’t feel right either. Sure, it’d been all kinds of awesome to watch Colt struggle with being the only one there to help keep the ranch going, but he wouldn’t really leave them to themselves like this.

He looked at the bag of gold he had. That mare, the one that kicked him out, had charged him ten of those gold pieces for staying the night. If that was the case then it stood to reason that he had about six hundred bucks on him, and he’d stayed in a hotel that rented rooms for about ten bucks. He didn’t know if there was another hotel, but maybe there was. Okay, so if there was then he had what, two months worth of staying in one before he was out of cash.

That wasn’t going to work. He had to find a way of supporting himself. Of course the one thing he’d been raised to do was ranch. That meant mucking stalls, running fence, and doing everything needed to keep a ranch going. It wasn’t like there was a place around here that would be hiring ranch hands. He knew that horses would eat meat, after all he’d seen one eat a chick before, but he didn’t know if these ponies ate meat.

If they did then it would make things easier. But he doubted that they ate cows. There was a possibility of hogs, and a few other things. Working a hog farm didn’t sound like fun, but any port in a storm at this point, and at least it would be getting him paid. That was something he knew that he was going to need. As far as he knew that mare that threw him out ran the only tavern, so no working in the bar for the time being either. He did run his mother’s bar, granted there were issues with it, but he did run it. Maybe if there was another one he could at least work at it.

Besides, girls tended to be pretty friendly to the guy that was pouring drinks. He moved toward the town itself, and looked around to see the nearly empty streets. There was a large stallion, red colored, blond hair, and he had a cute looking mare near him. The fact that she was looking cute meant that his biology seemed to have been changed enough to accept that he’d be fine with trying to make a bunch of little foals.

The both of them wore what looked like wedding bands, and he realized that they had to be married. The stallion looked toward him, stopped and waved. He walked toward him and saw him standing there with a large cart of what looked like apples, pies, and a dozen other things behind him.

“See that ya made it inta town.”

He looked at him for a second, “Wait, you’re the guy that fished me out of the lake?”

The stallion nodded, “Eeeeyup, scared the fish away, damned shame, was hoping ta have catfish tanight.”

He looked at him, a smile crossed his face, so they did eat meat. That was good to know.

“Sorry about that,” he said, “Ummm, is there another place to stay at? I had some trouble at the Dew Drop.”

Before the stallion could answer what looked like four bat winged ponies landed. In the middle of them was the one from his dreams. Her chiton was as he remembered it, before he changed it into that cheerleader getup from Lollipop Chainsaw. She looked at him, her eyes narrowed, and he could see the pissed off expression from a mile away.

“Never mind.”

The mare neared him, her eyes full of anger, and the bat winged ponies surrounded her. He watched as they separated enough so that she could stand before him.

“Thou shall accompany us to the Palace, and at that time thou shall stand before our sister’s court. There we shall inform her of what thou hast done!”

He looked at her, realizing that there wasn’t a damned thing that he could say that would make this better, and instead resided himself to being taken. He felt two of the ponies grab him, and they lifted into the air. At the best of times he didn’t like heights. Being lifted into the air by his arms wasn’t the best of times. The sensation of his wings, of his new limbs, became even more apparent by the way they were held tight against him. The slight sound of snickering came from one of the bat winged ponies that was carrying him.

He considered saying something, but just as quickly he shot that idea down. Sure, he had wings, and it was obvious that the wings worked, but he had absolutely no fucking clue on how to use them. More to the point he wasn’t going to trust that whatever the hell brought him here left the instincts that he’d need to use those wings. If these two decided to drop him then he knew that he’d likely be fucked. Instead he stayed quiet, and in about thirty minutes the six of them landed outside of the Palace.

“Your highness, shall we escort your guest to the throne room?”

He saw the one he dreamed about as she shook her head, “Nay, We shall escort this varlet ourselves, and then we shall fully explain to our sister what he hast done!”

He was about to use the slight distraction to see if he could sneak out, but something lifted him. There was no movement, no new guard, but instead there was a blue glow that surrounded him. Moments later he found himself before another like the one he’d seen in his dreams. She was taller, easily reaching about eight foot tall, and she had the biggest set of titties he’d ever seen in his life. Beside her was another pony that had mustard yellow, dirty brown hair, and he seemed to be sitting in a seat similar to the larger one.

“Lulu, what’s going on?”

He saw Lulu’s narrowed gaze, “Sister, this varlet is a stranger in Equestria. We came upon him, dreaming of the humans like those which reside through the mirror, and his dream was a true nightmare. We stopped it, hoping to aid him, and he had the audacity to change our royal chiton into a.. We looked as though we were a street walker!”

The bigger one smiled, “I see,” she said as she stood, “And tell me, young stallion, did you do as she said?”

He nodded, “Uhh, sure, but I thought it was a dream,” he said before swallowing, “So, are you available?”

She looked at him, “No, I am a married mare,” she stated, “My husband sits there.”

He nodded, “So, is it an open marriage?”

She looked at Lulu, “Sister, I see your point,” she said sounding irritated before facing him, “No, our marriage isn’t open.”

He sighed, “Damn,” he said, “Although, once you’ve had the Rooster you won’t go back.”

She looked at him, the smile gone, and she looked more like his mother, “I see, I believe that I might have been incorrect,” she deadpanned, “I believe that you could improve your manners.”

She rubbed her chin, “As it so happens I believe I have a solution. There is a farm that has recently reopened near Ponyville, or rather from what I gathered it isn’t so much a separate farm as it a part of the farm that now grows pears. They are in need of laborers, and I believe that it would do you well to work there. So, as of this moment you are contracted by the crown as an official produce wrangler, and you are to report to Sweet Apple Acres. To ensure that you make it there two of our guards shall accompany you. Once there you will work a minimum of three months. We shall revisit this afterwards. I believe being separated from the clouds, and forced to live on the ground should go far in helping you learn humility.”

He grinned, not wanting to mess this up. He had a job, and living on the ground was fine with him.