The warm air whirled around Rainbow Dash as she zipped through the sky. Her rainbow mane fluttered in the rushing wind, and her wings flapped in a steady beat. The azure pegasus squinted when she made her way through the grey clouds, though this was purely out of instinct. The goggles covering her eyes proved more than enough protection against the water droplets smacking her face.
“What a fantastic day for flying!” Rainbow said to herself. “And as it is well known, loudly announcing how perfect a day it is will mean the day will continue to be perfect, with no incidents occurring moments after said announcement that comedically prove the speaker wrong!”
Nothing but the wind echoed around Rainbow after this statement was uttered, and the multi-hued mare smiled in self-assurance. She’d spent the last two weeks reading all those ancient histories of Cloudsdale, the political works of Noam Clopsky, and an assortment of Reddit posts. This meant that she was officially the smartest pony in Equestria, as well as the most beautiful and talented.
Though of course, she would admit, her marefriend Rarity was a close second in the looks department. It’d been one of the main reasons Rainbow had fallen so madly in love with her. That, and the fact that Rarity’s boutique allowed ready access to an assortment of mirrors into which Rainbow could stare to take in her own brilliance.
Oh, and Rarity being a wonderful pony who fully supported Rainbow and treated her very nicely also helped.
“Yes, sir-ree!” Rainbow said, flopping onto her back upon a soft cloud. “This day could not get any better! I’m sure even more loudly announcing the day’s perfection will not result in a conveniently timed pronouncement of concern that contradicts the aforementioned perfection!”
The sole sound of chirping birds below caused a contented sigh to escape Rainbow’s mouth. Everything had seemed so wonderful over the last two weeks. Her Wonderbolts training had been going smoothly, no villains had resurfaced to threaten Equestria, and those purple shakes from McDonald’s had only mutated fifteen ponies all total. It was probably the most peaceful period of Equestria over the last thousand years.
Of course, there was that weird moment two weeks ago where Rainbow crashed into a cave filled with a bronze statue of a bug-eyed human, fell unconscious for fifteen minutes, and then awoke with strange beings staring down at her, chanting in an unfathomable language. And after she quickly zipped out of the cave, she started feeling an urge for vanilla lattes and to argue about religion on the Internet.
But all that was probably unrelated to her current attitude. She obviously gained her new, enlightened self by being superior to the average pony and using her IQ, which rivaled Rick Sanchez’s in sheer numerical value, to actualize her true potential.
Obviously.
“Yes, it feels good to be an alpha mare and bask in my own self-actualization!” Rainbow announced to the world. “Such a cozied reflection shall not be interrupted by an inciting incident that the author is clearly dragging his feet in revealing so as to pad this short fiction’s wordcount and-“
“AIIIIIEEEEE!” A piercing shriek filled the air. Rainbow sat up from her cloud chair and peered down. The town of Ponyville stretched below her, resplendent in its rural charm. Based on the scientific principles of sound reverberation, Rainbow could instantly place the scream as coming from Rarity’s boutique, as well as knowing it was Rarity who had screamed by the notable octave the scream hit.
“Egads!” Rainbow pronounced. “My marefriend Rarity appears to be in a tizzy! As a feminist who respects women, it is my duty to see what the problem is and rectify it to the best of my abilities! And not for any misogynistic goals of romantic favors! My rainbow privilege has given me an unfair power balance in Equestrian society, and I shall do my best to lift up those who have not shared my societal freedom!”
She said all of this as she imagined Rarity showering her with smooches after the problem had been dealt with.
With that, Rainbow zoomed down toward Ponyville.
The boutique came into view in seconds. Standing outside Rarity’s boutique stood Rarity herself and Fluttershy. The former seemed to be shaking in nervousness, while Fluttershy looked into the boutique with mild concern. The front door was wide open, and even from a distance Rainbow could see nothing but darkness filling the establishment.
Rainbow came to a sharp stop in front of the two mares.
“M’lady,” Rainbow said to Fluttershy, tipping the fedora she was suddenly wearing out of nowhere.
“Hey Rainbow Dash,” Fluttershy said. Her voice was soft, barely above the whisper. It had been instrumental in helping Fluttershy establish her career as an ASMR actress, but frequently irritated Rainbow in its timidity. Real mares did not keep silent; they made their voices heard and announced their disapproval frequently to the powers-that-be. Rainbow made a mental note to give Fluttershy a required reading list of both nonfictional and fictional girl-bosses, so that she could better express her own truth.
“Rainbow!” Rarity shouted, throwing her marefriend into a tight hug.
“M’lady,” Rainbow said, nodding respectfully and tipping her fedora simultaneously so as to achieve maximum karma.
“Oh darling, it’s absolutely horrible!” Rarity cried. “That hideous thing has taken over the boutique!”
“I know,” Rainbow said solemnly. “Even in our matriarchal society, the forces of sexism find ways to take hold.”
“What? No, I mean an actual monster has taken over the boutique! A terrible beast with mandibles and claws!”
“Yikes!” Rainbow cried. “That’s not a wholesome chungus!”
“No, it isn’t,” Fluttershy whispered. “It’s a cuddlebug. They’re known for being bugs and cuddling.”
“With or without consent?”
Fluttershy grimaced, then said: “Depends on how cute they find you.”
Rainbow slammed her hoof upon the ground. “Cuddle culture must be stopped! Stand back, Rarity!” She pushed her marefriend gently away. “I will DESTROY this cuddlebug with FACTS and LOGIC!”
“Oh, thank you, Rainbow!” Rarity said, eyes filling with tears and swooning. “You’re the bravest mare in Equestria!”
Rainbow smiled, then tossed the fedora to her marefriend. “In case I don’t make it out,” she said. “I want you to have something to remember me by.”
“Don’t say that!” Rarity cried, grasping the fedora like a buoy. “I know you’ll vanquish the vile beast!”
Rainbow smiled. “I usually scoff at such things as ‘faith’ and ‘belief’…but I like it when it comes from you, baby.”
Rarity gasped and fell upon the grass in euphoric ecstasy.
Fluttershy smiled and let out a joyful, “Yay.”
A passing bus full of colts and fillies stopped, and its passengers stood up and clapped.
Rainbow turned to the darkened doorway, steeled herself by reciting Sir Isaac Neighton’s Laws of Motion, then stepped inside.
Despite the door being open to a brilliant afternoon, the boutique’s interior seemed darker than a night in the Everfree Forest. Rainbow could barely see five feet in front of her face, even as her eyes started adjusting to the darkness. Only her muscle memory of walking through the boutique at night (often to sneak a spoonful of peanut butter as a midnight snack) kept her from tumbling over the various tables and sewing machines.
Yet while her eyes strained, Rainbow’s ears easily picked up the soft skittering coming from the boutique’s display platform. Having graduated summa cum laude from University of Phoenix (at Flagstaff) and minoring in entomology during her entire tenure at the online institution, Rainbow recognized the sound as the beating of thin, plasticine wings common on insects.
“Yessss…” a hissing voice announced from the display platform. “Come closer, pretty pony. I can’t wait to snuggle myself into your pretty rainbow mane…”
Rainbow dug her hooves into the floor. “Not a chance, you creep! The mane is mine! It belongs to me! You cannot snuggle my mane!”
“Oh yeah, I can!” the voice called.
Then, to Rainbow’s shock, a soft glow filled the display platform. The greenish radiance did not shine from any of the boutique’s installed electric lights, but from the body of the speaker themselves. Rainbow gasped at the sight.
Before her stood a seven foot tall creature. Its body was unmistakably similar to a praying mantis, with long, jagged forelegs and bulging eyes atop its head. The other four legs gripped the circular platform and twitched in anticipation at the joints.
Rainbow’s initial fear soon wavered into derision. “Ha! I should’ve figured a chud like you was as ugly as you sounded!”
The cuddlebug snapped its forelegs together. “Your insults won’t matter once I’ve cuddled you to a pulp!”
“Try your worst, Bug-Boy!”
The cuddlebug recoiled. “I’m female, you insensitive filly!”
“Then put some pronouns in your Twitter bio! As for me, I’m going to send you back to the hole you crawled from!”
“Enough talk!” At that, the cuddlebug launched herself at Rainbow. The thrust proved fruitless, however, since Rainbow zipped up toward the boutique’s high ceiling.
“Hah!” Rainbow cried. “I should’ve known a bug like you would never-!”
The words died on Rainbow’s lips as the cuddlebug shot upwards at her, its own wings flittering in the darkness. Only a quick swoop to the side saved Rainbow from the grasping forelegs.
“Stand still!” the cuddlebug hissed, chasing Rainbow around the room. “You must be cuddled for your own good!”
“Never!” Rainbow cried out. Though defiance shook in her voice, Rainbow knew there was no way she could beat the bug by herself. The grasping forelegs would crush her in an instant, and whatever punches and kicks Rainbow threw would barely even register upon the bug’s exoskeleton.
Besides, Rainbow needed to bully old women for liking Olive Garden tonight, so time was short.
Glancing back toward the light leaking in from the opened front door, Rainbow made a dash toward it. Her best chance was to get out and get Twilight to help. She would be able to-
SLAM!
The light coming from the front door ceased to shine as the door swung shut. Rainbow twisted her body to the side, hoping to steer away from the blocked exit, but her speed proved too much to overcome (much like the author’s crippling depression). She smashed her side against the wooden door with a resounding thunk.
“Oof!” Rainbow cried, falling upon the floor. Not even two seconds passed before she felt a sharp pressure pin her head down and four appendages stand on her legs. Her belly flat upon the ground, she could do nothing but kick impotently as the cuddlebug stood above her.
“I’ve got you now!” the cuddlebug hissed.
“No!” Rainbow shouted. “Help, Rarity! Fluttershy! Get Twilight! And some chicken nuggies!”
“Oh, none of your friends can help you now. Only I can give you what you need.” The bug’s one free forearm reached down and stroked her mane. “Such a lovely mane…but alas, business first.”
“What do you-eep!” Rainbow felt the creature’s claw push down upon the back of her neck.
“This will get you loose!” the bug hissed. She then started to wiggle her foreleg along Rainbow’s neck.
“Heh,” Rainbow said. “S-Stop! That – hee – That tickles!”
“Good!” the cuddlebug chirped. “That means it’s working!”
“Hah-hah! Stop! I – ha ha – mean it!”
“Not until you sneeze it up!”
“Hee-hee! What do you-?!”
Rainbow then felt an enormous pressure building in her sinuses. Her head reared back involuntarily, preparing for a mighty sneeze. The cuddlebug lifted her limb off of Rainbow’s neck in seeming anticipation.
“Ah…ah…” Rainbow gasped, the pressure seeming to push deeper and deeper into her skull.
Just when it seemed like the sneeze may die, the cuddlebug delivered a slap to the back of Rainbow’s head.
“Ah-chooooooo!” Rainbow’s nostrils flapped together as the sneeze blew forward. Her mouth gagged open and her tongue hung loose. A faint whistle filled the boutique before the air stilled and the sneeze died.
Rainbow gasped for air, then gasped in surprise. Laying before her, covered in clear snot, was a small, pink larvae. The pupa looked like a croissant with each spasm that wiggled it across the floor. Seeing this, the cuddlebug lifted itself off Rainbow and skittered over toward the squirming figure.
“There you are, little one!” the cuddlebug said in a soothing voice. “I’ve been looking for you the last two weeks!”
“…So it was the cuddlebug larva that was making me act weird?” Rainbow said.
“Yes,” Fluttershy said. Both she and Rarity had entered the boutique, the latter holding Rainbow and nuzzling her mane. Fluttershy stood beside the cuddlebug in the now-lighted boutique. The larva wiggled in its mother’s forelegs.
Rainbow Dash sighed. “I should’ve known something weird happened to me in that creepy cave.”
“It happens from time to time,” the cuddlebug said. “Some pony wanders into our dens, accidentally lays near our nests, and our brood crawl into their ears. We usually chant gibberish at them to get them to move, but Rainbow here landed face-first and laid in a daze for too long. The larvae are attracted to damp, empty places, so Miss Dash’s head made an attractive roosting place for Junior here.”
Rainbow squinted. “Hey, what’s that supposed to me-“
“Well, we’re quite happy you stepped in, Mrs. Bug,” Rarity interrupted. “I knew something was wrong with Rainbow when she started ranting about teapots and spaghetti monsters.”
Mrs. Bug nodded. “Yes, it seems as if our larvae tend to give ponies inflated views about their own intelligence when they sneak into their ears. Fortunately, Miss Dash’s regular personality was different enough for Fluttershy to notice and alert me.”
“I’m just happy we got to her in time,” Fluttershy said. “I was honestly getting tired of hearing how I needed to switch to a non-gluten diet.”
“Huh?” Rainbow said.
“Yes, I’m afraid you were getting rather outlandish in your attitude and topics of discussion, darling. You kept trying to give Opal a second dinner so she’d become a… heckin’ chonker, I think you called it.” Rarity gave a deep sigh. “I thought you were going absolutely mad.”
“Why didn’t you take me to a doctor?”
“I did try. But you wouldn’t go. You just bought a bunch of healing crystals on eBay and read The Celestia Delusion by Hitchard Trotkins. You thought they would rid you of ‘bad vibes’.”
Rainbow sighed. “Well, at least it’s over.” She looked over at Mrs. Bug and pointed her hoof. “Although you could’ve been a little less creepy about getting your kid out of me!”
“Sorry,” Mrs. Bug said. “We worship Christopher Walken as our holy prophet, so our speaking style and healing rites may befuddle others.”
“Huh,” Rainbow said. “That explains the statue, as well as all those copies of Communion laying around the cave.”
“Well, I must be going,” Mrs. Bug said. “Junior needs to get back to his roost, and I need to eat his father tonight.”
“Huh?” Rainbow’s query went unanswered, for Mrs. Bug had already skittered outside and taken to the air.
“Best not to think about it, Rainbow,” Fluttershy said, patting her on the back. “Nature is fascinating, but only the hardest ponies can stomach nature’s cruelty.” A sinister gleam came to her eye. “Or participate in it.”
“Uh…yeah.” Rainbow turned to Rarity, who looked at her with shimmering eyes. “Anyway, thanks for saving me from becoming an insufferable know-nothing, Rarity.”
“Think nothing of it, darling!” Rarity leaned in and gave her a kiss on the nose. “I’d do anything for my little Dashie.”
Rainbow’s face scrunched. “Is that some kind of reference?”
“You’re going to have a little bit of Reddit-brain for a few days,” Fluttershy said, her eyes back to their soft sparkle. “Just rest and relax, and all of that will go away eventually.”
“Alright,” Rainbow said. She opened her wing and pulled Rarity closer to her. “I think I owe Rarity a vacation anyway. After all I put her through, I mean.”
“Oh darling!” Rarity squeed. She wrapped her arms around Rainbow and squeezed. “How about a week in Neighami? I hear it’s absolutely wonderful there in the spring time!”
“Sure!” Rainbow then paused and looked off in the distance. The unmistakable visage of contemplation filled the mare’s face.
“What’s the matter, Rainbow?” Rarity asked.
“I just realized something…”
“What?”
Rainbow’s face twisted into disgust. “The worm going inside your mind through your ear canal is a rip-off of Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan!”
Rarity sighed.
Fluttershy patted her back. “Maybe you should make it two weeks,” she said with a knowing smile.
Author's Note
Thanks for reading this dumb story. I'd had this idea about Rainbow Dash fighting a cuddlebug for some time now, and the Crackfic Storm provided an excuse to write it. If you didn't get some of the jokes, don't worry: a lot of these memes are more dead than Jimmy Hoffa.
