Kim Possible: A Sitch in Equestria

Rufus stomped angrily through the woods, his magical girl persona having faded as his angry frown stretch the tightened flesh back to its original elasticity.

"Diarrhea. In my mouth? I don't fucking think so..." he grumbled under his breath, while over his breath he grunted with exertion from the hike through this harsh landscape. The ground was uneven with tangles of roots and vines and thistled-briers threatened to bind him in place like a pathetic sheep, clawing at his fleshy exterior with every misplaced step.

Rufus really hoped he'd find civilization eventually. Crawling through the thick forest was giving him flashbacks of Nam, and every so often he swore he saw a Vietcong bush monkey hiding in a shadow, waiting to ambush him. When he'd turn to look, they were always gone. "Those damn Congs," he muttered, in a very poor mood.

This decreased only slightly as he broke through the tree line into a clearing, the trees falling away on all sides to reveal a massive opening in the forest. At the far side, covered in moss and vines, stood a monolithic stone pyramid. Each tier looked to be at least 10 feet tall and it rose a dozen tiers high. Rufus would have been impressed, but his impression gland had released the last of its goo when he saw the two asses of that chupicabra earlier. As it stood, he simple started walking, no better plan than to explore this new location.

Hey, maybe he could find some Mayan treasure. As he approached, the structure loomed, probably looking daunting as it cast a long shadow over him, but Rufus' daunted gland had run dry when he'd found out it wasn't real ham earlier. Before he made it to the pyramid's base, something caught his eye. Not literally, as that would be horribly painful.

He turned, seeing a small camp of gray creatures sitting around a campfire making S'mores. Rufus walked over, the slight breeze whistling through narrow gaps in his many skin folds, creating a sound like a falling bomb as he approached, and alerting the creatures.

They all stood up on four legs, each one far smaller than Rufus. They were coated in gray fur with wiry pink tails, and as they approached he could hear them chanting.

"Rats, we're rats. We're the rats. We prey at night, we stalk at night, we're the rats."

A big rat in the front of the column began his solo, "I'm the giant rat that makes all of the rules. Let's see what kind of trouble we can get ourselves into!"

They approached Rufus forming a semicircle that probably would have intimidating him if he had an intimidation gland. He didn't though... "You're the what now?" He asked the lead rat, who was easily twice the size of the rest, but still less than half the size of Rufus.

"I'm the biggest rat," she proclaimed proudly, "I'm in charge of this expedition. We're gonna get the Mayan treasure."

Rufus looked calmly at the large gray rat before slowly reaching out his hands and laying them tenderly on the other rat's cheeks. The rat's cheeks flushed, as she was clearly a girl rat, and Rufus is an absolute hunk. With a soft, loving twist of his wrists, Rufus snapped the other rat's neck with a single crunchy 'crack'. Like removing the lid from a jar, he gave a slight pull and her head dislodged, uncasking her juicy innards which sprayed like a can of snakes as the pressurized seal was removed, coating Rufus and the immediate area in pink grime.

"Look at me," he commanded the other rats. "I'm the biggest rat now."

With him the biggest rat that makes all of the rules, all the smaller rats were now naturally beholden unto him. With the pecking order, but not literally as rats don't have beaks with which to peck, established, one of the rats scuttled forward, pushing a pair of round glasses up the bridge of his nose. Catching the light like that one character who explains things in anime, his glasses briefly shone as he explained the situation.

"Naturally, as our leader, I should inform you that it's not actually 'Mayan' treasure we're after, but rather Ancient Vagyptian artifacts. Our research shows that this structure once housed many of their greatest Sciencologists and likely still carries some of their secrets."

Rufus put a claw to one of his multiple chins, rubbing his few white, bristled whiskers while in deep thought. After several moments he opened his mouth, "I'm not sure what the Ancient Vagyptians were up to, but there's only one way to find out." He turned and looked up at the slope of the pyramid, a steep staircase leading from base to top where there appeared to be some sort of entrance.

Without another word, he began walking, and his entourage of rats followed closely behind. As they ascended, Rufus couldn't help but remember that scene in Alien vs Predator where the swarm of aliens conglomerated to attack a group of Predators at the top of a similar pyramid and he chuckled at the absurdity of such a thing. "Like that'll ever happen," he chuckled, foreskinshadowing future events.

They made it to the top without issue. Rufus turned and looked out, surveying the land. The forest seemed to stretch on in all directions around him, and he briefly wondered if there even was a civilization with which to find in such a place. He was about to inquire to one of his rat underlings when he spotted a few columns of smoke in the far distance. It was impossible to know for sure, but to Rufus trained senses, he could guess it must be some sort of small town. Mentally cataloging the info in one of the many folds of his impressive brain, he turned and addressed the here and now.

Before him was a clear entrance in the form of an arched door over a staircase leading down. His eyes, however, were drawn to a carved mural on the large stone bricks that made up the entryway. On it were strange hieroglyphics featuring what looked like a great many vaginas as well as various other symbols.

The rat with the glasses moved up next to him, also inspecting the carving. "Looks to have been made by the Ancient Vagyptians. These carvings are clearly the form of the Vagyptians, an ancient race of vagina-like humanoids. Unfortunately, they supposedly went extinct over 2,000 years ago. It's theorized that they actually evolved into the modern Scroacher, the abundance of scrotes forcing a change lest the species die out. This is all speculative, however." He explained.

Rufus turned and grabbed the rat by his underwear and stretched it up over his head, giving an atomic wedgie that the rat dweeb wasn't soon to forget. "Nice lore, neeeeerd!" Rufus leered, the group of rats collectively laughing at the suffering of their companion.

His dominance again asserted, Rufus strutted towards the entryway, arms swinging confidently at his sides. To his dismay however, before he'd even taken four steps, an obnoxious cough from behind cut off his self appreciation. Rufus spun 180 degrees perfectly on the spot without even moving his feet.

"MMMMYyeessss?" inquired Rufus as he peered menacingly at the rats behind him.

The weakest, most loserly rat of all stepped forward.

"W-w-well your grace, not to point out the obvious, but this ancient pyramid sure looks d-d-dangerous." he stammered.

Rufus slapped his hands to his face in a mocking facsimile of shock. "Why I'd never even considered that this could be dangerous, thanks for the heads up," he muttered annoyedly, "you were going in with your old leader anyway, what's the difference?"

This time the nerd rat saw fit to open his repugnant jaws, clearly having not learned his lesson, even as he dug his underwear out of his ass crack.

"Our old leader was half your size, making tight crevice navigation a far more trivial affair." he lectured in as arrogant a manner as possible.

"I navigated your mother's tight crevice last night, how's THAT for an affair?" responded Rufus, quick as a whip crack sound from Johnny Test.

"Well," interjected a cool rat who was leaning against a wall with a leather jacket on and an e-cigarette in his mouth, "personally I think pyramids are pretty cool."

Rufus smiled, happy to have support from by far the coolest dude he'd met all day.

"See? He thinks pyramids are cool. And HE'S cool. You're not and you don't. What do you have to say about that?"

The nerd rat blushed beet red, not from embarrassment, but rather because he'd been so thoroughly trounced on an intellectual level, that his brain committed suicide and stopped accepting oxygen from his blood. In mere moments he was convulsing on the ground. Then he was unconscious. Finally, he was dead.

"I wish I knew his name so I could find his grave and spit on it," mourned Rufus.

"His name was mud as far as I'm concerned," replied cool rat as he leaned, epicly.

"This is such a drag," whined the weakest little rat, practically a mouse compared to Rufus, who turned and glared at the pathetic rat with all the rage he could muster.

"Listen here you stupid little shit, I'm not gonna put up with your complaints much longer," he screamed, harshly jabbing his massive fingers into the rat's tiny chest, "there's only two fucking kinds of drags around here."

And with that, Rufus dragged nerd rat's carcass into the entryway of the pyramid, while cool rat took a drag of his e-cigarette.

Elsewhere, a hearty orange horse wiped a literal gallon of sweat from her brow. It sailed through the air as a perfect basketball-sized drop and splashed at the trunk of a nearby apple tree.

"Ahhh, last one," sighed the farmer as she shut off her Earth Pony sweat glands. As I'm sure you know since you're DEFINITELY not a total fucking idiot, horses ordinarily lack sweat glands, opting instead to pant like the dogs they are, even though they're horses. By contrast, some Earth Ponies have sweat glands capable of producing enough sweat per day to fill an Olympic swimming pool.

"Ah sure do love sweatin' all over other ponyple's food," she remarked as she trudged her way through the now-watered orchard towards her simple barn.

Once inside, the humble farm pony set to work on replenishing her glands for tomorrow by preparing herself a nice glass of ice cold water. She sipped it greedily, somehow holding the cup. Somehow. It is very clever to remind people that ponies don't have hands. I was actually thinking about writing a Human in Equestria story where Lyra likes a person's hands. Sound original?

Once she'd finished sipping, she placed her glass on the table and made her way over to her fridge. Out of it she pulled out, you guessed it, a bag of sweaty apples, which she carried over to the tabletop.

Instantly her eyes fell upon the cup. The liquid inside was behaving very strangely. Ripple, then stop. Ripple, then stop. It was as if a tyrannosaurus Rex were stomping around outside her home.

She sighed and trudged her way outside, awaiting her guest.

She needed not wait long, as swiftly a form appeared in the horizon, steadily closing in and increasing in size.

She smirked knowingly, as the mass drew so close that details were starting to focus out of the blurry moving creature, a sparing glance being all she needed to confirm its identity.

Still, the blur careened directly towards her at frightening speeds, or at least frightening to a punk-ass coward like you. Finally it stopped short a mere hoof in front of her, taking the form of her beloved Touch Down.

"AAAAPPLEJAAACK," He sobbed, catching her off guard, as he shoved a twisted heap of bloody puppy limbs right in her face, "MEEPLES BROKEN!"

Applejack frowned forlornly, before giving Meeples a once-over. Broken was an understatement. As far as she could tell, if you put this smashed mess in front of a licensed vet, they wouldn't even be able to identify it as a dog.

"Oh mah stars, Touch Down, sweety, what happened?" Applejack questioned in earnest.

"SHIT!" screamed Touch Down. Unfortunately his well-trained body took this as another order, and his eager rectum blasted a veritable Kamehameha beam of shit straight out behind him with force that rivaled a fire hose.

"FIX HIM PLEASE! JUST LIKE PORCH!" Cried Touch Down as he bent down and placed his sobbing eyes on her shoulder.

Applejack was impressed with his vocabulary, the pain of loss had him speaking in sentence fragments, rather than single-word exclamations. Still though, there was nothing she could do, and she suspected that through the layers of irreversible brain damage, Touch knew it too.

"Ah am so sorry sugarcube, but that just ain't how the circle of life operates," she cooed, "but now that your diarrhea cannon has stopped, why don'tcha try and explain what happened while I dig Meeples a little grave."

Touch sniffled, but complied, overclocking his fragile brain so it had enough processing power for basic cognition. This process took tens of minutes, during which Applejack had plenty of time to grab a shovel and start digging.

"Shi-" began Touch, before his steadily overheating brain realized that were he to merely say 'shit' again, he would merely shit, again. He thought as hard as he could, buffering for a while as he saved up a few words in his cache.

"Shit from sky!" he spat, "FALL THROUGH HOUSE!"

The pieces were all coming together in Applejack's less concussed brain. Shit from the sky? That's ridiculous. Someone MUST have shat the shit. Even a fool like Touch Down knows that.

"Any other details big guy?" she requested in a soft, loving tone. Touch Down whimpered as he rubbed his temples, his simple mind nearly crashing in the wake of all this emotional and mental stimulation.

"Meeples broken," he muttered plainly after awhile, "heart broken too."

A single solitary drop of sweat convulsed on Applejack's eye for a few moments before being released, falling to the ground by way of gravity and not watering a single tree. This whole situation really hit home. After Whinona had her vital goo sucked out by a chupicabra, Applejack had had to bury the little doggo herself. And since ponies don't wear shoes, they haven't invented shoe boxes to make the disposal of pets quick and easy.

She trotted back into the barn and found an old, rusty shovel leaned up in one corner. As she came back to find Touch Down voiding tears and his bladder, she sighed. "Ah guess Ah'll perform the funeral rites mahself."

Touch Down sniffled, nodding his head and casting twin viscous streams of snot into Applejack's hair. Thankfully, Applejack is quite skilled at digging graves, having buried her parents, Granny Smith, Whinona, and about 30 other pets as she's a neglectful owner, so within mere minutes she had a 6 foot deep hole dug in the road in front of the barn.

Reaching behind her, she removed an old book from her tail compartment, and flipped it to a specific page. "Ah reckon it's time tah put Mr. Meeples in," she said gingerly, doing her best to tip-tail around her stallionfriend's newly-formed feelings lest he explode on her. Potentially literally.

Like a wax sculpture slowly melting under the ambient heat of a nearby fire, Touch Down's face wilted, the corners of his mouth sagging until they nearly touched the ground as grief overtook him. Knowing what had to be done, he gave his body a single command. "Touch Down," he commanded his body to perform his namesake, and with a grace of movement that came from years of training and belied his bulky frame, he overhand threw the destroyed corpse straight down into the hole with all the force of a Hoofegg superstar. The puppy cadaver impacting the ground with a wet 'thud' and ejecting a spray of partially-coagulated blood into Applejack's eyes.

The hole was dug and the body was placed. Going through her mental checklist, she realized the next step was to say the funeral rights, a liturgy to help send Mr. Meeple's thrice-cursed soul to Yifftopia, also known as dog hell. All dogs go to hell. Incidentally, Yifftopia is also Brony heaven as it turns out. She opened the book to a random page, and stared at it for a long moment. Despite being middle-aged, Applejack actually didn't know how to read. She wasn't about to let her sexy stud stallion know that, though. After all, she's supposed to be the smart one in this relationship.

She decided to just wing it, putting insult to the age-old adage 'aint no thing but a chicken wing'. "Our dearly beloved, we gather here today to condemn the immortal soul of Mr. Meeple's to Yifftopia, lest his wandering spirit come back to haunt the living as a spooky puppergeist. In Kami-sama's holy name we pray, amen."

"Amen," Touch Down commanded, and his body amened.

"Now thah that's taken care ah, how bou' we go wrastle us up some ice cream," Applejack supplied enthusiastically, knowing Touch Down couldn't refuse a good double-serving of green mint with chocolate chips. "Mah treat."

Touch Down clapped his forelimbs together like an enthusiastic sea lion at the zoo, its trainers promising sardines in exchange for subservience. His salt-water-saturated eyes ran dry as his tears evaporated, leaving white streaks of sodium chloride from duct to chin, and the snot ropes that previously tethered his face to earth like some slimy mooring quickly calcified before collapsing entirely into a cloud of green dust of which the pair eagerly inhaled for additional sustenance.

"Me... like Icecream," Touch Down supplied after careful thought.

"Ah know ya dos't," she nodded, leading the way towards town. As they walked along the road into Ponyville proper, Applejack couldn't help but think she was forgetting something. After a few moments the fleeting thought left her mind, though, and she continued on with her day, glad she was able to help Touch Down get over an emotional hurdle.

Meanwhile, back at the farm, Big Mac, Applejack's brother who was red with sunburn from another full day under the hot Baby Head Sun without any form of UV protection, trotted his way back towards the barn, a cart full of manure from the cow pens strapped to his harness. "Yep," he said to himself in homage to his sister. Long before Applejack was born, he had another sister, one he never told her about. Truth is, he stole his catchphrase from her, though she took it a few steps further, going as far as to combine three 'yeps' into a 'yep yep yep' of all things. Sadly, his father had murdered her.

With these thoughts occupying his mind, Big Mac didn't notice the large hole dug into the middle of the road until it was too late, and he fell forward 6 feet straight down. His neck twisted at an odd angle when he impacted face-first into a mulched pile of puppy pieces and he gasped out his last breath as the cart of manure crashed onto him, burying him in cow shit and filling the hole. He quickly suffocated.

Rufus took about four steps into the pyramid's entrance before stopping and turning towards his posse, who watched with anticipation from the doorway. "Well, what are you waiting for, a signed invitation? Come on, clearly it's not dangerous. I've already explored like half the building here," he exclaimed, exasperated by the pure cowardice of his rat party.

"A signed invitation would be nice, actually," one of the rats responded and the rest agreed with enthusiastic nods. Having heard enough to drive him into pure, unrelinquishing rage, Rufus threw the nerd rat's corpse angrily onto the floor in front of him. The body, already stiff from rigor mortise, didn't even contort as it impacted the stone floor with a defined 'crack' and the even-more defined 'creak' of an ancient, un-oiled pressure plate being compressed inwards. In a flash, the rusty blade of an axe swung from the ceiling like a pendulum, sheering the carcass in twine.

As the blade finished its swing, it disappeared into a crevasse in the far wall, waiting for its next victim. Looking around, Rufus spied dozens of half skeletons strewn about the room, realizing where they come from. "I guess it is true what they say," Rufus started with a shrug, "The Pendulum is mightier than the Swordulum."

With that over, Rufus took a step forward, completely forgetting about the pressure plate until it was too late. His foot pushed the stone slab down with a clean 'clink', having been recently lubricated by fresh blood. Rufus heard the telltale snap as the pendulum swooped from its hidden alcove on a clear murder run, out for round two, ready to spew HIS blood this time. He didn't even have time to scream before he was knocked violently onto the floor.

"Get down!" he heard as he fell face-first into a pile of creepy skeletons. Spook me sideways.

There was a distinct squelching sound behind him which sounded awfully like a heavy blade passing straight through the body of a rat. Rufus got up on his feet and turned in time to see the cool rat standing behind him. He looked to be completely fine, his characteristic grin stuck on his face as it always was, and his shades on despite being inside a dark building. He gave a single puff of his e-cigarette, a gurgling coming from his lungs and he nodded to his glorious leader and best friend, Rufus.

A moment later his body split perfectly down the center, the two halves sliding away from each other in opposite directions. Despite the atrocities Rufus had seen, many committed by himself, he averted his eyes, unable to face the carnage before him. If the trap hadn't killed him, the e-cigarette probably would have, but that didn't change how it made Rufus feel.

His voice took on a hint of malice, grief breaking away his normally-emotionless visage, "After his sacrifice... You still think we shouldn't explore this pyramid?"

The rest of the group looked down in shame, unable to connect eyes with Rufus. This was due in part to the fact that they were across the room from each other and eyes don't stretch that far.

Rufus turned and walked further into the building, descending a flight of stairs as his ever-shrinking gang of rats skittered tentatively behind. The group was quick to realize that the whole building was pitch black, but thankfully they could see just fine with their dark-vision (50ft), a rat racial trait. Rufus of course is a mole rat, so he gives even less of a fuck about all-encompassing darkness than anybody.

One thing he deeply gave a fuck about was Cool Rat. As he and the comparably pathetic remainder of his once-strong squadron trudged through the dry, abyssal stone cavern, that was the only thing on his mind. What a totally fucking awesome dude, and he was gone now.

The tears that streaked down his wrinkly wittle cheeky weekies trailed behind him as parallel saltwater rivers. Devastatingly thirsty, the fourth rat, a rat devoid of any memorable characteristics, bent down and sipped at one of the twin trails of tears. His tongue was instantly beset by a horrible burning sensation, the PH levels of Rufus's tears making them poisonous to consume.

Rufus stopped crying immediately and turned to the bland rat that had been foolish enough to try leeching off his sadness for sustenance. The wetness of his eyes had completely dried, evaporated by the heat of this new rage, and for a moment his harsh gaze was snuffed out in a puff of mist.

"What the fuck did you think would happen you bland scumbag?" whispered Rufus, his anger almost manifesting itself as unsettling calm.

"I'm sorry, I was thirsty." replied the bland rat, ordinarily.

Rufus cringed, this rat was by far his least favorite. Every other rat had a defining characteristic that made them them. Nerd Rat had been an infuriating know-it-all. The big, beautiful rat had been positively enormous, a trait Rufus could appreciate, as not only was he a large mole rat, but he was now the biggest rat of THIS ever-dwindling pack.

Then, of course, there was the finest rat that Rufus had ever known.

"I can't believe someone as bland as yourself would have the gall to sup the tears I was shedding over a dead best friend." Rufus remarked, "a friend who SACRIFICED himself like that."

"I've been thinking about that actually," chimed weak rat, "I don't think the large pendulum blade cutting him in half was what killed him."

Rufus merely stared at the weak rat with half-lidded eyes.

"I'm serious, think about it, Cool Rat was constantly vaping and puffing e-ciggs, maybe he died from popcorn lung."

That was something Rufus hadn't even considered. Had Cool Rat died of a vape-related illness mere attoseconds before being sliced in half? The more he thought about it, the less it made sense, but when he stopped thinking about it, it made PERFECT sense.

While Rufus was having his mind blown by the epic facts, his highly acidic tears that were strewn about the floor had been happily munching away at the decrepit inner masonry of the colossal architectural achievement.

Like a floor foolishly constructed from saltine crackers, the stone beneath them crackled, causing all three rats and rat-like beings to stop dead in their tracks.

"I saw something like this in Journey to the Center of the Earth starring Brendan Fraser," lectured Rufus to his two remaining henchmen. If you could call them that, I've never seen them hench even one time.

"I've only seen the sequel with The Rock in it." retorted the bland rat that was so ordinary, even his place in the rat pecking order was and always had been, directly in the middle. Now here he was, middle ranked again, pissing Rufus off AGAIN.

"That doesn't surprise me in the least, only someone as bland as you would watch a movie featuring that Thumb-Thumb." sneered Rufus, "Anywhom, all that matters is that nobody has a rock fall out of their backpack and straight through the floor, lest we follow it."

Bland rat peered sheepishly at the backpack full of rocks that he'd been carrying along with him this entire time. As if by the will of Allah, a single, medium-sized rock, as indescribably non-suspect as the rat that lugged it, was teetering on the brink of falling out of his backpack. Instinctively he thrust his hand toward it in an attempt to save himself and the weakling rat. Not Rufus though.

Unfortunately for himself and weak rat (also Rufus) his hand collided with the stone instead of grasping it. The trio looked, helpless and horrified, as the rock soared through the air and hurtled toward the ground.

It collided, not with the dull 'clack' that one would expect of a rock hitting the ground, but rather with a sharp "crack" that made Rufus's bristly neckhairs stand on end. There the rock sat, momentarily embedded in the thin, meager layer of stone beneath them.

The two rats sighed, relieved, but Rufus knew better.

"Before we hurtle downward at approximately 9.8m/s^2 I just want you to know that you're the most disappointing creature I've met since I got here," stated Rufus as matter-of-factually as he could. The rat scarcely had time to hang its head in shame before all at once, the floor gave way, practically turning into gravel right underneath their feet. Mmmm, feet.

As he free-fell through empty darkness, a variable rain of gravel and two screaming nobodies his only companions on this trip into the void, Rufus began to twirl backwards, back-flipping in a display of acrobatics that I've never seen in all my days. My god, Rufus just did a QUAD back-flip. Jesus Christ, I didn't think it was possible. With trained precision, his spinning accelerated until he was doing multiple rotations a second. At such speeds, the folded wrinkles of his back were displacing large amounts of air with a rhythmic thumping of atmosphere suddenly being compressed and forced to move at high speeds to fill a vacuum.

As his companions reached terminal velocity and rocketed past him into the darkness, Rufus reached Terminal Slowocity, his spinning providing enough lift to allow him to levitate. He spun, completely still in place for a few moments aside from the revolutions, counting the seconds as he listened past his booming flabs for the inevitable sound.

'Crunch'!

There it was! In extra small font, but he was able to hear it all the same. That meant there was a floor, and by his math it was approximately 200 feet below him. It seemed this pyramid descended into some kind of underground chamber if the fall was this long.

In one swift motion, Rufus stopping spinning and spread his arms out, the skin draped across his wire-frame stretching and catching enough air to parachute him into the darkness. Except it wasn't darkness as Rufus could see everything.

He was in a massive open chamber, at least a hundred feet on all sides, leading down into the cavernous pit he was feathering towards. It seemed weird to Rufus for someone to build a pyramid that was about 95% empty space, but then again he's no engineer.

He drifted for another five minutes before landing near a plinth at the very bottom of the drop. His feet splashed in something viscous, and Rufus was able to easily identify it as the liquefied remains of his two previous rat underlings. With a discerning eye, he differentiated the remains of one rat from another, and leaned down, lapping up some of Bland Rat's pulped corpse, retaking his stolen nutrients and magic.

Rufus stood to his full impressive height, his spinal cord uncoupling to allow his body to grow further erect, ramrod straight, stretching about three times that of normal. This tall, his skin was almost smooth on his torso, allowing an onlooker to identify his succulent tootsie-roll-like nipples, normally hidden away in folds, and large amount of dust, dirt, detritus, debris, and dirt fell away, no longer being held in.

He did a full 360, taking in a view of his entire surroundings and forming a spherical image in his head like one of those Google Vans. With that finished, he grew flaccid once more, each segment of his spinal cord locking into place with perfect precision and his skin folding back on itself. Not wasting any time, Rufus dropped to his knees and began shoveling the piles of skin-fold litter back into his flesh pockets. There's no telling when that could come in handy!

He was done before too long. His webbed claws, having evolved for digging holes, made excellent shovels. Standing back up, he turned to the plinth near him, as it was the only thing of note he'd spotted in his quick search. Now that he observed it in detail, it looked to be some form of obelisk, covered head-to-metaphorical-toe in Ancient Vagyptian Hieroglyphs. Despite that, he couldn't make heads or toes of them xD.

With a shrug, Rufus was about to turn to leave, when a voice from the obelisk caught his attention as though it were a Rufus-sized net.

"Wait, don't go." It commanded.

Rufus' normally-calm demeanor turned sour as though he'd just snorted lemon juice, and he turned and weapons-locked his eyes onto the obelisk, ready for kill. "You dare command me!?" He shrieked.

"Not command," the obelisk reprimanded, "simply implore. Surely you are the one the prophecy has foretold."

This was the first he'd heard of a 'prophecy' and Rufus was immediately intrigued, his eyes lighting up like a lighthouse beacon to sailors on a dark night. He began shaking as his desire to know more intensified.

The obelisk was able to read him like a book. Rather ironic for someone covered in hieroglyphs, don't ya think? "Indeed, the prophecy tells of a heroic stranger with folds that can rival even that of the Ancient Vagyptians. One that could pass our test of free fall that I, THE LAST CENTIPEDE, might pass judgement."

"So this entire pyramid was just a fall-trap test?" Rufus observed, "very intelligent!" he continued, praising the Ancient Vagyptian's ingenuity and foreskinthought.

"Indeed again. Now, I will scan you with my Ancient Vagyptian laser beams, and should I deem you unworthy, I will vaporize you with those very same laser beams." THE LAST CENTIPEDE explained as its entire obelisk form began glowing with a red light.

"Will it hurt when you blast me with those lasers?" Rufus wondered.

"It will be excruciatingly painful..." The obelisk replied.

"You're a big guy," he interjected.

"...For you," it finished.

After a moment more of charging, the obelisk blasted him with enough radiation to cook an African White Rhino(if they weren't already extinct due to poaching). Rufus' bones flashed through his skin as the lasers penetrated every nook and cranny of his body, exploring his crevices with an intimacy only a laser could know. Thankfully, naked mole rats are incredibly resistant to radiation if Fallout is to be believed, and he was totally fine.

The laser scan finished, and the obelisk lit up, this time with party lasers, shooting a multi-colored design into the air. "Conglaturatio n!" he conglaturated, "You have passed the test!"

"What exactly was the test?" Rufus queried, a little confused by the whole encounter.

"Heck if I know," The Last Centipede admitted, "I wasn't sure what to do so I just blasted you with some lasers. You were fine so I guess that means you're the chosen one."

"Fair enough," Rufus conceded with a shrug, the skin on his arms creating a gust of air strong enough to push him a few feet off the ground as he did so. "So what do I win?"

With multiple puffs of steam, the obelisk split at its seams, opening into a padded chamber where sat a curled arthropod with exactly 100 legs. It looked up at Rufus with multiple pairs of beady black eyes, its maxillipeds twitching adorably, as it answered in a deep voice. "The time hath come. I, the last centipede, disembark from my prison and will now grant you the ultimate power of the Ancient Vagyptians. Insert me into thine Vagina and know divinity!"

Rufus bit his huge bottom lip with his gargantuan front teeth, penetrating it and releasing a trickle of puss that sizzled from exposure to outside air as it cascaded down his chin. "I don't have a vagina," Rufus admitted abashedly, ashamed by his anatomy for the first time in his life.

"NANI!?" The Centipede yelled, the word echoing in the chamber for a few seconds. "How can this be? You're the chosen one!" He questions, turning and skimming over the hieroglyphs on his container, searching for answers.

"I can stick you in my ass," Rufus offered.

"Not a chance," the last centipede insisted, "if you put me in your ass I won't be able to help myself from devouring your succulent meat. I'll consume a swathe of destruction from asshole to forehole."

Rufus knew this to be false, as the acids in his colon were powerful enough to melt steel, and would make quick work of this insect, but he kept quiet. "So what, we're at an impasse?"

The centipede was silent for a moment, presumably in deep thought, before responding, having gotten an idea. An awful idea. The Last Centipede got a wonderful, awful idea. "If you don't have a vagina, we can just steal one instead!" With another release of steam another hatch opened in the obelisk, this time revealing a strange device. "The Transvaginator, one of the Sciencologists' greatest creations. Simply fill the dispenser with transvaginal mesh, then apply the nozzle to a vagina, and presto majesto, you've got yourself a vagina in the vaginal holding cell inside." He explained, pointing at the different parts. "This will hold the vagina and full vaginal canal in stasis until its time to attach it to yourself. That part I can help with."

"An excellent idea," Rufus smiled, happy that his fantasies of becoming a little girl might finally come true. "Now where do we find a vagina?"

The Centipede shrugged, "Heck if I know, I've been in this obelisk for like 2K19 years. That parts up to you."

Rufus put a hand to his chin, thinking of where he could find a vagina. Then he remembered the smoke he'd seen on the horizon. If there was society, there was bound to be a vagina somewhere, right?! "I think I know where to go," Rufus said with a smile, grabbing the centipede and storing him in one of his folds. The centipede was completely at home in his wrinkled exterior, and was able to crawl through his chasms with ease, finding his way to Rufus ear-hole.

"By the way, my name's Ots'ethe (Oats-Eath, it's ancient vagyptian, give me a fucking break)," I look forward to a long and productive relationship with you, it centipede smiled with a centipede blush.

"Yeah, my name's Rufus. Now let's blow this joint." Doing a few laps to gain lift, he began flapping his arms, propelling himself in a spiral upwards.