Kim Possible: A Sitch in Equestria

“Yep, that’s definitely a bomb,” Twilight confirmed for the fifteenth time in as many minutes. She’d spent this time staring intently into Celestia’s gaping anal cavity, commiting its every nook and cranny(more like fanny xD) to memory. With her PHD in both gynecology and Bombs, she hardly needed such an indepth look, and had already confirmed beyond a shadow-of-a-doubt what the object was, but she’d be remiss to waste such an opportunity to scout out her main adversary for complete domination of the pony regimen.

“Are you gonna be all day?” Celestia questioned, even with her near-godly colon control, her innards were starting to dry up like a week-old tissue I’ve cummed into not once but twice due to a shortage of said tissues. “Is it a bomb or not?”

“It’s a bomb alright,I even already fucking said that.” Twilight Sparkle, purple pony, and also a female AND Princess Celestia’s protege replied.

“But just to be sure, I’d better clean some of this debris to get a better look.” No way was she going to pass up a chance to consume Celestia’s shit for a change. Usually, it was the other way around.

Twilight procured a polished mahogany box from under her bed via her really awesome magical powers which she has. She’s also THE Element of Magic and there’s 5 other Elements; Honesty, Kindness, Generosity, Friendship, and Rainbows, not necessarily in that order, though. With all six elements combined they could shoot a sonic rainboom that could turn even a chaos GOD to stone. Pretty sweet, right?

She opened the box with magic, and pulled out one of her key feces-consuming implements: A plastic bendy straw. She bent the tip with magic as she lined it up with Celestia’s asshole, and the telltale crinkling of plastic drew Celestia’s attention.

“Was that a plastic bendy straw I heard?” she questioned, “I thought those were outlawed.”

“Only in the state of Califormareia where they’re known to cause cancer.” Twilight explained, always full of knowledge like the EGGHEAD that she is, but not literally. Were her head literally an egg, it would have certainly cracked open on one of her many dangerous adventures. No doubt the end result of such a catastrophe would be Twilight's brains getting slurped up by a struthiomimus.

“But I thought they killed sea turtles too,” Celestia continued, “and were outlawed because sea turtles are too stupid to tell a bendy straw from a jellyfish.”

“That’s just a myth,” Twilight shot back, “sea turtles are some of the smartest animals next to pigs and rats. They’d never be dumb enough to eat plastic. Those commercials on the HV of sea turtles with straws in their nose are made by companies that want to see the bendy straw megacorporation suffer, and the turtles used are all paid actors.”

“Oh, okay,” Celestia said, easing her bowels just a bit that she wouldn’t be inadvertently aiding in the destruction of beautiful animals, before reclenching them as she remembered that she cares not for the suffering of animals.

Unperturbed by these undulations, Twilight poked the straw’s non-bent end into the hole, carefully moving it over to a clump of what passed for Celestia’s pathetic little shits, and began excavating by sucking them up through the straw. They were small enough to fit through the plastic tube, and had both the size and texture of Dippin’ Dots.

To Twilight, a connoisseur of shit both fine and fowl, the miniscule fecal balls were surprisingly full of taste, and had a depth of flavor that made her wish she had planned enough ahead to bring a complimentary glass of red wine. She swished them around her mouth, noting a slight saltiness that made her think of caviar, but also a little hint of something else. It took her a moment, but she finally realized that what she was tasting was magic!

Twilight gasped, her face flush with excitement at this new taste, when Celestia turned and gave her a stern gaze. This was reinforced a moment later when the removed blockage allowed a puff of putrid gas laced with sparkles to squirt out into Twilight’s still-open mouth. She swished this new taste around for a few moments, before swallowing the whole mouthful with a content sigh.

“If you’re quite finished, I’d like your final verdict.”

Twilight gave another look into the cavity, ready to assert her findings for the eighteenth time, when she gasped again. This time from surprise, not shit. With the blockage removed, she could see that this wasn’t just a bomb, it was a thermonuclear bomb. And whatsmore, there was a timer ticking down!

“Ugh, how long until the end of the day?” Twilight asked rhetorically, as she knew the answer to such a question because she’s really smart.

“Exactly 14 hours, 21 minutes, 35 seconds,” Celestia replied anyway, confirming Twilight’s dread as those numbers aligned perfectly with the numbers displayed on the timer.

“This might be a problem then…” Twilight trailed off, thinking that perhaps this was her chance to usurp the throne. With Celestia exploded, she’d just have to get rid of Celestia’s retarded little sister, as well as the dozens of other half-princess abominations crawling around Equestia, and then she’d be next in line to rule. Then again, after a thermonuclear detonation, she wasn’t sure there’d be much of an Equestria left to rule.

After tolerating more than enough of Twilight’s shit, and she’d tolerated quite a bit of it both literally and figuratively, Celestia was done playing around, and asserted in a commanding voice, “I hate to be a royal pain in the ass, but this whole situation is a pain in my royal ass literally and I’d like you to spit it out already. What’s wrong back there?”

Twilight spat, then spoke. “This bomb is going to go off at the end of the day.”

As if that drama wasn’t enough, there was suddenly a loud knock on the door. Angry at who would possibly think they’re worth her time, Twilight teleported to the front door and stuck her horn in the holster, opening it. Immediately a pegasus, previously unable to enter due to not having a horn to open the door with, barged inside, at least having the decency to fly around so as not to rub his filthy non-unicorn feet on Twilight’s floor.

“I need to speak to Celestia,” he yelled urgently. He looked disheveled, and aside from that he had no discernable qualities worth mentioning other than gender.

“Wait, how do you know she’s here?” Twilight questioned, confusion momentarily overriding her frothing rage at this intruder.

“Because she’s like 8 feet tall and I saw her through the upstairs window,” he explained.

Celestia poked her head over the banister, looking down at the pegasus from above, her eyes glowing with primordial light, threatening to erupt forth as searing laser beams that would reduce him to so much ash. “This better be good, peasant.”

“D-d-d-d-d!” He stuttered, overcome by the sudden pressure.

“It must be morse code,” Twilight guessed, working out the pattern in her head as he continued to stutter.

“D-d-d-d-d-d-d!”

“This one’s defective,” Celestia deduced, “I guess I’ll just vaporize it.”

“D-d-d-deeeemons!” He finally finished, after no less than 15 unnecessary ‘D’s.

“Demons?” Celestia questioned, “What do you know about demons?”

“Demons in the woods! They killed a bunch of pegasi! So much blood!” He yelled hysterically.

“So?” Twilight interjected, “If they managed to thin out the pegasus population it sounds like we should be thanking them. Perhaps even giving them a medal. No one cares about a few nameless background horses.”

“Th-they killed Rainbow Dash too!”

Celestia raised an eyebrow, impressed that these so-called demons could best a main character. “Tell me, then, what did these ‘demons’ look like? And be concise with your answer lest I accidentally blink and release my lasers which will automatically fire if I blink FYI.”

Swallowing down his fear, and a few litres of musky, brown saliva, the pegasus painted a mental picture with his words.

“They’re big… Huge even… Colorful… Have HV screens on their tummies…” he listed, only to be cut off abruptly as Celestia finally blinked, unable to hold her eyes open any longer.

The pony had but enough time to comprehend his demise in the adrenaline-slowed moments it took for all moisture in his body to evaporate, leaving only a calcified outline where his shadow had been to prove he’d ever been there in the first place.

“Woops,” Celestia laughed, before contemplating this newest turn of events. If what that pegasus said was true, then perhaps what was happening with the sun had returned them from their ancient exile. She scowled, her face crumpling up like a simile that hasn’t been used yet in this story, and she turned to Twilight who was admiring the newest floor decoration in her living room. “Assemble the entire Equestrian Army. It looks like we have some demons to exercise.”

Rufus walked- an action I might recommend you copy did I think you still had the ability to locomote in any such way with the bulbous husk you call your body, you freak- through the woods- a place I’d recommend visiting sometime you pasty fuck- on his way to town- having an objective in life helps build character, even if that might be too little too late for you. He had a sleek coat of dried sweat that made him gleam in the small bits of sunlight that poked through the choked canopy, and he was getting quite hungry. He hasn’t eaten in like 4 chapters, after all.

“Boy, I sure am hungry,” Rufus announced, letting Ots’ethe, his Centipede companion and best friend in on his latest plight.

“Well you can’t eat me,” The Centipede replied, squashing Rufus’ idea to slurp the long arthropod up like a piece of spaghetti. “Besides, it looks like we’re almost to that town.”

Rufus stopped and looked around, noticing for the first time how the foliage had started to thin around him. He took a deep breath, catching a whiff of the distinct smell of horse feces as well as something else…? Apples…?

“I wonder if the people here still use horse-drawn carriages,” Rufus wondered, wonderfully.

“I don’t know, I’m just a centipede,” Ots’ethe answered, even though the question was clearly rhetorical.

As the pair traveled onward, they were greeted with the first signs of Equestrian civilization. As the lush forest gradually thinned and cleared, the trees became more sickly, and the fauna less numerous. In addition, pile after pile of horse feces lay scattered about the ground. It stretched across the entire rim on either side as far as they could see.

"I'm surprised I didn't notice all the shit I was stepping in the first time I ran into the forest," remarked Rufus as he looked down to inspect his feet which, sure enough, were caked in layers of shit.

"Well if we're going to make it into town you're gonna have to step in a little bit more." Ots'ehte mumbled back, stating the obvious.

"Don't threaten me with a good time." And with that Rufus stomped forward into the shit swamp delighting in the squishy feeling between his little pink tootsies.

His fun was over in mere moments however, as while the ring of shit that lined Everfree was mile upon mile in length, it was a paltry ten meters thick.

"Don't step back in it," ordered Ots'ehte, causing Rufus to bashfully turn away from the shit strip.

They wordlessly continued forward, Rufus not being in the mood to talk to someone who WOULDN'T let him march multiple times through a river of shit. As they soldiered forth, they swiftly found themselves in front of a rustic wooden fence, beyond which lie even more trees.

"What a refreshing change of scenery," mocked Ots'ehte as he rolled his eyes,"I was just thinking about how I'd never seen a forest before, oh wait."

"It's not a forest retard, it's an orchard," spat Rufus as he hopped the fence, "these are apple trees, and they're planted in meticulous rows."

"Well excuse me for being an ancient Vagyptian centipede who's been in one place for thousands of years. Let me just count on one maxilliped how many orchards I've seen. Oh yeah, one. Incidentally, I've also seen one forest and it looked exactly like this."

"It didn't look exactly like this," sneered Rufus snidely, as he stomped forward into the orchard, "Staying in that pyramid dulled your perception. We didn't find a single apple tree in that forest, and it wasn't blocked off by a shitty fence."

"I wish your mouth was blocked off by a shitty fence."

"Me too," Rufus admitted. Now released from the stuffy constraints of the forest’s dense foliage into the constraints of the orchard’s slightly-less-dense foliage, Rufus was able to pick up a new sound. A distinct sound he’d heard not too long before. The sound of horse wings. He turned his head towards the sky, spotting a flock of pegasi flying in formation, the sun glinting off their really-cool-looking horse armor.

As they flew by overhead they let their shit fall where it dropped, adding to the ring of manure, but they seemed intent on watching the forest so went by without giving him any problems. “Wow, horse birds. What’s next? Horses that kick trees?” Rufus commented offhandedly, getting a sensible chuckle from the readers at home.

“That would be retarded,” Ots'ehte replied. As you’ve probably realized by now, our protagonists are full of sexual tension. They’d better find that vagina, and fast!

Wandering through the trees, the first thing our pink protagonist noticed was a rather large tree house sitting, you guessed it, in a tree.

“What a strange place,” Ots'ehte observed as they approached, “this must be the town you smelled.”

“Don’t be absurdious,” Rufus replied, falling back into his habit of combining key words just like he did in chapter two (absurd + ridiculous in case you were wondering), “that’s not a town, it’s but a single building.”

As he approached, he flexed his eyebrows, pulling the flaps of skin on the sides of his face up away from his open ear holes long enough to hear that there was certainly someone, or something, in that there tree house. “I’m going to investigate,” Rufus continued as he approached, sweeping the ground with his eyes for traps but not literally.

He climbed up the wooden ladder, and stood before a small wooden door. Rufus waited a moment before he began sweating.

“I don’t understand,” the Centipede voiced, looking about as panicked as Rufus felt right now, “why does it not open?”

Rufus waved his hand before the entrance slab, but it neither reacted nor opened. “I- I don’t know… I don’t understand…”

“Rufus, why will it not open? This makes no sense!” Ots'ehte screeched, his tiny black eyes looking as crazed as a glazed donut looks glazed.

“This makes no sense… None of this makes any sense!” He was waving his arms before the door, but it would not open. “No… They’ll know everything now!” Rufus was on the onset of a mental breakdown, beads of sweat the size of field mice running down his skin like the mouse that ran up the clock, hickory, dickory, dock.

He was saved, though, as the door slid open, revealing a little yellow thing on the other side that looked at him with humongous eyes.

“Well Ah’ll be a canned hamb, ther’ really is sumern’ outside that ther door,” the little yellow horse SPOKE of all things. Rufus was disturbed, and had he never seen a talking horse before, he’d likely have screamed and then vomited. As it stood, he merely vomited, but his quick reaction allowed him to catch the bile in his mouth and he promptly re-swallowed it.

“I told you,” another one spoke from inside, this one orange. She then looked up and addressed him, forgetting her place as a filthy commoner. “It’s a little early for Horseoween, don’t you think? And what are you dressed as, some sort of giant, mutant leprechaun?” A fat, round white one in the corner of the room began laughing at the other’s apparent joke, spitting chunks of half-chewed Rarity chops that she’d found up in her mom’s room and had promptly started eating.

“Me like silly!” She burped out between bites, reaching into the large bucket which still contained some choice bits.

Rufus eyed the bucket enviously. “Hey, give me some of that,” he practically begged.

The ponies looked at each other before unanimously getting an idea. “Wha’ will ya gib’ us in return, mister?”

It took Rufus a moment to understand the retarded slurring accent from the yellow one, but he has a gigantic brain. In response he reached into one of his sleeves and produced a bong. Laugh out loud!

“Wow,” they all said in unison, “what’s that?”

“It’s a magic urn that makes magic gas!” He explained, handing it over to the nearest one, “breathe that shit in!”

“Will it give us our cutie marks?” The orange one questioned, during a cursory exam of Rufus, only to notice his sick-ass cutie mark as she circled him. She ran up, pointing at the large butterfly tattoo above his ass crack. “Wow, this cutie mark is freaking awesome!”

Rufus thought that over for but a moment, before realizing that yes, doing drugs would cause you to get a tattoo, or a ‘cutie mark’ as they were referring to it. Tattoos are signs of the devil.

“Why yes,” Rufus explained, and the yellow one, also known as Applebloom, by the way, put her mouth to the bong and inhaled deeply, sniffin that sweet air. Her eyes turned red and she was fucking high OMG!

“Dude, this is sick man!” She exclaimed, horse-handing the bong to Sweetly Belle who promptly breathed in the gas. If she didn’t have the munchies before, she sure did now! She began consuming her snack with a new gusto, but not before tossing Rufus a mashed chunk which could have been a Vagina at some point. Rufus didn’t pay any mind, though, as he caught the morsel in his mouth and swallowed it whole!

The orange one, AKA Scooterloop was the last up, and she promptly breathed the air. Meanwhile, Rufus was going straight to harder drugs. He finished tying the belt around his forearm before using a needle to inject the crystals directly into his bloodstream.

“Awww, that’s the stuff,” he exhaled as the crystals caused his fingers to grow longer. Then he thought about it.

"Say, I can’t really tell, but you guys are girls right? With vaginas?" All three of them nodded their heads vigorously, raising their tails to show off, and Rufus whispered to his centipede companion. “Well?”

“Too young,” he replied, “if it’s not fully matured then it won’t do.”

He didn’t want to live in an underdeveloped neighborhood after all xD. More importantly, he needed more room if he was going to fit the foosball table.

Within minutes, there was a cloud of hella dank smoke as the group hotboxed the bong smoke.

“You know, you’re hella rad, mister,” Applebloom said, her words losing the slur as she was a stoner now, not a hick.

“I know that,” Rufus admitted, only to slump his head, “but sometimes it can still be hard to motivate myself… Am I doing the right thing?” He questioned.

“Indeed,” Sweetly Belle exclaimed, the drugs having made her actually more intelligent which is an actual fact that the government doesn’t want you to know about weed, it actually increases your IQ, but that’s covered up by propoganda of smokers being dumb because big pharma controls the Jews in office. “You’re an outstandingly fine fellow and, had I a hat to tip, I’d do so in your general direction.”

Scooterloop was about to say something, when suddenly there was a great big flash, everything just changed, her molecules got all rearranged. When the light dimmed, Applebloom and Scooterloop gasped in unison, seeing that they’d gained cutie marks!

They ran over to each other and began miring. “Wow, my very first Cutie Mark!” Scooterloop admitted, “this is rap-radical!” She tried to turn her head, but couldn’t see her cutie mark clearly through the smoke.

Applebloom seemed to be having the same problem and could only tell that it was a word, and she looked at her orange friend. “Can you, like, read my cutie mark?”

Scooterloop leaned in and examined the cutie mark. “Sweet,” she said, “What does mine say?”

Applebloom looked at Scooterloops cutie mark. “Dude! What does mine say?”

“Sweet!” Scooterloop explained, “but what does mine say?”

“Dude, what does mine say?”

“Sweet. What does mine say?!”

“Dude! Tell me what mine says!”

Seeing that the other wasn’t going to tell about their cutie mark, the two began violently smacking one another with their hardened forehooves, a fight that Applebloom would undoubtedly win with her retard strength from wallowing in the mud all her life. That is, until they heard the sound of hooves rapidly ascending the ladder outside, and they both stopped and looked at the time.

“Oh heck, it’s 4:20 and my mom, Applejack, is coming!” Applebloom panicked, realizing she’d have to explain Rufus to her.

“I wish my mom, Rainbow Dash, would come,” Scooterloop moped, now sporting a black eye and bloody nose from her brief fight, and Rufus looked at her before pulling out the photo album he’d taken with his polaroid camera earlier, examining a few pictures of Rainbow Dash heroically being ground into a red Applesauce- a metaphor that’s appropriate considering the current location- under the sweaty feet of a purple demon. He resolved to mail them to her later.

Then, before Applebloom could even try to hide the pink elephant in the room, and Rufus, the door shattered into sawdust as Applejack bucked it. She stepped through the threshold, smoke and dust escaping past her into the outside world as she pulled a replacement door off her back and quickly slotted it onto the hinges. Then she turned and saw Rufus, who waved at her.

“What in tarnation?” She wondered, though incredibly loud. So much so that the words traveled for miles, echoing through the orchard. After a few moments the ground started to rumble, and Rufus got a bad feeling.

Before such feelings could be resolved through therapy, however, the source of the rumbling became clear as Horse Soldiers, these ones without wings, approached from all directions. Several then dozens of them appeared from the woodwork, gathering to the sound of a maiden in distress like flies to shit(a simile that’s apt considering the so-called ‘maiden’ in question). Within seconds, they’d formed neat ranks, standing at attention as a small battalion in front of the tree house, the crystals implanted in their brains requiring a command before they could act again.

There was silence for a few moments as the dust settled, and Rufus looked awkwardly at the assembled army. Doing some quick math, he was able to tell that there were 40 soldiers. There were forty soldiers. That’s as many as four tens and that’s terrible. Ots'ehte stealthily crawled into his ear hole and tapped a suggestion directly onto his ear drum, “Perhaps we should tread carefully so we don’t upset them.”

Rufus nodded, giving the Centipede vertigo. ‘Careful’ is his middle name, or was it ‘Tactful’? Either way Rufus stepped past a confused Applejack and out through the door onto the little platform at the front of the tree house and cleared his throat. He’d start with a joke as an ice breaker as everybody loves jokes.

“What’s the best part of dating a twelve year-old girl?” He questioned, receiving absolutely no response from the rows of soldiers, all of which stared at him blankly.

“In the shower, you can slick her hair back and pretend she’s a twelve year-old boy!” Rufus finished, expecting applause but receiving only pitiful cricket chirps.

“Tough crowd,” Ots'ehte replied.

“What’s a shower?” Applejack wondered from behind.

"A large flaccid cock that doesn't get very much larger as it gets erect." retorted Rufus, this time erupting both a colossal soundwave of booming laughter that threatened to shatter every eardrum in the vicinity except for Big Mac because he's dead underground from the horse soldiers, and also a blush from Applejack.

"I'm glad this is another funny villain like Discord," chirped one of the lowly Equestrian soldiers, despite not even being a horsebird, "Luna was a fucking stupid boring villain and I hated her."

"Villain?" Questioned Rufus, deeply offended, "I climbed through a green asshole to come here and save you ingrates!"

"A likely fabrication," mewled a bucktooth hick pony in overalls and a straw hat, a piece of hay sticking out of the side of his chewing tobacco-filled mouth, "as the head of the Equestrian Earth Pony Battalion I've been trained not to fall for the lies of criminals."

The bumbling, practically toothless fucking imbecile staggered like a crooked table towards his accused ner-do-well (more like MARE-do-well XD).

"We've got one main character missing and another confirmed dead," he sputtered almost unintelligibly as thick streams of grimy brown drool seeped between the large gaps in his few remaining teeth, "and here you are making one of OUR main characters cry out in distress. It doesn't take but a moment's deduction to realize you're the killer, and we caught you red handed."

"Dead main character huh?" Rufus empathized, "That's gotta be Pegasus Character. He was the only memorable person in that group of pegasi I watched get murdered."

"Oh yeah? You watched them get murdered? I definitely believe that instead of my heavily supported hypothesis regarding YOU being a killing machine." Spat the hick, rolling his eyes. They rolled for a dexterity bonus, but came up short, and his spit missed Rufus's face by a country mile.

Rufus glowered at the little puddle of spittle that rested at his feet, not a literal mile away, since a country mile is a fake distance, and I can make it be whatever I want.

"Now hold up y'all," interjacked Applejection, as she trotted in front of Rufus to shield him from the earth pony battle force, "Ah was only screamin outta surprahs. This here critter was alone with mah kin, and she ain't even dead er nuthin."

The drooling bucktooth hick(not Applejack) recoiled in shock, having finally been countered with an unassailable rebuttal.

"W-w-well-"

"Indeed," added Sweetly Bells, "in fact, since this creature arrived, my cognition has improved immeasurably."

"And like, ever since he got here, my totally stupid accent got replaced by this new tubular one, dude." Supplied Applebloom.

"In addition, I'm here." stated Scooterloop.

"Yo Ots'ehte, check out the vagina on that horse." whispered Rufus as the horses all argued in front of him. He pointed a claw directly towards Applejack's hindquarters, upon which Ots'ehte gazed.

Were he capable, the little centipede would've started profusely perspiring. In front of him was quite possibly the most beautiful vagina he'd ever seen, and he's a several-millennia-old being who lived among the Vagyptians! Gadzooks!

"That's….that's... "

Rufus smiled, "That's the vagina?"

"Quite." muttered Ots'ehte, blushing.

"Well the transvaginator is too slow for me to merely steal it, I'll have to come up with some sort of plan."