Kim Possible: A Sitch in Equestria

Twilight Sparkle is, among other things, a purple horse at the best of times. At this time, however, she was all that and more. ‘More’ of course referring to the 4 foot-tall cylindrical command cap she wore on her head which marked her as the designated leader of this group of Equestrian Guards and gave her command authority. As a complainer, however, she’d be the first to admit it was awfully uncomfortable, as well as top-heavy, and it kept getting stuck in the low-hanging branches.

As a matter of fact, she did just that; “This cap is uncomfortable, it’s top-heavy, and it keeps getting stuck in low-hanging branches,” she listed to the closest guard, an Earth pony like the rest of the detachment, one of eight currently carrying her ornate, open-topped palanquin. It seems Celestia didn’t trust allowing Twilight to command any more worthwhile forces than the Earth Pony regiment, a group of one thousand armored Earth ponies.

The guard in question stared forward, his eyes twitching every time Twilight spoke as the enchanted crystal implanted in his frontal lobe tried to make sense of the not-straight-forward commands being given to it.

“What’s more,” Twilight continued, “Why was I given such a useless group of guards? What am I supposed to do, trample the demons to death? You guys don’t even have any weapons.”

Unfortunately, the poor guard couldn’t figure out her orders, and the crystal overheated from the attempt, roasting its peanut brain. As the guard collapsed into the dirt at the base of a tree, and was subsequently trampled by hundreds of its kin, grinding its bones to dust, Twilight huffed in annoyance. “That’s the sixth one already… Horse you guys are worthless…”

As it stood, her regiment of guards was traveling through the Everfree Forest in the hopes that they’d run into the demons and show them what for. Twilight wasn’t particularly happy with having to spend time out in this dirty, mosquito-infested hellhole, but at least she didn’t have to do anything as disgraceful as walking(especially not up stairs). She also wasn’t particularly convinced she’d find anything out here. It’s not like they were sneaky, trampling shrubs, small trees, and wildlife alike, and farting up enough of a stink cloud to be detected for miles depending on the direction of the wind.

With that thought, Twilight’s body farted by instinct, prompting hundreds of her guards to fart in response, which triggered a chain reaction of farts. You see, farting is to ponies as yawns are to you or I, and when they see someone else doing it, they can’t help but copy, but to far smellier results.

In fact, they were polluting so much methane into the atmosphere that the temperature had gone up several degrees in the immediate area, the thick cloud of fart smog trapping in heat and moisture. The drastic increase in humidity allowed the proliferation of mosquitoes, which swarmed around her witless guards, sucking their blood and giving them many horrible diseases. Already, a dozen had been completely drained, their withered husks discarded in the wake of her pony swarm like empty juice bags.

Twilight was able to keep such pests away thanks to her super unicorn magic, but without a command to do so, the Earth ponies were completely defenseless. Such things are irrelevant though, and as they marched ever deeper into the woods, she finally saw something worth checking out.

“Halt!” she ordered, and the entire regiment immediately ceased all movement, not even bothering to breathe in their devotion to her every whim. One would assume such an acquiescence to be fatal, but Earth Ponies are really good at holding their breath. Up ahead was an open clearing with several sloping hills covered in grass. This wouldn’t have been that strange, and her ponies could easily just walk through the hills (they aint called ‘Earth’ ponies for nothin’), but something about it struck her as strange. Perhaps it was the fact that the colors were far brighter than anywhere else they’d been, or the striped wind wheels sticking out of the ground, or perhaps her horse shoes were on too tight. Whatever the reason, the colors or her shoes, she sat on her palanquin hating the Whos.

"My big hat makes me the tallest," she reminded her new subjects, asserting her authority, "I've been to the Everfree Forest SOOOO many times with my friends, so I know the most about it too."

The horse horde surrounding her did little in the way of rebuttal, Celestia not having given her any of the New Soldiers with the biggest head crystals meant each of her subjects were scarcely smarter than Spike.

"None of the times we ran into the Everfree Forest lead us specifically here," she continued, "but every time we came we found something totally important. It's pretty much all this shithole is good for."

Twilight swiveled her colossal noggin around, to see that still none of the soldiers she'd been given were paying her a smidge of heed. It was beyond time for assertions of height, she'd have to resort to bribery.

"Not at all like this shithole," she teased reluctantly, waving her jiggly rump from inside her palanquin, "this one's teeming with juicy, high quality poop from a bona-fide main character."

The soldiers immediately sprang to life, puckering their mouths open and herding around the LAVENDER UNICORN like seals around a zookeeper with a bucket of anchovies.

"As if!" She thought to herself as her underlings desperately flocked towards her for precious brown morsels, "Not a single one of you deserves to look at my sphincter, let alone taste the shit it walls off from the unforgiving elements!"

"You! Investigate this clearing!" spat Twilight as she pointed at one of the guards, not one important enough for a name.

The order stuck for a moment or two, the vagueness of a command like "investigate" being a bit of an ask for the obsolete brain crystal embedded behind the slave horse's forehead. Still though, it eventually settled on a reasonable enough definition, and opted to individually inspect every single square inch of the mentioned clearing.

"Twilight! Thank goodness I've found you! I think we may be in a world of poo!" came a voice from within the woods behind the army and the little purple pony.

A swift rustling of leaves was all that preceded a rather mangled-looking zebra tumbling out of the brush and right to the edge of the mass of soldiers surrounding Twilight's palanquin.

Twilight merely rolled her eyes.

"We already know that Zecora, I know the sun is a baby, I found the bomb in Celestia's ass, and I heard about the colossal murderous forest demons."

Zecora (who is the zebra from before if you've got a brain so fucking stupid, so utterly and completely full of shit, that it was incapable of coming to such an obvious conclusion) cocked her head to the side and raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know about that shit at all. The threat I refer to is kawaii, and small."

"That's ridiculous, two villains at the same time? What are the odds of that?" Twilight rebutted, her perfect logic slicing Zecora's words like a knife, and almost literally slitting her fucking throat on the spot.

Their brief exchange was halted, however, as a gurgled moan came from up ahead. Twilight’s brow furled, red blood cells heating up with pure anger as she turned her rage-filled gaze upon the guard that dared interrupt her.

“I thought I told you to investigate, not make noise!” She yelled, before her sight fell upon the source of the gurgling.

A large humanoid, purpler than even Twilight, who’s as purple as ponies get, stood there at the base of the colorful hill. A dimpled smile and eyes that radiated a child-like innocence giving an obverse impression of the creature to the full-grown armored pony it held like a balled-up, cum-filled tissue with one hand, dangling by its neck. The guard let out a wet gasping sound as blood was squeezed up its esophagus by the ridiculous grip strength of the creature, and with a modicum of additional pressure, its head popped like an overfilled balloon, throwing out bits of pony brain like rice at a bar mitzvah.

Twilight put up a magic shield, easily protecting herself from the gore, but Zecora and the front few rows of Earth ponies were given- if their smell is anything to go off of- the first shower they’d ever received, albeit a red one.

The creature giggled, and clapped its hands together in amusement, balling the pony’s corpse like silly putty, before turning and tossing it through a hoop.

Despite the potential threat before her, Twilight couldn’t help but laugh at the fate of the hapless Earth pony guard, and spent a few moments giggling to herself before mirthlessly wiping a tear from her eye and flicking it at Zecora.

“I don’t suppose you’d happen to be one of those demons I’m here to exterminate, would you?” She questioned, resting her chin on the tip of her hoof-capped appendage as she regarded the creature. She liked the color, and resolved that she’d skin it after it was killed and make a rug for the main room of her library.

The creature giggled and waved at her. “Tinky Winky!” he exclaimed, introducing himself.

Twilight sighed, almost upset that she wouldn’t get any witty banter to put in the news report, but she figured she could make that up later. For now, she had a demon to exorcise.

“Kill it.” She instructed simply, and over nine-hundred Earth pony guards immediately perked up at the simple command, dropping her palanquin where it sank halfway into the lake of diarrhea afore-mentioned guards had helped produce.

Tinky Winky looked about as intimidated as a pointedly-not-intimidated thing, and continued giggling as the stampede approached at ramming speed.The quickest ponies reached him moments before the rest, and he grabbed them each with his pork-chop-like hands and flung them straight up, out of the forest and into the sun. The baby head giggled, accepting the souls offered to it as their water-based bodies evaporated in tiny puffs of smoke and ash. As the approaching hoard neared, he reached behind his back and produced his little red bag, the handle of which had been clenched between his massive ass cheeks.

He swung the bag in a wide arc with ease, its mass contradicting its size as it easily obliterated any flesh it came in contact with, decapitating four ponies in that single swipe, their heads cleanly severed from their bodies. It was only when Twilight looked more closely did she realize that their skulls had been battered right out of their fleshy cocoons, and they rolled down the hill and came to rest at the base of a tree. Their bodies continued forward, harmlessly impacting against Tinky Winky’s belly before falling limp, not even budging him an inch, and certainly not making a dent or scratch on his tummy screen.

Hefting the bag, he popped it open, allowing its contents to spill loose onto the nearby ponies, revealing that it had been jam-packed with skulls of all types. Big skulls, small skulls, skulls the size of your head! They rained down on the ponies… Not really doing anything in particular, but it was cool I guess.

Despite his decimation of any that drew close, the near-mindless group of soldiers continued their attempted assault. Their brain crystals all buzzed in unison, forming a simple plan. They encircled Tinky Winky rather than dashing him head on like a stampede of wildebeests killing Simba's dad in self-defense.

The wild kicking of their hooves as they surrounded him did nothing, their steel-shod horse hands glancing off his terryclothed blubber and tickling him. He laughed in response, his previous high-pitched giggles now replaced by a deep, rumbling bellow like an oncoming tsunami that rattled Twilight’s bones, and his tummy screen fizzed with static.

A moment later, it flipped on, showing a video feed of the very same army of Earth ponies on that very same hill, surrounding that very same Tinky Winky. The Earth pony’s simple minds were immediately swayed as they saw the imitation HV, overriding their last command as they watched, mesmerized. Twilight, too, was distracted, watching the screen from her position further back, confusion running rampant through her silly little noggin.

“What the hibbity-heck have I seen upon that creature's HV screen?” Zecora wondered aloud, only for Twilight to cast a spell that literally zipped her stupid fucking mouth shut. Haha remember when Discord did that to Pinkie Pie? #Bronymoments.

In Twilight’s expert opinion, Earth ponies, which Zecora is one of, should have been born with a skin lid over their mouths (just like in my hit single: Brony Skin Coats), but she was happy to do nature’s work from time to time.

The video on Tinky WInky’s tummy rumpler became even more interesting as the Tinky Winky on the screen began picking up the pony guards one by one and tearing their skin off in a single motion, tossing it into a pile. It was only after watching this for 15 seconds, and 8 ponies more, did Twilight realize what was about to happen.

“Evasive maneuvers!” She ordered, snapping the pony guards out of their revelry with her new command. However, both words used were far too complex for their simple processing capabilities, and instead of acting they simply sat there, smoke coming out of their ears as the gems heated up to near-lethal levels trying to contemplate the command.

Tinky Winky reached down and grabbed a pony, turning his broadcast program into reality HV as he peeled the pony like a banana. With its skin gone, he was able to easily reach the delectable innards, and he put his mouth up to the guard’s belly button and sucked, slurping out his intestines and other guts like spaghetti. Within moments, all that was left was a husk of muscles and bones, and Tinky Winky balled it up and tossed it through a nearby hoop before sighing in contentment. A canker-sore covered tongue emerged from between his rows of needle-like teeth and rolled over his lips in a full circle, absorbing the last bits of vital goo leftover around his mouth from his recent meal.

After a moment, the screen on his tummy changed, showing one of the consumed pony’s last moments on this gay Earth from a minute ago when he was holding the palenquin and was offered some of Twilight’s feces. She saw how he gazed longingly at her butt from below, and had to look back and check herself. Sure enough, she had a big pimple on her asshole. How embarrassing!

Twilight clamped her teeth around the protrusion and squeezed, tears filling her eyes as puss and blood sloshed from the tip of the flesh volcano like toothpaste, and she sloshed the mixture around her mouth for a few moments before swallowing.

She looked back up in time to spot Tinky Winky, clearly going in for round two, when another of the demons appeared. This one was Yellow, kinda like Fluttershy who’s dead, but not quite the same shade of yellow as Fluttershy who’s dead.

“Laa-laa!” She announced, putting her hands up before cartwheeling directly into the crowd of guards, brutalizing them in a non-sexual way.

Her tummy screen glistened with the scarlet sheen of pony blood, glimmering as she spun through the army like Buzzsaw Louie from Veggie Tales. The wind generated from her spin sent twin tidal waves of viscera onto the soldiers lucky enough to be outside her immediate trajectory.

"Fight back, retards!" screamed Twilight at her horse horde. This much more simple command registered immediately, and the several thousand strong battalion surrounded Laa-Laa and Tinky Winky respectively.

As if they were a eusocial insect colony, the earth ponies acted in unison, rearing up on their hind legs. One by one they started unleashing furious blows, each with the force to penetrate concrete without leaving so much as a crack around the hole.

Laa-Laa recoiled slightly at each blow, her relatively lithe frame (as Tellytubbies go) having a lower tolerance to blunt force. Tinky Winky by comparison, was barely even seeming to register that the ponies were moving as he ripped handfuls of flesh and sometimes entire bones out of whatever was in front of him. He shoved pieces of flesh into his mouth at random, but the memories that flashed on his Teletummy were of little importance. The earth pony soldiers lead very uninteresting lives when they weren't being mercilessly slaughtered.

Despite her relative weakness, Laa-Laa was far from defenseless, unlike the ponies that assaulted her. With each retaliating blow she gored several of her attackers, Turning them into dead or crippled heaps.

"I guess I should help," grumbled Twilight angrily as her little horn lit up like Rudolph's nose. No less than twenty but less than twenty-two soldiers floated into the air, aligning like the planets in Disney's Hercules. In an instant they were flung at Tinky Winky at several times the speed of sound.

Instead of pasting him like Huey's girlfriend from The Boys, the earth pony artillery rounds splattered against Tinky Winky like bugs on a windshield.

"Dipsy!" came a voice from out of nowhere, before emerging into somewhere, revealing its owner to be none other than Dipsy of Teletubbies fame. What a twist.

Dipsy looked at Twilight's horn from afar and giggled, it reminded him of his own head bobble.

Twilight lit up her horn once again, readying another volley of sacrificial bullets. In response, Dipsy laughed and clapped. He loved her little trick. In fact, he loved it so much, he thought he'd give it a try

Planting his cute little tootsies, he grunted and focused on a section of the seemingly endless wave of punching ponies. His head bobble flickered, before lighting up with a bright green glow. At least thirty, but definitely not thirty-two earth ponies ascended into the air like Krillin when Freeza was killing him. Instead of exploding however, they crunched together, smushing into each other with more force than a hydraulic press. The pressure was enough to liquify their bones as they were forced into a perfectly spherical form.

It was structured like a planet, with crust composed mostly of dried skin, while the asthenosphere beneath, consisted mostly of liquefied organs, meat, and fat. In the very center lay a ball of molten bone, making up the core.

Twilight turned to Zecora, and unzipped her annoying fucking maw for a brief moment.

"What was your threat you were talking about again?"

"It was absolutely terrifying, some cute, pink, magical mole rat thing."

"That seems much more dangerous and immediately catastrophic than this, we should definitely investigate."

Zecora easily picked up on Twilight's sarcasm, as though it were a tangible object lying at her hooves.

"It's far more serious than you think! He gave me this scar on my cheek!" she cried, pointing to her big ol cheek scar.

Twilight said nothing, she merely turned her head towards Dipsy, who was frantically waving his hands with glee as he floated more bodies up to his pony planet.

Once it had reached a mass that satisfied him, Dipsy sent his creation hurtling into the dirt. He spiked it straight down, rocketing it into the battle below. It collided with the ground with the force of a tungsten bombardment rod, kicking up dust and blasting viscera and pony bodies in all directions. In one fell swoop he'd destroyed at least half of Twilight's army.

Satisfied, Dipsy whipped a single-use plastic straw out of nowhere(it was actually in his ass) and began walking around, slurping up the puddle of remains that filled the crater he'd made.

Amidst the momentary lapse in bloodshed, a stomping sound permeated the silence, snuffing it out like a flame. It had the rhythm of footsteps, but each supposed footfall sounded like a bag of ice being run over by a steam roller. The noise persisted for moments, growing steadily louder, before the source of it came into view.

It was Po, obviously enough. She was rubbing her eyes sleepily, no doubt having been woken up by the sounds of the other three playing. Her thick fucking thighs clapped and jiggled as she took her steps, while her gamer girl feet crunched into the ground beneath her, leaving footprints as though she were stepping in snow.

"Tubby custard?" she asked, and in response the other Teletubbies merely gestured at the surrounding carnage as they rolled their eyes. As if to say "no fucking shit."

“Perhaps we should flee,” Zecora mumbled between quivering lips like a pathetic, castrated male, “before they come for you and me.”

Twilight leveled her gaze at Zecora, the little bubble aligning at the center of her forehead to prove this as a fact, and beneath the Scrutifixion (two words cleverly combined to describe scrutiny so intense as to be crucifixion-like) the black-and-white pony couldn’t help but feel a little inadequate. Indeed, she had been judged and found wanting, and Twilight opened her mouth to release a high-pitched noise like that of a dentist’s drill that grew steadily in intensity until it resembled the buzzing din of a million rattled hornets.

“Pitiful wingless grub,” she practically spat, and then literally spat, transitioning back to horse speech, “I would throw a coward like you off the top of my tree-library did I think it’d be more satisfying than watching you be crushed by these colorful demons.”

Zecora unconsciously swallowed the accumulated sweat that had pooled in her open mouth as she stumbled for a response, clearly startled by Twilight’s blatant disgust.

“I mean, we do-don’t stand a ghoooost of a chance.” Then she remembered she has to rhyme per her character (despite me not doing that numerous times because I’m a bad writer) “Let’s retreat, just like France!”

Twilight was having none of that, however.

“What? Am I supposed to be afraid of some colorful potatoes with feet? It’s not like they can hurt me with my impenetrable magical barrier anyway.” she bragged. In actuality, the main reason she wasn’t retreating herself is simply that she lacked enough ponies in the immediate area to carry her palanquin, and she wouldn’t be caught dead walking through the mud like a lowly Earth pony. What’s more, if she teleported home now, she’d never hear the end of it from Celestia.

Unfortunately, Zecora was lacking much in the impenetrable-magical-barrier-department, and while Twilight was talking, Dipsy’s head doodle irradiated with an ungodly green aura and she was lifted into the air.

Zecora’s eyes widened to thrice their average size as she saw what Dipsy was doing, lifting other ponies with his psychokinesis and compressing their bodies into marble-sized balls before shoving them into Laa-laa’s gaping asshole. He had already shoved dozens inside, and her butt was starting to resemble an overzealous chipmunk collecting nuts for the winter, cheeks bulging to the point of bursting. Laa-laa hardly seemed to notice, however, giving Zecora the impression that perhaps she wasn’t close to bursting at all!

“No,” Zecora begged, “can you not see by my gawdy character design that I am an important character? You can’t just kill me off like some background-” however her protests and rhyme were ignored and she was tragically crushed into a tiny ball and put into Laa-laa’s poop canal.

Moments later, Laa-laa farted out Zecora’s remains, making her sacrifice meaningless.

“Heh, serves her right,” Twilight muttered, noticing that less than ten percent of her original force remained uneviscerated. They continued following orders to the end, kicking fruitlessly at the unstoppable, fruity juggernauts. “Figures the Earth ponies would be useless. I guess I’ll just have to do everything myself…” she muttered, mustering her full concentration.

Swallowing a few lung-fulls of air, she inflated her intestines like an amateur clown’s attempt at a balloon animal, her belly bulging out as she filled up with vile gas. Channeling her full power into her anus, it stretched and contorted like a nozzle, until it much resembled her head horn (perhaps all pony horns are just stretched anuses :thinking:). Twilight turned and pointed her rear at the group of feasting monstrosities and raised her tail.

“Now you’ve asked for it,” she cried, “SUPER FRIENDSHIP BLAST!”

Releasing the pent-up pressure, the tip of her asshole-spike opened ever-so-slightly like an airbrush nozzle, releasing pressurized, magical fart gas with a sonic boom as it rocketed out at mach 3. Her rifled innards imposed a spin on the gas as it escaped, and when her super-heated fart met the normal-heated atmosphere a tornado was formed. The whirling fart gas whipped into her targets in less than a second, easily uprooting trees and sweeping up corpses and still-living Earth pony guards alike and hurling them hundreds of feet into the air. They were mercifully spared a gory death, dashed against the forest’s canopy, as the pure unadulterated stench of Twilight’s fart killed them all instantly.

Though impressive in volume, and indeed it could be heard for miles, the fart lasted a pitifully short time before petering out into a last gasping moan.

"Better out than in, I always say," she said with a sigh of relief, turning back to admire her handiwork. Everywhere the fart had touched was torn and windswept, yet the Teletubbies remained whole and unaffected. In fact, they began clapping and cheering and laughing, clearly having found humor in her most powerful attack as though it was some sick entertainment.

Enjoying the pony’s show, Po decided to reciprocate the action and released the gas that Noo-noo hadn’t sucked out in the last hour. There was a lightning crack as his fart gushed out, cracking a nearby boulder in half and smelling no less rancid than the Tubby Custard of which it was fermented from.

Now it was Laa-laa’s turn, and she did her best attempt at a head stand, pointing her ass into the air and farting with a loud crack that sent hundreds of compressed pony balls into the sky like birdshot. They kept their velocity for miles, eventually sweeping through the recovering city of Cloudsdale with devastating brutality.

Twilight flushed with indignity and turned back to the four demons, now alone against them as her entire army was farted into oblivion.

"I wonder what's happening with that stupid thing Zecora was complaining about," Twilight pondered, wishing to think about anything besides the current situation.

Offering little in the way of rebuttal, the Teletubbies opted instead to toddle towards Twilight, clapping their felt mitts with every step. Tinky Winky led the pack, his long stride and giddiness at seeing a creature almost as purple as himself making his gait far more rushed than the others'.

Twilight's hubris-ridden thought processes crashed to a halt, giving way instead to her fearful, primitive pony brain. In this state she was nearly as brainless as any of her crystal-brained guards. Her ears flared backward, her tail tucked, and she shrunk to the ground.

Once Tinky Winky got close to Twilight he opened his cute little peepers wider for a better look, and boy was he not disappointed. Looking her up and down, he took note of her soft haunches and bulbous belly. Not only was this final little creature purple, (almost as much so as him) but it was positively roiling with delicious tubby custard. What's more, he'd already burned enough calories murdering that army that devouring her wouldn't interfere with his keto diet.

He opened his slavering maw, his teeth stained oranger than a slightly-oranger-than-average Donald Trump from years of Tubby Custard abuse and globules of bloody saliva peppered her body as though tasting her by proxy. It was at this moment Twilight knew she was about to succumb to a horrible death, and as her brain went through mental gymnastics, her mouth opened to yell the first thing that came to mind.

“Wait, I’ll do anything!” It wasn’t even a fully-fledged beg, confused as she was, and Tinky Winky was taken aback for a moment. Not because she was begging, as many of his countless victims had begged far better than she and felt no remorse or mercy, but because he felt a sudden need in his bowels. It seems perhaps the pony intestines he slurped like sghetti earlier weren’t sitting too well, and he needed to use the Noo-noo.

As Twilight’s superiority complex completely degraded under Tinky Winky’s intense stare, her mind roiled trying to find anything she could say to make this monstrosity spare her miserable life. She thought of how she was of use to Celestia, and spat out the first thing that popped into her head. “I can eat your shit!”

Tinky Winky’s eyes lit up with relief. This was exactly what he wanted to hear. Not that he wasn’t about to force her mouth open anyway and do the same thing, but if she was willing maybe she’d even spit on his anus and lick it clean afterwards like a bidet.

Without much further adieu (and with even less ceremony) Tinky Winky spun around on the spot and bent his knees as he kept them shoulder-width apart. Reaching back with his colossal clamps, he took one cheek in each hand, before pulling them apart to present Twilight with his puckered purple poopchute.

Twilight gawked, mouth agape, which Tinky Winky took as his sign to start shitting. In truth she was just amazed at how purple this particular part of Tinky Winky was. That fact, however, did nothing to cease the grunting and pushing of the plush colossus before her.

The instant a brown turtle head poked out from the massive anus Twilight Sparkle sprung into action. She latched her lips onto the tip of the proverbial iceberg (if icebergs were gargantuan logs of Teletubby shit) and started applying a suction force that rivaled Noo-Noo's own.

In truth, in Twilight's book, this wasn't so much an indignity as it might be to someone like me. You, however, being a shit-eating fuckhead, are more likely to relate to Twilight than I. As she sucked and sloshed and swirled her tongue, she took account of the flavor profile.

She noted in her analytical unicorn mind, the earthy tones of the highly salty lumps and logs sliding across her taste buds. These were mighty chunks, unlike the goat-like pellets she'd receive from Celestia. In a way, this was a promotion.

Tinky Winky put a finger to his mouth like Shrek in that scene from Shrek where Shrek puts his finger to his mouth. Bashfully, he unleashed a soft little toot, an action that gave him some anxiety. He didn't want to short circuit his brand new Noo-Noo.

His fears were misplaced however, as Twilight was certainly no slouch when it came to eating shit. Her Dyson-level vacuum shitsucker absorbed the fart with gusto, rapidly blasting it through her entire digestive tract and ejecting it as a pleasant double toot.

Tinky Winky giggled. He liked his new Noo-Noo. And he’d like her even more once he was done ‘improving’ her. As his last bulbous loaf deposited into Twilight’s toilet-like mouth, doing two full laps around her palate before flushing into her throat with a gurgled rasp, he reached down to wipe with one of the ten thousand rolls of toilet paper he’d bought due to a viral scare, only to feel something wet and coarse on his chocolate-donut-like half-prolapsed bunghole.

With a creaking groan due to his unoiled joints, Tinky Winky’s head turned 180 degrees on its axis, allowing him to peer down as Twilight lapped at his asshole with her prehensile, two-foot-long tongue. His own tongue lolled out, revealing that it was also prehensile and two-feet-long as her tongue marched through his sweet-crusted gluteus canyon before penetrating the semi-permeable mucus membrane that had formed over his gaping exit allowing the stench of decay to escape. Thankfully, this was all easily absorbed into Twilight’s sponge-like tongue.

The other Teletubbies watched fascinated from the sidelines, eager for their turns, but Tinky Winky had work to do first. With the skill and finesse this horse had shown, he couldn’t let her escape. He turned and grabbed her by the scruff of her neck, hefting his red bag with his other hand as he dragged her across the ground to the hill, preparing to operate.