Common Kurt-esy

• Earth: 1,102 years later -

Kurt sighed as he looked down, how had his life come to this? He was only nineteen and yet he had reached the point where he felt there was no way he could go on living. His parents had died in a car crash the previous year, leaving him alone with an abusive older brother who had turned to drink and drugs to bury his grief, eventually he got his brother arrested and his best friend offered him and his girlfriend, Catherine, a room to stay while Kurt got back up on his feet. Things were OK for a while, until one day when he was out looking for a job he returned to find his girlfriend cheating on him with his best friend, that was the final straw.

Kurt considered everything as he continued to look down at the water from the edge of the bridge he was standing on, he was prepared for eternity. With absolutely no regrets about the choice he was making, he jumped and let gravity do the rest. As his body approached the water there was suddenly a circle of glowing light appearing out of nowhere just above the surface of the water, despite the certainty of death not scaring Kurt in the slightest, he was concerned as to exactly what this light was that he was about to come into contact with, he closed his eyes as the light became too bright for his eyes to handle just seconds before he hit whatever this light was.

• back in Equestria -

Twilight was in her castle sorting through fan mail, she didn't understand why being a new princess equated to basically being a celebrity. She had just finished reading through the last letter when Barb ran in and in her high-pitched girly voice said "Twilight! Twilight! It's been activated!"

Twilight looked at her and said "What's been activated?"

Barb jumped up and down excitedly with a big grin on her face and said "It's the portal Twilight! It's located a suitable sentient male!"

Twilight's eyes went wide "What?! REALLY?!?! Well come on then! Let's go!" Twilight and Barb ran to the secret room in the castle where a portal had been cast years ago. The portal that had been placed in the secret room had been dormant for many years, the purpose of the portal was to locate a young, fertile and sentient male on the condition that said male wasn't stolen away from an already existing sexual partner or family, the unfortunate thing was that the portal wasn't cast with the idea in mind that said male had to be a pony. Which is why it came as quite a surprise to Twilight and Barb when suddenly a strange bipedal creature wearing clothes appeared from the portal, soaring into the air a couple of feet and then crashing to the ground upon the portal closing, which resulted in him shouting "Ow! Fuck!" It was Kurt.

Kurt rubbed his head and groaned, the amount of pain he was in suggested to him that he was unsuccessful in his attempted suicide, as he looked around he didn't recognize anything, everything he saw was unfamiliar. As he kept looking he finally found himself looking at... what was he looking at? Some kind of purple horse creature with a horn and some wings stood next to a strangely curvaceous and clearly female lizard thing... where the fuck was he?! The air was still and silent for a moment before Barb, with a little wave, said "Um... hi". Kurt was surprised and had a billion questions racing through his mind, but seeing that the creatures that were staring at him didn't appear to have any malevolent intentions, were intelligent and spoke his language, he remained fairly level-headed for being in such an odd situation.

Twilight decided to chip in and said "Are you... OK?"

Kurt yawned and said "Yeah... fine thanks, first things first though... who are you? Where am I? How did I get here? Why am I here? Before I can start to accept anything that is happening I'm gonna need an extremely thorough and logical explanation to everything I just asked, got it?"

Twilight half-expected those kind of questions, though she had to admit when Kurt came through the portal she went from half-expecting it to fully expecting it. Barb was just partially hiding herself behind Twilight, staring at Kurt with a big blush on her face. Twilight cleared her throat and said "My name is Twilight Sparkle, I am the princess of friendship. With me is my number one assistant, Barb. You are currently located in my castle in the town of Ponyville, our country is called Equestria. You got here via a magical portal which, upon your arrival, has now vanished. The reason for you being here is that the portal was designed to locate and transport a young, fertile and sentient male to this room, although it appears that the portal wasn't working on the assumption that said male would have to be a pony rather than......... whatever it is you are".

Kurt said "Well my species is a human being, my name is Kurt. Couple more questions, why do you specifically need a portal to get a male pony here? Why do you need a male pony at all? Oh and finally, probably the most important question, if this portal is meant to bring a pony then why the fuck did it transport me?!"

Twilight lit her horn, she didn't think Kurt would become violent but it was better to be safe than sorry in the presence of a creature that was acting aggressive. Remaining calm but vigilant, Twilight explained the situation, "Around one thousand years ago, a demonic creature with eyes of fire, a body of snakes and several bat-like wings by the name of Typhon escaped from Tartarus, bringing a great storm in his wake. He laid waste to the land, our kind was only saved thanks to the ruling princesses who used magical relics known as the elements of harmony to kill Typhon, however, our battle with Typhon continues to this day".

Kurt raised an eyebrow, he was confused, "What do you mean? If this Typhon guy is dead then everything should be fine, right? How can you still be battling him?"

Twilight continued and said "Before Typhon was destroyed, he cast a final spell to ensure that even after his death he would triumph in his goal to eradicate us, the incantation was spoken in a foreign tongue and roughly translated to "I invoke the ancient power with my last words, how will you live without a stallion in your herds?", at first the spell didn't seem to have any noticeable effect, that is until years later when it became apparent that across every single sentient species in the land, no males were being born. The intent was to essentially prevent us from procreating and thus we'd simply die of extinction, our society has become entirely female. The only reason our species has persisted for so long is that the princess of love possesses magic that can allow a female to become pregnant without the aid of a male participant, trouble is she can only make it happen for a couple who are truly in love with each other and since no males were being born the only couples she could help out were lesbian couples and, of course, they could only give birth to girls. Equestria doesn't really have an enormous gay community so we can't go on forever as we are, so the last ditch attempt was this portal. Does that cover everything Barb?"

Barb looked at Twilight and said "Yeah, though I think you could have just summed it up by saying no guys are being born so our population is on the decline, but he did ask you to be thorough"

Kurt understood the basic concept, "Hang on, can't you just magic a dick and balls onto a girl or something? Besides, that explanation didn't answer my last question, Why did the portal bring me here and can I be sent back?"

Twilight said very matter-of-factly "We've tried the spell you've suggested, Typhon's spell cancels it out", then with a nervous smile she said "Well... actually the reason for the portal bringing you here is the one thing I don't know, as for sending you back... that is unfortunately not possible, the portal was created using a form of magic that no longer exists... you're stuck here".

As Kurt absorbed that information he let out a long sigh, he figured a new life was better than dying and said "Thank you Twilight, I suppose I better get comfortable in my new home, there wasn't much for me to go back to anyway".

Barb suddenly became rather excitable and went "Wait wait wait... Twilight... do you mean to say that... he's staying here in Ponyville?!?!"

Twilight turned her horn off, nodded and said "Yes Barb, though we weren't exactly expecting Kurt, we need to make sure he can settle here if he has no way back to his world".

Barb held in just how ecstatic she felt, she didn't know why nor did she care, but she found Kurt to be rather alluring. Twilight went "Well Kurt, I suppose the best start would be to introduce you to my friends!" As Kurt followed Twilight and Barb to the throne room, he noticed that Barb had already become somewhat infatuated with him, the biggest sign was when she "accidentally" kept brushing her tail against his groin. When Kurt looked at her quizzically she simply winked and stuck her tongue out at him, he had to admit that if she was trying to be seductive, she wasn't exactly failing. They entered the throne room and as Kurt expected, all of her friends were ponies and they were all sitting around an enormous table. "Everyone..." said Twilight "This is Kurt, he has just arrived through the portal and I know he is not a pony, however we have no way of sending him home so I want you to treat him normally and make sure he is as comfortable as possible while he makes a new life here in Ponyville".

Kurt was greeted one by one by Twilight's friends, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy and Rarity, they were all really rather nice all things considered. Twilight smiled and said "Excellent! So while Kurt is here, what has everyone been up to today?"

Rainbow Dash started with "Well I napped, busted some clouds, napped, arranged some weather, napped, won a race against some pony, napped, had sex with one of Applejack's pigs, napped and finally came here, probably gonna take a nap afterwards".

Kurt's eyes went wide and he immediately went "Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA there... did you just say you had sex with a pig?"