Clockwock Chaos

"...Come again?"

Okay I'm going to stop right here and ask you something. Now, feel free to stop me if this sounds familiar. You're minding your own business, walking to your table in a fast food joint, with a takeout bag in one hand, and a burger that has a few marks from your previous bites in the other. Okay? Now, picture a strange old man in a tannish-grey tracksuit, with golden stripes running up the sides. Now imagine him also wearing a raggedy grey top hat with the joker card strapped to it on his head, while he holds what appears to be a cup of chocolate milk in his right hand upon which he wore a red leather glove and a yellow rubber glove worn on his left. Now then, pretend that he calls you over and asks you, and I quote, "How would you like to take a visit to the magical land of Equestria?"

Sound somewhat similar to something? Maybe you’ve seen it in almost every one of the stories with a "wake up in the Everfree" shtick? Yeah, I thought so. Well, that is what I'm going through right now, believe it or not.

Now, a normal person's first thought would be 'ignore him and keep walking.' some might even add, 'He's probably a drug dealer or something.' But not me, I thought of one thing, though not what I would usually think, which would have been ether, 'Be polite, and introduce yourself' or 'unconsciously insult him then see what happens after that.' No, instead I thought, 'Who the world is this guy, and why does he seem familiar?' Granted, I've never been the best with names, but faces....Eh.

I stood three feet away from him ready to my ‘fight or flight’ instinct if he made any weird moves. Though all things considered I was ready to bolt even if he didn't. He brought his right hand up and took his top hat off with slightly less-then-graceful bow, somehow without spilling a drop from the cup still in said hand. And as he straightened himself out I get a good look at his face. And boy, what a face!

His eyes seemed to be mismatched, as if they were different sizes, his cheeks were slightly sucked in, and when he gave me a toothy grin, which quite frankly looked absolutely demented, I couldn't help but note that one of his canines was much larger than the other, as well as being a bit yellowed. To complete his ridiculous appearance, he had a scraggly white fu-manchu going on that makes pubic hair look like silk. But his eyes. It felt like they told me so much, yet, nothing at the same time. I know I've seen those eyes somewhere before, but I just can't seem to remember where.

"It's exactly as I said," the strangely dressed man replied, "I want to know if you would like me to send you to Equestria. You know; the land of the Ponies."

Okay so at this point I have two ideas at who he is. One: He's a crazy man that might have to be on medication who 'forgot' to take them, or two: He is a drug dealer with one of the crappiest selling phrases I've ever heard. My response?

"That's what I thought you said." What? Did you expect something witty? You want wit, go talk to Spiderman.

It's not that I didn't want to go there, hell, almost any Brony I know would jump in front of a train if they thought it would send them there. In fact I met one that did just that. I wonder if he ever got out of that coma. It's just that, this guy, something seemed really off about him, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

"Now I know just what you're thinking lad, 'This guy is must be completely nuts!' right?" He says giving me a knowing look that honestly looks down right creepy on him. "Well how about this. I will personally send you to the one, the only, EQUESTRIA! I'll even toss in some powers if you'd like, free of charge of course." That settles it. Whatever he's on, I want some.

"But don't worry, there will be no drugs, needles, or alcohol required. In fact, there won't be barely any physical contact of any kind." Strike that last remark. I wouldn't have taken it anyway. Seeing as they pretty much killed a pretty good amount of people and all; that and my oath on my grandfather's grave, never to even try them.

He looked straight at me with the kind of determination that, I think, could make you want to say, 'Shut up and send me to Ponyville!' And you know what, I was really close to saying 'fuck it' and just going along with it, but something’s bothered me.

"There are a few things I've got to know first." His grin didn't falter in the slightest, hell if anything it got bigger, He didn't say anything though, just waved his empty hand in the universal meaning for me to continue.

Deciding to humor him a bit I asked him straight up "All right, let's say you could do this." I said, "Let's say, hypothetically, that you can actually send me straight to Equestria. Why? Why would you do this?"

He scratched his beard, stroking it like it was a hanging piece of fruit, and countered with a simple, “Why not?"

...He got me there. Thinking quickly I took a quick bite out of my burger, both to give me some time to think and because I was still hungry, I used the time chewing to find a reason to say no. I couldn't, not really. I'll be honest, I had no job, no money, and the only friends I had were acquaintances at best and would be easily able to forget or replace me in their groups and lives. Just before these depressing thoughts could escalate any further, he spoke up again.

"Couldn't think of one good reason why I shouldn't, after all, it's not like you have much going for you here. So why not mix things up a little, my friend! Why not be an adorable animated equine for a while! Maybe even show up as a human still. Possibly even a... Oh, I don't know... a dragon perhaps. Throw a little..." he waved his hand around as he searched for a word. "Throw a little chaos into the mix."

What was he, some kind of mind reader? I glared at him, ready to get up and get the hell out of dodge, but his words stopped me.

'Why shouldn't I take him up on his offer' I thought to myself. It wasn't like I really had anything to lose, and who knows. Hell if what he said was true, I might have a chance for a better life there then I ever did here.

Finally, no longer able to stand the taste, I swallowed the sandwich chunk and asked, "What's the catch?"

"Catch?" he asked, putting his hand to his chest as if the very word hurt him. "There's no catch. All I want is to help a poor soul find some happiness in the world." Right, As if! If it wasn't for that stupid grin, and the fact that every word practically oozed sarcasm, I might have bought it. Instead I gave him the most deadpan look I could. Seeing that I wasn't falling for it, he huffed a bit.

"I swear you people can be so frustrating sometimes," He grumped. Honestly he somehow looked even creepier that way. Never the less, I couldn't help the grin that showed on my face as I gave out an, "I try."

Against my better judgment, and the fact that Grumpy Pants was starting to freak me out with his pouting, I decided to humor the old man a bit longer. 'How'd I do this?' you ask. Well, I simply did the first thing that came to mind. Be sarcastic.

"So you can really send me to Equestria?" I said, "And you can give me any form or powers I ask?" I was really hamming it up, and I might have laid on the sarcasm a bit much, but it did to bring back the grin on his face.

"But of course, my friend. All you need to do is ask." On second thought, grumpy looks better on him. This grin he had now made the first one 'Fluttershy' cute by comparison. But still I pressed on.

"Well, how 'bout a weapon with infinite ammo?" I asked him. What can I say; if you’re reading this you know what all I’ll be up against.

"Ha! To easy." He chuckled. Seeing that request didn’t deter him, I continued.

"What about a shield that can't be broken?" I inquired. After all, guns only go so far. Infinite ammo be damned.

"Why not go further with an indestructible, mobile barrier? I'll even make it so only you can open it." He one upped me flawlessly.

"The ability to sneak around undetected whenever I want?" Assassins Creed got their talons in me; okay?

"They'll never see you coming."

I admit, I was both impressed and a little freaked out. But I still had one ace up my sleeve.

"What about hunger? I've lived on a high protein diet for most of my life and I doubt the ponies would take too kindly if I started making deer jerky." There, that should shut him up....Why was he laughing? No, not laughing. It was more he was cackling, like a witch boiling a foul brew.

"Lad, if that's all your worried about I'll simply make it so that your form makes its own renewing energy. Faust, if that's all you’re going to ask for, I might as well just give you the power to bring inanimate objects to life size and let you possess them, just for kicks!" He started his cackling back up, nearly falling out of his seat in the process, yet somehow still never spilling his cup. And you have no idea how much I wanted to kick his chair over.

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose in a vain attempt to both stop the urge, and the oncoming headache. The former it barely worked on; the latter? Not so much.

"You know what? Fine, if you can do all that, then why not? Have your fun. Send me to Equestria. I don't even care how you do it. I honestly don't know what you get out of this, and frankly, I'm not sure I want to. Deal?" I said and after putting the bag down, I raised my hand for him across the table.

I would later regret ever saying those words.

"Deal." He smirked. His wizened old hand snaked out and shook mine firmly. There was a weird feeling of heat coming from his hands, but before I could ask, the old coot let go and jumped up to his feet.

"Let's go!" he called out in joy, "We're wasting daylight!" And in a surprising feat for someone his age, he jumped over the table next to me and was out the door in two seconds flat.

Chasing after him was rather easy, surprisingly. After all that, he stopped right next to the street, ignoring the traffic whizzing by. I couldn't help myself; I had to ask, "What, are we going to call a cab?" I really didn't like the look he gave me.

"Oh no, not we, you. You’re going to be stepping into a new adventure and after all, everyone knows that..." he cut himself off. Then he turned to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. His grin was practically aglow as he brought the glass of chocolate milk to his lips before he, and I'm not kidding here, somehow drank the glass leaving the milk behind. "...the first step is always the most painful," he finished before chucking the dairy product over his shoulder, where it, and I swear to god this is true, exploded. I barely had time to process the motion however, before his running sneaker collided with my back, his foot lit up with this weird light, sending me forwards with a cry of "Sayonara!"

And straight into oncoming traffic.