Clockwock Chaos

Ah, pain. A feeling that I've become more than accustom to in my ten years of self-defense training. It’s an age old frienemy for most people, who have followed them throughout their lives; whether or not they wanted it. Right now, however, I seem to have gotten on his bad side, as my whole body felt like I just took a whole ton of bricks to the head, while standing inside of a wind tunnel that had been on fire, and when it was all over someone patched me up with some string, nails, and a roll or two of duct tape. Needless to say, it wasn't a pleasant experience. But seeing as I was kicked in front of a freaking TRUCK I consider myself lucky to even feel that much!

"I'll kill him." I growled out through clenched teeth, the fact that I had them all I consider another lucky break. "I swear to whatever holy powers exist here that if nothing else, I will find him and he. Will. PAY! Argh... Right after my headache dies down." Yep, that is me, if you were wondering. Now normally I'm a pretty nice guy, fairly easy to get along with, and pretty forgiving with most people. But just like the fact that no-pony breaks a Pinkie promise and gets away with it, nobody that crosses me that badly can get away for long either. And believe me, an attempt at murder is worth No mercy what so ever!!!

But for right now, revenge would have to wait.

Despite the agony it caused my head, I quickly developed a mental list to help me determine my situation, which consisted of as follows.

1.) Take an inventory of myself.

2.) Find out if I'm actually in Equestria.

3.) Find out WHERE in Equestria I am.

4.) Find that damn old man, and if he is here, kick him in front of a train. Let’s see how HE likes getting run over!

5.) Find out if they have pain killers that won't leave me bed ridden from overdose, because if this becomes a common thing. I'll need 'um. Badly

6.)....

7.) Party hard.

8.) Take over the world. (Maybe)

I can be an ambitious bastard sometimes, can't I?

Moving on, I could tell right away that something’s were definitely different. For starters, I was laying on my right side on some kind of cool glass, despite the obvious fact that I should be feeling hard rough concrete. However, no matter how I turned, minimal that it was, I couldn't get on my back. It was as if something was blocking me. I also tried to open my eyes, but with no luck. No matter. I'll just get back to it later. Right now I had to continue with phase one.

I decided to try my hands next, attempting to flex them, from thumb to pinkie. For the most part I was successful up to the ring finger, albeit, they were a bit stiff. The pinkies on the other hand, pun not intended, didn't respond at all. It was like they weren't even there, which is a crying shame. They were my third favorite fingers, right behind the thumb and the middle finger, otherwise known as the 'bird'.

But still, it WAS a good sign! I could now officially say that I am not a pony! Ponies don't have fingers after all, even though they seem to somehow get by just fine with their mouths and hooves. It took a bit longer then I had thought it would, but I did manage to bring my hands into fists. Good. Now I could beat the false teeth out of that old guy next time I see him. With my control and dexterity slowly returned I decided it was time to move up.

With the pain finally dying down, I went for my arms next. I was able to move my shoulders a bit, again, really stiff, but nothing ground breaking really. I switched back to my hands again, rolling my wrists around instead, and working my forearms a bid.

Huh, that's strange. My wrist seemed to be moving independent of the rest of my arm. I mean I may have been double jointed before, but this just felt ridiculous. It was like it was barely even attached anymore! My elbows didn't feel any better ether. When I went to bring them up to try and pull my eyes open, my left arm twisted around and pulled a full 360 degrees twist, before pimp slapping me in the face! Talk about adding insult to injury.

It took some more wiggling around of my upper appendages, but I eventually restored enough of my mobility to lift my arms up and about. The first thing I encountered was immediately grasped, and boy did it feel strange. From what I could feel, it was long, fairly thin, and completely smooth, thickening in an almost horn shape near one end. While the other side slowly gave way to smooth wood about a third of the way down, then going roughly forty-five degrees down, before widening until it reached the base. Moving about to the point of the bend, I noted that there was a curved bit on the top, while on the other side, was another curved bit, but this one was smaller and inside of a half ring that ran from one part of the bend to the other....Wait a minute.

Deciding I had had enough of this guessing game, with as much will power as I could find, I forced my eyes open, and dear lord was I in for a surprise. Everything, and I do mean everything, looked like it was straight out of a cartoon, I kid you not. I even had a freaking outline, for Christ's sake! The colors were so much more solid than before, and there was a lot less detail to be seen. It was rather aesthetically appealing in a way, and I found that I enjoyed the new perspective immensely. Okay, scratch number two off, I am now without a doubt in Equestria. Though, for some reason everything had a very slight bluish tint to it.

Ignoring that I cast my eyes over to what I held in my hands and what I saw shocked me to the core. A Blunderbuss. It was an honest to god, 18th century, Indian blunderbuss-rifle, completely pristine, as if it was brand new off the rack. You see, next to the double-barrel shotgun, it was one of my all-time favorite antique weapons in the world. It wasn't for their power, firing rate or anything like that. No, there was just something about it that drew me in whenever I saw one.

However, this wasn't what shocked me. You see it looked like someone had had corked it. Literally; a large cork, roughly the size of my head, was lodged deep in the nozzle of the gun. Also, a long red rope ran though the blockade, leading back to the gun where someone had welded a ring to the bottom of the barrel. It was almost like a...an oversize toy! What a jip. Well, so much for having a way to defend myself. Then again being in a place that's greatest known long range weapon were pies, it was probably for the best.

Yet, no matter how shocking this all was, it was my hands that got me a slack jaw and a pair of dinner plate 'sized' eyes. They looked...For lack of better term, fake. Oh the fingers were fine, though as my earlier observations proved, I didn't have any pinkies to speak of; but the rest of my hand was blue and ended with a ball joint instead of a wrist. My arms were no better, seeing as they had a similar joint at the elbows, and were also blue up to the hands where it had yellow-gold cuffs that jutted out in the back, just covering the backs my wrist, and I also had similar colored shoulder guards. Now, this would explain some things.

A quick glance down showed that this wasn't the last of my problems. My body was the same blue shade as my arms, and looked kind of like a uniform for the British guards everyone likes to dick around with when they go to London. Believe it or not my sister even got one of them to hide a laugh once, true story. My legs weren't any improvement ether; blue down to the knee joint, the rest of my legs looked like a pair of boots, stripes of yellow-gold lining the top at the knee and bottom at the soles. That would explain why I couldn't feel my toes.

I didn't have any toes! I think I need a hug.

Shaking that movie reference from my head, I tried to stand. The key word here was tried. I failed epically. It was like I some jerk put far too much wax on the floor, and then put me in the middle of it. Ironically, that's what I accidentally did to someone when I tried to help my mother clean the school cafeteria during the point she was a temporary janitor.... What? It was one time, and I was like, nine!

After another session of "get-to-know-you" with my new body, I found out why I was making such a wonderful impression of a rag doll on the stairs. You ever see one of those inflatable giant balls that people climb in, before running around like hamsters? Well, with the exception of an exit, and the fact it was a light shade of blue, that's what I was basically in. Kind of like if Trixie suddenly learned how to make a bubble shield, only without the magic sparkles.

It took me a while but using my awesome balancing skills, more than a few choice words, and the stock of the toy gun being used as a cane, I managed to right myself, like a boss. It wasn't hard after that to decide that I would need to see how number three of the list was doing; only to figure out that I had no idea. I appeared to be just under a large tree next to a small pond, though the fact that I hadn't noticed this earlier really made me want to introduce my new hand to my equally new face. I could even see a few more trees, lots of grass, and more importantly, a path heading towards a town roughly a few miles in the distance.

But as much as I wanted to jump up and run straight to the first signs of Civilization, first things first. I had to see for myself just what the hell he turned me into. After all, wouldn't want to walk into town and not know if I looked like a monster.

With all of the grace of a three-legged dog in a dance hall covered in banana peels and olive oil, I managed to roll the glass-like bubble over to the edge of the pond and cast my gaze upon it to view myself in its reflective waters. I think my heart stopped for a few seconds.

There, in the water looking me in the eyes wasn't a man; well it was, but a lot smaller, probably made of wood or some kind of metal, oh, and it had a blue button for a nose! Adding to my previous, notes on my new form, sitting atop a stock of chocolate-blond hair, I had a blue conductor hat like the ones you would find in a marching band, with a shiny black rim on the front. A matching button sat on the yellow-gold band that wrapped around the tall hat, holding a large, poofy, bright red feather in place. My eyes were pretty large and were a nice shade of, you probably guessed it, blue; in a much lighter shade, yes, but still blue.

Did I mention blue is my favorite color? No? Well now you know.

Moving on, my face was perfectly round, and thankfully was also a light peach/sand color, but my jaw however, made me cringe, seeing as it looked like it belonged on a nutcracker's face.... Yeah. Least I didn't have a damn beard. I had enough trouble with the one I had as a human, and I didn't need one nor did I want one now. The worst part however came from my back, and why I couldn't lay down on it. A rather large, silver wind-up key stuck out of my back where the bottom of my ribs would be. Yeah, I really don't know how I missed that.

I was real mad now. It felt like I just got trolled; big time. I now believe without a doubt that the old man was Discord in human form; though honestly, the fact that he sounded like John de Lancey should have tipped me off. I mean really!?

You wanted a weapon with infinite ammo? Well when the only shot it has is on a string it's kind of hard to run out.

You say you need an indestructible, mobile barrier? Yeah, look out, here comes bubble boy!

The ability to sneak around undetected whenever I want? Not all that hard when you're only a foot tall!

And you want a form with a renewable energy source? Yeah, just twist the big plucking key in your back, and you'll never need to, sleep, use the restroom, or eat food such as meat... ever... again.

... Wait.

It took me a moment, but I managed to swing one of my arms over behind me, take a hold of one of the 'wings', and gave it a good, hard, turn. At first I only a felt a bit of a jolt, but I couldn't tell of what kind, so I gave it another turn. His time it felt like a small burst, but I was still having trouble identifying it. Turn, it's on the tip of my tongue. Turn, I almost got it. One last turn... Oh wait, I know what it was. Energy! Doy! Don't I feel stupid?

Interesting to note, after my turn-fest, I seemed to have suddenly become a gymnast acrobat, because suddenly I went from barely able to stand, to 'couldn't fall down if I tried' in ten seconds flat. How did that happen? My guess, I was tired, five twists later, now I'm not. Normally I'd probably sit down and try to figure this out, but for right now I just didn't care.

So okay, the wind-up key was a pretty good idea. But three out of four of them were still pretty bad!

It took me a moment to calm myself, but eventually I cast a glance at the town again and one thought came to mind, 'If that is what I hope it is, then with any luck, number seven will be starting early!!!' With my course in mind and that happy thought in my wooden (metal?) head, I raced to town like the Timberwolfs were after me; But with my size? This was going to take a while. Oh well; feet don't fail me now!