The Only Mark That Matters

Radish patrolled a long, brightly-lit palace corridor. Starlight Glimmer skipped past him, humming gaily. She stopped, turned, and looked at him.

“Hey, I know you!”

Radish stared at her with cold narrowing eyes.

“You’re that guy who, uh, you’re… oh. Oh no.”

Radish flicked out his spear and shoved it through her eye, jamming it forward until the spearhead burst out of the back of her skull with a wet squelch. She fell limp to the ground.

Onion Tartlet, the palace maid, trotted up to him.

“I apologize for the mess, Miss Tartlet,” said Radish, plucking his spear out of her corpse and wiping it.

“No worries,” Onion Tartlet said.

“Hey, Radish,” said Starlight Glimmer, entering through a side door. “I’d like to be friends.”

Radish seized her head and slammed it into the floor. He stomped it to pulp.

“Sorry again, Miss Tartlet.”

“Not at all.”

“Radish!” said Starlight Glimmer, teleporting in. “I want to talk to you.”

Radish bucked her through a stained glass window. Thick shards of shattering multicolor glass cut her body to ribbons. The ribbons landed in the moat outside.

“That’s fine,” said Onion Tartlet.

Radish woke smiling. He began his shift as Princess Luna ended hers, and encountered her leaving the dining room.

“Good morning, major.”

“Good morning, Luna.”

“You seem most content today.”

“I’ve been sleeping really well lately.”

“Ah, perhaps it is due to the lavender I have been putting up in the halls? The aroma is believed to induce pleasant dreams.”

“That must be it. Thank you, princess. You’re always watching out for us.”

“At least somepony appreciates what I do around here. Your dreams have been pleasant, then? I’ve not detected any nightmares from you.”

“They’ve been very pleasant. I can’t wait ‘til the next one.”

“Excellent. I retire now. Good day, and pleasant dreams.”

“Thank you, Luna. Pleasant dreams.”

Radish kicked Starlight Glimmer into Ghastly Gorge. A quarray eel ate her. Radish had Staunch incinerate Starlight Glimmer. Radish clubbed Starlight Glimmer to death with a baseball bat. Radish put cyanide in Starlight Glimmer’s soup. Radish placed a scorpion on Starlight Glimmer’s face while she slept.

Radish watched as Princess Luna stabbed her horn through Starlight Glimmer’s heart. Radish sat eating popcorn while Princess Celestia blasted a hole through Starlight Glimmer’s torso. Radish fed Starlight Glimmer to Applejack’s pigs.

Radish garroted Starlight Glimmer with a piano wire. Radish petted Opalescence as Rarity impaled Starlight Glimmer with knitting needles. Radish dropped a pallet of bricks onto Starlight Glimmer’s head.

Radish cheered on Fluttershy as she loosed a bear on Starlight Glimmer. Radish split Starlight Glimmer’s head with an ax. Radish led a guard ambush on Starlight Glimmer, and his unit riddled her with spears.

Radish peered around the corner as Pinkie Pie fed Starlight Glimmer a cupcake full of broken glass. Radish trapped Starlight Glimmer in Canterlot’s crystal mines, where she starved to death. Radish snapped off Starlight Glimmer’s horn and made her choke on it.

Radish held his ears as Rainbow Dash cracked a sonic rainboom in Starlight Glimmer’s face, pulverizing her skeleton. Radish bucked Starlight Glimmer into the human world, where she stumbled on two legs until she was run over by a motorized vehicle.

Radish convinced Twilight Sparkle to come to her senses. She turned Starlight Glimmer to stone. Radish and Light Fantastic each grabbed two of Starlight Glimmer’s legs and pulled her apart. Radish cut Starlight Glimmer lengthwise with his sword.

Radish turned into an alicorn and blasted Starlight Glimmer into cinders.

Radish woke each time with a smile on his face.

That lavender really does the trick.