The Only Mark That Matters

Radish awoke in his hotel bed to a loud banging on his door.

“I don’t need housekeeping!” he called.

“You need a lot more than that!” Barrel Roller called from outside his room.

“Captain!?”

He ran to and opened the door. Barrel Roller was standing outside, tapping her hoof.

“Uh, come in, ma’am.”

She walked in and gazed around the room, clearly uncomfortable with sitting on any of the furniture inside. Radish looked down and realized he was unclothed in front of her for the first time. She looked at his cutie marks. He took a deep breath.

“You’ve never seen them, have you?” he asked, resignedly turning to show her.

“I didn’t come five hundred miles to look at your flanks, major.”

“No, ma’am.”

“Care to explain how a simple supply run turned into… all this?”

“I’ll file a report soon.”

“A report’s not enough this time. There’s going to be a full investigation. You’ll probably have to answer a rather big pile of questions, from a rather large panel of ponies, from a rather extensive range of agencies.”

“I see. I’ll answer anything asked of me.”

“But I’m guessing there were a couple of… extenuating circumstances on this.”

“Very extenuating.”

“I’m told you were with a member of AG1.”

“Pinkie Pie required an escort.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“An escort. To investigate the starcium security arrangements at the airship port in Hooveston. During her bakery’s normal business hours. Even though she was seen working behind the counter there at the time.”

“Yes, ma’am. I was with… Pinkie Pie the whole time.”

She caught his meaning immediately.

“Son of a bitch, Root. How do you end up in these situations?”

“Forgive me, ma’am. It was complicated. There was unknown magic involved, and-”

“Say no more. I mean it- say no more. You keep your yap shut and let me deal with the investigation. I can make it go away. The Hooveston brass owes me a favor or two.”

“Ma’am, I can’t ask-”

“That’s an order.”

“Ma’am! If I just weasel out of an investigation, I’m no better than Starlight Glimmer! I have to take whatever consequences are coming to me, otherwise I’m just a hypocrite!”

Barrel Roller’s expression softened.

“Root, there are no consequences, because you’re the only saving grace in this whole mess. We’re trying to keep it quiet, but this will hit the papers eventually- there were four simultaneous starcium heists in Hooveston yesterday. The sea port, the medical center, and the royal research labs all were sent an ingot too, and all three of those were stolen. Expertly. No clues.”

Radish gasped and staggered back. Barrel Roller walked up to him.

“You got the one at the airship port blown up, but you prevented it from falling into wrong hooves, and prevented any lives from being lost in the act. The only way to comfort the public after all this is to let them know you saved the day- give them some hope to latch onto.”

“Three ingots of starcium… all stolen? Without a trace?”

“That’s right. We don’t know how they did it.”

“That’s bad. That’s really bad.”

Radish paced around his hotel room.

“With three ingots… someone could waste most of Canterlot… no! A simultaneous strike on Canterlot, Ponyville, and the Crystal Empire! They can kill every princess at once!”

“Root…”

Radish fell back on his bed, hyperventilating.

“Wait! The pegasus said he wanted it for something constructive, not just blowing things up! They’re building something! A weapon? A vehicle? Maybe a giant war machine! We need to-”

“Root! Stop! I order you to calm down!”

“Calm down!? We lost! We’re all in danger!”

“And thanks to you, they got one fewer ingot than they wanted, and we got some clue to who they are.”

“What clue? A male pegasus with white wings- that may not even be his natural color!”

“But we know they got to that delivery pilot, and can cajole a monkey. Both have been taken in. We have something to work with, Root.”

Radish turned over on the bed, away from her.

“Yeah, great. I failed upward again.”

Barrel Roller sat down on the bed next to him.

“Root… you can’t let that one offhoof comment from Celestia years ago color your image of yourself forever. She doesn’t think you’re a failure. Nopony in the palace thinks you’re a failure. You think I’d put a failure in Elite armor and have him guard starcium?”

She looked around the room.

“Uh, where is the armor, anyway?”

He pulled the covers down to reveal the suit of armor in the bed.

“I couldn’t sleep in it, so I slept next to it.”

“That’s fine. That’s Elite thinking.”

“No, it’s stupid thinking. What if someone faked a fire alarm? I’d run out of the room, and they could run in and steal it.”

“Root, you can’t plan for every contingency. Who’d have thought Equestria’s enemies would be training heist monkeys? Now, we know a little bit better. We can be a little bit more prepared next time. And you can bet we’ll change the way we distribute starcium. That’s the fight, Root- victories and failures, making us stronger and smarter every day. It only works if we all hold on.”

Radish turned back to her.

“Ma’am, you shouldn’t have come all the way out here for me. Not with Glimmer in the palace.”

“Commander Shade is keeping an eye on Glimmer. Nopony hears a former Ranger on their tail. So far, all she’s done is eat pancakes and talk to herself in her bedroom. But she was asking to see you, by the way.”

“Oh, well.”

“Yeah. Oh, well.”

“That reminds me, ma’am. I have a gift for you.”

Barrel Roller seemed surprised by this. Radish dug through his bags, and gave her the bottle of cola from Pinkie Pie. She looked at it.

“I’ve never heard of this stuff.”

“It’s regional. Very regional.”

She caught his meaning immediately.

“Thank you, Root. I’ll save it for when I need a pick-me-up. Which probably won’t be long.”

“Ma’am… I’m sorry that I’ve never shown appreciation for all you’ve done for me. You’re a great captain, and I’m honored to work for you.”

Barrel Roller seemed very surprised by this.

“Root, don’t get mushy on me. We’ve got work to do.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I want you to look over the scenes of the three other heists and reverse-engineer how they did them.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“And after that, you’re going to meet with the press. You’re going to smile for the cameras and tell Equestria that you’re on the case.”

“Seriously?”

“The people need to know that it has heroes to see them through this crisis.”

“Ma’am, that’s what AG1 is for.”

“Root, AG1 was organizing a fashion show this week. You parachuted away from an exploding airship. Who do you think the public wants to hear from?”

“Well, if you put it that way.”

“Go shower. We’ll grab breakfast on the way to the seaport. I’m in the mood for pancakes.”

“Yes, captain.”

He stood up.

“Another fashion show? Really?”

“Applejack was a judge.”

“What?”

Pinkie Pie dumped out her bag of newly-purchased kitchen implements onto the counter of Canterlot High School’s Home Economics classroom. Her friends gathered around.

“Okay, gals. This is gonna be the bake sale to end all bake sales. We’ll have them eating out of the palms of our hands. Or at least out of the little baggies that the treats are sold in. That’s more hygienic.”

Twilight Sparkle picked up the new spatula, adjusting her glasses and looking at its brand name.

“Pinkie Pie, where’d you get this spatula? It’s so heavy. And it smells like a monkey.”

“Let’s just say these came from a specialty store.”

“Huh,” said Sunset Shimmer. “These kind of remind me of… wait.”

She peered at a price tag dangling from the strawberry huller. There was no barcode, and she saw the currency symbol printed on it.

“Bits!? Oh, tell me you didn’t!”

“Yeah, I did.”

“Well, stop doing it!”

“Last time for a while, I promise! Wanna see pictures?”

She scrolled through the album on her phone, showing off the pictures she took of Equestria. She ended at the picture of her and Radish.

“Who’s that fella?” asked Applejack.

“He’s an Elite royal guard! He was nice, though he needed some cheering up.”

“Is he like, a guy who we also know here?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“I don’t think so. His name is Radish Root. We don’t have one of those at this school.”

“Radish… RADISH ROOT? Pinkie!” howled Rarity.

“What?”

Rarity typed furiously into her phone. She brought up a news story about a break-in at the Wagoner Corporate Headquarters.

“Radish Root is the most daring, clever, and unstoppable master burglar in all the world! He’s been committing heists at all the most impenetrable Wagoner facilities!”

“What has he been stealing?” asked Fluttershy.

“The Wagoners won’t say. But they’re just offering a huge reward for information leading to his capture,” Rarity said.

“Well then, forget the bake sale!” said Rainbow Dash excitedly. “If Pinkie’s spent time with the pony Radish, I bet she’s learned all kinds of info they could use to catch the Radish here! The reward could pay for the next ten class trips!”

The girls all looked at Pinkie Pie.

“Gals, I don’t wanna snitch on Radish Root. The Equestrian one is a hero, so I bet the one here is a hero, too,” she said.

“Hero? Pinkie, the Wagoners are the heroes,” said Twilight Sparkle. “They’re innovators in science and technology. Their company practically makes this town run.”

“Huh,” said Rainbow Dash. “In the movies, corporations like that are always the bad guys. It’s their cover. Maybe our Radish Root really is a hero, and he’s trying to stop them from carrying out some dastardly plan!”

“You’re going to base your opinions on movies?” chided Twilight Sparkle.

“Well, some say Radish Root is a devastatingly handsome gentleman thief,” Rarity said, “He commits his crimes without harming so much as a hair on a security guard’s head. So perhaps we should give him the benefit of the doubt.”

She peered closely at Pinkie’s photo.

“Was his counterpart devastatingly handsome? I don’t quite know how to judge a pony that way.”

Sunset Shimmer looked at it.

“Eh. All royal guards have that same face and body type. Equestrians like to joke that Princess Celestia has a thing for meatheads. Cool armor, though- I’ve never seen an Elite!”

“Well, he’s handsome enough for the pony Light Fantastic! He’s marrying her!” said Pinkie Pie.

“Light Fantastic!?” the others howled.

“Light Fantastic is a ‘her’?” gasped Twilight Sparkle. “I thought it was a whole collective of artists!”

“And she’s marrying a guard? That’s so… establishment,” said Rainbow Dash. “I guess opposites attract?”

“Do you think our Light Fantastic is marrying our Radish Root?” asked Fluttershy. “A guerilla artist and master thief- talk about a power couple!”

“Pinkie, you’ve got to help us find them!” said Rainbow Dash.

“Gals, no! We ain’t gonna get ourselves involved in some private war between a master thief, his guerilla artist fiancée, and a multinational corporation,” sighed Applejack. “We’ve got midterms coming up. Can we just have one normal bake sale for once?”

“I’m with Applejack on this,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“Yeah, we should probably keep out of this one,” agreed Sunset Shimmer. “Unless we get clear indication of Equestrian magic at play, it’s not our business.”

The others grumbled in agreement, then got to work baking. Pinkie Pie stared at her photo of herself and Radish. She ran a couple of searches on her phone, then put it in her pocket.

“Girls, keep things running here. I need to take care of something quick,” she said.

She slowly exited the room, then ran down the hallways full-bore. She burst into Principal Celestia’s office, panting. Celestia looked up from her paperwork. Pinkie Pie locked the door behind her.

“Pinkie Pie?”

“Principal Celestia, are you close with Radish Root?”

The principal narrowed her eyes.

“Radish Root? You think I would have something to do with a criminal?”

“Yes, if he were really a good guy! If he were secretly fighting the Wagoners for an important reason that nobody knows about! But now he could be in big trouble!”

Celestia put down her pen. “What trouble?”

She pulled out her phone to show Celestia.

“The Wagoner company just hired this woman as a ‘brand ambassador’- Starlight Glimmer! In Equestria, Starlight Glimmer is Radish Root’s worst enemy! An evil thief, brainwasher, terrorist, kidnapper, and mutilator! I bet the one here is no brand ambassador at all! I bet she’s some kind of super assassin or ninja mercenary! If Radish Root goes up against her unprepared, he could get caught, and the Wagoners could complete whatever dastardly plan of theirs he’s trying to stop! If you’re as close to Radish Root as Princess Celestia is to Major Root, I bet you have some way of getting a message to him!”

“Miss Pie! The Wagoners are a major contributor to this school, and to a lot of worthy causes around the city! Radish Root is certainly no superhero- he’s a thief and a scoundrel. I sincerely hope this Starlight Glimmer really is some specialist who will put an end to his espionage. I certainly don’t know Radish Root, and if I did, I’d help the police catch him, not help him evade justice!”

Pinkie Pie looked around the room, suspecting listening devices everywhere.

“Okay, you’re right. I’m just being a silly Pie. I’m just gonna go help with the bake sale.”

“Fine, Pinkie Pie. See that you do.”

Celestia watched Pinkie Pie unlock and leave her office. She got up to lock her door again, then returned to her desk and pulled an old flip phone from under a false bottom of a drawer. She dialed the only number in the phone’s speed dial.

“It’s me. Don’t hang up- there’s something your fiancé needs to know about the next job.”

Radish Root turned his Elite armor back into the Quartermaster.

“I saw the reports,” Chuck said. “Nice job out there, Root.”

“Nice armor you gave me. It’ll be hard to go back to the standard set.”

“Well, we’re working on improving the standard set. Change is in the air, major. With three ingots of starcium in the wind, the Guard is going to be busier than ever.”

“Sorry. I really did jinx it, didn’t I?”

“Jinxes aren’t real, Root. Well, okay, they are real, but you need a unicorn horn and a good amount of training to cast one.”

“Still.”

“Any comments on the armor, for the next iteration?”

“I think the garrote wire is a little… ghoulish for a royal guard. It’s not a good look for us.”

“PC read me the riot act on that one, too. I’m thinking we can put a sleep dart blowgun in there instead.”

“Oh, fun. I’d like to see a monkey catch one of those.”

Radish delivered his report on the starcium heists to Barrel Roller.

“Welcome back, Root. I’m hearing positive things about your press interviews.”

“I was only following the script, captain.”

“Yeah, well, a lot of famous actors can’t even do that. Wherever the starcium is now, it’s had enough time to settle into its inert form. Since no big explosions have been reported anywhere, that means whoever stole it has either shaped it to their purposes, or wasted it.”

“I won’t stop until I find out what happened to it, ma’am.”

“I know. But we’ve got a lot of ponies working on this now. Don’t think it’s all on you.”

“Thank you, captain. How is the situation here?”

“While you were gone, Glimmer forcibly switched the princesses’ cutie marks for a day. They had to trade roles.”

Radish made an angry series of sputters.

“She assaulted and violated two princesses, putting the kingdom, the dream world, and the entire balance of nature in danger!?”

“Yes.”

“And the consequences?”

“None whatsoever. They thanked her.”

Radish sucked in air.

“Ma’am, I don’t know how much more of this I can take. What is the Guard’s purpose anymore if we can’t protect a princess in her own home from her own guest?”

“Root, whatever frustration you’re feeling, I’m feeling it for every single guard under my command. I have lodged complaints about this… ‘Friendship Paradigm’ time and time again. It’s not going to change. And I imagine someday it will blow up in all our faces.”

She trotted around her desk, looked at Radish square in the eyes, and poked a hoof in his chest.

“And on that day, Radish, where do you want to be? In a private office somewhere Uptown, wearing a nice tie? Or in front of your princesses, in your armor, standing between them and doom?”

“You know?”

“I lose a lot of guards to the private sector. I can tell when I’m about to lose another.”

Radish met her steely gaze. He stood tall.

“On that day, when it all blows up in our faces, I’m going to be in front of Celestia, taking every hit she failed to see coming. And while she's pinning a medal on my burned and bloody body, I’m going to tell her I told her so.”

“And I’ll be there right by your side,” Barrel Roller said.

Then, something struck him.

“You called me ‘Radish’,” he said.

“Did I? That’s weird. Dismissed, Root.”

Light Fantastic hovered in the center of her store, trying to figure out if there was a better way to arrange the aisles. Her door was violently flung open, causing the bell above it to flip off its hook and clatter to the carpet. Twilight Sparkle stomped in.

“Oh, hi, T. How’s it hangin’?” asked Light, innocently enough.

Twilight took flight and met Light at her altitude. With fury in her eyes, she held up a Midtown neighborhood broadsheet. The top story was about a new art installation that had mysteriously appeared in an empty Midtown lot overnight.

Its central tableau was made of wooden slats woven through a metal mesh frame. It depicted a unicorn mare gleefully crushing a globe under her hoof, while frightened ponies fled out of it. Behind her was a quartet of winged, horned figures with their backs to the carnage. Out of the crushed globe, a copper ribbon poured out like a pool of blood, with a message embossed on it. It read, “Your forgiveness is not our justice.”

“Oh, yeah! I heard about that! You wanna go see it together? It’s only a few blocks from here,” said Light, too cheerfully.

“I thought we were past this. I thought we could all be adults about this. I thought you understood what I’m trying to achieve here.”

“What are you saying? Are you implying I had something to do with this bold new artistic endeavor?”

“Don’t you dare. I know your style when I see it. You employ the same angles and proportions in all your art.”

“Ouch. I thought I was more diverse than that.”

“Starlight saved all of Equestria, Light. We’d be under Chrysalis’s rule without her.”

“You think that represents Glimmer? I dunno. I see that central figure as symbolic of systemic problems in our justice system, vis-à-vis an outmoded power structure that arbitrarily applies punishments and pardons.”

“I’m not laughing, Light Fantastic.”

“Twilight, sweetie, I don’t do political art anymore. The Twi Pride buttons I made in honor of your coronation never really flew off the shelves, you know? Which is a shame- you were such a badass in those days. Besides, I don’t make art for free. When I want to make something in Glimmer’s image, I put out Crepuscular Haze merchandise and profit off her.”

“You’re taking it down.”

“Nah.”

“Then I will.”

“Those would be great optics. The Princess of Friendship, smashing art that offends her.”

“I’ve been unpopular before.”

“But have you been unpopular and wrong before?”

“Light… please?”

“No. And you can tell her this- I don’t care if she’s got a guest room in the palace. She’s not welcome in Midlo. I see her in my neighborhood, she’ll get a lot worse than a sculpture.”

“I’m disappointed in you, Light Fantastic.”

“I always welcome constructive criticism from the public.”

Twilight flew back to the door and landed in front of it. She turned her head back to Light.

“Your composition is inconsistent and your metalwork is sloppy. Your use of mixed media muddles the message, and frankly, you shouldn’t be working in the round at such a large scale if you can’t understand clean sightlines.”

She walked out. Light narrowed her eyes.

“Bitch.”

Radish Root shut and locked the door to his office. He turned on the lights, then pulled down the window shades. He walked up to a large cork board on the wall.

He had dedicated a space for each starcium heist. He had hypothesized, and a local reptile expert had helped him prove, that the medical center heist was carried out by a snake that had entered through the plumbing, swallowed the starcium, and exited out the same way. He found no evidence of animal conspirators at the laboratories, but suspected several employees who could have come together to pull it off. Royal investigators were looking into them. The seaport heist was a complete mystery.

He turned his attention to a large map of Central Equestria.

He popped a jalapeño chew into his mouth. He put Xs over each location where Pinkie Pie’s phone had been set off.

Something affected Pinkie’s phone and pointed us to the heist. Was it a warning? A dare? A test?

He looked over to a pile of books on his desk. He was researching electrical devices, but nothing in Equestria was as advanced as a human high school girl’s phone.

What could influence it? Was there intelligence behind it? Is it the same intelligence at work in the map? Did the Tree of Harmony reach out to me?

He thought about asking Twilight for more information about how her map operates. He knew if he did, she’d ask him to come over, see it, and have a tea party with Glimmer while he was there. He didn’t need to know that badly.

He looked over the Royal Chemists’ analysis of the sleep gas that was used in the metal shop at the airport. Its ingredients were common enough, though it took skill and special equipment to distill.

So does shaping starcium. These villains are well-equipped and knowledgeable in several sciences. They’re smarter than me. How do you fight someone smarter?

He pulled out and ran through the Royal Metallurgists’ list of “constructive” things that could be done with three or four ingots of starcium. It ran from the benevolent (mend bones) to the terrifying (enhance weaponized lightning) to the fanciful (make crystals sing over a distance). It was too much to consider all at once. He sat in his desk chair and leaned back.

They saved my life for a purpose. But what do they want me for? What am I to Equestria’s enemies? Am I a danger to the princesses?

They have a plan for the starcium. They have a plan for me. But I’m going to get them first. And there won’t be any pardons this time.