The Only Mark That Matters

Radish and Pinkie Pie sat on a bench overlooking a duck pond. There were a few coots swimming by.

“You’re the Pinkie Pie from the human world.”

“Yeah.”

“In pony form.”

“Uh huh.”

“I didn’t know it worked that way. I guess I should have realized.”

“Don’t beat yourself up about it. It was a shock to me, too!”

“Is it weird for you?”

“Totally. But kind of fun, too.”

“A lot about your world has been classified, so I’m not really supposed to ask about it.”

“Oh?”

“But you really just came here… for a spatula?”

“And a lemon zester, and a cherry pitter, and strawberry huller, and a cookie scoop…”

“Why?”

“We’ve got a serious bake sale coming up, but the kitchen tools they have in stores back home are really flimsy. They have these cheap plastic handles that keep breaking off.”

“Really? Plastic is a premium material here.”

“Grass is always greener, huh? Pony-made tools are a lot stronger. Probably ‘cause ponies are that much stronger?”

“Interesting.”

“Am I in trouble?”

“No. Hooveston gets commerce from all over. I just didn’t think they get it from another universe. How do you have our currency, anyway?”

“I pawned some plastic water bottles from my side. Like you said, it’s premium here.”

“Then why not just convert the money into gold, and sell the gold on your side? Skip the bake sale entirely.”

“Skip the bake sale!? The bake sale is the best part! I get to hang out with my friends, make all kinds of tasty treats, and somebody always ends up getting covered in flour!”

“Ah. Do you come to our world often?”

“Not really. The others kind of frown on that. Sunset said something about upsetting the balance of reality.”

“Yeah, you might want to watch out for that.”

“Okay.”

“Well, I won’t keep you. Just stay off royal express trains, okay? They’re not safe.”

“You got it.”

They shook hooves. Pinkie started to trot away, then she turned to look at Radish. She trotted back and sat on the bench again. She rummaged through her bag, and pulled out another long glass bottle of soda.

“Here. You look like you could use a treat. These always cheer me up. They come from the only factory in Canterlot City that still uses cane sugar.”

“As opposed to what?”

“High-fructose corn syrup.”

“Corn soda sounds great, actually.”

“Heh, you ponies,” Pinkie said, shaking her head and smiling.

He took the soda and held it in his hooves. It was the same brand as the bottle cap she left on the train.

“How is it still cold?”

“It tastes better cold!”

He popped the cap and drank.

“This is good. Thanks.”

“Do you wanna talk about what’s bothering you?”

“Elite guards aren’t supposed to need pep talks.”

“Aww, everyone needs cheering from time to time. I bet Elite guards have Elite problems.”

“Do you have someone named Starlight Glimmer in your world?”

“Doesn’t ring a bell. Why?”

“Well…”

“So after all that, they just let her go?”

“Yeah.”

“And she’s at your castle now as an honored guest, just hanging out all buddy-buddy-like with the princesses you swore you’d protect from her.”

“Yeah.”

“And it’s like no one treats your feelings on the matter as valid. Like your experiences don’t count for anything. And you’re feeling scared for, and isolated from, the people you used to count on the most.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I did everything I could to stop her. I went out to those mountains for the slimmest hope of catching her. I worked to prepare facilities against her specific kind of evil. I was living in fear for my princesses, my fiancée, and my friends.”

“But it didn’t matter.”

“No, it didn’t. You know, I even spared her life by not shutting the door on her. I believed in the system that would put her on trial, find her guilty of her crimes, and punish her accordingly.”

“But that’s not what happened.”

“The system was changed on us. I don’t know if there is a system anymore. Every heinous action just gets forgiven in the name of friendship. It’s not justice, Pinkie Pie. It’s arbitrary favoritism.”

“That’s got to be frustrating for a guard.”

“It is. You know, my fiancée suggested I get out of guarding. I’m good at securing buildings. She thinks I could work for, or even run, a private security company.”

“But you don’t want to do that?”

“I’m… thinking about it. It’s kind of an exciting idea. A lot of my suggestions for the palace have been shot down over the years. If I worked for myself, I wouldn’t have to answer to superiors anymore. I wouldn’t be part of a system that lets criminals go- if the Watch catches someone, they go to jail. Maybe I could even design the trap that stops the next Glimmer. And maybe I’d make enough for… well, a nicer wedding for Fanny.”

“Your fiancée’s name is ‘Fanny’?” Pinkie Pie asked, stifling a laugh. “You know, in my world, that means-”

“Yeah, here too. She loves that. It’s short for ‘Light Fantastic.’”

“Whoa! What!? You’re engaged to Light Fantastic!? The Light Fantastic?”

“You’ve heard of her?”

“We didn’t know it was a ‘her’! On our world, Light Fantastic is this amazing anonymous guerilla artist!”

“Gorilla artist?”

“Guerilla! Like, secret and unsanctioned! They- she, I guess- creates all these wild art installations that mysteriously appear in the city overnight! No one knows who the real Light Fantastic is! I can’t believe you’re gonna marry the one here!”

“Huh. Mine doesn’t care for being anonymous, or working for free. But I bet she’d love to make something mysterious that gets everyone excited.”

Radish took a swig of cola. Pinkie Pie looked at him.

“I just realized, I don’t know your name,” she said.

“Radish Root.”

“Hmm, I don’t think your Twilight’s mentioned you.”

“Well, I won’t take offense to that. She’s usually preoccupied when she’s there.”

“Yeah, she’s crazy busy with crazy business.”

“But there’s no uh, well, me over there?”

“I know everyone at CHS. We don’t have a Radish or any Roots. But I bet wherever he is, he’s okay.”

“Is there an equivalent to the Royal Guard?”

“Uh… hall monitor?”

A high-pitched noise rang out of Pinkie Pie’s bag. She rifled through it.

“Is that a phone?” Radish asked. “Twilight’s mentioned their importance to your society.”

“Yeah. I’m not supposed to be getting reception here, but something keeps making it go off. See?”

She pulled out a small, flat pink device with a toy charm dangling from it and held it up to him. On its surface was a glowing rectangle which displayed a flashing, distorted pattern. It made Radish dizzy to look.

“So, that’s abnormal?”

“Totally. I thought someone was trying to call me, but when I answer, no one’s on the other end.”

“We don’t have non-magical wireless communication yet. There are some experiments going on in Great Bitton, but it’s very short-range.”

“So if it’s not non-magical, could it be magical?”

“I don’t know. How long has this been happening?”

“Let’s see… it started on the train. Then once in the store, and now.”

“Hmm. Those intervals weren’t regular. That might rule out any natural magical phenomenon.”

“I guess I should ask my Twilight and Sunset about this. One’s good with technology, one’s good with magic.”

“Probably a good idea.”

“Maybe it’s a warning of some kind of techno-magical disaster that will engulf both our worlds in ruin!”

“The Guard has a term for that. Tuesdays.”

“Ha! Hey, you’re funny.”

Her phone returned to normal.

“Finally! It was starting to get hot. Hey, can I get a photo with you?”

“Sure.”

She held it out in her hooves away from the two of them, then fumbled with it.

“Uh… this is kind of tricky with hooves. Oh! I know! It does voice commands! Cheese!”

The device clicked, then displayed a picture of Pinkie Pie and Radish leaning into each other.

“Nice. Ponies always photograph so well.”

“Is there a way to get a copy of that?”

“Yes, but not soon. I’ll find a way to get it to you eventually.”

“Thanks.”

“Wanna see some pics from my world?” she asked, flipping through her photographs.

“Okay, but no damaging political or military secrets.”

“Darn, I had a ton of those. Oh! Here’s the whole gang!”

She showed him the phone. Seven bipedal creatures in colorful clothing were sharing a group hug in front of a brick building.

“Wait, that’s what humans look like?”

“Yep! That’s my true form! Why?”

“From Twilight’s descriptions, I thought you’d be more like… shaved chimpanzees.”

“Nah, that’s just the wrestling team.”

She flipped to a new picture, of what looked like a formal dance. Radish peered closer. The girls were now in elegant dresses with their hair done up.

“You’re so slender. But really… rounded in some places.”

She snorted. “Thanks. But I was stuffing that night."

"Stuffing what?"

The phone belted out another squeal, and the screen flashed again.

“Ugh! This is worse than when a new app won’t stop sending you notifications! Unsubscribe already!” she yelled, shaking it.

“Wait… move it to the right again.”

She moved it to the right. The sound became flatter and the screen flashed quicker.

“The sound and pattern changes with its orientation,” noted Radish.

“Oh?”

She moved it in an arc around her body. The flashes and tone changed accordingly.

“Hey, you’re right! It’s like it’s playing Hot and Cold. That means we’re burning hot if we’re looking… that way!”

She held the phone facing south. The phone’s screen turned white and its beeping flattened into a dull tone. They looked beyond the phone at the city skyline.

A large barrel-shaped building dominated the southern view. Multiple airships were docked at its upper levels.

“What is that?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“That’s the airship port,” said Radish, warily.

“Why is my phone going nuts at it?”

Radish walked a few feet toward the building, peering at its air traffic.

“Maybe it really is magic that's messing with your phone. And this reminds me of the magic map Twilight has. It sends her and her friends to locations all around Equestria.”

“What for?”

“She calls them ‘Friendship Missions’. You go to the place, look around for ponies not getting along, then… I dunno, make them friends, I guess.”

“You think that magic map called up my phone and wants us to go to that airport?”

Radish looked at the building, then down at his armor.

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t do friendship missions, and I don't take orders from maps. I have to take the next train back north, not go running through the airship port looking for ponies not getting along- which, in an airport, would be all of them.”

He looked at his starcium warning badge.

“Although…”

“Although?”

“That port is getting some of the starcium I delivered today. It’s a very rare and dangerous material. Airships use it in cooling systems, but in the wrong hooves, it could destroy that entire building.”

“Yikes. This world is more edgy than I thought. We should go check it out.”

“I don’t have any justification to go there. I can’t just tell Barrel Roller I missed the train because a device from another universe beeped.”

“I’m like a foreign diplomat, right? So if I wanted to poke around that building, and I requested you as my guard, you’d have to come, right?”

“We probably should keep your human-ness on the down low. Local authorities don’t really know about that stuff. Classified, remember?”

“Oh. But the pony Pinkie Pie is a VIP here too, isn’t she? If she wanted to investigate something, she could, right?”

“I guess.”

“And she can ask for a guard escort too, right?”

“She can and she has. One time she requested an escort to a bingo tournament. It was surprisingly necessary.”

“Then let’s go!”

“Well, Celestia hates loopholes.”

“Oh…”

“But, like I said, I may not be working for her much longer.”

He stood up and saluted Pinkie Pie.

“Miss Pie, I am at your service.”

“Great! We’re going to check out that airport for suspicious activity!”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“And then we’ll check out this tater tot stand I saw on the way here.”

“Ah… why not?”

“And then go hit a roller rink!”

“Okay.”

“And then-”

“Very good, madam. Let’s move out.”

Radish and Pinkie Pie made their way into the building and looked around. Pinkie gazed at a wall of destination advertisements.

“Wow, airships! So cool!”

“Don’t you have flying vehicles in your world?”

“Yeah, but they’re just big white tubes. Yours are like, steampunky dirigibles! You should enjoy this kind of air travel while it lasts, before you start having to pay forty bucks for more leg room. Also, what’s the deal with airline food?”

“I, uh, don’t know?”

“Me neither!”

Pinkie looked at her phone.

“Nothing setting it off now. No bars, either.”

“No, there’s a bar here,” Radish replied. He pointed to a cocktail lounge up against some wall-to-floor windows.

“That’s not what…”

She looked back at her adult pony body.

“Forget the tater tots. Let’s hit some bars after this.”

“Sure.”

“See anything that sets off your Elite guard instincts?”

“I’m not even sure what we’re looking for. So, let’s go straight to the top. We’ll see the pony in charge, ask about the security arrangements for the starcium.”

The pony in charge was a copper pegasus named Flap Drag. Radish and Pinkie met her in her office. She had bags under her bloodshot eyes and her ear twitched as she spoke.

“You’re worried about the starcium? I’m worried about the starcium! You know what that ingot could do if the work team isn’t careful?”

“That’s why we’re conducting this surprise, but routine, safety inspection,” Radish replied.

“But you?” she asked, turning to Pinkie Pie. “I didn’t know this was something the Elements of Harmony did.”

“Oh, yeah. All the time. Starcium is an Element, after all!” she said.

“No, it’s not. It’s a concretion of highly reactive minerals in magic quantum suspension.”

“Excellent!” said Radish. “You just passed our first little test.”

“Oh? Okay. Well, I’ll show you the metal shop where they’re shaping it.”

“Great, and-”

An alarm blared out. Flap Drag gasped. A pony in a security uniform stuck her head through the door.

“There’s been an accident in the metal shop! It’s in lockdown! We can’t reach anyone inside it!”

“Oh, son of a bitch,” Radish said.

“Yeah, son of a bitch!” agreed Pinkie Pie.

Radish galloped down the halls of the building against a flood of ponies evacuating the building. The klaxons blared all around him, and red warning lights flashed across the walls. He checked his indicator badge. It was still normal. He noticed Pinkie galloping alongside him.

“You need to get out of here! I can’t have you die on my watch!”

“Oh, no! I got you into this mess, I’m going to see you through this mess!”

“But-”

“No buts! Now, where are we going?”

“The sub-basement!” yelled out Flap Drag, flying over them. “This way!”

They clambered down flights of cement stairs and reached a dingy hallway lined with doors. Huddled around one of the doors was a team of technicians and security guards. The thick glass window of the door was clouded with green gas.

“What happened?” asked Flap Drag.

“We don’t know! Somehow the room filled up with this gas! It must be a sleeping agent! Everyone inside looks unconscious!”

Radish peered inside. Ponies in work uniforms were inside, laying on the floor, but breathing. The green gas hung throughout the room like fog.

“What about the starcium?” Radish asked.

“They were about to start shaping it,” replied a technician. “It should still be in there.”

“Doubt it,” said Radish. “Is there any other way in or out of the room? No matter how small or unlikely? Pipes, sewers, vents?”

“There’s a dumbwaiter. But it has a weight limit. It trips and locks if anything heavy as a pony tries to use it.”

“Which floors does it reach?”

“Cargo, Maintenance, Delivery, and the Kitchens.”

“Kitchens? Why? They don’t allow food in metal shop!” said Pinkie Pie.

“They need a lot of ice in there. The kitchens send it down,” said Flap Drag.

“And is that the least guarded of those four floors?” Radish asked.

“Yes. The chefs hate security hanging around in the kitchens.”

“Then that’s where the starcium was sent to. Have your guards isolate that level, lock down the exits, and search any stragglers. Miss Pie and I will check out the kitchen.”

The kitchen had been fully evacuated by the time Radish and Pinkie Pie reached it. They found the dumbwaiter, stopped and open to the kitchen.

“You think this was a heist? Someone used the dumbwaiter to deliver knockout gas from here?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“Maybe,” said Radish.

“But how did they get the starcium?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“Either they had a partner working these controls, or they hit the button and climbed inside it before it started to move,” Radish said, looking at the control panel.

“But she said it has a weight limit. How could a thief ride the dumbwaiter without overloading it? Did a child pony do this?”

“A child criminal?” scoffed Radish.

“Yeah, maybe not,” she said.

“They might have had help from an animal.”

“Right- ponies can, like, talk to animals.”

“That’s not exactly how it works, but yeah, ponies- especially earth ponies- can establish rapports with a wide variety of critters. But this animal would need to be dexterous enough to nab the starcium, light enough to not trip the dumbwaiter’s weight limit, and immune to whatever knockout gas that is.”

“Sloths can hold their breath for a long time!”

“Would you plan a heist around a sloth?”

“Uh, maybe they put a monkey in a gas mask!”

“That’s… shockingly plausible, and it would look terrifying. But whatever it was, we need to find where it went.”

“Well, all kitchens need to get deliveries. And get rid of trash.”

Radish looked around.

“You’re right. That’s a trash chute,” he said, pointing to a hatch on the wall, “and that door leads to a delivery hangar,” he said, pointing to double swinging doors.

“Okay! I’ll go into the garbage chute, flyboy, while you check out the hangar!”

“Wait, Pinkie!”

Pinkie Pie opened the garbage chute and threw herself down. Radish sighed, and ran down the hall to the delivery hangar.

He burst into the hangar. The hangar shutter was wide open, and a small airship with a food delivery company logo was taking off. Radish looked around for the personnel on duty and saw none.

A lone figure fell off the ceiling onto the ship’s deck. It turned its head to look at Radish.

It was a monkey in a gas mask.

In one hand, it gripped a large kitchen knife. In the other, it held a blue-speckled black ingot of starcium. Radish could only stare, stunned. It made a hiss under its mask, and disappeared into the ship.

Radish galloped toward the hangar’s emergency controls and slammed the button for shutting the door. Nothing happened. He looked down, and saw its wires had been slashed.

The ship was almost fully out of the hangar. The updrafts against the building were clattering the rigging on its sides. Radish hurled himself at the rigging, just as the ship slipped out of the hangar. He dangled over the long drop to the streets below, regretting.

He climbed up onto the ship’s deck, then drew his spear and stalked after his prey. He wasn’t worried about Pinkie Pie being left behind- he knew all he’d have to do was turn around, and she’d somehow be standing right behind him. He turned around. She wasn’t there. He backed around a corner of the superstructure. She wasn’t there.

“Radish!”

He looked over the side of the craft. She was on the ground, covered in garbage, hopping and waving. Radish sighed, and threw down a rope ladder for her. As Radish helped her climb onto the deck, her eyes went wide and she pointed behind Radish.

“Look out! Monkey in a gas mask!”

Radish turned his head and bucked. His rear hooves met the monkey mid-air as it leapt at him, sending it flying. It grabbed some of the rigging, and flung itself right back at them.

Radish swatted it with his tail weights. It took the hit, then skidded to the deck. It held up the knife and growled.

“You were right. That is terrifying,” said Pinkie Pie.

Radish extended his buckler and held it up alongside his spear. He brandished them between himself and the creature. Then, he noticed the monkey didn’t have the ingot.

“Pinkie! You find the starcium! I’ll deal with this thing!”

“What’s it look like?”

“A blueberry chocolate bar!”

“You don’t have to put everything in candy terms with me, you know?”

“Just find it!”

“On it!”

She charged off. The monkey turned to follow her, but stopped in its tracks as Radish kicked a bucking dagger into the deck before its feet. It looked at Radish.

Radish wasn’t sure if monkeys smile. He couldn’t tell if it was now smiling at him under its mask. But it pulled the bucking dagger out of the floor, and held it up in its other hand. It tapped its two knives together to taunt him.

Great. I gave it another weapon. Real Elite tactics, Radish.

The two circled each other. Pinkie Pie stuck her head out of a porthole and waved the ingot of starcium.

“Found it! It tried to hide it in a stack of blueberry chocolate bars!”

The monkey turned and ran to the port hole. Pinkie Pie yelped and tried to duck back in, but banged her head on the edge of the hole. While she dizzily shook her head, the monkey reached the wall and climbed it toward her. Radish chucked his spear at it.

It caught the spear with its tail. It turned its head, and Radish knew it was making a mocking face at him under the mask. Pinkie Pie looked down.

“Stop arming him!”

The monkey continued to climb toward Pinkie. She ducked back in and shut the porthole. The monkey, unable to open it, continued to climb to the top of the housing and disappeared.

Radish ran inside. He found Pinkie Pie running toward him down a corridor. The ingot was in her mouth, and she shouted something he couldn’t understand.

The monkey was barreling toward them with all three weapons. Radish pulled out his sword.

“Do not give that to him!” Pinkie Pie warned, huddling behind him.

“Go! Lock yourself somewhere safe!”

The monkey threw its dagger. Radish blocked it with his buckler. It lashed out at him with the spear in its tail like a scorpion. He knocked it away with his sword. It hurled the kitchen knife, and Radish deflected it with his boot.

Radish shook the rest of his bucking daggers out of his mane, then bucked them all at the monkey in rapid fire. It dodged and weaved, using Radish’s spear as extra support. It accidentally tripped the retraction mechanism on the spear, causing it to collapse into its portable form. The monkey fell with it, giving Radish the chance to leap before it and buck it hard.

It went tumbling down the hall. Radish pursued it, and it sprung on Radish’s face in a fury. He nodded his visor closed as it latched onto Radish’s head, pulling his ears and mane while beating his helmet.

He lowered his head and galloped, scraping it across the walls of the corridor. It leapt onto his back and wrapped its limbs around his throat. Radish rolled onto his back to get it off, but it furiously jumped up and down on his chainmail-covered belly. Radish flicked out his boot blade and buckler, attempting to stab or bash it off, but it dodged Radish’s hooves.

“Radish!” called Pinkie Pie.

“What?”

“Duck!”

Pinkie Pie leapt into the fray, tackling the monkey and whacking its head with a spatula. It screeched at her and wrapped its tail around her neck. She gasped.

Radish got his garrote wire around the monkey’s neck and pulled it off her. It howled, then went silent as it flailed. Radish put his weight on its back and continued to pull. It stopped flailing. Radish continued to pull.

Pinkie Pie looked up. She was on the verge of tears.

“Radish… please don’t make me watch a pony strangle a monkey to death. No bake sale is worth that.”

Radish felt his hooves relax. The wire retracted back into his boot, and the monkey fell to the ground. Radish flipped up his visor. He took off the creature’s gas mask and took its pulse.

“It’ll live. Sorry. Thanks.”

Pinkie Pie stood next to him and looked at the monkey.

“Is it like, a famous wanted criminal monkey here?”

“No.”

“Is there like, a famous monkey trainer who is now at the top of your suspect list?”

“No.”

“Can we get off this ship now?”

“Do you have the starcium?”

“Yep!”

She pulled the ingot out of her hair and gazed into it.

“So this is what a concretion of highly reactive minerals in magical quantum suspension looks like. Neat.”

She passed it to Radish, who tucked it into his armor under his chestplate.

“Let’s see who’s flying this tub.”

Radish reacquired his weapons and slung the monkey on his back. He trotted into the small pilothouse with Pinkie Pie. A thin blue unicorn mare was at the helm.

“Whoa! Hey there, soldier! Wasn’t expecting passengers on this milk run. Or did somepony send me a kissogram?” she said with a wink.

“Ponies do kissograms?” Pinkie Pie mused.

“I need to see your ID,” Radish said, plainly.

“I swear, I’m old enough to drive,” the pilot laughed.

“Your ID,” Radish sighed.

She showed him her badge. He compared it to a framed picture of her pilot’s license on the wall behind her.

“Been making deliveries to the port for two years, huh? You didn’t notice a monkey, an Elite guard, and the Element of Laughter climbing onto your ship as you took off?”

“The port air traffic is nuts. I have to focus on what’s in front of me, not what I just left behind. That’s a good lesson for life, too, you know.”

“And you didn’t hear us fighting across the deck?”

“Sorry, chief. This cabin’s soundproof. Has to be, otherwise the engine sound would drive me bonkers.”

“And you didn’t notice the evacuation alarm in the port as you left?”

“I sure did! That’s why I took off! Good thing I made my delivery before I had to evacuate. Why, what was the emergency?”

“Never mind that. We chased a thief onto your ship,” Radish said, nodding back to the monkey on his back, “and I need you to turn around so we can deliver it to the authorities and return what he stole.”

“Oh! A monkey robber? What did he steal, a banana?”

“Do you mind? It’s been a long day.”

“And monkeys don’t really eat bananas,” said Pinkie Pie.

“My mistake!” said the pilot. “Alrighty, lemme just make a nice easy turn, and we’ll get that bad ol’ monkey and his hot goods back into port.”

“Thank you.”

“By the way, was he on the rigging? The control feels a little mushy, and I’m worried some of the ropes have been weakened.”

“Yeah, he swung on the ropes. With a knife.”

“Could you look them over? We don’t want to lose control in the port.”

“Fine,” sighed Radish.

He stepped back onto the deck. Pinkie Pie followed him.

“I don’t trust that pilot,” she whispered. “I know cheerful, and that was a very fake, nervous kind of cheerful.”

“Her ID checked out.”

“Uh, duh? You don’t think someone planning a heist would fake an ID? Some kids back at Canterlot High have fake IDs.”

“Well, she had a point about the rigging. A monkey with a knife should not be on these ropes.”

Radish examined them.

“But they look fine.”

“Good!” said the pilot, standing at the door to the pilothouse. “Load off my mind!”

“Hey! Who’s flying this thing?” yelled Pinkie Pie.

“Miss, what are you doing out here?” asked Radish, reaching for his sword.

“This!”

She threw her telekinetic aura around Pinkie Pie and Radish. Pinkie Pie went flying into the air, dangling over the side of the ship. Radish, in his magic-resistant armor, was far more difficult to lift, and only rose a bit off the deck.

“Hey! Stop that!” he howled.

The pilot strained, increasing the power to her aura around Radish. It glowed bright and hot on him, compressing him from all sides.

“Damn fool! I’m carrying the starcium!” he shouted hoarsely through his constricted throat.

“The what?” she asked.

“What was stolen! Magic makes it explode!”

She gasped and dropped them both. Radish fell to his feet, while Pinkie Pie plunged into nothing, screaming and flailing her legs.

“Pinkie Pie!” Radish shouted.

He leapt to catch her. He grabbed her hoof as she fell past him.

“Hang on!”

“I don’t know how to hang onto a hoof with a hoof!” she cried.

“Just squeeze every muscle in it!”

She slipped out of his grip, and made a desperate chomp at Radish with her mouth. She bit down onto the tiny nub at the end of his boot’s garrote wire, yanking it out. She dangled by her teeth from the short length of the wire, panic in her eyes. Radish strained to pull himself back up.

“Hey!” Radish called to the unicorn. “You better pull us up!”

He heard a clatter on the deck behind him. The unicorn was hastily putting on a parachute.

“Hey!”

“Bye!” she yelled.

She leapt overboard and deployed her chute.

“Son of a bitch!”

“Yeh! Thunova bith!” agreed Pinkie Pie through her teeth.

Radish swung Pinkie Pie back and forth, and she grabbed the rail and pulled herself onto the deck. Radish fell onto this back, breathing hard.

“Wow,” gasped Pinkie Pie. “Your world is nuts.”

“Yeah.”

They heard a squeal.

“Is that my phone again?” Pinkie asked.

Radish looked down at his starcium warning tag.

“It’s me.”

The tag was red. It was getting hot. It was starting to stink. He pulled out the starcium. It was shaking and glowing. He inhaled sharply.

“Okay. There are parachutes on that wall. You put one on.”

“What’s wrong?”

“This starcium’s going to blow. We’re right over the medical center, so I can’t throw it overboard. Nothing on the ship can contain it. I’ll get the ship as high and as far away as possible.”

“You can’t! You’ll blow up!”

“I’ll be fine. I’m in Elite armor.”

He picked up the starcium and ran back into the pilothouse. The ingot was getting hot. He placed it on the helm.

He spun the wheel, pointing the ship toward the sea, opened up the throttle, then pulled back on the yoke. The ship ascended sharply and sped up. Pinkie Pie ran in to join him.

“I’m not leaving you! Either we leave together, or go boom together.”

Radish could tell she was serious. He checked the altimeter.

“Okay. We should be high enough. Let’s go.”

He picked up the monkey. They galloped.

They reached a rack of parachutes hooked onto the wall on the side of the ship. Radish buckled the monkey in one and sent it overboard, pulling its ripcord. Pinkie Pie struggled to put hers on.

“I, uh, don’t know how it goes on a pony,” she admitted.

Radish fixed her straps. He made sure they were cinched tightly.

“Okay, you’re good.”

“Now you put on one.”

“Goodbye, Pinkie Pie. Good luck with the bake sale.”

He tugged her ripcord and bucked her off the deck. Her parachute unfurled and dragged her into the sky while she howled in protest. He turned and ran back to the bridge. The ship was leveling off and the winds outside the ship were blowing it off-course. He corrected the heading.

Can’t let go of the wheel. I have to stay here. This is it.

He noticed a public address console at the helm. He turned it on and spoke into the mic.

“The ship is about to blow. If anyone else is onboard, get off now. If you had a part in this heist, it failed. And if you go after any other starcium, you’ll fail at that, too. Every guard would give their life to keep it from falling into the wrong hooves.”

“Maybe so, Radish Root,” he heard a voice say. He turned to see a male pegasus, clad in all black except for his white wings, standing at the door to the deck. He wore dark goggles that obscured his eyes. “But you can’t die today. There are plans in the works.”

“Who the heck are you?”

“I ain’t the Coast Guard. But you wanna live? I’m your only chance. Give me the starcium. And I’ll take that, too,” he said, pointing to Radish’s indicator tag. It was vibrating so hard it was clattering against his breastplate. Its stench was incredibly foul, and it whined like a tea kettle. Its red face turned black.

“Yeah, no thanks. I’m not giving you- hey!”

The pegasus flew over him and grabbed at the starcium ingot. It burned his hooves, making him recoil. The heat it was producing was starting to fuse it into the metal casing of the helm controls.

“Ow! Damn!”

“Whoever you are-”

“New plan!”

He flew out of the cabin, then back in through the other side door with a parachute in his hooves. He collided with Radish at high speed, flying him out of the cabin. He shoved the parachute in Radish’s hooves, snatched his tag and threw him overboard.

Radish needed a second to process what was happening to him. In a panic, he put the parachute on, secured its straps, then pulled the cord.

The parachute deployed, yanking him with a jolt. Radish looked up to see the airship. It continued to rise and correct its course to open sea. Radish ran the countdown in his mind.

Three… two…. one…

Radish averted his eyes as the ship exploded in a glorious burst of iridescent light. The shockwave shook him as he dangled. Flaming debris landed on his parachute, spreading smoldering holes spread across its canopy.

“Son of a bitch.”

He plummeted.

He shut his face visor, then assumed the safety position for falling into water. He was over the Hooveston harbor now, part of a large body of water known as the Gulf of Mexicolt, but there was no surviving it from this height.

“Radish! You jerk!” he heard Pinkie Pie yell.

Something slammed into him from the side, and he felt hooves grab him under his armpits. Pinkie Pie gripped him with all four legs and her tail.

“And you’re heavy, too!”

He looked up. She was holding him, and her parachute was holding her. The two dangled like a dandelion seed in the wind.

“I can’t believe you! I said we would get through this mess together!”

“I’m a guard, Pinkie. I'm supposed to protect others. Even if it means dying to do it.”

“Oh, yeah? Did you think how much it would hurt me to see you blown up? You should’ve protected me from that!”

“Sorry.”

Gobs of flaming debris rained down. Most of it had passed them now. He looked down. No boats were below them.

“But I think we did it,” he said.

Pinkie Pie looked at the debris.

“What is this stuff?” she asked.

Radish held out his sword and caught some. He sniffed at it.

“Airline food.”

Pinkie Pie snorted and giggled. Radish let it drop off his sword and joined her in laughter.

The pegasus in black hovered down in front of them.

“Laugh it up. You two cost me big today,” he sighed.

“Who are you?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“A very disappointed pony. That heist took weeks of planning.”

“You employed a monkey,” said Radish.

“You employed a Pinkie Pie. Which is worse?”

“Hey!” she yelled.

“What did you want the starcium for?” Radish asked.

“Oh, it has a million uses.”

“One of which we just saw,” Radish said.

“There are cheaper ways to blow something up. That starcium was meant for something constructive.”

“Then you should’ve joined a line of work that gets it requisitioned legally.”

“I suppose you were following all the rules when you barged into the airport under false pretenses?”

“I wasn’t breaking any laws.”

“Yeah? Sounds like you get to do whatever you want without consequences. Just. Like. Starlight. Glimmer.”

Radish narrowed his eyes at the pegasus. The pegasus looked up at Pinkie Pie’s parachute.

“If you’re going to kill us-” Radish warned.

“I literally just saved your life.”

“Got plans for me, huh?”

“Yep."

"What are they?"

"Telling you the plan isn't in the plan."

“Did you plan for this?”

Radish struck the flint striker on his heel, sending a shower of sparks over the pegasus. The pegasus shielded his face, and a few sparks landed on his black outfit. More than one sizzle began to spread into burning holes across his clothes.

“Oh, you vindictive asshole!” he yelled, trying to pat out the fire.

He dove away toward the water.

“Wow, I guess he didn’t plan for that,” laughed Pinkie Pie. “You know, ponies cuss so much more than I was expecting.”

“Well, it’s not all rainbows and cupcakes over here.”

“Yeah, but it’s still a fun place to visit.”

Radish noticed they were quickly approaching the water. He started to unclasp his armor’s straps.

“What are you doing?” Pinkie asked.

“I’ll drown in this armor. I have to drop it. They’ll probably never trust me in Elite gear again… but like I said, I may not be a guard for much longer.”

“That’d be a shame. You foiled a heist! You saved me, a monkey, and whoever else that ship could have blown up. And you saved my bake sale! I’d like to see a security consultant do all that.”

“Thanks. But I still have to lose the armor.”

“Maybe not. Look!”

A dozen pegasi in orange reflective jumpsuits were speeding toward them. They encircled Radish and Pinkie Pie, then spread a net taut under them. Radish and Pinkie Pie fell gracefully into it.

“Who are they?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“The Coast Guard,” answered Radish.

They breathed a sigh of relief. Their parachute fell onto them like a blanket, blocking out the rest of the world.

“You know,” said Pinkie Pie, snuggling up to Radish, “if this were a spy movie, this would be the part at the end where the hero and the girl start making out.”

“Uh…”

“Just kidding!” she said, punching his shoulder.

“Oh. Good one.”

Radish Root and Pinkie Pie sat on a bench in a dim hallway of a royal administration building in downtown Hooveston. Radish flicked out his buckler. It still worked perfectly, despite a day of action. He smiled at Equestrian royal craftsponyship. He turned to his companion.

“Hey, you should make yourself scarce. There’s going to be a lot of questions about what we were doing.”

“I said, we’re getting through this mess together.”

“We got through the mess. The rest is just paperwork. I can handle that on my own. And you’ve got that bake sale, right?”

“Yeah. The proceeds are going to the next class trip.”

“That sounds important. You’d better skedaddle back to the portal.”

“You promise you’ll be okay?”

“I will be.”

“And I don’t just mean the paperwork. Look, I can’t tell you how you should feel about Starlight Glimmer, or about staying in the Guard, or anything else. But I can tell you... thank you. Thank you for indulging me, escorting me, trusting me, and saving me.”

“Then I should say thank you. For all the same things.”

They hugged. Pinkie Pie checked her bags.

“Got everything I came for. My phone needs charging now. But here, take this for the road.”

She gave him another soda.

“Thanks. Take this, for a civilian train back up north.”

He gave her some bits.

“Thanks. Adios, pardner.”

“Happy trails.”

She trotted down the hall, to a stairwell, then giving one last nod, left.

A cadet approached Radish.

“Did Miss Pie leave?”

“Yes. She has something important to do.”

“Oh. Well, the colonel can’t talk to you now. She said to put you up in a hotel for the night.”

“Oh, nice.”

“Actually, it’s not.”