The Only Mark That Matters

A private dropped off a stack of reports to Radish’s quarters. He found Radish taking apart his cork board. The private stammered at what he was seeing.

“Sir? You’ve got something on your… well, look.”

Radish looked at his flank. There was a glow emanating from under his saddle blanket. In a flash of light, a small, translucent copy of his cutie mark burst from it and flew out his window. He went to the window and watched it go, heading south toward Ponyville. Several guards, palace staff, and tourists watched it fly past them. One quick-acting tourist snapped a photo of it.

“Oh, son of a-”

Fluttershy sat in her map room throne, mulling over a crossword puzzle. A new light in the center of the room caught her attention.

“Twilight! Spike! The map!” she called. “It’s… oh my.”

“What? Who is it?” asked Twilight, trotting into the room.

Fluttershy pointed. The map was displaying the cutie marks of Starlight Glimmer and Radish Root. Twilight and Fluttershy stared.

“What’s going on?” asked Spike, pushing open the door.

“No!” shouted Twilight and Fluttershy, shoving him out of the room.

“What? What is it?” he called from the other side of the door.

“Nothing! We’ll handle it! Do not come in this room!” cried Twilight.

“Is it Radish’s cutie mark on the map?” he asked.

“N… yes,” Twilight admitted.

“Come on! I wanna see it! I know what it is, Twilight. And you can’t keep me out of that room forever.”

“I said no, Spike. But go get a quill- we’ve got letters to send.”

Radish stood before Barrel Roller’s desk. She chewed gum and blew a bubble. It popped.

“A ‘Friendship Mission’, Root?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Well, her highness Princess Sparkle recently issued a protocol for how this kind of thing works.”

She pulled out a thick ring binder and slapped it onto her desk. She opened it and flipped through it.

“And wouldn’t you know it, there’s a section in case a guard gets called on one. And by ‘guard’, it’s pretty obvious she had you in mind.”

“I swear, I didn’t ask for this.”

“Why would you? Go report to her castle. These things apparently usually take a day or two, so pack for four. And no armor or weapons.”

“Ma’am?”

“That’s what she says, Root. Apparently, spreading friendship far and wide means going in unprotected and unarmed. Oh, and I’m not counting this as overtime. This is practically a vacation.”

A trail of dragon smoke flew into the office and burst into two scrolls on Barrel Roller’s desk. One was addressed to Radish, the other to Barrel Roller. Both had an “Urgent” tag. Radish and Barrel Roller traded glances and read them.

Radish grimaced at his letter. Barrel Roller sat back in her chair and sighed, then looked at Radish sympathetically.

“I’m sorry, Root. That stinks.”

“I appreciate that, ma’am.”

“Hey, go talk to Chuck. I’m not putting you near Starlight Glimmer unprepared. And about that overtime- yeah, this counts.”

The Quartermaster stared at Radish’s request list.

“A princess-grade anticornium horn-nullifying mesh cage? You know there’s only one of those in existence, right? And you can’t requisition it?”

“I really think I’ll need it.”

“Nope. Sorry.”

“Okay, three military-grade rings.”

“Can’t do it. Anticornium is strictly controlled.”

“Yeah, controlled so it can be used when needed. I’ve requisitioned it before.”

“On real missions. This is a Friendship Mission, isn’t it? I’ve read the rules. Horn nullifying isn’t friendly, apparently.”

“What about sports-grade rings?”

“You’ll have to talk to the royal gamesmaster. But I can guarantee you, unless your Friendship Mission is to a stadium, it’ll be a ‘no’ from her. However, if you’re worried about Glimmer going rogue on you, I can offer a better option.”

He pulled a long wooden box out from under the counter. He opened it. Inside was a large machete.

“I can’t give you a weapon, but I can give you what I’ve officially classified as ‘a multi-function survival tool’. I call it the ‘Root Cutter’. Inspired by your first out-of-palace mission.”

“Really?”

He held it up.

“The handle is lengthened, and a custom microgroove grip has been added so that it can be easily used by hoof, mouth, or tail. It’s insulated against electricity. The butt of the handle is a reinforced blunt point, which can shatter glass, stone, or a skull. The blade weight has been increased to best take advantage of a well-exercised earth pony’s strength.”

He showed Radish the side of the blade.

“It’s made of swashbuckler steel. The trailing edge is serrated for sawing. This side has multiple angled facets made of starsilver and polished to a mirror sheen. It’s ostensibly for emergency signaling, but the reflections it makes can dazzle, distract, and blind a unicorn trying to pop off a spell. The main blade’s been chemically tempered- it’s perfect for cleanly slicing through the thickest of underbrush… or a unicorn horn, if need be.”

“I didn’t want to disable her permanently, just keep her restrained if she goes nuts on me.”

“I know everyone’s about redemption nowadays, but some ponies are beyond help. I’ve read the reports on Glimmer.”

Radish picked up the machete. He ran a hoof along its edge. Then, he looked at the Quartermaster.

“Is this some secret test of character from Celestia? She hates loopholes.”

“Nope. I crafted this with our prototyping budget. And if PC wants to tan my hide over this, so be it. I’m not going to send a guard up against a dangerous spellcaster without some kind of edge. And this edge has just been sharpened.”

“I’ll take it. And hope I’ll never have to use it.”

“Great. Oh, and I took the liberty of inscribing a slightly more inspirational motto on the other side.”

He flipped it over. In modern Ponish, it read, “You push me, I push back.”

“Remember that? It’s what you said during your cage match with Celestia. If Glimmer betrays you, it might be the last thing she ever sees.”

Radish gave the blade a practice swing. It cut the air silently.

“Thanks, Chuck. But she’s not going to see it coming.”

Radish stood outside Twilight’s castle. Somewhere inside, a criminal was waiting for him. He took a deep breath, and reached for the door. It opened before he touched it, and Twilight Sparkle was standing in front of him.

“Hi, Radish. Come in.”

He entered the foyer with her. It was darker than he remembered.

“Look, I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling, but-”

“I just want to get this over with.”

“That’s not in the spirit of Friendship Missions. And what is that?” she asked, pointing to the Root Cutter sheathed to his side.

“A multi-function survival tool.”

“That is notin the spirit of Friendship Missions, either.”

“Twilight, do I have to do this? I have actual work I need to do.”

“It’s important. It always is. The map has never steered us wrong.”

“Can I just opt out of the thing?”

“Opt out of Friendship, Radish?”

“Is there like, a ‘cancel’ button on it?”

“No. Look, I want you to play nice with Starlight. She’s very apprehensive about this. But I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt her, right?”

“Oh, I promise I won’t take any unwarranted actions against her.”

“See, when you throw in ambiguous modifiers like that, it’s like you’re giving yourself wiggle room to do whatever you want.”

“I swear, on my honor as a guard, I won’t harm her, unless I see a need to.”

“Radish!”

“Best I can do.”

“No, it’s not. Radish… I beseech you.”

“You beseech? That’s new.”

Twilight prostrated herself on the floor before Radish. He frowned.

“Get up, you’re a princess.”

“Please, Radish, I humbly beg you to see Starlight safely through this mission.”

“You don’t humble yourself for a monster.”

“Please… in the name of Friendship. Please do this for me.”

“Geez, get up.”

“Please?”

“Okay! Okay. I promise you.”

Twilight stood up and hugged him.

“Thank you!”

“You’re too good at manipulating others, you know that?”

“You were always going to say ‘yes’. I just needed to get us there while there’s daylight left.”

“Yeah. But let me be serious about one thing.”

He pulled out a bundle of envelopes from his pocket.

“If I die out there, these are letters for you six, the princesses, Spike, and some others.”

“Radish!”

He passed them to her. Twilight looked at them, horrified.

“I gave the same to Light and my folks a while ago. Just keep them safe. Don’t read any.”

“I… okay.”

“I mean it. Don’t read yours.”

“Why? I thought we already had all our cards on the table.”

“All the cards but a farewell one.”

“It won’t come to that. You’ll be fine! Come on, time’s wasting.”

Radish took a deep breath and opened the doors to the central chamber. There was the map. There was his mark. There was her mark, dancing with it. There was her.

Starlight Glimmer was at the table. Her manestyle was different, and she had noticeably put on weight. She saw Radish, and cowered a few steps back sheepishly.

“Hello, major…”

“Miss Glimmer.”

“Starlight, I believe you had something to say to Radish?”

“I’m sorry,” she said, bowing her head. “Please forgive me for what I did to you and Light.”

“No,” said Radish plainly.

“Twilight?” asked Starlight in a worried tone.

“I’m sorry, Starlight. But you can’t force forgiveness, you can only earn it,” Twilight said.

“Earn it? Haven’t I done enough? I’ve saved this whole country, including you! I even rescued the princess on your flanks! Everyone else has forgiven me! Who do you think you are!?”

Radish let his hoof drift to his side where the Root Cutter was sheathed.

“Yeah? Try it!” she said, horn aglow.

“You two, stop!” hissed Twilight.

“This isn’t going to work, Twilight,” said Radish. “Just turn off your coffee table. I’m out of here.”

“No! You think Princess Celestia would tolerate you refusing a mission from her? You’re disrespecting my crown by refusing this one.”

“Celestia signs my checks.”

“Should I bring her here to talk about it?”

“Yeah. Go ahead.”

“No need. She’s already here.”

“Oh you’ve got to be-”

“Is that my cue? Hello, major,” said Celestia, entering the room.

Radish sighed heavily.

“Your highness,” he said, saluting.

“Radish. How are you feeling?”

“Unhappy.”

“I know. But consider the situation. If this mission goes uncompleted, this map will continue to display your cutie marks. Possibly forever.”

She looked at her own tiny image over the map. She smiled.

“Ah, hello, my old friend. Still enjoying it, I see. I sure hope Spike or the Cutie Mark Crusaders don’t come in here and see you in such a state.”

Radish scowled at the ground and muttered something under his breath.

“What was that, major?”

“I said, come on, Starlight. Let’s see what this furniture wants from us.”

“Good, that’s what I thought you said. Now, seeing as Twilight and I have a spa appointment, we’ll leave you to plan your mission. Happy trails, you two.”

She turned back before exiting the door.

“Oh, and major, Starlight- would you bring me back a souvenir? I haven’t been to the Wide Basin in fifty years.”

They nodded, and she slipped out the door.

“Spa appointment here in Ponyville?” pondered Starlight. “She has a world-class spa in her palace.”

“The mud’s earthier here,” sighed Radish. He looked at the map. “The Wide Basin, huh? No towns near the destination, nor buffalo tribes, nor anything of note. Just a bunch of meteorite craters.”

“Well, somepony’s out there, and they have a friendship problem we need to solve.”

“I didn’t join the Guard to solve friendship problems.”

“You joined the guard to do that, right?” she said, pointing at the glowing display of his cutie mark.

Radish peered at it.

“Yeah, I did. Though some days it’s like those positions are reversed.”

He glanced down at preliminary notes Twilight had already compiled.

“The next train to get us there leaves at two. You hungry?”

“Famished. But it’ll be my treat!”

“No, it’ll be hers,” Radish said, pointing at the little Celestia. “Friendship Mission expenses are covered by the palace’s account. I'm in the mood for something overpriced.”

“Ooh, a spite meal? Fun.”

Radish Root and Starlight Glimmer sat at a table on the veranda of Bluegrass, Ponyville’s fanciest restaurant. Radish had ordered the most expensive bottle of cava on the menu, and had downed most of it. Starlight Glimmer stared at him, worriedly.

“Are you allowed to drink on missions?”

“Oh, Glimpers, this isn’t a real mission. This is a Friendship Mission. Nothing matters and nobody cares. Want a bottle?”

“No. Look, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness. I really have changed.”

Radish stared at her neck. He wondered how he could get away with it in a crowded restaurant.

“I really have done a lot of research about cutie marks. I want to share what I’ve learned. I think I have some answers for you.”

She pulled out a file folder and hovered it in front of him, leafing through its contents.

“See I don’t think cutie marks are as old as ponykind. I think they developed over time. And I think they’re still developing- evolving. And now I think your mark is a new step in that.”

“What, I’m the next evolution in ponykind? How does me fucking Celestia fit into that?”

Radish may have said this a bit too loud, and got a few too many stares from neighboring tables, but he was way beyond caring.

“I think you’re supposed to. I think you’re supposed to have foals with Princess Celestia.”

“Okay. Can you put that in writing and submit it to her? Then CC it to my fiancée, just so she’s in the loop.”

“I mean it. I think there are forces at work in our world that have designs for certain ponies, just like the map. Maybe you’re even supposed to start a dynasty together.”

“Sure. Who wouldn’t want to bring kids into a world where you’re free?”

“Radish, lay off the wine. I’m trying to do something nice for you.”

“Yeah, you’re a real saint nowadays. But it’s only because you got caught, right?”

“How dare you!”

Radish finished the bottle.

“How dare I? I’ve been Princess Celestia’s loyal royal guard for years. I’ve completed missions, saved lives, uncovered plots, and stopped enemies all in her name. And all you had to do was pause being evil for a few days, and suddenly you’re at the top of her guest list!”

“You jerk! Do you know how hard it is to go straight?”

“No, but I know how hard it is to never go crooked. It’s actually really easy! Just about everypony else in the world except you has managed it! Every guard I work with has amazingly never resorted to supervillainy! And yet you’re the one who gets parties for pretending to be less of a monster than you are!”

“You… asshole!”

“Witch!”

“Meathead!”

“Fraud!”

“You’re just a grubby little beet farmer who only got famous for the pornography on his ass!”

“Well, you’re fat.”

“Gentlecolt! Lady! Can I get you anything else?” said the waiter, approaching. “The check, perhaps?”

“Here,” said Radish, giving him his royal expense card. “And give yourself a fifty percent tip. Tipping is something us non-villains do, Miss Glimmer. But if I ever dined and dashed, I’m sure Twilight would just forgive me and throw me a parade!”

“I’m going to the train station,” hissed Starlight. “If you want to come, fine. If you want to lay on the tracks, that’s fine too!”

She gathered up her files and teleported away with a sound of thunder.

“Don’t mind her,” Radish said to the surrounding patrons. “She just had a minor inconvenience, so she’ll probably blow up the universe over it.”

A few tables away, Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia cringed behind their menus.

“Princess…”

“Twilight… I should shut this down now.”

“Please don’t. This is all part of the process of a Friendship Mission. I swear, they’ll come out of it as tight friends, and the world will be better for it. Besides, I actually never put an alcohol restriction on Friendship Missions. And I guess I never set limits on expenses, either. Radish is good at finding loopholes, isn’t he?”

“That was a bottle of Casa Cursi he just expensed. The last one I had we opened at your coronation.”

“Princess, do you think he was right? Am I cheapening the goodness of loyal guard ponies by over-celebrating reformed villains? Why should anypony want to be a guard, if being an ex-criminal is more rewarding?”

“Twilight… you may be right. Perhaps the guards are due more reward. Did you have something in mind?”

“Maybe we could throw them a big party?”

“I think they’d prefer something more material.”

Radish finished his meal and signed the bill. He left the restaurant. Princess Celestia floated his bill to herself and read it. She swore in a most un-princess-like fashion.

“You know, Twilight, sometimes Radish really gets my goat.”

“He’s just frustrated with you.”

“Well, I’m not going to sleep with him.”

“Princess! I meant because of the mission!”

“Oh. Yes.”

“Princess, I’ve always been too afraid to bring it up… but now I think we’re closer than ever, more friends than a student and teacher. So I have to know, what are your feelings on Radish’s cutie marks?”

“I’ve come to terms with them. I still don’t understand them, but I am at peace with them. I will always be Radish’s friend, though if he thinks I’m paying for three appetizers-”

“All my research has hit dead ends, too. I don’t know where Starlight got what she was saying.”

“Perhaps she was trying to curry favor with him by telling him what he wants to hear.”

“But she said he should have foals with you.”

Celestia looked at Twilight, displeased.

“I’m sorry. That’s none of my business.”

“Twilight… cards on the table. Do you think I should have had sex with Radish? Fulfilled his cutie marks? Did I deny him his destiny?”

“Oh! Uh, I don’t think you should feel obligated, just because you’re on his mark.”

“What if it was my obligation? What if fate really ordained that we should start a dynasty?”

“Princess… have you ever actually had feelings for Radish?”

Celestia sat back. She smiled.

“There have been times when I’ve found him quite endearing. He has many qualities I would look for in a partner.”

“Aww.”

Celestia looked over Radish’s bill again.

“And then there are times when I couldn’t want a guy less. Look at this- he got the gold-flaked ice cream and barely touched it. I should sleep with every other guard just to spite him.”

“Uh…”

“Of course, Radish isn’t even on the market anymore. That ship has sailed.”

“Princess…”

“And Luna has this ‘Champion’ thing of hers going on with him. I swear, sometimes I don’t know if her feelings toward him are patronal, maternal, or amorous. In any case, it could cause a rift between us.”

“Princess Celestia!”

“And really, am I to believe that taking Radish to bed is supposed to do something? Like he’s the key and I’m the keyhole for some grand magical event? Is that all we amount to? And if so, why fight it? Twilight, I’ve been less vexed by issues regarding foreign relations.”

“Have you decided, your highness?”

Celestia turned around to see the waiter with a pen and notepad.

“I…”

“On what to order, I mean,” he quickly said.

“Sorry, I need a bit more time. With the menu, I mean.”

After a four-hour train ride and three hours of hiking, Radish Root and Starlight Glimmer reached the lip of a large crater in the middle of the Wide Basin. Nothing was inside it but cracked earth. The sun was starting to set.

Radish took a swig from his canteen. “Okay. This is the closest to the point on the map as I can figure. And what a surprise, there’s no one here.”

“We both knew this was going to happen, right?” Starlight sighed.

“Yeah. The friendship problem is us- so the map is forcing us to spend time with each other in a harsh environment. We’ll probably run into some kind of danger and have to rely on each other to survive, thus solidifying a bond between us.”

“That’s psychotic. What does that map think it is?”

“I’m not a fan, either,” Radish said.

“I bet you have some secret trick to defeating that map, huh?”

“It’s just a table. We could always smash it.”

“Twilight would be pissed,” noted Starlight.

“Well, we could cover it in barbecue sauce just before night falls. Spike eats while sleepwalking. He would gobble it up, and no one could get too mad at him.”

“Wow, that’s crazy manipulative.”

“Yeah, real villainous, huh?”

She frowned at him.

“Let’s just wait it out the clock, then go home,” Radish said. “We’ve got supplies for four days.”

“Four days in this crater?”

“Yeah. We should dig a latrine.”

“Oh, gross.”

“Yes, that’s the worst part about this mission.”

Radish unpacked his bags and started setting up a campsite. Starlight put a package on the ground and yanked a pull cord. It expanded into a frilly purple two-tiered tent.

“Nice, huh? Rarity lent it to me.”

“It’s cute.”

Radish laid out a bedroll on the crater’s slope and laid back on it, staring at the twilit horizon.

“You’re just going to sleep in the open?”

“I’m not going to sleep at all. I’ll keep watch at night. Then you can keep watch during the day while I sleep.”

“What? We’ll barely see each other, then.”

“Oh no, a flaw in the plan.”

“So you trust me to keep you safe while you sleep?”

“Well… I don’t have much choice. If you kill me, the Guard knows where you live.”

“And you’ll protect me from harm all through the night? Like how you guard Celestia and Luna?”

“Yeah, just like that.”

“Aww, that’s really sweet. Careful, major- maybe the map really wants us to fall in love.”

“Then it should have told you to pack deodorant.”

“Hey, it’s like a thousand degrees out here. Look… can we ever be friends? Is there anything I can do to make you forgive me?”

“You got me arrested.”

“You really did show your cutie marks in public, though. Things only got out of control because our justice system is broken.”

“You blasted out of prison.”

“Nopony was hurt. And I could only manage that because our prison system is broken.”

“You freed convicts to cover your escape.”

“Just dumb thugs. They were all recaptured within the week. It’s not like I freed Discord or something. Oh yeah, Celestia did that.”

“You. Hurt. Light.”

“Can I make it up to her?”

“You’re not going anywhere near her.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?”

“Live with yourself anyway.”

“Twilight says there are no two beings that can’t become friends if they try.”

“Twilight is… optimistic.”

“Not as optimistic as a guard who thought Celestia would sleep with him.”

Radish scowled at her. She shrugged.

“Can’t believe I’m banned from the map room,” Spike grumbled to himself. “I have a seat in there too.”

He entered Twilight’s study and clambered up onto her desk chair. There was a stack of envelopes on her desk.

“Hey, what's this?”

He flipped through them.

“Wow, these are all from Radish, and there’s one for everyone. Even the princesses! I'll just help him out with these.”

He fanned them out and blew fire over all of them. Multiple trails of smoke flew out the window and split, heading in several directions. Spike then clawed open the one addressed to him.

“‘Spike, if you’re reading this, then I have died.’ Wait, what? Uh oh.”

He looked out the window. He returned to the letter. He finished reading it while half-muttering the words aloud.

“Give up on Rarity? Find someone who appreciates what I have to offer? What are you talking about, Radish?”

Radish put a jalapeño chew in his mouth and sucked.

“What are those?” Starlight asked.

“Jalapeño chews.”

“May I try one?”

“They’re spicy.”

“I can handle a little spice.”

“Okay. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

She took one and ate. Radish readied his camera. She scrunched up her face, and Radish took a snapshot.

“Mffph!”

She spit it out.

“That was awful.”

“I warned you.”

She eyed the bag of chews.

“How about this- if I can finish the rest of the bag without spitting any out, you have to accept my apology and be my friend.”

“I promised Pinkie Pie I wouldn’t use food to hurt others.”

“And if I can’t finish it, I’ll carry your bags on the way back.”

“And replace the chews.”

“Deal!”

“Okay. Let’s see you try.”

She took the bag, then stuffed a clump of the candy into her mouth. She shut her mouth and chewed.

Radish advanced his camera’s roll and held it at the ready.

She narrowed her eyes at him and chewed defiantly. Sweat poured down her face. She leaned back, her eyes tearing up and her nose running. Radish took a picture.

She shuddered, spit out the chewed mass, then dove for her canteen. She chugged her water until she coughed hoarsely.

She hunched over and made a series of strained whimpering sounds. She fell onto her side, clutching her gut. Radish took another photo.

“Ugggh… I give up.”

“Oh, darn. So much for our big Friendship Mission.”

“Friendship Mission? What’s that?” called a loud voice over the ridge. They turned to see. A tall beige earth stallion in desert gear was standing over them.

“Howdy there!” called Radish.

“Howdy yourself! I hope I’m not disturbing your camping trip.”

Radish would have preferred to stay undercover and lie that he really was camping, but one of the protocols of a Friendship Mission was that one had to be open and honest with strangers, no matter how bad of an idea it was.

“Actually, I’m a royal guard on a mission. This is my attaché.”

“Enchanté, attaché,” he said, doffing his hat to Starlight.

“And you are?” she asked suspiciously.

“A meteorite hunter! This area gets more than anywhere else. And they contain precious metals, unique gems, and sometimes more otherworldly prizes.”

“Well, we’re not here to jump on any claims,” Radish said. “We got a sort of distress call from here. Do you know anypony who needs help out here?”

“Actually, I do!”

“You do? Who?”

“You two!”

He hurled a glass vial at Starlight’s feet. It burst into a dense green gas. She reared up shouting in surprise, then fell over unconscious.

Radish was already behind the pony, holding the Root Cutter to his throat.

“For your sake, she had better survive whatever that was.”

“Why? She’s just a villain, biding her time until she can betray everyone again.”

“She’s under my protection. I gave my word.”

“Can’t help you there.”

A white pegasus dropped out of the sky next to Starlight. He put his boot on her neck.

“Drop the weapon.”

“It’s a multi-function survival tool.”

He pressed his hoof down. Starlight’s breathing became agonal.

“Okay!” said Radish, dropping the Root Cutter. The earth pony grabbed his hoof and tossed him into the crater. Another glass vial snapped next to him, and Radish held his breath. The pegasus stomped on Radish’s stomach, causing him to gasp in the gas.

Radish was out.

Apple Bloom entered the kitchen of the Sweet Apple Acres farmhouse with an envelope on her head.

“Sis, you got a letter from Mr. Root. Spike flamed it here.”

“Huh, lemme see that.”

Applejack opened the letter and read aloud.

“Dear Applejack, by the time you read this, I will be… dead?! What in the-!”

“…and while I regret that we did not spend as much time together as we could have, I cherish the times we did…” read Fluttershy. She curled up into a ball, and Angel hugged her tight.

“…though you and I were pretty different, that was never an impediment to any two being becoming friends,” read a teary-eyed Pinkie Pie. “I always held the utmost respect for you…”

“…your talents, your bravery, and your unwavering commitment to making Equestria a better place for all…” read Rarity, taking off her glasses to wipe her eyes.

“…whatever ultimately happened to me, I would ask that you let it go. Even if my death was the result of the actions of others, I do not want you to seek revenge, but to live your life and find your own happiness…” Rainbow Dash read, looking up from the letter and out of her window. She sniffled. “I will, buddy. I will.”

“…because I cared about you, in ways I cannot adequately put to pen...” read Luna to Celestia.

“…or fully understand myself. I can only hope I enriched your life even a fraction of how much you enriched mine…” read Celestia to Luna. “Goodbye, my dear friend. Sincerely, Major Radish Root.”

The two sisters looked at each other. They hugged. Then, a new letter rode into their throne room on smoke.

“Please disregard the previous letter,” read Celestia. “it was delivered prematurely.”

“I am going to kill Spike for this,” said Luna.

“Not until I’m done with him.”

Radish awoke in a deep pit.

He looked over himself. He had been stripped of everything, even his clothes. He brushed the fur over his cutie marks. Whoever had stripped him, had seen them. His engagement band was gone.

“Son of a nag,” he grumbled, looking skyward. The pit was over five meters wide and thirty meters tall. The opening was a circle of light crisscrossed by bars. The walls and floor were pumice.

“Hello up there!”

No response.

“I’m a major in the Royal Guard! By kidnapping me, you have made yourselves the enemies of the most powerful ponies in the world, and they know where we are! Free me now, and I can make things easier on you! But if you hurt Glimmer, I’ll pay you back triple!”

No response.

Radish sighed. He walked over to a wall and smashed his hoof into it, forming a circular hoof hold. He smashed another, then another. He started to climb. Cracks formed in the wall between holds and it collapsed, sending him back to the floor in a shower of pumice shards.

A silhouette appeared in the opening above him.

“Having fun down there?” it called.

“Laugh a minute! Who are you?”

“I told you! I’m a meteorite hunter!” he answered.

“In case it needed to be said, we’re not meteorites!”

“No, but you’re a valuable couple of stars!”

“Where is she?”

“You mean, where’s Starlight Glimmer? Asleep.”

“What is this about?”

“Power! What else?” the meteorite hunter laughed, then vanished.

“Get back here!”

He didn’t. Radish sat and took stock of his situation.

In a pit. No tools except pumice shards. Won’t be reported missing for days.

I could try to go back to sleep, warn Luna. Unless it’s day now, and she’s not working.

There was that time Cadance felt my despair and homed in on me. But she was already looking for me.

Starlight is supposedly friends with Discord. I could try to call out to him.

Radish shuddered.

Nope. Not doing that.

So what now? They want me for something. I just need to wait for their next move.

A rope ladder fell in front of Radish.

Oh, there it is.

Radish reached the top of the pit, where the covering grate had been pulled off to the side. He emerged into a wide, short room with roughly-hewn rock walls, evidently inside a cave. The earth pony was there, Root Cutter in hoof.

“So, now what?” Radish asked, annoyed.

The earth pony pointed the machete toward a door.

“Thataway.”

He goaded Radish down a hall, through more doors, into a massive cavern of mesh metal catwalks suspended over a deep black pit. The top of the room was a rocky hole gaping open to the night sky. Radish wondered if he was in a dormant volcano.

Suspended in the center of the room was a massive machine. Pipes, wires, and odder conduits flowed from one strange blocky component to another. Several of these components looked like glass tanks, inside of which various crystals and stones were wired or suspended in murky fluid. Around the base of it all was an elaborate control station, with a porthole-like viewer. The machine hummed, whined, and occasionally sputtered out steam. A continuous-feed printer was spitting out a long roll of readings, which folded neatly into a collecting bin. Several pointed multicolored crystals jutted out of the top of the machine, pointing to the night sky.

Radish took it all in, feeling as overwhelmed as the first time he saw Canterlot. Then, he noticed one of the glass tanks bolted onto the center machine. Starlight was unconscious inside it. It was full of a green gas, like the gas used to knock out her and Radish. She was bound, gagged, and blindfolded. Electrodes had been attached to her head, chest, cutie marks, and horn.

“If you’ve hurt her-”

“I’d have done the world a favor.”

“What is all this?”

“We call it the Crystal Radioscope.”

“What’s it do?”

“Oh, a lot of fun stuff, all related to crystals. Like that crystal map of Twilight’s. Just a few buttons pushed, and it can dance to our tune.”

“You took control of the map somehow? Created a fake Friendship Mission? Lured the two of us out here?”

“That’s right.”

“Why?”

“We needed Starlight’s power. With her plugged into this, we can boost its range and abilities significantly. We could affect crystals all over Equestria in more ways than ever before- alter their functions, move them, mutate them, even destroy them.”

“To what end?”

“Imagine, holding the Crystal Empire for ransom by threatening to shut off the Crystal Heart. Or all of Central Equestria by threatening to shut down the Elements of Harmony, where they now keep the Everfree in check. Heck, we could probably hold the palace itself hostage by threatening to erupt the crystal mines it's built on. There are so many crystals around the world that do so many things, and we’ll be able to do what we want with all of them.”

“This isn’t going to work. You can’t just extort entire kingdoms and get away with it. The crowns would be on you in seconds.”

“They’ll do what we want. We could also affect the Crystal Ponies, as well. Imagine them dropping, one after the other, their little crystal organs shutting down, the streets full of them begging for the pain to stop.”

“You’re sick.”

“I’m just following my talent. We all have our talents, major,” he said, twisting his body to show off his cutie mark, a burst of sparks emanating from a geode. “Mine is working with piezoelectricity. Crystals don’t have to be just the playthings of unicorns and their magic. A pony with enough scientific knowledge can do amazing things with them as well.”

“Yet you still needed Starlight’s magic.”

“Only because you blew up our starcium.”

Radish narrowed his eyes.

“The heists? All four of them? You and that pegasus? All that starcium was for this thing?”

The stranger sighed.

“We had it all planned out. One ingot for the conduits, one for the cooling system, one for the transmitters, and one for the power source. Thanks to you, we had to seek that power source in meteorites and evil unicorns.”

“It was that delivery girl who set off the starcium. She was a friend of yours?”

“Well, temporary hire. We paid her more in a day than she could make in a month as a pilot.”

“Yeah? Who’s funding all this?”

“Not the Wagoners, if that’s what you’re worried about. Nah, we secured our funding the old-fashioned way: went to Las Pegasus, used a piezoelectric device to manipulate slot machines, and left town with fat sacks of bits.”

“And that’s not enough for you? What more could you want out of life?”

“We want a seat at the table. A say in how Equestria is run. Money can’t buy that, but this machine can guarantee it.”

“What would you do differently than the princesses?”

“Oh, we’ve got a whole manifesto written up. But trust me, it’ll be a better status quo.”

“Why summon me with Starlight? You could have drawn her out here alone.”

“As a deterrent against outside intervention. It’s an open secret that you’re the lover of Celestia, Luna, and Twilight Sparkle. What better way to keep them at bay than holding the stallion they all love hostage?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Some say Cadenza as well, but I doubt that. How about it? Have you completed the princess quadfecta?”

Radish stared at him.

“No. I hardly ever see Cadance.”

“Oh well. Play your part, and you might live to bed her, too.”

“What’s my part?”

“For now? Answer some questions. How did you know to investigate the Hooveston airship port that day? Who tipped you off?”

“I’m not telling you squat.”

The earth pony looked up at his device.

“Talk, or I’ll have the map start sending your friends to places where they’re sure to die. Twilight trusts the map implicitly, doesn’t she? She won’t even question what’s going on until everyone’s dead.”

Radish grit his teeth. He sized up his captor, working out the way to disarm him and take him down.

“Stop sizing me up. You can’t disarm me or take me down after what you were breathing. Now, who tipped you off? Tell me, or Scootaloo will go look for a friendship problem in a lava field.”

“I still don’t understand it myself. We got some kind of… warning. Maybe magic, I don’t know. Lights and sounds pointing us to the building.”

“Lights and sounds? Wait, you mean through that girl’s communication device?”

“You know about that?”

“Just rumors. We’d love to get our hooves on something like that.”

“Yeah, it looked neat.”

“It must have been keying into signals from our own starcium detector. Blast it! Of all the luck.”

“You had a starcium detector in Hooveston that day?”

“We had to make sure we were following the real ingots and not some decoys.”

“So we detected your detector? You accidentally clued us into your own heist? That’s pretty funny.”

“Not to me. And Glimmer isn’t laughing, either.”

Radish narrowed his eyes.

“Well, next point of business,” said the earth pony. Let’s talk about this.”

He threw down the file folder Starlight had tried to show him at lunch. Radish frowned.

“That’s nothing. Just her playing games with me.”

“Her research is pretty thorough. She shows her work. And her conclusion is that you’re Celestia’s fated mate. Lucky dog, you.”

“There’s no such thing as a fated mate.”

“Maybe, maybe not. But if Celestia believes it, you’re irreplaceable to her. That gives us a lot of leverage.”

“Celestia knows I’d die before I let myself be used against her.”

“That’s the leverage! Now, tell me about these.”

He pulled out a small stack of notecards bound by a ring. He tossed them at Radish’s chest. Radish took them and flipped through them.

“What are these?”

“You tell me. Glimmer had them in her bag.”

The cards each had one or a few words on them- The Sea of Omens. Better Spirits. Metal wolf. Shortshadow. Helianthus latifolia. Stirrupism. Would you rather? I spy.

Twilight had given Starlight a stack of ice-breaker topics and conversational games for the trip into the Wide Basin. Starlight hadn’t used a single one. Radish chewed the inside of his cheek.

“It’s nothing.”

“And these?”

He threw photographs down at Radish’s hooves. They were the ones Radish took of Starlight in jalapeño-induced pain.

“You developed my film? That was a new roll!”

“What’s wrong with her? Is she sick? I need her healthy for this.”

“Deathly ill. Better take her out of there.”

“You’re lying.”

“She’s pregnant. Please, for mercy’s sake, let her out.”

“If that were true, you would have said that first.”

“She ate my jalapeño candy. She’ll shit it out in your machine.”

“That’s gross, but I’m not taking her out over it.”

“You know, she’s been in worse traps than this. She got out of those.”

“She won’t get out of this one alive.”

“You said you just wanted to siphon her power!”

“Not indefinitely. The machine needs a kick start. That means we need one big boost, not a trickle. We’re going to suck it all out of her at once.”

“Killing her!?”

“I guess. I’ve never done it before.”

“Take me instead.”

“You’re an earth pony with a cutie mark nopony understands. The machine needs a boost of crystal-amplifying magic, not whatever it is you’re good at.”

“I’m pretty good at beating penny-ante villains.”

“There’s nothing penny-ante about this. Tell me what the cards mean.”

Radish looked back at them.

“They’re a one-time pad of identifying call signs. Starlight Glimmer had a network of allies all over Equestria, and this is how she communicated with them. We were working on bringing them into the fold until your phony friendship mission dragged us out here.”

“What does each one mean?”

“Only she knows. If you want to know, you better keep her alive.”

“No, I don’t really care that much about her stooges.”

“Speaking of stooges, is anypony else here, or is it just you and that pegasus?”

“You’re trying to measure your opposition. Just like in your cage match with Celestia.”

“Know about that, huh?”

“I have the Nightmare Root figure. The one for Crepuscular Haze, too. Never thought they’d be on the same side.”

“Time makes fools of us all. And so does Twilight Sparkle.”

“Imagine what I could do to her castle! Bring it down on top of her and her friends! Or detonate it and lay waste to all of Ponyville!”

“I have been imagining. I’m not liking what I'm picturing.”

“Speaking of which…”

Radish’s captor looked down to fish something out of his bag. Radish charged at him.

Radish was knocked on his back by a flurry of white. The pegasus was on him. Radish seized the pegasus’s neck and squeezed. He felt six stabbing pains in his sides. The pain increased until Radish yelped and let go.

The pegasus dragged him through the air and dropped him on a small platform suspended over the abyss by wires. He landed on the rail of a nearby catwalk and spread his wings. Six of his primary feathers each had a small blade attached to the tip. Radish looked down at the corresponding cuts in his sides.

“Don’t worry. I’d never wreck those works of art on your flanks.”

“Thanks. My friends like them. How’ve you been? I think I last left you on fire and diving for the Gulf of Mexicolt?”

“Yeah, nice to see you again, too. That was a perfectly nice outfit you ruined, and after I saved your life.”

“Well, I’m not sorry. Is this the reason you couldn’t let me die? Just to end up as your hostage now?”

“Yep! And it’s paid dividends! The future father of Celestia’s children as our hostage! I wish I could see the look on her face when she hears it.”

“Glimmer’s wrong. Celestia and I have no destiny together.”

“Don’t worry. Once we take the thrones, the two of you can have whatever relationship you want under our benevolent rule.”

“Benevolent rulers don’t carry blades.”

“No, they pay guards to carry them, right?”

The pegasus turned to his partner.

“We doing this now, Ray?”

“Ray, huh? That short for something?” asked Radish.

“Range Tracer,” replied the earth pony. “No need to keep it a secret. We’re about to give everything away. Here.”

He dropped a small white crystal to the ground. He walked over to the machine’s control panel and activated several buttons and switches. The pegasus flew over to a cabinet and pulled out a movie camera. He pointed it at his partner and started rolling.

“This is Range Tracer.”

“This is Mont Blanc!” said the pegasus, turning the camera to his face, then back to his partner.

“Hello, Celestia, remember us? Well, check out how far we’ve come!” he said, gesturing to the device behind him. “That's right, we've built something your mages could only dream of: a long-range electromechanical crystal-resonant frequency manipulator!” But that’s not all- look what else we have.”

Mont Blanc focused the camera on Starlight Glimmer’s unconscious, imprisoned body.

“We’ve got your protégé’s protégé.”

He then turned it to Radish, where he was trapped on his platform.

“And we’ve got your boyfriend,” said Mont Blanc in a singsong voice. He turned the camera back to Range Tracer, then at the crystal before him.

“An ordinary piece of quartz,” said Range Tracer. “One of the most common crystals in the world. It can be found anywhere. It’s used in so many things- watches, jewelry, art, scientific equipment… the list goes on. Watch it now.”

Range Tracer flipped some switches. The quartz vibrated, then hovered. Then it flew at Radish. He barely ducked it as it whizzed past him. It stopped midair, then flew at Radish again and again. Each time, Radish dodged it. Then, it froze in the air in front of him. The crystal turned brown and released putrid black smoke along with an angry hiss. Radish backed away from it, and it followed him to the edge of the platform.

“I can do whatever I want with it. With any crystal. You know what that means, don’t you? You want to save Equestria? Save Glimmer? Save Raddy-boy? Let’s start the negotiations. Send a pigeon with your response. I’ll send out a signal it can home in on. Send anything but a pigeon, Root pays.”

Mont Blanc turned the camera back to Radish and zoomed in on him. Radish looked into the lens.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t protect her.”

“Ah, that’s the money shot. What do you think, Monty?” asked Range Tracer.

The pegasus lowered his camera.

“Not bad. But let’s get some B-roll. We could get reaction shots of Radish- really show the terror in his eyes. And I’d love to get a desperate declaration of love to at least one princess.”

“If you send them a threat, they’ll send in AG1 to take you down!” Radish called.

“I’m not afraid of a party planner and a dressmaker!” laughed Range Tracer.

“That’s everypony’s mistake!”

The quartz caught fire and dropped in front of Radish. He kicked it into the abyss.

“Ah, overheated it,” said Range Tracer. “More where that came from.”

Range Tracer flipped a switch, and Radish’s platform shifted over to a catwalk. Radish climbed on it to see Range Tracer now holding the Root Cutter in his face.

“Now, while we start negotiations with the crowns, you’ll wait back in your pit.”

“There’s no bathroom down there.”

“Sorry, you’ll have to make do.”

“But there was something useful in it, though.”

Radish shook a pumice shard out of his tail and bucked it at Range Tracer’s face. He flinched and instinctively swatted the Root Cutter at it. It exploded into black dust, and while Range Tracer coughed on it, Radish seized him and threw him off the catwalk. He plunged into the abyss. The Root Cutter clattered to the catwalk.

The pegasus dove to rescue his partner. Radish picked up the Root Cutter and ran to Starlight’s glass prison. He shielded his eyes and bashed the case open with the butt of the handle. The green gas hissed out, and Radish held his breath. Starlight fell out of the case, her electrodes ripping free. Radish caught her and lowered her to the metal floor. He sliced off her bindings and slapped her face.

“Wake up, Glimmer! You know that danger that’s supposed to make us friends? We’re deep in it!”

A gale of pegasus wind blew Radish away from her. He landed on a catwalk, gripping one of its rails. Mont Blanc landed in front of him.

Radish picked up the Root Cutter and assumed the two-legged royal sword-fighting stance. The pegasus eyed him warily. He fanned out his feathers and brandished his blades. The two sized each other up.

“Stand down, major,” called Range Tracer. He was holding his hooves around Starlight’s neck. She was still unconscious.

“Hear that? He doesn’t think you can beat me,” sneered Radish. “He’s asking me to let you win.”

“Just put her back in the machine. I’ll be done with this in a second,” said the pegasus to his partner.

“Monty, no. Don’t play his game. He’s a guard with weapons training.”

“I’m not afraid of a guard. Nopony else is. The Royal Guard is a joke.”

He grinned, then swiped at Radish, who parried the blades with his machete. Radish struck, and forced him back. Radish advanced with several thrusts, and Mont Blanc hopped back to get some distance.

Radish approached him. Mont Blanc swiped at Radish furiously with his blades, and Radish blocked each one. He flew over Radish, who leapt and sliced his tail off. Mont Blanc landed awkwardly, then watched his tail fall into the pit with rage in his eyes.

“Joke, huh? Sorry, it went over my head,” said Radish with a grin.

Mont Blanc grinned, as well. He slashed at Radish, who slashed back. The clanging of their blades echoed through the room. They dueled back and forth across the catwalk as Range Tracer watched. Starlight’s left eye opened slowly.

Radish dodged and weaved as the six wing blades came at him from all directions. He knocked each one back with trained precision.

“Admit it- you’re having fun,” Mont Blanc said.

“You know this is the first time I’ve dueled an armed villain? You train your whole life for it, but you never realize what it’s really like until you do it.”

“And you’re fighting to save a fair damsel in distress, too!”

“Eh. Kind of fat, isn’t she?”

“Hey!” yelled Starlight, jerking to consciousness.

Mont Blanc was caught off guard by the shout and turned his head. Radish thrust forth and sliced the feathers off his left wing.

“My wing!” he howled, reeling back and looking at the stubs.

“You’ll be fine. You’ll molt new feathers in what, a year?”

“A year on the ground!”

“Yeah, how awful.”

“Enough!” howled Range Tracer.

He throttled Starlight. She struggled and raged. Her horn sparked up, and fizzled out. She gasped in exhaustion.

“Nope. Not after what you’ve been breathing. Now, major, drop the multi-function survival tool into the hole, or she stops breathing entirely.”

Mont Blanc warily approached Radish, brandishing his remaining blades.

“Empty threat,” called Radish. “You need her.”

“No, I don’t. I can always lure in Twilight Sparkle here. She’s got plenty of juice in her.”

Starlight squirmed. Range Tracer pressed his hooves.

“Stop. What do you say, major? Should I just waste this one and stick your lover in the machine?”

Starlight raised an eyebrow.

“You kill her, I’ll kill you both,” declared Radish.

Range Tracer crushed his hooves into Starlight’s neck. She struggled to breathe.

“Okay!” Radish said, holding up his blade. He tossed it over the rail, but Mont Blanc reached and snagged it out of the air. Held it in his hooves, admiring it.

“Monty, let that thing go,” called Range Tracer.

“No. He took something from me, I take something from him. Like what it says on the side!”

He held it up to show his partner the motto embossed on the blade. Radish caught his distorted reflections in its other side. He looked haggard and filthy.

“Besides, this is nice,” said Mont Blanc. “I bet Chuck hoof-made this himself.”

“You know Chuck?” asked Radish.

“Of course. We were Royal Engineers. We worked at his side, for all the good it did. Celestia never cared about outfitting her guards with the latest and greatest in weapons technology. Let me guess, you guards are still using those ridiculous collapsible spears?”

“They grow on you.”

“You could have been outfitted with piezoelectrified armor and weapons by now if we had our way. Would have come in handy during… well, every single disaster that’s hit the palace so far.”

“So what happened?”

“You’ll have to ask Celestia. She gave us one ‘no’ after another until we quit.”

“Heh, I guess you know what that’s like, major?” Range Tracer laughed.

Radish looked at his cutie marks. Starlight giggled despite herself. Radish shot her an angry glance. She then strained and tried to light up her aura around her captor, but her magic fizzled out again.

“Keep trying, you’ll get it,” sneered Range Tracer.

“Now, major, scoot. Back to your cell,” said Mont Blanc.

“Okay, but I won that fight,” Radish said.

Mont Blanc laughed. He pointed his remaining blades and directed Radish to the exit. They walked past Range Tracer, who was still gripping Starlight.

“Sorry, Starlight,” Radish sighed.

“I’m sorry, too,” she said.

She tried to light her horn. The aura glowed more steadily. Range Tracer slapped it with his hoof.

“Don’t. Everypony knows to disrupt any unicorn spell, you impact the horn. And we need your horn intact from impact. For another few minutes, anyway.”

Radish growled. He bent low and bucked Mont Blanc with both hind legs. The pegasus went flying into his partner, and both slammed against the machine and fell to the floor. Radish charged at them and leapt upon them in a fury.

The three stallions grappled. Range Tracer held Radish from behind with all four legs. Mont Blanc drew the Root Cutter up to Radish’s throat and pressed it into his flesh.

“You just don’t quit, do you!?” he scolded. “We’ve already got the film, we don’t need you alive that badly!”

Radish felt the blade slicing into his hide.

“Hey!” called Starlight.

The three stallions looked up. Starlight had scrabbled to the edge of the pit. Her eyes met with Radish’s.

“Radish! Tell Light I’m sorry! Tell Twilight… thank you.”

“What?”

She leaned back, tipped over the ledge, and fell into the darkness below.

“No!” howled Radish.

“Dumb bitch!” yelled, Mont Blanc, climbing off of Radish. He tried to take flight, momentarily forgetting he only had one good wing.

“Damn it!” cried Range Tracer. He kicked Radish away and rushed to the console. He desperately slapped buttons, pulled levers, and spun dials.

Great cracking sounds emanated from the pit. Chunks of rock and and clods of earth laden with crystals of various shapes and colors flew up from inside the hole. A mess of brown crystals floated into view with Starlight tangled in them. She struggled to get free.

“Caught you,” mocked Range Tracer. “Sorry, but the only sacrifice you’re making is to this machine.”

Starlight looked at him with defiance in her eyes. She closed her eyes and lit up her horn.

Range Tracer’s eyes widened in panic. He turned back to the controls.“Oh, you better not-”

A wave of bright blue light expanded from her horn’s tip and filled the room.

Radish felt a freezing cold wind blast over his body. He shut his eyes and gripped the ground until it subsided.

A thin layer of ice now covered everything in the room except himself and Starlight. Icicles hung off of most of the catwalks. Range Tracer and Mont Blanc were sheathed in ice, still as statues.

Radish walked over to Starlight, who was still trapped in the hovering crystals, exhausted and shivering.

He held out a hoof.

She reached out and took it. He pulled her free and set her next to him.

“You okay?” he asked.

“I feel dizzy.”

She tried to stand, but her hooves gave away. She fell over. Radish caught her, brushed the ice off a chair in front of the control panel, and sat her into it.

“Just rest,” he said. He looked at their captors. “How long will that hold them?”

“In the desert? They’ll thaw out pretty soon. Hey, you’re bleeding!”

Radish felt his throat. He looked down at his hoof. It was dripping with blood.

“It’s nothing. It’ll stop.”

“No, don’t be a tough guy. Here.”

She pulled a first aid kit off the console, opened it, and applied disinfectant to his cut.

“Ach! That stings.”

“Yeah, well, you called me fat.”

She bandaged his wound, then looked over at the frozen duo. “What do we do with them?”

“Lock them in the same pit they had me in. We’ll leave some food and water with them. It should last until somepony gets here to collect them.”

“Was there a bathroom in the pit?”

“No.”

“Serves them right. Think all that stuff they said about working at the palace was true?”

“We’ll find out when we report them.”

Radish recounted what Starlight had missed as he moved the villains with a dolly. He lowered them into the pit with provisions they had stored in the cave. He locked the grate.

He returned to the room containing the Crystal Radioscope, where the ice was melting into the abyss below. Starlight was still trying to stand. He looked up at the device. The freeze spell hadn’t seemed to have affected it, and its parts continued to hum, whirr, and light up.

“We need to disable this thing before we go. Know anything about long-range electromechanical crystal-resonant frequency manipulators?”

“No, but I know about those,” she said, pointing to a glass capsule attached to the machine. There was a large spiky red crystal wired inside. “That’s an astral sard. They produce a ton of power. Some cities use them in public works projects.”

“Is it safe?”

“Safer with us than in here.”

“Well, Celestia did ask us for a souvenir.”

Radish used the Root Cutter to break it out. The whole of the machine powered down and went silent. He held the crystal in his hooves.

“Huh. It’s warm.”

“Some say they’re formed when light from the sun meets light from the furthest star.”

“So it’s not quite a piece of the sun, but it’s kind of like… a child of the sun.”

Starlight laughed.

“The sun and her longshot partner. Sounds familiar, huh?” Starlight said, winking at Radish.

“Starlight, I’m not having kids with Celestia. I love Light.”

“Could you please talk to her about that sculpture she made of me? It’s horrible.”

“I don’t censor my fiancée. Also, you can’t prove she made that.”

“Well, then, could you at least ask her to make a hero version of Crepuscular Haze? Last time I was in the palace, tourist kids pointed at me and called me a villain. They said Nightmare Root was coming to kick my butt.”

“Villains sell better. Can you stand?”

She tried. Her hooves trembled. She leaned against the console for support.

“Barely.”

“You can levitate, right?”

“Uh…”

She put her aura around herself, and lifted herself a bit off the ground. Her aura died out and she thumped to the floor.

“Not anytime soon. That ice spell drained me.”

“Okay, then. Here.”

He put the astral sard in his bag, and then hoisted her and put her over his back. She dangled over him. He started for the door.

“What, you’re going to carry me back to civilization?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Then I can’t be that fat, can I?”

“No.”

“Are we friends now?”

“Apparently. Look.”

He nodded to his side. Glows were emanating from their cutie marks.

“I thought this Friendship Mission was a hoax,” she said.

“I guess the map still counted it as real.”

“So we are friends now! At least in the map’s eyes.”

“The map has eyes?”

“Ha. I hope not. So… are we really good?”

“You’ve done some awful things.”

“I know.”

“But I have princesses to protect. If they call you an ally, I can’t waste energy fighting them on it.”

“Yeah?”

“So, here’s the deal- if you make peace with Light, I can be at peace with you.”

“Oh. Yikes.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll try.”

“Okay.”

“Hey, look! Our stuff!” she said, pointing. Their equipment was piled up on metal shelves against the cave wall. Radish put Starlight down and rushed to dig through it.

“Yes!” he shouted.

He pulled out his engagement ring, still on its chain. He put it back around his neck and kissed it.

“Aww, sweet,” said Starlight.

He redressed in his desert gear, looking over the rest of the shelves. Their captors had evidently taken a liking to Rarity’s expanding tent, and had it set up against the wall.

“I’m not repacking that thing,” Radish said.

“I promised Rarity I would bring it back.”

“Well… if it was a promise to a friend.”

Equipped once more, they exited the cavern lair by a metal shutter. It was still night. Radish looked around. They had just exited a mountain. The crater fields of the Wide Basin stretched before them.

“Wow, they could have taken us anywhere,” Starlight said.

Radish looked up into the sky.

“Okay, there’s the North Star. And Aquarius is south of it this time of year…”

“Just follow Cygnus west,” Starlight said, pointing at the sky, “everything’s that way.”

“You can navigate by stars?”

“It’s my name, after all.”

“Huh.”

He clicked on his chest-mounted flashlight to light the ground in front of them. He carried her across the dry cracked earth. The air was cool and the night was silent.

“Wanna play I Spy?” she asked.

“Okay.”

“I spy with my little eye, something that starts with C.”

“Is it a crater?”

“You got it!”

After an hour, Radish stopped in his tracks.

“Hey, sunrise,” he said.

The sun was cresting over the horizon in the distance. It illuminated a lone cluster of buildings- the town Radish and Starlight entered the Wide Basin from.

“This is kind of nice, isn’t it?” said Starlight. She rested her chin on Radish’s head and hugged his neck.

“Watch the hooves, okay?” said Radish. “I’m an engaged stallion.”

“Oh, don’t flatter yourself. You’re not my type.”

“Let me guess, nerds are your type?”

“Yeah,” she sighed dreamily. “Wait. Who told you? Did somepony say something? Did a, uh, nerd say something?”

“It’s a popular type.”

“It’s a good type. But there are other good types, too. I heard what you said to them: ‘You kill her, I’ll kill you both.’ Nobody’s ever declared they’d avenge my death before.” she said, patting his shoulder. “That was really sweet, in a bloodthirsty way.”

“I’m sure your nerd would have said the same thing.”

“Aww. Thanks.”

She slid off his back and onto her hooves. She bent her knees and shook out her legs.

“I think I can walk now.”

“Now you can walk? We’re almost back to town.”

“Thanks for the lift.”

They entered the town and bought bus tickets to the nearest train depot.

“You know,” said Starlight, “if we tell Twilight that others were manipulating the map, it could devastate her. She’d lose all confidence in the map and the very concept of Friendship Missions.”

“Yeah.”

“I call it!”

“I call- dang.”

Twilight Sparkle paced the boards of the Ponyville train platform. A train rolled in, and she looked up apprehensively. Radish emerged from a train car with Starlight.

“Radish! Starlight! How did it go?”

Radish gave her a stack of papers.

“Here’s my preliminary report. Somepony needs to return to an abandoned mine in the Wide Basin and arrest two… mad scientists, is I guess what they were.”

“Techno-extortionists,” opined Starlight.

“What? On a Friendship Mission?”

“Oh, it wasn’t a real Friendship Mission,” said Starlight. “They remotely subverted the map’s operation to lure us into a trap.”

“What? That’s impossible!”

“Just read,” said Radish. “I have to report back to the palace. I’m bringing them a film reel.”

“Are you two at least friends now?”

Radish and Starlight looked at each other.

“We’re getting there,” said Radish.

“I think so, too,” said Starlight.

“Okay. Good.”

Radish saluted Twilight, who returned it. He reboarded the train. Twilight looked through the report Radish gave her.

“I’m sorry, Starlight, I had no idea I was putting you two in danger.”

“It’s nothing a spa day can’t make up for. Your treat.”

Radish sat in Barrel Roller’s office. She sipped coffee while reading from field reports.

“Major, we found Range Tracer and Mont Blanc right where you said we would. We’ve taken them in.”

“Good.”

“And we’ve looked over the machine. It really could do what they said it could. That thing could’ve wrecked most of the country if they got it to full power.”

“Is it being dismantled?”

“I’m having the device studied, in case someone else gets the bright idea to build one. We need to know how to counter what it can do.”

“That’s wise.”

“Root, you know what this means?”

“Ma’am?”

“You saved Equestria, Root.”

“What? No, I didn’t. Wait, did I? I did, didn’t I? I saved Equestria!”

“You’re in an exclusive club now. How’s it feel?”

“It feels… it feels… exhilarating.”

“Ride that feeling, Root. You’ve earned it.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“But when you come back down, remember that this whole thing is classified. We can’t let the world know how easy it is to build a world-destroying superweapon.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

“We do, however, need to let the world know that the starcium crisis is over. And that Radish Root was the one who ended it. You're getting a big fancy medal ceremony for this.”

“Whatever medal I get, Starlight Glimmer gets one, too.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Okay.”

“Ma’am, Twilight doesn’t really do classified. This will be public in a day.”

“No, she's kept top secrets before."

"Really? What about?"

"Can't tell you, Root. They're top secret."

"Huh."

Radish walked through the halls toward the throne room. He caught Celestia as she left her court for the day.

“Radish!”

“Hello, Princess, I- oh!”

Celestia pulled Radish into a tight hug.

“I’ve been informed that you’ve joined the ranks of Equestria-savers. I am immensely proud of you. Not to mention grateful.”

“Thank you, your highness. I have something for you.”

He pulled the astral sard out of his saddlebag.

“What’s this?” asked Celestia.

“Your souvenir from the Wide Basin. A key component of the Crystal Radioscope.”

“It’s beautiful. Thank you, Radish.”

She took it in her aura, then held it under her wing.

“Ma’am, did you know?” Radish asked.

“Radish, please. Despite appearances, I’m not all-knowing. I was as fooled by the phony mission as anyone. But…”

“But?”

“I had a feeling something important would happen out there. And I wasn’t the least bit worried, knowing you two would be there together.”

“Thank you, ma’am. May I ask about Range Tracer and Mont Blanc?”

“They did indeed work here. Very intelligent. But very loose with safety protocols. They resigned a few years before you joined.”

“Ma’am, they claimed they quit because you kept shooting down their ideas to make the palace safer. To arm the guards better.”

“This was before Nightmare Moon. In those days, I was overconfident. Complacent, even. I didn’t see the need for arming everypony to the teeth- that would be escalating against nothing, which leads to problems on its own. I thought we were sufficiently secure. And in my defense, we were for a long, long time.”

“But now?”

“I’m a lot more worried about the dangers facing all of us. And as you’ve often reminded us, the palace could use a bit more oomph in its defenses. Do you think I should extend a hoof to those two, and see if they’d be willing to work for the greater good?”

“That would be a relief. Better to have them working for us than against us. And… maybe it’s better that Starlight is on our side, too.”

“Thank you for protecting her. She says she’d be dead now if you hadn’t gone with her.”

“She saved me, as well. I’d happily guard her again.”

“I’m glad you’ve reached an accord. But as for what she was saying during lunch at Bluegrass…”

Radish’s body froze.

“I think it’s best we just ignore it,” said Celestia.

Radish took a deep breath. “Ma’am… what if she's right? Am I ruining your life, and Equestria’s future, by not… giving you kids?”

“Radish, I’ve had the privilege of teaching foals at my school since Starswirl disappeared. I adopted Cadance as my niece when she was a young mare. I spent many happy hours taking care of hatchling Spike, and now I’ll get to be a part of Flurry Heart’s life, as well. I’ve loved every opportunity I’ve had to spend time with children, but I’ve never desired any of my own. And I certainly don’t believe Equestria should be ruled by a dynasty- it should be served by those who understand the sacrifices required.”

“I see.”

“But just out of curiosity… what would you have done if I’d said, ‘Yes, Radish, let’s have foals together’?”

“I’d have fainted.”

“Ah. Then it’s a good thing I didn’t. Take care, Radish.”

“Take care, ma’am.” Radish saluted, then began to walk off.

“Oh, major? One other thing…”

He stopped and looked back. She was holding Radish’s receipt from Bluegrass in her aura. Her eyes narrowed.

“One time, Shining Armor tried to expense a fine dining bill to the palace. You know what I did to him?”

“Made him captain and married him to your niece?”

She smirked and folded the receipt away.

“Have a good night, Equestria-saver.”