The Long And Short Of It

"I’ve got three princes! Ha! Beat that, Sergeant!"

Sergeant Nocturnal Pike, guardsmare extraordinaire, was about to ruin this rookie’s night. With a feeling only found in the sweet, sweet pleasure of imminent schadenfreude, she laid her cards down on the table. “Flush of spades; read ‘em and weep, rookie."

The table erupted with laughter as the batpony sergeant reached a purple-gray hoof across the table for her well-won earnings. It was a little bit of a reach for someone of Pike's... height-impaired stature. But with practiced finesse and a premium poker face, she made no show of it. With a few clever bets and good cards, she'd managed to turn what looked to be a losing night into a sizable pile of newly won bits. Most of them from the rookie.

"I can’t bucking believe it!"

With that outburst, Pike turned her attention back to said rookie, who was the most recent addition to their off-night poker table. She'd told herself she'd actually learn the rookie's name once she’d been in her squad for more than a few days, and at the poker table for more than one night. Although at the rate she’d been losing bits, Pike was starting to doubt she'd make a repeat appearance.

“Aw, cheer up rookie, you’ve got enough bits for at least one more go."

In a clearly less than sober rage, she stomped her hoof on the table. "No way!"

The finality of this affirmation caused a wave of intrigued silence to replace the laughter. Pike had to admit that she was interested, too.

As the rookie guardsmare placed her hoof on the table it became clear what her next gambit was: a hoof wrestling match. "I’m sick of losing bits to your horseapple cards! Here’s a new bet! We settle this mare to mare! If I win, I get my bits back, and if you win I’ll double your money!"
There was a brief pause as both Pike and the rest of the table processed what she just said.

Followed immediately by uproarious laughter.

'The teats on this mare!'

The mare sitting to the rookie’s right slapped her on the back. "Hahaha! You really think.. Hahahaaaaa! You, can beat her? That’s Nocturnal Pike you’re talking to, rookie! She’s spent more time wailing on those training dummies than you’ve spent in your armor!"

It's true, the batpony did have a bit of a reputation, and not an unearned one at that. When she'd joined the guard, it was obvious to everyone she was shorter than the average mare.

Way shorter.

Any shorter, and she’d probably legally be a dwarf. This of course was an endless font of teasing and ridicule. But instead of letting it turn the thestral into a grumpy bitch, she channeled it into a much more constructive outlet: training really bucking hard and being damn good at her job. As Pike raged at her marelet stature, and at the part of her she'd locked away—'and am definitely not thinking about right now. Nope, not one bit'—she quickly became known as a guard of impeccable record, with an unrivaled physique.

The same physique this rookie was now foolishly challenging.

Pike smiled at the table and gestured for them to cease their laughter. “Now now, fillies, let the mare dig her own grave." She met the rookie's defiant gaze and assumed the proper hoof wrestling position. “Midnight, count us off!"

The mare to Pike's right smiled, knowing what was to come. "If you say so Pike... Three, two, one... go!"

The rookie immediately poured all her strength into pushing Pike's hoof over, hoping for a quick, metaphorical sprint to the finish. She had to admit, the rookie was stronger than Pike had thought she would be, but after losing some ground at her initial push, the Sergeant was slowly gaining that ground back.

As the rookie's hoof got closer and closer to the table, Pike glanced around the bar. Ponies around them had started passing bits of their own around, no doubt placing bets on the outcome of this duel.

Meeting the rookie’s determined stare with a cocksure grin, Pike sealed the deal and slammed her hoof into the table, finalizing her victory.

The crowd that had gathered while they were in the zone immediately erupted into a cheer. A cheer that at first brought an angry frown to the Rookie’s face, but one which quickly melted away once she'd realized that the crowd was, at that point, most of the bar. Utterly mortified, the rookie placed her head in her hooves, looking like she was going to tear up in shame at any moment.

'Luna’s stars above, who trained this mare? Who raised her?'

“Sweet Celestia rookie, you only lost a hoof wrestling match. Don’t be such a stallion about it."
"B-but...Sergeant Pike, I-I just made a total fool of myself."

'So much for teats.'

Pike had thought she seemed a little colty on shift, but not this much. Hopefully it was just the alcohol talking. “You really think most of these ponies are gonna remember this come tomorrow morning? Of course not!" The rookie's eyes weren't looking quite as misty anymore, but she still looked unsure. Pike continued. "And keep your money, I don’t need it." The rookie's gaze turned hopeful. Pike smirked. "But you’ve just earned yourself a month on the blue-shift."

Her hopeful face was immediately replaced with one of fear. "S-sergeant Pike wait, please!"

Stepping up from the table, Nocturnal Pike turned around and began walking toward the bar, before turning her head around and shouted over the raucous crowd, "Next time try not being such a little bastard!"

Seated firmly at the bar was a pleasantly tipsy Anonymous. Turning away from the spectacle to stare at his fuzzy green hooves, he couldn't help but ponder the circumstances of his life and how he got here.

Probably that freak camping/lightning/experimental panini maker accident.

Actually now that he'd stopped to think about it, it was definitely that. He'd told those bastards it would never work! And now he was the one paying the price, trapped in a magic land of pastel horses!

No one had any idea how to change him back or send him home, so for the foreseeable future, he'd remain what he'd become: Anonymous the unicorn, forever trapped in Bruma! At least it felt like Bruma, or even that island from Wonder Woman.

All the men are women!

And in a world where all the men are women, Anonymous had found it kind of difficult to connect with anyone. He really didn’t have many female friends back on earth, and that was a trend that had transferred across the dimensional divide much more seamlessly than he would have liked to the number of stallions he hung out with. They were all just so ridiculously girly!

And as far as female friends here, there was typically too much of a culture clash. Most mares would, at first, be interested and enthused by his 'janefilly'—as they call it—exterior, but once they'd dug into the meat and potatoes, they quickly became less so. Frankly, they all thought he was a “bucking weirdo."

Things were even worse when it came to romance; Anon didn’t have a domestic bone in his body.

'Daddy raised me to be a breadWINNER, goddamn it!'

And the mares were not hip to a stallion who wasn't even slightly a homemaker, nevermind that he lacked the skills to even do it in the first place.

And all that was why he found himself here.

Drinking alone.

Again.

Or, so he'd thought, until the sound of a voice to his left side clued him in that might not entirely be the case.

“Hey there, stud."

Nocturnal Pike liked her chances.

After leaving the rookie to wallow in the fact she'd just been assigned to guard Blueblood’s “personal" hallway for the next month, Pike had intended to buy herself a drink and retire to the squad's drinking table.

But then she saw a far better option.

A green unicorn stallion with a black mane, sitting at the bar and drinking alone.

A tall green unicorn stallion.

A really tall, green unicorn stallion.

And she wasn't thinking that just because she was short; one glance at him and she was sure he’d even tower over those colts they let into the guard after that lawsuit!

'HolyCowImagineWhatItWouldBeLikeToBeHisLittleSpo-'

Pike shook her head to banish those unmarely thoughts. She may not be a big pony, but mares big-spoon, dammit!

But that didn't change the fact that tall stallions definitely did something to her. So much so that she knew she’d be beating herself up all night if she didn’t try to score, no matter how airheaded he ended up being. So here she was, bringing her A-game.

Posture: casual.

Smile: assured.

Charm: at maximum.

Hoping he just saw her display of raw femininity? Absolutely.

"What’s a cute stallion like you doing drinking alone?"

Anon turned to face his addressor. Or, at least he tried to, but when he turned his head in the direction he'd heard the voice come from, there was no one there. He was confused for a brief moment, until the sound of someone clearing their throat directed his attention downwards.
Downwards to the sight of the smallest pony he'd ever seen.

'I mean, this bitch tiny.'

She was one of those half-bat half-horses.

'Thestrals?' He thought that's what they were. Vaguely, he recognized her as the pony who'd just won the “hoof" wrestling contest. She had a purple-grey coat, with a dark blue mane that had some lighter blue streaks running through it. He looked closer at her amber colored eyes, as they awkwardly glance arou-

'Wait, oh fuck.'

'That whole time I was staring at her she was just sitting there waiting for an answer!'

'Shitshitshitsh-'

“Haha, just, uh, trying to meet some new peo-uh, ponies!" Anonymous smiled what he hoped was his most disarming smile, and desperately waited for the normal flow of conversation to resume.

Any second now.

'Anyyyyyyyyyyyyyy seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeccccccccccconnnnnd'

While the stallion’s initial reaction did catch Nocturnal Pike a bit off guard, she was taking it in stride. Clearly he was just a little nervous, and there's nothing like a cool, confident mare to soothe a stallion's nerves. Flexing her forelegs and puffing her tuft, she put a reassuring smile on her face.

'He says he’s here to meet new ponies? I can work with that.'

She made a show of leaning around to look at the empty seats to either side of him. “Well, lucky for me it seems like I’m the first who’s come your way tonight. The name’s Pike, Sergeant Nocturnal Pike."

Much to her pleasure, it seemed that moving past the initial awkwardness had put the wind back under his (metaphorical) wings, as his posture relaxed and he smiled a little more earnestly.
He reached out with his hoof for a bump. "Anonymous."

A bump which Pike met. As she pulled her hoof away however, she felt something for a split second.

'Did he just try to grab my hoof?'

She caught the same confusion she'd briefly felt mirrored on his face, but before she could dwell on it, his smile, now slightly less at ease, returned.

Weird, but she put the incident out of her mind and motion for the barkeep. Time to get this colt liquored up!

Several drinks had now passed.

Pike and ‘Anon’ (as he'd asked her to call him) were both in pretty deep, and the green stallion was nearing the end of another story. “So then, hic, we took our patrol leaders chair and tent... and hoisted them into a tree! Hahahahah! He was so mad!"

She laughed genuinely. He may have been yammering on about himself (as stallions are prone to do) but at least the stories he was telling were funny. They reminded her of the kind of mischief she got up to as a filly. “Hahaha! Oh mare Anon, where did you say this happened at again?"

“Scouts."

'Scouts!?'

“Like, Colt Scouts?"

"Uhhhhhhhhh... Yes! Yes it was."
'Colt scouts!?!?!?'

Pike wasn't sure if this stallion was for real. Everypony knows colt scouts never go camping! Filly scouts were the ones who went camping! All colt scouts got to do was sell cookies and do things inside! Like Cooking! A-and sewing! And those other househusband things that she'd always wanted to do…

'This colt’s whimsy must be off the charts!'

'Don’t call him out on it though. Colts hate that. Just move on and...'

“Anon, yer, hic, y-you’re fulla horseapples!"

'...'

'It seems cider, my most stalwart wingmare... has betrayed me.'

Pike could see him processing what she'd just said, a confused look on his face. Soon that look would become the face of indignation. And then the water works would start.

'In about 3, 2...'

"Hahaaaa no I’m not! Th-that totally happened! You’re just jealous you, hic, couldn’t do that sstuff in, hic, FILLYscouts!"

Ignoring that he was right, and that she was jealous of what they got to do in colt scouts, that didn't make any sense! He just described the universal experience OF fillyscouts!

Pike's drunken brain could not handle all this whimsy.

She'd taken a lot of colts to the shack though, and he was the first that could handle being told they’re full of horseapples. That alone put him in the top ten in her book!

AND he’d somehow been keeping up with her! Without even ordering a cocktail!

AND, AND he was motioning the barkeep for more!

'Just who’s trying to get who drunk here!?!?'

It was even later, and Anonymous was pretty sure the bartender was about to cut him off. She kept staring at the enormous pile of mugs he and Pike had accumulated after he'd told her to stop taking them. Pike had said something earlier about how no stallion could outdrink a mare.

And his pride as an ex-man WOULD NOT STAND FOR THAT!

As it stood, they were dead-even, in drink and drunkenness.

Speaking of drunkenness, Pike was slurring something out. "Sssssso Anon, d-did, hic, I ev.. ever tell you how I got my cutie mark?"

'Uhhhhhhhhh'

"Uhhhhhh, mayyybe? Just t-tell me again anyway."

In response, Pike did her best attempt at shoving said cutie mark into his face. It was still pretty far away though; her legs really weren't long enough. Nonetheless, he could see the silhouette of a pony doing some kind of backflip in front of a full moon adorning those sweet, sweet flanks.

Pike grinned. "Better yet, how... howbout I take you back to my place aaaaand showya?"

The innuendo landed in a distant part of Anon's mind, but far more of it landed in a very different area.

'I just got invited!'

'To hang out!'

'AT SOMEONE’S HOUSE!'

'FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS!'

As such, with a display of enthusiasm that caught not only her, but the rest of the bar off guard, Anon shouted, “HELL YEAH! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOO!"

Leaping off of his stool and stumbling towards the door, he motioned for Pike to lead the way.

And she did, laughing all the way.

'Maaaaan, I hope she’s got Halo.'