The Long And Short Of It

As Cloak N. Dagger marched down the halls of Canterlot Castle’s visiting-dignitaries wing, it took all of her concentration to keep that march from turning into a stomp.

‘This sucks.’

Every Wednesday at noon, her Aunt Jargon would meet with her herd-sister, Tender Care, for coffee at Burny Pott’s Every Flavor Beans on the corner of Eighth Street and Horseshoe. A meeting that Cloak liked to listen in on, more often than not. It was important to keep up with one’s extended family after all! But stars forbid she try to talk to them. They’d probably take the opportunity to try to ask about HER, and that was just the worst. So eavesdropping was the obvious choice, really. And filly, had those eavesdropping sessions ever been juicy recently!

Tender, more often than not, insisted on having Jargon update her on “Anonymous,” and how his integration into pony society was going. Apparently he was the victim of some sort of tragedy in a foreign country? They maddeningly hadn’t expanded on that, at least not when Cloak had been listening. Further infuriatingly, Jargon didn’t usually have much to report; he seemed like an incorrigible janefilly.

‘Mental note: perhaps whimsy is stored in the balls after all; investigate if ball size does share a positive correlation with janefilly tendencies.’

However, last week was different. Social maladjust or not, Jargon’s faith in his reporting had been steadily growing—to the point where she actually hoofed him a pretty serious assignment: find a way to interview the incoming Kirin dignitaries. Jargon, unfortunately, hardly went into any detail with Tender, but she’d said enough that Cloak knew that Anonymous would at least be coming to the castle.

And she was ready for some bucking eye candy!

Sure, F-cup balls weren’t that uncommon in Equestria as a whole, but she lived in Canterlot. Those confounded nobles and their obsession with slim builds and trim lines had left this town’s studs with a distinctive “taut is hot” look.

She was sick of it.

And Cloak was only going to get more sick of it, because the Sarge didn’t approve her request to be transferred to front gate duty! She couldn’t believe her CO had stuck her a screech’s length from the Kirin’s door; there was no way she’d see this Anonymous all the way in here! He was obviously going to be at the front gate with every other reporter trying to hound the Kirin as they arrived.

Where else would he be? Inside the castle?

Ridiculous.

Which meant her chances of catching sight of him were nonexistent.

‘Buck.’

She’d just have to go back to occasionally staking out her sister’s workplace and hope that he actually showed up.

...And that Aunt Jargon wasn’t exaggerating about his hatred of ball bras...

The promised day had come: the Kirin delegation was arriving today, and Anonymous was ready to meet them! He’d spent the last three days learning everything he could about Kirin (‘Do NOT say Nirik with a hard r‘) and planning his infiltration of the castle. It was time to put that plan into action!

Sure, any schmuck could try their luck with the main entrance, but through some clever, and dare he say it, ingenious (if maybe-less-than-legal) investigation, Anon had found himself a perfect little side door to slide right in. And that’s where he was now, crouched in a bush and eyeballing it.

There were only two guards, one day and one night; he just needed a way to distract ‘em. Which, thanks to a chance meeting with one of his sources, had already been arranged. All it had taken was a kiss on her cheek, and the next words out of her mouth were, “How can I help m’lord?”

Well technically before that she’d said, “Ha! Take that mom! I’m NOT a kissless virgin!” but Anon was in no place to judge.

From there the two of them worked out a simple plan: she’d run distraction, and he’d run inside while she did. Easy!

Speaking of the plan, now that he was in position, she should be starting riiiight aboooooout—

CRASH

‘Now!’

Glancing towards the source of the noise, he spotted the bush the two of them had picked out as ‘the most ideal place for a distraction.’

In fact, as he focused a bit on the bush she’d just dove into, he could've sworn he saw a peach colored trail leading right into her collision point with said shrubbery. ‘Jeez, how fast was she going?’ He hoped she didn’t actually hurt herself.

But, whether she did or not, her struggles started right on schedule. “HELP!”

Turning toward the guards, Anon prayed they’d take the bait and waited for his chance.

“PLEASE, HELP!” The first shout seemingly wasn’t enough to break their concentration, but the second one…

The two of them only shared a quick look, but it was enough to let him know he had them.

Shaking her head in disbelief, the night guard broke their silence. “Was that, Bombshell?”

‘Bombshell? But she told me her name was Seashell?’

‘Has she really been caught snooping enough times that they’ve got a nickname for her?’

That actually kinda made him feel bad.

“Celestia above, she better not have been snooping again,” the day mare replied.

The night guard just shrugged. “Eh, the klutz probably just wasn’t watching where she was flying.” Seemingly done discussing the matter, she stepped over and started trying to pull Seashell out of the bush.

‘Damn!’ The day guard was staying put! Fortunately, the two of them had planned for this. Having seen that only the night guard was helping her, Seashell started thrashing even harder. “HELP HELP HEEEEELP!”

Which, of course, made it far harder for the poor guardsmare to get her out. “Luna’s sakes, I’m trying to! Calm down!” After a few more moments of this, the night guard finally turned to her companion. “Could you help me out with this?”

Which prompted the day guard to heave a sigh, before finally leaving her post to ‘help’ poor Seashell.

‘YES!’

Without wasting another minute, Anon ducked out of the bush and ran to the door. By the time they’d dragged poor Seashell out of the bush, he’d long since slipped away into the castle’s interior.

From there, infiltrating the castle was a relatively simple matter. After all, back when he’d first arrived, the princesses stuck him in one of the very ambassador suites he was looking for. And left him with ample time to wander the—thankfully visitor friendly—castle grounds! So now all he had to do was retrace his prior steps!

...From over a year ago.

But that was okay! If he failed here, all he needed to do was follow the guards. It stood to reason that the closer he got to where they’d be staying, the heavier the patrols would be. So between those two pieces of information, finding his destination shouldn’t be the hard part. The hard part would be not getting caught.

...Which, so far, wasn’t actually proving to be the hard part.

Either the entire castle interior was being held together with scotch tape, or all that working out he’d done when he was still human was starting to go to his head; with nothing more than a slight telekinetic push, followed by a loud crash, another suit of armor went down. Peeking out from behind the pillar he was currently crouching behind, Anon spied the pair of guards he’d just scared the helmets off of.

“BUCK! What the Tartarus, did you touch that suit, private?”

The other, obviously still startled mare stuttered. “Wha- no!”

“Well, help me set it back up before somepony sees!”

‘Hehehe, works every time.’

He was in the home stretch, now. The L shaped hallway was lined with suites meant for diplomats, and he’d been going room to room trying to figure out which one the Kirin will be staying in. He’d narrowed it down to the last few, but after ducking in and out of the latest wrong room, a pair of guards rounded the corner. Meaning he was stuck in there until they passed by. Forcing him back into the room until they passed by. Thankfully, considering the state of the furniture, nopony had dared set hoof in here since the Yaks last paid a visit. And wouldn’t you know it, by the sound of their horseshoes on the castle floor, the guards had gotten close enough for eavesdropping!

Sticking his ear against the door, Anon listened in.

“I can’t believe Sarge put me so far in! I’ll never get a look at that stallion reporter in here!”

The other guard just chuckled. “Your aunt’s taking you for a ride, Cloak. A stallion? As a reporter? No way.”

That put a devilish smile on his face.

‘If only they knew…’

Unfortunately after that, all they talked about was the kind of stuff that he would’ve put in an actual gossip column, leaving him to be terribly bored until they moved on. Thankfully, he wasn’t bored for long, as he could already hear their voices and horseshoes fading down the corridor. Peeking out the door, he caught a glimpse of their retreating backs as they turned the corner into one of the minor hallways leading out of the diplomatic suites—meaning it was time for him to skedaddle!

Moving back into the corridor itself, he started making his way towards the bend in the main hall’s L shape. Beyond that bend there should only be two more suites, and either one of them would be the Kirin’s lodgings… Or he was in the complete wrong place, and probably fucked.

And as he peeked around the bend, he couldn’t help but worry that it was probably the latter. Neither of the rooms in the overly lengthy corridor had guards in front of them. In fact, it seemed that this section of hallway had no guards at all!

‘ShitShitShitShit’

He stopped himself from turning around and heading back, though. It was better to check them and confirm they weren’t the ones, than to leave and potentially miss the room he’d been looking for. So moving as quietly as possible, and walking on the very tips of his tippy... hooves, he made his way down the hallway.

Even as he kept his ears on a swivel, he couldn’t seem to find any sign of guards.

‘Alright, first room.’

Slowly pulling open the door, he glanced inside.

The walls were covered in framed images of Kirin iconography! Things like fire, portraits of notable Kirin from history… Jackpot! He had the right room!

Anon couldn’t help but smile, remembering how Celestia did this for all visiting ambassadors. It was something to show them that she cared about their history and culture. She’d even tried to do it for him when he was staying there. Although when he’d told her he was from ‘Earth’ she’d proceeded to cover the walls in pictures of dirt.

Hey, it's the thought that counts.

This was without a doubt the place he’d been seeking. It was kind of weird that there were no guards stationed in front of it, but far be it from him to complain about not having enough work.

‘Now let’s see, where should I wait…’

As he looked around the room, he spotted a chair that looked like it could spin. ‘Maybe I could—’

He was startled as something hit him right on the back, pushing him right out of his thoughts and compelling a very strange and instinctive urge to whinny, which he only barely managed to suppress. He did manage to keep it down though, and instead put that energy towards pivoting about to where he thought the projectile came from.

...Only to see an empty room.

‘Oh hey! That little red ball wasn’t there before!’

‘But where did it come from?’

“Pretty impressive I couldn’t get a whinny out of you.”

The sudden voice from behind startled Anon far more than the ball did. So he did the only thing any red blooded American would: Scream at the top of his lungs and throw the ball as hard as he could!

A few seconds earlier...

Astral Blade was taking a bit of a gamble opting to get stationed at the room that he was trying to reach. But, she figured if he was half as good as Pike seemed to believe, he’d show up.

And show up he did; the second she saw that oversized green stallion walk in the room, she knew it was Anonymous.

She also knew her gameplan: the old ‘bounce a ball off their back while secretly being in front of them, and then appear to appear out of thin air’ routine.

Which was proceeding perfectly.

Honestly, she was kind of impressed; that ball nailed him right in the withers. She’d never seen a stallion get slapped in the withers and have the wherewithal to keep quiet before. Emerging from her hiding spot—which was currently behind him, as he’d turned to face where she’d bounced the ball off the wall to hit him—and wearing a cheeky smile on her face, Astral called out to him.

”Pretty impressive I couldn’t get a whinny out of you.”

Much to her surprise, the elicited response was not, in fact, a stern ‘where do you get off slapping a stallion’s back,’ but a startled shriek, and her own ball coming back at her far faster than she ever would have expected a stallion to manage. Thankfully, her lightning fast reflexes let her duck under the ball, leaving it to sail right over her head.

“Woah, easy—”

Astral was interrupted by a sudden smashing sound.

‘...Oh no.’

Whipping herself around much like Anonymous had done just moments ago, she spied the window she was standing a few hooves in front of. Which was sporting a brand new, and very ball shaped hole.

“Fuck.”

Astral would have said buck, but the sentiment was the same.