The Long And Short Of It

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW ANY REPAIR SPELLS!?”

Anonymous the unicorn found himself in a very tense situation. “I don’t know that much magic, okay!? I’m a beginner!”

“A beginner who just blew a hole in thick-as-buck glass with a Luna damned rubber ball!”

The unicorn and guardsmare were currently scrambling about the Kirin's suite, trying to find a way to cover up the window she’d spooked him into smashing. Sure they could’ve just left it as is—if it were the middle of summer. But right now, the temperature outside was in the negatives, and the weather team had a veritable snow storm brewing. There was absolutely no way ponies weren’t going to notice if they’d just left it.

Which left them with a major problem; neither of them had any idea what to do.

Anon spoke up as he scanned the room. “If you have, like, a spellbook or something I could certainly read it and try.”

Unfortunately, Astral didn't seem to have anything to say.

Honestly, he wasn’t even sure if she’d heard him; she was entirely preoccupied with scanning the room. After a few more moments though, something seemed to click, and she finally got back to him. “Alright... Alright, here’s what we’ll do. You help me pull this manure off the walls, and we’ll set it all up in the room across the hall. That way, when they get here, I’ll just direct them to that room like nothing happened. It should work, since my duty station is right outside the door anyway.”

It seemed like an alright idea, sure. But a glance at a clock filled him with anxiety. “Are you sure there’ll be enough time? If my information is right, they’ll be here pretty soon.”

He was hit with the deadpan glare to end all deadpan glares in response. “You got a better idea?”

Admittedly, he didn’t.

Meanwhile, outside of the castle, Sergeants Nocturnal Pike and Sepulcher were the mares who would be escorting the Kirin to their suite, as was fitting for their rank. A task which would’ve been a lot more interesting if the Kirin would stop taking their sweet time and just show up already! As things stood, the two sergeants were just standing around. This only served to augment Pike’s frustration at having to deal with them at all. The thestral couldn’t help but sigh. “Luna above, what is taking them so long? Can’t they hurry up and get here already?”

Sepulcher gave her a sidelong glance, refusing to break her forward posture. “What’s the matter Nocturnal? Eager to be done with our esteemed guests before they even arrive?”

Pike rolled her eyes. Sepulcher was always a little formal for her tastes. “A little bit, yeah”

Sepulcher’s impassive gaze returned forward; she was, as always, the picture of guard stoicism. “I suppose I can relate to your position. Were I not comfortably herded, I’d likely feel similarly.”

‘Hold on, was that a dig?’

‘From Sepulcher of all ponies?’

Pike took on an air of indignation. “What’s that supposed to mean!?”

Sepulcher didn’t even flinch. “You’ve seen the pictures as well as I, Nocturnal. And you’ve undoubtedly come to the same conclusion...”

As she spoke, Pike could see the photo in her mind, and it put a frown on her face. She’d never seen a taller mare before, besides the Alicorns. And her floof… The lucky bitch probably had teats as flat as a board, too!

“...that for at least the next several months, every mare in Canterlot will be measured against Rain Shine, and fall short.” For a split second her mask cracked, and a small smile slipped through. “And while I have little to worry about, you on the other hoof....” She didn’t even look at Pike. Rather, Sepulcher looked above her. Where Pike’s eyes would’ve been if she were normally sized. “...Will undoubtedly find your stallion prospects... hampered.”

Nocturnal Pike put up a valiant effort, but she could not keep herself from putting on a peeved scowl.

‘The audacity of this mare!’

Deep down, she knew that Sepulcher probably didn’t mean anything by it. She was just a little too blunt for her own good. That was deep down though; on the surface, Pike was mad as all Tartarus! “Buck you, Sepulcher. I’ll have you know, I’ve got a steady stallion too. So my “prospects” are just fine.”

That comment (very satisfyingly) shattered Sepulcher's stoic look, replacing it with one of shock and confusion. “Oh, I... didn’t know. What are you worried about then?”

Pike opened her mouth to let her have it, but… she was actually right. Pike wasn’t sure what she was worried about. It wasn’t like Anon would leave her for Rain Shine or something like that! Besides, he wasn’t even going to meet her! So it was totally impossible they’d meet and fall in love! She was just getting herself all worked up over nothing.

Meanwhile, in the Kirin envoy’s designated bedroom...

Astral Blade thanked the stars above that Pike apparently wasn’t into airheads; otherwise, lifting the comically over decorated dresser would’ve been way more of a hassle. “Alright this is the last one. You lift that end, and I’ll lift this end. One, two, three!” She was also glad that Pike apparently had a barbarian fetish. Although, was he really a barbarian if his strength was mostly magical? Some questions, science just couldn’t answer.

“Jesus, where did Celestia even get all this crap?”

Astral grunted as she struggled to lift her end of the dresser. “I, oof, heard this stuff’s all been in storage since the last time the Kirin visited.”

“Christ, she just had this lying around? Hate to say it, but I think yo- our god-princess has a little bit of a hoarding problem.”

Astral was feeling rather peeved at that. Where did he get off, saying ‘our princess?’ She didn’t have this stuff in... oh, wait! Pike did say he was a foreigner. “I’ll have you know that my princess made do with nothing but moon rocks for a thousand years, and urges all her followers to live similarly minimalistic lives!”

Anon barked a laugh at that. “HA! Explains why my fillyfriend’s walls are so barren.”

Coming to a stop, the two of them dropped the dresser and shoved it into place. And just like that, the other room was now a perfect recreation of the previous one! Now nopony would ever know.

At least, not before maintenance went into the other room, at any rate. But it would be long past being her problem by then—and more importantly, long past being his. Pike would never forgive her if she’d played a part in getting her coltfriend involved in an international incident.

Sure, some would consider having to do all that work a complete waste of their precious time, but not her! After all, how could she call it a waste when she’d already learned so much about Pike’s coltfriend? When the chips were down, there was no squabbling over whose fault it was. Instead, he immediately set to work with the same determination as she'd had. He didn't even try to pawn off the work either; he was more than willing to take his fair share.

While janefillies weren’t Astral’s type, she could now say she certainly saw the appeal, especially to somepony as easily annoyed by coltiness as Pike. Deciding to get a better look at the unicorn, Astral gave him a real once over. Honestly he wasn’t that bad looking either—even if he was too tall for his own good. Plus he’d worked up a little bit of a sweat, and Astral always did like seeing colts work out. However, the closer she looked, the more she couldn’t help but feel that something was... off. She couldn’t quite put a hoof on it, though.

Maybe it had something to do with seeing a stallion’s angular build on a larger frame than the average mare? ...No, that wasn’t it.

‘Maybe...?’

While Anon took in the finished room, Astral gave him another scrutinizing look up and down.

‘Hmmm...’

‘...Eureka! It's his posture!’

She’d never seen a stallion stand like him before. Usually they held their heads down and forward. However, Anonymous? He stood with his head held high. For a stallion, anyway. Like some kinda weird half mare, half stallion.

Oh well; just another thing to file away under ‘he’s foreign,’ she supposed.

He turned his gaze back to her. “So uh, what happens now that our moment of camaraderie is over? You throwing me in the dungeon?”

That was another difference between him and the average stallion: he got straight to the point.

“Not at all. You want to interview Rain Shine, right? Well I propose a deal: an interview for an interview.”

His only response was a raised eyebrow. “Oh?”

She took that as an invitation to continue. Astral leaned in closer.

“You’ll get to interview her...” She smirked. “...after I interview the stallion that’s got my best friend wrapped around his hoof.”

As Anonymous watched the guardsmare take off her helmet, it all came together. As the enchantment on the armor faded, he was greeted with the sight of a deep indigo coat and a pale, dark blue mane. A set of colors that was deeply familiar to him by now; after all, Pike probably had a dozen pictures with the mare peppered around her apartment. “You’re Astral Blade!” he cried, with an accusatory hoof point.

“And you’re Anonymous; we meet at last.”

“Yeah, no fucking kidding.”

That response seemed to throw her for a loop, and her jaw practically hit the floor from his flagrant disregard for conversational etiquette. “Huh?”

Seeking to clear things up, he began to explain. “I mean, I’ve been trying to get Pike to introduce me to her friends for months! But it’s always ‘I’ll do it soon Anon’!”

Astral’s eyes lit up in recognition at that, and her voice shifted into a surprisingly good impression of Pike. “‘Just be patient, you’ll get to meet him eventually’.”

He smirked. “‘They’re pretty rowdy’...”

Astral grinned. “‘He’s pretty unique’...”

“‘I just want to wait until the time is right’!” the two of them quoted together, before bursting into a laughing fit.

Astral was the first to recover. “I can’t believe she was giving you the run around too!”

Honestly, he could, considering how many of their outings left her red in the face. She was probably worried he'd make a fool of her in front of her gal-pals. He gladly would’ve told her that he’d absolutely never do something like that!

...Intentionally!

He chuckled a bit. “Yeah, at this point, I was just about to follow her to her next poker night.”

“HA! Oh Luna that would have been a mess. At least two of the players would have tried to turn it into dress poker the second you got to the table.”

‘Dress poker?’

‘Like… oh wait, I get it.’

“With what, their armor? Would it even fit me?”

“Ha! It would definitely not fit you, and that’s why they’d want to see you in it.”

He took a moment to pull up a mental picture. He... really couldn’t see the appeal. It wasn’t like it would look like bikini armor on him or something. Maybe tight clothes themselves were just appealing?

“Huh. I feel like that’d look better in their heads.”

Astral just chuckled and walked over to the coffee table and chairs at the other end of the room. Taking a seat, she gestured to the chair across from her. "Anyway, that’s enough dilly-dallying. Come on, let's get this interview started before the Kirin get here."

Sure, that wasn't the most natural way Astral Blade could’ve changed topics. But if she didn’t make some attempt to direct the conversation, the two of them would probably have spent the rest of their precious time just cracking jokes about Pike and her horny comrades-in-arms. While she’d normally be unopposed to that, time was of the essence, and she wanted to get a better handle on the colt that had wrapped her best friend around his hooves—something more substantial than ‘he’s got a good sense of humor for a stallion.’

So she’d taken her seat, and now she was waiting for this little ‘interview’ she’d set up to begin. Anonymous, thankfully, seemed intent on humoring her, as he likewise pulled back a chair with his magic. And by the time he’d taken his seat, she knew exactly where to start.

“So Anonymous, tell me, how did you manage to get Pike bridled?”

Surprisingly, Anonymous neither laughed it off nor got defensive over it. Instead he just looked confused. “...What are you talking about?”

“You know, like... bridled,” she said, while making a crude gesture with both hooves on the sides of her muzzle.

Unfortunately, it seemed that he was no closer to understanding, despite Astral’s flawless explanation. “I legitimately have no idea what you’re talking about.”

She frowned.

‘How has he never heard of—’

‘Oh!’

“Ohhh, right! Sorry, your Equish is so good that I keep forgetting you’re not from Equestria.”

At the mention of his non-native status, he started chuckling and sheepishly rubbed at the back of his head. “Thanks, but back home we basically spoke the same language, so really it’s not that much of an accomplishment.”

Well, that wasn’t exactly surprising; Equish was the lingua franca across the known world. That did bring up another interesting question, though. Being in Equestria’s capital, Astral had been exposed to a lot of visitors, with a lot of different accents. But his seemed fairly unique; perhaps one of a kind.

“So, where are you from anyway?”

Normally at this point, she would have expected a stallion like him to launch into a happy little story about whatever small western country he’d come from. Instead, her question seemed to suck the life right out of him.

He sagged and let out a soul-wrenching sigh. “...It doesn’t matter. I got here in a teleportation accident. No o- pony will ever get to see it in your or my lifetime.”

Stars... she honestly didn’t know what to say to that. ‘Undiscovered West’ indeed. Tartarus, that was not the kind of story she was ready for. “That’s uh, that’s pretty rough.”

He huffed. “No kidding. For all intents and purposes, I just popped into a whole new world one day. Right smack dab in the middle of the Canterlot gardens.”

‘Mare, that’s genuinely awful.’

It was coming back to her now; there was an unsolved case of non-consensual teleportation just a little over a year ago. Astral had assumed it was just some schmuck from the school, but to think it was that far away… She honestly didn’t know what to say beyond ‘that really sucks.’

Thankfully, he seemed just as eager to switch subjects as she was. “Yeah... it was rough. Things are a lot better now, though.”

Ah, and she could probably guess why.

He may be foreign, and he may be a janefilly...

But nothing perked up a stallion more than finding a home to make.

“Because you’ve got a fillyfriend now, right?”

“Well I wouldn’t say it like that. She’s done a lot more than just be a fillyfriend, you know? Like how many mares would be willing to do a couple's cooking class so their coltfriend could learn how to cook?”

‘Ha! Pike doing a cooking class?’

Astral smiled at the mental image. “How in Equestria did you convince her to do that?”

“I didn’t, it was her idea.”

‘WHAT!?’

Luna’s stars, Astral could feel her eyes trying to bug out of her head! Pike? Learning a remotely colty skill!? Buck, she could still remember how Pike had been gifted an Easy Bake Oven as a secret present at last year's Hearth’s Warming party. She’d smashed the darn thing in a rage! There was no way in Tartarus that anypony was going to claim to be the giver of that gift. Now she was doing a couple’s cooking class? What in Equestria could have changed?

‘Ooooooh wait, I get it.’

For years Pike had been complaining about how she wished stallions could be ‘just like us mares.’ Now that the universe had seen fit to provide her with a coltfriend that was exactly that, cons and all, she’d finally realized that maybe having a stallion who acted like a mare wasn’t all that. She was trying to have her cake and eat it too... clever bitch.

It looked like she’d get to, as well. Janefilly or not, it seemed like Anonymous was earnest about learning.

“So your dad didn’t teach you then?”

“No, it’s... just not really something dads do back home.”

‘Luna, does that mean he comes from an entire nation of janefillies?’

That was a scary thought. Astral liked her stallions masculine, thank you very much.

Not to imply she hadn’t been enjoying Anonymous’ company! While Pike was clearly bridled, if this janefilly to end all janefillies was willing to be more colty just for her… Well, she’d wager that the bridling went both ways.

It made her want to see those two doing something together.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a staccato BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.

‘Oh! Times up.’

Anonymous, clearly not expecting the interruption, cried out. “What the hell is that!?”

Holding up her right forehoof, Astral showed off the now flashing and beeping shin guard. “It’s some new magic communicator we’ve started using, and this signal can only mean one thing: they’ve arrived.”