Author's Note

The Boondocks Season 2 Episode 4, Stinkmeaner Strikes Back, is highly recommended viewing to understand the references in this chapter.

Chapter 17

Nocturnal Pike was escorting the WORST Princess and her student, and she was not in a good mood.

‘Stupid Celestia, this mess is all her fault. Why can’t she just buck off to the sun for a thousand years and let the Best Princess run things for a change!’

Unfortunately for the sergeant, it seemed her internal rant had triggered Princess Celestia’s uncanny ability to read ponies.

“You seem upset, my little pony, what is the matter?”

‘’My little pony,’ buck you, the only pony I'm a little pony for is Princess Luna!’

Pike tried to make her face neutral. “It’s nothing Princess. It’s just been a rough day.”

“Ah, been taking some rough jabs from our visitors?”

‘Arg, of course she’d guess it on her first try.’ Knowing the nosy sun princess, she’d probably been spying on Pike all day or something.

“N-no.”

Sepulcher spoke up from their right. “Although she’s too proud to admit it, Sergeant Pike was savagely mocked during most of our time with the ambassadors. The fact she managed to keep her composure was legitimately impressive.”

Like always, Pike had been left relatively unsure if that was a compliment or not.

“Well your service is appreciated Sergeant Pike, and I shall have to keep that in mind.”

‘Sure you will.’

If Princess Celestia really wanted to do something for Pike, she’d give her some time off. But what were the odds of that?

‘Alright, I can work with this.’

Anonymous finally had enough ‘legitimate’ information to write his article. He’d need to do some heavy statement editing, but it should be enough to get the truth out in a way that wouldn’t start a massive race—or would that be tribe?—riot. Rain Shine had even given him some beer for the road!

Standing up and starting to pack his saddlebags, Anon prepared for the journey back whence he’d come. “Well gentlemares, thank you for your time. But I think it's about time I-”

A hoof rapped on the door. His mane stood on end at the sound.

“Hello? I’m sorry to intrude, Rain Shine, but I did hope to get negotiations underway.”

‘No way, that voice...! Oh fuck!’ Sparing only a moment to whisper to the Kirin “Please don’t tell her I’m here,” he bounded across the room towards the nearest hiding place.

He managed to slip into a closet just as Rain Shine called out to their visitor. “Oh, Princess, of course! Come in!”

With that the door opened, and in walked the Alicorn of the day herself: Princess Celestia, followed immediately by some of the day guard, her student, and...

‘Pike!’

Spying through the gap in the closet doors, he saw Princess Celestia smile. “Once again do I apologize, but I do want to get things started.” Celestia said, bowing to her fellow leader.

“It’s no trouble,” Rain replied. “I understand your time is valuable. I, too, don’t wish to be away from Kirin Grove for too long.”

Giving another one of her motherly smiles, Celestia gestured towards the door. “Then my guards shall escort us to the meeting room post-haste.”

‘Yes!’

Anon sighed in relief. Soon they’d be gone and he’d be in the clea—

‘...Oh no.’

‘Oh no no no no.’

Anon’s eyes bugged out of his head when he spotted his notebook, lying right there on the table. He'd been so panicked that he’d forgotten to grab it! Now it was just sitting there, out in the open!

‘FuckFuckFuckFuck.’

‘Wait, wait, it’s ok.’

He took a moment to get his bearings. It really wasn’t that bad; the only one who could possibly realize that the notebook didn’t belong to the Kirin was Pike. And there’s no way she would notice it from across the ro—aaaaand Pike walked straight to it.

‘God damn it, why does she have to be so good at her job?’

Nocturnal Pike couldn’t shake the feeling she’d seen that notebook before. While the Kirin busied themselves chatting with Celestia and her student, she took it upon herself to investigate. The closer she got to the notebook, the stronger that feeling became. But she couldn’t figure out where she could’ve have seen—

‘Wait... this is a reporter’s notebook!’

‘And the cover.... ’Property of Anonymous!?’’

‘It can’t be... how did this get here?’

The sergeant started flipping through the pages rapidly, until she found today's date and started reading in earnest.

‘No way... he... he broke into the castle to interview these motherbuckers!?’

As she made her way through his notes, Pike's already bad mood got darker and darker. The things they'd said to him made her blood boil.

“Excuse me... Rain Shine?”

Considering those were the first words Pike had said spoken to her directly, the tall Kirin was taken somewhat by surprise. “Yes, Sergeant ? What is it?”

Taking a deep breath, Pike affixed Rain Shine in a steely gaze. “The only thing getting pounded today, IS YOUR BUCKING FACE!” Kicking off with as much force as she could, she aimed herself right at the dumb halfbreed’s stupid face. “MY COLTFRIEND IS NOT A LUNA DAMNED CONCUBINE!”

‘Oh fuck no!’

Things were going way worse than Anonymous could have possibly imagined! He needed to stop Pike from beating up Rain Shine! She’d go to jail! And then… and then… then what would he do!? He couldn’t let that happen!

Throwing open the closet door, he slammed every ounce of power he had through his horn, praying it was enough. “PIKE WAIT!” Thankfully, his cry distracted her just enough for his telekinesis to grab a hold of her. Letting out a quick sigh of relief, he focused on holding her fuming form suspended in the air.

“Anonymous!? L-let me go! I need to teach these bitches a lesson in respect!”

“No!”

‘Goddamn it Pike quit struggling so hard! I’m trying to save your career, here!’

He clenched his teeth as she pushed through his grasp. She may have been a tiny mare, but her wing strength was incredible. Sweat gathered on his brow as she continued to tussle.

‘She’s gonna break free-! Fuck! NO!’

As Pike slipped out of his grasp, he watched in horror as—

She was immediately caught again in another aura.

A golden aura.

“Sergeant please, control yourself!”

‘Oh no, why'd it have to be Celestia!? Pike hates Celestia!

The irate bat immediately yelled at her. “Listen here Princess Fa-”

“EVERYPONY STOP!” For briefest of moments, Anon could feel Rain Shine’s cry just as well as he could hear it. For the briefest of moments he saw the scorching black flames the Kirin were known for, but just as quickly as it appeared, it was gone. For a little while, nobody moved, everyone just standing (well in Pike’s case, floating) and breathing heavily.

Eventually, Rain Shine spoke up. “Sergeant Pike, our loose tongues have clearly offended you and for that you have my sincerest apologies.”

She then, surprisingly, turned to him. “And Mr. Anonymous, I’m sorry I assumed you were a simple concubine. Our interview was very enjoyable. I could only wish every stallion in Kirin Grove was as understanding as you.”

Confused, but thankful for the break in the tension, he bowed to the regent. “Uhhh, thanks!” Looking nervously around the room, he attempted to wrench Pike from Celestia’s grip. “So haha, if you all don’t mind, I think I’m just gonna take my fillyfriend and dip.”

For a second he almost thought they’d let him do it, too. But then a voice spoke up from the back. “WHAT IN EQUESTRIA IS THIS!?”

At the sound of that, Anon slumped so hard his forehead practically smashes against the ground. Of course just when the situation was looking de-escalated, something else had to go wrong. And wouldn’t you know it, that something was Twilight Sparkle. Apparently while all of the shouting and screaming was going on, she’d decided to spend her time reading the notebook Pike dropped.

‘Great.’

And old purple-nurple was no end of incensed. “Princess, these notes say that the Kirin are here because they want to steal our stallions!!”

“Well, my faithful student—”

“There’s so few already! We can’t let these... these, DOUBLE NIRIKS take them too!”

…

There had been many times in Anon's life that he had felt fear. There had been many times today that Anon had felt fear.

But this, here and now? This was the worst.

Celestia’s face dropped in horror. “Twiggles no! You can’t say that!”

But it was too late.

“WHAT DID YOU SAY NIKKA!?” Rain Shine screamed.

‘Oh my God they just combusted!’

“YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!“ barked the distorted voice of Fern. “THAT’S OUR WORD!”

In a heartbeat, seemingly everything was on fire.

‘I need to get Pike the fuck out of here!’

‘The door! It’s right over-’

Everything was obscured in a flash of light and a roaring flame.

Nocturnal Pike couldn’t see anything but white. The last thing she remembered was fire.

‘Did... did we die?’

Pike’s vision came back to her, revealing they were all… right outside the Kirin's suite. Celestia, Sepulcher, and Anon—they’d all made it! Except for... where was the Princess’ student?

‘Oh buck she must still be inside! I gotta go back and get her!’

Pike jumped to her hooves and made a beeline for the still open door—only for a golden glow to slam it shut in her face. “While I appreciate your initiative, Sergeant,” Celestia spoke out from behind her, “my student has a long history with fire. She’ll be fine. Best leave them to work it out.”

As Pike turned around to face the Princess of the day, she saw that Sepulcher had already gotten to her hooves as well, as Celestia turned to face her. “Sergeant Sepulcher, please go ahead to the meeting chamber and let my sister know that negotiations will not be starting this evening.”

With that, Sepulcher wordlessly departed, leaving Pike alone with her coltfriend and her boss.

Speaking of her coltfriend, this situation in the castle had left Pike in a pretty tough spot. But before she could even attempt to come up with a way out for him, Celestia spoke up, with a wry grin on her muzzle. “Sergeant Pike, I believe I will need some help escorting this... troublemaker, off the castle grounds. Can you assist me?”

Deciding she’d much rather be there for whatever judgment Celestia was going to pass onto him, she nodded enthusiastically. “Of course Princess.”

The three of them promptly departed. Pike to Anon’s left, and Celestia to his right. To Pike’s surprise, Celestia spoke up first. “Now Anonymous, while I do always enjoy your visits, I would appreciate a bit of a warning next time.”

‘What.’

‘Anon knows the Princess?’

As Pike stared in open-mouthed surprise, Anon just replied with a ridiculously casual tone. ”Oh come on, you cannot seriously think I knew any of that was going to happen the way it did.”

“I’m not saying you did, all I’m saying is there’s never a dull moment when you’re around. So a bit of forewarning would be nice.”

“Pffft, please. I saw your schedule... once. For you, 'a bit of forewarning' is at least a three months advance notice.“

Nocturnal Pike was clearly missing some vital information here. She already knew that Anonymous had spent some time in the castle, but she didn’t think he knew Celestia.

“Psssst, Anon!”

“Huh?” His head swiveled around from Celestia to herself. “What is it?”

“How do you know the Princess?”

He didn’t answer immediately, but the face he made told her everything she needed to know. It was identical to the one he’d made when she met Silken Evening at her shop.

He grimaced. “Errr... let’s not talk about that.”

But it seemed that the Princess either hadn't noticed, or just wasn’t interested in holding back; she smiled widely. “Does she want to know how we met? Ooh I love that story! Well, you see...”

Princess Celestia, ruler of the day, and co-ruler of Equestria, was having a day much like any other; she was sitting on her throne, waiting for petitioners to come in—until two guards rushed in, claiming a delirious stallion had appeared in the gardens. Fearing foul play, she rushed to the palace infirmary to comfort and hopefully assist him. Upon arriving at his room however, she’d found that ‘delirious’ was a bit of an understatement.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO ME!?”

And as the stallion continued to struggle against the nurses’ attempts to mollify and diagnose him, the situation was rapidly spiraling out of control.

“Please my little pony, calm down!”

He snarled. “I AM NOT YOUR ‘LITTLE PONY‘!”

“Please I’m trying to-!”

“SHIT LIKE THIS DOESN’T JUST RANDOMLY HAPPEN! YOU BETTER CHANGE ME BACK RIGHT NOW AND I SWEAR TO GOD IT BETTER BE JUST AS INSTANTANEOUS AS LAST TIME!”

At that point, the Princess was prepping a sedation spell of her own.

“IF YOU MAKE ME SIT THROUGH SOME BODY HORROR FETISH SHIT I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!”

Nocturnal Pike glanced at her coltfriend as he visibly winced at the memory. “Yeesh. Yeah, that was a rough day.”

Celestia just got done telling about the day she and Anon had met, and there were some open questions at the end of the story. Pike decided to ask about the biggest one. “Well, you fixed whatever was wrong, right Princess?”

Neither she nor Anon answered though, which put quite the pit in her stomach. Before she could press further about it though, she felt one of Anon’s telekinetic ‘hands’ on her shoulder. “Don’t worry about it.”

He cast a smile Celestia’s way. “Even after all that, she still let me stay in the castle for a couple months.”

For the first time ever, Pike heard Celestia chuckle. “When you get to be as old as I am, you learn to treasure such interesting days. I even offered to let you stay longer.”

He shrugged. “I needed to get out there. Couldn’t live the rest of my life on someone else’s dime.”

Celestia smiled. “An admirable way to live.”

From there the three of them lapsed into silence, which continued all the way to the castle gates. When they got there, both she and Anon knew what that meant: judgement time.

“So,” Anon asked, “what now, Princess?”

She hummed, thoughtfully. “The two of you have had quite an eventful day. Trespassing, destruction of property, attempted assault on a diplomat...” Every new crime listed felt like a burden on both her and Anonymous’ shoulders. “...and harassment. I think that covers it.”

‘Oh no! I'm going to get fired! All of my life’s work, gone!’

“As such, Anonymous, I am banning you from the castle grounds for two weeks!”

“Wait what?”

“Indeed! You shall not be allowed in these halls for any reason!”

She turned her stern gaze upon Pike. “And you, Sergeant , for your actions, most unbecoming of a mare in your station, I am giving you the most laborious of tasks!”

As Celestia spoke, she raised a hoof above her head. For a brief moment Pike was sure she was going to smash it against the ground, but instead she just pointed at Anonymous. “I task you to enforce this ban upon this stallion! You must watch him day and night, never leaving his side!”

‘Wha- I can’t believe this! I’m getting off scot-free!?’

“This all comes on one condition, however.”

Anon, clearly relieved, was the one to ask. “Name it.”

Celestia turned her attention to Pike, and suddenly leaned down to be eye level with her. “Say I’m best Princess.”

Pike’s eyes widened.

Anon immediately answered, “You’re best Prin—”

“Not you, Anonymous.” Celestia’s smile turned downright evil. “I want her to say it.”

‘Oh come on Pike, you can do this. Just lie, and you won’t have to go to the dungeons. Just say ‘You are best Princess’.’

‘Come on!’

‘Say it!’

Before she could even push out the first syllable, she felt something bubble up from her very blood. Something she couldn’t resist, even if she’d wanted to.

“Never!"

Much to her surprise, Celestia’s smile turned far more pleasant, and she nodded to her. “I’d expect nothing less from my sister’s finest.” Standing back to her full height, she pulled something from behind her. “Ah! I almost forgot.”

Bringing it around to Anonymous, they both recognized it immediately. “My notebook! I thought that thing had burned to a crisp!”

Celestia just gave him one of her insufferable, motherly smiles. “Make sure it's a good article. And I’m sorry I didn’t speak to you more when you were here Anonymous, you seem like an interesting stallion.”

With that, she turned around and started walking back into the castle’s halls. “Take good care of him, Sergeant!”

Huh. Pike never expected to hear that from the Princess of the day.

‘She better not think this entitles her to officiate our bucking wedding.’

Anon stared after her. “Huh. Well, I guess that wraps that up. All's well that ends well, am I right?”

She supposed so, but it wasn’t over yet. She still had one burning question in her mind. A question she was going to make sure he answered as he turned to face her.

“Let’s get out of—” Anon booped himself right on Pike’s waiting hoof. “Bwah, h-hey!”

Pike turned her eyes to him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He just looked confused. “Huh, tell you what?”

‘Luna dang it, stallions are supposed to be the ones who are sensitive to these things!’

“That you’d be doing... this! That you’re breaking into the castle! Do you know how this could have turned out?”

He scoffed. “Of course I did.”

“Then why didn’t you-” This time, Pike was the one cut off, as one of Anon’s spectral fingers covered her lips.

“I knew the risk, and I took it. This was not your problem, it was mine.”

“But-but, I could have helped you...”

Much to Pike's surprise, Anon looked genuinely offended at the offer. “What do you take me for? You seriously think I’d put you in that position? That I’d ever force you to choose between your career and me? Absolutely not.” To punctuate his statement, he grabbed Pike and pulled her into a hug. “I love you way too much to do something like that to you.”

‘Awwwwww.’ Wrapping her hooves around him as best she could, she hugged him right back. “I love you too Anon.”

Eventually pulling herself out of his grip, and wiping something out of her eye (it was DEFINITELY not a tear), she turned towards home. “Well Anonymous, shall we get out of here?”

He sighed, sliding his notebook back into his saddlebags. “Yeah, let’s. I’ve had my fill of this place for at least two weeks.”

Not even bothering to hold back her laugh, she and he set off for home. Honestly, Pike had been looking forward to having some time off with him. Ooh! Maybe the two of them could plan a vacation! They do say Prance is nice this time of year...

“Oh by the way, I feel like I should warn you now. While I was in there, I ran into Astral.”

Pike’s train of thought ground to a halt. “YOU WHAT!?”