The Long And Short Of It

Nocturnal Pike cringed. ‘This... is Tartarus.’

As if on cue, one of the arbiters of her torment spoke up. “Wow, if all bats are this short, snagging some bat stallions should be easy!”

She didn’t think she could handle this. ‘Take a deep breath in, let a deep breath out. Don’t even turn to look at which one said it, just keep walking.’

“Fern, control yourself!” she heard their leader cry.

The Kirin apparently named Fern didn’t do a very good job of that. “But isn’t why we’re-”

“Shhhhh!”

When Pike had read the memo warning that ‘the visiting ambassadors had no filter,’ she’d just assumed that they were overly critical, not that they literally said the first thing that came to mind. Every. Time.

The other one seemed just as unwilling to heed her leader's words as Fern was. “Ooh, I didn’t know they had stallion guards! You’d look good pressed into my floof!”

The grimace on Pike’s face threatened to tear it in half. Just the thought of all the official complaints she and Sepulcher were going to have to deal with was threatening to give her an aneurysm.

"That armor is very becoming on you. But if I were on you, I'd be coming, too." Pike could feel her sanity slipping at every word Fern spoke.

‘Please make it stop.’

Thankfully, a bit of relief came Pike's way when Fern's next statement was directed towards the Kirin's leader instead of another potential plaintiff in a sexual harassment complaint. “You think Princess Celestia got us complimentary concubines?”

“Don't be ridiculous, they haven’t done that in centuries."

‘For the love of—wait, what was that about concubines?’

“Seriously, why is she so short?”

‘AHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRGGGGGG’

Astral Blade had just returned to her post—right in the nick of time too; Cloak and her patrolmate rounded the corner only a few moments later. On one hoof, that was good. A rumormonger like Cloak was the perfect pony to start spreading her cover story for what happened to the Kirin’s former room. On the other hoof, that also meant she had to listen to her conspiracy theories.

“I’m telling you Astral, ponies don’t want it getting out, but there've been an awful lot of mysterious accidents happening today...”

‘Let’s see, what’s she going to pin it on this time? Gryphons or ghosts?’

“I think the Kirin are haunted!”

‘Ahhhhh, ghosts it is then.’

“Come on Cloak, I’m sure it was just some feather he-”

‘Oh manure Pike just rounded the corner!’

“Quick, get in position!”

Thankfully, years of getting away with slacking off had finely turned the reflexes of every mare present, and they all snapped to attention as soon as Pike looked their way. And what a look she gave! She was about to go berserk!

And it didn’t take long to figure out why.

“Awwww, bat mares are normal sized!” chimed one of Rain Shine’s entourage.

‘Pfffft hahahahaaa!’ Oh mare; if only she was allowed to laugh outside her head! Astral could swear to Luna she saw steam coming out of Pike’s ears!

‘Huh, maybe she does have some pegasus in her after all?’

However, that steam was quickly replaced by a look of bliss as Pike seemed to realize she’d reached the end of whatever ordeal the Kirin had put her through. “And here is where you’ll be staying,” she said with a flourish.

...Toward the wrong door.

“Uh, Sarge?”

Astral tapped the door behind her with a hind hoof, hoping she got the message. Pivoting to face the correct door, Pike quickly amended. “Oh! It appears there’s been a last minute change, this will be your room.”

As Astral opened the door, their leader bowed gracefully. “Thank you Sergeant,” she said. “That will be all”.

From there Astral just stepped to the side and let them file on in. Which she was more than happy to do, until she heard one of them whisper. “Probably had mangoes on the brain.”

But (luckily) before she could get heated too, Rain Shine grabbed that particular Kirin by the floof and dragged her in, slamming the door shut behind her.

Rain Shine rubbed at her temples. Things were not off to a good start.

While Fern and Cinder were indeed some of her most trusted advisors, it appeared the silence had taken its toll on them. Thankfully, at least, she had the level head needed to somewhat keep them in check. Although the only thing allowing her to keep that level head was years of prior political experience. As long as nothing truly shocking happened, she should, hopefully, be able to keep her thoughts in her own head, and this meeting on track.

Showtime!

Anonymous the unicorn was seated in a chair facing away from the door, waiting for the perfect moment to swivel it around to face his interview subjects. Which was originally going to be as soon as they walked into the room.

‘But, on the other ha-er, hoof…’

“You two need to control yourselves!” he heard Rain Shine chide.

“But—”
“But—”

Rain shine cut off their stereo response. “No buts! You think Celestia’s even going to give us the time of day if you keep insulting her guards!? Have a little self control, mares!”

“We’re sorry Rain Shine...” they answered in tandem.

‘Oh wow, by the sounds of it, they really can’t help but speak their minds!’

And that was either going to make this interview incredibly interesting or incredibly awkward. Probably the latter, if he had to guess. But he’d done enough dilly-dallying!

Spinning his swivel chair to face them, Anon called out. “Good evening lad- *ahem* gentlemares! My name is-”

“HOLY COW I WAS RIGHT, SHE DID GET US A CONCUBINE!”

‘...’

‘N-now hold up.’

“He’s got black hair! Is he our complimentary big-balled goth coltfriend!?”

‘W-wait a minute here!’

Anonymous was doing his best to keep his expression neutral, but the strain was beginning to show.

Even Rain Shine couldn’t contain herself. “He’s almost as tall as me! To think Celestia would go through the effort to find a perfect stallion...!”

His self control drew the line there. “EVERYBODY HOLD THE FUCK UP!” Thankfully, his totally-not-panicked cry seemed to have brought the situation back under control, as the Kirin were seemingly awaiting his lead.

“I-I'm not a concubine, I’m a reporter!” Reaching to his side, he pulled out his notepad. “Equestria wants answers and I’m here to get them!”

All three of them visibly sagged at that. The two regular sized ones let out a tandem “awwwwww,” while Rain Shine let out a deep sigh.

“Horse apples, I thought I was finally going to get pounded.” Rain Shine’s statement seemingly surprised herself as much as it did Anonymous. “Oh buck no, I just said that out loud,” she groaned, throwing a hoof in front of her face.

The Kirin on her left made no effort to hold her thoughts in. “Ha! Now you’re doing it too!”

”Quiet, Fern!”

“No way!” joined the Kirin on the right. “You’ve been getting on our cases since we left Kirin Grove, now it’s our turn to get on yours!”

Rain Shine seemed exasperated. “Not in front of the reporter, Cinder!”

Deciding this had gone on long enough, and having recollected all of his wits, Anon interjected. “Look, let’s all just calm down. We clearly got off on the wrong f-hoof.”

Even if Rain Shine didn’t seem like the kind of ruler that would care, he gave a customary bow. “My name is Anonymous, and if it’s not too much trouble I’d enjoy being able to interview you.”

Peeking up from his kowtowed position, he just barely caught Rain Shine’s relieved expression. “Well met Anonymous. As I’m sure you know, I am Rain Shine, regent of the Kirin. And these,” she said, as she gestured to her right and left respectively, “are Fern Flare and Cinder Glow.”

Cinder glow gave a half hearted wave. “Hey.”

“You sure you’re not a concubine?” Fern asked, which earned her a hearty swat on the snoot from Rain Shine. “Ow, hey!”

Rain Shine glared down at the Kirin on her right. “Fern, why don’t you make sure our luggage arrived undamaged. Cinder and I will handle this.”

“But...”

“Now, Fern.”

Seeing that Rain Shine had left no room for arguing, Fern swiftly departed, grumbling all the way. Which allowed Rain Shine and Cinder Glow to take the seats across from the stallion.

“Alright Mr. Anonymous, what do you want to know?”

‘Perfect! I’ve got her right where I want her.’

He wanted to open up with something good; something that really showed he meant business. He started flipping through his notepad, but he’d already found his first question right on the first page. “So your Ladyship, about the rumors relating to the beverage ‘Kirin Beer’..."

Nocturnal Pike’s office had seen better days. There was a reason she kept a training dummy in there, and that dummy was doing its duty.

“Stupid dragon ponies! Let’s see how tall and mighty they are after I PIN THEM IN TEN SECONDS FLAT!” Wrapping her forehooves around its barrel, she suplexed it directly into the wall. She could hear the impact knock several things off of it, but she was far too angry to care. “BUCK YOU AND BUCK YOUR FLOOF!”

“PIKE!”

Whipping her head around, she was surprised to see Astral standing in the entrance. She hadn’t even heard the door open!

“What, Astral!?”

“I’m here to stop you from wrecking your entire office.”

Pike would’ve given Astral a snappy retort, but a quick look around at her thoroughly trashed office was a sure sign she should probably stop. “Bucking scalies...” Pike grumbled as she climbed out from under the suplexed dummy.

Meanwhile, Astral had already started picking up the pictures that fell down. As she held up the one she’d most recently picked up, Pike noticed it was a picture of her and her family, which now sported a massive crack in the glass.

“Gonna need to get this one re-framed.”

Trotting over to her office chair, Pike plopped down with her head in her hooves. “Ugh, I’ll put it on the list of things to do after this whole mess is over.”

Astral just chuckled, and set the items down on Pike’s desk, which at some point had made its way to the other side of the room. “That bad, huh?”

“I counted at least fifteen potential sexual harassment complaints.”

In that instant, Astral’s tone went from mirthful to mortified. “Sweet Luna, I didn’t even know we had that many stallions on our shift.”

The thought just made Pike dip her head even further. “Celestia brought in reinforcements from the other shifts, and wouldn’t you know, most of those reinforcements ended up being stallions.”

Astral shook her head. “Bucking amazing. What next?”

As if to punctuate that statement, a dragon-fire letter appeared right in front of Pike’s face.

‘Oh buck, it's got Sepulcher's stupid little official seal on it.’

Wasting not a moment, she tore open the letter, and felt her heart sink.

“What’s it say?”

Pike had to suppress a whimper. “Celestia wants Sepulcher and I to personally guard the meeting. I’m going to be stuck listening to the Kirin till the night shift starts.”

Anonymous the unicorn was honestly fascinated. He didn’t even know stuff like that could be DONE with barley!

“And so mister Anonymous, I give my personal word to both you, and the population of Equestria as a whole, that Kirin Beer is NOT pee.”

About halfway through Rain’s recently concluded explanation, Fern had returned with their luggage in tow. Luggage that included a twelve pack of that very beer! Anonymous was holding a bottle of it, and admittedly dying to crack it open.

“In that case, may I?”

“Of course,” Rain replied with a smile. “But do be warned, stallions typically aren’t fans.”

‘Well most stallions are typically little bitches, too.’

So without further ado, he popped off the cap and took a swig. ‘Hmmm, what do you know, it's beer!’ Now that he thought about it, he realized it was the first beer he’d had since he’d come to Equestria. ...He’d kind of missed it, honestly.

“This isn’t half bad!”

It was with no small amount of self satisfaction that he took in the sight of the Kirin’s jaws dropping.

“He even likes beer!?” Fern cried.

Rain, as was befitting the running theme of this meeting, was the first to recapture her composure. “I-I’m glad you think so. Equestria should have it on the shelves of their stores soon.”

Continuing to take gulps of the drink, he turned back to his notepad. “Is that why you’re here then? To secure some new trade deal?”

“Well, in a manner of speaking...”

Fern quickly blurted out, “Yeah we’re trading our village!”

”For STALLIONS! WOO WOO!” Cinder joined in.

Anon just stared at them.

‘That’s... probably not going in the article.’

“Uhhh... Would you care to clarify that?”

The other two attempted to speak up, but Rain Shine immediately sealed their mouths shut with telekinesis. “Ahem. Yes. After the recent success of reintegrating Thestrals into Equestria, and after the conclusion of our self imposed exile, Celestia approached us with the offer of annexing Kirin Grove. And due to many... extenuating factors... I’m inclined to consider her offer.”

Considering what her entourage had just said, Anon could probably guess what those ‘extenuating factors’ were. But that was no reason not to ask anyway!

“Oh? Like what?”

“Well for starters, being able to make use of Equestrian infrastructure-”

Unable to hold their tongues any longer, the other Kirin broke out of Rain Shine’s TK grip. “Buck that manure! It’s because ever since the silence ended, all the stallions have become unbearable!"

The other joined in. “Everyday it’s ‘you haven’t been mindful enough’ or ‘I have a headache because you talked too much’, and the mares of Kirin Grove are sick of it!”

“It’s like they've just been saving every complaint they’ve had since the silence started, and they’re all coming out now!”

“Don’t even get us started on what they look like—have you ever seen a Kirin stallion before?”

Shocked by the fact they’d actually given him a moment to speak, it took Anonymous a bit to respond. “Uh... no?”

“Well,” Cinder said as she reached up and...

...covered up her eyelashes?

“There you go!”

Anonymous spent a moment staring blankly at her, trying to figure out what he was looking at. “So... they look exactly like you, but without eyelashes?”

“Exactly!” Fern replied, throwing her hooves up in exasperation.

“Wait, hold on that was a questio-”

Fern ignored him and went on. “Where are the broad shoulders!? The chiseled jaws!? If I wanted to kiss someone who looks like a mare, I’d just go dy-”

“ENOUGH!” Throwing his hooves over his ears did very little to shield them from Rain Shine’s cry. “I would rather the first impression we give to the Equestrian ponies, NOT be that we’re just horny creeps who’ve come out of isolation to steal their stallions!!”

The righteous fury that previously possessed her advisors was seemingly gone in a flash as they hung their heads in shame. “B-but Rain Shine, t-that’s why we’re here.”

She rolled her eyes “Yes, but we don’t want them to KNOW that!”

Honestly, all this nonsense had left Anon hanging his head too. What the fuck was he going to write his article on!? He couldn’t include any of that unless he wanted to start a race war! Which left him with, what, Kirin beer isn’t pee!? He needed to think of something, and he needed to think of it fast.

“So, uhhhh, ahaha, about making use of that infrastructure...”