The Long And Short Of It

Nocturnal Pike was faced with a tough choice. Tonight was poker night.

She hadn’t missed poker night in three years! Tonight, though, was different. While she may have been Pike’s least favorite princess, Princess Celestia had given her an assignment. An assignment that the thestral was going to take seriously, no matter how many times Anon insisted it was just a joke. This was her career on the line, after all! The assignment meant Anon couldn't leave Pike’s side, which left her with two options: either skip out on poker night, or bring Anon.

And Pike was not missing poker night.

So there she was, seated across from Astral at the usual table. Anon was off getting the two of them drinks, and Astral was giving Pike the lashing of a lifetime.

“I cannot believe you brought him to gals night.”

Checking over the mostly empty bar to make sure Anon didn’t hear that, Pike fired right back. “Oh buck off. He said the two of you hit it off!”

“That doesn’t mean you should bring him to gals night! That’s like, the first rule of gals night! No. Stallions!”

Rolling her eyes, Pike pulled a deck of cards and began the preparatory shuffle. “He’s not even going to be at the table.”

Astral, looking like Pike had just said she’d raped a colt, leaned over the table to get right in her face. “He’s WHAT!? Pike are you insane!? I get that he’s a janefilly, but you seriously told him he had to come to the bar with you, but he couldn’t sit with you!?”

Pike just groaned and shoved Astral back into her seat. “No. HE said that HE didn’t want to ‘buck up the table’s vibe’ so he’d invite some friends to go drinking with. See? It’s perfect!”

Despite how air tight the plan was, Astral still looked at Pike like she should be sectioned. “If you end up sleeping on the couch tonight, I don’t want to hear you complain about it once.”

“As if I’d ever be that much of a bitch-er, bastard,” chimed in a voice from over Pike’s shoulder.

Turning her head, she saw the stallion himself, Anon, returning with three... somethings, in his telekinetic grip. As Pike took one from him, she took a peek at the label.

’Kirin Beer?’

Pike glanced back up at her coltfriend. “What the heck is this?”

Anon likewise turned to look at one of the floating bottles. “That stuff Kirins make. Apparently it's all the bar has, and is going to have, for the next several weeks at least.”

Which reminded her... “Say Astral, what happened with all of that? I’ve been pretty out of the loop.”

Astral, taking a beer herself, cracked a smile at Pike’s question. “You’ll have to ask Night Sky; she can tell you all about it.”

Pike frowned. “Did you pass all the work onto her, you bitch?” She certainly hoped not; Night probably had enough on her plate as is.

Astral gasped in mock indignation. “Of course not! Just most of it. I’m a slacker, not a sadist.” Suddenly, something directed her attention to something behind PIke’s head. “Oh! Speaking of...”

Turning around in her chair, Pike saw what caught Astral’s attention: the arrival of Night Sky.

Anon, seeing Night’s arrival as well, decided to take his leave. “And that’s my cue.” Giving his fillyfriend a quick peck on the cheek, Anon whispered in her ear. “Clean these bas- bitches out."

Returning his peck, Pike replied in kind. “You bet your sweet flank I will.”

It had taken Anonymous the unicorn a while but he’d found himself the perfect table. It was a semi-circular booth situated in a corner of the bar that should be relatively conducive to conversation, while also being within eyesight of Pike’s table. So, settling in, he prepared for the wait until Silken and Cut showed up. Which thankfully, was not very long.

He’d only been there a few minutes before the first of his two friends, Cut N. Paste, walked in the front door—tailed by someone who looked suspiciously a lot like her—except she was a bat! A bat that was busy making her way over to Pike’s table, while Cut made her way over to his. She did mention at one point she had a sister in the guard; it’s a small world, he supposed.

Waving her down, it didn’t take long for Anon’s coworker to make her way over to him. “H-hey Anon.”

“Hey Cut! Come on, have a seat. I hope you like beer.”

She chuckled nervously as she slid in across from him. “I’ve uh, never had it.”

He smirked. “Well, that's all they got.” Gesturing over toward Pike’s poker table, Anon pointed out Cut’s batty doppelganger. “Is that your sister over there?”

“Yeah, she’s here to play poker with her squad. Why?”

“My fillyfriend is her boss.”

Cut inhaled sharply, shocked at this revelation. “Your fillyfriend is Nocturnal Pike!? The s-stallionizer!?”

‘A stallionizer!?’

‘Pike’s not a stallionizer!’

Or, he supposed, she wasn’t anymore. But, she had been neck deep in that whole macho-mare lifestyle before she met him.

“The very same.”

Judging by the earth pony’s shocked expression, Cut seemed somewhat distressed at this revelation. It seemed her sister’s description of the mare had left quite an impression.

Cut glanced at their table. “Wait, why aren’t you over there sitting with her then?”

“Well, I’m technically not allowed to leave her sight, on account of the whole ‘I broke into the castle’ thing, and I neither wanted to crash her poker game nor keep her from it. So, here we are!”

At the mention of what probably should have counted as a felony, Cut’s face lit up. “Oh yeah! I uh, edited your article today Anon. I-it was really good!”

Considering all he’d gone through to write it, he would hope so. “Thanks, Cut! Think it’ll make the front page?”

Her smile got brighter. “Considering Celestia still hasn’t released an official statement? Absolutely.”

Nocturnal Pike turned her attention away from Anon and the chubby mare he was sitting with, and focused on what mattered right now: The Table. The other two players for the evening had, at that point, arrived; it was time to begin.

“Tonight’s game is Appleloosan Hold ‘Em.”

With Night and Astral to Pike’s left, followed by Cloak and Rookie on her right, she started dealing the cards.

Passing the first card directly to her left, to Night, Pike saw that she’d fixed her with a scathing glare. “You know, Pike, I’m a little offended.”

Continuing to look at her, Pike passed the next card to Astral. “Why’s that?”

“We’ve been friends for so long, yet you wouldn’t even let me in on the fact you’ve gotten a serious coltfriend?”

The card she was going to pass to Cloak fell limply out of her hoof.

‘Oh buck.’

It seemed her secret was out. Astral was already facehoofing, while Cloak was cheering triumphantly. “HA! I knew it!” she cried.

“Really,” replied Night, “you knew?”

“Well it was either that, or Sarge had been replaced with a filly-fiddling shapeshifter.”

Pike picked up the dropped card and passed it to Cloak, tactically ignoring her statement. “How’d you find out, Night?”

“Sepulcher, of all ponies, told me. Said Celestia gave you some ‘time off with your coltfriend’ after the Kirin disaster.”

At the mention of the Kirin, all the other mares burst out laughing. Night shook her head. “Oh mare, what a mess.”

Astral, having pulled the hoof from her face, turned Pike’s way. “Hey, you got to see Sparkle blow up, right? How was that?”

It was pretty terrifying if Pike was being honest. But she was not going to be honest. “It was hilarious, I thought she was going to catch fire too!”

That got another laugh out of the gathered mares, one that Pike (weakly) participated in that time.

“Aw mare,” piped up Rookie, “you got to see that and skip out on the fallout? You’re one lucky bitch, Sarge.”

Passing the last of the hole cards out, Pike began flipping the community cards. “So how exactly did that all turn out?”

This time, Night Sky was the one to facehoof. “An absolute nightmare. They’re still renegotiating.”

Flipping the third and final community card, the game began.

‘Hmmmm.’ A six, a three, and a jill.

While Pike held a prince and a three.

‘Let’s see how long I can ride this pair of threes.’

Night, being the one sitting to her left, opened boldly by tossing in five bits. “I was starting to suspect the Princesses would give up and send them back, but apparently the Kirin are as desperate as they are angry.”

If Anon’s interview notes were any indication, they had no idea.

Astral, having taken a sip from her ‘Kirin Beer,’ called Night’s bet. “I heard that part of that renegotiation is why all we’ve got to drink are these. Something about, ‘supporting Kirin owned enterprises to show solidarity amongst tribes.’”

Cloak, keeping a close eye on everyponies’ expressions, called as well. “How are those, by the way?”

Astral took another, longer sip of the beer and smacked her lips. “Tastes like bread.”

Suddenly reminded that she too had a beer, Pike took a sip herself while Rookie folded.

‘Huh, it does taste like bread.’

Cloak glanced Rookie’s way. “Come on Rook, already folding?”

Throwing down her ten and two, Rookie shrugged. “Just got a bad hoof.”

Calling Night’s bet, Pike flipped the next card.

A seven.

She doubted she could win on a pair of threes, but maybe she could bluff her way through.

Or maybe not; Night definitely had something. She just bet a whopping ten bits! “Did you hear though? Celestia’s making Sparkle do some ‘sensitivity training.’”

A loud sigh from Cloak pulled the table’s attention over to her. “Sparkle’s not the only one.”

Astral had the world’s largest manure eating grin as she called Night’s bet. “Oh, you too, Cloak? Let me guess, was it the manifesto?”

Cloak, in a rare moment of anger, slammed her hooves on the table, unintentionally revealing her prince and ace. “It’s not a manifesto!”

Meanwhile Night, Astral, and Pike all burst out laughing, while Rookie just looked around in confusion. After a fews minutes of laughing so hard it puts tears in Pike’s eyes, Rookie elbowed her.

“Uh, Sarge? What manifesto?”

Calming her laughter just enough, Pike managed to get her query out. “What did you call it Cloak? ‘Industrial Society and Its Future?’”

“No no no,” piped up Night, “that wouldn’t have done it. Must have been one of the times you gave your opinions on Griffonstone.”

Cloak, having noticed she’d revealed her cards, angrily stood up. “Fold. I’m getting a drink.”

Rookie eagerly joined in. “Oh, me too!”

As the two of them marched off, that made it Pike’s bet.

‘Time to bluff.’

“I raise you five more bits.”

The two remaining at the table ‘oooh’ed and ‘ahhhh’ed.

Night smirked. “Playing teatsy tonight are we? I’ll call that.”

“Same,” Astral said, tossing her bits on the table.

‘Buck.’

It was time to flip the final card. Reaching down to the deck, Pike hoped for a good draw.

A prince!

‘Oh, I’ve got this in the bag.’

Looking away from the cards, Pike glanced up at her tablemates. “So, you think anything else will come of that disaster?”

Night replied to the new card by nonchalantly tossing in another five bits. “Probably another week of negotiations at least.”

Astral, after taking another look at her cards, did the same. “I heard the crown’s hoofing the bill for a bunch of Kirin to move straight here, and we’re going to be building a new train line that goes up the mountain to Kirin Grove.”

Considering what Pike had, she felt pretty confident with upping the bet again. Tossing in ten bits, she shook her head. “I hope Celestia takes it out of Sparkle’s allowance.”

Night, taking a look at Pike’s bet and the mare herself, smiled. “You’re bluffing. I raise to fifteen.”

Astral, taking another look at her cards, turned her head up and sighed. “I fold.”

‘And then there were two.’

If it wasn’t for that prince sitting on the table, Pike would be feeling a lot less cocky. As things stood though? Pike met Night’s gaze with a smile of her own. “I call.”

Adding another five bits to the pile, she waited to see what Night Sky would do.

“Hmm, it’s only the first hoof; I’ll stay.”

Glancing at her personal bit pile, Pike tapped the table to stay as well, signaling the end of betting.

Night looked her way. “Alright, Pike. Let’s see those cards.”

Dropping them on the table, she savored the sight of Night’s smile falling off her face. “Two pairs, prince and threes.”

A declaration that caused the mare to throw her hooves up in exasperation. “Buck me! Pair of jills.”

Reaching across the table to (barely) get her hooves around the pot, Pike laughed.

‘Oh yeah, I’ve got a good feeling about tonight.’

Silken Evening had been at the booth for quite some time now. Things were going much better than they could have gone. Upon her arrival, it had become extremely obvious that Anon didn’t actually bother to find out if she and his other friend, Cut, N. Paste, had anything in common before inviting them both out. But luckily for the three of them, Silken and Cut had one very big thing in common: they were both Blue-trixies.

“Yeah, my one blue deck lets me summon infinite 1/1 tokens that, after one turn, can do infinite damage.”

Cut took on a vicious grin. “Oh that is disgusting! I love it!”

Anon, struggling to keep up with the conversation, spoke up. “Wait wait, you said this game is called ‘Cyber: The Assembly’ right?”

Silken nodded. “Yeah.”

The big colt smiled. “Ha! If that's what I think it is, back home we called it ‘Magic: The Gathering’!”

Cut did an honest to Celestia spit take at that, with a look of utter disgust on her face. “Ugh, I’m sorry Anon, but what is it with your home country and having stupid localizations for everything? Power RANGERS, STAR TREK, and now this?”

‘Star Trek?’

Silken had to ask. “What the heck is a Star Trek?”

Cut, who’d become a lot more animated after her fifth beer, swung around to look at her. “Don’t even get me started. For some reason, his home decided to make ‘Sea Trot’ take place in space! The E.U.S. Enterprise is a SPACE ship!”

‘What.’

“No way. That’s not real.”

“Yep,” Anon cut in. “Minus some name and gender changes, it's the exact same show but in space.”

Cut threw up her hooves. “Unbelievable.”

Anon, after taking a generous swig from his bottle, spoke up again. “Ok, but what I want to know is, why’s it still called the Enterprise? We called it that after one of our warships.”

That had Silken shaking her head. She thought incoming citizens had to be tested on Equestrian history! “It was named after the explorer Captain Chase ‘Em’s ship, the Enterprise.”

Despite what she’d said being a historical fact, he looked confused and unconvinced. “What? Jason’s ship was called the Argo!”

“Sweet Celestia!” interjected Cut, “Not even historical events are safe!”

To be honest, Silken found herself feeling similarly. What a bizarre, and thoroughly massive waste of time; what whimsy could have even prompted the need for such extensive ‘localizations?’ Did a stallion run his country or something?

Wait... did a stallion run his country?

For somepony who’d said a lot about home, Anon sure hadn’t actually told her anything about his home.

“Say Anon, where are you actually from again?”

Interestingly, a look of panic crossed his face. “Uh, the United States?”

Silken and Cut shared a look at that one—a look of confusion.

Cut, eventually, spoke up. “...I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that.”

Anon, looking increasingly sweaty, stammered out an answer. “Y-you wouldn’t. It's out west. Way way way out west.”

Silken eyed him quizzically. “Past Labyrinthia?”

Anon’s eyes have started rapidly shifting between the two of them. “Oh absolutely.”

“Really? Because I thought past Labyrinthia wa-”

“Oop,” he said, suddenly standing up. “IGottaPeeRealQuickHoldThatThought.”

By the time Silken had even figured out what he was saying, he was gone.

It seemed that early win had lulled Nocturnal Pike into a false sense of security.

Because she was down.

A lot.

“Aw, what’s the matter, Pike? Down on your luck?” Astral mocked.

“Quit jinxing it, Astral!” cried Night. “I don’t need to tell you how many times we’ve lost to her!”

This was getting her nowhere; Pike needed to recollect herself and rethink her strategy. “I’m taking a piss, feel free to play a hoof without me.”

Hopping off her chair and heading the restroom’s way, she began thinking up a strategy.

‘Hmmm, Rookie’s inexperienced, and seemingly only bets if she’s actually got cards.’ Maybe she could work with that.

As Pike lifted a hoof to push open the door, a sudden voice to her side distracted her. “Well hey there, stranger.”

Looking over, she saw a sight for sore eyes. “Hey there, Anon.”

Like the dutiful stallion he was, he picked up on her mood almost immediately. “Aw, now don’t tell me you lost our kid’s college fund.”

Chuckling, Pike gave him a playful little shove. “That's our foal's college fund. And, no. I’m just on a losing streak.”

He looked her up and down. “A losing streak that’ll almost certainly continue if you go back out there feeling as down as you look.”

‘Darn, he’s right.’

Poker was a mental game, after all; she just had to focus on improving her mental state. She should be thinking about something happy like...

‘...Like the feeling of Anon’s balls slapping against my flank.’

It appeared while she was deep in thought, he’d taken a rather raunchy position directly over her. When he spoke, she could feel the vibrations of his baritone voice throughout her body. “You know, I think I’ve got just the thing to cheer you up...”