The Long And Short Of It

Cloud Garrison found herself taking a quick piss in this seedy restroom stall. The reedy young pegasus mare and her friends had come out here to celebrate her graduation from flight school, and she was really looking forward to—

Her thoughts came to a crashing halt as the restroom door slammed open.

‘Celestia above!’

She knew the mare who’d barged in couldn’t see her scalding gaze through the stall door, but she deserved to feel it! What could have gotten her so excited that she needed to slam open the restroom door like that?

That’s when she realized she could hear two sets of hooves on the tile.

‘Wait a second... oh no!’

The door being thrown open, the two sets of hooves awkwardly shuffling around outside? Were these two ponies fighting!?

‘Oh jeez, what are the chances!’

Thankfully they didn’t loiter in the common area and entered the stall next to her instead.

‘Maybe I can make a break for it—’

Something hit the wall of the stall the two of them went into. It sounded kind of hard, too...

‘What if something bad happened? I can’t just leave!’

Cloud spoke up. “H-hello? Are you okay in there?”

Straining her ear, her only answer was a shuddering breath. Then a series of thuds began. They sounded almost... rhythmic?

Then finally, much to her shock,—and shamefully, arousal—a stallion's voices echoed from the other side of the wall. “You hear that, hon? They can hear you.”

“Mmmmmf.”

‘Those thuds…’

‘Th-they’re not fighting at all! They’re...!’

“You love that she can hear us, don’t you? I bet you wish she’d open the door and see you like this. All small and submissive, like the little mare you are.”

Cloud felt she shouldn’t be here for this. The sensation of her wings involuntarily extending only hastened her decision to leave.

Astral Blade tapped a hoof impatiently. What was taking Pike so long?! She’d already missed three hooves, and Night was about to deal the next! She only went for a piss, what could possibly be the hold up—

‘Hold on…’

Astral sniffed the air, as a very peculiar smell hit her nose. A smell that was gradually growing stronger. The others noticed it too, slowing both their chatter and the game. Curious, she turned her head to follow the scent, only to find the trail led to an approaching Pike.

It was then Astral realized just what that scent was.

‘No way, she didn’t!’

But Astral’s nose didn’t lie; she did.

“Pike, you animal! Did you fuck your coltfriend in the restroom stall!?”

While the smell—that she was now certain was sex—had previously slowed the game down, that outburst brought it to a screeching halt.

Every eye at the table turned to Pike, who surprisingly cringed under the attention. “Um... no?”

Astral pointed an accusing hoof at the sergeant. “You totally did!”

At that, the table burst into laughter, and various other reactions.

“WHAT!? How did I not know he was here!?” cried Cloak.

“You’re incorrigible,” lamented Night.

“Aw he didn’t make you be the one to lay on the bathroom floor, did he Sarge? I hate when my stallion does that...” chimed in Rookie (Astral couldn’t lie; that one left her a little concerned).

Pike meanwhile, just sheepishly retook her spot at the table. “Yeah okay, turns out we were both headed to the bathroom at the same time and... well...”

Before she could say another word, Astral reached over and gave her a slap on the back. “Pike, you lucky bitch.”

Anonymous had, after a deliciously dirty tryst, just returned to his table. Hopping on to his seat, he gave a smile that only a man who’d just plowed his girlfriend could give. “So, what were we talking about again?”

Only to be met with Cut and Silken’s best owl impressions. At first, that didn’t really bother him, but it got old after what felt like five minutes of wide eyed staring. Seeing as they seemed unwilling to break the awkward silence themselves, he decided to take matters into his own hooves.

“Uhhhh, what’s up?”

The act of speaking seemingly startled them out of whatever trance they were in, and Silken’s look turned into one of disappointment. “Anon, you didn’t.”

‘What does she mean? Didn’t what?’

‘Wait... oh fuck they can smell it can’t they.’

He laughed nervously, with a sheepish grin. “Hahaaaaaa, whatcha talking about, Silken?”

Sighing, she just shook her head like a disapproving parent. “I can’t believe you let your fillyfriend buck you in a bathroom stall.”

‘Wha- HEY! I resent that!’

“I’ll have you know I didn’t let her do anything! I was the one doing the fucking!”

Silken seemed surprised by his word choice, but before she could ask him to elaborate, Cut threw her face into her hooves and cried out, “Why can’t I find a coltfriend who let’s me do that? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG!?”

‘Aw, poor Cut.’

His heart went out to her. It seemed that nerds having love trouble was a universal constant after all. Deciding to give her some support, he started heading towards her side to commiserate over the—’JESUS CHRIST!’

As he’d approached Cut to give her a supportive hoof, he noticed just how many empty beers surrounded her. It had to be at least twenty five! Those things weren’t pisswater either! ...Probably!

‘How is this mare still conscious!?’

She’d definitely need a comforting hoof after drinking this much... and maybe a horse ambulance.

“Come on Cut,” he said as he patted her on the back, “you're a great mare! I’m sure you’ll find someon—somepony. All you’ve got to do is go out and actually ask. Which granted is pretty hard, but that’s just your best option.”

His words were at least enough to get her to pull head out of her hooves and look at him.

‘Aw man.’ It really must have been eating at her; he could see tears in her eyes. “Y-you really... think so?”

“Of course! That’s how I met Pike after all, she just randomly approached me and introduced herself! At this very bar, no less.”

Strangely, she turned her head to look at Pike and got a look that seemed a little less than friendly. “Is that so?”

It’d been a few hooves, and it turned out that Nocturnal Pike’s and Anon’s ‘stress relief’ session was just what she’d needed to turn the game around—but not for the reasons she’d expected.

“Night,” said Cloak, “I think I’ve got it figured out. There’s a stallion sitting at the left end of the bar...”

Night, only barely paying attention to the game at that point, turned to where Cloak was pointing. “Nah, can’t be him. Pike likes tall guys, remember?.”

The mares had been so distracted trying to figure out who Pike’s coltfriend was (except for Astral—she was distracted because she was laughing so hard) that their playing had tanked.

“Hey, Night?” Pike said, hoping to just keep the game moving.

Which apparently worked, as her attention snapped back to her for just long enough to shoot out a “huh? Oh, I fold,” before she went back to gawking. Ha! She hadn’t even looked at what the last flipped card was!

‘I’m cleaning these poor bitches out!’

“Come on Sarge,” whined Rookie, “can’t you just tell us who he is?”

Taking one look at how her pile of bits has grown, Pike let herself laugh out loud. “Hahaha! Nope!”

Although, the fact that Rookie was the only one still in did give her an idea… Was she willing to risk her advantage on mere curiosity, though? Taking a quick glance at her hoof (‘oooh, it's good’) Pike figured the risk was worth it.

“Actually, I’ll make you a bet, Rookie. If you win this hoof, I’ll tell everypony who my coltfriend is.”

Her eyes lit up at that; clearly she had some decent cards. “Alright Sarge, I-”

“Up, up, up, let me finish. If I win, you have to tell everypony what you did that made Blueblood hate you so much.”

Rookie’s face turned a deep red at that. For a moment Pike was pretty sure she was actually about to turn it down, but unfortunately for her...

“Take the bet, Rookie!” Shouted Night.

“I NEED to know!” Cloak affirmed.

...the other two mares at the table had overheard.

Rookie, mustering all the bravado she could, shot Pike a shaky smile. “Okay, okay! Y-you’re on Sarge!”

‘Aha! Big mistake!’

“Then show me your cards.”

Suddenly gaining a burst of misplaced confidence, she threw down her cards. “I’ve got three princes! Ha! Beat that, Sergeant!”

‘Ahhhh, I’m about to ruin this rookie’s night.’

Gently placing her cards down, Pike put the world’s largest manure eating grin on her face. “Flush of spades; read ‘em and weep, rookie.”

Rookie’s mouth hung open. “WHAT!? AGAIN?”

The other two cried out in wordless frustration, having lost their chance at their question being answered, while Astral just continued to laugh. “Pfffft, hahahahaa! Talk about a throwback!”

Leaning forward, Pike put the rapidly paling Rookie on the spot. “Well, Rook? What’s the deal?”

Her eyes darted around the room, as if she was worried somepony was lurking in the corners of her vision. “Uh uh uh.”

At that point the other mares had stopped their lamenting and guffawing, and smelled the blood in the water. Night smirked devilishly. “I am the one making the schedules Rookie, it’s imperative I know.”

Cloak dug her wing-claws in as well. “Has he chosen you as his next blood sacrifice?! I heard the blood of mares is what keeps his coat so shiny!”

“Come on spit it out already!” Astral insisted.

There was visible panic on Rookie’s face as her eyes darted around the table. “Uh uh UH!”

“Come on Rook,” Pike said, glancing back to her winning cards. “A bet’s a bet.”

Rookie was a stuttering mess. “We- we!”

Astral rolled her eyes. “Oh come on! How bad could it possibly b-”

“We’re seeing each other!”

Stunned silence fills the table, and Pike was right there with them.

As soon as what Rookie said clicked, Pike couldn’t help but cry out, “You, a night guard, are bucking Celestia’s nephew?!

Rookie sheepishly looked away. “I-I’m not supposed to tell ponies, but... yeah.”

There was another brief moment of silence as what she said truly set in.

Then everypony at the table erupted into cheers.

Pike immediately closed the distance and gave her a congratulatory wing slap right on the back. “Hot dang! Sounds like you’re moving up in the world, Rookie!”

A similarly jovial Astral called out, “Ey barkeep! Another round of drinks over here, on me!”

Surprisingly, Rookie didn’t share everypony else’s enthusiasm. “I guess...”

Suddenly Cloak shot forward, leaning out of her chair to get what Pike would describe as uncomfortably close to Rookie. “How long is his cock?”

Night facehoofed at that one. “Luna above, Cloak!”

Cloak looked back over her shoulder to shoot the sergeant a scathing glare. “What?! It's the only piece of information missing from my physical profile! What if he gets replaced by a changeling but the changeling didn’t know his penis length!? How will we—”

Pike had heard well enough of that. Standing up in her chair and shoving Cloak back into hers with an “Enough,” she turned her attention back to Rookie. “So Rookie, tell me, how’d you manage to bag the most exclusive stallion in Canterlot?”

She started awkwardly twiddling her hooves, and somehow managed to look even more nervous than before. “W-well on that first day he s-started flirting with me, and well you know, you can’t say no to Blueblood, so I played along. Then one thing led to another, and well, the next thing I knew I was hoofcuffed to the bed and he was calling me his ‘naughty little filly.’”

Much like before, the table fell silent.

Astral was the first to crack, letting out a snort. Eventually, all the mares were laughing hysterically. “No bucking way! Seriously?”

Rookie, finally cracking a smile herself, shook her head. “Nah, we just talked for a while and he cried an awful lot. I guess most noble mares are just in it for his looks.”

Considering her own past encounters with the Prince, Pike was admittedly skeptical that there was more to him than his looks.

Rookie looked around at the mares nervously. “He- he could get in big trouble if his Aunt finds out though, so please don’t tell anypony else. He really is a sweet guy.”

‘A sweet guy? Blueblood!?’

‘No way!’

But before Pike could speak up and contest that, she heard the sound of stomping. Turning her head, she saw a very angry looking earth pony on the approach.

‘Hey... is that Cloak’s sister?’

The closer she got, the surer Pike was that it was her, and the surer the thestral was that the earth pony was headed right for her. Just as she reached her, Pike heard Cloak call from over her shoulder. “Uhhh hey Cut, what’s up?”

And that’s when Cut jammed her hoof into Pike’s chest. “WHAT’S UP!? I-I’ll tell you what’s up! YOU, PIKE! I know the kind of mare you are! I know you just picked Anon up at a bar like one of your conquests! B-but he’s one of the sweetest colts I’ve ever met! So you better treat him RIGHT or y-you’re in f-for a wallop!”

At the end of her diatribe, Pike just kind of sat there, stunned.

‘I mean, what the buck?’

As she sat there though, she noticed something: earth pony or not, it was a miracle that mare was standing up. Her breath reeked of alcohol, and she was obviously swaying unsteadily on her hooves.

‘Dang, she is sloshed! No wonder she’s so willing to make a flank of herself!’

‘Speaking of which…’

”Ok, SIMP!” cried Astral.

And before Pike knew it, the other mares were swept up in laughter once again.

“Luna almighty sis, I can’t take you anywhere!” Cloak said, shaking her head.

Night huffed. “How embarrassing.”

Pike, meanwhile, felt kind of bad. Knowing Cloak, this pony had probably heard the exaggerated versions of many of her previous hookups. If she really was a friend of Anon’s, Pike supposed being concerned for him after hearing all those stories was understandable. She did seem a few steps beyond ‘concerned for her friend,’ though.

There was only one way to find out for sure.

“Why are you so concerned about my relationship with Anon anyway? What, trying to be our beta or something?”

With an almost fighting clarity, all traces of Cut’s drunkenness instantly vanished, and she answered with a look on her face that suggested nothing but absolute seriousness.

“Yes.”

‘Bingo!’

All the other mares let out another laugh, and out of the corner of her eye, Pike caught Cloak facehoofing. “For the love of the moon, sis, PLEASE quit SIMPing!”

‘What a way to accidentally confess your love; she didn’t even do it to the right pony!’

Speaking of, the sound of hurried shuffling drew Pike’s attention over Cut’s shoulder. It appeared Anon was following her from his table, but unfortunately, not fast enough to stop her from getting to theirs. By the time he’d arrived, he’d realized something had already gone down.

“Aw, jeez. I’m really sorry hun, me and Silken definitely should have stopped her like ten beers ago.”

Pike could hear Cloak shout, “The bucking stallion reporter!? WHAT!?” but she figured it was best to save that for later. Cut did, technically, ask to join their herd, so she supposed she ought to get Anon’s opinion.

“Aw, it's no big deal. She just wanted to ask me something is all.”

Pike’s intentionally vague statement did nothing to wipe the concern off Anon’s face. It was those little moments of teasing him that were the sweetest.

“Uhhh, ask you what?”

“If she could be our beta.”

She’d expected Cut to swivel around to hear Anon’s answer, but apparently whatever second wind she’d gathered had long since worn off. She was back to swaying in place while her eyes focused on nothing. A shame; drunk or not, what she did took some teats.

“Well?”

Anon seemed hesitant. “...Well what?”

“Is she our new beta?”

Now, as every filly learns when they’re young, there is a finite set of answers a stallion gives when posed with that question.

Anon’s, however, was not one of them.

“What the hell is a beta?”

All the remaining laughter at the table was instantly silenced.

Pike, stunned, just stared at him. “Anon.... what do you mean, ‘what is a beta’?”

The stallion paled, seemingly realizing he’d just said something terrible. “Aha... well, you see... PIKE LOOK AN APE-ALIEN!”

Despite knowing that it was almost certainly a trick, she felt overwhelmingly compelled to look over her shoulder anyway. “What the heck is an ape-alien?”

But as she turned back towards him, she was met with a very concerning sight. Anon had managed to pick himself up by his own weird magic hand-things and— ‘oh sweet Luna he just THREW HIMSELF OUT AN OPEN WINDOW!’

“YEET! WellitsBeenFunHonButIgottaGoSeeYouAtHome!” he called back as he ran into the night.

“Anon, get back here!” Pike cried as she rapidly gathered up her winnings. Once she was pretty sure she’d scooped most of her bits into her bag, she bid a hasty goodbye to the gals. “See you next week, bye!”

Turning around and running out the door, she just barely caught a glimpse of them waving back, and Cut hurling her oats all over the floor, as an audibly distressed Cloak cried out, “CUT NO!”