The Long And Short Of It

Everything was all hazy.

The last thing Nocturnal Pike remembered was tucking into bed, and now...

‘...now I’m running late!’

Her coltfriend would be home any minute, and she’d only just put the vegetable roast in the oven!

‘Arrg how could I be so stupid!?’

Brushing her hooves off on her baby blue apron, she glared at the roast through the oven door, hoping the sheer power of her gaze would cook it faster.

‘Maybe... maybe I can keep him occupied somehow.’

He did really like seeing her in that apron, after all.

Suddenly, the front door opened, and a male voice called out, “Honey, I’m home!”

Whatever she was gonna do, she needed to do it fast!

Crouching her forehooves down to ‘look at the roast,’ Pike ‘accidentally’ raised her plot into the air. “Sorry hon, dinner’s running a little late! I hope you don’t mind!” Giving her rear a little shake, she expected to hear the sound of his breath growing heavy. Instead she heard... nothing?

“Uhhhhh, Ano—”

As Pike stood up to try and see where he was, she suddenly found her vision full of green. With two distinct weights settled on her snout, it didn’t take long to figure out what she was seeing. “Th-these aren’t my glasses!” Pike could feel him chuckle as much as hear him; somehow he’d managed to get right over top of the mare without her noticing.

She took a deep breath. The smell of his musk was intoxicating.

“Mmmmf”

“Oh?” he called out, “got something you like over there?”

‘Oh Luna I can feel his breath on my slit!’

“...Because I see a snack right here.”

Pike winked in desperate anticipation of Anon’s tongue.

‘Come oooooooon! Put it in put it in—’

“NOCTURNAL! What are you doing!?”

Pike’s blood ran cold. No longer was she in her cozy kitchen standing under her hubby, but instead under a harsh spotlight, with darkness all around her. Well, darkness, her family, and her colleagues. As Pike slowly turned her head toward the first voice, she found exactly who she feared.

Her mother, Star Mapper.

“Luna’s sakes, what’s gotten into you, filly? Doing a colt’s work!? And that ‘apron’? By the moon...”

‘No, no! She can’t see me like this!’

“We always said you were too small to be a mare!” came a cold voice from the left. Whipping her head around, Pike saw her sisters, all laughing at her expense. “Haha! Pint-sized Pike at it again.”

‘S-stop! Please stop!’

“What’s gotten into you, Pike?”

‘No. Nononononono.’

Slowly turning around, she came face to face with a pony she knew all too well.

Astral Blade.

“Here I thought a real mare led our platoon, but turns out you were as weak as you were small all along. I bet you were the little spoon the night you met him!”

Pike wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She could feel the tears at the edges of her eyes.

‘I am a real mare! I am!’

‘I—’

“HEY!” Pike’s breath hitched in her throat. She’d thought he had disappeared, but Anon had been standing over her the whole time. “I don’t fucking remember inviting any of YOU to MY fillyfriend’s sexy dream!”

A voice she recognized as her mother’s called out, “We have every right to check in on Nocturnal!”

“Yeah!? From where I’m standing the only thing you’ve got a ‘right’ to is a kiss from my fist you cock-sucking fa—”

“Hon? Hon! Wake up!”

‘Who’s what's huh?’

Opening her eyes the rest of the way, Nocturnal Pike found herself still in bed, being gently shaken by Anon. “You alright? You went from moaning in your sleep to crying in the span of five minutes.”

‘Oh thank Luna.’

Pike was immeasurably relieved to realize it was only a nightmare.

“I… I’m fine.”

As she wiped the tears out of her eyes, she could tell he didn't buy it.

“You sure? You seemed pretty upset.”

‘Aw, Anon…’

‘...Can’t you be like most stallions and take ‘I'm fine’ at face value? Just this once?’

“I-it was just a bad dream, I’ll be fine.”

He looked her over, clearly not believing a word, but he acquiesced all the same. “Alriiiiight. But remember, I told you I was an alien. Is whatever you don’t want to tell me really worth keeping a secret compared to that?”

‘Oh come on, I’m not keeping a secret!’

‘I just... need to work through some stuff on my own is all.’

“Yes, come on it's fine,” Pike said as she pushed out of his forehooves, “let’s go get ready.”

Anonymous had decided that a quick grocery run was in order before the two of them went off to work, so he and Pike were off to hit the farmer’s market. And boy, did they have something interesting today.

“WHY KEEP COMING TO THE MARKET WHEN YOU CAN GROW YER OWN? TEN BITS A PLANT!” cried a large earth pony mare from inside her cart. “GOT A RESTLESS STALLION WHO NEEDS SOMETHING TO DO? HAVE HIM START A GARDEN!”

‘Ha! As if. Pfffft, starting a garden.’

Pike, however, was seemingly drawn in by the idea, and started heading toward it. Not wanting to be left behind, Anon followed after her. As they got closer to the cart though, Pike noticeably started slowing down. Her pace went from a beeline, to the pace of someone who wasn’t sure if they were going the right way.

Then, when they were almost at the cart, Pike turned to him. “Hey Anon, m-mind if we pick some of these up? I-It would sure save us a lot on ingredients if we just grew our own.”

That made sense to him. But there was something about her tone that made him think she was hiding something...

Well, that and the way she was nervously taking one step forward and one step back.

‘Oh! I bet I can guess what it is.’

Leaning down to eye level, he gave her an evil smile. “You just want to start a garden, don't you Pike?”

The way her face instantly turned red told him everything he needed to know. ”Wha-!? N-no! I’m just thinking about our financial well-being is all!”

‘Sure you are Pike.’

“Oh come on, just admit it! You want to start a garden!”

Somehow, she managed to turn a shade of red darker. “No, I don’t! G-gardens are c-colty!”

Anon wouldn’t let her have it. “Admit it!”

Pike spent the next few seconds sputtering, hoping to come up with a retort. Her words failed her though, and she hung her head in defeat. “It's not a garden... its an independent growth venture...”

‘Awwww, look at how pouty her face is!’

As he looked at his fillyfriend, he was tempted to scoop her up… but he felt that he’d already ribbed her enough.

Walking past her, he headed over toward the cart. “Great!”

He didn’t even need to look back at her; he could hear her whirl around to face him as he passed. “What!? That’s it!?”

“Yep,” but just as she thought he was going to leave it at that, he tossed a glance over his shoulder. “It's still a garden, though.”

“Wha -but - ah,” she sputtered, “Anoooooooooon!”

He paid no heed to her indignation and just smiled. “Now get over here and tell me what you want!”

Later in the day, as Nocturnal Pike sat at her desk, she found herself stuck on a particular train of thought:

‘I really bought a lot more plants than I should have.’

Anon had persistently ribbed her over where she was going to put them all, but she’d been too distracted with trying to come up with something to call it that wasn't ‘a garden’ to retort. That distraction had so thoroughly consumed her thoughts that even as she was trying to work, her mind was still racing. ‘Independent growth venture’ was a good candidate, but she admittedly needed something more concise...

‘Plant patch?’

“So what do you think, Sarge?”

‘LUNA ABOVE!’

Pike was startled out of her thoughts by the voice in front of her desk.

‘Oh right, I'm not currently alone in the office working on paperwork.’

She was in fact sitting across from Cloak N. Dagger, who’d come to discuss which of her guardsmares were eligible to enter the Nightstalker program. Whoops!

“Sorry, Cloak. Could you run that by me again?”

Surprisingly she didn’t, and simply sighed instead. “Sorry, Sarge. I’ve just been distracted today.”

Apparently so distracted that she hadn’t noticed that Pike was distracted—but hey, she wasn’t complaining!

“What’s on your mind?” In the past, Pike would have told her to stuff it and focus on her job. However, not only would that make her a massive hypocrite in this situation, but she’d also been feeling more... open, in recent months. Settling in, she prepared herself for whatever Cloak might say.

“You had kind of a rough foalhood, didn’t you, Sarge?”

She was not prepared for whatever Cloak would say. Pike couldn’t help but stare at her for a moment. “Well, I guess...” Calling it ‘rough’ seemed a bit extreme in her mind.

Cloak eyed her for a moment. “Your Mom and siblings gave you a hard time, right?”

They did, as a matter of fact. Pike’s mother, Star Mapper, was a mildly famous explorer. She traveled the known world, seduced dozens of stallions, and was just generally the ultimate standard of femininity.

A standard she expected her foals to live up to.

An already hard task, made harder by the fact that Pike was the youngest, and (she’d very begrudgingly admit) the smallest.

‘Aw mare, they really put me through the wringer back when I was young…’

It was Nocturnal Pike’s twelfth birthday. The cake had been cut, her sisters had already run outside to play, and dad had already run off to take care of one of the (few) younger foals. That just left Pike and her Mom as she opened her present. Her heart lit up when she first saw it; it was the exact size of what she wanted.

But when she tore the wrapping paper off, she didn’t find an Easy Bake Oven.

“A hoofball?”

Pike’s mother, who towered over her even as an adult, looked down at the filly with scorn. “That’s right! I don’t care what your father told you, no daughter of mine is going to learn to do a colt’s job! Now take that hoofball and go play with your sisters.”

But, she didn’t want to play outside with them; they were always so rough!

“Do I have to? They’re just gonna make fun of me...”

Pike’s Mom just gave her a slap on the back so hard that it nearly knocked her out of her chair. “So? It builds character! Now get out there, Nocturnal.”

Sending her one last pleading look, Pike took the hoofball and glumly stepped outside.

It went exactly as well as she’d expected. Whichever one of her older sisters was closest would immediately see her forlorn face and move in for the kill.

“Aw, what’s the matter runt, didn’t get your colt toy?”

Before Pike could even attempt to defend herself, another one of her sisters spoke up. “You sure Noct’s not just a colt? She sure is small enough, and an easy bake oven? Come on!”

The filly did her best to stamp them down, but she felt the tears at the edges of her eyes nonetheless. “I-I’m not a colt.”

“Look, she’s even crying like one!”

At that point, one of her sister’s started chanting. “Noct’s~a~cooolt! Noct’s~a~cooolt”

“I’m not!” She cried, but they didn’t even hear her, as her protests were buried under the rest of her sisters joining in.

“Noct’s~a~cooolt! Noct’s~a~cooolt”

“SHUT UP!”

‘Hm, actually that was kind of awful.’

In fact, so were all of her birthdays, up until she toughened up that is. So it wasn’t that bad.

‘Yes it was.’

Besides, they were all on good terms now! ...kind of.

‘Wait, why am I thinking about this again?’

“What’s your point, Cloak?”

In a surprising show of emotion for Cloak N. Dagger, she started tapping her hooves nervously. “Well, just, please don’t hold what Cut said last night against her. It’s not her fault.”

‘Oh?’

Once again, it seemed the conversation was veering in an unexpected direction.

Pike motioned for Cloak to continue, and she did. “She just got bullied a lot when we were foals. She’s a good pony but that just messed her up. Heck she’d still be a NEET if it weren’t for aunt Jargon.”

Pike supposed the two of them were similar in that regard. Although, she at least didn't get messed up from it. Indeed, Pike was a one hundred percent well adjusted pony, with no lingering issues whatsoever.

Nope, not a one.

Pike considered her for a moment. “What for, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Cloak looked at her hooves; they were the same tan color as Cut’s. “She inherited our mom’s looks.”

That struck Pike as a rather odd comment. Nothing about her appearance stuck out particularly. So what could ponies have bullied her so horribly for? Furthermore, why did Cloak expect her to know what their mom looks like?

“And your mom is...?”

Cloak didn’t say anything at first, but instead just sat there with a deep look of shame on her face.

‘What, is her mom like a war criminal or something?’

“Her name’s Suck N. Buck.”

‘What? There’s no way I heard that right.’

Popping open a drawer, she pulled out a cotton swab to clean out her ears. Since of course, there was no way Cloak just said what Pike thought she’d said. After giving her ears a very thorough cleaning, she addressed Cloak. “Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Hehe, it sounded like you said—”

“Yes, I said Suck N. Buck.” Cloak sighed heavily. “The porn star.”

‘WHAT!?’

Pike couldn’t even stop herself from laughing if she’d tried. Cloak N. Dagger, professional Night Stalker, is the daughter of Suck N. Buck!? How had she not known this!? Just thinking about that infamous name brought dozens of porn titles to Pike’s mind.

‘Barely Legal Colt Gets Virginity STOLEN By Ugly Bitch!’

‘MASSIVE Teated Ugly Bitch Steals and Corrupts Pure Coltfriend!’

And so on and so forth.

Pike seriously couldn’t believe that Cut and Cloak were related to a porn star, who was famous for being the grimiest bitch alive!

...and Cut inherited her looks…?

‘Oh Luna no.’

It didn’t take long for the joy of finding out her friend was related to a porn star to be replaced with horror at the implications. Cloak seemed to sense this, and leaned forward in her chair.

As Pike truly began to grasp the enormity of Cloak’s statement, her voice was reduced to a whisper. “Cloak, when you say she inherited your mom’s looks, does that include...?”

Cloak nodded her head. “Yes. Except last time I checked, Cut’s were bigger.”

‘BIGGER?’

Pike stared at Cloak in disbelief. “How much bigger?”

“F cup.”

‘Sweet Luna above.’

That revelation almost knocked her out of her chair. A mare's F... this mare's teats hang down to her hocks!? She’d known mares in school who caught crap for having C cup teats, but F CUP!? That would get anypony bullied.

After that revelation, the mare struggled to pull herself together. “Th-they didn’t look that big last night.”

Cloak shrugged. “Cut spends a fortune on enchanted maternity bras to hide them. She’s still pretty self conscious about it.”

‘Holy cow.’

Little wonder she fell so hard for Anon, he’s probably given her the only positive male attention she’d received in years. Poor gal. Pike felt like she needed to send her an ‘I understand’ card or something. She was glad Cloak was telling her all this, she felt like—

‘Wait hold on, why is Cloak telling me all this?’

Nocturnal Pike had known Cloak N. Dagger for years, and she’d NEVER been this forthcoming with information. In fact, usually she takes specific pleasure in withholding it!

The mare eyed her warily. “Why are you telling me all this?”

With her attention focused back on Cloak, Pike noticed that at some point she’d pulled out a small picture. She couldn’t see who’s in it from where she was looking, but she could guess.

“L-last night when I took her home she was pretty upset. I just wanted to try to show you where she's coming from, you know?”

‘Yes, and I’m sure the stuff about me also having a rough foalhood was definitely just brought up as a coincidence, and totally not supposed to foster a connection and empathy between me and Cut.’

Still, unsubtle as it may have been, Pike couldn’t knock Cloak too much for it; it did work, after all. It was kind of sweet that she was trying to play wingmare in her own weird spy way. However, Pike was already on board with letting her in the herd.

The ball was in Anon’s metaphorical court.

All Cut N. Paste had been doing since she’d got into the office four hours ago was sitting in her chair and worrying. Those worries were only growing worse the closer it got to three.

That’s the time Anon usually came in.

‘M-maybe he’s not coming in today?’

‘Or ever again?’

No, no; she wanted him to come in. It's not worth it to hope she never saw him again, just because he might get mad and yell at her.

Okay, almost certainly will get mad and yell at her.

Maybe she could give him a spa day as a ‘please-let-me-still-be-your-friend-present’?

‘No no no, you idiot! Anon doesn’t like colty stuff like that!’

Before Cut knew it, she felt tears stinging at the edges of her eyes.

‘Why aren’t I good at this!? Why do I always mess things up!?’

Before she could spiral deeper into self loathing however, Cut heard something. The sound of the door to the stairs opening, and Anon greeting some of her coworkers as he walked into the office floor.

‘He’s here.’

‘Oh buck no no no please no!’

‘I need more time!’

‘Oh Celestia help! What do I do?’

In a moment of pure panic, she pulled the hairpin out of her mane, letting it fall in front of her face.

‘If he can’t see me, maybe he won’t yell at me, right?’

‘Yeah, let’s go with that!’

Hiding behind her bangs, Cut could hear him approaching. She could feel herself shaking in her chair, and the tears as they started flowing again.

‘Please don’t be too mad, please don’t be too mad!’

“Cut?”

‘Oh no oh no oh no!’

“Come on, Cut. Look at me.”

Pulling her bangs back, she expected the worst. Him to have a snarl on his face, and to start laying into her. For him to tell her to never talk to him again...

But she didn’t see that. Instead she saw... sympathy?

‘Oh, don’t let him know you were trying to hide from him, ponies hate that!’

‘Come on Cut, think!’

“Oh, h-hey there, Anon! I uh, didn’t see you there. I’m t-trying out a new manestyle, you see?”

‘Oh no, he doesn’t believe me!’

“Jesus, Cut. Were you crying?”

‘Gosh dang it, you stupid filly what are you doing?!’

‘Mares! Don’t! Cry!’

“N-no, I-I just had some allergies is all!”

...

‘Oh fiddlesticks, he doesn’t believe that either!’

As Cut’s mind spun about, trying to come up with another excuse, she suddenly found her thoughts grinding to a halt.

Anon just reached over, and wrapped her in a hug. “Cut, it's ok.”

‘I-it is?’

She struggled to hold back a sniffle. “B-but I said those things to your marefriend...”

“So? You were just trying to look out for me. You couldn’t have known Pike gave up that life.”

Cut almost couldn’t believe it. Back in school, whenever she tried to warn a stallion that a mare was just taking advantage of him, they always got so mad. And that was when the stuff she’d said was true! Her sister had already given a lecture about how ‘Sarge hasn’t so much as looked at another stallion since their relationship began, she’s clearly changed her ways!’ Well, either that or Anon used his magic to take control of Pike’s mind; Cloak couldn’t really decide.

Yet despite all that, here Anon was, telling her it was all okay.

Pushing out of his grip, she quickly wiped the new, but very different feeling, tears out of her eyes. “O-oh mare. Still, here I am crying into your shoulder like little c-colt. I’ve really made a flank of myself, haven’t I?”

He just smiled and shrugged. “Eh, you were really stressed out. It happens.”

Suddenly his smile shifted from congenial and friendly, to smug and prescient. “Besides, there was one mare at that table last night who you didn’t embarrass yourself in front of.”

‘What?’ Cut was feeling lost. Who could he be talking about? As far as she knew, there was only one mare at that table he actually talked to, and that would be...

Her heart soared.

“P-Pike?”

“Yep!” he says while nodding, “She thought you had... oh god what was that phrase? Oh right! ‘Big brass ovaries’!”

“R-really?”

“Yeah, she was genuinely impressed.”

‘No way. Did- did my drunken gambit actually work!?’

“D-does this mean I...?” She didn’t even want to say it out loud, lest she jinx it.

But based on how Anon’s face fell, it was jinxed from the start. “No. Not yet.”

‘Oh.’

Cut let her shoulders sag.

‘Of course it was too much to hope th—’

“Hey, let me finish!” Even though she hadn’t verbalized it, he was seemingly able to sense her despair. “Look Cut, the fact is, my culture was monogamous.”

‘NO! Of course you’d fall for a mono stallion, you idiot!’

“BUT, Pike really wants me to give herding a try. So I’m thinking about it. Thing is, I really want to make sure I'm emotionally ready before I dive into something I’d never even considered before, you know?” Reaching out his hoof, he placed it comfortingly on her shoulder. “And when I decide, you’ll be the first to know—and if it turns out that way, the first one I let in.”

Cut’s eyes started to water again. “R-really?”

“Yes.”

Just like that, the joy was back in full force. Talk about a day of emotional highs and lows! Honestly, Cut was completely content with orbiti—

“This comes with a caveat though.”

‘Oh?’

Putting his other hoof on her other shoulder, he looked Cut right in her eyes. “Do not wait up for me. If you meet someo--pony you really like, don’t feel like you’ve got to wait for my answer. I want you to be happy, Cut.”

She couldn’t keep the smile off her face. Even now, he was considering her feelings.

“Promise me, okay?”

She sniffled. “I promise.”

It was a very easy promise to make, since she’d never find somepony like else like that.

She’d never find another stallion like him.