The Long And Short Of It

‘Oh hey, I beat Anon home!’

And Nocturnal Pike could think of no better way to spend her time than with her new, independent growth venture! She did have to rearrange the living room a teeny bit, but she liked how it turned out. All of her plants were right next to the window now!

‘Nice!’

Which, unfortunately, left the mare standing right in front of the window while tending her plants. Good thing it was night time and she’d long since closed the curtains; wouldn’t want anypony to look through the window and see her wearing her apron, after all.

That would be embarrassing.

Just the thought of it made Pike wilt under the judging stares of the imagined pedestrians.

‘What!? I don’t want to get dirt on my coat! Stop judging me!’

After all, it was only practical that she wore it while tending to her ~~gard~~—tending to her venture!

‘B-besides, it’s not like I like wearing it....’

“Honey I’m home!” That call drew Pike’s attention away from the planter just as Anon walked in. “And... oh my gosh! Don’t you look adorable tending to your garden!”

She fought down a growl, pouting mightily at his choice of words. “EEEEEEEE it’s NOT a garden!” she absolutely intentionally squeaked. “Gardens are for colts who want pretty plants! I’m growing these so we’ll have free ingredients!”

She didn’t like the look he gave in return. Its smug aura mocked her.

“Oh? Are we having daisy sandwiches for dinner then?”

Pike looked at him in confusion. “I thought we both agreed daisies taste terrible?”

He just nodded in apparent accord. “We did! So why’d you buy so many?”

‘...Uhhhh...’

Turning back to look at the not-garden, she saw that he was right; she did buy a considerable number of daisies.

‘Why’d I do that? We both hate daisies!’

‘Although, they do look... pretty...’

Pike glanced down at the floor, and sheepishly pawed at it. “Ok, so m-maybe it’s kind of a garden.”

“Aha! I knew it!” he cried, before sitting down next to her. “So what else are you growing?”

Pike blinked. She hadn’t been expecting him to stop. Rather, she’d assumed he was going to keep on teasing. Seemingly sensing her surprise, Anon leaned in and whispered in her ear. “Gotta keep you on your toes—uhhh, I mean, hooftips! Can’t let myself get too predictable.”

She did not like the implications of that.

‘I'll just have to be on my guard!’

While Pike made a mental note to try and think of what she could tease Anon about, she turned her attention to the kind-of garden. “Well, you see, I got some daisies, roses, tomatoes, daffodils, one mild pepper plant, and a few stalks of a special strain of hay. They say it tastes, like...” she trailed off, as she was interrupted by the sound of something dripping. “...Hey Anon, did I leave the faucet on?”

However, turning her head toward the faucet revealed it wasn’t a leaky sink, but a leaky Anon. As in, he was drooling all over the floor. Pike couldn’t keep the manure-eating grin off her face. “Well well well, Mr. ‘I-don’t-eat-hay’ sure looks excited for hay.”

That comment snapped him out of it, but it was far too late; his chest was already covered in drool. After a few moments of frantically telekinetically grabbing every towel in range and trying to wipe himself down, he gave up with a sigh. “Well, balls. We gonna have that hay for dinner though?”

She smirked. “Maaaaybe.” Pike had been thinking about using some of it in a casserole. The guy selling the stuff did say it went well with rose petals. “Say Anon, what about hay makes you like it so much? Like, what does it taste like to you?”

“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell...” That question seemed to stir something in the stallion, as his easy smile turned into something sinister. The longer he drew it out, the more evil his grin became. “You sure you want to know?”

‘Is there something I’m missing here?’

Pike racked her brain trying to think of why the heck she wouldn’t want to know, but she had nothing. “Uuuuuh, I guess?”

His expression practically became the face of Discord.

‘Put up your guard Pike, expect incoming whimsy!’

“It tastes like beef.”

She stared at him blankly for a couple of seconds. “What?”

“Oh, right, you don’t know what that is. It’s cow meat!”

‘...’

“WHAT!?”

Pike suddenly found herself blinded by a bright flash.

“Hehe, gotcha!”

As her vision gradually returned, Pike saw herself face to face with Anon’s camera. “You lying flankhole! You just wanted an embarrassing picture of me!”

His smile dipped a little at her accusation. “Hey, I wasn’t lying, it really does!”

‘Aha! He let himself get distracted!’

While he was focused on what she’d said, Pike snatched the photo right out of his camera. Turnabout is fair play, after all! “Hehe, gotcha!”

‘Now quick, I’ve got to destroy this photo before he can stop me!’

Set on burning the photo, Pike ran toward the fireplace. But, as she did, she spared a passing glance at the picture—and barely kept herself from collapsing in laughter. Anon had somehow managed to snap it right at the apex of her ‘WHAT!?’

‘That’s actually pretty funny!’

Chuckling, she walked back over and hoofed him the photo. “Okay, okay. That actually turned out good.”

Snatching it out of her hoof, he held it to his chest indignantly. “I know, it's almost like I get paid to take pictures!” He valiantly tried to hold on to his incensed expression, but before long, the two of them broke down in laughter.

While the two of them shared that laugh, Pike heard Anon’s camera flash again. Curious, she again snatched the photo away as it developed. It was a heartwarming scene of the two of them laughing together.

‘Awww!’

She had to smile. “Not that I’m complaining, but what’s got you in such a picture taking mood?”

Anon took the photo, smiling as he looked it over, before shrugging. “I don’t know. Just kind of felt like trying to capture some of these moments is all. Especially since I knew you’d flip when I told you about beef.”

The joy of the moment had almost made Pike forget about that. “What’s the deal with that by the way? Are you seriously telling me that if I went to one of those farming towns down the mountain and took a bite of a random cow, it’d taste like hay?”

“Well specifically a hayburger, but you’d have to cook it first. Come on, my people weren’t animals, Pike.”

Considering how he acted in bed, she doubted that, but she didn’t press the matter. “So what are you going to do with the photos?”

He shrugged again. “Haven’t decided yet. Might just put ‘em in a box. But that feels like kind of a waste, you know?”

Nodding her head, Pike started trying to think of what they could do with their pictures.

‘Hmmm, we probably don’t want to just frame all of them…’

‘Say, there was that thing dad used to do!’

‘...Nah, that’s too colty.’

Just as she thought that though, her brain suddenly made her keenly aware of the fact that she’d just finished gardening in colty lingerie.

‘Okay brain, okay I get it.’

Pike glanced at Anon. “W-well it's kind of colty, but do you want to make a scrapbook?”

Thankfully, he didn’t just laugh at her idea. Instead, his eyes lit up. “That actually sounds like fun! Oh! I know what we’re doing after dinner tonight!”

It turned out that Anon's idea was to recreate events from when the two of them started dating. Their first visit to Silken’s shop, Anon eating his first hayburger, Pike almost causing a diplomatic incident… She’d gone down the list and they’d created pictures for all of them, and Anon had been grinning all along the way.

“Let’s put ‘Anon tries his first hayburger’ right next to that picture of us in our aprons,” he said, floating the latest batch of photos over the page.

“Ok, but we’re also putting ‘Anon burns stir fry’ on the same page.”

He chuckled at that. “Fair, fair.”

And that meant it was time for the fun part: arranging them! Like any good scrapbook, Pike had been trying to give each page a consistent theme. This one had been summed up, very succinctly, by Anon as ‘kitchen misadventures.’

“I can’t think of any other ones to go on this page, can you?”

Pike shook her head; she had better places in mind for all the others. Taking a look at the accurate recreation of Anon’s first hayburger, she was reminded of their earlier conversation. “Mare, that's still so weird. Makes me worry about what goes into the average hayburger.”

Anon laughed again as he glued the photo in question in place.

Pike suddenly turned to him. “Say Anon, do you ever miss it?”

He looked over at the mare, slightly confused. “What, like, meat? Yeah, but that was mostly before I started eating hay.” Suddenly gazing off, he got a far off twinkle in his eye. “Do you know what I really miss though?”

Pike thought back to everything he’d told her about his home, and all of its strange and wondrous gadgets. “The internet?”

“FUCK no! I miss titties!”

‘Oh come on Anon, quit saying words I don’t know!’

For some reason it reminded her of the word ‘teats,’ but there was no way that could be it. Not that it was a reason not to rib him over his unfortunate choice of words, though! “Oho, you’re telling me you like big teats, Anon?”

“I WOULD like them if any mare HAD them!”

‘Wait, THAT’S WHAT TITTIES ARE? TEATS!?’

If Pike had had a drink, she would have just spit it everywhere.

‘What are the odds?’

‘And the way he talks about them... he doesn’t know about Cut!’

Pike just had the best idea for the best surprise ever.

Oblivious to Pike’s revelation, Anon continued. “I mean there are so few titties that bras are associated with guys! What’s the deal with that!?”

‘...Huh, bras being used by mares more than stallions? Now that's a weird thought.’

“What, so do most mares... oh wait, what did you call them?”

Anon chuckled. “Women.”

“Right, right, so do most women wear bras?”

He let himself sink into the couch a little, clearly struggling to come up with a way to best explain this backwards, alien cultural practice. “Yeah. Imagine if your... uh.. Teats? Yeah, teats.” He awkwardly started gesturing around his chest. “Imagine they were here.”

‘By Luna, that sounds horribly inconvenient!’

At first all Pike could think of was what an absolute pain it would be to balance with those. Though eventually, a more important question came up. “Alright, but why wear one before having a foal?”

His eyes lit up, making some sort of odd connection she couldn’t fathom. “Oh! Right, yeah these develop at puberty. Not after a foal.”

‘Really?’

Well, she supposed that it made sense how he’d have a taste for them then, if every mare had them, but there was some lingering confusion—and disbelief. “Are you telling me the truth right now, Anon, or are you just trying to hide the fact you like older mares?”

That might've been a bit he’d heard before, considering how he went right into blowing an exasperated raspberry. “Don’t even get me started. Titties being associated with being old and out of shape... stallions out here wouldn’t know a good MILF if she slapped them on the butt!”

Crossing his forehooves, he continued to grumble. “I once overheard two dudes talking about some poor guardsmare, going on and on about how she really ‘let herself go after her foal.’ Her teats were like c-cups at most!”

Pike couldn't help but laugh; what an absolutely bizarre perspective! “Hehe, well, Anon. Fact is, unless the mare is a little overweight, that’s as big as most teats will get.” She leaned back herself, gesturing in a cyclical motion with a hoof. “Combine that with the fact most mares won’t even grow them until she has what you stallion’s so affectionately call a ‘mom bod,’ I’m afraid fat teats will never be in style.” Leaning forward, she bopped him playfully. “Like it or not, young and teatless will always be the favored look among the fairer sex.”

“And to top it off I'm the one expected to wear a bra here? Unbelievable."

'Ha! Guess it is kind of ironic that now Anon's the one who has to—’

‘...Ohoho.’

‘OHOHOHOHO!’

She’d just realized something, something she wouldn’t have thought twice about if Anon hadn’t mentioned bras. He’d just given her something better than the best plan for the best surprise ever:

He’d given her ammunition.

“Say, speaking of bras,” Her smile turned positively evil. “I’ve noticed we’ve had A LOT more laundry than usual. Why is that?”

Oh, he knew what he’d just brought on himself; she could see it in his eyes. “I-I don’t know. That sure is really weird though!”

“Are you sure it’s not because you’ve been wearing your ball bras every day?”

He looked away in embarrassment. “W-well it's not been every day...”

‘Bingo.’

“Who would have thought you’d actually like wearing them?”

He hopped to a standing position, and Pike could feel the genuine indignation radiating from him. ”Hey I don’t like wearing them! It’s just, most of them are insulated and have warming charms! The boys like eighty degrees, not ten!”

Pike gave him a smile as evil as his earlier, Discordian smirk. “You sure that’s it?”

“Yes!” he said as he stamped his hoof. “It's not like they’re comfortable!”

A disbelieving look from the bat was all it took for that excuse to break down. “...Okay, they’re kind of comfortable! But still!”

She was pretty sure he was going to continue, but then the look on his face abruptly changed. If she’d had to call it something, she’d call it realization. “Heeeeey, you’re just doing the same thing to me that I did to you about your garden!”

“It's only a kind-of garden! Just like you only kind-of like wearing ball bras!”

Anon managed to hold onto his angry face just a split second more, before the two of them once again broke down in laughter. “Hahaha! Okay th-that’s, haha, that’s fair.”